Queen Mary Queries

October 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose grouse about the highly unsatisfactory TAPS “investigation” of the haunted Queen Mary, per Ghost Hunters episode 211, as recarped in For Sham! Part II.

MB: I’m still trying to understand how this happened. TAPS goes to a public hotel with 365 rooms on the upper decks of this gigantic ship. They set up an independent camera in the “haunted” room, not hooked up to any monitoring system, leave it running, leave the door unlocked…

TM: Heck, for all we know, they left the door open, and put a big sign outside saying “ghost hunt in progress – stop and say hi!”

MB: They leave the door – no – doors – multiple doors unlocked, leave the room totally untended, go off down into the bowels of the ship thousands of feet away to frolic for hours, and then pretend to get all distressed over the camera being messed with by “unknown” people. WHY? That’s what I want to know. I can actually understand why they would want to fake a door opening at the DeVille house and do a fake non-debunking. It was exciting! I bought it. You bought it. Countless  chumps all over bought it. But what good does it do them to fake fakery on the Queen Mary? That’s just whacky.

TM: No, it’s not. It’s perfectly logical. You pointed it out yourself. There they are, in what is supposedly one of the most haunted places in the world, and they leave with footage of fakery. What if the hoax had not occurred?

MB: Then they would have had – uh – FLIR footage of a hot water tank in the engine room, and…  a nice breakfast?

TM: The dreaded PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. Most Haunted had just spent three weeks – three weeks! – investigating the Queen Mary. Low-budget Ghost Hunters had one night, maybe two. They probably didn’t know what the Most Haunted crew got, which would have made them even more paranoid, although maybe Erika Frost told them?

MB: And what did Most Haunted get?

TM: Eh – wet footprints by the empty pool leaving salt deposits, i.e. saltwater.

MB: Cool!

TM: Yeah, I don’t know. I think it’s hooey.  Never mind that. My point is what is going on in the teeny-tiny pea brains of TAPS’ lead investigators? What are they going to do here to make an impression?

MB: It would have been mortifying for them to find no evidence.

TM: Can you see Jason and Grant swaggering off the Queen Mary and announcing it’s not haunted? After all the other investigations done there? You can’t do a drive-by debunking of the Queen Mary. They are nowhere near that sure of themselves. And one of the reasons they aren’t that sure of themselves is because they cheat. So even though they assume everyone else cheats because they cheat, it also makes them think that everyone else can figure out that they cheat, which is why they are so bloody paranoid about being exposed as cheaters. Which is more veranoia than paranoia, but…

MB: You’re going off on a tangent.

TM: I know. But I was on a roll, and it just hit me why they throw people out of their forums and why they dump inconvenient TAPS family members.

MB: So the guys who are trying to set themselves up as the big American ghost hunters of the 21st century can’t afford to hang around the Queen Mary waiting for “scientific” evidence, but they’re too embarrassed to leave without something. Therefore…

TM: Bait and switch. Pre-emptive strike. Smoke and mirrors. Divert the attention elsewhere. It doesn’t even matter what the initial intention was, because it worked either way. Let’s say Grant did it, not expecting anyone would figure it out.   Other than, of course, his partner in crime Jason, and at least someone at Pilgrim.

MB: Hoaxing on the Queen Mary must have been a cakewalk compared to hoaxing in the DeVille house.

TM: Then Dave Tango has to go and be all smart-ass, and while they may not have “undebunkable evidence” of a ghost in B-340, now they have Dave heroically rescuing them from being “tricked.”

MB: Don’t you know Steve hated that? And then everyone gets all depressed over being nearly done in by dastardly hoaxers, and it’s such a huge and  smelly red herring that nobody even notices that they didn’t find any ghosts on the Queen Mary, and they don’t have to make fools of themselves by finding nothing, because they did find something.

TM: And they don’t have to say the Queen Mary isn’t haunted, because they had personal experiences, but – so sad – didn’t catch anything on film, sorry. And everyone’s happy.

MB: That’s sick.

TM: Isn’t it great?

MB: No, it is not! I can’t believe anything anymore. What’s left? Anything from the second season on is suspect. What’s left? Race Rock Lighthouse?

TM: Uh, about that…

MB: No. I do not want to know.

