TM:  Someone sent me a link to a supposedly haunted doll a few months ago, which I showed to Mme. Blahblatsky and she shrieked “My eyes!  My eyes!”  It seemed she was looking at a picture of the doll in the arms of our favorite ghost hunters, Hans and Franz, and objected to them more than the doll.  I have been reminding ever since, lo these many months, that we have unfinished business here, and it might be good therapy.  So as it’s Halloween, she’s agreed to come back and heap some abuse on the Warwick mountebanks, in honor of the season.

MB:  Lordy.  It has been months.  Okay, almost edging into years.  I got really really peeved after that Fort Delaware debacle last Halloween, and frankly, I don’t think  Ghost Hunters is worth a red cent at this point, but the Talking Mongoose has talked me into continuing.  I’d finished the transcript way back in Ought-8, so all we had to do was – god help us – watch it again and complain.

We left Taps stranded in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, half-way through episode 213 of Ghost Hunters, right after they presented  the thermal reflection of Grant on a metal locker as a ghost.  Grost.  Ghant.    We don’t think they can really cap this, but the Talking Mongoose says they’re going to get something special next.  So let’s see.

The disclaimer from part one still applies – dialogue, Pilgrim, oil drums, blah blah blah.   (And now we think we know the origins of the Montauk monster.)

THE PITCH

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 3:00 PM

The gang has assembled at the van for a pep rally.

Jason: “This home’s supposedly one of the most haunted homes around this area. It was a physician, Dr. Ellis.”

Grant: “Dr. Ellis – he was the guy that supposedly came out of the elevator and went to that room.”

Dustin: “Right.”

Donna: “Oh, really?”

Grant: “This is his house.”

Jason: “Let’s get over there, let’s hear the stories and take it from there one step at a time.”

Grant: “We’ll play it by ear.”

TM:  As opposed to pre-planning hoaxes.  We’re going to be more spontaneous.

MB:  Hoaxes?

TM:  Just kidding.  You know me.

Jason: “All right, guys?”

Steve: “Cool.”

Jason: “Let’s get out of here.”

The black caravan trundles through downtown Eureka Springs. [can a ghost be in 2 places?] Jason, Grant, and Steve approach the door of a Victorian house.

Jason: “Hi, Carroll?”

Carroll Heath, Homeowner: “Gentlemen? Yes.”

Jason: “Hi, I’m Jason from TAPS.”

Carroll: “Jason.”

Grant: “Grant.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Grant: “This is Steve.”

Steve: “Nice to meet you, Carroll.”

Carroll: “Nice to meet you, gentlemen. Please come in.”

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 6:39 PM

Carroll interviews: “I certainly hope that TAPS gets on film our unseen friends. Anything we get on film will be really very wonderful.”

TM:  He doesn’t know about the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

TM:  The grostly ghant.

MB:  This house better not be ghanted, that’s all I can say.

TM:  Er…

MB: What?

TM:  Nothing.

Carroll, in scene: “All right, gentlemen – I’d like to show you the house that I share here with Dr. Ellis, and I’m very conversant with Dr. Ellis because I’m a medium.”

Grant: “A medium, or we like to call him a “sensitive” is someone who is sensitive to personalities, electrical fields around them, someone who can pick up on the emotions of someone who is alive as well as someone who is dead.”

TM:  They can do both?  La!  Imagine.

MB:  Like Grant would know.  Like Grant would know anything.  Grant of the jerking jacket…

TM:  Mme. -  you promised to leave that out of this discussion.

MB:  Cripes!  God damn it to hell.  Okay.  But it’s all ruined, I tell you.  There’s not even a handbasket left.

TM:  I know.

Carroll: “I’m a pianist, and when I play the piano I feel a crowd of people gather, watching.”

The interior of Carroll and Dr. Ellis’s house is very 19^th-century fancy.

Carroll: “As we go through the door here, we go to the back parlor.”

Grant: “Any people seeing things or heard things in here?”

Carroll: “Yes, quite often.”

Grant: “Such as?”

Carroll: “When we’ll be sitting downstairs and you hear people walking on the floor.”

Carroll interviews: “I’m the 12^th owner. I know that two owners ago, they heard so much noise that they had the building exorcised.”

Jason: “So where do you want to head next?”

Carroll: “I’d like to take you to the bedroom level. We’ll first go into the master bedroom.

Grant: “Look at that bed! Holy cow!”

Whistles from the group. It is a nice bed, but it is not really anything to whistle at, unless you are used to sleeping in cardboard boxes.

Carroll: “This is furniture built in the 1870’s.”

Jason: “All right, so what kind of activity is goin’ on in this room?”

Carroll: “A lady is seen in Victorian clothing sitting in the bay window reading. These windows open with a beautiful view of the hollow. There are many stories of hauntings and sighting of beings down in those grounds.”

Jason: “Maybe we’ll send some guys out there.”

Back downstairs:

Jason: “So what we’re gonna do from here is we’re gonna go upstairs, we’re gonna talk to the rest of the crew. Steve runs the whole tech department.”

TM:  The whole tech department, which consists of Dustin.

MB:  And Dave.

TM:  Dustin and Dave.  The annual tech department picnic is awesome.

MB:  It probably was when Brian was in charge.

TM:  He did have a certain joie de vivre that Steve seems to lack.

Carroll: “All right.”

Jason: “He’s responsible for setting up cameras in all parts of the home.”

