Holy Grail, Holy Crap II

TM:  Someone sent me a link to a supposedly haunted doll a few months ago, which I showed to Mme. Blahblatsky and she shrieked “My eyes!  My eyes!”  It seemed she was looking at a picture of the doll in the arms of our favorite ghost hunters, Hans and Franz, and objected to them more than the doll.  I have been reminding ever since, lo these many months, that we have unfinished business here, and it might be good therapy.  So as it’s Halloween, she’s agreed to come back and heap some abuse on the Warwick mountebanks, in honor of the season.

MB:  Lordy.  It has been months.  Okay, almost edging into years.  I got really really peeved after that Fort Delaware debacle last Halloween, and frankly, I don’t think  Ghost Hunters is worth a red cent at this point, but the Talking Mongoose has talked me into continuing.  I’d finished the transcript way back in Ought-8, so all we had to do was – god help us – watch it again and complain.

We left Taps stranded in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, half-way through episode 213 of Ghost Hunters, right after they presented  the thermal reflection of Grant on a metal locker as a ghost.  Grost.  Ghant.    We don’t think they can really cap this, but the Talking Mongoose says they’re going to get something special next.  So let’s see.

The disclaimer from part one still applies – dialogue, Pilgrim, oil drums, blah blah blah.   (And now we think we know the origins of the Montauk monster.)

THE PITCH

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 3:00 PM

The gang has assembled at the van for a pep rally.

Jason: “This home’s supposedly one of the most haunted homes around this area. It was a physician, Dr. Ellis.”

Grant: “Dr. Ellis – he was the guy that supposedly came out of the elevator and went to that room.”

Dustin: “Right.”

Donna: “Oh, really?”

Grant: “This is his house.”

Jason: “Let’s get over there, let’s hear the stories and take it from there one step at a time.”

Grant: “We’ll play it by ear.”

TM:  As opposed to pre-planning hoaxes.  We’re going to be more spontaneous.

MB:  Hoaxes?

TM:  Just kidding.  You know me.

Jason: “All right, guys?”

Steve: “Cool.”

Jason: “Let’s get out of here.”

The black caravan trundles through downtown Eureka Springs. [can a ghost be in 2 places?] Jason, Grant, and Steve approach the door of a Victorian house.

Jason: “Hi, Carroll?”

Carroll Heath, Homeowner: “Gentlemen? Yes.”

Jason: “Hi, I’m Jason from TAPS.”

Carroll: “Jason.”

Grant: “Grant.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Grant: “This is Steve.”

Steve: “Nice to meet you, Carroll.”

Carroll: “Nice to meet you, gentlemen. Please come in.”

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 6:39 PM

Carroll interviews: “I certainly hope that TAPS gets on film our unseen friends. Anything we get on film will be really very wonderful.”

TM:  He doesn’t know about the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

TM:  The grostly ghant.

MB:  This house better not be ghanted, that’s all I can say.

TM:  Er…

MB: What?

TM:  Nothing.

Carroll, in scene: “All right, gentlemen – I’d like to show you the house that I share here with Dr. Ellis, and I’m very conversant with Dr. Ellis because I’m a medium.”

Grant: “A medium, or we like to call him a “sensitive” is someone who is sensitive to personalities, electrical fields around them, someone who can pick up on the emotions of someone who is alive as well as someone who is dead.”

TM:  They can do both?  La!  Imagine.

MB:  Like Grant would know.  Like Grant would know anything.  Grant of the jerking jacket…

TM:  Mme. –  you promised to leave that out of this discussion.

MB:  Cripes!  God damn it to hell.  Okay.  But it’s all ruined, I tell you.  There’s not even a handbasket left.

TM:  I know.

Carroll: “I’m a pianist, and when I play the piano I feel a crowd of people gather, watching.”

The interior of Carroll and Dr. Ellis’s house is very 19th-century fancy.

Carroll: “As we go through the door here, we go to the back parlor.”

Grant: “Any people seeing things or heard things in here?”

Carroll: “Yes, quite often.”

Grant: “Such as?”

Carroll: “When we’ll be sitting downstairs and you hear people walking on the floor.”

Carroll interviews: “I’m the 12th owner. I know that two owners ago, they heard so much noise that they had the building exorcised.”

Jason: “So where do you want to head next?”

Carroll: “I’d like to take you to the bedroom level. We’ll first go into the master bedroom.

Grant: “Look at that bed! Holy cow!”

Whistles from the group. It is a nice bed, but it is not really anything to whistle at, unless you are used to sleeping in cardboard boxes.

