The Myrtles

Mme. Blahblatsky here doing the recarp. The Talking Mongoose is still perking like an old coffee pot about the first season of the quasi-reality show “Ghost Hunters,” and will join me later for a Ouija session. For now, I’m on my own with the first episode of the second season, and it’s just as well. The Myrtles holds a special place in my heart. If you’ve spent any time reading up on ghosts in America in the past several decades, you must have heard of the Myrtles.

I’m not such a fan of “Ghost Hunters” as I was before I started this blog a mere two months ago. Now it’s more like a sick fascination. I can’t stop watching and taking notes. It is such a watery stew of incoherent speech, inaction, and irresolution that occasional lumps of carrot give greater pleasure than they should.

Anyway, I was both delighted and appalled to realize TAPS had gone to the Myrtles. What havoc would they wreak with the Louisiana mansion of my imagination? Eh, well, it’s TAPS, so – not so much. They just managed to make it sort of dull.

Disclaimer: All the astoundingly stultifying dialogue I have kindly transcribed for no pecuniary consideration whatsoever belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

The narrator announces big doings at The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS gets a new headquarters, and new faces, but as TAPS moves ahead, will Brian be left behind? And then Jason and Grant head deep into the bayous, but will they be ready for what awaits?”

CREDITS – are same as last season, except – no twin demonologists! That is not a good omen. I already miss Carl and Keith. No Andy Andrews. And two new women – PAULA RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, and KRISTYN FIELD INVESTIGATOR. Nobody gets last names in the credits. I guess that would confuse us, because we aren’t very bright.

Opening shot of Warwick City Hall, and a street banner of Historic Apponaug Village. Warwick seems pretty interesting. Why don’t we ever get to hunt ghosts in Warwick?

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

It’s winter, because there are three-foot high snowbanks in front of a small one-story brick storefront. Two guys in hooded parkas are shuffling along the sidewalk. It’s Jason and Grant, who, with the success of the first season of Ghost Hunters and the complaints of the neighbors spurring them on, have moved The Atlantic Paranormal Society out of the mini-construction trailer parked on Jason’s front lawn.

Jason in voice-over: “My name is Jason Hawes and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. I’m the founder of TAPS, the Atlantic Paranormal Society. I started it back in 1990 after having my own paranormal experience. TAPS was also designed to help the people who believe they’re having a paranormal situation. We’re here to help out whoever needs us.”

Unless, of course, you’re seriously crazy, in which case you’d better hope your friends and relatives have your best interests at heart and don’t go inviting TAPS in to exploit your craziness.

Jason unlocks the front door of the new office space. Inside, there are dust covers over some furniture. They need to get organized. They’ve got to get it done because cases are waiting, impatiently. People all over the country are desperately waiting for TAPS to come and debunk their paranormal situations.

Grant in voice-over: “I’m Grant Wilson, and I’m a plumber for Roto-Rooter. TAPS was created because – uh – Jason and I both had very personal separate paranormal experiences and that left us looking for answers. In my personal search for answers they just weren’t out there. I wasn’t satisfied with what was out there. So J. and I hooked up. We felt there wasn’t a group like this out there.”

Jason: “What makes us so much different than most of the other groups out there is that we’re going to case to try to disprove a haunting.”

Also, there is that film crew they lug around with them.

They fiddle with the plastic covers, but they don’t actually do anything, because as co-founders and lead investigators of The Atlantic Paranormal Society, Mr. Hawes and Mr. Wilson are exempt from doing any of that petty mindless work. That’s what the flunkeys are for.

But now there’s something fun to do – a new black van sits in the parking lot out back. Jason has big plans for it. He wants to get it outfitted to hold all their ghost-hunting equipment, so they don’t have to waste time setting up and breaking down at every place. Great! Watching that was not fun. Jason and Grant go off in the van.

Meanwhile, Donna LaCroix is walking along the snowy sidewalk carrying an unhappy-looking potted plant. Several people follow her. She finds the storefront, which she apparently has never seen before in her life, and unlocks the door.

Donna: “Ah! Here it is! Oh, cool! This is awesome.”

The guys file in, uttering characteristic comments.

Brian Harnhois: “Sweet!”

Andy Andrews: “Ni-i-i-i-ce. Sure beats the trailer, huh?”

Steve Gonsalves: (silence)

Jason interviews: “We’re working out of a new office now, instead of having that 24 by 8 foot trailer we were using in the past. We definitely do have more space for the TAPS members to have a place to come. They can have their meetings, possibly even do some research.”

Research??? Possibly. Or not. Whatever. Just no unionizing allowed.

Donna directs the application of big red plastic lettering to the storefront window. TAPS is open for business. Except first the underlings have to paint the place. They get busy with rollers and a nice robin’s egg blue. There are four guys all working away in one room.

Andy, with needle-like precision, directs the painting party conversation to the great highlight of the first season of “Ghost Hunters.”

Andy: “Brian, out of all the cases last year, were you – were you seriously scared at any of them?”

Brian, as if the concept is new to him, and he must mull it over: “Seriously scared…”

Andy: “I mean were you seriously scared at any of ‘em.”

Brian, with his pants bursting into flame: “No, not really.”

Steve, who loves to whack Brian: “Bullshit. Then why did you run out of the penitentiary?”

The Great Run, aka Brian’s Bane, when Brian and cameraman Dave came charging out of Cell Block 4 at Eastern State Penitentiary so fast their feet barely touched the floor, is shown again. It kind of never gets old, and we’ve seen it dozens of times. It’s one of the few things that justifies continued hopes for this dishwater-dull program.

Brian wants to explain to us that his unprofessional behavior was just not his fault. “You gotta realize how with that penitentiary thing what Dave did to me.”

Steve, as usual, refuses to hand out slack. “What Dave did to you? You did it to yourself.”

Brian: “Yeah, I was standing there, he takes a picture, a black shadow comes out of one cell door right across the – the hallway to the other cell door. Of course I get a little startled. Freaks me out a little bit. Dave grabs me by the shoulder, screams like a schoolgirl, and runs away! So what the hell am I supposed to do?” (Brian’s accent is accented, either because I’m noticing it anew, or he’s more accented when he’s agitated (“pic-chah,” and “stahtled”). Can people unfamiliar with the American northeastern coastal accent understand him without closed captioning, I wonder? It doesn’t matter. Pilgrim Films isn’t about to shell out good money for the disabled this season either.)

The room groans.

Steve: “All right.”

Andy: “Oh, man!”

Brian persists. “Even Jason heard the scream.”

Elsewhere, Jason is taking Grant for a drive in the new van. They have an exciting new TAPS drama to reveal to us.

Grant: “We gotta figure out what we’re going to do about Brian.”

Jason: “Well, I did tell ya I caught him in a lie about blowing off the meetings, right?”

Grant: “Yeah, yeah.”

Jason: “Because my buddy hired him. He was workin’ for my buddy’s company, and he’s calling up people telling ‘em he can’t make it to the TAPS meeting because he’s supposed to go to work, and you know I talked to my buddy the next day and he’s like – ‘he never had to work.’”

Grant rubs his face: “Oh, man.”

Jason: “So now not just is he lying to us but his work is also believing that he’s – he’s lying to them.”

Grant: “You know all the other members are lookin’ at us and scratchin’ their head – why is he able to do this and stay on?”

Jason: “A lot of that’s my fault because me and Brian have been – you know- real close friends and everything else. Because of that I’ve given him a little more leeway than I – I give most people and – uh – in return I’m kinda kickin’ myself in the butt for it.”

Grant: “Lying is one of the smaller issues we have with him. You know? You’ve got the problem of just poor management of the equipment.”

Jason: “Things missing and so forth.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Just not being able to keep the professionalism up on the case. He apologizes and promises to change and that lasts for maybe a month.”

