A Paranormal Bedlam, Act III

Previously, we went on an exciting investigation with “Ghost Hunters” at the former Weston State Hospital, now renamed the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum by its charming owner, asbestos heiress and mud bog racing enthusiast Rebecca Jordan, who is also, by some incredible coincidence, a lunatic. During the night, wild and crazy things happened. Strange voices were heard, mysterious footsteps were chased, orbs and shadows darted about, Jason and Grant saw a backwards-jetting apparition, and none of this was visible or audible to us. So – not completely convincing, but lively. Also, four out of seven TAPS members qualified for NAMI rehab boot camp.

Disclaimer: The quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who should be looking over their shoulders for the imminent arrival of the NAMI goon squad after these loathsome production and editing choices, and also for the wheels of karma, which can pack a really good wallop.

Now’s the time for all that vaunted TAPS scientifical methodology to show us why they are so much better than all those other paranormal groups “out there.” Because it’s evidence analysis time.





TAPS is staying at some hideous “post-modern” chain hotel which evidently didn’t give them a good enough rate to warrant having their name prominently displayed.

Steve, Dave and Joe and their equipment are spread out at a large table in a function room, instead of being jammed around a desk in a guest room.

MB: Which makes that signless shot of the hotel more perplexing.

TM: Don’t you know, they wanted everything comped, including an all-you-can-eat breakfast, and didn’t get it. Payback, bitches!

Steve interviews: “Today, Tango and I have Joe Chin with us and I’m gonna offer him some training and try to get him up to speed on how to review the evidence. We’re gonna start him off light on audio.”

TM: Heh – start him off light with audio.

MB: Watching videos of nothing is hard.

Steve in scene: “Now, Joe – uh – when you’re listening to the audio you wanna get yourself used to all the noises you’re hearing, you wanna get yourself used to what investigators are in the room. An – anything you can ever think of that you hear that doesn’t sound like it fits, make note of it. Okay?”

Joe has been nodding: “Okay.” Yeah, this is really complicated, but Joe is strong, and shows no sign of breaking under the pressure.

Steve straightens a bunch of papers. Dave is already wearing his earphones. Time passes. There are a lot of fades of the guys as they shift around and stare at monitors. Joe concentrates hard on his earphones. Finally Dave has a reason to tap Steve on the shoulder.

Dave: “Steve?”

Steve: “Yeah, Tango?”

Dave: “Um. Now – (he removes his earphones) this is J. and Grant with the thermal. They’re looking down a hallway and they kinda fixate on this like – kinda like they’re – almost you see two globs but they – and then they just turn around. So I don’t know if they really saw something or maybe they didn’t even know but it seemed like they were fixating on it.”

Steve: “Well, they definitely stop on it.”

Joe is watching the drama next to him. Steve notices.

Steve: “You’ve got audio to listen to, brother.”

Dave is still looking intently at the non-event on the thermal. Joe starts to laugh.

Steve: “Oh yeah – it must just be people down there. That must be why they didn’t say anything to us about it.”

Dave: “Probably.”

Steve: “See that. If you’d just watched another twenty seconds of the tape you would have figured it out.”

Dave: “You’re gonna hassle me?”

Steve: “I’m just sayin’.”

Dave: “You’re gonna hassle me?”

Steve: “You wouldn’t have to bring it to me if you would just watch an extra twenty seconds.”

MB: My goodness – that was just a re-enactment of nothing, wasn’t it?

TM: Yeah. I think they’re getting better at it.

More time passes.

Dave: “Hey, Steve. Uh – that was weird. Um. Remember J. and Grant – they heard supposedly laughing.”

Steve: “Right.”

Dave: “And stuff like that – uh – uh – I was listening to it and I heard it.”

Steve puts on Dave’s earphones.

Steve: “Yeah. Wow. Might have something.”

Dave nods.





1:00 PM

The gang assembles in the hotel function room to get the news from the salt mines. Kristyn is mysteriously missing.

Jason: “Hey.”

Grant: “Hey hey hey. This place was crazy. I mean J. and I had probably a solid hour of just interesting experiences so hopefully we caught somethin’.”