Carroll: “This is furniture built in the 1870’s.”

Jason: “All right, so what kind of activity is goin’ on in this room?”

Carroll: “A lady is seen in Victorian clothing sitting in the bay window reading. These windows open with a beautiful view of the hollow. There are many stories of hauntings and sighting of beings down in those grounds.”

Jason: “Maybe we’ll send some guys out there.”

Back downstairs:

Jason: “So what we’re gonna do from here is we’re gonna go upstairs, we’re gonna talk to the rest of the crew. Steve runs the whole tech department.”

TM:  The whole tech department, which consists of Dustin.

MB:  And Dave.

TM:  Dustin and Dave.  The annual tech department picnic is awesome.

MB:  It probably was when Brian was in charge.

TM:  He did have a certain joie de vivre that Steve seems to lack.

Carroll: “All right.”

Jason: “He’s responsible for setting up cameras in all parts of the home.”

Carroll: “Okay, great. Can’t wait!”

Steve interviews: “Jason and Grant took me on the tour of the Dr. Ellis house. It made everything go a lot smoother. I could see the exact locations of the cameras. I knew where the activity was and where the camera should be pointed. I hope they continue to do that.”

MB:  None of this silliness about involving Donna.

TM:  Donna should be kept away from technical equipment.

MB:  Because she’s a stupid girl.

TM:  Precisely.  Girls can’t be in the tech department.  Although I suppose that means the tech department picnics consist mostly of Cheez Whiz and Cheetos.

FRONT PORCH

8:25 PM

Jason: “Hey, Dust – Steve went on the tour with us. He knows a lot of the areas of activity and we need to set up cameras. Save the high-8 because you and Dustin are going to go for a walk. There’s a wooded section across the street you guys are gonna check up.”

Steve: “I’m not goin’ in the woods.”

Jason: “I can’t go in the woods. I’m terrified of ticks.”

MB:  He’s not afraid of ticks.  He’s afraid of Lyme Disease.

TM:  Nah.  He’s not afraid of bubonic plague.  It’s those scary rats.

MB:  But it’s okay if the minions come down with a debilitating incurable disease.

TM:  Well, yeah.  Duh.

Steve: “Spiders! You have a bigger tick phobia than my spider phobia?”

A major hubbub ensues, with Grant trying to intervene, and Dustin looking on agog.

Jason: “Spiders are…”

Steve interviews: “I’m afraid of a lot of things, you know, like heights. I don’t like flying, I don’t like spiders.”

TM:  Seafood, clowns, frogs.

MB:  Books.  Bridges.

TM: Carrots.  Mushrooms.

MB:  I wonder if he has used any of his Ghost Hunters money for a little therapy.

TM:  Therapy is for sissies.

MB:  Sissies get to go see the Pyramids.

TM:  Real men go by boat.

Steve, in scene: “Spiders are anywhere that there’s a branch, wood, trees. Dustin and Dave can go in the woods.”

Jason: “You standin’ your ground on this, yes or no?”

Steve self-debates a moment, then decides: “Yes.”

Jason: “All right, then. I respect that. All right, let’s get the cameras set up.”

A bunch of unintelligible jokes and comments follows, finished up by someone exhorting a dude to rock’n’roll.

Steve grabs Dave from behind and makes him jump.

Carroll interviews: “I would expect the results to show some activity in the house here. When we do get things on camera, that’s going to be even more proof that this is, in fact, real.”

TM:  Ha!  Not the way these guys operate, dude.

MB:  Don’t call Carroll “dude.”  He’s so not a dude.  He’s civilized.

Jason interviews: “Including Steve on the tour made the set-up of the equipment go a lot smoother. He pretty much had first-hand knowledge of where everything needed to be set up and how to run the equipment. We definitely gotta keep on doing that.”

MB:  No, no, no.  Information passed along second- and third-hand adds so much more to the mix.

TM:  Yeah.  It’s no fun when things run smoothly.  I like seeing Steve get all steamed and sarcastic.

Steve: “We’re puttin’ this camera here because they’re gonna get a shot of this going all the way into that corner including the piano, and so I’m just gonna hang it this way. So it is not gonna go anywhere.”

He tapes a camera to window glass. [Which, you know, if the tape fails and the camera falls to the floor – well, no one wants to be Steve.]

TM:  That’s like trying to glue apples into a box.

MB:  Who would do that?

TM:  Precisely.  It doesn’t work, Shazia.

MB:  God bless you.

Dave: “Steve got a little creative with the tape – uh – which is good, you know? He was like MacGyver with it.”