Jason: We’ve let Brian go three times prior to this for infractions that he – rules that he’s broken not once, that he’s broken numerous times. I think his days in TAPS are now numbered.”

Grant: “Gotcha.”

There’s a swell of ominous orchestral music. Jason has gotten to the “fool me four times and you’re dead” stage. Poor Brain. He loves TAPS so much, too. But this conflict will fill some up some long empty hours in the future, I bet.

Now they’re at Lyn/Lad Truck Equipment, Division of Lynn Ladder and Scaffolding Co., Inc. where they could get some siren loudspeakers installed on top of the van but instead are just getting some work benches.

Jason interviews: “Since the beginning of TAPS, me and Grant have sat around talking about how we’d really like to put together a mobile command unit and – uh – it’s looking like it’s finally possible that we’re able to do this.”

There’s a frenzied montage of drilling as shelving is installed to hold all the computer equipment and DVR’s that get taken along on the hunt. They’re going to be able to monitor everything they’re filming from inside the van, which means they can lock Brian Bell up and he can’t wander off looking for girls, unless he figures out how to work the door locks.

Jason: “This is really going to benefit us ‘cause it’s gonna have people outside monitoring what’s going on in the house and not having such a large group in a house.”

Grant looks forward to all the time saved that they can put to better use investigating. They can drive up and plug in, without all that tedious unpacking and setting up. Apparently he doesn’t care that this means even more time with people idly waiting around for something to happen, which means the budget for Cheetos is going to skyrocket.

Jason: “What do you think, man?”

Grant: “It’s friggin’ awesome.”

Jason: “Yeah? Well, I’m psyched, man.”

Grant: “This is awesome.”

Back to Rhode Island, where the snowbanks in the parking lot are five feet high. It must be February.

Jason and Grant sneak in the back door to make sure the chain gang is hard at work, but they are discovered, and in a stellar example of the Stockholm syndrome, the underlings greet them joyfully. Donna squeals with delight. “Welcome to TAPS headquarters!” There are cheers and hugs.

Grant notes that they have put pictures up on the wall. Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. has apparently donated large-size blow-ups of pictures used in the credits. There’s a tower from Eastern State Penitentiary, and a cemetery monument. Donna points out the exciting bulletin board, which has a picture of the Mishler Theatre on it for no understandable reason. They hated that place. The TAPS sign from the trailer is on one wall.

Where is the giant poster of Frank deAngelis lying supine on the floor with thermal imaging showing off the splendid contusions from the Armory ghost hitting him with his own equipment bag? I guess it isn’t quite as fabulous out of context. And maybe he was threatening to sue.

Jason interviews: “We’re definitely backlogged on cases and I think – uh – the whole team pulling together and getting this office all set is really going to help us. Um – this beats the heck out of being in a trailer.”

THE CALL

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

Wednesday 2:00 PM

Wow. Are they paying Donna to hang around the office all day to wait for phone calls? Or, more likely, did Donna make an appointment to receive a “phone call” at 2:00 on “Wednesday?” Whatever, there she is – sitting behind a desk just when the phone rings. And Donna is now CASE MANAGER, like Brian. Or maybe instead of Brian. Uh-oh. This must be connected to Brian’s days being numbered. Brian never exactly managed cases last season, unless reciting the pertinent details in a sputtered rush on camera is considered management. He was more like an emcee. ( A local high school beauty pageant emcee, not a national network gameshow emcee.)

There’s a white board on the wall behind Donna with New Orleans written on it. Also “Turtle Bay” which in 2005 was a bar, but in post-Katrina days has become a restaurant. Why do they have the name of a New Orleans bar on their white board?

Never mind. That phone is ringing.

Donna: “Hello. The Atlantic Paranormal Society. This is Donna.”

To her credit she doesn’t say “BOO!” or hum the theme from the Twilight Zone or giggle or do any of the unprofessional things I would be tempted to do after having to announce that I was representing “The Atlantic Paranormal Society.” No one is on the line, of course, but Donna carries on regardless. She’s a troopah.

Donna: “Yes, actually I’ve heard of Myrtles Plantation. I’m very familiar with the area. What do you have going on down there?”

Lordy. Who hasn’t heard of the Myrtles? It’s been billing itself as one of the most haunted houses in America since the 70’s.

Grant interviews: “Recently TAPS has been inundated with cases so we’ve really had to beef up our case management team. One of the people that’s really decided to step up to the plate is Donna and we’re glad because she’s got a lot of skills that are necessary for the job. She’s very good with working with people. People instantly feel comfortable around her. Um – she’s also very organized. She gets stuff done and does it well so we’re really glad that Donna stepped up and I’m sure she’ll do a great job.”

Donna promptly calls Jason. Jason is out driving around pretending to be a plumber so that he can take this call from his Roto-Rooter van.

Donna: “Listen to this. I just got a call from Hester, from Myrtles Plantation.”

Jason, not very good at evincing surprise: “The Myrtles Planta…? In New Orleans?”

Well, it’s over a hundred miles to the Myrtles from New Orleans, so that’s akin to saying TAPS is in Portland, Maine, but if you’re from Rhode Island, distances may be hard to judge. So, close enough.

Donna: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Jason: “Oh my god. Yeah, all right.” He’s in too much shock to give way to his feelings while he’s driving, and must reveal the import in an interview. First we need to be told about the uncanny similarities between the fields of plumbing and paranormal investigationm and listen to a product-placement oral billet-doux to their sponsor, Roto-Rooter.

Jason: “Roto-Rooter definitely gives us the opportunity to head out and help those people who believe that they have a paranormal situation. They’re really good about the time off. Plumbing is a problem-solving field. You’re being called in to try to understand what they’re saying is the problem, then diagnose the problem, and then fix the problem, and a lot of times that’s what you’re doing in the paranormal field as well. When Donna called me and told me that Myrtle Plantation had contacted us – uh – I was psyched. It’s one of the so-called most haunted locations in the United States. It’s every paranormal investigator’s dream to get there. We’ve always had the urge to there and try to debunk it. It looks like now we’re going to get our chance.”

We apparently must continue to endure the on-going Ghost Hunters fantasy that last season asked us to believe that the Coast Guard and the National Guard and the ghostchatter.com ladies et al. called TAPS asking for help, please help because they were so frightened they didn’t know what to doooooo.

Except this is the Myrtles. So they don’t need help. I’m not even sure they need publicity. The Myrtles was kind of a ground-breaker in using their ghosts to drum up business for what started out simply as a bed-and-breakfast business. But there is probably no such thing as too much publicity. A dreary little episode of Ghost Hunters is not going to hurt the reputation of the Myrtles, no matter what TAPS does or doesn’t find.

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

Thursday 3:35 PM

Jason, Grant and Brian enter a –whoa – conference room! With glass doors! Professional!

Brian: “What’s up?”

Jason, all brusque: “Shut the doors.”

Damn! Oh, no, the camera person manages to sneak in before the door closes.

Grant: “Have a seat.”

Jason interviews: “Brian’s a great kid. He’s got a big heart, but he has a tendency to screw up and – uh – do things that are totally against everything that TAPS believes.”

Note 1: Pilgrim Films has gotten all fancy this season, and uses voice-overs to apply parts of interviews to other scenes. The editors must have gotten a raise.

Note 2: Brian is now labeled TECH MANAGER.

Jason immediately lays into Brian for his dastardly betrayal of TAPS ethics.

Jason: “At this point you’re hurting everybody in TAPS. You’re hurting other TAPS family members and everything else so – um – I’ve given you more than enough lean (sic) way.”

Grant: Let’s face it – we’ve come to this point before, several times, and we figured you know what? Our hands are tied. Either we let him go or we give him the option to walk away.”

