Posts Tagged ‘Rhode Island’

Holy Grail, Holy Crap

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

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For Sham! TAPS En Vacance II

October 3, 2008

Continuing on this merry California holiday in the second season of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads south from the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose to Long Beach, where they are going to do a definitive cursory investigation of the fabled ocean liner Queen Mary.  Somewhere Peter James raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.  R.I.P.

See disclaimer in En Vacance Part I.

Desert landscapes whisk past.

Jason: “During our drive through California, we got to see some of the great places. L.A. (he shrugs) – jeez, that’s bigger than Rhode Island is.”

TM:  Everything’s bigger than Rhode Island.

MB:  The Queen Mary is bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  The Winchester Mystery House is bigger than Rhode Island.

MB;  I have a dog bed that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  You have a cat that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

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A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

(more…)

Below the Normal

May 13, 2008

Below the Normal

The Ouija Board for Episode 207 of “Ghost Hunters” as recarped in Above the Normal, in which Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose attempt to ascertain the entertainment value of the episode, if any.

TM: Wha? Above the normal? Paranormal means above the normal?

MB: I don’t know. Jason has his own dictionary, I guess.

TM: Above the normal. That doesn’t make any sense.

MB: I guess it does in Jason’s world.

TM: Oh, right. That world where we differentiate between paranormal activity and haunted.

MB: Also, situations and scenarios.

TM: And the world where you can lunch on Harry’s New York style wieners in Altoona.

MB: ???

TM: That lunch in “Altoona,” when Jason and Grant were eating platters of chili dogs, and I found out about Altoona’s claim to Texas wieners for you? Harry’s was not a place in Altoona. It’s in Warwick, Rhode Island. I’m outraged.

MB: You weren’t outraged about the Wilmington Experiment.

TM: North Carolina didn’t involve lying about lunch.

MB: So what did they do, exactly?

TM: They were in Altoona. Jason and Grant supposedly were having an executive lunch and bitching vociferously about the Mishler Theater “disaster” and Brian losing “thousands of dollars of equipment.”

MB: I remember that.

TM: Well. They weren’t in Altoona at all. They were back in Rhode Island. The lunch was a total hoax. Think of all the heartbroken fans who have searched Altoona fruitlessly for Harry’s New York System Wieners so they could lunch where their idols had downed dogs.

MB: They had Texas wieners instead?

TM: They must have. I wonder if Pennsylvania Texas chili dogs are better than Rhode Island New York chili dogs? Probably. Rhode Island food is weird. Now, about that door.

MB: What about it? Actually, I have some questions. What is it about doors and ghosts? Do ghosts open doors to get attention, or do they just feel compelled to open doors? Do they only open doors for an audience? Did they know that camera was there? Or do they open doors any old time? What’s the deal? I want to know.

TM: I was going to say it all seemed a tad too convenient, if you know what I mean.

MB: I don’t.

TM: A double-doored closet? Come on.

MB: Too convenient for what? “Foul play?” Crap. You of anyone should be able to see the flaw in that. It’s too easy. Too obvious. Why? How? Who? What about the sound of the thumb latch being used an hour later that rendered Donna and Jason babbling idiots?

TM: Look here. In 1997 Norma Sutcliffe was claiming her house was sans spooks. “Nothing happening here,” she said.

MB: So now you think she’s gone to pretending it’s haunted when it isn’t? How is that logical? Maybe she had just moved in. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe she didn’t feel like telling the Providence Journal she had a haunted house, and she got over it later. A lot of people don’t tell strangers about their ghosts. Some think you might be asking for trouble doing that. Because you kind of are! Given the way most people feel about ghosts. I blame the Reformation, you know.

TM: I bet the Warrens weren’t Lutheran.

MB: Look. A clothes hanger “leaped from a closet.” Maybe the same closet.

TM: I like the bleeding orange. Cool stuff like that never really happens, damn it. Well, what is Ouija going to say about this episode? I don’t think I paid enough attention to vote.

MB: I don’t know. It didn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out, because of the door, but the Tanguay thing was so lame.

TM: Poor Tanguays.

MB: Indeed. Video games and electromagnetic-hypersensitivity – if that doesn’t sound like the bottom of the barrel being scraped.