Out at the van, where Command Central is staying for the evening:

Dave: “This is the last thing and then we go dark, right?”

Donna is hanging out by the van not doing much besides pursing her lips.

Jason, uncharacteristically jovial tonight: “Let’s do it, brother.”

Dave: “Hit it?”

Jason: “He can flip my switch, baby.”

Donna: “I’ll flip your swatch.”

TM:  The thought of being on a road trip to Arkansas with this crew is just blood-curdling.

MB:  I know.  Hauling handcarts across the Rockies with Mormons would be preferable.

There are old-fashioned push-button switches in the Dr. Ellis house, which makes a nice change for the ritual killing of the lights. The house goes dark.

Jason: “All right, guys, we got all the cameras set up.”

[could there have not been anything the editors could use to fill out this episode? anything???]

Jason interviews: “I’m gonna put Dave and Dustin together and have them do just a quick walk down the path. There’s a wooded section across the street. There’s been a lot of reports of – uh – ghostly activity coming from the woods, also strange animal sightings.

TM:  The Legend of Boggy Creek strange animals?  Or gowrow strange animals?  Or albino squirrel strange animals?

MB:  Hardly anyone ever sees ghosts in the woods, you know.

TM:  And why is that?  Maybe’s it’s aliens and sasquatch.

Jason, in scene: “Keep a walkie on you. I don’t need you getting’ lost in the woods in Arkansas, ‘cause my ass is goin’ home in a couple of days with or without you.”

The gang chortles and shuffles around.

Jason: “Steve, you and Donna – [to Carroll] you – I’m sure you’re gonna do a walk-through with ‘em.”

Jason interviews: “They can talk with Carroll back and forth. If Carroll’s getting any impressions, snap off some pictures, check the EMF meters.”

Steve: “Maybe try to correlate our EMF with his – uh – feelings.”

MB:  Doesn’t he know his lip could stay curled that way if he keeps doing that?

Jason: “I think that’d be great. All right. So let’s get this show goin’. C’mon.”

Steve: “Okay, let’s go.”

PARLOR

9:30 PM

Steve: “This is Donna, Steve, and Carroll in Carroll’s parlor.”

Carroll: “Ah – I’m having a lot of energy.”

Steve interviews: “Carroll jumped right into the investigation. Even though he claims to be a medium, he respected our scientific methods so I respected his – uh – psychic methods and I think we worked pretty good together.”

Steve, in scene: “What do you think they prefer to be called, Carroll? Spirits? Entities?”

Carroll: “Uh – beings. Just beings.”

Steve: “Beings?”

Carroll: “Uh-huh.”

TM:  When I’m a ghost, I’d darn well better be called an entity.

MB:  I’d rather be a ghost.

TM:  Although Satan’s emissary would be okay.

Outside by the van, Jason is issuing orders to the lambs being sacrificed on the phobia altar.

Jason: “Dave and Dustin – get suited up and sprayed down with as much DEET as possible ‘cause I don’t want you guys coming back tick-infested.”

Dustin sprays Dave.

Dustin: “Don’t breathe through your mouth.”

Dave tightly purses his lips, as a self-reminder not to breathe.

Jason: “Be safe. Don’t screw around. Stay together.”

Dustin: “All right, bro.”

Jason, to Dave: “It’s a head lamp. You want to use it? Don’t lose it. If you lose it, I’ll castrate you.”

Dave: “Puh. Okay.”

MB:  See, this is the kind of thing that makes me want to call social services on this family.   He’s already threatened to leave them behind in Arkansas.

TM:  But it’s Jason’s head lamp.  It may cost, like thirty or forty dollars.  Whereas Dave’s testicles are…

MB:  Let’s leave poor Dave’s testicles alone.

HAUNTED HOLLOW

10:48 PM

Dustin: “I would love to catch somethin’ on film there. This would be awesome. Let’s look in the woods there, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Dustin: “I thought I saw something move.”

Dave: “Where?”

Dustin interviews: “This is a creepy situation because in this setting your eyes can really play tricks on you.”

Dave swerves wildly: “Ooh! Webs!” He waves his hands. “Uckh!”

Their flashlights shine on something that looks like a humongous toadstool.

Dustin: “Oh, it’s kind of like the other sundial.”

A giant spider lurks under the top of whatever it is, inspiring considerable fear and loathing, considering Steve isn’t around.

Dustin: “Look at that guy. That is unbelievable. Ooh – you can see [garbled]  whatever it is like where its mouth is.”

MB:  The sound quality is incredibly crappy on these episodes – thanks, Pilgrim.