Jason: “You were gonna be let go. You were gonna be let go today.”

Grant: “But one thing we realized that up until this point that every promise and every agreement has been a handshake and a – just a verbal promise.”

Brian: “Uh-huh.”

Grant: “Now I’ve got a code of conduct and it lays out everything that includes a lot of stuff that you’ve done. Right here it says that violation of the code of conduct is considered just cause for TAPS to impose disciplinary action up to and including dismissal. Not fooling around.”

Jason: “This is – this is it. This is when I wash my hands of the whole situation.”

Grant: “This is the only way we’ll be able to – to keep you on this time. I’d like for you to take it, read it, sign it, but understand what you’re signing.”

Jason: “Read it, because if you screw it up, you’re done. That’s it. There’s no question about it.”

Brian: “Thanks.”

Grant: “Yup.”

They leave Brian in the conference room, staring at three sheets of 8-1/2 x 11 paper, with many many rules typed thereon. Unfortunately, the rules are indecipherable, but I imagine they include things like

Do not run out of buildings screaming.

Do not sell equipment on e-Bay and then claim it is “lost.”

Do not call in sick if you’re actually going bowling.

Do not question Jason.

Do not mock Jason.

Do not forget Jason’s chairs.

Grant interviews: “I foresee him waking up this time and really making a difference and pledging to make that change, and I just hope we can use him to his full capacity.”

Brian interviews: “If I got asked to leave it would be a blow to my life ‘cause this is my life, you know. I – I do everything for TAPS. Hell, I got a tattoo on my arm. It’s just the whole run of six years that would be washed out in a flash.”

He displays the tattoo sadly. It’s “TAPS” with an irritatingly cutesy ghost logo hanging off the “T.” Just change it to “CRAPS” and be done with it, I say.

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

The Next Day

The three-foot high snowbanks have magically disappeared.

Steve is sitting in front of a computer, pretending badly to be busy at something.

Jason: “Hey.”

Steve: “Hey. What’s going on?”

Jason: “Not much. What’re you doin’?”

Steve: “Just draftin’ up some – uh – case logs?”

Jason: “Myrtle Plantation contacted us.”

Steve: “Did they?”

Jason: “Yeah, they want us to come down, so – uh…”

Steve: “Let’s do it. When can we do it?”

Jason: “Uh, well – I need you to get the equipment loaded up so you, Brian and Jen can be on the road tomorrow.”

Steve: “Tomorrow?”

Jason: “Mmm. It’s going to be a couple days. It’s going to take you guys time to get there. Me and Grant are going to fly in. So. But I want you to be in charge of packing up everything.”

So Steve has nothing better to do with his life but to run off on a 1500-mile road trip at a moment’s notice. It sucks to be afraid of airplanes. But he gets to pack up the vans all by himself! This must be why he looks like a canary-swallowing cat right now.

Steve: “Okay. You want me to pack it up?”

Jason: “Yes.”

Steve: “What about Brian? He gets a little weird when people touch his…”

Jason: “Don’t worry about that. Just…(stuttering) well, you know what? Brian shouldn’t worry about it so if there’s any problems have him come to me and Grant.”

Steve: “All right. Okay, then I’ll do that.”

Jason: “All right, man.”

Steve: “All right.”

Jason: “Awesome.”

Steve: “Awesome.”

They shake.

Alas, we do not see Brian and Steve come to blows over packing the vans, and who gets to be First Whipping Boy vs. who is demoted to crappy Second Whipping Boy. Next, we see Brian trailing Steve and Jen out of a snowy alleyway to three black vehicles in the parking lot. Jen takes the SUV, and Brian and Steve drive the vans. Way to spread out that carbon footprint, TAPS. Pennsylvania was peanuts. Southwestward ho.

Grant in voice-over: “Jen Rossi is a professional hairdresser. She’s worked for TAPS for a few years, doing case research. She’s really shown some interest in coming out into the field, and so we thought we’d bring her on one of the most popular places and see how she does.”

The caravan is already in green grass country. The drivers are chatting via two-way radio.

Steve: “I’m not so sure about that hat, Jen.”

Brian: “I like the hat.”

Jen chortles. It’s sort of a zebra-striped cowboy hat.

Steve: “It’s a little 1998.”

Brian: “She’s Rod Zombie’s wife.”

Jen: “What? Hey! No Dixie Chicks! What’s wrong with my hat?”

It’s February 2005, so I think Jen is making an outraged statement here about the Dixie Chicks’ audacity in protesting the Iraq war. I bet she feels silly now! Especially wearing that hat.

Brian: “Did I say Dixie Chicks?”

They enter a time warp of a high speed highway montage and get dumped out a moment later in front of a sign for the New Orleans business district.

Brian: “Hey, guys, what do you think? We finally made it to New Orleans, baby.”

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA 5:23 PM

Steve: “It’s about time we’re in New Orleans. It’s only three days, tons of traffic, lots of rain, snow. Pretty stoked to get into the French Quarter.”

Brian (on radio): “Hey, you know where you’re goin’?”

Steve: “Yiiiiippp.”

Brick paving, shiny beads, and the raucous cries of drunken revelers show us we are in the French Quarter. Brian and Steve have ditched Jen and are walking along a lively street. Steve is looking for trouble. Brian doesn’t know what he is doing.

Brian: “What the hell we doin’ here?”

Steve: “Let’s find us some ladies.”

First-season Sheri Field Researcher is definitely in the past.

We see a neon sign advertising “Mardi Gras Daiquiris and Pizza,” making it absolutely clear we’re not in Rhode Island anymore.

Brian: “We’ll find you some ladies, not me. I got a girl back home. What the hell am I doin’ down here?”

As they are simply walking along a sidewalk, Brian’s crisis of conscience seems premature. But he knows Steve better than we do.

Steve: “You know the zip code rule.”

Brian: “There’s no zip code rule. There’s a relationship rule.”

Brian may fib to Jason about stuff, but at least he doesn’t recognize the zip code rule. Steve is bound and determined to be a wild and crazy guy, though. He has found a hat that looks like a fuzzy purple/yellow/green Mardi Gras version of a leprechaun hat, and is wearing it.

Brian: “You look like a frickin’ fool, dude.”

But the hat and the camera crew are powerful lady magnets. A strange girl accosts Steve and grabs him. “How are you?”

Steve: “Hi. How are you?”

Strange girl clinging to Steve: “Good. What’s going on?”

Steve: “Not too much. What’s going on with you?”

The strange girl vanishes. Perhaps she was a ghost. Steve now wears multiple strands of shiny beads along with his hat.

Brian: “I can’t believe it. Everywhere you go, man, you get more stuff. What’s up with that?”

Steve: “This is New Orleans. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

Brian: “Yeah, well, but – but I don’t get anything.”

Steve: “Well – you can get something.”

Brian: “I don’t want anything.”

Steve: “Why not?” Now he is wearing a long red feather boa.

The point of this conversation is a complete mystery.

Steve emerges from a place, presumably a bar, draped around two girls carrying peculiar green drinks to-go, and preceded by two others, ditto. Brian trails behind them on his invisible leash.

Steve: “We’re going to go this way. Brian! Let’s go! You want some?”

Brian: I’m all set, man. Thanks.”

Steve: “You’re loss, then.”

Brian: “No, it’s not. Trust me.”

Dawn breaks over

THE QUALITY INN, NEW ORLEANS

The Next Day

Jason and Grant have arrived with other TAPS people, and Jason is already chivying everyone. Because he’s remembered the Myrtles isn’t exactly in New Orleans.

Jason: “Hey, we got a long ride ahead of us.”

Grant: “Yeah, what’s it – two and a half hours?”

Jason: “Oh my god, we could cover our state three times in that. Four times in that.”

