Posts Tagged ‘Kristyn Gartland’

Fort Delusion

November 15, 2008

We love youtube.

Here’s some Halloween hilarity we missed.  Well, actually – we didn’t miss it at all.  Here it is!

Nice work, moviedan! Especially the grand finale.  We laughed and laughed.  Now Mme. Blahblatsky has a splitting headache.

A Second Helping of Gumbo

September 6, 2008

After rewatching the DeVille house episode (203) of Ghost Hunters, in light of Pam Gates Hoyt’s recent revelations, Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose are both feeling pret-ty silly about being taken in by that door. They don’t like being so thoroughly hoodwinked. They need to vent.

TM: So.

MB: Pft. Charlatans! Mountebanks! TAPS enters the long roll of paranormal frauds in my book. I’m peeved. I am officially disgruntled.

TM: Well, at least it got you out of the tomato patch. Those bloody wankers. You get the tar. I’ll fetch the feathers.

MB: You were right. Way back when, you were right.

TM: To be fair, I thought the door was real, too. We wanted to believe.

MB: No, I mean when you said if they lied about the little stuff, why should we believe them about the big stuff? Nothing they say is credible. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

TM: “And the self-righteous shall be laid low and trampled by ducks.”

MB: Huh?

TM: A quote seemed called for, so I made one up. In honor of TAPS. So I told you what Pam said about them filming the attempted door-debunking back in Rhode Island. Did you notice they didn’t even bother to try to get the door swing right when they filmed the fake door?

MB: Idiots.

TM: And there’s a wall right next to the door at a right angle, and there’s a dropped ceiling in the interior room.

MB: We’re idiots. We are idiots. No wonder we never saw Bruce with them as they “examined” the door. They never examined the door, because they didn’t need to, because they faked the whole thing.

TM: Where’s old Bruce in all this? He reacted in just the way they wanted him to.

MB: Oh my god – it was so easy for them to dupe him, because he lives in a goddamn haunted house. That is positively diabolical. The ghost hunters duping the homeowners, in order to spice up their “reality” television show. No wonder Jason and Grant are so suspicious of other people’s claims, because they’re both incorrigible liars, themselves.

TM: I thought we liked the word “fabulist.”

MB: Great big creepy fabulists. Or maybe vile little creepy fabulists.

TM: Flaming-pants fabulists. So while they were filming the door opening and closing, Jason DeVille was being kept outside, Bruce was being kept in the living room, and Pam and Michelle were being herded around by various TAPS people. It must have been a breeze. I mean easy-peasy, not a breeze. I assume some form of string was involved. Did you notice how the door bounced kind of oddly as it reached the end of its swing? I’m guessing someone out of line of the light coming under the door leaned over and opened the door knob, pushed it slightly, let it open a bit, and pulled it back with string attached to the door knob.

MB: Jesus H. Christ. We’re idiots.

TM: If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t found anything on the internets to indicate anyone else noticed either.

MB: It does not make me feel better.

TM: Oh, well. Yeah. We’re idiots. If I hadn’t been salivating over Texas hot wieners in Altoona, I might have noticed they were doing funny editing right from the start. Sidetracked by sausage. LORD GOD ALMIGHTY – GUESS WHO MOVED THE BED COVERS ON THE QUEEN MARY???

MB: What? Who? When? Stop shouting.

TM: Third season! We must go there next, Mme!!! They did it themselves!!!!!!! It’s too perfect – it works if it isn’t discovered, and it works if it is. I don’t know if Dave Tango was a patsy or in on it from the start, but it is sublimely perverse. Grant got to be all outraged that someone was playing a trick on them, when they did it themselves!!! I’m actually starting to feel a teeny-tiny bit of respect for the sheer brazen effrontery of it all.

MB: Wait, wait, wait. God knows, there’s going to be plenty of time for rethinking everything we thought we knew. Let’s stick to the case at hand. So Kristyn Gartland is revealed to be an aspiring actress rather than a total disgrace to female ghost hunters everywhere.

TM: I wonder if she thought of stroking her neck in that scene with Grant herself. Because – actressy foreshadowing!

MB: And Pam says the lamp that Paula got the minus-9 temperature reading was unplugged.

TM: I never understood how Pam picked up a cold spot first before Paula “proved” it was interference from the halogen lamp, plugged or unplugged.

MB: And the great ghost hunt shut down at ten o’clock to avoid film crew overtime. Where else do you suppose this has happened? Why did they even bother to go? What’s the point?

TM: My dear, I know you say you are officially disgruntled, but you have to start realizing the “ghost hunters” of TAPS are not hunting ghosts. Maybe they once were, but they stopped long ago.

MB: The Myrtles slave shack did look in awfully good condition, come to think of it.

