Posts Tagged ‘reality shows’

Fort Delusion

November 15, 2008

We love youtube.

Here’s some Halloween hilarity we missed.  Well, actually – we didn’t miss it at all.  Here it is!

Nice work, moviedan! Especially the grand finale.  We laughed and laughed.  Now Mme. Blahblatsky has a splitting headache.

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Holy Grail, Holy Crap

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

(more…)

Queen Mary Queries

October 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose grouse about the highly unsatisfactory TAPS “investigation” of the haunted Queen Mary, per Ghost Hunters episode 211, as recarped in For Sham! Part II.

MB: I’m still trying to understand how this happened. TAPS goes to a public hotel with 365 rooms on the upper decks of this gigantic ship. They set up an independent camera in the “haunted” room, not hooked up to any monitoring system, leave it running, leave the door unlocked…

TM: Heck, for all we know, they left the door open, and put a big sign outside saying “ghost hunt in progress – stop and say hi!”

MB: They leave the door – no – doors – multiple doors unlocked, leave the room totally untended, go off down into the bowels of the ship thousands of feet away to frolic for hours, and then pretend to get all distressed over the camera being messed with by “unknown” people. WHY? That’s what I want to know. I can actually understand why they would want to fake a door opening at the DeVille house and do a fake non-debunking. It was exciting! I bought it. You bought it. Countless  chumps all over bought it. But what good does it do them to fake fakery on the Queen Mary? That’s just whacky.

TM: No, it’s not. It’s perfectly logical. You pointed it out yourself. There they are, in what is supposedly one of the most haunted places in the world, and they leave with footage of fakery. What if the hoax had not occurred?

MB: Then they would have had – uh – FLIR footage of a hot water tank in the engine room, and…  a nice breakfast?

TM: The dreaded PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. Most Haunted had just spent three weeks – three weeks! – investigating the Queen Mary. Low-budget Ghost Hunters had one night, maybe two. They probably didn’t know what the Most Haunted crew got, which would have made them even more paranoid, although maybe Erika Frost told them?

MB: And what did Most Haunted get?

TM: Eh – wet footprints by the empty pool leaving salt deposits, i.e. saltwater.

MB: Cool!

TM: Yeah, I don’t know. I think it’s hooey.  Never mind that. My point is what is going on in the teeny-tiny pea brains of TAPS’ lead investigators? What are they going to do here to make an impression?

MB: It would have been mortifying for them to find no evidence.

TM: Can you see Jason and Grant swaggering off the Queen Mary and announcing it’s not haunted? After all the other investigations done there? You can’t do a drive-by debunking of the Queen Mary. They are nowhere near that sure of themselves. And one of the reasons they aren’t that sure of themselves is because they cheat. So even though they assume everyone else cheats because they cheat, it also makes them think that everyone else can figure out that they cheat, which is why they are so bloody paranoid about being exposed as cheaters. Which is more veranoia than paranoia, but…

MB: You’re going off on a tangent.

TM: I know. But I was on a roll, and it just hit me why they throw people out of their forums and why they dump inconvenient TAPS family members.

MB: So the guys who are trying to set themselves up as the big American ghost hunters of the 21st century can’t afford to hang around the Queen Mary waiting for “scientific” evidence, but they’re too embarrassed to leave without something. Therefore…

TM: Bait and switch. Pre-emptive strike. Smoke and mirrors. Divert the attention elsewhere. It doesn’t even matter what the initial intention was, because it worked either way. Let’s say Grant did it, not expecting anyone would figure it out.   Other than, of course, his partner in crime Jason, and at least someone at Pilgrim.

MB: Hoaxing on the Queen Mary must have been a cakewalk compared to hoaxing in the DeVille house.

TM: Then Dave Tango has to go and be all smart-ass, and while they may not have “undebunkable evidence” of a ghost in B-340, now they have Dave heroically rescuing them from being “tricked.”

MB: Don’t you know Steve hated that? And then everyone gets all depressed over being nearly done in by dastardly hoaxers, and it’s such a huge and  smelly red herring that nobody even notices that they didn’t find any ghosts on the Queen Mary, and they don’t have to make fools of themselves by finding nothing, because they did find something.

