The Assent of K2 and the Ghost of Big Bird

In which TAPS reveals the full extent of its esteem for its pathetic fans, by pretending to lower the temperature of a room, and using a blinky EMF detector as an electronic ouija board, and faking a ghost and a debunking of said ghost without even having the courtesy to try to be realistic and generally makes it crystal-ball clear they despise us, their audience gullible enough to watch them. Also, they can’t like themselves much anymore, and their shrink bills must be huge, if they went to shrinks, and I’m sure they don’t, but they should.

Tm: So, we’re having some fun then. A little irked, Mme. B?

MB: Moi?

TM: I assume there’s an ass in assent.

MB: There is.  More than one.

Okay, so this is another Talking Mongoose/Mme. Blahblatsky recarp of the infamous Episode 312 of the fantasy reality show Ghost Hunters, in which TAPS plays a battery-powered version of Twenty Questions in a house that is nearish but not really on the site of the ghastly Manson murders. Also, they invade the home of the Muppets. We would say things can’t get much more ridiculous than this episode, but we have seen the future, and we would be wrong.  This episode has probably been talked about enough, but we wanted to add our two cents.

TM:  Four cents.

MB:  Four cents?

TM: I am no penny-ante. Plus we need more to jam the K2 switch.

Disclosure: As always, I have worked my fingers to a nubbin to retrieve every last bit of tedious dialogue that belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc, who are perfectly aware that said dialogue is so not worth retrieving and have probably had a number of snorts over my idiotic efforts.

TM: There’s a theme here, I’m thinking.

MB: Alas, yes.

Episode 312

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads for the Hollywood hills to investigate the scene of the Manson family massacre. Has the spirit of the murdered actress Sharon Tate returned to the neighborhood? Then, TAPS takes center stage at the old Charlie Chaplin studios. Will the ghost of the former owner make a surprise appearance?”

Credits roll. Dave Tango is still in training, in the world’s longest apprentice program to learn absolutely nothing.

TM: You have to work at learning nothing. Things get by you without constant vigilance.

MB: He’s probably being forced to unlearn things.

TM: Like reason and logic.

MB: And grammar.

Jason and Grant are “plumbing.”

Grant: “All right, so.”

Jason: “She lost her wedding ring?”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So we’re gonna have to pull the trap system. Yeah.”

Grant is groveling under a sink. A phone rings.

TM: We haven’t seen the phone call while plumbing scene in ages. I missed it!

MB: I’d be more convinced if that ring came out with a giant hunk of hair.

Grant: “You got another call?”

Jason: “Yep. Hello?”

Donna, for it is Donna calling: “Hey, it’s Donna.”

Jason: “Hey, Donna. What’s up?”

Donna: “I have two great cases in Hollywood, California.”

Jason: “Hollywood, California.”

Grant squeaks: “What?”

Donna chortles: “Yeah.”

Jason smirks.

MB: He wants a star on Hollywood Boulevard, don’t you think?

TM: Judge Judy has one. He can dream. Heck, for $25,000, it’s his.

Donna: “And I’m just wondering when you guys are getting in.”

Grant: “Whoa whoa whoa!”

Jason: “Hang on.”

Grant: “Oh!” He triumphantly pulls the ring out of the pipe where it was previously placed for him to triumphantly pull out. “Aw! There you go.”

Jason: “Somebody’s gonna be really happy.” He laughs. “Give us about an hour.”

Donna: “See you then. Bye.”

And we are done with the plumbing for a while.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

Jason, Grant and Donna rendezvous at the office conference table for a conference.

Grant: “Hey, Donna.”

Jason: “What’s goin’ on?”

Donna: “Hey, fellas.”

Grant: “All right, hold on. California?”

Donna: “Hollywood, California. It is absolutely worth it. Two great cases that you cannot say not to. First one is the Jim Henson studio, which was the former Charlie Chaplin studio.”

TM: Have you ever noticed that Donna’s hair is always freshly done for these things?

MB: There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have clean hair.

TM: No – curly. Done.

MB: She is the Vanna White of Ghost Hunters.

TM: I prefer to think of her as Della Street.

MB: So Jason and Grant are Perry Mason and Paul Drake? But I loved them.

TM: I didn’t claim it was a perfect analogy.

Grant: “Like as in everything we ever grew up on?”

Donna: “Exactly.”

Jason: “Why do they want us there?”

Donna: “They want us there because there’s a lot of incidents – everybody that works there claims something has happened.”

Jason: “The Jim Henson studio.”

Grant: “That’s just an honor and an opportunity you don’t wanna turn down, you know?”

Donna: “Also I have a case. Do you remember the Manson murders?”

Jason: “Yeah. Sharon Tate and all that.”

MB: The Nutshell Award goes to Jason Hawes.

Donna: “Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring. The original house where the murders took place is no longer there.”

Grant: “Oh ho.”

Donna: “There is a house a few houses down from where they were murdered that the man who owns it claims that it is completely haunted by these murder victims, and he wants us to come out and see what’s going on. I mean, he’s had crazy things happen there. For instance, apparitions being sighted, footsteps coming up from nowhere, and I think it’s worth looking into.”

TM: You know what we’ve missed, Mme? They did a show about Titanic artifacts being haunted. In Georgia.

MB: What, like tea cups?  And were they?

TM: I guess. I don’t know.  I don’t watch such silly stuff.

