Posts Tagged ‘Brian Harnois’

The Ghost of Big Bird

May 3, 2010

Continuing with the mentally challenged Episode 312 of the now so- beyond-reality-show-it’s-passing-the-Oort-cloud Ghost Hunters, the almost equally mentally challenged Talking Mongoose and Mme. Blahblatsky recarp the half where the Perry Mason Studios are investigated.  The first half of this episode is here, in The Assent of K2.

TM:  Red Skelton Studios, and speak for yourself regarding mentally challenged.  You know, it strikes me that there are an awful lot of clowns involved in this episode.

MB:  I’d like to see Perry Mason investigate TAPS.  Then they’d be sorry.

perry mason 2

TM:  Grant wouldn’t stand a chance.   If Perry Mason grilled him, he’d admit to building Al Capone’s vaults.

Same disclosure applies per The Assent of K2..

TAPS has finished “investigating”  at the house that is sort of but not exactly on the site of the Manson murders, and is moving on to Muppet misdeeds.

(more…)

Advertisements

The Assent of K2 and the Ghost of Big Bird

April 30, 2010

In which TAPS reveals the full extent of its esteem for its pathetic fans, by pretending to lower the temperature of a room, and using a blinky EMF detector as an electronic ouija board, and faking a ghost and a debunking of said ghost without even having the courtesy to try to be realistic and generally makes it crystal-ball clear they despise us, their audience gullible enough to watch them. Also, they can’t like themselves much anymore, and their shrink bills must be huge, if they went to shrinks, and I’m sure they don’t, but they should.

Tm: So, we’re having some fun then. A little irked, Mme. B?

MB: Moi?

TM: I assume there’s an ass in assent.

MB: There is.  More than one.

Okay, so this is another Talking Mongoose/Mme. Blahblatsky recarp of the infamous Episode 312 of the fantasy reality show Ghost Hunters, in which TAPS plays a battery-powered version of Twenty Questions in a house that is nearish but not really on the site of the ghastly Manson murders. Also, they invade the home of the Muppets. We would say things can’t get much more ridiculous than this episode, but we have seen the future, and we would be wrong.  This episode has probably been talked about enough, but we wanted to add our two cents.

TM:  Four cents.

MB:  Four cents?

TM: I am no penny-ante. Plus we need more to jam the K2 switch.

Disclosure: As always, I have worked my fingers to a nubbin to retrieve every last bit of tedious dialogue that belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc, who are perfectly aware that said dialogue is so not worth retrieving and have probably had a number of snorts over my idiotic efforts.

TM: There’s a theme here, I’m thinking.

MB: Alas, yes.

Episode 312

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads for the Hollywood hills to investigate the scene of the Manson family massacre. Has the spirit of the murdered actress Sharon Tate returned to the neighborhood? Then, TAPS takes center stage at the old Charlie Chaplin studios. Will the ghost of the former owner make a surprise appearance?

Credits roll. Dave Tango is still in training, in the world’s longest apprentice program to learn absolutely nothing.

TM: You have to work at learning nothing. Things get by you without constant vigilance.

MB: He’s probably being forced to unlearn things.

TM: Like reason and logic.

MB: And grammar.

Jason and Grant are “plumbing.”

Grant: “All right, so.”

Jason: “She lost her wedding ring?”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So we’re gonna have to pull the trap system. Yeah.”

Grant is groveling under a sink. A phone rings.

TM: We haven’t seen the phone call while plumbing scene in ages. I missed it!

MB: I’d be more convinced if that ring came out with a giant hunk of hair.

(more…)

TAPS Goes Abroad: The Dusting of Dustin

March 19, 2010

leap castle

The luck of the Irish ran out in 2006 with an invasion from the west, in the form of our fake plumbers from Warwick. Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp Ghost Hunters episode 306, The Attack of the Irish Elemental. Whether the TAPS guys actually know what an elemental is, we honestly can’t tell you.

Talking Mongoose Spoiler: this is a Landmark Episode not because it marks the start of the scary amoeba-like splitting of this bizarre franchise, but because they have given up on the stationary camera, the one thing that was supposed to provide “proof” of the existence of ghosts. This is terribly disappointing.

MB: You’re not disappointed at all.

TM: Nope.

Disclaimer: All dialogue quoted belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who are still, three seasons on, too embarrassed to send it out for captioning so Mme. Blahblatsky is still exposing herself to severe brain damage doing the transcribing. It is a good thing she is amused by very little.

MB: You know there’s no way I’d be doing this otherwise, don’t you?

TM: I do.

MB: Because really, this is an insane thing to do.

TM:  It’s a good thing you have all  your shots.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to Ireland for their first overseas investigation at Leap Castle

Brian, in car, is shouting “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?

Narrator: “reportedly one of the most haunted places in the world.”