TM:  All the money they save on sound and closed-captioning goes to the special effects.

MB:  Like jacket-jerking?  Oh, I know.   I’ll shut up.

The spider jumps off the thing, causing the guys to jump. Dave shrieks.

Dave: “Where’d he go? Where’d he go?”

Dustin: “We’re not hunting for spiders. We’re lookin’ for ghosts. Dave – right. What’s that right there? Take a picture of that.”

TM:  He still believes.

MB:  Or he’s still looking for ghosts.  Who knows?

Dave: I thought I just saw somethin’. I think I saw eyes.”

Dustin: “There it is! There it is! See it? Whoa!”

Dave: “What is it? What is that thing?”

Dustin: “There’s somethin’ down there.”

Dave: ‘We’re like a sittin’ duck out here. Where the hell is that?”

Dustin: “Dude, there’s gotta be something going on over there.”

Dave: “Those eyes!”

The two ghost hunters are flashing their flashlights around and taking pictures through all of this search frenzy.

Dustin: “What’s that?”

TM:  If only they could get a shot of a Sasquatch, or a gowrow.

MB:  Then they could get a reality show of their own.

TM:  Monster Hunters.

MB:  Never finding proof of monsters would be a surefire hit on SciFi.

TM:  SyFy.

MB:  Seefee?

TM:  Anyway, I think someone is already doing that.  Not that that should stop them.  We can’t have too many shows about nothing.

THE INVESTIGATION

HAUNTED HOLLOW

THURSDAY 11:39 PM

Dave: “Oh, this is as creepy as hell, man.”

Dustin: ‘Where’d it go?”

Dave: “It was right there.”

Dustin: “Let’s go close.”

Dave: “There it is!”

Dustin: “Where is it?”

Dave: “Right there. See it?”

IT’S BAMBI!!!

TM:  OH MY GOD IT REALLY IS BAMBI!

MB:  The mighty hunters have been stalking a fawn.

TM:  If that isn’t illegal, it should be.  Baby deer harassment.

MB:  Jason would have run screaming, because, you know…

TM:  Deer ticks!  RUN, GUYS!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Dave: “It’s a deer.”

Dustin: “Oh, yeah. Let’s leave him alone. You’re gonna scare him to death with your lights. Hey, it’s tough to do a case in the woods.”

TM:  Well, yeah.  Especially when it’s so imaginary they don’t even know what they’re looking for.

Elsewhere:

Grant interviews: “We need to make it a situation where J. and I sit down with Carroll and figure him out.”

Carroll is viewed through the FLIR.

Carroll: “I know as a medium that the spontaneous things are what really happen.”

Jason interviews: “If Carroll feels anything’s in the room, we’re gonna try to solidify it with the thermal imaging camera.”

MB:  Yeah, that’ll work.  Because ghosts are like walking space heaters.

TM:  Grosts certainly are.

MB:  Ghants.

Grant interviews: “And honestly, to find out if he’s really what he claims to be, not – not to shoot him down or anything, but we need to capture stuff that you can see with your eyes.”

Jason, in scene: “How long have you known that you’re sensitive?”

Carroll: “All – years. When I was a little kid I was knowing things that were going to happen.”

Jason: “Can you give me a psychic reading of myself?”

Carroll: “Well, let me try here. You need to repeat your full name three times to give me permission to ready your energy.”

Jason: “Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes.”

MB:  His middle name is Conrad!

TM:  I wanted it to be “Lee.”

Jason interviews: “A medium will sometimes give a person a reading. What that actually entails is trying to absorb some of the person’s energy to – uh – be able to see the events in the past that are leading them to the point where they will be in the future. We believe that very few mediums are legit.”

TM:  That is an incredibly touchy-feely definition of a medium.  Methinks Jason has been hanging around with psychics an awful lot.

MB:  That’s probably where they learned how to run strings through jacketsAnd throw coat hangers!

Carroll: “This is come to me – a farm house in the country, uh – a big like oak trees or something around it, and – um – it’s not really your place of residence. Is it like an uncle or something?”

Jason: “Um – yeah, actually.” He scratches his head. “It was an uncle.”

Carroll: “Okay, okay. You’ve also got deceased family members who come to you when you’re asleep, is that correct?”

Jason: “That’s correct.”

MB:  I hope these deceased family members are slapping him upside the head when they visit.

TM:  Do you think the dead can be embarrassed by their relations?

MB:  I hope not.

Carroll seen through the FLIR suddenly has a rainbow aura vibrating around him, which is weird.

MB:  What’s that?