MB: Like this?

TM: Oh, well…

Jason: “Yeah, it’s awesome. I’m psyched. Let’s set it up.”

Grant: “Thanks, Donna.”

Jason interviews: “Brian’s not going to be able to join us. He’s got some personal family issues that he really need to take care of and – uh – he’ll be missed but you know, we’ll make do without him.”

Brian interviews: “Well, I can’t be out there right now with the team because my fiance’s about ready to give birth, and I gotta make sure I’m home so that I can take care of her and the baby. I’m there with them in spirit so hopefully – uh – they’ll come back with some good evidence.”

MB: Personal family issues? Jason made it sound like someone was going into rehab, or dying.

TM: Perhaps he was just being very very literal.

MB: Puh. He’s not literate enough to be that literal.

TM: No remarks about Brian reproducing himself?

MB: Nope. Now if it were Grant…

The TAPS caravan has barreled across America while Brian was talking, tornadoing through Kansas and landing in the middle of Hollywood by night. We are not going shopping this time, though.

Jason interviews, reading cue cards: “On August 9^th, 1969, four members of the Charles Manson family cult invaded the home of Sharon Tate, a Hollywood starlet, brutally murdering her, her unborn baby, four other people including close friend jay Sebring. The murders were so gruesome that it made worldwide headlines.”

Grant interviews: “We could catch everything from full-body apparitions to sounds. We’ll have to be on our toes to try to figure this one out.”

MB: So are we to take it they are not always on their toes?

TM: No, I think we are to take it that they are not going to figure this one out.

MB: So, business as usual.

TM: Same old, same old.

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Saturday 5:35 PM

The three stooges knock on a door. It opens. “C’mon in,” says the overeager homeowner.

Jason: “Jason from TAPS.”

Grant: “Grant. We’re here to help.”

David Oman, homeowner: “Nice to meet you. C’mon in.”

David Oman, “homeowner” interviews: “The reason why I called TAPS was because after so many experiences in the house I definitely would like to get some type of proof that I’m not the only one that believes that the murder victims from Sharon Tate’s murder are actually visiting my house.”

MB: Because that would improve his life how?

TM: I’m so glad you asked. Look at who David Oman is.

MB: He made a movie? With his dog Sebastian?

TM: It’s Hollywood. I like the sounds of his barbecue video better.

MB: Oh, for crissakes. Well, that explains a lot.

TM: Frank Noir is in it! Although nobody seems to have seen it.

Jason: “Beautiful house.”

David Oman: “Thank you very much. My father and I built this house, finished it four years ago.”

It’s completely hideous, like a short motel built on the side of a steep hill.

TM: It is stunningly awful, isn’t it? But don’t worry. It will fall off that hill soon enough. A few fires and mudslides and it’s going to have frontage on Sunset Boulevard.

Grant: “I can’t imagine building this place – on a hillside? It’s a little rough.”

Oman, because that name suits him: “Well, we are, as a matter of fact – we’re about two hundred feet from where the infamous Sharon Tate murder took place at the hands of Charles Manson and his family.”

Grant: “Yeah, we heard.”

TM: As if TAPS would be here otherwise. Hey, you don’t suppose Oman built this house hoping to have ghosts move in, do you?

MB: That would be…

TM: Diabolical! I vote yes. He probably started the screenplay before the house.

MB: But ghosts don’t just move in. Or at least, you can’t count on it.

TM: You don’t have to, silly.

Oman: “Ever since I started building here we’ve had nothing but strange strange things happen. During construction about six months before we were done, I assembled all of my laborers and I said to them I said ‘Tell me, have you guys had any weird experiences in the house during construction? And one of the guys said ‘Yeah, I’m working on the third level and I heard voices and footsteps coming down the staircase.’ He said they got louder and louder and then they just stopped and then all of a sudden this cold breeze came across his shoulders. He just took off. He took off, man – didn’t come back for six weeks.”

Grant: “Jeez.”

TM: Now wait just a minute. If he took off, how was he there to tell the story? Or is he saying hey – remember when I was gone for six weeks? But now I’m back and it’s cool.

MB: His laborers. I thought you’d pick up on that one.

TM: I’m getting to that. Who calls people “my laborers?”

MB: David Oman!

Oman: “And since then I’ve had people that have been in the house that have told me different experiences that they’ve had before they even knew where they were.”

Jeff Mandel, witness: “I was standing over in the corner by myself, and all of a sudden I heard footsteps. I went out there to see what it was and as I stepped out, I heard these very distinct footsteps – uh – leather-soled shoes on the wood floor cross the room, go up the steps into the dining room and then they disappeared.”

MB: Leather-soled shoes on a new floor – how do they do that?

TM: It’s demons. It was hooves.

Jason: “Okay, where to now then?”

Oman: “Let’s go down to – uh – the second level, and this is the master bedroom where I’ve had a lot of personal experiences with some of the spirit activity in the house. Right here I was lying down, I put my head on the pillow, and I turned. My eyes went right to that spot and I see a guy standing there. He’s got his left hand extended . He’s – from the waist up he’s turning pointing toward the driveway and then poof, disappears.”

Jason: “Did he look the least bit familiar to you?”

Oman: “He didn’t look familiar to me until three months later when I was doing some research at the LAPD trying to find out about the murders and I come across this picture of Jay Sebring. I said oh, my god – that’s him.”