Eight times if you’re going east to west.

Jason: “”This is what we’ve wanted to do for a long time – check out one of the most haunted locations in the world.”

Grant: “It’s an honor to be called in to help ‘em out.”

Well, if publicity is an honorable profession, I guess. One p.r. flack washing the hands of another.

Grant: “I don’t know if they’re ready for our mentality. You know – we’re going to tell you the truth.”

Jason raises his eyebrows in equal disbelief. If you pricked these two with pins right now, the resulting gas leak, harnessed, would light and heat Rhode Island for the rest of the winter.

Jason: “Well, that’s the way I’m lookin’ at it. I’m like – well, it’s awesome we’re able to get in there and try to debunk a so-called haunting.”

Grant: “Right.”

Jason interviews: “When we head off to an investigation, we’re going there to try to disprove the haunting. We believe that about 80% of all cases can be dismissed, whether it’s psychological issues, overactive imaginations, for many reasons.”

Yes, we’ve heard this one before. 80% of the cases TAPS chooses to investigate are presented by crazy people, or sane people, blowing something or other out of proportion, which may be real, or imaginary. Or something. And 80% of nothing is still nothing. We should just be grateful they don’t drag us along on all those cases involving nothing. Oh, wait…

Well, at least we’ve arrived at the Myrtles.

Grant: “Myrtles. Here it is.”

There is an enormous roadside sign. “The Myrtles Plantation ca.1796 The Home of Mystery and Intrigue Guided Tours 9-5 daily & Fri. & Sat. evenings. Berd & Breakfast Ox Bow Carriage House Restaurant.”

Oh, yeah. The Myrtles definitely needs help from The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Grant: “Oh, wow.”

There’s a picturesque gate house, a white picket fence, and live oaks everywhere. Scary music plays, because it doesn’t look very scary here.

Grant: “Holy cow. When we rounded the corner and finally saw the house and all the trees (shot of atmospheric Spanish moss hanging off oaks), it blew me away. It was clear that – uh – this was going to an awesome investigation.”

A blue sky sunny view of the quaint house is jigged by the editors to look like it’s been struck by lightning, and there’s a crash of organ chords and drums. Nope. Not working. It still looks awfully cheerful.

THE INVESTIGATION

MYRTLES PLANTATION

Thursday 5:15 PM

It’s actually Monday, but for some reason they want us to believe it’s Thursday, so we must play along.

Today Jason and Grant are both wearing bright red t.v.-friendly shirts. So is Jen. It’s a little too friendly. They need to call each other in the morning to make sure this doesn’t happen.

Jason tells the peons to wait at the cars.

Mommy Grant: “We’ll be right back, guys.”

So even though the Myrtles is in the business of giving tours to groups of people, no one is allowed to accompany Jason and Grant. I think they left Mr. Debunker back in Rhode Island on purpose.

Teeta Moss, Owner, with a great name, interviews, albeit not well enough to get much air time. Ms. Moss is about as articulate as Jason and Grant. “Most of the time, other than the photographs we have that people have taken, it’s – you know – someone saw it and it’s gone. Someone photographed it but did they tamper with it? TAPS is a very reputable source, and we hope that their investigation will lead to a more concrete evidence of paranormal activity.”

Jason and Grant track down Hester Eby, Manager, who is going to give them their special tour which nobody else can crash. I don’t think Hester is as impressed by The Atlantic Paranormal Society as they’d like her to be, but she’s awfully nice to them.

Hester: “Now you know there are quite a few stories about the Myrtles and one of the main ones – a slave named Chloe is seen taking this path coming in and out, and right in this area, sweetheart – right in that area where the boards are is where her figure is seem and she’s quite transparent.”

Jason and Grant look briefly at path between two buildings in the slave quarter area.

Hester shows them to the main house. “Come on in, babies.” (hee!)

She unlocks the front door and points out the patterned glass, which has fleur-de-lis-like crosses on it.

Hester: “See the French cross signs of good luck and known to keep away evil they believe.”

The entry hall is quite flossy, with gilt and crystal everywhere.

Grant: “So what happened here?”

Hester: “I want to show you this mirror because there are a lot of stories told behind it.”

The mirror is a big one, about 4’ x 6’, hanging on the stair wall. It looks fairly old.

Hester: “The glass is about 14 years old. Now a lot of people take pictures of this mirror but from the top corner down the shaped of two small children will appear in photographs. Where these shapes come from, we have no idea.”
Here an editor throws in a flash of a girl’s face and a nice chunk of Spanish moss, but it’s about as effective as that “lightning” hitting the sun-dappled Myrtles a few minutes ago. Maybe the editors didn’t get a raise after all.

Hester takes the guys into a pink “Ladies’ Parlor” full of candelabras, chandeliers, and mirrors.

Hester: “I’ve been standing behind the couch in this parlor and I could feel a child pulling on the side of my clothing. Each time it happened I was with a group, but from having children and grandchildren – you know how – a little tug when they want to tell you something and you’re talking to someone else? When I did get away from a distance I looked back but there was no one there.”

Outside, there’s a rather scummy-looking pond, but it’s got a little island with a gazebo, and a white bridge spanning the algae. Jason prompts Hester.

Jason: “So I see the pond out here. What’s…”

Hester: “Yeah, the pond is man-made. It started off being a small cattle wallow. A lot of people say they saw – uh – through their camera what looks like the image of a Confederate soldier out there. Some pictures are developed and the image of a soldier will show up.”

Jason: “Right near the pond.”

Hester: “Near the pond, yes.”

Now it’s time to hear the story of the unfortunate William Winter, who was shot in the chest on the porch by a shot-gun wielding assailant. The “story” goes that he staggered indoors and managed to up 17 stairs before expiring in his wife Sarah’s arms. Actually, it is recorded he died on the porch.

Hester: “He made it to the 17^th step on the main staircase, and overnight guests still tell us they can hear the footsteps as if someone is going up the staircase.”

Jason is paying absolutely no attention to this story. He looks kind of pissed, but then he usually does. Hester points out the 17^th step to them, and Grant, the polite one, says “That’s very sad.”

Hester: “Now we’ve had a lot of guests that have left us before their evening was over but you’re strong young men. You’re going to stay with us all night. I can tell. I can tell. Okay, well, good night, darlings. See you in the morning. Bye, darlings. See you. Bye-bye.”

Hester escapes. We, on the other hand, have to stick it out.

Grant: “That’s a pretty ominous good-bye.”

Night falls on the mansion.

Crickets chirp.

Brian and Steve are strolling a path.

Steve: “If we don’t capture something here, then there is no haunts in Louisiana.”

Steve is always so optimistic.

That mobile command unit seems not to be working because the TAPS gang is hauling in all their equipment. Or maybe they just want to hang out inside one of America’s most haunted houses instead of the van.

Brian walks by a totally benign portrait of a man. “That’s a creepy picture.” I think he’s jumping the gun a bit.

Grant: “Honestly right now the place is beautiful but overwhelming. I’m a little stressed out ‘cause there’s so much – so many stories – there’s so much to try and cover and I’m afraid that we’re going to miss something.”

Steve: “Every room in this – this house seems to be haunted. Um – we only have a certain amount of cameras so we’re going to take the most haunted spots and put the best cameras in those rooms.”

Brian, passing a tea set, goes falsetto: “Would you like some tea, Sarah?” Normal voice: “I’m going to break something in this house. I know I am.”

The new girls finally put in an appearance and report to Grant.

Paula Donovan, Research & Development: “Checking out the Slave Quarters back there.”

Grant: “Yeah?”

Kristyn: “Uh – it’s really cool.”

Grant has more confidence in them than this exchange might warrant.