TM:  That’s the surprise.  I don’t know.  Although some people think it involves Grant’s thumb.

MB:  Do I want to know?

TM:  Probably not.

Carroll: “Yes, okay. I think your wife is not quite so interested. Is that correct?”

Jason: “That would be correct.”

Grant interviews: “When a medium or sensitive tries a reading, when it comes to sensitivity there are many different levels, but I think probably about 95-96 per cent of the people who I come across who claim that they are sensitives are not.”

TM:  95 or 96?  These guys really have been spending too much time around psychics.

MB:  Well, Grant would know.  I mean – it takes a fake to know a fake, n’est-ce pas?

TM:  Tch.

Carroll: “Uh – when you were a child you had a shock to your psyche in a sense, a life-changing experience.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Carroll: “Okay.”

Jason: “Yeah, I reckon that’s a way to put it.”

Grant: ‘Don’t forget – I get a turn, too.”

Jason: “You wanna sit here for a minute and get a reading? I’m gonna go outside.”

Jason interviews: “One thing you need to be cautious with when it comes to dealing with a psychic is the questions that they ask you. You’re tryin’ to block somebody from of course getting into your mind.”

MB:  So much for not believing in psychics!  “Getting into your mind” – pft.

TM:  I think he’s afraid of ol’ Carroll.  Psychics must be right up there with ticks.

Carroll: “Give me your full name three times and permission to read you.”

Grant: “Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson.”

Carroll: “You had a visitation from the other side that set you spinning.”

Grant: “Mm-hmm.”

TM:  These tiresome secret stories again.

MB:  I know.  The more they keep them secret, the less I want to know what they are.  I don’t care what stupid Grant experienced.  I don’t care if the baby Jesus himself crowned Grant with thorns and pronounced him the next messiah.

Grant interviews: “I was impressed with Carroll. The thing that got me the most was his percentage of accuracy with J. and myself.”

Carroll: “It was almost a near-death experience.”

Grant: “Uh – yeah.”

From somewhere nearby, there are two loud bangs. Grant turns his head, and upstairs somewhere, Steve and Donna are transfixed, too.

Donna: “What was that?”

Grant tells a returned Jason: “While we were downstairs we did hear a big bang.

Steve, upstairs with Donna: “Hold on. What was this?”

Grant: “It seemed like it was probably in here somewhere.”

Jason and Grant go to the parlor where the piano is.

Grant: “Ohhhhhh noooooooo! Crap.”

Steve’s MacGyvered camera has fallen to the floor.

TM:  I told you so.

MB:  And this is the guy in charge of the whole tech department.

Grant: “Steve had a crazy camera perch.”

Jason: “Ah – it fell off the window.”

Grant: “He perched it up. I had fear that was going to happen.”

Jason: “Did it burn you?”

Grant: “No one’s out in the van watchin’ it.”

Jason: “Oh, man!” He addresses the recording untended in the van. “This is Jason and Grant in here. There was a big bang that happened in this room. It was the actual camera falling from the window to the floor. So if it’s broken, Steve, you owe me four hundred bucks.”

MB:  Let’s see. So far Jason has promised his underlings abandonment in Arkansas and castration,  forced them out into a tick-infested wilderness, and now intends to collect financial damages.

TM:  Bad daddy.

We see the four-screen monitor, and it’s June 11, 2005, but all the cameras seem to be in place.

Jason: “So Dustin’s doin’ a walk-through in the woods [he makes a face] – puuhh – god, they gotta be covered in ticks.”

HAUNTED HOLLOW

6 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Dave: “Is there a black thing right there? Oh, there’s a shadow. Sorry.”

Dustin: “Whatever am I gonna do with you, Dave?”

There is a loud crunching noise. Dave looks down at the ground.

Dave: “Oh, glass! Watch out for the glass. Oh, look at this.”

Dustin: “It’s a little bench.”

He suddenly starts, and then titters. A lovely charcoal grey kitty is rubbing against his leg.

Dustin has had enough strange animal encounters: “I think we should probably start heading back, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Back at the van, as the exhausted minions try to recover from their woodland travails, Jason is ruthless.

Jason: “You guys tick-infested?”

Dustin: “Uh – I hope not.”

Grant: “Hey Steve – you know your ingenious concoction on the window fell?”

Steve: “Are you serious?”

Grant: “No, that’s good, because now we know the cameras can handle a – you know – six-foot fall or whatever.”

Jason: “Yeah, try not to drop them anymore.”

Grant and Donna laugh, but nobody else does.

Jason: “All right, let’s pack up. Let’s do it. Let’s do it quiet.”