TM: How convenient! Who’d have thought?

MB: Who else could it be?

TM: If you write the screenplay, they will come.

Jason: “All right, so that’s pretty much it?”

Oman: “That’s pretty much it in this room, yeah.”

Jason: “All right, where next?”

Oman: “So now we’re going down to the third level to the most active part of the house. Now this is the infamous guest bedroom where we’ve had – I can’t even tell you how many experiences in this room.”

TM: Okay, I have a theory. Ghosts must collect at the bottom, like cold air, or coffee grounds.

MB: That’s stupid. Only…hmm.  I might have to consider that.

Lisa Rigsbee, witness: “One night I woke up to footsteps in the room. Then I felt someone sit on the bed. So I shot up and looked and the corner of the bed was pushed down. It was definitely weight there. There was no one there.”

Jason: “So is that everything?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

Jason: “Well, what we’re gonna do from here is we’re gonna end up setting up equipment through the whole house and uh – just start investigating, see what we can catch.”

Oman: “Sounds great. Thank you very much.”

Oman interviews: “I don’t know what TAPS is gonna find. I think they’re gonna be quite surprised and impressed with the phenomena that exists here in my home.”

MB: He looks just like Grant.

TM: It’s the twisted grin.

MB: He’s also quite sure of his ghosts.

TM: He’s their agent.

Jason: “He’s got a lot of pretty substantial claims of paranormal activity going on here. Everything from shadows to full-body apparitions, so when it comes down to getting evidence for the homeowner, I can just hope that we’re able to gather something to help solidify his claims.”

TM: Which he will then use as collateral to bankroll his production of House at the End of the Drive: The Night of the Warwick Warlocks.

Steve, Donna and Tango are unrolling extension cords.

Grant interviews: “There’s a lotta stigma attached to the Manson murders. We really wanna try to overcome that and try and figure out what’s really happening.”

TM: Yeah, well, wait until the stigma of being investigated by TAPS gets rolling.

MB: I don’t think the weasel means stigma, by stigma.

TM: Oh. Right. Never mind.

Out at Command Central, which is the van, Tech Manager Steve is managing.

Steve: “All right – uh – that’s fine.”

Jason: “Everything good?”

Steve: “Yeah, we got all the cables up. Everything’s rolling. This is, of course – uh – the master bedroom. Uh – this here is that lower room. We got another shot of the stairs so we can catch the bottom two tiers, and uh – here we have the bedroom, so that’s it.”

The camera monitor screen announces that it is 11/11/2006 at 2:56:35.

Jason: “All right. Awesome. Let’s get the lights out and – uh – start investigating.”

MB: It’s nice that ghosts never do anything before TAPS “starts investigating.”

TM: It would be so awkward if the ghosts showed up during equipment set-up. Because that’s when Jason and Grant are out at the snack table.

There is an interruption to the side, which is greeted. A new actor is joining the troupe. “Hey, there he is!” “What’s going on, man?”

Grant interviews: “Chris Fleming is a great friend of both J. and I. He investigates a little bit differently. He brings in different equipment. We really just felt like this was the perfect case for Chris to come in and work with him again.”

Grant in scene: “We’re just about to head in and turn off all the lights, so perfect timing.”

Chris Fleming, investigator, interviews: “When Jason and Grant called me about this place, I was very excited. I figured this’d be a great chance for me to work with the K2 meter – uh – which basically can pick up any type of electromagnetic disturbances.”

TM: At last, we’ve arrived! The infamous K2 I’ve been promising you for ages.

MB: I’m riveted.

TM: Yeah, well, that will probably cause a false positive, so cool it.

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

Steve: “Okay, guys. All right.”

The lights are murdered.

Guest Bedroom 8:47 PM

Steve: “What’ve you got there, EMF?”

Dave Tango is walking backward staring at his EMF meter.

Tango: “Yeah. Getting a weird reading over here. There’s a spike and then…”

Grant interviews: “An EMF meter is designed to detect electromagnetic fields. The higher the number, the more intense the electromagnetic field is, and the more intense the field is, the more potential there is for some paranormal activity.”

TM: Which is why ghosts cluster around electrical outlets.

MB: You don’t suppose that’s why they like light switches?

TM: Let’s add that theory to the one about ghosts as coffee grounds. We can write a book!

Tango: “To 2. It slowly went down and not it’s just point one.”

Steve interviews: “Tango and I were investigating the guest bedroom. We were getting’ a spike on the EMF gauge.”

Steve in scene: “Is there anybody in here with us?”

Tango: “It’s at zero. 1.7. 2.3. And it goes back down. Can you come near me? Oick. 1.8. Look at this – look look look look look. Where’s it coming from?”

Steve: “I don’t know. Do whatever it is you need to do to move something, make a noise, let us know you’re here, or else we’re just not gonna think you’re here. We’re not gonna think you can do anything.”

Tango’s eyebrows go up, as they both look at the window.

Steve interviews: I was asking for a sign of some sort of presence and the blinds started to move a little bit.”

Steve in scene: “You see?”

Tango: “Yeah, I see it. Did that just start doin’ that?”

Steve: “There’s no breeze back here whatsoever.”

Steve interviews: “We tried to find anything that would cause these blinds to move and – uh – we weren’t able to find anything . We’re not really sure what it could have been.”

TM: Well, obviously, it was ghosts.

