Archive for the ‘Television’ Category

The Ghost of Big Bird

May 3, 2010

Continuing with the mentally challenged Episode 312 of the now so- beyond-reality-show-it’s-passing-the-Oort-cloud Ghost Hunters, the almost equally mentally challenged Talking Mongoose and Mme. Blahblatsky recarp the half where the Perry Mason Studios are investigated.  The first half of this episode is here, in The Assent of K2.

TM:  Red Skelton Studios, and speak for yourself regarding mentally challenged.  You know, it strikes me that there are an awful lot of clowns involved in this episode.

MB:  I’d like to see Perry Mason investigate TAPS.  Then they’d be sorry.

perry mason 2

TM:  Grant wouldn’t stand a chance.   If Perry Mason grilled him, he’d admit to building Al Capone’s vaults.

Same disclosure applies per The Assent of K2..

TAPS has finished “investigating”  at the house that is sort of but not exactly on the site of the Manson murders, and is moving on to Muppet misdeeds.

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The Assent of K2 and the Ghost of Big Bird

April 30, 2010

In which TAPS reveals the full extent of its esteem for its pathetic fans, by pretending to lower the temperature of a room, and using a blinky EMF detector as an electronic ouija board, and faking a ghost and a debunking of said ghost without even having the courtesy to try to be realistic and generally makes it crystal-ball clear they despise us, their audience gullible enough to watch them. Also, they can’t like themselves much anymore, and their shrink bills must be huge, if they went to shrinks, and I’m sure they don’t, but they should.

Tm: So, we’re having some fun then. A little irked, Mme. B?

MB: Moi?

TM: I assume there’s an ass in assent.

MB: There is.  More than one.

Okay, so this is another Talking Mongoose/Mme. Blahblatsky recarp of the infamous Episode 312 of the fantasy reality show Ghost Hunters, in which TAPS plays a battery-powered version of Twenty Questions in a house that is nearish but not really on the site of the ghastly Manson murders. Also, they invade the home of the Muppets. We would say things can’t get much more ridiculous than this episode, but we have seen the future, and we would be wrong.  This episode has probably been talked about enough, but we wanted to add our two cents.

TM:  Four cents.

MB:  Four cents?

TM: I am no penny-ante. Plus we need more to jam the K2 switch.

Disclosure: As always, I have worked my fingers to a nubbin to retrieve every last bit of tedious dialogue that belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc, who are perfectly aware that said dialogue is so not worth retrieving and have probably had a number of snorts over my idiotic efforts.

TM: There’s a theme here, I’m thinking.

MB: Alas, yes.

Episode 312

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads for the Hollywood hills to investigate the scene of the Manson family massacre. Has the spirit of the murdered actress Sharon Tate returned to the neighborhood? Then, TAPS takes center stage at the old Charlie Chaplin studios. Will the ghost of the former owner make a surprise appearance?

Credits roll. Dave Tango is still in training, in the world’s longest apprentice program to learn absolutely nothing.

TM: You have to work at learning nothing. Things get by you without constant vigilance.

MB: He’s probably being forced to unlearn things.

TM: Like reason and logic.

MB: And grammar.

Jason and Grant are “plumbing.”

Grant: “All right, so.”

Jason: “She lost her wedding ring?”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So we’re gonna have to pull the trap system. Yeah.”

Grant is groveling under a sink. A phone rings.

TM: We haven’t seen the phone call while plumbing scene in ages. I missed it!

MB: I’d be more convinced if that ring came out with a giant hunk of hair.

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TAPS Goes Abroad: The Dusting of Dustin

March 19, 2010

leap castle

The luck of the Irish ran out in 2006 with an invasion from the west, in the form of our fake plumbers from Warwick. Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp Ghost Hunters episode 306, The Attack of the Irish Elemental. Whether the TAPS guys actually know what an elemental is, we honestly can’t tell you.

Talking Mongoose Spoiler: this is a Landmark Episode not because it marks the start of the scary amoeba-like splitting of this bizarre franchise, but because they have given up on the stationary camera, the one thing that was supposed to provide “proof” of the existence of ghosts. This is terribly disappointing.

MB: You’re not disappointed at all.

TM: Nope.

Disclaimer: All dialogue quoted belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who are still, three seasons on, too embarrassed to send it out for captioning so Mme. Blahblatsky is still exposing herself to severe brain damage doing the transcribing. It is a good thing she is amused by very little.

MB: You know there’s no way I’d be doing this otherwise, don’t you?

TM: I do.

MB: Because really, this is an insane thing to do.

TM:  It’s a good thing you have all  your shots.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to Ireland for their first overseas investigation at Leap Castle

Brian, in car, is shouting “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?

Narrator: “reportedly one of the most haunted places in the world.”

Jason is saying something about a murderous elemental and Tango seems to be about to jump out of his skin.

Narrator: “As the team come face to face with the demonic entity that lurks on these grounds.”

Brian is either trying to trap something, or avoid it, by closing a door.

