Posts Tagged ‘Dustin Pari’

TAPS Goes Abroad: The Dusting of Dustin

March 19, 2010

leap castle

The luck of the Irish ran out in 2006 with an invasion from the west, in the form of our fake plumbers from Warwick. Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp Ghost Hunters episode 306, The Attack of the Irish Elemental. Whether the TAPS guys actually know what an elemental is, we honestly can’t tell you.

Talking Mongoose Spoiler: this is a Landmark Episode not because it marks the start of the scary amoeba-like splitting of this bizarre franchise, but because they have given up on the stationary camera, the one thing that was supposed to provide “proof” of the existence of ghosts. This is terribly disappointing.

MB: You’re not disappointed at all.

TM: Nope.

Disclaimer: All dialogue quoted belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who are still, three seasons on, too embarrassed to send it out for captioning so Mme. Blahblatsky is still exposing herself to severe brain damage doing the transcribing. It is a good thing she is amused by very little.

MB: You know there’s no way I’d be doing this otherwise, don’t you?

TM: I do.

MB: Because really, this is an insane thing to do.

TM:  It’s a good thing you have all  your shots.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to Ireland for their first overseas investigation at Leap Castle

Brian, in car, is shouting “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?

Narrator: “reportedly one of the most haunted places in the world.”

Jason is saying something about a murderous elemental and Tango seems to be about to jump out of his skin.

Narrator: “As the team come face to face with the demonic entity that lurks on these grounds.”

Brian is either trying to trap something, or avoid it, by closing a door.

Narrator: “Then, who becomes the target of a vicious attack?

There are cries of “Oof!” and “Aw!” and “Dude!”

TM: I’m guessing it’s one of the Three Stooges.

The old credits roll: Steve, Donna, Brian, Dustin. Dave Tango is still an investigator-in-training. TAPS must have incorporated as a medieval guild.

TM: That’s got to be unconstitutional.

MB: I think they’re still making him pay for being such a smart-aleck on the Queen Mary.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

There’s the old storefront. Inside, Donna is addressing Jason and Grant across the conference table. Donna is stoked.

Donna: “I have the. best. case. ever. ever.” She is beaming.

Grant: “Whoa.”

Donna: “I was talking with Barry Fitzgerald over in Ireland.”

Jason: “Yeah.” Jason is acting cool.

Grant is not acting cool: “Oh my god!”

Donna: “You ready for this? He said he could get us into Leap Castle.”

Grant whooshes: “Aw!”

Donna: “And we have the whole run of the place ourselves. Leap Castle!”

Grant and Donna high-five each other across the table. Jason is too cool for that, but he allows himself to smile.

Grant: “That’s frickin’ awesome.”

Donna: “I mean we’ve all dreamt about – like really – this is the top of the top of the top. The cream de la crème.”

MB: But there isn’t any cream in crème. That’s why they have to call it crème.

TM: I like crème.

MB: You also like cream.

TM: True. but I’d rather have crème in certain things. Like Easter eggs. Easter eggs are the cream de la crème. More so than Leap Castle, certainly.

MB: Never mind about Easter eggs. I want to know how long it took them to learn how to pronounce “Leap” correctly.

TM: Oh, sure, they can say it, but can they spell it?

(more…)

St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal II

February 8, 2010

The Talking Mongoose and Madame Blahblatsky are recarping episode 219 of Ghost Hunters, the end product of which should have been the white crow of The Atlantic Paranormal Society.  Unless it was a black crow.  We don’t know.

TM:  It could be black and white.  Striped.

MB:  You’re just saying that to encourage me to go on.

We left Jason and Grant recovering at Mission Control after chasing a crow ghost up the stairs at the St. Augustine Lighthouse, or so we are to believe.  See Part I here.

st. augustine lh interior

Lovely photo courtesy of www.flickr.com/photos/wordridden/9157511/

Steve’s fear of heights is keeping him out of the lighthouse with its 140-foot high spiral staircase.  Brian and Dustin have been sent in.

Lighthouse Tower

2:02 AM

Brian: “Can you hear me?” He whispers: “Dude, it’s responding to us.”

Dustin interviews: “It started when Brian and I get to the landing, we started giving the hellos, and we’d actually get a response.”

Brian: “These kind of responses or something…”

Dustin: “It sounded like a whisper.”

Brian: “Helloo!”

MB: Eek! I heard a squeaky hello just now.

TM: Pft. That could be the sound guy.

MB: Don’t be such a spoilsport.

(more…)

St. Augustine Lighthouse: The Mona Lisa of the Paranormal

January 29, 2010

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp St. Augustine Lighthouse, episode 19 of the second season of the putative reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of fake plumbers continue their attempts to become paranormal answer to Penn and Teller.

MB:  Hey – what did you do to that lighthouse?

TM:  I shortened it, for Steve and his acrophobia.

MB:  How thoughtful.