MB: If I’m reduced to rattling blinds to communicate when I’m dead, I’m going to be so pissed.

TM: I wouldn’t mind snapping shades.

Living Room 9:20 PM

Jason, Grant and Chris are having a séance!

Chris: “Can you give us a real concrete sign you’re here?”

Chris is holding a small meter with blinking lights, and sweeping his hand around in front of him.

Jason: “Come over here. Feel this.”

Grant is sitting on a sofa holding the FLIR. It’s registering 74.5.

Chris: “Ooh. There’s a difference in…”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Chris: “Density, something.”

They are moving their hands over a chair, as if conjuring.

Jason: “I don’t know what to call that.”

Chris: “It seems dry over here, though. Uhh …”

Jason plops himself in the chair.

MB: That will get its attention.

TM: Ouch.

Chris: “Can you manifest? Can you move an object? Can you throw something? C’mon. We need something concrete.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Chris: “C’mon, this is…”

A loud noise.

Chris: “What was that?”

Grant: “Hello?”

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Saturday 9:20 PM

We have to listen to Chris’s dumb questions again, because Pilgrim thinks its viewers’ shot-term memories are seriously compromised.  Also, they probably need filler. The FLIR says it’s 11/12 and 1:09:31, not 9:20, but whatever.  We don’t care.

The noise repeats.

Grant interviews: “We were sitting in the living room on the top floor and then we heard this loud bang from the kitchen.”

Grant in scene: “If we go into the fridge right now, we can see if the ice maker is doing something.”

They all troop out to the kitchen.

Jason: “Yeah, I can show you how to check it. Is it – did it refill?”

MB: Jason thinks Grant doesn’t know how an ice maker works.

TM: Maybe he doesn’t. It’s not like he’s a plumber.

Grant: “No, it’s frozen together.”

TM: But he’s been studying up.

Grant interviews: “I opened up the freezer and inspected the ice to find that it was all actually frozen together and there was no fresh ice in it, so we knew it wasn’t that.”

Grant in scene: “Look for anything that’s out of place.”

Chris, to himself: “No, that’s rubber.”

Jason interviews: “The noise came from in that kitchen, but what it came from, we have no idea.”

TM: It was time-traveling ice.

MB: TAPS driving the ghosts to drink.

TM: Drinking ghosts of the future, because I still don’t believe ghosts act like squatters.

Jason in scene: “Whyn’t you bust out your K2 and we’ll start askin’ questions.”

Master Bedroom 10:05 PM

Grant interviews: “The K2 meter measures magnetic fields and it’s been specially calibrated for paranormal investigations. The theory behind the K2 meter is that if there’s a spirit in the area, the K2 meter will pick up its magnetic field. Now you can then train the spirit supposedly to intensify its magnetic field therefore lighting up the lights on the meter.”

MB: “Training” ghosts – what’s next?

TM: Next, they will be offering ghosts on-line degree programs. If they can train ghosts to use filched credit cards, Jason can get himself that star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Chris: “You can communicate with us through this device by yes or no answers. You can make it jump up quickly twice for yes, once for no.”

MB: And next, Grant will go into a cabinet and pull cheesecloth ectoplasm from various bodily orifices.

TM: OMG – now I’m seeing that.  Thanks a lot.

MB: I thought TAPS believed ouija boards were the gates to hell.

TM: Gates of hell don’t run on batteries.

Jason: “Chris wanted to ask the spirits to pass in front of the K2 meter, making this meter light up.”

Chris: “Look at this. Look at this. Are you getting this?”

The K2 meter, held by Grant, is flashing like a Vegas strip joint.

Chris: “Okay, come forward please and cause it to go off again. Make it go crazy, all excited like. What’s this in here?”

He leans over to prod something on the table nearby.

Grant: “That’s recording…”

TM: Well, if that’s a recorder, the K2 must be picking up that, although frankly, I think it’s just Grant pushing the button, because look – it’s doing the power up and down flash. You need to watch this video, Mme.

MB: Pft. I’d believe a Ouija Board over Grant, any day.

TM: Ouija Boards don’t believe in grosts.

MB: Ghants.

TM: Neither one. Two portals to the same hell.

Chris: “Uh – here we go.” The light is flashing again.. “There we go.”

Grant: “There it is.”

Chris: “It’s back.”

Grant: “Let’s see how long it – J., what are you doing? Sending vibes over here?”

Jason: “I’m not. I’m just – you can feel almost a coolness in the air.”

Jason and Chris are waving their hands in the air in front of the K2 meter held by Grant.

Chris: “Yeah.”

Jason interviews: “Grant and Chris and myself were in the master bedroom and we started experiencing cold spots. Some paranormal investigators believe that cold spots are indications of spirits’ presence [from them?] drawing in the energy in the air around to try to manifest themselves, and during experiencing those the K2 meter started going haywire.”

Grant: “There’s gotta be something normal about that.”

TM: Okay, so the weasel doesn’t always fib all the time.

Jason: “Do you think there’s a problem with the battery in it? Or something?”

Chris: “I put a brand-new one in.”

Jason interviews: “I asked Chris if maybe the batteries were – were getting low or if there was a problem with them and – uh – we decided that we’re gonna head out and change the batteries just to see if that was the issue.”

TM: That means it’s snack time. Or cigarette break. You know, it’s been a long time since we saw someone light up.