TM: I guess all the controversy about the moving lamp there was more than justifiable. It was that weasel Grant.

MB: And, too bad, the scary shadow on the porch was just…

TM: Grant. I’m for blaming it all on the weasel. I told you he was bad.

MB: He’s no worse than Jason, though.

TM: Eh – Leopold/Loeb. Bush/Cheney. What’s the difference?

MB: Harry Price never would have survived the internets.

TM: Surely you’re not comparing the diabolical duo to Harry Price?

MB: Well, no. Grant is no Marianne Foyster. He’s cheesier. And the diabolical duo is surviving the internets nicely, isn’t it?

TM: Yes, but when future generations dig up our documents, which I am saving printed on acid-free paper sealed in a water-tight, fireproof steel box in a bomb-proof metal vault in a secret location, their goose will be cooked.

MB: Something to look forward to, then.

TM: Yes!

MB: At least they ate the gumbo.

TM: There’s that. Although if anyone ever deserved to have a pot of hot gumbo poured over them…

MB: A waste of good gumbo.

TM: Vraiment vrai. Alors, maybe you will think about a return to work now? A plethora of paranormal travesties awaits.

MB: And I still need to find Steve saying “supposably.”

TM: There you go.

MB: But there’s that tomato chutney I need to make…

TM: Oh, first things first. Anyway, I think I have go rewrite all the dang nutshell recarps. Cripes. A pox upon you, Hans and Franz.

Regular Ouija Board transmissions will resume anon. We have Mme. B.’s word.

First, You Make a Roux

September 4, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky is still in a stew about the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum episode. I, the Talking Mongoose, am trying to tend the shop in her absence. Fate has kindly bestowed upon me the fascinating Pam of the DeVille “Gumbo” episode (part of the TAPS invasion of Louisiana in the second season of Ghost Hunters, February 2005). Pam was a founder of the Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters group, whom we were supposed to believe had called up Grant Wilson and Jason Hawes, as a member of the TAPS “family,” asking for help regarding the haunted sugar plantation. Well, we’re not idiots, and we knew that wasn’t the way it happened, but we couldn’t figure out the real story until now, because Pam herself has given us the other side.

Go with us now into the roiling depths of the icky TAPS “family” as we get an exclusive interview with Pam Gates Hoyt. Remember that opening and closing door they couldn’t debunk? Oh, dear.

How did TAPS approach you with the idea behind the episode? What did they tell you up front? Did you know they were going to pretend you were asking for help? Did that annoy you?

I was contacted by someone with Pilgrim Productions through my website. I didn’t even know Taps was in town. I gave him my phone number and he called me. He said that they were in New Orleans and would be taping for a week. They had made arrangements to do an investigation of a private residence (they didn’t want to do just public places). I thought it hilarious that they had made arrangements for this residential investigation through one of those phony, money-grubbing fakes in town (she takes buses into cemeteries, dresses all in black and charges money for something tourist could do for free). She was a member of their “Family” and they had never even met her. So, her investigation [fell] through at the last minute and they were clambering to find an investigation at the last minute. I guess they started scanning the net and they came across Michelle and me. No, we did not know they were going to pretend we were asking for help. I would NEVER have asked them for help. And Hell Yeah, it annoyed me. I thought it made me look incapable and I have been involved with the paranormal a lot longer than they have. I started training as a medium from my Cajun Grandmother around three years old.

How did you happen to meet the DeVilles?

They contacted me through our website, referred to us by a friend who had a group in North Louisiana.

When had you first been involved in the DeVille house, and what was the status of your case when TAPS called?

I was originally contacted by Bruce DeVille’s younger brother a couple months prior to the taping. We went out and did an initial investigation. I asked the clients not to tell me anything about what was going on there (something I always did). Michelle did background investigation on the property; she knew more about it than me. After our initial investigation, we were in the process of scheduling a full investigation. We were gathering the proper equipment and making arrangements when TAPS came into the picture.

Had you seen the first season of Ghost Hunters previously? What did you think about TAPS before you actually met them?

Yes, I had seen the first season. Michelle and I did things alone for a long time before deciding to form a group. We used The Myrtles as our training ground. We thought that we wanted to use TAPS as a model for our group as far as having certain people in charge of certain things, such as Case Manager, Tech Manager, etc. And we were looking at the equipment they were using to decide what we liked and didn’t like. What did I think about TAPS? I thought Jason was a total Ass and swore I never would treat people that way.

Exactly how long did it take to do the filming?