Donna winds extension cord on her arm.  There’s a lot of ripping tape off of woodwork.

TM:  For the varnish, I say ouch.

Jason: “We got a lot of evidence to go through – oh my gosh.”

MB:  Psshh.  He’s got nothing to go through.

TM:  He’s going back for another herbal body wrap and a mani-pedi at the spa.

MB:  Don’t say that.  It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Cases are shut. Doors are slammed.

Jason takes leave of Carroll.

Jason: “We’re gonna head out of here and over the next few days we’re gonna go through all the evidence we got here and we’ll come back, sit down and show you what we caught, what we didn’t catch and so forth.”

Carroll: “Great.”

Grant: “All right, well – thank you very much.”

Carroll: “Thank you very much.”

Jason: “It’s been a pleasure, Carroll. I’ll talk to you real soon.”

Carroll interviews: “I was so happy that TAPS came here to investigate. The experience with Jason and Grant has been wonderful. It’s like we’ve always done this.”

MB:  Carroll looks a tad out there.

TM: You’d look crazed too if you’d just had to spend a night with  TAPS.

MB:  This is true.

Grant pulls Jason to the side before they leave.

Grant: “I don’t know what was goin’ on in there but I just saw something I’ve never ever seen before.”

Jason: “What’d you see?”

The FLIR view of Carroll with his vibrating rainbow aura is replayed.

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

FRIDAY 2:10 AM

Grant and Jason reprise the last bit of conversation. A split screen shows Carroll in FLIR-vision and night-vision as he talks to Jason.

Grant: “I was zoomed in on Carroll, and it was like psychedelic. It was like a 70s hippie show – colors flashin’, kaleidoscopin’ in front of my eyes. We’re not supposed to say things in front of the client. I’m sittin’ in the chair, video-tapin’ this crazy kaleidoscope show, and I’ve just been dyin’ to tell ya.”

TM:  I want to know how Grant knows about 70s hippie shows.

MB:  He saw Head.

Jason: ‘Well, it’s funny you say that because while he was tryin’ to read me, I was tryin’ to block it.”

Grant: “Well, that’s exactly when it happened was when he was asking you those questions you didn’t wanna answer but it only happened when it seemed like the conversation was getting intense.”

Jason interviews: “I asked Carroll a question that I really didn’t want him to have the answer for, to the point where it was gonna be hard for him to read me, and Grant picked up some strange thermal imaging camera – uh – images.”

Grant interviews: “It wasn’t subtle at all. It’s insane. It was coming from J. and it was almost like you could see that struggle, but hey, it’s just a theory. I’m not saying that’s what it was.”

TM:  Well, you have to admit it was a little peculiar.

MB:  Yeah, but it’s Grant, and I wouldn’t believe Grant now if he told me the sun comes up in the east.

TM:  It’s that over?

MB:  Yep.  Finito.  You were right all along.

THE ANALYSIS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

SATURDAY 8:15 AM

So they’re back at the Crescent Hotel, which they supposedly left yesterday.

Steve interviews: “We’re getting ready to analyze the evidence for Carroll’s house. We have a lot of work to do, and a little time to do it, so we’re gonna start now and – uh – get through it.”

TM:  That’s good to know.  Because I thought they weren’t.

MB:  The editors of Ghost Hunters must have terrible dreams at night.

TM:  Do you think they will go to hell for it?

MB:  Don’t be silly.

TM:  Purgatory?

MB:  They’re already in purgatory.  So are we.  Let’s get this done, please.

The three analyzers look exactly the way they did when they were analyzing the Crescent Hotel evidence.

Steve: “Dave, all set?

Dustin and Dave nod.

They look at some footage of orbs.

Steve: “Now there’s those two, but what about that first one? It’s pretty bright.”

Dustin: “The first one is pretty bright. It’s solid.”

Steve: “I vote dust.”

Dustin: “Agreed.”

Dave: “Agreed.”

Dave interviews: “We had a lot to go through but we got a few things that was definitely worth all the wait.”

Steve: “Jason and Grant mentioned that when they were talking to Carroll some weird stuff was going on with the thermal so I wanna check that out.”

Dustin interviews: “The thermal cam seemed worth its weight in gold this time around.”

Steve: “Crazy colors – check this out.”

Dave: “Wow.”

Steve: “This doesn’t read energy, this reads heat but then energy is heat, and maybe his body’s just gettin’ hotter and…”

Dustin: “That’s crazy.”

Steve: “Jason is sitting adjacent to him. The Jason one is the craziest ‘cause the energy starts to rise, starts to build off of him.”