TM: Yeah, but…

MB: NOT NOW. I need some time to get used to all this. You know, I didn’t start this blog to be a naysayer. I wanted to do recaps, not recarps.

TM: I know. Poor Mme. Your idols turned out to have feet of clay, only not even real clay, but that kind you make out of cheap white bread and Elmer’s glue, which the weevils then eat.

MB: Oh, shut up. The paranormal field always has and always will be full of fakery. That I thought these idiots were going to be any different is just indicative of my innate chumpiness. Gullible? I still believed in the Easter Bunny when I was nine.

TM: You still believe in the Easter Bunny.

MB: Oh, shut up.

TM: If it’s any consolation, I still think a ghost shoved Frank DiAngelis.

MB: That’s probably because you so want the New Bedford Armory to be haunted.

TM: Not at all. Really. Hey, you know what we could do? We could dowse for answers to all our questions.

MB: You mean I could dowse for answers to all our questions. You couldn’t find water unless you fell into a well.

TM: Just get out the old pendulum and let’s see what it thinks. It’s just as reliable as those TAPS knuckleheads blabbering about Science, Truth and Honesty all the time.

MB: Sigh. You’re not wrong.  Okay. Let’s go.  Pendulum, would you please answer the following?

TM:Who moved the bed covers in B-340 on the Queen Mary on the night of 26 July 2005?

Dave Tango: NO

Grant Wilson NO

Erika Frost: NO

Jason Hawes: YES

Steve Gonsalves: NO

Donna LaCroix: NO

Pilgrim crew: NO

Girls gone wild: NO

TM: Color me surprised! I wouldn’t think Jason would do it, because I think he likes deniability, but hey – the pendulum knows all!

MB: Eh. Next.

TM: Was it a conspiracy?

YES

TM: Is the Queen Mary haunted?

Big YES

MB: Well, this is stupid. Should we continue with this?

Big NO.

TM: Ask it if Sarah Palin is an alien-human hybrid with toxic green blood.

MB: Hunh. Pendulum says big YES.  I think it’s time to take the dogs for a walk.  I need some fresh air.

TM:  I need to go check out that stairwell behind the infamous moving chair.  I kind of like these conspiracies.

MB: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  LA LA LA LA LA.

TM:  You can’t keep your hands over your ears forever.

MBWHAT???  I CAN’T HEAR YOOOOOUU.

(Next on the Ouija Board –  the Talking Mongoose predicts Mme. Blahblatsky will have an apoplectic fit over some FLIR footage dear to her heart.)

For Sham! TAPS En Vacance II

October 3, 2008

Continuing on this merry California holiday in the second season of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads south from the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose to Long Beach, where they are going to do a definitive cursory investigation of the fabled ocean liner Queen Mary.  Somewhere Peter James raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.  R.I.P.

See disclaimer in En Vacance Part I.

Desert landscapes whisk past.

Jason: “During our drive through California, we got to see some of the great places. L.A. (he shrugs) – jeez, that’s bigger than Rhode Island is.”

TM:  Everything’s bigger than Rhode Island.

MB:  The Queen Mary is bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  The Winchester Mystery House is bigger than Rhode Island.

MB;  I have a dog bed that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  You have a cat that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

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For Sham! TAPS En Vacance

September 30, 2008

In which the Atlantic Paranormal Society pretends to investigate the Winchester Mystery House, and then, in a tour de force of – something, “debunks” faked “evidence” on the haunted Queen Mary.  Who faked the evidence?  The Talking Mongoose has some ideas.

Now that we chumps at the Ouija Board know to our dissatisfaction that those hucksters of hauntings, peddlers of the paranormal, drummers of duplicity, TAPS, are working both sides of the fence, we’re not going to subject ourselves to the agony of examining episodes like the Bradley Playhouse yawner in depth. Life is too damn short. Mme. Blahblatsky has dogs to walk, and the Talking Mongoose has become enamored of Gordon Ramsay and Sir Alan Sugar. Where we focus our gimlet eyes from now on will depend on pure whim. It’s not like we’re going to run out of episodes anytime soon, as they’re being run off the Pilgrim production line as fast as Krispy Kreme makes doughnuts.

So per Talking Mongoose request, we’re off to California. This is a transcripty recarp of episode 211, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, of the “reality show” in which “Ghost Hunters” pretend to hunt and/or debunk ghosts.