Jason is saying something about a murderous elemental and Tango seems to be about to jump out of his skin.

Narrator: “As the team come face to face with the demonic entity that lurks on these grounds.”

Brian is either trying to trap something, or avoid it, by closing a door.

Narrator: “Then, who becomes the target of a vicious attack?

There are cries of “Oof!” and “Aw!” and “Dude!”

TM: I’m guessing it’s one of the Three Stooges.

The old credits roll: Steve, Donna, Brian, Dustin. Dave Tango is still an investigator-in-training. TAPS must have incorporated as a medieval guild.

TM: That’s got to be unconstitutional.

MB: I think they’re still making him pay for being such a smart-aleck on the Queen Mary.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

There’s the old storefront. Inside, Donna is addressing Jason and Grant across the conference table. Donna is stoked.

Donna: “I have the. best. case. ever. ever.” She is beaming.

Grant: “Whoa.”

Donna: “I was talking with Barry Fitzgerald over in Ireland.”

Jason: “Yeah.” Jason is acting cool.

Grant is not acting cool: “Oh my god!”

Donna: “You ready for this? He said he could get us into Leap Castle.”

Grant whooshes: “Aw!”

Donna: “And we have the whole run of the place ourselves. Leap Castle!”

Grant and Donna high-five each other across the table. Jason is too cool for that, but he allows himself to smile.

Grant: “That’s frickin’ awesome.”

Donna: “I mean we’ve all dreamt about – like really – this is the top of the top of the top. The cream de la crème.”

MB: But there isn’t any cream in crème. That’s why they have to call it crème.

TM: I like crème.

MB: You also like cream.

TM: True. but I’d rather have crème in certain things. Like Easter eggs. Easter eggs are the cream de la crème. More so than Leap Castle, certainly.

MB: Never mind about Easter eggs. I want to know how long it took them to learn how to pronounce “Leap” correctly.

TM: Oh, sure, they can say it, but can they spell it?

(more…)

St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal II

February 8, 2010

The Talking Mongoose and Madame Blahblatsky are recarping episode 219 of Ghost Hunters, the end product of which should have been the white crow of The Atlantic Paranormal Society.  Unless it was a black crow.  We don’t know.

TM:  It could be black and white.  Striped.

MB:  You’re just saying that to encourage me to go on.

We left Jason and Grant recovering at Mission Control after chasing a crow ghost up the stairs at the St. Augustine Lighthouse, or so we are to believe.  See Part I here.

st. augustine lh interior

Lovely photo courtesy of www.flickr.com/photos/wordridden/9157511/

Steve’s fear of heights is keeping him out of the lighthouse with its 140-foot high spiral staircase.  Brian and Dustin have been sent in.

Lighthouse Tower

2:02 AM

Brian: “Can you hear me?” He whispers: “Dude, it’s responding to us.”

Dustin interviews: “It started when Brian and I get to the landing, we started giving the hellos, and we’d actually get a response.”

Brian: “These kind of responses or something…”

Dustin: “It sounded like a whisper.”

Brian: “Helloo!”

MB: Eek! I heard a squeaky hello just now.

TM: Pft. That could be the sound guy.

MB: Don’t be such a spoilsport.

(more…)

St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal

January 29, 2010

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp St. Augustine Lighthouse, episode 19 of the second season of the putative reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of fake plumbers continue their attempts to become paranormal answer to Penn and Teller.

MB:  Hey – what did you do to that lighthouse?

TM:  I shortened it, for Steve and his acrophobia.

MB:  How thoughtful.

So it’s been a while since we’ve done this.  The Talking Mongoose has been nagging me (Mme. Blahblatsky, the default secretary of the Ouija Board), insinuating that we are missing out on some fabu stuff by abandoning ship in the middle of the second season.  There’s no way I’m going to continue to transcribe every single asinine episode, but I’ve consented to do a few select ones.  The Talking Mongoose promises this one makes up for the other lighthouse episodes.

TM:  I did not.  I said it might.

MB:  I thought there was going to be a real ghost!

TM:  I don’t know. Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who can tell?

MB:  There’d better be.

Disclaimer: Sole proprietorship and full blame for the quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who saw fit to disseminate it on the public airwaves. We still think they’ve got an illegal dump for the out-takes  somewhere off Block Island.

Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS hunts for spirits in Florida’s oldest lighthouse. Will Steve’s fear of heights hamper the investigation? And what has the team frantically running up the stairs?

There is a lot of fast-cut commotion.  Then Brian issues the singular judgment:  “This is the Mona Lisa of all paranormal activity.”

MB:  Well, that’s all I need. I’m in.

TM:  I told you so.

The old credits roll, with everyone trying to look extra-dashing and earnest.

TM: Look! Donna is still the case manager.