Dustin: “Whoa. What is that?”

Steve: “Whoa. That has gone crazy. It’s pretty weird.”

Dustin: “I don’t know, man. That’ll make you think.

Dave: “Haaaaa. That’s – that’s weird.” He shudders.

TM:  This is like watching Bob and Doug do scientific analysis.

MB:  Or Bill and Ted.

TM:  Heckle and Jeckle.

MB:  Uncle.

TM:  The professor and Mary Anne.

MB:  I said

Steve interviews: “I’ve never seen thermal footage like that that we recorded at Carroll’s house. I’ve never seen it in regards to working with a sensitive or a psychic, and I think it might lend a little more credibility to the spiritual side of paranormal investigation.”

TM:  Sure, it will, Steve.  Especially in conjunction with the thermal footage of the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

THE FINDINGS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

MONDAY 11:45 AM

Jason and Grant come to the peons’ room, just like they did before in the first part.

MB:  That’s spooky.

TM:  I thought they left the Crescent Hotel.

MB:  Ssh.  The editors forgot.  And they have enough problems.

Jason: “Hey, guys. What’s goin’ on?”

Grant: “Let us see what we got, man.”

Steve: “The thermal – uh – the Dr. Ellis house.”

Jason: “All right.”

Steve: “Of you and Carroll.”

Grant: “Yeah, I’d love for him to see that. I was stuck in that chair. It was like I was watching a Hendrix video.”

Steve: “So J., this is where you’re being read by Carroll.”

Jason: “Okay.”

Steve: “Now watch it. The thermal image grows off of you toward Carroll.”

Grant: “That’s why I panned it across.”

Steve: “You follow it, some kind of light – here it comes.”

Jason: “What the heck?”

MB:  I don’t know.  I want to believe,  but I can’t.  What did you say about Grant’s thumb?

TM:  Stephen of The Skeptical Viewer points out that the psychedelia only occurs when Grant’s holding the camera, so he suspects it’s Grant’s sticky fingers right next to the lens.

MB:  For crying out loud – are we supposed to believe they screwed up this badly two times in a row by accident?

TM:  I’d prefer to think that than that they’re smart enough to do it on purpose.

MB:  Oh, right.  I forgot.  Grant’s version of a high-tech hoax involves string.

Jason interviews: “After viewing the thermal footage of when me and Carroll were sitting downstairs talking, I had no idea. I had no response. Uh – that’s – that’s different but you know, I’m not gonna draw any conclusions yet.”

Grant interviews: “I’m glad J. finally got to see it today and really understand what I was seeing.”

Steve: “Now watch Carroll. As soon as he moves his hand, he kind of wipes it away.”

In the footage, Carroll raises a hand and lowers it, and with that, the vibrating rainbow whisks back off into the ether. It’s like magic.

Jason frowns.

Grant interviews: “When Jason saw the footage, I think it had an impact on him to see something actually generating from around his area and span across the room. I think Jason is a little confused by it.”

MB:  Okay, now I’m wondering if Grant thinks Jason is a moron.

TM:  Dollars to doughnuts. Although in a perfect world it really should be doughnuts to dollars.

Jason interviews: “This case isn’t anything like any case we’ve ever worked on.”

Grant: “We don’t pretend to have equipment that’s specifically designed to pick up psychic energy, so maybe Carroll’s haunted, and not his house.”

MB:  Carroll is haunted by a ghant.

TM:   Grost.

Behind him, Dave lifts an eyebrow and nods.

THE REVEAL

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

TUESDAY 5:31 PM

In the van on the way back to Carroll’s house:

Jason: “Uh – what do you think about his psychic abilities?”

Grant: “We went there to see if the house was haunted and what we do have is some weird footage when had was tryin’ to read you. I don’t want to say that that’s proof because I don’t know what that means, but we have to show him.

Jason: “I am wonderin’ if when he sees that footage if he’s gonna toot his own horn.”

And with the milk of human kindness flowing as always in his veins, Jason goes to ring the doorbell.

Jason: “Hey, Carroll.

Carroll: “Just come sit down.”

Jason: “Thank you.”

Grant: “Well, Carroll, it’s good to see you again. How’ve you been the last couple days?”

Carroll: “Fine.”

Grant: “Any new activity in the house?”

Carroll: “Yes. Our unseen friends are really interested – ‘what are you doing with all this equipment and stuff in here?’” He chuckles.

Jason: “We’d like to show you some footage that we caught with the thermal imaging camera downstairs during the time that – uh – I asked you to give me a reading.”