Steve: “What’s interesting is a lot of the audio we heard we’re able to find stuff to back it up.”

Grant: “Perfect.”

Jason: “Awesome. So what do we startin’ off with?”

Jason is wearing the new TAPS television red – royal blue!

MB: He looks better in blue.

TM: What happened to “vile little man?”

MB: He’s a vile little man who looks better in blue. I mean, if I have to watch him.

TM: You don’t.

MB: Ha. I do.

Steve: “Well, guys – you know Tango and I at one point we were gonna leave the Forensics area where the – Charles Manson was – you remember the – the part where they housed all the women for a while. We’re getting ready to sorta hit another part of the building and all of a sudden Tango and I heard a – a tremendous amount of movement and – uh – we did capture a – a bit of those sounds from that.”

Grant: “Perfect.”

Jason: “Sweet.”

Steve: “I’d like you guys to take a look at this.”

Jason: “Absolutely.”

On film, we see Dave and Steve freezing again at whatever noise it was they heard, and Steve points to himself pointing.

Grant, who doesn’t have some stupid sound guy controlling his soundtrack, gets to hear the noise, apparently: “Boom, boom, yeah.”

Jason watches, with his arms folded.

Steve: “And there was other times – uh – one time – uh – Tango and I, we were in the Forensics Building once again in the area where all the women were housed and – uh – we were talkin’ to each other and we heard – uh – a distinct female voice laughing, and it sounded like it was coming from within the room, and – uh – so I sent Tango out to debunk it. He didn’t hear anything.

Jason: “So what about this laugh that you guys caught?”

Steve remotes to another part of the footage. Now we get a useful split-screen of Jason’s non-reaction to what we’re seeing, in this case Steve and Dave looking dumb as they listen to that alleged ghostly laughter.

Grant: “I heard a few chuckles.”

Steve: “Yeah, it’s – right – exactly. It’s not very loud here – uh – but when we were there it really sounded like it was in – in our…”

Dave: “In the same room.”

Steve: ‘In the same room.”

Dave nods vigorously.

Jason: “I dunno if it’s a laughter or a hello.” Stuttering: “It – it definitely – you can hear it.”

Grant: “Three syllables – dunh dunh dunh.”

Jason: “Grant and I were in the Civil War part of the main building.”

Steve: “Yep, uh – you guys were running a – a digital recorder at that time. You wanna fire that up for ‘em, Tango? Here.”

We see footage of Jason and Grant hearing a voice in the main building.

Jason: “The thing is you hear it – it really sounds like it – it’s just coming from everywhere and it – it was one of those voices that make all the hair on the back of your neck stand up.”

Steve, chuckling: “Yeah. It wouldn’t be hard in that place.”

Grant: “What I find interesting kind of psychology behind it is we weren’t getting anything until we asked this entity to let us into its world – go ahead and mess with our heads, and then all this stuff started happenin’ and messed with our heads.” He laughs.

Steve: “Now, guys – uh – at one point you actually heard laughing. It’s sorta similar to what Tango and I heard.”

Jason: “Sounded like it was right between Grant and I.”

TM: Well. There you go. Now he can’t say “me,” poor guy.

MB: Really unclear on the concept.

Grant: “That was jarring.”

Jason: “And there was like a foot and a half between us.”

Steve: “Well, well – we got that, too, and this comes out pretty good. We’ll let you take a listen to it.”

What sounds like a high-pitched voice or laugh is played.

Jason: “Yeah, you know I don’t know if it was a laugh or a sentence or whatever but it definitely – it sounds female. It sounds like a female voice.”

The group agrees.

Grant: “Voices don’t just come out of nowhere. I mean there’s gotta be somethin’ goin’ on there. Well, at one point – uh – down near the Civil War area we were looking down the hallway and had the camera pointed and we saw a bright ball of light go by.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “I really don’t know if the camera was able to see that far.”

MB: Orb.

TM: Where?

MB: That’s what we’re waiting to see. An honest-to-god orb. Finally.

Jason: “Now did we catch any video or thermal or anything?”

Steve: “Yeah, we – we didn’t see anything that was – uh – anomalous. We looked very hard for things that were shadow-like but don’t see it on the video, unfortunately.”