So it’s been a while since we’ve done this.  The Talking Mongoose has been nagging me (Mme. Blahblatsky, the default secretary of the Ouija Board), insinuating that we are missing out on some fabu stuff by abandoning ship in the middle of the second season.  There’s no way I’m going to continue to transcribe every single asinine episode, but I’ve consented to do a few select ones.  The Talking Mongoose promises this one makes up for the other lighthouse episodes.

TM:  I did not.  I said it might.

MB:  I thought there was going to be a real ghost!

TM:  I don’t know. Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who can tell?

MB:  There’d better be.

Disclaimer: Sole proprietorship and full blame for the quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who saw fit to disseminate it on the public airwaves. We still think they’ve got an illegal dump for the out-takes  somewhere off Block Island.

Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS hunts for spirits in Florida’s oldest lighthouse. Will Steve’s fear of heights hamper the investigation? And what has the team frantically running up the stairs?

There is a lot of fast-cut commotion.  Then Brian issues the singular judgment:  “This is the Mona Lisa of all paranormal activity.”

MB:  Well, that’s all I need. I’m in.

TM:  I told you so.

The old credits roll, with everyone trying to look extra-dashing and earnest.

TM: Look! Donna is still the case manager.

MB: And Brian has been reduced to a mere investigator, but why is Dave still an investigator-in-training when he’s the only one who figured out the Queen Mary hoax?

TM: That would be why!

MB: Oh. Look.  Race Rock Lighthouse, when we were all younger and stupider.

TM: I miss those days.

MB: Me, too.

(more…)

Holy Grail, Holy Crap

October 31, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

(more…)

A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

(more…)

Above the Normal

May 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky recarps the seventh episode of the second season of the rehearsed reality show “Ghost Hunters. For some reason, the Talking Mongoose is sulking about Altoona and refuses to talk. I don’t know why.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television is the proud owner of all the dialogue quoted below, captured in print for the ages by moi, Mme. Blahblatsky. Apologies to the ages.

The narrator (whose name is Mike Rowe, by the way, as his stellar performances should not go uncredited) attempts to infect us all with his unbridled enthusiasm for the show.

Narrator: Last time, on Ghost Hunters, Brian walks away from Jason and Grant and his life at TAPS. And on this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is called in to help a terrified mom, but will Brian’s sudden departure and Steve’s promotion cause friction on the team? Then TAPS calls in an old friend to help investigate a creepy cabin. Jason and Donna have an eye-opening experience. But will Dustin be able to keep it together after an unexpected encounter?

We see Brian (sob) walking off into the twilight, a kid thrashing around in his bed, Kristyn and Steve having words, Donna having fits, and Dustin having fits. So! Promising!

Credits: Ack. Kristyn Gartland is back. So is Andy Andrews. And Dustin Pari now gets his own cool whirl-around-and-freeze “tech specialist” shot.

Jason and Grant are addressing Andy, Kristyn and Steve at headquarters, Warwick. They have a case in Springfield, Massachusetts. The family in jeopardy have a 6-year-old son.

Jason: “He’s getting yanked by the legs, uh – and the feet, poked in the feet. Now it’s actually escalated to the point where he’s getting poked in the head.”

Grant: “Supposedly Zach’s bed has started shaking violently a couple times. The mother can’t go down in the basement because she gets I guess ‘violently ill’ is the way it was described.”

Jason: “For all we know there could be carbon monoxide or anything, you never know.”

Steve offers to break out the carbon monoxide detectors, which must have been gathering dust somewhere down in the basement tech department. Andy looks drugged.

Grant: “So let’s go there. Let’s help this – uh – kid out, I mean, that’s what it all comes down to. It’s a small place. That’s why the team is so small. We invited Kristyn along because she had some paranormal experiences when her son was around, I imagine, the same age. For any insight, we can turn to her.”

Oh, yeah, Kristyn will be a big help. Just like she always is.

Jason: “Finally, Steve – he’s taken over the tech department. Movin’ on up.”

Kristyn, in a high-pitched fakey cheer: “Yayyyyyy. Good for you, buddy!”

I would gag, except I hate gagging.

(more…)

Big City

April 27, 2008

Continuing the recarp of the sixth episode of the second season of the faux-reality show “Ghost Hunters,” Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose finish off Bright Light.

Disclaimer: The dull and stilted conversations Mme. Blahblatsky has laboriously typed out belong to Pilgrim Films and Television Inc.

The narrator promised us a TAPS throw-down and a startling development on the Brian front. So we’re still waiting, but we’re not holding our breaths.

TM: I am. I want to see hair-pulling.

CASE #2 MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM

Saturday 2:13 PM

Another schoolroom grouping has been assembled at TAPS headquarters. Steve and Dustin in the front-row chairs, and Paula and Andy perched on stools behind them, eagerly await the arrival of their overlords. Jason sweeps in first, distributing “what’s up”’s, followed by Grant. It’s Grant’s day to wear red – a sweater today.