Not long enough. We met them at their hotel on the West Bank that afternoon. I was immediately annoyed by the filming and refilming of stupid little things like greeting them, walking out of the hotel to go to the cars and even re-filmed leaving the hotel THREE times. I took an immediate dislike to the Director. He was snotty, condescending and controlling. Look, Cajuns have traditions, just like the Japanese, Chinese and other cultures and this guy was just insulting. I also thought it was extremely disrespectful to me, Michelle and our clients that they (TAPS members and crew) were all hung over from too much Bourbon Street the night before.

Who was in charge of the production? Who made decisions affecting content? You mentioned Kristyn Gartland didn’t really refuse to sit with Bruce. Whose hare-brained idea was that?

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act III

May 29, 2008

Previously, we went on an exciting investigation with “Ghost Hunters” at the former Weston State Hospital, now renamed the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum by its charming owner, asbestos heiress and mud bog racing enthusiast Rebecca Jordan, who is also, by some incredible coincidence, a lunatic. During the night, wild and crazy things happened. Strange voices were heard, mysterious footsteps were chased, orbs and shadows darted about, Jason and Grant saw a backwards-jetting apparition, and none of this was visible or audible to us. So – not completely convincing, but lively. Also, four out of seven TAPS members qualified for NAMI rehab boot camp.

Disclaimer: The quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who should be looking over their shoulders for the imminent arrival of the NAMI goon squad after these loathsome production and editing choices, and also for the wheels of karma, which can pack a really good wallop.

Now’s the time for all that vaunted TAPS scientifical methodology to show us why they are so much better than all those other paranormal groups “out there.” Because it’s evidence analysis time.

THE ANALYSIS

WESTON, WEST VIRGINIA

TRANS-ALLEGHENY LUNATIC ASYLUM

MONDAY 10:25 AM

TAPS is staying at some hideous “post-modern” chain hotel which evidently didn’t give them a good enough rate to warrant having their name prominently displayed.

Steve, Dave and Joe and their equipment are spread out at a large table in a function room, instead of being jammed around a desk in a guest room.

MB: Which makes that signless shot of the hotel more perplexing.

TM: Don’t you know, they wanted everything comped, including an all-you-can-eat breakfast, and didn’t get it. Payback, bitches!

Steve interviews: “Today, Tango and I have Joe Chin with us and I’m gonna offer him some training and try to get him up to speed on how to review the evidence. We’re gonna start him off light on audio.”

TM: Heh – start him off light with audio.

MB: Watching videos of nothing is hard.

Steve in scene: “Now, Joe – uh – when you’re listening to the audio you wanna get yourself used to all the noises you’re hearing, you wanna get yourself used to what investigators are in the room. An – anything you can ever think of that you hear that doesn’t sound like it fits, make note of it. Okay?”

Joe has been nodding: “Okay.” Yeah, this is really complicated, but Joe is strong, and shows no sign of breaking under the pressure.

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act II

May 25, 2008

Previously, in the Mme. Blabhblatsky/Talking Mongoose recarp of Episode 409 Haunted Asylum of “Ghost Hunters,” we tried to adjust to radical changes at TAPS after traveling forward in time a jolting three years. Our favorite nerds were gone. Jason had strange facial hair. An “actress” was “acting” on this “reality” show. And in this episode, TAPS were hitting a new low as they joined forces with asbestos princess and velociraptor Rebecca Jordan, owner of the recently re-christened Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum and Mud Bog Racing Ground in Weston, West Virginia. Ms. Jordan gleefully told us of lobotomies and other zany bits of her new toy’s history. Grant Wilson had a good laugh over “date night.” Dave Tango pretended to hang himself. Everybody was having a really good time at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, and they like saying that name a lot. Because lunatics are so – entertaining!

Speaking of lunatics, disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. And again, ew.

The investigation begins.

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

(more…)

Above the Normal

May 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky recarps the seventh episode of the second season of the rehearsed reality show “Ghost Hunters. For some reason, the Talking Mongoose is sulking about Altoona and refuses to talk. I don’t know why.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television is the proud owner of all the dialogue quoted below, captured in print for the ages by moi, Mme. Blahblatsky. Apologies to the ages.

The narrator (whose name is Mike Rowe, by the way, as his stellar performances should not go uncredited) attempts to infect us all with his unbridled enthusiasm for the show.

Narrator: Last time, on Ghost Hunters, Brian walks away from Jason and Grant and his life at TAPS. And on this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is called in to help a terrified mom, but will Brian’s sudden departure and Steve’s promotion cause friction on the team? Then TAPS calls in an old friend to help investigate a creepy cabin. Jason and Donna have an eye-opening experience. But will Dustin be able to keep it together after an unexpected encounter?

We see Brian (sob) walking off into the twilight, a kid thrashing around in his bed, Kristyn and Steve having words, Donna having fits, and Dustin having fits. So! Promising!