MB: It’s important that TAPS set a good example for America’s youth, I guess.

TM: It’s not like fibbing damages your lungs.

Living Room 10:20 PM

Steve: “Uh – we’re in this living room. The original stories are – uh – noises, footsteps, shadows.:

Donna: “What say we do some EVP work in here?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Donna: “If there’s somebody here, could you let us know your name?”

TM: But only if you’re a famous murder victim.

Steve interviews: “EVP stands for electronic voice phenomena, a sound or a voice that imprints on a recording device, in this case a digital recorder.”

Steve in scene: “Is anybody here with us? Can you make a noise?”

Donna: “We just wanna communicate and – uh – hear what you have to say.”

Steve: Are you in fact the people that were murdered?”

Donna: “Are you angry about what happened? Are you upset with Charles Manson?”

MB: Oh, Donna.

TM: And what would you ask?

MB: Leading the witness is never useful. She might as well ask if they’re upset with health care reform.

TM: They probably are.

MB: There you go. If stupid questions are to be asked, at least they should be useful stupid questions. Like, why are you in this ghastly house?

TM: And thumbs up or down on the movie? And why can’t you haunt somebody classier, like Scorsese?

Jason interviews: “After changing the batteries we headed back to the bottom floor of the house.”

Guest Bedroom 11:14 PM

Chris: “You wanna hold this?” He hands the K2 meter to Jason.

Jason: “Yeah, okay, that’s fine.”

Chris: “Please come forward in front of this device and cause it to spike. Two spikes means yes, one means no. Are you a male? Two for yes, one for no.”

The K2 meter obediently blinks twice.

Chris: “There we go. Two for yes. It’s male. Are there more of you here? Yes or not? Yes. Are you one of the people that was murdered? From the house that used to exist… Before I finished, it said yes. Who’s one of the males that died?”

Jason: “Jay Sebring.”

Chris: “Is your name Jay Sebring? Yes or no? Two for yes, one for no. Yes.”

Grant: “Yes, Jay Sebring.”

TM: Yeah, they just don’t want to try to say Wojciech Frykowski.

MB: I don’t suppose we’ll hear any mention of the fact that ouija boards lie all the time.

TM: We do not.

Chris: “Is one of the females that haunts this house Sharon Tate? Yes.”

MB: This is not only silly, it’s kind of tasteless.

TM: The “t” in TAPS does not stand for taste.

Jason interviews: “We started getting spikes in the K2 meter as Chris was asking some pretty personal questions and it was – it was kind of startling to start seeing this meter answer yes or no through the amount of blinks.”

MB: For a guy in reality television, Jason’s got a strange view of what personal questions are.

Chris: “Let’s move up to the next level.”

Jason: “You wanna go up a level? Absolutely. How do you think that spirits are able to manipulate this thing?”

Chris: “The theory is that since they are energy and not matter, and this measures energy, coming in close proximity can cause this to go off.”

TM: Hence, Geiger counters. Hey, where are the Geiger counters?

MB: I think they’ve gone the way of the night vision goggles.

Master Bedroom 12:45 AM

Jason: “There is definitely a heavy feeling when you get into this room.”

Chris: I’m gonna try something. All right, everybody just try not to move at all. Can you please come back into this room with us? Please respond. Yes. Okay. Who killed you? Who murdered you? Who was this person that did this to you?”

Grant is holding the K2 meter, which flashes aimlessly. Bet they’re sorry they don’t have ouija board now.

TM: Yeah, because there are only so many yes-no questions you can ask before you start getting bored.

Chris: “Are you still here?” [flash] Yes. You don’t get a chance to talk to people like this, do you? No. It’s – see, it’s like using a weejee board but no one can push it. You know what I mean?”

Grant: “Yeah, you’re not asking for – it’s yes or no.”

Chris: “Right.”

Grant: “You can’t [?]”

Chris: “Did Dave bring out a weejee board once before? Yes. Have you ever played with a weejee board before? Yes or no? Yes.”

MB: “Played with a weejee board” is an interesting turn of phrase.

TM: Ol’ Chris is a psychic. He doesn’t need any weejee boards. He’s only using a K2 so he can be on Ghost Hunters. Although I still haven’t figured out why he wants to be on Ghost Hunters using a K2 meter.

Jason interviews: “We experienced some cold spots again, and the K2 meter started acting up again, so it definitely appears that it wasn’t the batteries. Um – it appears something else was goin’ on.”

Guest Bedroom 9 hours into investigation

Dave Tango has joined the séance group.

Chris: “This is Dave. Will you please show him that you can affect this device and you can communicate to us through it?”

Tango is holding the blinky K2.

Chris: “Yes, okay, good.”

Tango: “Whoo.”

Grant: “Isn’t that crazy, Dave?”

Tango: “Wow.”

Chris: “Can you drop the temperature in the room, yes or no? Yes. Okay.”

Jason: “We’re at 66.4 right now.”

Chris: “Okay, 66.4. If the temperature in this room in front of this device that’s Jason’s holding is 66, can you make it drop down to 62? Prove to them that you are here by dropping the temperature to 62.

A small interval of silence. Very small.

Chris: “I’m feeling it getting colder and colder and colder in front of me.”

We are shown the FLIR screen saying it’s 11/12/06 at 2:43:43 and the temperature is 65.4.

Grant: “65.6.”

Jason: “That was weird.”