Carroll: “Okay, great. Can’t wait!”

Steve interviews: “Jason and Grant took me on the tour of the Dr. Ellis house. It made everything go a lot smoother. I could see the exact locations of the cameras. I knew where the activity was and where the camera should be pointed. I hope they continue to do that.”

MB:  None of this silliness about involving Donna.

TM:  Donna should be kept away from technical equipment.

MB:  Because she’s a stupid girl.

TM:  Precisely.  Girls can’t be in the tech department.  Although I suppose that means the tech department picnics consist mostly of Cheez Whiz and Cheetos.

FRONT PORCH

8:25 PM

Jason: “Hey, Dust – Steve went on the tour with us. He knows a lot of the areas of activity and we need to set up cameras. Save the high-8 because you and Dustin are going to go for a walk. There’s a wooded section across the street you guys are gonna check up.”

Steve: “I’m not goin’ in the woods.”

Jason: “I can’t go in the woods. I’m terrified of ticks.”

MB:  He’s not afraid of ticks.  He’s afraid of Lyme Disease.

TM:  Nah.  He’s not afraid of bubonic plague.  It’s those scary rats.

MB:  But it’s okay if the minions come down with a debilitating incurable disease.

TM:  Well, yeah.  Duh.

Steve: “Spiders! You have a bigger tick phobia than my spider phobia?”

A major hubbub ensues, with Grant trying to intervene, and Dustin looking on agog.

Jason: “Spiders are…”

Steve interviews: “I’m afraid of a lot of things, you know, like heights. I don’t like flying, I don’t like spiders.”

TM:  Seafood, clowns, frogs.

MB:  Books.  Bridges.

TM: Carrots.  Mushrooms.

MB:  I wonder if he has used any of his Ghost Hunters money for a little therapy.

TM:  Therapy is for sissies.

MB:  Sissies get to go see the Pyramids.

TM:  Real men go by boat.

Steve, in scene: “Spiders are anywhere that there’s a branch, wood, trees. Dustin and Dave can go in the woods.”

Jason: “You standin’ your ground on this, yes or no?”

Steve self-debates a moment, then decides: “Yes.”

Jason: “All right, then. I respect that. All right, let’s get the cameras set up.”

A bunch of unintelligible jokes and comments follows, finished up by someone exhorting a dude to rock’n’roll.

Steve grabs Dave from behind and makes him jump.

Carroll interviews: “I would expect the results to show some activity in the house here. When we do get things on camera, that’s going to be even more proof that this is, in fact, real.”

TM:  Ha!  Not the way these guys operate, dude.

MB:  Don’t call Carroll “dude.”  He’s so not a dude.  He’s civilized.

Jason interviews: “Including Steve on the tour made the set-up of the equipment go a lot smoother. He pretty much had first-hand knowledge of where everything needed to be set up and how to run the equipment. We definitely gotta keep on doing that.”

MB:  No, no, no.  Information passed along second- and third-hand adds so much more to the mix.

TM:  Yeah.  It’s no fun when things run smoothly.  I like seeing Steve get all steamed and sarcastic.

Steve: “We’re puttin’ this camera here because they’re gonna get a shot of this going all the way into that corner including the piano, and so I’m just gonna hang it this way. So it is not gonna go anywhere.”

He tapes a camera to window glass. [Which, you know, if the tape fails and the camera falls to the floor – well, no one wants to be Steve.]

TM:  That’s like trying to glue apples into a box.

MB:  Who would do that?

TM:  Precisely.  It doesn’t work, Shazia.

MB:  God bless you.

Dave: “Steve got a little creative with the tape – uh – which is good, you know? He was like MacGyver with it.”

Out at the van, where Command Central is staying for the evening:

Dave: “This is the last thing and then we go dark, right?”

Donna is hanging out by the van not doing much besides pursing her lips.

Jason, uncharacteristically jovial tonight: “Let’s do it, brother.”

Dave: “Hit it?”

Jason: “He can flip my switch, baby.”

Donna: “I’ll flip your swatch.”

TM:  The thought of being on a road trip to Arkansas with this crew is just blood-curdling.

MB:  I know.  Hauling handcarts across the Rockies with Mormons would be preferable.

There are old-fashioned push-button switches in the Dr. Ellis house, which makes a nice change for the ritual killing of the lights. The house goes dark.

Jason: “All right, guys, we got all the cameras set up.”

[could there have not been anything the editors could use to fill out this episode? anything???]

Jason interviews: “I’m gonna put Dave and Dustin together and have them do just a quick walk down the path. There’s a wooded section across the street. There’s been a lot of reports of – uh – ghostly activity coming from the woods, also strange animal sightings.

TM:  The Legend of Boggy Creek strange animals?  Or gowrow strange animals?  Or albino squirrel strange animals?

MB:  Hardly anyone ever sees ghosts in the woods, you know.

TM:  And why is that?  Maybe’s it’s aliens and sasquatch.

Jason, in scene: “Keep a walkie on you. I don’t need you getting’ lost in the woods in Arkansas, ‘cause my ass is goin’ home in a couple of days with or without you.”

The gang chortles and shuffles around.

Jason: “Steve, you and Donna – [to Carroll] you – I’m sure you’re gonna do a walk-through with ‘em.”

Jason interviews: “They can talk with Carroll back and forth. If Carroll’s getting any impressions, snap off some pictures, check the EMF meters.”

Steve: “Maybe try to correlate our EMF with his – uh – feelings.”

