Posts Tagged ‘moving lamp’

A Second Helping of Gumbo

September 6, 2008

After rewatching the DeVille house episode (203) of Ghost Hunters, in light of Pam Gates Hoyt’s recent revelations, Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose are both feeling pret-ty silly about being taken in by that door. They don’t like being so thoroughly hoodwinked. They need to vent.

TM: So.

MB: Pft. Charlatans! Mountebanks! TAPS enters the long roll of paranormal frauds in my book. I’m peeved. I am officially disgruntled.

TM: Well, at least it got you out of the tomato patch. Those bloody wankers. You get the tar. I’ll fetch the feathers.

MB: You were right. Way back when, you were right.

TM: To be fair, I thought the door was real, too. We wanted to believe.

MB: No, I mean when you said if they lied about the little stuff, why should we believe them about the big stuff? Nothing they say is credible. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

TM: “And the self-righteous shall be laid low and trampled by ducks.”

MB: Huh?

TM: A quote seemed called for, so I made one up. In honor of TAPS. So I told you what Pam said about them filming the attempted door-debunking back in Rhode Island. Did you notice they didn’t even bother to try to get the door swing right when they filmed the fake door?

MB: Idiots.

TM: And there’s a wall right next to the door at a right angle, and there’s a dropped ceiling in the interior room.

MB: We’re idiots. We are idiots. No wonder we never saw Bruce with them as they “examined” the door. They never examined the door, because they didn’t need to, because they faked the whole thing.

TM: Where’s old Bruce in all this? He reacted in just the way they wanted him to.

MB: Oh my god – it was so easy for them to dupe him, because he lives in a goddamn haunted house. That is positively diabolical. The ghost hunters duping the homeowners, in order to spice up their “reality” television show. No wonder Jason and Grant are so suspicious of other people’s claims, because they’re both incorrigible liars, themselves.

TM: I thought we liked the word “fabulist.”

MB: Great big creepy fabulists. Or maybe vile little creepy fabulists.

TM: Flaming-pants fabulists. So while they were filming the door opening and closing, Jason DeVille was being kept outside, Bruce was being kept in the living room, and Pam and Michelle were being herded around by various TAPS people. It must have been a breeze. I mean easy-peasy, not a breeze. I assume some form of string was involved. Did you notice how the door bounced kind of oddly as it reached the end of its swing? I’m guessing someone out of line of the light coming under the door leaned over and opened the door knob, pushed it slightly, let it open a bit, and pulled it back with string attached to the door knob.

MB: Jesus H. Christ. We’re idiots.

TM: If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t found anything on the internets to indicate anyone else noticed either.

MB: It does not make me feel better.

TM: Oh, well. Yeah. We’re idiots. If I hadn’t been salivating over Texas hot wieners in Altoona, I might have noticed they were doing funny editing right from the start. Sidetracked by sausage. LORD GOD ALMIGHTY – GUESS WHO MOVED THE BED COVERS ON THE QUEEN MARY???

MB: What? Who? When? Stop shouting.

TM: Third season! We must go there next, Mme!!! They did it themselves!!!!!!! It’s too perfect – it works if it isn’t discovered, and it works if it is. I don’t know if Dave Tango was a patsy or in on it from the start, but it is sublimely perverse. Grant got to be all outraged that someone was playing a trick on them, when they did it themselves!!! I’m actually starting to feel a teeny-tiny bit of respect for the sheer brazen effrontery of it all.

MB: Wait, wait, wait. God knows, there’s going to be plenty of time for rethinking everything we thought we knew. Let’s stick to the case at hand. So Kristyn Gartland is revealed to be an aspiring actress rather than a total disgrace to female ghost hunters everywhere.

TM: I wonder if she thought of stroking her neck in that scene with Grant herself. Because – actressy foreshadowing!

MB: And Pam says the lamp that Paula got the minus-9 temperature reading was unplugged.

TM: I never understood how Pam picked up a cold spot first before Paula “proved” it was interference from the halogen lamp, plugged or unplugged.

MB: And the great ghost hunt shut down at ten o’clock to avoid film crew overtime. Where else do you suppose this has happened? Why did they even bother to go? What’s the point?

TM: My dear, I know you say you are officially disgruntled, but you have to start realizing the “ghost hunters” of TAPS are not hunting ghosts. Maybe they once were, but they stopped long ago.

MB: The Myrtles slave shack did look in awfully good condition, come to think of it.

TM: I guess all the controversy about the moving lamp there was more than justifiable. It was that weasel Grant.

MB: And, too bad, the scary shadow on the porch was just…

TM: Grant. I’m for blaming it all on the weasel. I told you he was bad.

MB: He’s no worse than Jason, though.

TM: Eh – Leopold/Loeb. Bush/Cheney. What’s the difference?

MB: Harry Price never would have survived the internets.

TM: Surely you’re not comparing the diabolical duo to Harry Price?

MB: Well, no. Grant is no Marianne Foyster. He’s cheesier. And the diabolical duo is surviving the internets nicely, isn’t it?

TM: Yes, but when future generations dig up our documents, which I am saving printed on acid-free paper sealed in a water-tight, fireproof steel box in a bomb-proof metal vault in a secret location, their goose will be cooked.

MB: Something to look forward to, then.

TM: Yes!

MB: At least they ate the gumbo.