Grant sighs with despair: “All right.”

TM: No orb?

MB: Yeah, that’s not happening. Surprise.

Steve: “Now guys – uh – you know Joe Chin is here helping us analyze and this is really his – his first – uh – case where he’s – he’s analyzed evidence with us and – uh – gave him some…”

Grant: “Fun, huh?”

Joe: “Yes. At least.”

Grant: “Perfect.”

There is general chortling.

MB: I will never get over the weirdness of how they delegate here. If you’re going to be a ghost hunter, there’s very little actual work involved. So to abdicate completely from half of it –

TM: I’m sure Jason and Grant did plenty of “evidence analysis” in their day. Actually, they probably do it now, especially when they’re claiming they saw orbs and apparitions and all, but they don’t want us to know they are so uncool as to do their own donkey work.

MB: But that’s just stupid.

TM: And that doesn’t fit the TAPS scenario how?

MB: Oh.

Steve: “But he did bring some things to me that were – were pretty startling so I wanna play those clips for you guys. It – it comes from the Stretcher Room, and on the DVR we actually have the same room and – uh – the entrance and there’s nobody around at the same time that this sound happens.”

We hear a nondescript bang.

Dave: “There’s nothing before or after.”

Another bang sounds.

Grant: “Oh wow. Okay. That sounds like a – almost a door.”

Steve: Yeah, right, exactly. It sounds like a door hitting a jamb and – uh – you know, we – we have the video and there’s nothing. We do have a – a – another audio clip to play for you. Okay, this is in the Civil War section. It’s one of the – uh – recorders that were set down left – uh – left alone, and it’s so obvious and so loud and so distinct, I wanted to play it for you guys.”

There’s a loud exhale of breath, seemingly right into the microphone. Grant’s eyes pop. There is general nervous laughter.

Jason: “That’s gotta be one of the creepiest breaths I’ve ever heard.

Grant has on his twisted WTF face, well-known from the opening credits.


TM: How can ghosts exhale?

MB: I don’t know. I tape-recorded one sneezing. You wouldn’t think breathing would be a part of their standard repertoire, but it is.

TM: Hooey. That’s what it is. Or ghosts are deeply disturbed.

MB: Hello? That’s why they’re ghosts? Speaking of hooey, for all the stuff that they were babbling about during the investigation, the “evidence” was awfully sparse.

TM: Three indeterminate noises and someone exhaling into the microphone – what more do you want? Perhaps they’re saving it for the velociraptor.





Jason: “Hey, Rebecca. It’s good to see you again.”

Rebecca: “Hey, you too. Thank you, guys.”

Today Rebecca is wearing a periwinkle blue turtleneck and black vest. Jason is still in his royal blue.

MB: Blue is definitely the new red.

TM: We’re in munchkin land.

Grant: “How ya been? All right?”

Rebecca: Oh, fantastic! Very excited about the reveal.”

Grant: “Some of the things that you had mentioned that people experienced were everything from sounds and shadows to getting dragged down and across a room.”

Rebecca: “Yes.”

Grant: “Uh – chairs moving, doors, you name it.”

Rebecca: “Yeah, we’ve had a lot of activity here.”

Grant: “Exactly, and – uh – we were down in the – uh – you know – Civil War area and – uh – J. started saying if you’re crazy, go ahead and welcome us into your world, you know – play with our head.”

TM: Grant was using that line.

MB: And now he doesn’t want to own it. Even though it worked.

TM: Or because it worked.

MB: Anything might have worked. They could have recited the Gettysburg Address and gotten even more reaction. Who knows? They don’t. Idiots. Did they try anything else?

TM: I’m not arguing with you.

MB: I want them all to spend a day in a mental hospital, and then come out and try to believe the “insane” world is all that different from their stupid TAPS world. Idiots.

TM: Cookie?

MB: What kind?

TM: Peanut butter.

MB: Thank you.

Jason: “And throughout the time that Grant and I did this, there were a few little personal experiences that happened. At one point at the end of the hallway a light appeared to go from – uh – the right side to the left side. We headed down there. There was nobody there.”

Rebecca: “Well, that’s interesting.”