MB:  Doesn’t he know his lip could stay curled that way if he keeps doing that?

Jason: “I think that’d be great. All right. So let’s get this show goin’. C’mon.”

Steve: “Okay, let’s go.”

PARLOR

9:30 PM

Steve: “This is Donna, Steve, and Carroll in Carroll’s parlor.”

Carroll: “Ah – I’m having a lot of energy.”

Steve interviews: “Carroll jumped right into the investigation. Even though he claims to be a medium, he respected our scientific methods so I respected his – uh – psychic methods and I think we worked pretty good together.”

Steve, in scene: “What do you think they prefer to be called, Carroll? Spirits? Entities?”

Carroll: “Uh – beings. Just beings.”

Steve: “Beings?”

Carroll: “Uh-huh.”

TM:  When I’m a ghost, I’d darn well better be called an entity.

MB:  I’d rather be a ghost.

TM:  Although Satan’s emissary would be okay.

Outside by the van, Jason is issuing orders to the lambs being sacrificed on the phobia altar.

Jason: “Dave and Dustin – get suited up and sprayed down with as much DEET as possible ‘cause I don’t want you guys coming back tick-infested.”

Dustin sprays Dave.

Dustin: “Don’t breathe through your mouth.”

Dave tightly purses his lips, as a self-reminder not to breathe.

Jason: “Be safe. Don’t screw around. Stay together.”

Dustin: “All right, bro.”

Jason, to Dave: “It’s a head lamp. You want to use it? Don’t lose it. If you lose it, I’ll castrate you.”

Dave: “Puh. Okay.”

MB:  See, this is the kind of thing that makes me want to call social services on this family.   He’s already threatened to leave them behind in Arkansas.

TM:  But it’s Jason’s head lamp.  It may cost, like thirty or forty dollars.  Whereas Dave’s testicles are…

MB:  Let’s leave poor Dave’s testicles alone.

HAUNTED HOLLOW

10:48 PM

Dustin: “I would love to catch somethin’ on film there. This would be awesome. Let’s look in the woods there, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Dustin: “I thought I saw something move.”

Dave: “Where?”

Dustin interviews: “This is a creepy situation because in this setting your eyes can really play tricks on you.”

Dave swerves wildly: “Ooh! Webs!” He waves his hands. “Uckh!”

Their flashlights shine on something that looks like a humongous toadstool.

Dustin: “Oh, it’s kind of like the other sundial.”

A giant spider lurks under the top of whatever it is, inspiring considerable fear and loathing, considering Steve isn’t around.

Dustin: “Look at that guy. That is unbelievable. Ooh – you can see [garbled]  whatever it is like where its mouth is.”

MB:  The sound quality is incredibly crappy on these episodes – thanks, Pilgrim.

TM:  All the money they save on sound and closed-captioning goes to the special effects.

MB:  Like jacket-jerking?  Oh, I know.   I’ll shut up.

The spider jumps off the thing, causing the guys to jump. Dave shrieks.

Dave: “Where’d he go? Where’d he go?”

Dustin: “We’re not hunting for spiders. We’re lookin’ for ghosts. Dave – right. What’s that right there? Take a picture of that.”

TM:  He still believes.

MB:  Or he’s still looking for ghosts.  Who knows?

Dave: I thought I just saw somethin’. I think I saw eyes.”

Dustin: “There it is! There it is! See it? Whoa!”

Dave: “What is it? What is that thing?”

Dustin: “There’s somethin’ down there.”

Dave: ‘We’re like a sittin’ duck out here. Where the hell is that?”

Dustin: “Dude, there’s gotta be something going on over there.”

Dave: “Those eyes!”

The two ghost hunters are flashing their flashlights around and taking pictures through all of this search frenzy.

Dustin: “What’s that?”

TM:  If only they could get a shot of a Sasquatch, or a gowrow.

MB:  Then they could get a reality show of their own.

TM:  Monster Hunters.

MB:  Never finding proof of monsters would be a surefire hit on SciFi.

TM:  SyFy.

MB:  Seefee?

TM:  Anyway, I think someone is already doing that.  Not that that should stop them.  We can’t have too many shows about nothing.

THE INVESTIGATION

HAUNTED HOLLOW

THURSDAY 11:39 PM

Dave: “Oh, this is as creepy as hell, man.”

Dustin: ‘Where’d it go?”

Dave: “It was right there.”

Dustin: “Let’s go close.”

Dave: “There it is!”

Dustin: “Where is it?”

Dave: “Right there. See it?”

IT’S BAMBI!!!

TM:  OH MY GOD IT REALLY IS BAMBI!

MB:  The mighty hunters have been stalking a fawn.

TM:  If that isn’t illegal, it should be.  Baby deer harassment.

MB:  Jason would have run screaming, because, you know…

TM:  Deer ticks!  RUN, GUYS!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Dave: “It’s a deer.”

Dustin: “Oh, yeah. Let’s leave him alone. You’re gonna scare him to death with your lights. Hey, it’s tough to do a case in the woods.”

TM:  Well, yeah.  Especially when it’s so imaginary they don’t even know what they’re looking for.

Elsewhere:

Grant interviews: “We need to make it a situation where J. and I sit down with Carroll and figure him out.”

Carroll is viewed through the FLIR.

Carroll: “I know as a medium that the spontaneous things are what really happen.”

Jason interviews: “If Carroll feels anything’s in the room, we’re gonna try to solidify it with the thermal imaging camera.”