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A Second Helping of Gumbo

September 6, 2008

After rewatching the DeVille house episode (203) of Ghost Hunters, in light of Pam Gates Hoyt’s recent revelations, Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose are both feeling pret-ty silly about being taken in by that door. They don’t like being so thoroughly hoodwinked. They need to vent.

TM: So.

MB: Pft. Charlatans! Mountebanks! TAPS enters the long roll of paranormal frauds in my book. I’m peeved. I am officially disgruntled.

TM: Well, at least it got you out of the tomato patch. Those bloody wankers. You get the tar. I’ll fetch the feathers.

MB: You were right. Way back when, you were right.

TM: To be fair, I thought the door was real, too. We wanted to believe.

MB: No, I mean when you said if they lied about the little stuff, why should we believe them about the big stuff? Nothing they say is credible. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

TM: “And the self-righteous shall be laid low and trampled by ducks.”

MB: Huh?

TM: A quote seemed called for, so I made one up. In honor of TAPS. So I told you what Pam said about them filming the attempted door-debunking back in Rhode Island. Did you notice they didn’t even bother to try to get the door swing right when they filmed the fake door?

MB: Idiots.

TM: And there’s a wall right next to the door at a right angle, and there’s a dropped ceiling in the interior room.

MB: We’re idiots. We are idiots. No wonder we never saw Bruce with them as they “examined” the door. They never examined the door, because they didn’t need to, because they faked the whole thing.

TM: Where’s old Bruce in all this? He reacted in just the way they wanted him to.

MB: Oh my god – it was so easy for them to dupe him, because he lives in a goddamn haunted house. That is positively diabolical. The ghost hunters duping the homeowners, in order to spice up their “reality” television show. No wonder Jason and Grant are so suspicious of other people’s claims, because they’re both incorrigible liars, themselves.

TM: I thought we liked the word “fabulist.”

MB: Great big creepy fabulists. Or maybe vile little creepy fabulists.

TM: Flaming-pants fabulists. So while they were filming the door opening and closing, Jason DeVille was being kept outside, Bruce was being kept in the living room, and Pam and Michelle were being herded around by various TAPS people. It must have been a breeze. I mean easy-peasy, not a breeze. I assume some form of string was involved. Did you notice how the door bounced kind of oddly as it reached the end of its swing? I’m guessing someone out of line of the light coming under the door leaned over and opened the door knob, pushed it slightly, let it open a bit, and pulled it back with string attached to the door knob.

MB: Jesus H. Christ. We’re idiots.

TM: If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t found anything on the internets to indicate anyone else noticed either.

MB: It does not make me feel better.

TM: Oh, well. Yeah. We’re idiots. If I hadn’t been salivating over Texas hot wieners in Altoona, I might have noticed they were doing funny editing right from the start. Sidetracked by sausage. LORD GOD ALMIGHTY – GUESS WHO MOVED THE BED COVERS ON THE QUEEN MARY???

MB: What? Who? When? Stop shouting.

TM: Third season! We must go there next, Mme!!! They did it themselves!!!!!!! It’s too perfect – it works if it isn’t discovered, and it works if it is. I don’t know if Dave Tango was a patsy or in on it from the start, but it is sublimely perverse. Grant got to be all outraged that someone was playing a trick on them, when they did it themselves!!! I’m actually starting to feel a teeny-tiny bit of respect for the sheer brazen effrontery of it all.

MB: Wait, wait, wait. God knows, there’s going to be plenty of time for rethinking everything we thought we knew. Let’s stick to the case at hand. So Kristyn Gartland is revealed to be an aspiring actress rather than a total disgrace to female ghost hunters everywhere.

TM: I wonder if she thought of stroking her neck in that scene with Grant herself. Because – actressy foreshadowing!

MB: And Pam says the lamp that Paula got the minus-9 temperature reading was unplugged.

TM: I never understood how Pam picked up a cold spot first before Paula “proved” it was interference from the halogen lamp, plugged or unplugged.

MB: And the great ghost hunt shut down at ten o’clock to avoid film crew overtime. Where else do you suppose this has happened? Why did they even bother to go? What’s the point?

TM: My dear, I know you say you are officially disgruntled, but you have to start realizing the “ghost hunters” of TAPS are not hunting ghosts. Maybe they once were, but they stopped long ago.