MB: I hate red clothing.

TM: I’ve noticed. You might want to try to get over it.

Jason: “We’ve got a really interesting case. It’s one of the oldest brownstones in New York City.”

Grant: ‘It’s been unchanged for what – like 170 years?”

Jason: “Yes, it’s a museum. It’s still the original furniture, everything else in the house.”

Grant: “I guess what they’re experiencing there are noises, stove shaking.”

Jason: “Piano playing by itself. Let’s get the van packed up and get out of here, guys. We got a good trip ahead of us.”

The black vehicle caravan lumbers out of Warwick.

TM: If it were black camels, this would be so much more fun.

MB: Also, more eco-friendly. Black camels, like the ones that come for dead Shriners?

TM: Ooh, yeah. I’d forgotten that. Jason would look good in a fez.

Jason: New York is a different kind of city. I was born in upstate New York, so…”

Grant: “It’s a different world.”

Jason: “Eh, yeah, the city – it’s a whole different world.”

TM: Did you know that?

MB: I’d heard something.

(more…)

Time Travel with TAPS

March 31, 2008

A “Ghost Hunters” Recarp

Mme. Blahblatsky did the transcript work and then shoved it and the DVD at me muttering about “effing shadows,” and “yesterday is tomorrow,” and I got concerned enough not to argue with her. So the Talking Mongoose is your reluctant guide to the fourth episode of the second season of the dimwittedly fabulized “reality” show “Ghost Hunters.”

Disclaimer: Mme. Blahblatsky toiled to capture almost every word spilling from the mouths of the language-challenged TAPS crew for us to read and marvel over, but all the scintillating dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc. We are not responsible.

The Narrator guy attempts to whip up a frenzy of anticipation.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to North Carolina for a routine training mission. Does the ghost of Andrew Johnson inhabit this house? Will this investigation sour the ghost hunters’ spirits? And then, Jason and Grant are asked to investigate a haunted battleship. How will they maneuver around this 35,000 ton steel maze? Are the ghost hunters now being hunted?

Answers to these questions: no; damn it, no; with lots and lots of extension cords; no.

Credits: CARL!!! Demonologist Carl is back. I never thought I’d be so glad to see one of the Johnson twins. And – oh, Andy Andrews returns.

Case Manager Donna LaCroix and Tech Specialist Steve Gonsalves are in conference with the big guys, “lead investigators” aka plumber/producers Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson, in the headquarters of The Atlantic Paranormal Society, Warwick, Rhode Island. Where is Brian?

Donna has no cases for the guys. None. But she has a swell idea. She thinks Dustin Pari and Jen Rossi need some training. Hmm. Where do you suppose they could get this training? Because there are no ghosts in Rhode Island. Or Massachusetts or Connecticut or anywhere within several hundred miles. TAPS has eliminated them, through sheer mind control.

Jason: “I talked with Jim Hall and Dave Gurney from North Carolina and they’ve got a place that they use down there, but that’s a trip.”

Donna awkwardly tries to join into this manufactured conversation, but she’s not having fun with it. “Yeah. North Carolina – that is – that’s going to be a haul.”

Tch tch, Donna. It’s only 680 miles! What’s 23 hours out of a weekend when it’s spent on the road with the always hilarious TAPS gang?

Steve plays the role of the reluctant techie, who is still thinking he wants to spend his weekend playing Halo. “Why do we have to go all the way to North Carolina just to train people?”

Because, silly, there’s a battleship just waiting to be debunked. Only we’re pretending we don’t know about that just yet. We’re just heading off on a little training retreat.

(more…)

Zero Divided By Two

March 8, 2008

I’m giving Mme. Blahblatsky some time to get over her bad moodiness re The Myrtles. This is a recarp of the second episode of the second season of the reconstituted reality show “Ghost Hunters.”

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television created this mess, and quoted dialogue is theirs, in perpetuity. They are damned to the circle of hell reserved for really bad television producers.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS searches for a spirit that terrorizes children, and a bone-chilling discovery is made. Are they human? And Brian and Steve are in hot pursuit. Then, Jason and Grant investigate a house with multiple hauntings. When the ghost hunters get close, a TAPS member gets attacked.”

That narrator sounds positively gleeful about that last bit.

The Credits are changed again. This week, the featured bit players are Andy Investigator, and Paula Research & Development. Jen and Kristyn can just suck it.

Warwick, Rhode Island winter – snow plow, snow banks. The three-foot high ones are back in front of TAPS headquarters.

Donna, Jason and Grant are in the conference room, where not one but two giant pictures of Race Rock Lighthouse remind us of the glory days of last summer.

Donna is presenting the next case, a house in Grafton, Massachusetts. A couple with children and a sister live there. “The children are being woken up in the middle of the night by things tugging on their bed sheets, the toys flying around the room.”

Yeah, you can just forget the toys jet-propelling through space right now.

(more…)