Grant: “For this case in New Orleans we’re bringing down three new people. Number 1, we brought down Paula because she – uh – she’s very analytical so I think she’ll help us break it down. Kristyn? She’s good with equipment, she’s new, we want to get her into a place that will probably have some good results, and Jen is just eager to sit in front of the monitor and just see the evidence.”

Yeah, because who wouldn’t be eager to sit in front of the monitor and do nothing and have to pay attention to doing nothing at the same time? Brian Bell sure loved it. Grant is so full of crap.

THE MAIN HOUSE 7:50 PM

Grant and Jason tackle that suspect mirror first. Of course, it would be nice to see what it is that they’re trying to debunk, like some pictures, but that’s too much trouble for them to go to, so shut up. They’re obviously not going to tell us any more back story, so you’d better go here if you want to find out who Chloe is, and why they’re obsessed with this mirror.

Grant: “I really want to get a close look at that mirror because I don’t see anything paranormal about it. I think it’s – it’s tarnished silver behind glass.”

Jason: “I think one of the most important things to look at, Grant, is the glass here and these marks – they’re on the inside.”

Grant: “Right, and no way to clean.”

Jason: “They’re actually on the metal and the acidity in your fingertips – I mean you know as a plumber – all you gotta do is touch something like that – like these. These could easily be somebody just holding their hand on there – see?”

Grant: “Of course.”

Jason: “See the fingers?”

So I don’t know whether they’ve just explained ghostly handprints or ghostly children showing up in the mirror. They might as well just talk to themselves and leave us out of it.

SLAVE SHACK 7:40 PM

Grant wants an audio mike put out there. Paula, Kristyn and Jen are wandering around somewhat aimlessly, probably wondering how best to appear like they’re doing something useful, after the three of them finish placing the recorder.

Back in the house, Jason is channeling a slave driver.

Jason: “Hey. Guys. You got a half hour. We gotta bang this out. All right. Let’s get this whole thing done. You gotta lock up these doors, you gotta lock off that side of the house. All right? So as much as you can, as fast as you can.”

Jason Hawes loves being a bossy boots.

Brian: “All right. Sounds good. All right.” That can’t be what he’s thinking, though.

Jason: “All my cameras are runnin’?

Brian: “All your cameras are runnin’.”

Jason: “Good job, guys.”

Brian to Steve: “All right. Let’s get these lights out.”

And we get to see many lights turned out. Always an episode action high point.

MYRTLES MAIN HOUSE 8:35 PM

Brian: “Here we go. Camera in night-vision, and record.”

Brian and Steve are in the dining room/ballroom, doing EVP work which Steve explains for second-season newbies.

Steve: “EVP stands for electronic voice phenomenon – uh – transcendental voices? What we’re really lookin’ for is – uh – voices that were not heard when recorded – uh – the EVP on our digital recorder.”

Whatever. Try Wikipedia. He may not have said transcendental. He mumbles. I’m doing the best I can, which is a darn sight better those cheapskates at Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

Brian: “Chloe, is this you – that haunts this place?”

MAIN HOUSE, UPSTAIRS 8:55 PM

Jason is preparing to use the only equipment that’s fun enough to get him to do some work – the thermal imaging camera, made possible, it should be remembered, largely because Brian discovered an apparition on the footage from the September 3-4 visit to Eastern State Penitentiary. And yes, that was the same night Brian yelled and ran like a sissy from what may have been the same apparition but I think he gets a pass for that. It’s one of the Talking Mongoose’s favorite things ever on television, right up there with Survivor: China when everyone fell off their leaking barrels into the swamp, except for Courtney.

But back to the Myrtles.

Jason: “Me and Grant are gonna do a walk-through with the thermal imaging camera. We’re looking for hot and cold spots. A lot of times people say that spirit activity draws the energy out of the air making the area colder or sometimes even warmer so when the thermal imaging camera picks that up, it picks up any fluctuations – uh – you know – temperature changes.”

Jason and Grant do a little re-enactment in situ because something just whipped by the thermal camera on the main staircase.

Jason: “It’s see-through.”

Grant: “Yeah, ‘cause you can see the banister there.”

Jason: “It appeared that whatever went by the camera, went off to the right side of the camera, and then it was gone. We’re lookin’ for explanations. It was just – didn’t see any…”

They neglect to mention that whatever it was looked like it ran headfirst into the stairwall. Also, it looked remarkably like those cartoon images of speed – a blurred wake of lines.

GENTLEMEN’S PARLOR 9:10 PM

Brian claims to be experiencing one of his brain anomalies downstairs with Steve.

Brian: “Steve.”

Steve: “Yes.”

Brian: “Something just moved.”

Steve: “What do you mean?”

Brian: “Right here. This little black spot just went woooof.”

Steve: “Was it coming from outside maybe?’

Brian: “No, there was nothing outside. Nobody out there. It came from like over there. ‘Cause I was looking at the mirror –see – that’s when it went pffff, and it went…”

Brian is speaking English, but it’s not coming through.

Steve: “Can you make a noise for us? Can you please give us a sign of your presence?

Brian: “What’s that noise?”

There’s no noise, except that provided by the infernal sound guy.

THE INVESTIGATION

The Myrtles Plantation

Thursday 9:40 PM

Paula and Kristyn are on the porch where William Winter was shot, discussing the particulars.

Paula of the TAPS Research & Development Department, appears to have done some research. At least she read that thing on-line.

Paula: “Actually, of all the murders here, I think this is the only one that is actually recorded. The other ones may or may not have really happened here.”

Actually, they haven’t actually bothered to tell us about all the murders the Myrtles claims, but it’s probably just as well.

Kristyn: “If you’re here, can you give us a sign of your presence?

Paula: “Do you like staying here?

Kristyn: “Can you tell me your name? Are you the one that makes the noise on the stairs?”

Okay, so the ladies aren’t going to be any better than the guys at EVP questions. No one is ever going to ask anything pertinent like “Why can’t we see you?” or “Where are you when you aren’t here?” or “Who’s going to win the World Series?”

Kristyn gets a last name. Kristyn Gartland Field Researcher wields an EMF gauge, reading off “1.6, 1.8…”

Grant re-explains EMF to us, because some of us are new, and the rest of us have forgotten: “EMF stands for electromagnetic field. Anything that uses electricity will give off an electromagnetic field. Every room, every area is going to have some base reading. Typically, it’s below a one. Then as we investigate we’re looking for any kind of spikes we can’t explain. The higher the number, the more intense the electromagnetic field is, and the more intense the field is, the more potential there is for some severe paranormal activity.”

That’s a whole new category of paranormal! I must add it to my existing list. So now it goes: 1)scenario, 2)situation, 3)issue, 4)incident, 5)activity, and 6)severe activity. Category 7 must be the Stay Puft marshmallow man materializing.

Kristyn: “3.5. I want to know if there’s something over here that’s giving off…”

Paula: “I can hear something. Maybe there’s like an a.c. unit or…”

Kristyn: “Yeah, well, it’s right here. It’s an electrical box.”

Paula: “That would do it.”

Kristyn: “That might be where the 1.4’s are coming from. Damn it! Ooh! 2.0. Crap. Hate when that happens. Stupid electrical box.”

Crashing organ chords and spooky Spanish moss draperies lead us back to Steve and Brian at the pond.

MYRTLES YARD 11:05 PM

Brian: “We’re going to go walk around now. We’re trying to find us some paranormal activity. I’ve got the EVP going right now – the EVP audio recorder, so let’s see if we can capture anything.”

Steve tries to explain why they are doing a round-up outside: “Brian and I are going to go check out the – uh – gazebo area on the grounds. Uh – there’s some reports – uh – of children playing, people hearing children’s voices and – uh – seeing a – a soldier in Civil War clothing so we’re going to see if we can’t get some EMF readings and maybe catch some firsthand sighting – uh – get something on video, take pictures, see what we can find.”