Grant: “65.6.”

Chris: “Drop the temperature. What do you got now? Controlled reading.”

Jason: “64. 65. Yeah.”

Chris: “We got 64. You need to have it go to 62. Bring it to 62. I know you can do this.”

Jason: “64.1”

Grant: “Yep.”

Chris: “62. Bring it to 62.”

Jason: “63.9. 63.7”

Jason interviews: “To my amazement, it started goin’ down.”

MB. Oh, for god’s sake. As if.

TM: Yeah, this is all hooey. Jason is bald-faced prevaricating.

MB: I don’t understand why they even tried, it’s so ridiculous. It’s like the Fiji mermaid.

TM: It’s not that good.

Jason in scene: “63.1. 63.”

Chris: “62.”

Grant: “63.7”

Chris: “62. Bring it to 62. I want 62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.9. 62.9.”

Chris: “62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.4 I’m stuck at.”

The Investigation Hollywood, California

Manson Murders Sunday 2:43 AM

Guest Bedroom 9 hours into investigation

We hear Chris again.

Jason interviews: “Chris, Grant and myself were all downstairs and Chris decided that he wanted to try to see if the spirit could lower the temperature in the room.”

Chris: “ I want 62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.9. 62.8.”

Chris: “Keep going. Cold spot.”

Jason: 62.4 I’m stuck at.”

Jason interviews: “To my amazement, it started goin’ down.”

Chris: Bring it to 62.”

Jason: “62.3. 62.1”

Chris: “Make it drop down to 62.”

Jason: “62.”

Chris slaps hand: “Oh!”

Grant cackles.

Chris: “62!”

Jason interviews: “Finally we got down to 62 degrees. It was a pretty big shock because the whole room didn’t change temperature, just in front of the thermometer is where it happened.”

MB: I wonder if they’ve bought into the idea that they’re “entertainment.”

TM: So this is a big goof, you mean?

MB: Nah. That would require a sense of irony. I guess not.

TM:  It is entertaining, in a backwards kind of way.  Look at you and your transcripts!

MB:  What’s wrong with us?

TM:  Us?

Jason in scene: “I’m going back up.”

Jason interviews: “And at that point the temperature started raising back up to the normal temperature of the room.”

Living Room 3:30 AM

Steve: “EMF is pretty flat – point 1, point 2, point 3, point 1, point 2.”

Tango: “You want to do some EVP work in here? Can you tell us your name?”

Steve: “Point 2.”

Tango: “Make your presence known right now.”

Steve: “All we want to do is document your presence.”

Jason on radio: “All right, guys. It’s gettin’ late. You know – it’s time to wrap it up.”

Jason interviews: “Tonight we found everything from high EMF to sounds coming from all different areas of the home. I’m really lookin’ forward to starting to look at it and really try to break it down and see what we caught.”

TM: Everything from high EMF to sounds – whoo!

MB: No mention of the temperature drop to order?

TM: Well, they haven’t done post-production on that one yet, so it’s probably prudent not to mention it.

Grant interviews: “We still have a lot of video and audio evidence to go over. Um – hopefully we have something that proves it one way or the other.”

Jason: “Hey, Dave.”

Oman: “Hey, Jason. How are ya?”

Jason: “Good. Well, we’re pretty much all wrapped up.”

Grant: “We’re ready to get out of here, man.”

Jason: “So what we’re gonna do in the next few days is go over the evidence we’ve gathered and come back, sit down with you and let you know what we found, what we didn’t find, and take it from there.”

Oman: “Well, again, I wanna say thank you both and your whole team for coming out here and investigating the house. I really appreciate it.”

Jason: “Hey, thanks for havin’ us out, man.”

Oman: “My pleasure. Take care of yourselves.”

Grant: “Okay, and get some sleep, all right?”

Oman: “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

TM: You know, America’s Next Top Model is way more intellectual than Ghost Hunters.

MB: Oh, pshaw.

TM: No, really.

Oman interviews: “It would definitely be a sense of confirmation if TAPS comes back and can show me some interesting evidence of paranormal activity in the house.”

MB: Because if TAPS says so, it must be true, and he hasn’t known it was true before because he had only himself and his friends and laborers to confirm it. Oh, Oman. Do you suppose he knows they were fabricating all that stuff?

TM: We’re in Hollywood. He may not know, but he can hope.

The Analysis

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Monday 9:00 AM

They’re at the Holiday Inn, which must have given them a discount.

Steve: “All right, Tango. Uh – Cielo Drive?”

Tango: “Yep.”

Steve: “We’re gonna review all this stuff? I’ll start with wireless audio. You wanna start with digital audio?”

Tango: “Okay, will do.” Tiny time lapse. “Mm. Oh, wow. Wow wow. Steve, I got somethin’ pretty – pretty crazy.”

The Findings

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Monday 10:45 PM

Jason: “All right, guys.”

Tango: “All right.”

Steve: “All right, I got you the Cielo house.”

Jason: “Yep.”

Steve: “Cielo Drive.”

Grant: “What a place, huh?”

Jason: “A little strange bein’ right next to the Manson murders.”

Tango: “Ah, it’s a creepy feeling.”

MB:  They still haven’t crushed the humanity out of Tango.

TM:  That’s why he’s still “in training.”

Jason: “A lot of us had personal experiences that night.”