MB: The Myrtles slave shack did look in awfully good condition, come to think of it.

TM: I guess all the controversy about the moving lamp there was more than justifiable. It was that weasel Grant.

MB: And, too bad, the scary shadow on the porch was just…

TM: Grant. I’m for blaming it all on the weasel. I told you he was bad.

MB: He’s no worse than Jason, though.

TM: Eh – Leopold/Loeb. Bush/Cheney. What’s the difference?

MB: Harry Price never would have survived the internets.

TM: Surely you’re not comparing the diabolical duo to Harry Price?

MB: Well, no. Grant is no Marianne Foyster. He’s cheesier. And the diabolical duo is surviving the internets nicely, isn’t it?

TM: Yes, but when future generations dig up our documents, which I am saving printed on acid-free paper sealed in a water-tight, fireproof steel box in a bomb-proof metal vault in a secret location, their goose will be cooked.

MB: Something to look forward to, then.

TM: Yes!

MB: At least they ate the gumbo.

TM: There’s that. Although if anyone ever deserved to have a pot of hot gumbo poured over them…

MB: A waste of good gumbo.

TM: Vraiment vrai. Alors, maybe you will think about a return to work now? A plethora of paranormal travesties awaits.

MB: And I still need to find Steve saying “supposably.”

TM: There you go.

MB: But there’s that tomato chutney I need to make…

TM: Oh, first things first. Anyway, I think I have go rewrite all the dang nutshell recarps. Cripes. A pox upon you, Hans and Franz.

Regular Ouija Board transmissions will resume anon. We have Mme. B.’s word.

First, You Make a Roux

September 4, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky is still in a stew about the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum episode. I, the Talking Mongoose, am trying to tend the shop in her absence. Fate has kindly bestowed upon me the fascinating Pam of the DeVille “Gumbo” episode (part of the TAPS invasion of Louisiana in the second season of Ghost Hunters, February 2005). Pam was a founder of the Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters group, whom we were supposed to believe had called up Grant Wilson and Jason Hawes, as a member of the TAPS “family,” asking for help regarding the haunted sugar plantation. Well, we’re not idiots, and we knew that wasn’t the way it happened, but we couldn’t figure out the real story until now, because Pam herself has given us the other side.

Go with us now into the roiling depths of the icky TAPS “family” as we get an exclusive interview with Pam Gates Hoyt. Remember that opening and closing door they couldn’t debunk? Oh, dear.

How did TAPS approach you with the idea behind the episode? What did they tell you up front? Did you know they were going to pretend you were asking for help? Did that annoy you?

I was contacted by someone with Pilgrim Productions through my website. I didn’t even know Taps was in town. I gave him my phone number and he called me. He said that they were in New Orleans and would be taping for a week. They had made arrangements to do an investigation of a private residence (they didn’t want to do just public places). I thought it hilarious that they had made arrangements for this residential investigation through one of those phony, money-grubbing fakes in town (she takes buses into cemeteries, dresses all in black and charges money for something tourist could do for free). She was a member of their “Family” and they had never even met her. So, her investigation [fell] through at the last minute and they were clambering to find an investigation at the last minute. I guess they started scanning the net and they came across Michelle and me. No, we did not know they were going to pretend we were asking for help. I would NEVER have asked them for help. And Hell Yeah, it annoyed me. I thought it made me look incapable and I have been involved with the paranormal a lot longer than they have. I started training as a medium from my Cajun Grandmother around three years old.

How did you happen to meet the DeVilles?

They contacted me through our website, referred to us by a friend who had a group in North Louisiana.

When had you first been involved in the DeVille house, and what was the status of your case when TAPS called?

I was originally contacted by Bruce DeVille’s younger brother a couple months prior to the taping. We went out and did an initial investigation. I asked the clients not to tell me anything about what was going on there (something I always did). Michelle did background investigation on the property; she knew more about it than me. After our initial investigation, we were in the process of scheduling a full investigation. We were gathering the proper equipment and making arrangements when TAPS came into the picture.

Had you seen the first season of Ghost Hunters previously? What did you think about TAPS before you actually met them?