Maybe he should have talked to Paula first.

Steve at the gazebo: “What did they see in here? Children? Little girls?”

Brian: “Children.”

Frogs peep.

Steve: “Let’s make our way around and end up at the Slave Quarters.”

A radio crackles.

Brian: “Somebody’s – somebody’s walkie-talkie-ing me.”

Grant, on the radio: “Brian, did you set up that camera out in the Slave Quarters yet?”

Brian: “Um. No. I’m sorry. I forgot to do that. I will do that right now.”

Eek – he’d better.

Brian mumbles to Steve that he forgot the camera and will be right back.

FRONT WALK 11:25 PM

Hanging around inside the most haunted house in America has lost its charm. Everybody seems to be outside. It could be the novelty of hearing frogs in February.

Jason: “So what’s going on with Brian?”

Grant: “You know, he just set up that camera in the Slave Shack. I had to tell him twice.”

Jason: “I’ve no idea what we’re going to do with that kid.”

They’re looking at the yard with the thermal imaging camera.

Jason: “Now they say that Chloe walks down this path right here. C’mon, Chloe. Where are ya?”

MYRTLES YARD 11:40 PM

Steve is getting a constant outside reading of 0.1 to 0.5 on the EMF gauge.

Steve: “Haven’t seen any kids in colonial uniforms, or soldiers.”

He suddenly perks up, like a retriever, and whispers excitedly to his camera crew: “Did you see that?” He hurries off, and the sound man tries to keep up. Steve is still talking in a whisper.

Steve: “As soon as I said didn’t look like there’s any children or colonial people, I saw what looked to be this – this motion.” He imitates someone popping out of a hiding place sideways. “I flashed my light. As I flashed my light it looked like something jumped from behind the tree. I definitely thought I saw something. If you’re here, come back out. Point seven. 1.5. That’s the highest reading I’ve had so far out here on the grounds is the 1.5. Definitely appeared to be like there was somebody looking or watching.”

Here the editors flash us with a shot of the skull and crossbones banner from that stupid church case, which seems egregiously cheap of them.

Steve, still whispering: “The more and more I’m out here, the more and more I think that there could be something out here with us. I don’t know. Let’s go see what Brian’s up to.”

BEDROOM MAIN HOUSE 12:25 AM

Jen is sitting eagerly at the monitor. At least, she’s sitting there, unlike some people whose first and last names start with a B.

Jen: “I’m sittin’ at the DVR’s and listenin’ to EVP’s because if something does manifest, I can be the first to see it.”

Hope springs eternal.

Steve has tracked down Brian outside, and is babbling about his sighting.

Steve: “It was right around this tree. It’s gotta still be out here.”

Unless it maybe retreated back into the fourth dimension? They’re still intent on that round-up.

MYRTLES YARD 12:30 AM

Steve re-enacts for Brian what his ghostie did peeping from around a tree trunk. Brian, always susceptible to suggestion, goes with it.

Steve: “What? Do you see something, too? What is it?”

Brian: “There was a dark shadow over there. It’s gone now.”

Steve: “See? I told you.”

Brian: “Steve, did you hear that?”

Steve: “What?”

Brian: “Like running?”

Steve: “Where?”

Brian: “Over there. Like choo choo choo choo choo.”

There is nothing. A dog barks in the distance.

Steve: “Dogs.”

MYRTLES BACKYARD 1:05 AM

Jason and Grant are still wandering with the thermal imaging camera.

Jason: “Turned a bit nippy, huh?”

Grant: “Nice.”

Jason: “It’s still warmer than Rhode Island.”

Jason: “There’s something there.”

Grant: “Something went in front of us.”

THE INVESTIGATION

The Myrtles Plantation

Friday 1:06 AM

Another incident has occurred. Incidents get a big, formal timestamp. Now it’s Tuesday, if you’re keeping track.

Grant: “Look.”

Something rather large in a tall way dashes in front of the camera. The ghosts at the Myrtles seem to like to run from left to right.

Jason: “That’s something right in front of us. Go forward two frames. Definitely transparent.”

Grant: “Something went in front of us.”

Jason: “It was right at that tree. I saw the tree. All right.”

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant actually caught something with the thermal camera. It appeared to be a torso of a human. We didn’t see it pass in front of our faces. We only caught the temperature fluctuations with the camera. It definitely startled us and – uh – we’re still trying to figure out what that could have been. But there was nothing there.”

Jason finally tires of his toy, and gives it over to Brian and Steve. They are wandering the grounds, still hoping to “capture” something in that round-up that is not working out so well for them.

Brian coughs: “Acid reflux.”

Steve: I think it’s tobacco. Why wouldn’t you try a plan to quit smoking? It would only benefit you, save you money and probably…”

He is drowned out by Brian coughing some more.

MAIN HOUSE WALK 1:20 AM

Brian is entranced by the heat signature of the steam from a washer/dryer.

Steve, disgusted: “All right, c’mon, let’s…”

Brian: “I’m just – I’m just trying to get used to this thing.”

Steve, with scorn: “Used to it?”

Brian, huffy: “I never used it before!”

Steve, outraged by his embarrassing bro: “That means you have to point it at – (sputtering) laundry steam?”

Steve is sort of a poophead.

SLAVE SHACK 1:45 AM

Jason: “Grant and I are – WHOA – STOP THE PRESSES! Jason just said Grant and I. He must be really really tired. NB: 1:45 AM, Tuesday, March 1, 2005, at The Myrtles, St. Francisville, Louisiana, Jason Hawes said “Grant and I.” I was wrong when I said he was constitutionally incapable of doing this.

Jason: “Grant and I are going to head into the Slave Quarters. There’s been a lot of reports of activity in there so we’re going to just go sit down, chill out, see what happens.”

They’re in a small room with a bed, a chair, a small table, and a lamp. They sit silently for a while.

Jason: “You feel any pressure in your ears? Almost like a little – right before you get that pop on the airplane?” He tries half-yawning. “You know, almost like a pressure change. Still gettin’ it just now. It’s strong.”

Grant remains silent.

MAIN HOUSE 2:10 AM

Brian and Steve are getting tangled in each other’s cords, and are confused about where they’ve been and where they’re going. We’re removed from this promising scene and dragged back to the

SLAVE SHACK 2:20 PM

where Jason is sharing some pillow talk with Grant. The dark hours of the night have caused him to wax philosophical. Ugh.

Jason: “You ever wonder if we’re doin’ the right thing?” (Where to start???)

Grant: “What do you mean?”

Jason: “You know, with our investigations and so forth. You never really know if you’re doing it the right way ‘cause it’s not a scientifically proven field.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “But maybe in the same – I know they exist. You know they exist. You know we both had our little things that happened. They got us into this field, and then in the same – you know – but how much time and energy do we invest before we burn bridges that we can never repair?”

Ooh – “they” – that’s really close to Jason saying “ghost.” What with the “burning bridges” and “Grant and I” and all, I think he might be coming down with the flu.

Grant: “You know we’re sacrificing a lot with the hope of maybe some advancement that we may not even see in our lifetime.”

Jason: “I gotta be honest, man. It seems like there’s something here. Strange you do feel like you’re being watched.”

THE MYRTLES PLANTATION 2:58 AM

Someone has set a porch chair to rocking by itself.

Jason interviews: “It’s about 3 am. It’s been a long night. Um – a bunch of us are exhausted. We’re going to hit the sack. Brian and Steve said that they’re going to sleep in shifts so one of ‘em’s up all night watching the equipment. In the morning we’ll see what we caught.”

Steve’s tattoos revealed in normal light are much more colorful than you’d expect.