MB:  Yeah, that’ll work.  Because ghosts are like walking space heaters.

TM:  Grosts certainly are.

MB:  Ghants.

Grant interviews: “And honestly, to find out if he’s really what he claims to be, not – not to shoot him down or anything, but we need to capture stuff that you can see with your eyes.”

Jason, in scene: “How long have you known that you’re sensitive?”

Carroll: “All – years. When I was a little kid I was knowing things that were going to happen.”

Jason: “Can you give me a psychic reading of myself?”

Carroll: “Well, let me try here. You need to repeat your full name three times to give me permission to ready your energy.”

Jason: “Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes.”

MB:  His middle name is Conrad!

TM:  I wanted it to be “Lee.”

Jason interviews: “A medium will sometimes give a person a reading. What that actually entails is trying to absorb some of the person’s energy to – uh – be able to see the events in the past that are leading them to the point where they will be in the future. We believe that very few mediums are legit.”

TM:  That is an incredibly touchy-feely definition of a medium.  Methinks Jason has been hanging around with psychics an awful lot.

MB:  That’s probably where they learned how to run strings through jackets.  And throw coat hangers!

Carroll: “This is come to me – a farm house in the country, uh – a big like oak trees or something around it, and – um – it’s not really your place of residence. Is it like an uncle or something?”

Jason: “Um – yeah, actually.” He scratches his head. “It was an uncle.”

Carroll: “Okay, okay. You’ve also got deceased family members who come to you when you’re asleep, is that correct?”

Jason: “That’s correct.”

MB:  I hope these deceased family members are slapping him upside the head when they visit.

TM:  Do you think the dead can be embarrassed by their relations?

MB:  I hope not.

Carroll seen through the FLIR suddenly has a rainbow aura vibrating around him, which is weird.

MB:  What’s that?

TM:  That’s the surprise.  I don’t know.  Although some people think it involves Grant’s thumb.

MB:  Do I want to know?

TM:  Probably not.

Carroll: “Yes, okay. I think your wife is not quite so interested. Is that correct?”

Jason: “That would be correct.”

Grant interviews: “When a medium or sensitive tries a reading, when it comes to sensitivity there are many different levels, but I think probably about 95-96 per cent of the people who I come across who claim that they are sensitives are not.”

TM:  95 or 96?  These guys really have been spending too much time around psychics.

MB:  Well, Grant would know.  I mean – it takes a fake to know a fake, n’est-ce pas?

TM:  Tch.

Carroll: “Uh – when you were a child you had a shock to your psyche in a sense, a life-changing experience.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Carroll: “Okay.”

Jason: “Yeah, I reckon that’s a way to put it.”

Grant: ‘Don’t forget – I get a turn, too.”

Jason: “You wanna sit here for a minute and get a reading? I’m gonna go outside.”

Jason interviews: “One thing you need to be cautious with when it comes to dealing with a psychic is the questions that they ask you. You’re tryin’ to block somebody from of course getting into your mind.”

MB:  So much for not believing in psychics!  “Getting into your mind” – pft.

TM:  I think he’s afraid of ol’ Carroll.  Psychics must be right up there with ticks.

Carroll: “Give me your full name three times and permission to read you.”

Grant: “Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson.”

Carroll: “You had a visitation from the other side that set you spinning.”

Grant: “Mm-hmm.”

TM:  These tiresome secret stories again.

MB:  I know.  The more they keep them secret, the less I want to know what they are.  I don’t care what stupid Grant experienced.  I don’t care if the baby Jesus himself crowned Grant with thorns and pronounced him the next messiah.

Grant interviews: “I was impressed with Carroll. The thing that got me the most was his percentage of accuracy with J. and myself.”

Carroll: “It was almost a near-death experience.”

Grant: “Uh – yeah.”

From somewhere nearby, there are two loud bangs. Grant turns his head, and upstairs somewhere, Steve and Donna are transfixed, too.

Donna: “What was that?”

Grant tells a returned Jason: “While we were downstairs we did hear a big bang.

Steve, upstairs with Donna: “Hold on. What was this?”

Grant: “It seemed like it was probably in here somewhere.”

Jason and Grant go to the parlor where the piano is.

Grant: “Ohhhhhh noooooooo! Crap.”

Steve’s MacGyvered camera has fallen to the floor.

TM:  I told you so.

MB:  And this is the guy in charge of the whole tech department.

Grant: “Steve had a crazy camera perch.”

Jason: “Ah – it fell off the window.”

Grant: “He perched it up. I had fear that was going to happen.”

Jason: “Did it burn you?”

Grant: “No one’s out in the van watchin’ it.”

Jason: “Oh, man!” He addresses the recording untended in the van. “This is Jason and Grant in here. There was a big bang that happened in this room. It was the actual camera falling from the window to the floor. So if it’s broken, Steve, you owe me four hundred bucks.”

MB:  Let’s see. So far Jason has promised his underlings abandonment in Arkansas and castration,  forced them out into a tick-infested wilderness, and now intends to collect financial damages.

TM:  Bad daddy.

We see the four-screen monitor, and it’s June 11, 2005, but all the cameras seem to be in place.

Jason: “So Dustin’s doin’ a walk-through in the woods [he makes a face] – puuhh – god, they gotta be covered in ticks.”

HAUNTED HOLLOW

6 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Dave: “Is there a black thing right there? Oh, there’s a shadow. Sorry.”