Grant: “Keep in mind that this does not measure light, does not measure energy. It only measures heat. Now here it just goes psychedelic.”

Carroll: “That’s fascinating.”

Grant: “Take from it what you will. I don’t know what it is. At this point you were reading Jason and he was not wanting you to.”

Carroll laughs.

Jason: “Even though I was asking you to give me a reading, I was also trying to keep you from giving me a reading because my story has always been my story. I have always wanted to keep that private.”

Carroll: “We all have things that we would rather not have revealed.”

MB:  SO SO TRUE!

Grant: “So – uh – just watch what happens. It’s kinda interesting.”

Carroll: “Whoop. Ah!”

Grant: “J. launches a missile at ya.”

Carroll: “Ah, yes.”

Grant: “We use thermal quite a bit. We did not expect to find this, don’t know what it means, so I don’t wanna read too much into it, but it’s an anomaly that we can’t explain.”

Jason: “What would you think?”

Carroll: “There’s an awfully high level of energy obviously, either from me or from our unseen friends.”

Carroll interviews: “I don’t think Jason was getting tension or nervous. His curiosity was generating a lot of energy, and I was sending him energy, and reading energy at the same time. The thermal footage just validates what we mediums do. Our – our aura, as we call it around us, our energy will change color, so the thermal imaging is very good proof of that.”

Grant: We got something weird. What it was, I don’t know.”

Jason: “Just wanted to stop by, show you this and tell ya we really appreciate you havin’ us out. It was a pleasure.”

Carroll: “It’s been a real pleasure, Jason.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Shaking of hands.

Grant: “Keep in touch, okay?”

Carroll interviews: “It’s an incredible thing that TAPS is doing. It helps to sell the general public on the fact that what we mediums do is real and that there is another side that communicates with us.”

TM:  Incredible is the word.

MB:  Poor Carroll.

TM:  Eh, I don’t think the weasel can do much harm to ol’ Carroll.

In the car:

Jason: “So that didn’t go too bad.”

Grant: “I was impressed with Carroll. I thought he was going to snatch that evidence and claim it but he really didn’t. He was like us. He didn’t know what to make of it.”

Jason: “We have a good day and a half ride out of this, man. Get back to Rhode Island, you know. Well, lay back, sleep a little, ‘cause I’m makin’ you drive some point on this trip.”

Grant: “All right. Fair enough.”

The black TAPS SUV tootles along out of the Ozarks, off to new horizons ripe for hornswoggling.

MB:  Gah.

TM:  Feel better?

MB:  No.

TM: At least we finished the episode.

MB: There’s that.

TM:  Happy Halloween!

MB:  Right.

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7 Responses to “Holy Grail, Holy Crap II”

  1. Stephen Says:

    The Talking Mongoose is back! Great writeup; it’s like Mystery Pseudoscience Theater.

  2. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    Mystery Pseudoscience Theater – you may have said the magic words I can use to get Mme. B. to do the St. Augustine lighthouse episode, or maybe the Manson murder house with the fabulous K-2 meters. She’s gotten awfully cranky since the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum and Fort Delaware, but she likes Crow T. Robot.

  3. Stephen Says:

    In the not-too-distant future
    Next Wednesday, 8-east…
    There was a lonely Ouija Board
    thetalkingmongoose and Mme. B…

    They watched some guys named Grant and Jay
    Just some plumbers who made paranormal pay
    They did a great job writing up the ‘sodes
    Until the morons did some mischief that would make their heads explode!

    (OUIJA ROLL CALL)
    Talking Mongoose! (Hi Gef!)
    Mme. Blahblatsky! (Ghant!)
    GOWROOOW!

    If you’re wondering how they made that move
    And other ghostly facts
    Just repeat to yourself “It’s done with string,
    I should really just relax!”

  4. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    Heh – Mme. B. is currently busy trying to set that to the Rawhide theme song. I’m going to dig up the dvd box of Season 2 Part 2 and leave it out someplace obvious. We shall see what happens.

  5. Stephen Says:

    Sorry, my bad! I meant to say, “To the tune of the Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

    Otherwise I’d have done something like:

    Hoaxin’, hoaxin’, hoaxin…

  6. CLC Says:

    I’m so glad that you two are back, watching these episodes and commenting. It renews my faith in human kind that had been previously wiped out by Jason and Ghants shenanigans. Thank you and please do more!?

  7. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    Aren’t you nice? I’ll tell Mme. B. She has reluctantly agree to do another, so stop back in – uh – well, less than a year. Maybe even this year!

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