TM: There’s that. Although if anyone ever deserved to have a pot of hot gumbo poured over them…

MB: A waste of good gumbo.

TM: Vraiment vrai. Alors, maybe you will think about a return to work now? A plethora of paranormal travesties awaits.

MB: And I still need to find Steve saying “supposably.”

TM: There you go.

MB: But there’s that tomato chutney I need to make…

TM: Oh, first things first. Anyway, I think I have go rewrite all the dang nutshell recarps. Cripes. A pox upon you, Hans and Franz.

Regular Ouija Board transmissions will resume anon. We have Mme. B.’s word.

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Moss from the Myrtles

March 6, 2008

A Ouija Board regarding the first episode of the second season of “Ghost Hunters,” the show that purports to bring us into the thrilling world of paranormal investigations.

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose try to argue the finer points of whether the Myrtles Plantation show was good television or not. They fail.

TM: Oof.

MB: Yeah.

TM: You want to talk about those ghosts dashing across the thermal imaging camera?

MB: Eh. Who cares?

TM: So. How about the new office, huh? Although I had gotten rather fond of that trailer.

MB: It’s not that I don’t know full well that the subject of ghosts is inherently boring once you get past the superficial strangeness. But does this have to be made so painfully obvious on these shows? I mean – why not throw us scraps like the silly back stories of Chloe and her severed ear instead of making us listen to Grant and Jason jaw about how Brian is going to screw up next? What have we ever done to them that we have to watch the van get work benches installed? I liked being able to see the Myrtles at last, but did they have to make it so goddamn dull?

TM: There are people out there who get all exercised over the fact that they think Grant faked the moving lamp, you know.

MB: Pft. TAPS and Pilgrim even made that boring. A lamp moved for over four minutes on camera and they made it look like nothing. If you’re going to create a hoax, you should at least have the decency to throw in some drama.

TM: Yeah, well – I told you this whole thing was a bad idea. But now we can’t stop watching because we’re invested in finding out how awful it can get.

MB: Awesomely awful.

TM: Yeah.

MB: Well, that’s something.

TM: There’s always something. Like “me and Grant.”

MB: “Me and Grant” are always good for some ghastly dumb thing.

TM: You want me to do the next episode?

MB: Please.

 

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Ouija Board rating: NON and NON

 

 

Favorite Bits

Mme Blahblatsky:

Line: “I’ve given you more than enough lean way.” (Jason, to Brian)

Moment: The shadow on the porch. Ghost or not.

The Talking Mongoose:

Line: “As TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind?” (the narrator)

Moment: Steve getting mad at Brian for looking at laundry steam with the thermal imaging camera.

The Myrtles

March 2, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky here doing the recarp. The Talking Mongoose is still perking like an old coffee pot about the first season of the quasi-reality show Ghost Hunters,” and will join me later for a Ouija session. For now, I’m on my own with the first episode of the second season, and it’s just as well. The Myrtles holds a special place in my heart. If you’ve spent any time reading up on ghosts in America in the past several decades, you must have heard of the Myrtles.

I’m not such a fan of “Ghost Hunters” as I was before I started this blog a mere two months ago. Now it’s more like a sick fascination. I can’t stop watching and taking notes. It is such a watery stew of incoherent speech, inaction, and irresolution that occasional lumps of carrot give greater pleasure than they should.

Anyway, I was both delighted and appalled to realize TAPS had gone to the Myrtles. What havoc would they wreak with the Louisiana mansion of my imagination? Eh, well, it’s TAPS, so – not so much. They just managed to make it sort of dull.

Disclaimer: All the astoundingly stultifying dialogue I have kindly transcribed for no pecuniary consideration whatsoever belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

The narrator announces big doings at The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS gets a new headquarters, and new faces, but as TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind? And then Jason and Grant head deep into the bayous, but will they be ready for what awaits?

CREDITS – are same as last season, except – no twin demonologists! That is not a good omen. I already miss Carl and Keith. No Andy Andrews. And two new women – PAULA RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, and KRISTYN FIELD INVESTIGATOR. Nobody gets last names in the credits. I guess that would confuse us, because we aren’t very bright.

Opening shot of Warwick City Hall, and a street banner of Historic Apponaug Village. Warwick seems pretty interesting. Why don’t we ever get to hunt ghosts in Warwick?

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

It’s winter, because there are three-foot high snowbanks in front of a small one-story brick storefront. Two guys in hooded parkas are shuffling along the sidewalk. It’s Jason and Grant, who, with the success of the first season of Ghost Hunters and the complaints of the neighbors spurring them on, have moved The Atlantic Paranormal Society out of the mini-construction trailer parked on Jason’s front lawn.

Jason in voice-over: “My name is Jason Hawes and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. I’m the founder of TAPS, the Atlantic Paranormal Society. I started it back in 1990 after having my own paranormal experience. TAPS was also designed to help the people who believe they’re having a paranormal situation. We’re here to help out whoever needs us.”

Unless, of course, you’re seriously crazy, in which case you’d better hope your friends and relatives have your best interests at heart and don’t go inviting TAPS in to exploit your craziness.

Jason unlocks the front door of the new office space. Inside, there are dust covers over some furniture. They need to get organized. They’ve got to get it done because cases are waiting, impatiently. People all over the country are desperately waiting for TAPS to come and debunk their paranormal situations.

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