TM: Her eyes! It’s her eyes that scare me.

Grant: “Mm hmm and – uh – it got to the point where we finally said, you know what, there are other people…”
Jason: “Yeah – ha, go harass them.”

Rebecca laughs.

Grant: “Yeah, that you can harass and – uh – right about that time is when Steve and – and Dave Tango who were in the Forensics Building started getting activity over there.”

Rebecca: “That’s absolutely amazing. It’s almost like they heard you and listened.”

Grant: “Well, that’s – that’s sign of an intelligent haunting. Now what happened is we started hearing a bunch of noises so we’ll show this to you.”

It’s the film clip of Steve and Dave freezing at the sound of a voice. Rebecca listens, grinning.

Rebecca: “That’s fantastic. I mean – oh my goodness!”

Jason: “Yeah, it was definitely startling.”

Rebecca: “I mean to be right there that close to it and have it like literally (she sweeps her ringlets back for a second time) makin’ itself known, wow.”

Jason: “So we decided to send Kris Williams and Kris Gartland down, and Kris Gartland saw what appeared to be a big black shadow mass that was right there and that seemed to disappear as fast as she’d seen it.”

Rebecca: “That’s amazing.”

Grant: “We were down in the – uh – near the Civil War area and – uh – J…”

Jason: “I saw what appeared to be a solid black – I don’t know if you want to call it a shadow or a mass but it did move, but when we got in, there was nothing there.”

Rebecca: “We’ve heard that – that people in the Civil War section – a lot of people have seen lots of shadows.”

Grant: “So it seemed like when we started to offer ourselves and our minds up to whatever might be here – uh – stuff started to happen. We had quite a few experiences.”

Jason: “At one point Grant and I were walking – uh – down near the end of the Civil War area…”

Grant: “As we walked in there, we turned to the right and two rooms down there was a figure.”

Jason: “Which the only thing we can explain it looked like was a man in a hospital-type robe.”

Rebecca has her eyebrows raised nearly to her scalp-line, with ringlets standing on end on top of her head.

Rebecca: “You’re kidding me!”

Jason: “It – it appeared that this thing leaned down and then it was almost like pulled out of the room.”

Rebecca: “Oh, that is amazing.”

Jason: “Well now we darted down that way to try to see if we were able to see where it was.”

Rebecca: “I would have ran in the wrong direction – the other direction. Ah ha ha ha.”

Jason: “That makes us different, ‘cause we headed down there and it was nowhere to be found.”

Grant: “The fact is that once it got pulled out of the room, it was a very unnatural movement and there was no sound afterwards, no footsteps or anything.”

Rebecca: “Yeah, no one was running at – it was just sucked out.”

Jason: “No running, there was nothing.”

Grant: “Uh – we kept continuing investigating the area.”

Jason: “We got – I can only explain as a strange sound like a voice.”

Grant: “We had a recorder with us and – uh – it caught it so…”

Jason: “So.”

Rebecca: “Oh, fantastic.”

Grant: “We’ll actually play it for you and let you hear it. Okay, here we go.”

Rebecca looks confused. “It’s like ‘Go home?’”

Grant: You know, I’m – I’m gonna play just that bit.”

Jason: “Yeah, go ahead.”

Rebecca: “It sure does sound like ‘go home.’”

MB: It sounds like “Go home” if a duck were saying it, maybe.

TM: Yeah, I’m not really getting this.

Grant: “Just the fact that we have it is enough.”

Rebecca: “It’s amazing, yeah.”

MB: Hey, they changed the rules.

TM: Where’s the smoke monster? You can’t break the rules if you don’t have any.

MB: They pretended they did.

TM: Silly! So not the same thing.

MB: So TAPS doesn’t have to prove anything anymore?

TM: No! They don’t! Because they are them!. Er, they! They are TAPS!

Jason: “Now after that we heard another sound that we were able to catch as well, so we’ll play that for you right now.”

Some other noise is played.

Jason: “You hear that?”

Rebecca: “Yeah, that sounded like a little kid.”

Jason: “It sound- yeah, it sounded like a girl to – to myself.”


TM: He can’t do it. His brain will explode.