Narrator: “Then, who becomes the target of a vicious attack?

There are cries of “Oof!” and “Aw!” and “Dude!”

TM: I’m guessing it’s one of the Three Stooges.

The old credits roll: Steve, Donna, Brian, Dustin. Dave Tango is still an investigator-in-training. TAPS must have incorporated as a medieval guild.

TM: That’s got to be unconstitutional.

MB: I think they’re still making him pay for being such a smart-aleck on the Queen Mary.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

There’s the old storefront. Inside, Donna is addressing Jason and Grant across the conference table. Donna is stoked.

Donna: “I have the. best. case. ever. ever.” She is beaming.

Grant: “Whoa.”

Donna: “I was talking with Barry Fitzgerald over in Ireland.”

Jason: “Yeah.” Jason is acting cool.

Grant is not acting cool: “Oh my god!”

Donna: “You ready for this? He said he could get us into Leap Castle.”

Grant whooshes: “Aw!”

Donna: “And we have the whole run of the place ourselves. Leap Castle!”

Grant and Donna high-five each other across the table. Jason is too cool for that, but he allows himself to smile.

Grant: “That’s frickin’ awesome.”

Donna: “I mean we’ve all dreamt about – like really – this is the top of the top of the top. The cream de la crème.”

MB: But there isn’t any cream in crème. That’s why they have to call it crème.

TM: I like crème.

MB: You also like cream.

TM: True. but I’d rather have crème in certain things. Like Easter eggs. Easter eggs are the cream de la crème. More so than Leap Castle, certainly.

MB: Never mind about Easter eggs. I want to know how long it took them to learn how to pronounce “Leap” correctly.

TM: Oh, sure, they can say it, but can they spell it?

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St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal II

February 8, 2010

The Talking Mongoose and Madame Blahblatsky are recarping episode 219 of Ghost Hunters, the end product of which should have been the white crow of The Atlantic Paranormal Society.  Unless it was a black crow.  We don’t know.

TM:  It could be black and white.  Striped.

MB:  You’re just saying that to encourage me to go on.

We left Jason and Grant recovering at Mission Control after chasing a crow ghost up the stairs at the St. Augustine Lighthouse, or so we are to believe.  See Part I here.

st. augustine lh interior

Lovely photo courtesy of www.flickr.com/photos/wordridden/9157511/

Steve’s fear of heights is keeping him out of the lighthouse with its 140-foot high spiral staircase.  Brian and Dustin have been sent in.

Lighthouse Tower

2:02 AM

Brian: “Can you hear me?” He whispers: “Dude, it’s responding to us.”

Dustin interviews: “It started when Brian and I get to the landing, we started giving the hellos, and we’d actually get a response.”

Brian: “These kind of responses or something…”

Dustin: “It sounded like a whisper.”

Brian: “Helloo!”

MB: Eek! I heard a squeaky hello just now.

TM: Pft. That could be the sound guy.

MB: Don’t be such a spoilsport.

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St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal

January 29, 2010

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp St. Augustine Lighthouse, episode 19 of the second season of the putative reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of fake plumbers continue their attempts to become paranormal answer to Penn and Teller.

MB:  Hey – what did you do to that lighthouse?

TM:  I shortened it, for Steve and his acrophobia.

MB:  How thoughtful.

So it’s been a while since we’ve done this.  The Talking Mongoose has been nagging me (Mme. Blahblatsky, the default secretary of the Ouija Board), insinuating that we are missing out on some fabu stuff by abandoning ship in the middle of the second season.  There’s no way I’m going to continue to transcribe every single asinine episode, but I’ve consented to do a few select ones.  The Talking Mongoose promises this one makes up for the other lighthouse episodes.

TM:  I did not.  I said it might.

MB:  I thought there was going to be a real ghost!

TM:  I don’t know. Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who can tell?

MB:  There’d better be.

Disclaimer: Sole proprietorship and full blame for the quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who saw fit to disseminate it on the public airwaves. We still think they’ve got an illegal dump for the out-takes  somewhere off Block Island.

Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS hunts for spirits in Florida’s oldest lighthouse. Will Steve’s fear of heights hamper the investigation? And what has the team frantically running up the stairs?

There is a lot of fast-cut commotion.  Then Brian issues the singular judgment:  “This is the Mona Lisa of all paranormal activity.”

MB:  Well, that’s all I need. I’m in.

TM:  I told you so.

The old credits roll, with everyone trying to look extra-dashing and earnest.

TM: Look! Donna is still the case manager.

MB: And Brian has been reduced to a mere investigator, but why is Dave still an investigator-in-training when he’s the only one who figured out the Queen Mary hoax?

TM: That would be why!

MB: Oh. Look.  Race Rock Lighthouse, when we were all younger and stupider.

TM: I miss those days.

MB: Me, too.