Dustin: “Whatever am I gonna do with you, Dave?”

There is a loud crunching noise. Dave looks down at the ground.

Dave: “Oh, glass! Watch out for the glass. Oh, look at this.”

Dustin: “It’s a little bench.”

He suddenly starts, and then titters. A lovely charcoal grey kitty is rubbing against his leg.

Dustin has had enough strange animal encounters: “I think we should probably start heading back, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Back at the van, as the exhausted minions try to recover from their woodland travails, Jason is ruthless.

Jason: “You guys tick-infested?”

Dustin: “Uh – I hope not.”

Grant: “Hey Steve – you know your ingenious concoction on the window fell?”

Steve: “Are you serious?”

Grant: “No, that’s good, because now we know the cameras can handle a – you know – six-foot fall or whatever.”

Jason: “Yeah, try not to drop them anymore.”

Grant and Donna laugh, but nobody else does.

Jason: “All right, let’s pack up. Let’s do it. Let’s do it quiet.”

Donna winds extension cord on her arm.  There’s a lot of ripping tape off of woodwork.

TM:  For the varnish, I say ouch.

Jason: “We got a lot of evidence to go through – oh my gosh.”

MB:  Psshh.  He’s got nothing to go through.

TM:  He’s going back for another herbal body wrap and a mani-pedi at the spa.

MB:  Don’t say that.  It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Cases are shut. Doors are slammed.

Jason takes leave of Carroll.

Jason: “We’re gonna head out of here and over the next few days we’re gonna go through all the evidence we got here and we’ll come back, sit down and show you what we caught, what we didn’t catch and so forth.”

Carroll: “Great.”

Grant: “All right, well – thank you very much.”

Carroll: “Thank you very much.”

Jason: “It’s been a pleasure, Carroll. I’ll talk to you real soon.”

Carroll interviews: “I was so happy that TAPS came here to investigate. The experience with Jason and Grant has been wonderful. It’s like we’ve always done this.”

MB:  Carroll looks a tad out there.

TM: You’d look crazed too if you’d just had to spend a night with  TAPS.

MB:  This is true.

Grant pulls Jason to the side before they leave.

Grant: “I don’t know what was goin’ on in there but I just saw something I’ve never ever seen before.”

Jason: “What’d you see?”

The FLIR view of Carroll with his vibrating rainbow aura is replayed.

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

FRIDAY 2:10 AM

Grant and Jason reprise the last bit of conversation. A split screen shows Carroll in FLIR-vision and night-vision as he talks to Jason.

Grant: “I was zoomed in on Carroll, and it was like psychedelic. It was like a 70s hippie show – colors flashin’, kaleidoscopin’ in front of my eyes. We’re not supposed to say things in front of the client. I’m sittin’ in the chair, video-tapin’ this crazy kaleidoscope show, and I’ve just been dyin’ to tell ya.”

TM:  I want to know how Grant knows about 70s hippie shows.

MB:  He saw Head.

Jason: ‘Well, it’s funny you say that because while he was tryin’ to read me, I was tryin’ to block it.”

Grant: “Well, that’s exactly when it happened was when he was asking you those questions you didn’t wanna answer but it only happened when it seemed like the conversation was getting intense.”

Jason interviews: “I asked Carroll a question that I really didn’t want him to have the answer for, to the point where it was gonna be hard for him to read me, and Grant picked up some strange thermal imaging camera – uh – images.”

Grant interviews: “It wasn’t subtle at all. It’s insane. It was coming from J. and it was almost like you could see that struggle, but hey, it’s just a theory. I’m not saying that’s what it was.”

TM:  Well, you have to admit it was a little peculiar.

MB:  Yeah, but it’s Grant, and I wouldn’t believe Grant now if he told me the sun comes up in the east.

TM:  It’s that over?

MB:  Yep.  Finito.  You were right all along.

THE ANALYSIS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

SATURDAY 8:15 AM

So they’re back at the Crescent Hotel, which they supposedly left yesterday.

Steve interviews: “We’re getting ready to analyze the evidence for Carroll’s house. We have a lot of work to do, and a little time to do it, so we’re gonna start now and – uh – get through it.”

TM:  That’s good to know.  Because I thought they weren’t.

MB:  The editors of Ghost Hunters must have terrible dreams at night.

TM:  Do you think they will go to hell for it?

MB:  Don’t be silly.

TM:  Purgatory?

MB:  They’re already in purgatory.  So are we.  Let’s get this done, please.

The three analyzers look exactly the way they did when they were analyzing the Crescent Hotel evidence.

Steve: “Dave, all set?

Dustin and Dave nod.

They look at some footage of orbs.

Steve: “Now there’s those two, but what about that first one? It’s pretty bright.”

Dustin: “The first one is pretty bright. It’s solid.”

Steve: “I vote dust.”

Dustin: “Agreed.”

Dave: “Agreed.”

Dave interviews: “We had a lot to go through but we got a few things that was definitely worth all the wait.”

Steve: “Jason and Grant mentioned that when they were talking to Carroll some weird stuff was going on with the thermal so I wanna check that out.”

Dustin interviews: “The thermal cam seemed worth its weight in gold this time around.”

Steve: “Crazy colors – check this out.”

Dave: “Wow.”

Steve: “This doesn’t read energy, this reads heat but then energy is heat, and maybe his body’s just gettin’ hotter and…”

Dustin: “That’s crazy.”