TM: They haven’t blamed heavy metal music or swamp gas yet.

MB: That list is already getting too long, you know. We need another system.

TM: I have a brilliant idea. How about normal, above the normal, and below the normal?

MB: What’s normal?

TM: Boring but not scratch-your-eyes-out unbearable. No worse than watching paint dry. Above the normal is better than watching paint dry. Below the normal is bad enough to make you prefer watching paint dry.

MB: Okay, give this one an above the normal, but not too much! And now, I really am bored. I’ve had it. I don’t want to do the next damn episode.

TM: You want me to do it.

MB: I don’t want to do it at all. I want to do something else.

TM: How about Top Chef? Top Chef is on!

MB: No. I mean – another episode. An interesting episode.

TM: Oh. Well. Second season?

MB: I don’t care.

TM: Ah. I’d suggest the third season Manson murders one because I am so looking forward to seeing you get apopleptic about K-2 meters, but as it so happens, I just watched one that will make your hair curl.

MB: I like curly hair.

TM: Mmm. Well, this is the bad permanent kind of curl. The permanent that makes you shriek and throw things and consider shaving your head.

MB: But not boring?

TM: Nope. Not boring.

MB: Pft. Bring it on.

Next, Mme. Blahblatsky finds herself transported into the middle of the fourth season!

Above the Normal

May 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky recarps the seventh episode of the second season of the rehearsed reality show “Ghost Hunters. For some reason, the Talking Mongoose is sulking about Altoona and refuses to talk. I don’t know why.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television is the proud owner of all the dialogue quoted below, captured in print for the ages by moi, Mme. Blahblatsky. Apologies to the ages.

The narrator (whose name is Mike Rowe, by the way, as his stellar performances should not go uncredited) attempts to infect us all with his unbridled enthusiasm for the show.

Narrator: Last time, on Ghost Hunters, Brian walks away from Jason and Grant and his life at TAPS. And on this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is called in to help a terrified mom, but will Brian’s sudden departure and Steve’s promotion cause friction on the team? Then TAPS calls in an old friend to help investigate a creepy cabin. Jason and Donna have an eye-opening experience. But will Dustin be able to keep it together after an unexpected encounter?

We see Brian (sob) walking off into the twilight, a kid thrashing around in his bed, Kristyn and Steve having words, Donna having fits, and Dustin having fits. So! Promising!

Credits: Ack. Kristyn Gartland is back. So is Andy Andrews. And Dustin Pari now gets his own cool whirl-around-and-freeze “tech specialist” shot.

Jason and Grant are addressing Andy, Kristyn and Steve at headquarters, Warwick. They have a case in Springfield, Massachusetts. The family in jeopardy have a 6-year-old son.

Jason: “He’s getting yanked by the legs, uh – and the feet, poked in the feet. Now it’s actually escalated to the point where he’s getting poked in the head.”

Grant: “Supposedly Zach’s bed has started shaking violently a couple times. The mother can’t go down in the basement because she gets I guess ‘violently ill’ is the way it was described.”

Jason: “For all we know there could be carbon monoxide or anything, you never know.”

Steve offers to break out the carbon monoxide detectors, which must have been gathering dust somewhere down in the basement tech department. Andy looks drugged.

Grant: “So let’s go there. Let’s help this – uh – kid out, I mean, that’s what it all comes down to. It’s a small place. That’s why the team is so small. We invited Kristyn along because she had some paranormal experiences when her son was around, I imagine, the same age. For any insight, we can turn to her.”

Oh, yeah, Kristyn will be a big help. Just like she always is.

Jason: “Finally, Steve – he’s taken over the tech department. Movin’ on up.”

Kristyn, in a high-pitched fakey cheer: “Yayyyyyy. Good for you, buddy!”

I would gag, except I hate gagging.

(more…)

False Alarms

April 16, 2008

A “Ghost Hunters” recarp by Mme. Blahblatsky

The Talking Mongoose tells me this program is supposed to be viewed and judged as entertainment. I remember when I thought it was kind of entertaining. This episode, however…

The Talking Mongoose refuses to help out on this one, except for the rude Disclaimer, so I am on my own. And I’m still in a bad mood. Boredom makes me even crosser than stupidity does. Put the two together and my brain crashes. This is the fifth episode of the second season. Only seventeen to go, sob. And then the third season. And the fourth? I may not make it.