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Holy Grail, Holy Crap II

October 30, 2009

TM:  Someone sent me a link to a supposedly haunted doll a few months ago, which I showed to Mme. Blahblatsky and she shrieked “My eyes!  My eyes!”  It seemed she was looking at a picture of the doll in the arms of our favorite ghost hunters, Hans and Franz, and objected to them more than the doll.  I have been reminding ever since, lo these many months, that we have unfinished business here, and it might be good therapy.  So as it’s Halloween, she’s agreed to come back and heap some abuse on the Warwick mountebanks, in honor of the season.

MB:  Lordy.  It has been months.  Okay, almost edging into years.  I got really really peeved after that Fort Delaware debacle last Halloween, and frankly, I don’t think  Ghost Hunters is worth a red cent at this point, but the Talking Mongoose has talked me into continuing.  I’d finished the transcript way back in Ought-8, so all we had to do was – god help us – watch it again and complain.

We left Taps stranded in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, half-way through episode 213 of Ghost Hunters, right after they presented  the thermal reflection of Grant on a metal locker as a ghost.  Grost.  Ghant.    We don’t think they can really cap this, but the Talking Mongoose says they’re going to get something special next.  So let’s see.

The disclaimer from part one still applies – dialogue, Pilgrim, oil drums, blah blah blah.   (And now we think we know the origins of the Montauk monster.)

THE PITCH

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 3:00 PM

The gang has assembled at the van for a pep rally.

Jason: “This home’s supposedly one of the most haunted homes around this area. It was a physician, Dr. Ellis.”

Grant: “Dr. Ellis – he was the guy that supposedly came out of the elevator and went to that room.”

Dustin: “Right.”

Donna: “Oh, really?”

Grant: “This is his house.”

Jason: “Let’s get over there, let’s hear the stories and take it from there one step at a time.”

Grant: “We’ll play it by ear.”

TM:  As opposed to pre-planning hoaxes.  We’re going to be more spontaneous.

MB:  Hoaxes?

TM:  Just kidding.  You know me.

Jason: “All right, guys?”

Steve: “Cool.”

Jason: “Let’s get out of here.”

The black caravan trundles through downtown Eureka Springs. [can a ghost be in 2 places?] Jason, Grant, and Steve approach the door of a Victorian house.

Jason: “Hi, Carroll?”

Carroll Heath, Homeowner: “Gentlemen? Yes.”

Jason: “Hi, I’m Jason from TAPS.”

Carroll: “Jason.”

Grant: “Grant.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Grant: “This is Steve.”

Steve: “Nice to meet you, Carroll.”

Carroll: “Nice to meet you, gentlemen. Please come in.”

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 6:39 PM

Carroll interviews: “I certainly hope that TAPS gets on film our unseen friends. Anything we get on film will be really very wonderful.”

TM:  He doesn’t know about the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

TM:  The grostly ghant.

MB:  This house better not be ghanted, that’s all I can say.

TM:  Er…

MB: What?

TM:  Nothing.

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Hell Hath No Fury

November 19, 2008

mustela_nivalis_8627

In the wake of the debacle which was the annual live Halloween broadcast for Ghost Hunters 2008, from Fort Delaware, in which Grant pitifully faked being accosted by a ghost and told to go away, he has opined that the only people who would stoop to question his veracity are haters of the show and the whole paranormal field.

Au contraire, ma pauvre petite belette.  Only the deeply disappointed would be so outraged, to the point of dissecting the lameness in excruciating, mortifying detail.  To wit – a former Ghost Hunters fan, named formerghfan, has labored mightily to reveal the Truth, in 3D.  It would be quite devastating, if the notion of shame were part of the TAPS world view.  Happily for Hans and Franz, it isn’t.

And there are more former fans rending their garments and crafting sorrowful videos, like this one.  A lengthy and fascinating print vivisection of the episode may be read here.

Mme. B. is off sulking somewhere (although I think she believes the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum juju is directly responsible for this current disgrace) so I feel safe in contradicting her.  Grant Wilson is Marianne Foyster.     Next, he will enter into a bigamous marriage, move to North Dakota, and die in obscurity. Or, not.  I hear he has been throwing coat hangers.

Fort Delusion

November 15, 2008

We love youtube.

Here’s some Halloween hilarity we missed.  Well, actually – we didn’t miss it at all.  Here it is!

Nice work, moviedan! Especially the grand finale.  We laughed and laughed.  Now Mme. Blahblatsky has a splitting headache.

Halloween Apology

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose always think it’s Halloween.  So we don’t celebrate much on the real one anymore.  Nevertheless, we feel we must apologize for posting a totally non-ghost Ghost Hunters “ghost” account below.   It feels grinch-like.

But we totally know there are ghosts hanging around.  They just can’t be hunted on television, by idiots.

Here’s a message from Mme. Blahblatsky’s house ghost, written in dust on a dollhouse roof many years ago.  We can’t figure it out, either.  We think that may be the point.

And no, it’s not “dust me.”  Jeezum crow.

Holy Grail, Holy Crap

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

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