TM: And they don’t have to say the Queen Mary isn’t haunted, because they had personal experiences, but – so sad – didn’t catch anything on film, sorry. And everyone’s happy.

MB: That’s sick.

TM: Isn’t it great?

MB: No, it is not! I can’t believe anything anymore. What’s left? Anything from the second season on is suspect. What’s left? Race Rock Lighthouse?

TM: Uh, about that…

MB: No. I do not want to know.

TM: Yeah, but…

MB: NOT NOW. I need some time to get used to all this. You know, I didn’t start this blog to be a naysayer. I wanted to do recaps, not recarps.

TM: I know. Poor Mme. Your idols turned out to have feet of clay, only not even real clay, but that kind you make out of cheap white bread and Elmer’s glue, which the weevils then eat.

MB: Oh, shut up. The paranormal field always has and always will be full of fakery. That I thought these idiots were going to be any different is just indicative of my innate chumpiness. Gullible? I still believed in the Easter Bunny when I was nine.

TM: You still believe in the Easter Bunny.

MB: Oh, shut up.

TM: If it’s any consolation, I still think a ghost shoved Frank DiAngelis.

MB: That’s probably because you so want the New Bedford Armory to be haunted.

TM: Not at all. Really. Hey, you know what we could do? We could dowse for answers to all our questions.

MB: You mean I could dowse for answers to all our questions. You couldn’t find water unless you fell into a well.

TM: Just get out the old pendulum and let’s see what it thinks. It’s just as reliable as those TAPS knuckleheads blabbering about Science, Truth and Honesty all the time.

MB: Sigh. You’re not wrong.  Okay. Let’s go.  Pendulum, would you please answer the following?

TM:Who moved the bed covers in B-340 on the Queen Mary on the night of 26 July 2005?

Dave Tango: NO

Grant Wilson NO

Erika Frost: NO

Jason Hawes: YES

Steve Gonsalves: NO

Donna LaCroix: NO

Pilgrim crew: NO

Girls gone wild: NO

TM: Color me surprised! I wouldn’t think Jason would do it, because I think he likes deniability, but hey – the pendulum knows all!

MB: Eh. Next.

TM: Was it a conspiracy?

YES

TM: Is the Queen Mary haunted?

Big YES

MB: Well, this is stupid. Should we continue with this?

Big NO.

TM: Ask it if Sarah Palin is an alien-human hybrid with toxic green blood.

MB: Hunh. Pendulum says big YES.  I think it’s time to take the dogs for a walk.  I need some fresh air.

TM:  I need to go check out that stairwell behind the infamous moving chair.  I kind of like these conspiracies.

MB: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  LA LA LA LA LA.

TM:  You can’t keep your hands over your ears forever.

MBWHAT???  I CAN’T HEAR YOOOOOUU.

(Next on the Ouija Board –  the Talking Mongoose predicts Mme. Blahblatsky will have an apoplectic fit over some FLIR footage dear to her heart.)

For Sham! TAPS En Vacance II

October 3, 2008

Continuing on this merry California holiday in the second season of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads south from the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose to Long Beach, where they are going to do a definitive cursory investigation of the fabled ocean liner Queen Mary.  Somewhere Peter James raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.  R.I.P.

See disclaimer in En Vacance Part I.

Desert landscapes whisk past.

Jason: “During our drive through California, we got to see some of the great places. L.A. (he shrugs) – jeez, that’s bigger than Rhode Island is.”

TM:  Everything’s bigger than Rhode Island.

MB:  The Queen Mary is bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  The Winchester Mystery House is bigger than Rhode Island.

MB;  I have a dog bed that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  You have a cat that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

(more…)

For Sham! TAPS En Vacance

September 30, 2008

In which the Atlantic Paranormal Society pretends to investigate the Winchester Mystery House, and then, in a tour de force of – something, “debunks” faked “evidence” on the haunted Queen Mary.  Who faked the evidence?  The Talking Mongoose has some ideas.

Now that we chumps at the Ouija Board know to our dissatisfaction that those hucksters of hauntings, peddlers of the paranormal, drummers of duplicity, TAPS, are working both sides of the fence, we’re not going to subject ourselves to the agony of examining episodes like the Bradley Playhouse yawner in depth. Life is too damn short. Mme. Blahblatsky has dogs to walk, and the Talking Mongoose has become enamored of Gordon Ramsay and Sir Alan Sugar. Where we focus our gimlet eyes from now on will depend on pure whim. It’s not like we’re going to run out of episodes anytime soon, as they’re being run off the Pilgrim production line as fast as Krispy Kreme makes doughnuts.