Steve: “Jason is sitting adjacent to him. The Jason one is the craziest ‘cause the energy starts to rise, starts to build off of him.”

Dustin: “Whoa. What is that?”

Steve: “Whoa. That has gone crazy. It’s pretty weird.”

Dustin: “I don’t know, man. That’ll make you think.

Dave: “Haaaaa. That’s – that’s weird.” He shudders.

TM:  This is like watching Bob and Doug do scientific analysis.

MB:  Or Bill and Ted.

TM:  Heckle and Jeckle.

MB:  Uncle.

TM:  The professor and Mary Anne.

MB:  I said…

Steve interviews: “I’ve never seen thermal footage like that that we recorded at Carroll’s house. I’ve never seen it in regards to working with a sensitive or a psychic, and I think it might lend a little more credibility to the spiritual side of paranormal investigation.”

TM:  Sure, it will, Steve.  Especially in conjunction with the thermal footage of the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

THE FINDINGS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

MONDAY 11:45 AM

Jason and Grant come to the peons’ room, just like they did before in the first part.

MB:  That’s spooky.

TM:  I thought they left the Crescent Hotel.

MB:  Ssh.  The editors forgot.  And they have enough problems.

Jason: “Hey, guys. What’s goin’ on?”

Grant: “Let us see what we got, man.”

Steve: “The thermal – uh – the Dr. Ellis house.”

Jason: “All right.”

Steve: “Of you and Carroll.”

Grant: “Yeah, I’d love for him to see that. I was stuck in that chair. It was like I was watching a Hendrix video.”

Steve: “So J., this is where you’re being read by Carroll.”

Jason: “Okay.”

Steve: “Now watch it. The thermal image grows off of you toward Carroll.”

Grant: “That’s why I panned it across.”

Steve: “You follow it, some kind of light – here it comes.”

Jason: “What the heck?”

MB:  I don’t know.  I want to believe,  but I can’t.  What did you say about Grant’s thumb?

TM:  Stephen of The Skeptical Viewer points out that the psychedelia only occurs when Grant’s holding the camera, so he suspects it’s Grant’s sticky fingers right next to the lens.

MB:  For crying out loud – are we supposed to believe they screwed up this badly two times in a row by accident?

TM:  I’d prefer to think that than that they’re smart enough to do it on purpose.

MB:  Oh, right.  I forgot.  Grant’s version of a high-tech hoax involves string.

Jason interviews: “After viewing the thermal footage of when me and Carroll were sitting downstairs talking, I had no idea. I had no response. Uh – that’s – that’s different but you know, I’m not gonna draw any conclusions yet.”

Grant interviews: “I’m glad J. finally got to see it today and really understand what I was seeing.”

Steve: “Now watch Carroll. As soon as he moves his hand, he kind of wipes it away.”

In the footage, Carroll raises a hand and lowers it, and with that, the vibrating rainbow whisks back off into the ether. It’s like magic.

Jason frowns.

Grant interviews: “When Jason saw the footage, I think it had an impact on him to see something actually generating from around his area and span across the room. I think Jason is a little confused by it.”

MB:  Okay, now I’m wondering if Grant thinks Jason is a moron.

TM:  Dollars to doughnuts. Although in a perfect world it really should be doughnuts to dollars.

Jason interviews: “This case isn’t anything like any case we’ve ever worked on.”

Grant: “We don’t pretend to have equipment that’s specifically designed to pick up psychic energy, so maybe Carroll’s haunted, and not his house.”

MB:  Carroll is haunted by a ghant.

TM:   Grost.

Behind him, Dave lifts an eyebrow and nods.

THE REVEAL

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

TUESDAY 5:31 PM

In the van on the way back to Carroll’s house:

Jason: “Uh – what do you think about his psychic abilities?”

Grant: “We went there to see if the house was haunted and what we do have is some weird footage when had was tryin’ to read you. I don’t want to say that that’s proof because I don’t know what that means, but we have to show him.

Jason: “I am wonderin’ if when he sees that footage if he’s gonna toot his own horn.”

And with the milk of human kindness flowing as always in his veins, Jason goes to ring the doorbell.

Jason: “Hey, Carroll.

Carroll: “Just come sit down.”

Jason: “Thank you.”

Grant: “Well, Carroll, it’s good to see you again. How’ve you been the last couple days?”

Carroll: “Fine.”

Grant: “Any new activity in the house?”

Carroll: “Yes. Our unseen friends are really interested – ‘what are you doing with all this equipment and stuff in here?’” He chuckles.

Jason: “We’d like to show you some footage that we caught with the thermal imaging camera downstairs during the time that – uh – I asked you to give me a reading.”

Grant: “Keep in mind that this does not measure light, does not measure energy. It only measures heat. Now here it just goes psychedelic.”

Carroll: “That’s fascinating.”

Grant: “Take from it what you will. I don’t know what it is. At this point you were reading Jason and he was not wanting you to.”

Carroll laughs.

Jason: “Even though I was asking you to give me a reading, I was also trying to keep you from giving me a reading because my story has always been my story. I have always wanted to keep that private.”

Carroll: “We all have things that we would rather not have revealed.”

MB:  SO SO TRUE!

Grant: “So – uh – just watch what happens. It’s kinda interesting.”

Carroll: “Whoop. Ah!”

Grant: “J. launches a missile at ya.”

Carroll: “Ah, yes.”