Disclaimer: You know. Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. blah blah blah. Own it, bozos. This is your stupefying product. Proud of yourselves? You’ve reduced Mme. B. to a pale shadow of her normal frolicsome self.

The Narrator, who probably cries himself to sleep every night: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, while Jason and Grant investigate an historic playhouse, Brian’s attention is somewhere else. His distraction affects the whole team, and forces some tough decisions. And then, TAPS investigates a haunted firehouse. Is Steve over his head as the TAPS tech manager? And what will Jason and Grant uncover at the old firehouse?”

There’s a closing shot of Steve, open-mouthed, which pretty much sums it all up.

(more…)

Equals Zero

March 11, 2008

I think I’m stuck in some sort of alternate dimension, where time passes so slowly it is almost imperceptible. This is the second half of the recarp of the the second episode of the second season of the quasi-reality show “Ghost Hunters.” Mme. Blahblatsky is off in “therapy,” watching her BtVS DVD’s and eating bonbons.

Same Disclaimer as before: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. gets all the credit. Which they so richly deserve.

What did the narrator say before?

“Then, Jason and Grant investigate a house with multiple hauntings. When the ghost hunters get close, a TAPS member gets attacked.”

Right. This was the part he was looking forward to, so maybe it will make up for Cody and the cow bones.

CASE # 2 DIRAIMO’S HOUSE

Saturday 3:20 PM

The TAPS flunkeys are sitting in chairs arranged classroom style, with Brian and Steve in the front row, and Donna, Paula and a strange woman in the back.

Grant: “Hey, have we got a case for you!” He claps his hands, either because he’s so excited, or he needs to wake them up.

Jason, in his red t.v. sweater: “Yeah, actually a nice local case right here in Rhode Island.”

That’s incredible! Our first Rhode Island ghost.

Grant tells them it’s interesting, but he has to say that to keep them from running home to clean the stove or something. A family with two daughter in their 20’s has been experiencing paranormal activity for over two decades. So there’s no rush.

(more…)

The Myrtles

March 2, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky here doing the recarp. The Talking Mongoose is still perking like an old coffee pot about the first season of the quasi-reality show Ghost Hunters,” and will join me later for a Ouija session. For now, I’m on my own with the first episode of the second season, and it’s just as well. The Myrtles holds a special place in my heart. If you’ve spent any time reading up on ghosts in America in the past several decades, you must have heard of the Myrtles.

I’m not such a fan of “Ghost Hunters” as I was before I started this blog a mere two months ago. Now it’s more like a sick fascination. I can’t stop watching and taking notes. It is such a watery stew of incoherent speech, inaction, and irresolution that occasional lumps of carrot give greater pleasure than they should.

Anyway, I was both delighted and appalled to realize TAPS had gone to the Myrtles. What havoc would they wreak with the Louisiana mansion of my imagination? Eh, well, it’s TAPS, so – not so much. They just managed to make it sort of dull.

Disclaimer: All the astoundingly stultifying dialogue I have kindly transcribed for no pecuniary consideration whatsoever belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

The narrator announces big doings at The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS gets a new headquarters, and new faces, but as TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind? And then Jason and Grant head deep into the bayous, but will they be ready for what awaits?

CREDITS – are same as last season, except – no twin demonologists! That is not a good omen. I already miss Carl and Keith. No Andy Andrews. And two new women – PAULA RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, and KRISTYN FIELD INVESTIGATOR. Nobody gets last names in the credits. I guess that would confuse us, because we aren’t very bright.

Opening shot of Warwick City Hall, and a street banner of Historic Apponaug Village. Warwick seems pretty interesting. Why don’t we ever get to hunt ghosts in Warwick?

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

It’s winter, because there are three-foot high snowbanks in front of a small one-story brick storefront. Two guys in hooded parkas are shuffling along the sidewalk. It’s Jason and Grant, who, with the success of the first season of Ghost Hunters and the complaints of the neighbors spurring them on, have moved The Atlantic Paranormal Society out of the mini-construction trailer parked on Jason’s front lawn.