Dawn breaks, and it’s time to break down the equipment.

MAIN HOUSE 8:45 AM

Steve says they left the cameras running all night until about half an hour ago, “so if there’s anything in this place we will have it on film.”

They are never ever going to give up on the idea that ghosts are an on-demand deal.

Brian: “I think last night’s investigation went very well. We got to do what we wanted. We got to go out there and take until four to five o’clock in the morning. It felt real good.”

A cruel editor lets Brian hit himself in the balls with an electric plug right after he says that. He buckles over with a cry of pain.

Grant: “This was just an awesome investigation because Number One, it’s the Myrtles, and some weird stuff happened. It’s just – it’s a perfect case.”

Hester greets them in a courtyard and asks how their night was. Grant says they only got two hours of sleep. Hester is impressed by their obsessive behavior.

Thank you’s are delivered with promise of news to come soon, after TAPS examines the evidence.

Hester: “Bye-bye. Thank you, darlings. Bye-bye.”

I was hoping she’d call them “babies.”

Despite the lack of sleep, Jason is still cracking his whip. “All right, guys. We got a long ride ahead of us so check out some of that evidence for me on the ride, man.”

Murmuring from Brian and Steve. If they could get him alone, they’d probably feed Jason to some bayou alligators right now.

As the vans leave the Myrtles, Jason laments: “I don’t even want to leave this place.” I guess you had to be there.

Out on the highway, Jason and Grant remind us of what an exciting time we had. They had.

Jason: “You know, the wild thing was there were a lot of experiences people had last night. You know Steve seeing the shadow. Um…”

Grant: “And I don’t know what that thing was on the thermal when we were walking out by the pond – that thing that just dashed in front of us.”

Jason: “Yeah, it’s all see-through.”

Grant: “Yeah, well, the center of it was hot and then like the back end of it was hot where it kinda looks like a head and shoulders.”

In the back of another vehicle, Brian and Steve are putting up a fair front of listening to audio tapes.

Brian: “Somebody’s saying like ‘no’ in a really raspy voice. Really loud.”

Steve: “Sounds like Kristyn.”

Brian: “Yeah, but Kristyn was talking in the background.”

Back in the boss car, Jason is feeling overworked.

Jason: “Man, we got a lot of evidence that we gotta go through. Oh, my, god.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Well, that the underlings gotta go through. Jason and Grant are going to have a nice little nap, check out some awesome New Orleans cemeteries, and eat oyster po’ boys.

Meanwhile, Brian is nodding off. Steve elbows him.

Steve: “Hey. Don’t fall asleep.”

Brian: “What? I’m not falling asleep.”

Steve: “Dude, when your head goes like this (he waggles his head) it means you’re falling asleep.”

Brian: “I’m going like this because I have to listen to the frickin’ thing.”

Steve: “I don’t know about that.”

In the boss car, the subject of Brian comes up again.

Jason: “So Brian. How do you think he ended up doing?”

Grant: “I don’t think he did that bad. I mean there was the whole thing with the camera in the slave shack. He had to be reminded to do that. Hopefully it’s just one mistake.”

In the peon car, Brian and Steve have passed out, wearing headphones.

THE ANALYSIS

The Myrtles Plantation

Saturday 10:15 AM

They’re back at the Quality Inn, New Orleans. Steve announces they have thirty hours of video footage and 10 hours of audio recording to examine. Everyone but Brian, Steve, and Jen has magically disappeared.

Steve: “Probably going to take us all day, and all night, but hopefully, at the end our time will pay off with some good evidence.”

Suckers. I mean, what dedication!

At least they get pizza. Steve eats pizza, drinks Mountain Dew, stares at a monitor, stares at Jen, Jen stares back, they eat more pizza, stare at monitors, have a staring contest with each other.

Steve: “Are you going to watch the screens or what?”

He drums on the desk, and fidgets.

Jen: “Do you have ADD?”

Steve yawns, and spills water on himself. Brian spits outs pizza crumbs laughing, and Jen cracks up.

The sun moves across the heavens. Night falls.

QUALITY INN 6:56 PM

The three flunkeys are still staring at computers. Jen and Brian are watching 4 screen shots at once, each. Steve is listening to headphones while looking at a monitor.

Brian: “Whoa. What the heck is that?”

At last, after almost nine hours, something may have happened.

That godawful happy Ghost Hunters music plays to indicate that real life proceeds outside of the Quality Inn, say – on Rue Bourbon, with jello shots and mint juleps. This must be where Jason and Grant have been. They come to check on the inmates of Room 841.

Grant: “What you guys been eatin’ in here?”

Jason makes a face. The peasants have dared to feed themselves!

THE FINDINGS

The Myrtles Plantation

Saturday 8:41 PM

At last, the authoritative evidence on the Myrtles, as collected by The Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Grant: “All right, so what do you got?”

Brian: “We got this. Just to let you know everybody’s accounted for. Me, Jen and Paula were out at the gazebo and Steve and Kristyn were at the Slave Shack. This is what we caught.”

A camera at the top of the main stairs, facing down into the entry hall, shows a distinctive shadow figure against the patterned glass of the porch door. It looks like it is crouching, half rises, and melts away. Nobody gets very worked up about it, so this is their re-enactment of their first viewing. That must be almost as boring to do as to watch.

Grant: “That’s – that’s actually freaky because it looks like a – a living person.”

Jason: “Was it somebody who knew we were there investigating? Was it somebody just looking to break and enter the place at that time? The thing is I can’t say it’s paranormal. It’s on the outside of the door.”

Too bad, because the shadow is a lot more alarming-looking than the roadrunner blurs past the thermal imaging camera.

Brian introduces the next possibility.

Brian: “This is the Slave Quarters. One of the camera guys is sitting down… Watch this, over here.”

Grant: “Wait a minute. What’s going on with the lamp?”

Brian: “It’s moving. Here comes J.”

We’re seeing an electric lamp supposedly moving by itself.

Jason: “It’s not pulling the doily.”

Grant: “No, it’s sliding.”

Brian: “There’s you.”

Grant: “There’s my ugly mug.”

The camera view is of the Slave Shack, when Jason and Grant were “chilling” and getting philosophical. The lamp has a candlestick-type base, and is sitting on a table with a lace table cloth within inches of Grant, who is apparently oblivious to it.

Jason: “Is that cord strapped around your foot or the chair or anything else, Grant?”

Grant: “Well, I think I would have noticed something stuck around my foot and I don’t think it would make it slide slow like that.”

Jason: “The problem is I can’t even see the back of the lamp.”

Grant: “Right. That’s the problem.”

Again, nobody is excited at all. It’s just a problem. By now, they’ve probably filmed this truncated discussion so many times they’re sick to death of the tiresome lamp and wish it had had the decency to stay in one place.

Jason: “Oh, well.”

Jen has disappeared, and Brian and Steve get all the credit for the day’s work.

Grant: “Good job, gentlemen.”

Jason and Grant drive back to the Myrtles. I’d wonder why they didn’t all stay closer, except that I already know they’re pretending to come back to Louisiana in a few episodes, so they must be down here on an extended stay. Louisiana is this season’s Pennsylvania.

On the way, Jason and Grant mull over the problem of the lamp.

Jason: “They’re definitely a bunch of sweet people and – uh – we’re gonna be actually sitting down talking with Hester who took us on the tour, so – uh – I’m definitely interested in getting back there and just testing out a couple theories on the lamp.”

Grant: “Yes.”

Jason: “You know – did your foot get caught around the cord? It could be around the leg of the chair and as you’re sitting in the chair, the chair sliding.”

Grant: “We have to find that out. We have to check that lamp out.”

We get to read the historic marker at the Myrtles this time.