Grant: “We use thermal quite a bit. We did not expect to find this, don’t know what it means, so I don’t wanna read too much into it, but it’s an anomaly that we can’t explain.”

Jason: “What would you think?”

Carroll: “There’s an awfully high level of energy obviously, either from me or from our unseen friends.”

Carroll interviews: “I don’t think Jason was getting tension or nervous. His curiosity was generating a lot of energy, and I was sending him energy, and reading energy at the same time. The thermal footage just validates what we mediums do. Our – our aura, as we call it around us, our energy will change color, so the thermal imaging is very good proof of that.”

Grant: We got something weird. What it was, I don’t know.”

Jason: “Just wanted to stop by, show you this and tell ya we really appreciate you havin’ us out. It was a pleasure.”

Carroll: “It’s been a real pleasure, Jason.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Shaking of hands.

Grant: “Keep in touch, okay?”

Carroll interviews: “It’s an incredible thing that TAPS is doing. It helps to sell the general public on the fact that what we mediums do is real and that there is another side that communicates with us.”

TM:  Incredible is the word.

MB:  Poor Carroll.

TM:  Eh, I don’t think the weasel can do much harm to ol’ Carroll.

In the car:

Jason: “So that didn’t go too bad.”

Grant: “I was impressed with Carroll. I thought he was going to snatch that evidence and claim it but he really didn’t. He was like us. He didn’t know what to make of it.”

Jason: “We have a good day and a half ride out of this, man. Get back to Rhode Island, you know. Well, lay back, sleep a little, ‘cause I’m makin’ you drive some point on this trip.”

Grant: “All right. Fair enough.”

The black TAPS SUV tootles along out of the Ozarks, off to new horizons ripe for hornswoggling.

MB:  Gah.

TM:  Feel better?

MB:  No.

TM: At least we finished the episode.

MB: There’s that.

TM:  Happy Halloween!

MB:  Right.

In the wake of the debacle which was the annual live Halloween broadcast for Ghost Hunters 2008, from Fort Delaware, in which Grant pitifully faked being accosted by a ghost and told to go away, he has opined that the only people who would stoop to question his veracity are haters of the show and the whole paranormal field.

Au contraire, ma pauvre petite belette.  Only the deeply disappointed would be so outraged, to the point of dissecting the lameness in excruciating, mortifying detail.  To wit – a former Ghost Hunters fan, named formerghfan, has labored mightily to reveal the Truth, in 3D.  It would be quite devastating, if the notion of shame were part of the TAPS world view.  Happily for Hans and Franz, it isn’t.

And there are more former fans rending their garments and crafting sorrowful videos, like this one.  A lengthy and fascinating print vivisection of the episode may be read here.

Mme. B. is off sulking somewhere (although I think she believes the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum juju is directly responsible for this current disgrace) so I feel safe in contradicting her.  Grant Wilson is Marianne Foyster.     Next, he will enter into a bigamous marriage, move to North Dakota, and die in obscurity. Or, not.  I hear he has been throwing coat hangers.

We love youtube.

Here’s some Halloween hilarity we missed.  Well, actually – we didn’t miss it at all.  Here it is!

Nice work, moviedan! Especially the grand finale.  We laughed and laughed.  Now Mme. Blahblatsky has a splitting headache.

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose always think it’s Halloween.  So we don’t celebrate much on the real one anymore.  Nevertheless, we feel we must apologize for posting a totally non-ghost Ghost Hunters “ghost” account below.   It feels grinch-like.

But we totally know there are ghosts hanging around.  They just can’t be hunted on television, by idiots.

Here’s a message from Mme. Blahblatsky’s house ghost, written in dust on a dollhouse roof many years ago.  We can’t figure it out, either.  We think that may be the point.

And no, it’s not “dust me.”  Jeezum crow.

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp the Crescent Hotel, episode 213 of the second season of the make-believe reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of Rhode Island plumbers try to improve their fortunes through hornswoggling the ever-gullible public, which is us.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

Brian is still visible in the credits – the back of his head, and part of a profile. Andy and Carl are in the credits, but where are they really? They must have actual jobs.

TM:  Not everyone can run off to Arkansas at the drop of a wrench.

The horrible swingy traveling music introduces the ever-popular Roto-Rooter van. Jason and Grant are “plumbing” somewhere, wearing rubber gloves.

Jason: “So I was talkin’ to Donna about this – uh – place in Arkansas, Eureka Springs? It’s the Crescent Hotel – literally strange history behind it.”

Grant: “Like what?”

Jason: “They’ve witnessed apparitions of a doctor that used to be on staff walking down the hallway, voices. Uh – it’s a hotel now but at one point it was a – a fake cancer-killing place.”

Grant makes a face: “Eww.”

Jason: “Yeah. So the basement used to be pretty much a morgue. So there’s a lot of activity down there as well. So they just want us to come up, check the place out.”

Grant nods: “Cool! Yeah, it sounds good.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

A cut to Dave Tango emerging from the TAPS alley in downtown Warwick, carrying equipment.

Grant interviews: “We’re really interested in the Crescent Hotel case. It sounds like it’s got amazing history. The whole town of Eureka Springs is built on these cold natural springs and – uh – there’s a theory out there that the whole town is haunted.”

TM:  Does that mean a ghost in every house?  Or just a ghost on every block?  Or maybe there are only a few ghosts but they move around a lot?

MB:  Stupid color commentary.  If the “whole” Queen Mary wasn’t haunted, I doubt that the whole of Eureka Springs can be.  Unless there’s a ghost in every house.