MB: And Brian has been reduced to a mere investigator, but why is Dave still an investigator-in-training when he’s the only one who figured out the Queen Mary hoax?

TM: That would be why!

MB: Oh. Look.  Race Rock Lighthouse, when we were all younger and stupider.

TM: I miss those days.

MB: Me, too.

(more…)

For Sham! TAPS En Vacance

September 30, 2008

In which the Atlantic Paranormal Society pretends to investigate the Winchester Mystery House, and then, in a tour de force of – something, “debunks” faked “evidence” on the haunted Queen Mary.  Who faked the evidence?  The Talking Mongoose has some ideas.

Now that we chumps at the Ouija Board know to our dissatisfaction that those hucksters of hauntings, peddlers of the paranormal, drummers of duplicity, TAPS, are working both sides of the fence, we’re not going to subject ourselves to the agony of examining episodes like the Bradley Playhouse yawner in depth. Life is too damn short. Mme. Blahblatsky has dogs to walk, and the Talking Mongoose has become enamored of Gordon Ramsay and Sir Alan Sugar. Where we focus our gimlet eyes from now on will depend on pure whim. It’s not like we’re going to run out of episodes anytime soon, as they’re being run off the Pilgrim production line as fast as Krispy Kreme makes doughnuts.

So per Talking Mongoose request, we’re off to California. This is a transcripty recarp of episode 211, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, of the “reality show” in which “Ghost Hunters” pretend to hunt and/or debunk ghosts.

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

(more…)

Below the Normal

May 13, 2008

Below the Normal

The Ouija Board for Episode 207 of “Ghost Hunters” as recarped in Above the Normal, in which Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose attempt to ascertain the entertainment value of the episode, if any.

TM: Wha? Above the normal? Paranormal means above the normal?

MB: I don’t know. Jason has his own dictionary, I guess.

TM: Above the normal. That doesn’t make any sense.

MB: I guess it does in Jason’s world.

TM: Oh, right. That world where we differentiate between paranormal activity and haunted.

MB: Also, situations and scenarios.

TM: And the world where you can lunch on Harry’s New York style wieners in Altoona.

MB: ???

TM: That lunch in “Altoona,” when Jason and Grant were eating platters of chili dogs, and I found out about Altoona’s claim to Texas wieners for you? Harry’s was not a place in Altoona. It’s in Warwick, Rhode Island. I’m outraged.

MB: You weren’t outraged about the Wilmington Experiment.

TM: North Carolina didn’t involve lying about lunch.

MB: So what did they do, exactly?

TM: They were in Altoona. Jason and Grant supposedly were having an executive lunch and bitching vociferously about the Mishler Theater “disaster” and Brian losing “thousands of dollars of equipment.”

MB: I remember that.

TM: Well. They weren’t in Altoona at all. They were back in Rhode Island. The lunch was a total hoax. Think of all the heartbroken fans who have searched Altoona fruitlessly for Harry’s New York System Wieners so they could lunch where their idols had downed dogs.

MB: They had Texas wieners instead?

TM: They must have. I wonder if Pennsylvania Texas chili dogs are better than Rhode Island New York chili dogs? Probably. Rhode Island food is weird. Now, about that door.

MB: What about it? Actually, I have some questions. What is it about doors and ghosts? Do ghosts open doors to get attention, or do they just feel compelled to open doors? Do they only open doors for an audience? Did they know that camera was there? Or do they open doors any old time? What’s the deal? I want to know.

TM: I was going to say it all seemed a tad too convenient, if you know what I mean.

MB: I don’t.

TM: A double-doored closet? Come on.

MB: Too convenient for what? “Foul play?” Crap. You of anyone should be able to see the flaw in that. It’s too easy. Too obvious. Why? How? Who? What about the sound of the thumb latch being used an hour later that rendered Donna and Jason babbling idiots?

TM: Look here. In 1997 Norma Sutcliffe was claiming her house was sans spooks. “Nothing happening here,” she said.

MB: So now you think she’s gone to pretending it’s haunted when it isn’t? How is that logical? Maybe she had just moved in. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe she didn’t feel like telling the Providence Journal she had a haunted house, and she got over it later. A lot of people don’t tell strangers about their ghosts. Some think you might be asking for trouble doing that. Because you kind of are! Given the way most people feel about ghosts. I blame the Reformation, you know.

TM: I bet the Warrens weren’t Lutheran.

MB: Look. A clothes hanger “leaped from a closet.” Maybe the same closet.

TM: I like the bleeding orange. Cool stuff like that never really happens, damn it. Well, what is Ouija going to say about this episode? I don’t think I paid enough attention to vote.

MB: I don’t know. It didn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out, because of the door, but the Tanguay thing was so lame.

TM: Poor Tanguays.