So per Talking Mongoose request, we’re off to California. This is a transcripty recarp of episode 211, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, of the “reality show” in which “Ghost Hunters” pretend to hunt and/or debunk ghosts.

(more…)

First, You Make a Roux

September 4, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky is still in a stew about the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum episode. I, the Talking Mongoose, am trying to tend the shop in her absence. Fate has kindly bestowed upon me the fascinating Pam of the DeVille “Gumbo” episode (part of the TAPS invasion of Louisiana in the second season of Ghost Hunters, February 2005). Pam was a founder of the Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters group, whom we were supposed to believe had called up Grant Wilson and Jason Hawes, as a member of the TAPS “family,” asking for help regarding the haunted sugar plantation. Well, we’re not idiots, and we knew that wasn’t the way it happened, but we couldn’t figure out the real story until now, because Pam herself has given us the other side.

Go with us now into the roiling depths of the icky TAPS “family” as we get an exclusive interview with Pam Gates Hoyt. Remember that opening and closing door they couldn’t debunk? Oh, dear.

How did TAPS approach you with the idea behind the episode? What did they tell you up front? Did you know they were going to pretend you were asking for help? Did that annoy you?

I was contacted by someone with Pilgrim Productions through my website. I didn’t even know Taps was in town. I gave him my phone number and he called me. He said that they were in New Orleans and would be taping for a week. They had made arrangements to do an investigation of a private residence (they didn’t want to do just public places). I thought it hilarious that they had made arrangements for this residential investigation through one of those phony, money-grubbing fakes in town (she takes buses into cemeteries, dresses all in black and charges money for something tourist could do for free). She was a member of their “Family” and they had never even met her. So, her investigation [fell] through at the last minute and they were clambering to find an investigation at the last minute. I guess they started scanning the net and they came across Michelle and me. No, we did not know they were going to pretend we were asking for help. I would NEVER have asked them for help. And Hell Yeah, it annoyed me. I thought it made me look incapable and I have been involved with the paranormal a lot longer than they have. I started training as a medium from my Cajun Grandmother around three years old.

How did you happen to meet the DeVilles?

They contacted me through our website, referred to us by a friend who had a group in North Louisiana.

When had you first been involved in the DeVille house, and what was the status of your case when TAPS called?

I was originally contacted by Bruce DeVille’s younger brother a couple months prior to the taping. We went out and did an initial investigation. I asked the clients not to tell me anything about what was going on there (something I always did). Michelle did background investigation on the property; she knew more about it than me. After our initial investigation, we were in the process of scheduling a full investigation. We were gathering the proper equipment and making arrangements when TAPS came into the picture.

Had you seen the first season of Ghost Hunters previously? What did you think about TAPS before you actually met them?

Yes, I had seen the first season. Michelle and I did things alone for a long time before deciding to form a group. We used The Myrtles as our training ground. We thought that we wanted to use TAPS as a model for our group as far as having certain people in charge of certain things, such as Case Manager, Tech Manager, etc. And we were looking at the equipment they were using to decide what we liked and didn’t like. What did I think about TAPS? I thought Jason was a total Ass and swore I never would treat people that way.

Exactly how long did it take to do the filming?

Not long enough. We met them at their hotel on the West Bank that afternoon. I was immediately annoyed by the filming and refilming of stupid little things like greeting them, walking out of the hotel to go to the cars and even re-filmed leaving the hotel THREE times. I took an immediate dislike to the Director. He was snotty, condescending and controlling. Look, Cajuns have traditions, just like the Japanese, Chinese and other cultures and this guy was just insulting. I also thought it was extremely disrespectful to me, Michelle and our clients that they (TAPS members and crew) were all hung over from too much Bourbon Street the night before.

Who was in charge of the production? Who made decisions affecting content? You mentioned Kristyn Gartland didn’t really refuse to sit with Bruce. Whose hare-brained idea was that?