Jason: “The strange thing about this sound is Grant was about two feet behind me but the sound came from directly between Grant and myself.”

Jason: “It was startling! It was – uh – pretty shocking.”

Rebecca: “I bet it was!”

MB: If you could hear it, it probably was!

TM: But we couldn’t, so rats!

Grant: “While they were reviewing the audio – um – in the area of the Stretcher Room, they came across a – a sound, a loud sound that came our of nowhere. Okay, here is the camera set up in the Stretcher Room as you can see – stretcher. Okay, here we go.”

There’s a bang.

Jason: “You hear that?”

Rebecca: “Uh huh.”

Jason: “That’s a bang. There’s no door closed. Nothing fell.”

Grant: “There were no footsteps leading up to it, no more footsteps leading out.”

Rebecca: “Yeah!”

Jason: “So we just ended up with this phantom – bang.”

Rebecca: “Bang. Hunh!”

Jason: “That came out of nowhere. Now Grant and I decided that when we were walking through the Civil War area, that we’d put a digital recorder down on a window sill right where Grant and I heard what – that – what sounded like that laugh – that female voice.”

Rebecca: “In between you guys, right?”

Jason: “Exactly.”

The loud exhale is played.

Rebecca: “You’re kidding me!”

Jason, with big grin: “Not kiddin’ you. Now…”

Grant: “It’s a little disturbing.”

Jason: “Now one thing I…”

Rebecca: “Oh my god!

Jason: “One thing I will say that I didn’t hear until this point is just before that you get almost as if somebody’s getting closer to it. The problem is they’re not walking.”

Rebecca: “Wow?” She laughs. “That’s amazing!”

TM: Okay, enough with the amazing’s. That’s at least four. Let’s move on to “incredible” and “unbelievable” and “yowza!”

Jason: “Do you have any questions for us?”

Rebecca: “Well, do you think it’s safe to wander around the hospital?”

Grant: “This is something we wanted to talk to you about. While we do have evidence, it’s – it’s evidence of something that most likely is intelligent that’s still here, okay? And intelligent hauntings, people believe it is the spirit of someone who was once alive who is actively trying to communicate with you, so you’ll see it, you’ll hear it, and it can move things and touch things, and keep that in mind when doing tours and things like that that you don’t want to be continually calling on this thing and getting it – it’s a person. It just…”

Rebecca: “Mm-hmm.”

Grant: “Doesn’t have a body.”

Rebecca: “We aren’t trying to stir it up. All of our – our tours are historic tours. So with – I mean – everything that you guys have seen – the voices, the apparitions, the – the black shadows, do you think it’s haunted?”

Jason: “Through what I’ve seen over the investigation and all the personal experiences that were gathered here, all the evidence – uh – I do believe that the – the place is haunted.”

Grant: “I gotta say, you do the math in this situation – uh – I have to agree with J. I think this place is haunted.”

Rebecca: “That’s cool. Woo-ooh.” She laughs merrily. She needs to brush some feathers off her mouth.

Jason: “I would love the opportunity to come back and investigate this place real soon.”

Rebecca: “Oh, I’d love to have you.”

Jason: “All right.”

Rebecca: “Sounds great.”

Jason: “Thank you very much.”

Rebecca: “Thank you. I appreciate it, guys.”

Rebecca’s last words: “I’m very happy that we called in TAPS. I would say the most impressive piece of evidence was the – the very strong breath into the microphone. I just think it’s amazing. Uh – I believe that – uh – this is gonna have me roamin’ the halls waiting for an experience myself.”

TM: That will clear the ghosts right out.

Meanwhile, out in the car,

Jason: “Hey, I think that went good, man.”

Grant: “I really think it did. I think the evidence spike for itself and I think that she was blown away by it, and I think we got out points across about how to be careful, you know.”

Jason: “Yeah, she was definitely excited by – uh – what she saw and heard.”

Grant: “To me, it’s – it’s good to see that she’s excited, not afraid of it but also – you know – we wanna make sure that she’s not so excited that – you know – she ends up bringing people in there who aren’t ready and things like that.”

Jason: “No, exactly.”

Grant: “So.”