Jason in voice-over: “My name is Jason Hawes and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. I’m the founder of TAPS, the Atlantic Paranormal Society. I started it back in 1990 after having my own paranormal experience. TAPS was also designed to help the people who believe they’re having a paranormal situation. We’re here to help out whoever needs us.”

Unless, of course, you’re seriously crazy, in which case you’d better hope your friends and relatives have your best interests at heart and don’t go inviting TAPS in to exploit your craziness.

Jason unlocks the front door of the new office space. Inside, there are dust covers over some furniture. They need to get organized. They’ve got to get it done because cases are waiting, impatiently. People all over the country are desperately waiting for TAPS to come and debunk their paranormal situations.

(more…)

Altoona

January 5, 2008

 

Recap (part one) of the first episode of the first season of the reality show Ghost Hunters.

Mme. Blahblatsky: I have always wanted to be able to reach into my books to shake people like Hans Holzer and shriek, “What about this? Why didn’t you do that? Do you really expect me to believe…” – This is great. Now I can.

The Talking Mongoose: This is just a blog. The only person who will hear you shriek is me. And maybe your sister.

MB: Eh. Well. Good enough.

DISCLAIMER:

All of the quoted content that follows belongs to the TAPS guys, and Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. We are using it solely for personal edutainment here.

 

We see a group of guys striding across a field all wearing gimme caps. Guys manhandle pipes, and a toilet.

Narrator: “Jason and Grant: their profession – plumbers; their passion – paranormal investigations.”

MB: I love that they’re plumbers.
TM: Because…?
MB: Plumbers are not the most imaginative of people.
TM: You’re profiling, and by job, which is totally illogical. And stupid.

MB: But it’s a good thing. I think it means they’re more credible.
TM: No. It doesn’t.

MB: Well, it does to me.

 

Jason: “I never believed in anything I couldn’t see, but when I witnessed something first-hand, it changed…”

 

(We see what looks like a crazed mannequin with a mustache.)

Jason: “the way I looked at things.”

Narrator: Watch as they flush out and plunge into the world of the supernatural…

TM: I hate that they’re plumbers, because it means we are going to be subjected to an unending flow of crappy plumbing jokes.

(Shot of horrified doll.)

Some guy: “What the hell was that, dude? Didja hear that?”

Narrator: confronting the unthinkable…”

Some other guy: “There is evidence of a hostile…”

Some guy 1: “It might turn violent.”

Narrator: debunking the irrefutable…”

Jason: “It could be anything. It could be a house settling, overactive imaginations, pipes banging in the walls…”

Grant: “We definitely know they have plumbing problems, whether they have ghosts or not.”

Narrator: “…if, that is, they can survive each other!

Jason (yammering at some guy): “And the stupidity factor – all you had to do was open your eyes and look up. There’s a whole bunch of buildings you can’t freakin’ miss ‘em by far.”

Grant: “Why don’t you show you have a sensitive side?”

Jason: “Why don’t you show you have a rugged side?”

Narrator: And all for the thrill…”

Grant: “Look at this place!”

Jason: “It must be haunted.”

Grant: “It’s haunted. Just like this car, and that parking meter.”

Narrator: of the hunt.”

Some woman: “Somebody’s here.”

There is an up-swell of a musical theme with much frenzied banging of drums and trilling keyboards.

MB: Doesn’t that sound like the music for Sightings to you?
TM: Kind of. Hey – idea! If you’d let me hook up your VCR we could play your tapes and see right now!
MB: No.

And now we’re into what will soon become familiar as the Opening Credits Sequence, which involves:

(Blowtorching of pipes, a Roto-rooter van, another van labeled TAPS)

LEAD INVESTIGATOR JASON – a bald guy looking grim.

LEAD INVESTIGATOR GRANT – a guy with a great WTF mouth twist.

(A barking Rottweiler, a Charles Addamsesque house)

CASE MANAGER BRIAN

INTERVIEWER DONNA

(A scary baby portrait, a stone crucifix)

DEMONOLOGISTS CARL & KEITH – identical middle-aged twin guys.

MB: Twins!!! Twin demonologists! How cool is that???
TM: It gives me the willies.

TECH SPECIALIST STEVE – a guy with one raised eyebrow

The title GHOST HUNTERS bobbing up and down next to ominous-looking stone building. The Theme Music winds up in a spiraling rush of drumming and twanging.

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