Posts Tagged ‘Donna LaCroix’

The Ghost of Big Bird

May 3, 2010

Continuing with the mentally challenged Episode 312 of the now so- beyond-reality-show-it’s-passing-the-Oort-cloud Ghost Hunters, the almost equally mentally challenged Talking Mongoose and Mme. Blahblatsky recarp the half where the Perry Mason Studios are investigated.  The first half of this episode is here, in The Assent of K2.

TM:  Red Skelton Studios, and speak for yourself regarding mentally challenged.  You know, it strikes me that there are an awful lot of clowns involved in this episode.

MB:  I’d like to see Perry Mason investigate TAPS.  Then they’d be sorry.

perry mason 2

TM:  Grant wouldn’t stand a chance.   If Perry Mason grilled him, he’d admit to building Al Capone’s vaults.

Same disclosure applies per The Assent of K2..

TAPS has finished “investigating”  at the house that is sort of but not exactly on the site of the Manson murders, and is moving on to Muppet misdeeds.

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The Assent of K2 and the Ghost of Big Bird

April 30, 2010

In which TAPS reveals the full extent of its esteem for its pathetic fans, by pretending to lower the temperature of a room, and using a blinky EMF detector as an electronic ouija board, and faking a ghost and a debunking of said ghost without even having the courtesy to try to be realistic and generally makes it crystal-ball clear they despise us, their audience gullible enough to watch them. Also, they can’t like themselves much anymore, and their shrink bills must be huge, if they went to shrinks, and I’m sure they don’t, but they should.

Tm: So, we’re having some fun then. A little irked, Mme. B?

MB: Moi?

TM: I assume there’s an ass in assent.

MB: There is.  More than one.

Okay, so this is another Talking Mongoose/Mme. Blahblatsky recarp of the infamous Episode 312 of the fantasy reality show Ghost Hunters, in which TAPS plays a battery-powered version of Twenty Questions in a house that is nearish but not really on the site of the ghastly Manson murders. Also, they invade the home of the Muppets. We would say things can’t get much more ridiculous than this episode, but we have seen the future, and we would be wrong.  This episode has probably been talked about enough, but we wanted to add our two cents.

TM:  Four cents.

MB:  Four cents?

TM: I am no penny-ante. Plus we need more to jam the K2 switch.

Disclosure: As always, I have worked my fingers to a nubbin to retrieve every last bit of tedious dialogue that belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc, who are perfectly aware that said dialogue is so not worth retrieving and have probably had a number of snorts over my idiotic efforts.

TM: There’s a theme here, I’m thinking.

MB: Alas, yes.

Episode 312

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads for the Hollywood hills to investigate the scene of the Manson family massacre. Has the spirit of the murdered actress Sharon Tate returned to the neighborhood? Then, TAPS takes center stage at the old Charlie Chaplin studios. Will the ghost of the former owner make a surprise appearance?

Credits roll. Dave Tango is still in training, in the world’s longest apprentice program to learn absolutely nothing.

TM: You have to work at learning nothing. Things get by you without constant vigilance.

MB: He’s probably being forced to unlearn things.

TM: Like reason and logic.

MB: And grammar.

Jason and Grant are “plumbing.”

Grant: “All right, so.”

Jason: “She lost her wedding ring?”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So we’re gonna have to pull the trap system. Yeah.”

Grant is groveling under a sink. A phone rings.

TM: We haven’t seen the phone call while plumbing scene in ages. I missed it!

MB: I’d be more convinced if that ring came out with a giant hunk of hair.

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TAPS Goes Abroad: The Dusting of Dustin

March 19, 2010

leap castle

The luck of the Irish ran out in 2006 with an invasion from the west, in the form of our fake plumbers from Warwick. Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp Ghost Hunters episode 306, The Attack of the Irish Elemental. Whether the TAPS guys actually know what an elemental is, we honestly can’t tell you.

Talking Mongoose Spoiler: this is a Landmark Episode not because it marks the start of the scary amoeba-like splitting of this bizarre franchise, but because they have given up on the stationary camera, the one thing that was supposed to provide “proof” of the existence of ghosts. This is terribly disappointing.

MB: You’re not disappointed at all.

TM: Nope.

Disclaimer: All dialogue quoted belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who are still, three seasons on, too embarrassed to send it out for captioning so Mme. Blahblatsky is still exposing herself to severe brain damage doing the transcribing. It is a good thing she is amused by very little.

MB: You know there’s no way I’d be doing this otherwise, don’t you?

TM: I do.

MB: Because really, this is an insane thing to do.

TM:  It’s a good thing you have all  your shots.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to Ireland for their first overseas investigation at Leap Castle

Brian, in car, is shouting “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?

Narrator: “reportedly one of the most haunted places in the world.”

Jason is saying something about a murderous elemental and Tango seems to be about to jump out of his skin.

Narrator: “As the team come face to face with the demonic entity that lurks on these grounds.”

Brian is either trying to trap something, or avoid it, by closing a door.

Narrator: “Then, who becomes the target of a vicious attack?

There are cries of “Oof!” and “Aw!” and “Dude!”

TM: I’m guessing it’s one of the Three Stooges.

The old credits roll: Steve, Donna, Brian, Dustin. Dave Tango is still an investigator-in-training. TAPS must have incorporated as a medieval guild.

TM: That’s got to be unconstitutional.

MB: I think they’re still making him pay for being such a smart-aleck on the Queen Mary.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

There’s the old storefront. Inside, Donna is addressing Jason and Grant across the conference table. Donna is stoked.

Donna: “I have the. best. case. ever. ever.” She is beaming.

Grant: “Whoa.”