“The Myrtles: Home of the famed General David Bradford, leader of the Whisky Rebellion. The Myrtles was built in 1796 on a Spanish Land Grant. The architecture, elaborate plaster work and lacy iron work make this twenty room mansion one of Lousiana’s most unusual plantation homes.”

All the ghosts are just normal down here.

SLAVE SHACK

The Myrtles Plantation

They’re back with that damn lamp.

Grant: “There is said lamp.”

Jason pulls it by the cord.

Grant: “Yeah, look – it’s pulling the whole tablecloth now.”

Jason: “See – the whole thing’s bunching up so…”

Grant: “Yeah, look at that.” He holds the cord up off the table and pulls the lamp so that it is slightly tipped. “Yeah, look – see that’s more the effect you get on the footage.”

Jason: “But the lamp wasn’t pulling on an angle like this on the footage so – I don’t know. Let’s go talk to Hester.”

THE REVEAL

The Myrtles Plantation

Saturday 3:00 PM

Oops. Title people must be dying of boredom, too. Because it was Saturday just yesterday. Except it was really – oh, who the hell cares.

Hester: “Good seein’ y’all.”

Grant: “Anything new or interesting happen since we were here?”

Hester: “We’ve had a few guests that left a little early but I haven’t talked to them.”

Everyone laughs.

Jason: “That’s awesome.”

Hester: “What did you guys pick up while you were here?” Hester is cool.

Grant feels obliged to give his patronizing matrixing lecture.

Grant: “One of the big things here at the plantation is the mirror. We studied that mirror pretty close and we’re familiar with – um – a phenomenon called matrixing, which – um – is your mind’s natural tendency to find familiar objects in complex patterns and shapes. Any time you have something that’s glass or that’s reflective it gets tricky. If there’s any kind of smudge on the inside of the glass or the outside of the glass or any kind of smudge or tarnishing on the metal, those can overlap and form into a face or a hand.”

Jason: “Now that’s pretty much one explanation for a bunch of possibilities.”

Grant: “All right, the next thing is we’ll show you here – just watch the monitor.”

Jason: “It was about 2:30 in the morning – well, it’s 2:20 in the morning, but nobody was actually over in this area. Everybody was accounted for.”

The footage of the shadow on the glass door is shown.

Hester: “Hmm. Who is that?”

Grant: “That’s what we’re trying to figure out.”

Hester: “It looks like a human figure for sure.”

Jason: “Uh – it really did. It’s a nice piece of evidence and we’re going – was anybody else out there – it – you’re trying to weight it.”

Hester: “And so many things we can’t explain. I don’t think it’s mean for us to be able to explain it.”

Grant: “Right.”

Jason: “Exactly. I totally agree with that.”

Except that he spends most of his free time trying to do the exact opposite. Oh, well. Details.

Grant: “All right, the next thing is one of the tools we used here is a thermal imaging camera.”

Jason: “What the thermal imaging camera does is it picks up different temperature changes hot cold and it makes them different colors, and – uh – the setting we have it on right now – things that are hot are going to appear yellowish…”

Grant: “White. This is what we saw.”

They show the flash across the head of the stairs.

Grant: “What that is – that is something significantly warmer than the air around us.”

Jason: “Go frame by frame for her.”

Grant: “Yeah, it’ll sneak up from the bottom, whatever this thing is, and then it swiffs off to the right.”

It sounds like a cleaning product, but I like that verb Grant invented there, and I’m adopting it permanently. To swiff – to sweep off, move rapidly, often in a mysterious manner.

Jason: “There was a significant enough change for that camera to pick something up.”

Hester: “Uh-huh.”

Jason: “So just a little strange thing that we had caught.”

Grant: “Now this next piece of footage – this was out in the Slave Shack. If you keep your eye – just watch it. I think you’ll pick it up. Okay, keep your eye on the lamp.”

Hester: “I see. It’s moving.”

Grant: “It takes approximately four to four and a half minutes to move across that.”

So why didn’t they tell us this major fact before? A lamp moving for over four minutes is kind of a big deal. Except they can’t prove it. Poor TAPS.

Hester: “Oh, yes. I saw a lot of things but nothing like this.”

Grant, laughing with glee: “What do you think of that?

Hester: “I don’t know what to think of it really.”

Grant: “But as you can see it’s not someone – it’s not somebody pullin’ the tablecloth. The table – it’s not like it was caught on my leg or on J.’s leg as he sat down, whatever.”

Hester: “Hmm.”

Grant: “Now personally we have a hard time with this footage because it would be nice if that were in the center of the picture, you know what I’m saying?”

Hester: “I understand, but I can see…”

Grant: “You never know what’ going to move. Looking at your evidence, looking at our evidence, and taking my personal experiences here into account, I think it’s haunted.”

Hester laughs.

Grant: “I’ll flat right out say it. I mean.” He laughs, embarrassed. Jason is grinning, but just leaves him there to hang for another long moment.

Grant: “There was enough odd stuff to happen for me to say that hands down.”

Jason has sort of backed himself into a corner here. He’s required to throw out the lamp and shadow evidence based on his much vaunted position on suspect incidents, but he certainly hasn’t proved this place isn’t haunted, and he hasn’t exactly proved that it is. And he really doesn’t want to say anything, but he has to say something, being the founder of TAPS and all, and not a complete asshole.

Jason: “I think Myrtle didn’t let us down bein’ such – such as one of the most haunted locations in America. I – I think that this is probably the most haunted place around.” And there, he said the “h” word. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

Grant: “And most hospitable as well. You guys have been great.”

Hester: “We try. Thank you, darlings. Thank you.”

Hester’s last words: “I knew the house was haunted. It always has been. But for TAPS to pick up something is exciting for us.”

Jason and Grant head back to New Orleans.

Grant: “So that went pretty good. She seemed – uh – a little bit nervous at the beginning but…”

Jason: “Well, she definitely seemed like she was getting – uh – antsy that we were going to dismiss the place. You know the thing is we got some strange activity there. We really did.”

Yeah, uh-huh. Hester didn’t give a rat’s ass what these two Yankee peddlers were selling. But she was really nice to them anyway.

Grant: “But we had to shoot down the mirror. You know it’s just – people taking pictures of themselves – they see themselves in the mirror and they think it’s a ghost. It’s…”

Jason: “Every time I took a picture of the mirror I kept on seeing a guy wearing the same shirt I had on.

Grant: “Right.” Ho ho.

These two are living in a dream world all their own.

Jason: “You know I’m not sure if you realized it but Steve was telling me the other day that when the lamp was moving in that room was the same time me and you were talking about – uh – you know – pretty much who we were going to turn TAPS over to and if we should leave ‘cause of the families and everything else.”

Grant: Well, maybe that’s your answer, right there. Maybe they’ll miss us if we go.”

Jason looks at him. “Maybe they won’t.”

Grant cackles. “Maybe they won’t because we scare ‘em bad.”

Or maybe someone was trying to get up the energy to lift that lamp and bash it over those thick skulls.

Ouija Board Review with the Talking Mongoose will follow in a separate post. My brain battery has gone dead and needs a jump start. I have to go watch something more intellectually stimulating, like America’s Next Top Model.

Tags: Andy Andrews, Brian Bell, Brian Harnois, Donna LaCroix, electromagnetic field, electronic voice phenomenon, French Quarter, ghost hunters, ghosts, Grant Wilson, haunted, Jason Hawes, Jen Rossi, Kristyn Gartland, Louisiana, Mme. Blahblatsky, moving lamp, New Orleans, paranormal investigation, Paula Donovan, Pilgrim Films and Television, plantation, reality shows, Rhode Island, Roto-Rooter, Steve Gonsalves, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society, the Myrtles, the Talking Mongoose, thermal imaging camera, Warwick, William Winter, zip code rule