Jason: “So. All in all, I think it was a great building, a great investigation, we got some awesome evidence, and – uh – I look forward to gettin’ back there someday soon. Until next time.”

They bump fists.

MB: If this is the future, I want to stay in the past.

TM: It’s not the future. It’s the present. The velociraptor and TAPS have joined forces to present the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum as a fabulous tourist attraction. The mud bog races are a side line.

MB: We’re going to have to talk.

TM: Cookie?


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9 Responses to “A Paranormal Bedlam, Act III”

  1. Hallie Says:

    I absolutely love GH, but I have to agree with you about the ludicrous pronoun usage. I’m an English teacher, and it physically hurts me to listen. I don’t get what the big mystery is either. The rules regarding subject, object, and reflexive pronoun usage are clear and finite. Their English overall leaves something to be desired. I even messaged Jay once to ask him to please tell the TAPS family that the word is “supposedly” not “supposably” (mixed in with a ton of praise for the show like medicine hidden in dog food). Anyway, I just happened to come across your blog, and I definitely plan to read more. Thanks for the funny commentary.

  2. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    “Supposably.” HA! Missed that one! Thank *you*!

  3. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    Ms. Hallie:

    The Talking Mongoose can get all giddy about “supposably” because the Talking Mongoose doesn’t do the transcribing. I, Mme. Blahblatsky, on the other hand, am mortified that I possibly missed this. Which episodes? Tell me please. I love that you sent Mr. Hawes a billet-doux with a grammar lesson mixed in. I don’t think it will work, but I love that you tried.

    Regards, Mme. B.

  4. Hallie Says:

    Well, I haven’t had much time to go back through the episodes, but I found a “supposably” courtesy of Steve in the episode featuring Domani’s restaurant (in Jersey). During the ever-so-important explanation of camera placement, he points out that one camera is fixed on the glasses that “supposably” swing. I’m sure I’ll have no problem finding more as this was the very first episode that I reviewed on DVR.

    Your job is far too difficult; perhaps rather than missing this faux pas, your brain just chose not to acknowledge it in order to allow continued functioning. Brian alone could cause a complete mental breakdown for the average transcriber.

  5. Storymint Says:

    Only last night I was sitting at the Algonquin Hotel, famed home of many sharply witty ghosts, discussing why on earth TAPS had so many EVPs of ghosts breathing. I was glad to find today that I am not the only person pondering the issue, or, for that matter, wasting so many hours watching Ghost Hunters so avidly.

    Mme. B and TM, I feel that by not finding this blog until today I have missed eight months of sheer brillliance. I can only hope that you will be resuming (even without benefit of the Sci Fi Channel) when the next season begins.

  6. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    I am trying to lure Mme. B. back to work by dangling shiny jingly things in front of her. “Sheer brilliance” ought to help. So ta, much. You are too kind.

    Do not think of all those hours as wasted. We are, instead, considering the darkest mysteries of human existence. That’s what I tell myself when I’m watching “Hell’s Kitchen,” too, though. And “Australia’s Next Top Model.” So – eh – at least we’re not out knocking over liquor stores.

  7. Storymint Says:

    Yes, we are all considering the darkest mysteries of human existence, and for all we know, the darkest mysteries may be pondering us with equal puzzlement. (i.e., We keep trying to send them messages in Morse code by breathing into their recorders, don’t they get it?) I suspect Australia’s Next Hot Model probably has something to offer on the subject of dark mysteries, if only someone would ask.

    Looking forward to future installments when Mme. B feels up to it!

  8. thetalkingmongoose Says:

    You sound positively Charles Fortean, Storymint. Or Lovecraftian. Or both.

    Your mention of the Algonquin made me get out Thurber and reread my favorite ghost story. I’m starting to feel quite cheerful.

    God bless you.

    Mme. B.

  9. contraryMary Says:

    Oh, their grammer! Beside the “me and Grant” and the “supposedbly” Grant has also busted out the always fun “irregardless” on occasion. I do love GH and have always enjoyed watching but, their wanton use of grammer is wearing thin. Also Kris is annoying. LOVE your website, have been reading and laughing for hours! thank you so much!!!

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