Donna: “I was talking with Barry Fitzgerald over in Ireland.”

Jason: “Yeah.” Jason is acting cool.

Grant is not acting cool: “Oh my god!”

Donna: “You ready for this? He said he could get us into Leap Castle.”

Grant whooshes: “Aw!”

Donna: “And we have the whole run of the place ourselves. Leap Castle!”

Grant and Donna high-five each other across the table. Jason is too cool for that, but he allows himself to smile.

Grant: “That’s frickin’ awesome.”

Donna: “I mean we’ve all dreamt about – like really – this is the top of the top of the top. The cream de la crème.”

MB: But there isn’t any cream in crème. That’s why they have to call it crème.

TM: I like crème.

MB: You also like cream.

TM: True. but I’d rather have crème in certain things. Like Easter eggs. Easter eggs are the cream de la crème. More so than Leap Castle, certainly.

MB: Never mind about Easter eggs. I want to know how long it took them to learn how to pronounce “Leap” correctly.

TM: Oh, sure, they can say it, but can they spell it?

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Holy Grail, Holy Crap

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

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For Sham! TAPS En Vacance II

October 3, 2008

Continuing on this merry California holiday in the second season of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads south from the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose to Long Beach, where they are going to do a definitive cursory investigation of the fabled ocean liner Queen Mary.  Somewhere Peter James raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.  R.I.P.

See disclaimer in En Vacance Part I.

Desert landscapes whisk past.

Jason: “During our drive through California, we got to see some of the great places. L.A. (he shrugs) – jeez, that’s bigger than Rhode Island is.”

TM:  Everything’s bigger than Rhode Island.

MB:  The Queen Mary is bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  The Winchester Mystery House is bigger than Rhode Island.

MB;  I have a dog bed that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  You have a cat that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

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For Sham! TAPS En Vacance

September 30, 2008

In which the Atlantic Paranormal Society pretends to investigate the Winchester Mystery House, and then, in a tour de force of – something, “debunks” faked “evidence” on the haunted Queen Mary.  Who faked the evidence?  The Talking Mongoose has some ideas.

Now that we chumps at the Ouija Board know to our dissatisfaction that those hucksters of hauntings, peddlers of the paranormal, drummers of duplicity, TAPS, are working both sides of the fence, we’re not going to subject ourselves to the agony of examining episodes like the Bradley Playhouse yawner in depth. Life is too damn short. Mme. Blahblatsky has dogs to walk, and the Talking Mongoose has become enamored of Gordon Ramsay and Sir Alan Sugar. Where we focus our gimlet eyes from now on will depend on pure whim. It’s not like we’re going to run out of episodes anytime soon, as they’re being run off the Pilgrim production line as fast as Krispy Kreme makes doughnuts.

So per Talking Mongoose request, we’re off to California. This is a transcripty recarp of episode 211, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, of the “reality show” in which “Ghost Hunters” pretend to hunt and/or debunk ghosts.

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A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

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The Myrtles

March 2, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky here doing the recarp. The Talking Mongoose is still perking like an old coffee pot about the first season of the quasi-reality show Ghost Hunters,” and will join me later for a Ouija session. For now, I’m on my own with the first episode of the second season, and it’s just as well. The Myrtles holds a special place in my heart. If you’ve spent any time reading up on ghosts in America in the past several decades, you must have heard of the Myrtles.

I’m not such a fan of “Ghost Hunters” as I was before I started this blog a mere two months ago. Now it’s more like a sick fascination. I can’t stop watching and taking notes. It is such a watery stew of incoherent speech, inaction, and irresolution that occasional lumps of carrot give greater pleasure than they should.

Anyway, I was both delighted and appalled to realize TAPS had gone to the Myrtles. What havoc would they wreak with the Louisiana mansion of my imagination? Eh, well, it’s TAPS, so – not so much. They just managed to make it sort of dull.

Disclaimer: All the astoundingly stultifying dialogue I have kindly transcribed for no pecuniary consideration whatsoever belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

The narrator announces big doings at The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS gets a new headquarters, and new faces, but as TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind? And then Jason and Grant head deep into the bayous, but will they be ready for what awaits?

CREDITS – are same as last season, except – no twin demonologists! That is not a good omen. I already miss Carl and Keith. No Andy Andrews. And two new women – PAULA RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, and KRISTYN FIELD INVESTIGATOR. Nobody gets last names in the credits. I guess that would confuse us, because we aren’t very bright.

Opening shot of Warwick City Hall, and a street banner of Historic Apponaug Village. Warwick seems pretty interesting. Why don’t we ever get to hunt ghosts in Warwick?

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

It’s winter, because there are three-foot high snowbanks in front of a small one-story brick storefront. Two guys in hooded parkas are shuffling along the sidewalk. It’s Jason and Grant, who, with the success of the first season of Ghost Hunters and the complaints of the neighbors spurring them on, have moved The Atlantic Paranormal Society out of the mini-construction trailer parked on Jason’s front lawn.

Jason in voice-over: “My name is Jason Hawes and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. I’m the founder of TAPS, the Atlantic Paranormal Society. I started it back in 1990 after having my own paranormal experience. TAPS was also designed to help the people who believe they’re having a paranormal situation. We’re here to help out whoever needs us.”

Unless, of course, you’re seriously crazy, in which case you’d better hope your friends and relatives have your best interests at heart and don’t go inviting TAPS in to exploit your craziness.

Jason unlocks the front door of the new office space. Inside, there are dust covers over some furniture. They need to get organized. They’ve got to get it done because cases are waiting, impatiently. People all over the country are desperately waiting for TAPS to come and debunk their paranormal situations.

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