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

(more…)

“Ghost Hunters” 2005 Timeline

April 29, 2008

A Work in Progress

I have given up being obsessed with the fake timeline of this fake reality show, as it had a bad influence on Mme. Blahblatsky, who got a little overwrought about all the fake trips south this season. But it’s still intriguing to keep track of when TAPS really goes where. Source of dates is the time-stamps on camera footage.

January 29 Saturday Scovil-Bentley-Baker house, Grafton, MA (Episode 202)

February 12 Saturday Bradley Playhouse, Putnam, CT (Episode 205)

February 26 Saturday DeVille house, Labadieville, LA (Episode 203)

February 28 Monday Myrtles Plantation, St. Francisville, LA (Episode 201)

March 1 Tuesday Brennan’s Restaurant, New Orleans, LA (Episode 203)

March 11&12 Friday-Saturday U.S.S. North Carolina, Wilmington, NC (Episode 204)

March 13 Sunday Mordecai House, Raleigh, NC (Episode 204)

March 26 Saturday Harris Firehouse, Coventry, RI (Episode 205)

April 9 Saturday Tanguay House, Springfield, MA (Episode 207)

April 28 & 29 Thursday-Friday Ledge Lighthouse, New London, CT (Episode 206)

May 14 Saturday Merchant’s House Museum, New York City, NY (Episode 206)

June 1 Wednesday Sutcliffe House, Harrisville, RI (Episode 207)

July 22  Friday Winchester Mystery House, San Jose, California (Episode 211)

July 26  Tuesday Queen Mary, Long Beach, California (Episode 211)

S.S. TAPS

April 28, 2008

The Ouija Board assessment of “Ghost Hunters” episode 206 (Ledge Lighthouse and Merchant’s House Museum) – Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose rate the entertainment value of the ghost hunt recarped in Bright Light, Big City.

TM: So. Entertainment. Was there any?

MB: I liked Thaxter Tewksbury. And Jerry Olsen’s throat-clearing ghost.

TM: I liked Pi Gardner baring her teeth at Jason when he tried to shake the stove.

TM: We’re sick of TAPS, aren’t we?

MB: I think I’ve lost the will to transcribe with Brian gone.

TM: Aw.

MB: No, really. Whenever I found myself cackling madly over a scene, Brian was usually in it. The others just make me groan.

TM: But Brian was sinking the ship. The S.S. TAPS was foundering on the rocks and about to go down!

(more…)

Big City

April 27, 2008

Continuing the recarp of the sixth episode of the second season of the faux-reality show “Ghost Hunters,” Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose finish off Bright Light.

Disclaimer: The dull and stilted conversations Mme. Blahblatsky has laboriously typed out belong to Pilgrim Films and Television Inc.

The narrator promised us a TAPS throw-down and a startling development on the Brian front. So we’re still waiting, but we’re not holding our breaths.

TM: I am. I want to see hair-pulling.

CASE #2 MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM

Saturday 2:13 PM

Another schoolroom grouping has been assembled at TAPS headquarters. Steve and Dustin in the front-row chairs, and Paula and Andy perched on stools behind them, eagerly await the arrival of their overlords. Jason sweeps in first, distributing “what’s up”’s, followed by Grant. It’s Grant’s day to wear red – a sweater today.

MB: I hate red clothing.

TM: I’ve noticed. You might want to try to get over it.

Jason: “We’ve got a really interesting case. It’s one of the oldest brownstones in New York City.”

Grant: ‘It’s been unchanged for what – like 170 years?”

Jason: “Yes, it’s a museum. It’s still the original furniture, everything else in the house.”

Grant: “I guess what they’re experiencing there are noises, stove shaking.”

Jason: “Piano playing by itself. Let’s get the van packed up and get out of here, guys. We got a good trip ahead of us.”

The black vehicle caravan lumbers out of Warwick.

TM: If it were black camels, this would be so much more fun.

MB: Also, more eco-friendly. Black camels, like the ones that come for dead Shriners?

TM: Ooh, yeah. I’d forgotten that. Jason would look good in a fez.

Jason: New York is a different kind of city. I was born in upstate New York, so…”

Grant: “It’s a different world.”

Jason: “Eh, yeah, the city – it’s a whole different world.”

TM: Did you know that?

MB: I’d heard something.

(more…)