Yes, I had seen the first season. Michelle and I did things alone for a long time before deciding to form a group. We used The Myrtles as our training ground. We thought that we wanted to use TAPS as a model for our group as far as having certain people in charge of certain things, such as Case Manager, Tech Manager, etc. And we were looking at the equipment they were using to decide what we liked and didn’t like. What did I think about TAPS? I thought Jason was a total Ass and swore I never would treat people that way.

Exactly how long did it take to do the filming?

Not long enough. We met them at their hotel on the West Bank that afternoon. I was immediately annoyed by the filming and refilming of stupid little things like greeting them, walking out of the hotel to go to the cars and even re-filmed leaving the hotel THREE times. I took an immediate dislike to the Director. He was snotty, condescending and controlling. Look, Cajuns have traditions, just like the Japanese, Chinese and other cultures and this guy was just insulting. I also thought it was extremely disrespectful to me, Michelle and our clients that they (TAPS members and crew) were all hung over from too much Bourbon Street the night before.

Who was in charge of the production? Who made decisions affecting content? You mentioned Kristyn Gartland didn’t really refuse to sit with Bruce. Whose hare-brained idea was that?

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A Paranormal Bedlam, Act III

May 29, 2008

Previously, we went on an exciting investigation with “Ghost Hunters” at the former Weston State Hospital, now renamed the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum by its charming owner, asbestos heiress and mud bog racing enthusiast Rebecca Jordan, who is also, by some incredible coincidence, a lunatic. During the night, wild and crazy things happened. Strange voices were heard, mysterious footsteps were chased, orbs and shadows darted about, Jason and Grant saw a backwards-jetting apparition, and none of this was visible or audible to us. So – not completely convincing, but lively. Also, four out of seven TAPS members qualified for NAMI rehab boot camp.

Disclaimer: The quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who should be looking over their shoulders for the imminent arrival of the NAMI goon squad after these loathsome production and editing choices, and also for the wheels of karma, which can pack a really good wallop.

Now’s the time for all that vaunted TAPS scientifical methodology to show us why they are so much better than all those other paranormal groups “out there.” Because it’s evidence analysis time.

THE ANALYSIS

WESTON, WEST VIRGINIA

TRANS-ALLEGHENY LUNATIC ASYLUM

MONDAY 10:25 AM

TAPS is staying at some hideous “post-modern” chain hotel which evidently didn’t give them a good enough rate to warrant having their name prominently displayed.

Steve, Dave and Joe and their equipment are spread out at a large table in a function room, instead of being jammed around a desk in a guest room.

MB: Which makes that signless shot of the hotel more perplexing.

TM: Don’t you know, they wanted everything comped, including an all-you-can-eat breakfast, and didn’t get it. Payback, bitches!

Steve interviews: “Today, Tango and I have Joe Chin with us and I’m gonna offer him some training and try to get him up to speed on how to review the evidence. We’re gonna start him off light on audio.”

TM: Heh – start him off light with audio.

MB: Watching videos of nothing is hard.

Steve in scene: “Now, Joe – uh – when you’re listening to the audio you wanna get yourself used to all the noises you’re hearing, you wanna get yourself used to what investigators are in the room. An – anything you can ever think of that you hear that doesn’t sound like it fits, make note of it. Okay?”

Joe has been nodding: “Okay.” Yeah, this is really complicated, but Joe is strong, and shows no sign of breaking under the pressure.

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A Paranormal Bedlam, Act II

May 25, 2008

Previously, in the Mme. Blabhblatsky/Talking Mongoose recarp of Episode 409 Haunted Asylum of “Ghost Hunters,” we tried to adjust to radical changes at TAPS after traveling forward in time a jolting three years. Our favorite nerds were gone. Jason had strange facial hair. An “actress” was “acting” on this “reality” show. And in this episode, TAPS were hitting a new low as they joined forces with asbestos princess and velociraptor Rebecca Jordan, owner of the recently re-christened Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum and Mud Bog Racing Ground in Weston, West Virginia. Ms. Jordan gleefully told us of lobotomies and other zany bits of her new toy’s history. Grant Wilson had a good laugh over “date night.” Dave Tango pretended to hang himself. Everybody was having a really good time at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, and they like saying that name a lot. Because lunatics are so – entertaining!

Speaking of lunatics, disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. And again, ew.

The investigation begins.

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A Paranormal Bedlam, Act I

May 22, 2008

The “Ghost Hunters” fourth season episode “The Haunted Asylum” is recarped by Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose.