MB: Indeed. Video games and electromagnetic-hypersensitivity – if that doesn’t sound like the bottom of the barrel being scraped.

TM: They haven’t blamed heavy metal music or swamp gas yet.

MB: That list is already getting too long, you know. We need another system.

TM: I have a brilliant idea. How about normal, above the normal, and below the normal?

MB: What’s normal?

TM: Boring but not scratch-your-eyes-out unbearable. No worse than watching paint dry. Above the normal is better than watching paint dry. Below the normal is bad enough to make you prefer watching paint dry.

MB: Okay, give this one an above the normal, but not too much! And now, I really am bored. I’ve had it. I don’t want to do the next damn episode.

TM: You want me to do it.

MB: I don’t want to do it at all. I want to do something else.

TM: How about Top Chef? Top Chef is on!

MB: No. I mean – another episode. An interesting episode.

TM: Oh. Well. Second season?

MB: I don’t care.

TM: Ah. I’d suggest the third season Manson murders one because I am so looking forward to seeing you get apopleptic about K-2 meters, but as it so happens, I just watched one that will make your hair curl.

MB: I like curly hair.

TM: Mmm. Well, this is the bad permanent kind of curl. The permanent that makes you shriek and throw things and consider shaving your head.

MB: But not boring?

TM: Nope. Not boring.

MB: Pft. Bring it on.

Next, Mme. Blahblatsky finds herself transported into the middle of the fourth season!

Above the Normal

May 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky recarps the seventh episode of the second season of the rehearsed reality show “Ghost Hunters. For some reason, the Talking Mongoose is sulking about Altoona and refuses to talk. I don’t know why.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television is the proud owner of all the dialogue quoted below, captured in print for the ages by moi, Mme. Blahblatsky. Apologies to the ages.

The narrator (whose name is Mike Rowe, by the way, as his stellar performances should not go uncredited) attempts to infect us all with his unbridled enthusiasm for the show.

Narrator: Last time, on Ghost Hunters, Brian walks away from Jason and Grant and his life at TAPS. And on this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is called in to help a terrified mom, but will Brian’s sudden departure and Steve’s promotion cause friction on the team? Then TAPS calls in an old friend to help investigate a creepy cabin. Jason and Donna have an eye-opening experience. But will Dustin be able to keep it together after an unexpected encounter?

We see Brian (sob) walking off into the twilight, a kid thrashing around in his bed, Kristyn and Steve having words, Donna having fits, and Dustin having fits. So! Promising!

Credits: Ack. Kristyn Gartland is back. So is Andy Andrews. And Dustin Pari now gets his own cool whirl-around-and-freeze “tech specialist” shot.

Jason and Grant are addressing Andy, Kristyn and Steve at headquarters, Warwick. They have a case in Springfield, Massachusetts. The family in jeopardy have a 6-year-old son.

Jason: “He’s getting yanked by the legs, uh – and the feet, poked in the feet. Now it’s actually escalated to the point where he’s getting poked in the head.”

Grant: “Supposedly Zach’s bed has started shaking violently a couple times. The mother can’t go down in the basement because she gets I guess ‘violently ill’ is the way it was described.”

Jason: “For all we know there could be carbon monoxide or anything, you never know.”

Steve offers to break out the carbon monoxide detectors, which must have been gathering dust somewhere down in the basement tech department. Andy looks drugged.

Grant: “So let’s go there. Let’s help this – uh – kid out, I mean, that’s what it all comes down to. It’s a small place. That’s why the team is so small. We invited Kristyn along because she had some paranormal experiences when her son was around, I imagine, the same age. For any insight, we can turn to her.”

Oh, yeah, Kristyn will be a big help. Just like she always is.

Jason: “Finally, Steve – he’s taken over the tech department. Movin’ on up.”

Kristyn, in a high-pitched fakey cheer: “Yayyyyyy. Good for you, buddy!”

I would gag, except I hate gagging.

(more…)

S.S. TAPS

April 28, 2008

The Ouija Board assessment of “Ghost Hunters” episode 206 (Ledge Lighthouse and Merchant’s House Museum) – Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose rate the entertainment value of the ghost hunt recarped in Bright Light, Big City.

TM: So. Entertainment. Was there any?

MB: I liked Thaxter Tewksbury. And Jerry Olsen’s throat-clearing ghost.

TM: I liked Pi Gardner baring her teeth at Jason when he tried to shake the stove.

TM: We’re sick of TAPS, aren’t we?

MB: I think I’ve lost the will to transcribe with Brian gone.

TM: Aw.

MB: No, really. Whenever I found myself cackling madly over a scene, Brian was usually in it. The others just make me groan.

TM: But Brian was sinking the ship. The S.S. TAPS was foundering on the rocks and about to go down!

(more…)