Grant: “Well, I remember one point in the night we heard a noise from the kitchen area.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “And we couldn’t figure out what it was.”

Jason: “What about you guys?”

Steve: “There was one time when we were in the –uh – that bedroom in the basement area.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Steve: “And uh – a section of blinds started to move.”

Tango: “Right.”

Steve: “And it was just as…”

Tango: “You asked for a sign.”

Steve: “Right. I asked for a sign. It was just a certain section of blinds. Nobody was standing next to them. Nobody walked by.”

Tango: “Yeah. No drafts anywhere.”

Steve: “No drafts. It was just like five or six of them just kinda goin’ like this.” He waves his hands a lot more than the blinds moved. We do have three audio clips.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Steve: “That are pretty cool.”

Grant: “Sweet.”

Jason: “Well, let’s listen to ‘em.”

MB:  Because we’re not going anywhere with those blinds.  Pft.

TM:   Poor Steve.  He never gets the good stuff.

Steve: “I’ll let you hear the first one here.”

He plays a clip of Donna asking if whoever it is, is angry at Charles Manson. There are peeping sounds, like that of a small girl.

Steve: “And this was happening while Donna and I were investigating that living area upstairs and – uh – we never heard that.”

Grant: “Yeah, it sounds like ‘take take” – like it’s trying to come through and then –phumf.”

Tango: “Wow. Oh, yeah – take.”

The clip is played again.

Tango: “The lie, maybe?”

Steve: “Take me to the lights?”

TM: Someone’s been watching Poltergeist.

Jason: “That’s strange. Okay.”

Steve: “Here’s another one, and that also comes from where Donna and I were investigating in that living area. Still a woman’s voice, I think, but – uh – different tone.

We hear a clip of extended squeaking.

Grant: “Holy crap! Freaky.”

Jason: “I can’t make out what it’s saying.”

Grant: “Sounds like completely desperate.”

Tango: “That’s creepy.”

MB: It is creepy.

TM: Too bad they’ve got it in an episode where they’re faking everything.

MB: It doesn’t help.

Grant: “Why are you something – sounds like to me.”

Tango: “The opening would could like they’re in distress, though you know they – like they’re not comfortable.”

Jason: “It was an interesting case with one of the most morbid histories I think we’ve ever dealt with.”

Steve: “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.”

Jason: “Make us copies of this. Let’s – let’s go talk to Dave.”

Tango: “Will do.”

Steve: Okay, guys.”

Jason: “All right?” He slaps Grant on the back. All right, guys. Catch you later.”

Steve: “See you later.”

Jason: “Thanks, guys.”

The Reveal

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Tuesday 12:25 PM

Grant: “Dave.”

Oman: “It’s nice to see you again. Jason – nice to see you again, too.”

Jason: “How are you?”

Oman: “Fine. Well, dying to hear what’s going on, so to speak.” He laughs.

Grant: “Well, as you know we came here to hear your stories and try to find out what the heck is going on. Now there are a few factors we kept in mind the whole time, and that was of course the brutal murders that happened at the end of the road.”

Jason: “Bunch of us had our own personal experiences and there were a few things that were caught.”

MB: But what are the other “few factors?”

TM: David Oman’s connections to the next incarnation of Hollywood Squares. Oh, and the bit parts they’re going to get in the sequel to The House at the End of the Drive.

Grant: “We were actually sitting in this upper living room here and we need your help so if you listen close.”

Oman: “Sure.”

Jason: “Just let us know if you hear this noise often or whatever.”

The clip with the noise that sounds like an ice machine is played.

Oman: “The ice maker is – matter of fact is broken.”

Grant: “That’s what we surmised ‘cause as soon as we went in there and looked at the ice in the ice tray, it was all frozen together.”

Jason: “We just could not figure out where it – where it came from.”

Oman, grinning: “The ice maker doesn’t work at all.”

Jason: “Good.”

TM: It’s the ghost of the ice maker! We were close.

Grant: “Chris had brought this EMF detector called a K2 meter – uh – which he feels he can use to communicate with the spirits and make them flash it twice for yes or once for no.”

Jason: “Actually, while we were downstairs, Chris was tryin’ to ask some questions. We had the K2 meter going. Now have you ever used the weejee board or done séances in the home?”

Oman: “Yes, as a matter of fact I have.”

Jason: “Listen. Go ahead.”

The Chris ouija questioning is played again.

Oman, laughing: “God. No way. As a matter of fact, I have been told not to use the weejee board because it has a tendency or it is believed that it can open up a portal to the other side.”

Grant: “We’ve never seen anything good come out of the use of a ouija board.” [he calls it weejee, too]

MB: Hunh. And the K2 is different how?

TM: In fairness, the K2 is less likely to tell you Lucifer is demanding the sacrifice of your uncle Henry.  Well, it could, but you’d kind of have to be thinking about it already.

Oman nods.

Grant: “Ready for more chills?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

The idiotic Jay Sebring and Sharon Tate questions are played. Oman is mugging extreme disbelief.

Oman: “You gotta be kidding me. Holy moly.” [more mugging] From all the questions I’ve ever had about if it’s Sharon, if it’s not Sharon who is it – this to me in confirmation that Jay Sebring and Sharon Tate are haunting this house.”

Jason: “It’s really tough to ever put it a name with any activity that you catch unless you’re a hundred percent sure it’s that person.”

MB:  What?