Credits: Ack. Kristyn Gartland is back. So is Andy Andrews. And Dustin Pari now gets his own cool whirl-around-and-freeze “tech specialist” shot.

Jason and Grant are addressing Andy, Kristyn and Steve at headquarters, Warwick. They have a case in Springfield, Massachusetts. The family in jeopardy have a 6-year-old son.

Jason: “He’s getting yanked by the legs, uh – and the feet, poked in the feet. Now it’s actually escalated to the point where he’s getting poked in the head.”

Grant: “Supposedly Zach’s bed has started shaking violently a couple times. The mother can’t go down in the basement because she gets I guess ‘violently ill’ is the way it was described.”

Jason: “For all we know there could be carbon monoxide or anything, you never know.”

Steve offers to break out the carbon monoxide detectors, which must have been gathering dust somewhere down in the basement tech department. Andy looks drugged.

Grant: “So let’s go there. Let’s help this – uh – kid out, I mean, that’s what it all comes down to. It’s a small place. That’s why the team is so small. We invited Kristyn along because she had some paranormal experiences when her son was around, I imagine, the same age. For any insight, we can turn to her.”

Oh, yeah, Kristyn will be a big help. Just like she always is.

Jason: “Finally, Steve – he’s taken over the tech department. Movin’ on up.”

Kristyn, in a high-pitched fakey cheer: “Yayyyyyy. Good for you, buddy!”

I would gag, except I hate gagging.

(more…)

Lagniappe

March 27, 2008

Mme Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose discuss their reactions to Episode 203 – “The Red Room” (Gumbo and Bananas Foster) of “Ghost Hunters,” in which a door opens and closes by itself in the Labadieville, Louisiana DeVille house and poor Jason fails to debunk it, and TAPS dines and whines and New Orleans’ haunted Brennan’s Restaurant.

TM: Speaking of the Ouija Board being a portal to hell…

MB: It could have been worse.

TM: Anything is possible.

MB: So tell me again how they ended up in Louisiana.

(more…)

The Myrtles

March 2, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky here doing the recarp. The Talking Mongoose is still perking like an old coffee pot about the first season of the quasi-reality show Ghost Hunters,” and will join me later for a Ouija session. For now, I’m on my own with the first episode of the second season, and it’s just as well. The Myrtles holds a special place in my heart. If you’ve spent any time reading up on ghosts in America in the past several decades, you must have heard of the Myrtles.

I’m not such a fan of “Ghost Hunters” as I was before I started this blog a mere two months ago. Now it’s more like a sick fascination. I can’t stop watching and taking notes. It is such a watery stew of incoherent speech, inaction, and irresolution that occasional lumps of carrot give greater pleasure than they should.

Anyway, I was both delighted and appalled to realize TAPS had gone to the Myrtles. What havoc would they wreak with the Louisiana mansion of my imagination? Eh, well, it’s TAPS, so – not so much. They just managed to make it sort of dull.

Disclaimer: All the astoundingly stultifying dialogue I have kindly transcribed for no pecuniary consideration whatsoever belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

The narrator announces big doings at The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS gets a new headquarters, and new faces, but as TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind? And then Jason and Grant head deep into the bayous, but will they be ready for what awaits?

CREDITS – are same as last season, except – no twin demonologists! That is not a good omen. I already miss Carl and Keith. No Andy Andrews. And two new women – PAULA RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, and KRISTYN FIELD INVESTIGATOR. Nobody gets last names in the credits. I guess that would confuse us, because we aren’t very bright.

Opening shot of Warwick City Hall, and a street banner of Historic Apponaug Village. Warwick seems pretty interesting. Why don’t we ever get to hunt ghosts in Warwick?

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

It’s winter, because there are three-foot high snowbanks in front of a small one-story brick storefront. Two guys in hooded parkas are shuffling along the sidewalk. It’s Jason and Grant, who, with the success of the first season of Ghost Hunters and the complaints of the neighbors spurring them on, have moved The Atlantic Paranormal Society out of the mini-construction trailer parked on Jason’s front lawn.

Jason in voice-over: “My name is Jason Hawes and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. I’m the founder of TAPS, the Atlantic Paranormal Society. I started it back in 1990 after having my own paranormal experience. TAPS was also designed to help the people who believe they’re having a paranormal situation. We’re here to help out whoever needs us.”

Unless, of course, you’re seriously crazy, in which case you’d better hope your friends and relatives have your best interests at heart and don’t go inviting TAPS in to exploit your craziness.

Jason unlocks the front door of the new office space. Inside, there are dust covers over some furniture. They need to get organized. They’ve got to get it done because cases are waiting, impatiently. People all over the country are desperately waiting for TAPS to come and debunk their paranormal situations.

(more…)