The first half of the second season has already worn Mme. B. down to a nubbin, so she is taking a respite in the future, also known as the present. I promised her more excitement here.

It should probably be noted that Mme. B., who does the transcribing and general recap, has not seen any of the fourth season, and only a few episodes of the third season. Since I take care of the computer end of things, I am a little more up-to-date on changes, but I haven’t warned her adequately, I’m afraid. Things may get ugly before we’re done. (TM)

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. owns the quoted dialogue. We sure don’t want it ascribed to us. Ew.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is in West Virginia for the first ever investigation of this imposing asylum, where disturbed spirits wander the abandoned halls. Will the team keep it together when the former patients start playing mind games? And who gets floored while provoking these tormented souls?

MB: Oh, nice. Now they’re provoking dead mentally ill people? Do mentally ill people not have it bad enough when they’re alive?

TM: I told you.

MB: Oh my god. What is that thing on Jason’s face? Crap – there’s Kristyn. But who’s that other woman? Who’s the guy with Steve? Where are the people I don’t mind?

TM: Um. They went away. They moved on. They’re in another place.

MB: Do you mean they’re dead?

TM: I think they’re dead to TAPS.

MB: Oh! Well, good for them.

TM: Maybe. Maybe not.

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Below the Normal

May 13, 2008

Below the Normal

The Ouija Board for Episode 207 of “Ghost Hunters” as recarped in Above the Normal, in which Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose attempt to ascertain the entertainment value of the episode, if any.

TM: Wha? Above the normal? Paranormal means above the normal?

MB: I don’t know. Jason has his own dictionary, I guess.

TM: Above the normal. That doesn’t make any sense.

MB: I guess it does in Jason’s world.

TM: Oh, right. That world where we differentiate between paranormal activity and haunted.

MB: Also, situations and scenarios.

TM: And the world where you can lunch on Harry’s New York style wieners in Altoona.

MB: ???

TM: That lunch in “Altoona,” when Jason and Grant were eating platters of chili dogs, and I found out about Altoona’s claim to Texas wieners for you? Harry’s was not a place in Altoona. It’s in Warwick, Rhode Island. I’m outraged.

MB: You weren’t outraged about the Wilmington Experiment.

TM: North Carolina didn’t involve lying about lunch.

MB: So what did they do, exactly?

TM: They were in Altoona. Jason and Grant supposedly were having an executive lunch and bitching vociferously about the Mishler Theater “disaster” and Brian losing “thousands of dollars of equipment.”

MB: I remember that.

TM: Well. They weren’t in Altoona at all. They were back in Rhode Island. The lunch was a total hoax. Think of all the heartbroken fans who have searched Altoona fruitlessly for Harry’s New York System Wieners so they could lunch where their idols had downed dogs.

MB: They had Texas wieners instead?

TM: They must have. I wonder if Pennsylvania Texas chili dogs are better than Rhode Island New York chili dogs? Probably. Rhode Island food is weird. Now, about that door.

MB: What about it? Actually, I have some questions. What is it about doors and ghosts? Do ghosts open doors to get attention, or do they just feel compelled to open doors? Do they only open doors for an audience? Did they know that camera was there? Or do they open doors any old time? What’s the deal? I want to know.

TM: I was going to say it all seemed a tad too convenient, if you know what I mean.

MB: I don’t.

TM: A double-doored closet? Come on.

MB: Too convenient for what? “Foul play?” Crap. You of anyone should be able to see the flaw in that. It’s too easy. Too obvious. Why? How? Who? What about the sound of the thumb latch being used an hour later that rendered Donna and Jason babbling idiots?

TM: Look here. In 1997 Norma Sutcliffe was claiming her house was sans spooks. “Nothing happening here,” she said.

MB: So now you think she’s gone to pretending it’s haunted when it isn’t? How is that logical? Maybe she had just moved in. Maybe she was embarrassed. Maybe she didn’t feel like telling the Providence Journal she had a haunted house, and she got over it later. A lot of people don’t tell strangers about their ghosts. Some think you might be asking for trouble doing that. Because you kind of are! Given the way most people feel about ghosts. I blame the Reformation, you know.

TM: I bet the Warrens weren’t Lutheran.