TM:  You can’t name anything unless you already know the name.  He was perfectly clear.

Jason:  “One other thing – downstairs in the very bottom floor in the – uh – bedroom, Chris decided he wanted to try to make contact with the spirits and see if they could actually lower the temperature of the room. He was asking them to drop it down to – 62 degrees?”

Grant: “Yes.”

Jason: “And the average temperature in the room was about 69 degrees and uh – surprisingly it – it went down. It – it slowly but surely went all the way down to 62 degrees. [Oman is mugging throughout this surprisingly brief account] It – yeah, we’ve got a couple audio clips we’d really like you to hear.”

TM: Yeah – see – they’re still in post-production. It takes a while to fiddle with those numbers.

MB: That FLIR really has come in handy, hasn’t it?

TM: We skipped over the thermal capture of goblins chasing them through the Irish woods, you know. We really should go back.

MB: Let’s not and say we did. Although I do like goblins.

TM: Well, it might have been sheep.

Oman: “Please. I’m – I’m very curious to listen.”

Jason: “You have heard voices and so forth in the home.”

Oman nods vigorously and eye rolls.

Jason: “Well, good. Then you can listen to these and you can let us know if they sound the least bit familiar to you.”

Oman: “Oh, yeah, please.”

Grant: “All right, here we go. You ready?”

The “take” squeaks are played.

Oman: “Holy sh___!”

Grant laughs.

Oman: “Uhh – I’ll just say that no, I have never heard that sound ever, in my entire life. Yeah.”

Grant: “EVPs are not the most comfortable thing to listen to.”

Oman: “Yeah. That’s just – whoo.”

Grant: “You ready?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Any idea, any guesses as to what it is saying?”

Oman: “I – it’s – it’s – it’s something – it’s – uh – it’s – uh – something or other that I hear definitely – it’s – that’s weird. That is very very interesting.”

TM: In other words, no. He has no idea.

MB:  And yet, he is so sure he does.

Grant: “Well, that’s not the last of it.”

The other clip is played.

Grant: “Yeah, that one sounds like it’s in complete despair.”

Oman: “Personally, I – I – I have to strongly say I’m not much of a believer in EVPs but hearing that, I am just dead curious as to what the hell that is.”

Grant: “Any guesses as to what it’s saying?”

Oman: “The first words I hear is why…did…why do I have so much… that really just takes me to another level of going – okay.”

Jason: “Well, but you’ve had a bunch of experiences.”

Oman: “Yeah, but it’s one thing to be able to say all right, I saw a ghost. All right, you saw it. It’s an intermittent incident. But this – it’s confirmation. It means this is actually here. It’s really happening. It’s not just my imagination. It’s a little bit more – real now.”

MB: Be careful what you wish for! I hope he had some whacking big nightmares after this.

TM: That’s kind of mean.

MB: He deserves worse. It’s too bad ghosts don’t throttle people except in the movies.

Jason: “God only knows with the area – you know – we did a lotta research on this entire area and – uh – lemme tell ya, you got a different kind of neighborhood. You got people who have killed themselves, and people who’ve been killed and everybody from George Reeves who you know took his own life right down the road. So…”

Grant: “The native American bodies were found all over the place here and…”

Jason: “Yeah.”

TM: Oh, so now it’s not the Manson murders anymore, but anybody and his uncle.

MB: And yet, the title remains the same.

TM: Anybody and His Uncle Murders does not have the same ring.

Grant: “And we still don’t know quite what’s goin’ on but you gotta understand one thing is that just because you can hear it now, it doesn’t mean that there’s anymore of a threat level or anything…”

Oman: “Oh, no.”

Grant: “To be afraid of or anything like that.”

Jason: “We – we caught a few good things over here so – there definitely seems to be some sort of paranormal activity going on and we really wanted to say thank you for having us out here.”

Oman: “Ah, Jason. Thank you very much.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Oman: “Grant. It’s been a pleasure.”

Jason: “Awesome. Well, let’s get outta here. C’mon.”

Oman, who must be going out to dinner with the guys for a little lighthearted post-séance evening and has forgotten he’s supposed to be pretending to bid them adieu: “Yeah, let’s go.”

Oman interviews: “Well, after hearing the EVPs, I have to say I’m a little bit floored to say the least with what I heard. I think that this has been a very validating experience and corroborates my suspicions and beliefs that this house is haunted.”

MB: And I’ve been on national television.

TM: Well, only cable, but yeah! If that isn’t validating…

Jason, in car: “I think – uh – those EVPs definitely caught him off guard.”

Grant: “They really did. Uh – as soon as he heard the things it seemed to really just unravel him.”

Jason: “Well, wanting and getting verifiable proof is something totally different, you know? Well, all in all, a good job.”

Grant: “Excellent job.”

They fist bump.

Grant: ‘That was a wild ride. Heh.”

Jason: “Yeah. On to the next.”

To be continued

MB: That ride was about as wild as Mr. Toad’s at Disneyland.

TM: The one with Hell at the end?

MB: Well, take out that part.

TM:  I’d leave it in.  All that hot air.

Tags: Brian Harnois, California, charlatans, Chris Fleming, Dave Tango, David Oman, Donna LaCroix, ghost hunters, Grant Wilson, Hollywood, Jason Hawes, Jay Sebring, K2 meter, ouija boards, paranormal, Sharon Tate, Steve Gonsalves, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society