MB: Look. A clothes hanger “leaped from a closet.” Maybe the same closet.

TM: I like the bleeding orange. Cool stuff like that never really happens, damn it. Well, what is Ouija going to say about this episode? I don’t think I paid enough attention to vote.

MB: I don’t know. It didn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out, because of the door, but the Tanguay thing was so lame.

TM: Poor Tanguays.

MB: Indeed. Video games and electromagnetic-hypersensitivity – if that doesn’t sound like the bottom of the barrel being scraped.

TM: They haven’t blamed heavy metal music or swamp gas yet.

MB: That list is already getting too long, you know. We need another system.

TM: I have a brilliant idea. How about normal, above the normal, and below the normal?

MB: What’s normal?

TM: Boring but not scratch-your-eyes-out unbearable. No worse than watching paint dry. Above the normal is better than watching paint dry. Below the normal is bad enough to make you prefer watching paint dry.

MB: Okay, give this one an above the normal, but not too much! And now, I really am bored. I’ve had it. I don’t want to do the next damn episode.

TM: You want me to do it.

MB: I don’t want to do it at all. I want to do something else.

TM: How about Top Chef? Top Chef is on!

MB: No. I mean – another episode. An interesting episode.

TM: Oh. Well. Second season?

MB: I don’t care.

TM: Ah. I’d suggest the third season Manson murders one because I am so looking forward to seeing you get apopleptic about K-2 meters, but as it so happens, I just watched one that will make your hair curl.

MB: I like curly hair.

TM: Mmm. Well, this is the bad permanent kind of curl. The permanent that makes you shriek and throw things and consider shaving your head.

MB: But not boring?

TM: Nope. Not boring.

MB: Pft. Bring it on.

Next, Mme. Blahblatsky finds herself transported into the middle of the fourth season!

Above the Normal

May 9, 2008

Mme. Blahblatsky recarps the seventh episode of the second season of the rehearsed reality show “Ghost Hunters. For some reason, the Talking Mongoose is sulking about Altoona and refuses to talk. I don’t know why.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Films and Television is the proud owner of all the dialogue quoted below, captured in print for the ages by moi, Mme. Blahblatsky. Apologies to the ages.

The narrator (whose name is Mike Rowe, by the way, as his stellar performances should not go uncredited) attempts to infect us all with his unbridled enthusiasm for the show.

Narrator: Last time, on Ghost Hunters, Brian walks away from Jason and Grant and his life at TAPS. And on this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS is called in to help a terrified mom, but will Brian’s sudden departure and Steve’s promotion cause friction on the team? Then TAPS calls in an old friend to help investigate a creepy cabin. Jason and Donna have an eye-opening experience. But will Dustin be able to keep it together after an unexpected encounter?

We see Brian (sob) walking off into the twilight, a kid thrashing around in his bed, Kristyn and Steve having words, Donna having fits, and Dustin having fits. So! Promising!

Credits: Ack. Kristyn Gartland is back. So is Andy Andrews. And Dustin Pari now gets his own cool whirl-around-and-freeze “tech specialist” shot.

Jason and Grant are addressing Andy, Kristyn and Steve at headquarters, Warwick. They have a case in Springfield, Massachusetts. The family in jeopardy have a 6-year-old son.

Jason: “He’s getting yanked by the legs, uh – and the feet, poked in the feet. Now it’s actually escalated to the point where he’s getting poked in the head.”

Grant: “Supposedly Zach’s bed has started shaking violently a couple times. The mother can’t go down in the basement because she gets I guess ‘violently ill’ is the way it was described.”

Jason: “For all we know there could be carbon monoxide or anything, you never know.”

Steve offers to break out the carbon monoxide detectors, which must have been gathering dust somewhere down in the basement tech department. Andy looks drugged.

Grant: “So let’s go there. Let’s help this – uh – kid out, I mean, that’s what it all comes down to. It’s a small place. That’s why the team is so small. We invited Kristyn along because she had some paranormal experiences when her son was around, I imagine, the same age. For any insight, we can turn to her.”

Oh, yeah, Kristyn will be a big help. Just like she always is.

Jason: “Finally, Steve – he’s taken over the tech department. Movin’ on up.”

Kristyn, in a high-pitched fakey cheer: “Yayyyyyy. Good for you, buddy!”

I would gag, except I hate gagging.

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