TM:  That would be different.

Donna, Dustin, Steve, Jason and Grant march out to the parking lot, followed by the still fetching-and-carrying Dave. The black caravan (two SUV’s and the tech van) saddles up and moves out.

Donna, atypically driving, carols: “Here we come, Arkansas! Watch out!”

TM;  Yeah, Arkansas, watch the hell out.

MB:  It’s nice of Donna to warn them.

TM:  Do you think Donna knows, or at least suspects, she’s not working with the Boy Scouts of America?

MB:  No.  It’s not like she’s psychic.

Steve: “It’s gonna be one looooonng drive, but when we get there hopefully it will be worth it.”

TM: It’s only 1,462 miles!  Just a nice 24-hour drive.  A mere weekend jaunt for The Atlantic Paranormal Society, surely.

MB:  What ever happened to those complaining wives?

TM:  I think they got bought new Volvo station wagons and shut the heck up.

We pass highway signs for New Jersey, Ohio, and Indiana.

Jason: “Hey, Arkansas state line.”

TM:  Missouri, the “Show Me” state, wouldn’t let them through.

Donna, still driving – now with one hand, yells into her radio: “Woo hoo!”

Steve: “Oh. We’re in Arkansas finally.”

MB:  And there, in a nutshell, is the difference between Donna and Steve.  Light and dark.

TM:   Cheese and chalk.

MB:  The half-full glass vs…

TM:  Chocolate and carob.

MB:  I can’t even…

TM:  Apples and rutabagas.

MB:  We’re done.

Arkansas has rolling green hills and limestone terraces.

Grant: “This is pretty nice.”

Jason: “I’ve gotta say, it’s actually beautiful. I never expected this for Arkansas.”

MB:  For crissakes it’s the OZARKS.  What did he expect?  Strip mines?

TM:  According to the Sterns, Arkansas is one of the seven top states for pie.  I want to see pie.

A “Welcome to Eureka Springs” sign welcomes us to Eureka Springs, which looks pretty picturesque.

Jason: “Cool thing here, guys, is this time we can check into the hotel and we go right into the investigation.”

MB:  They could have done that on the Queen Mary.

TM:  That hasn’t happened yet.

MB:  But this is episode 213.

TM:  It is over a month before the California vacation.

MB:  They didn’t even drive to California from here?

TM:  No.

MB:  So when do they plumb?

TM:  I’m guessing nights and weekends.

Steve: “Excellent.”

Donna: “Sounds good to me.”

A sign indicates the Crescent Hotel was built 1886.

TM:  That graphic designer should be sued.

MB:  It is a little jarring.  But not worse than the Winchester Mystery House signs.

TM:  Someday it will seem quaint, I suppose.

MB:  And someone will pay a lot of money to reproduce it.

TM:  Early 21st-century northwestern Arkansas interpretation of late-20th-century American graphic design zeitgeist.

MB:  Okay, maybe not.

It’s a large, 3-story limestone building with a multi-dormered roof and a lot of chimneys. The caravan sweeps up to the front entrance canopy, and doors open. Jason and Grant go inside. Two men are waiting for them.

Jason: “Hey. How you doin?”

Thirty-something Jack Moyer, Hotel General Manager: “Great.”

Jason: “Jason from TAPS.”

Jack: “Jack Moyer. I’m the hotel general manager. Welcome to the Crescent Hotel and Spa.”

Jason: “This place is incredible.”

Jack: “Thank you. Ken is our Eureka Springs historian. He’d like to show you around.”

Jason: “Awesome.”

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SATURDAY 3:13 PM

Ken, who seems to be of a more sedate age than his charges,  ushers them into a large dining room.

Ken Fugate, Historian: “The hotel was built in 1886 and over here at this table – um – is a gentleman that sits here.”

Jason: “This table right here?”

Ken: “He’s from the Victorian era. His name is Jacob, and it’s kind of a romantic story. What happened was he fell madly in love with this young lady, and he sits here at the table and he’s waiting for her to come to breakfast.”

Jason: “Now how do – how do you know that story?”

Ken: “It’s old stories that people have been telling since the Victorian days.”

TM:  Meaning it’s a bunch of embroidered hooey.

MB:  Hush.  I’ll take any crumbs of back story I can get.  Would you rather watch them unload extension cords?

TM:  We’re going to have to do that anyway.

The camera zips upstairs and down a hall.

Ken: “This room right here was Dr. Ellis’s office. He was a staff physician.”

Grant interviews: “Dr. Ellis was a well-respected physician back in the 1880’s. He really believed that these springs had healing power.”

Ken: “People report seeing a man dressed in Victorian outfit. The vision they have is him coming out of the elevator here and walking straight across and just straight through the door.”

Jason: “Where we gonna be heading now?”

Ken: “Uh – we’re going to go up to the fourth floor.” He stops in front of a door. “This is 419. A lot of people have reported – uh – you wake up the next morning and your clothes are neatly packed against the door.”

MB:  What, packed in a suitcase?  Or just stacked?

TM:  Neither.  It’s hooey.

Grant: “Against this door?”

Ken: “Yes, against the exterior of the door.”

Grant: “I’d love to stay in this. Is it possible we could get…”

Ken: “Uh – I will certainly get you the key. Let’s go on down to the hospital morgue.”

Grant interviews: “Back in the 1930’s, the Crescent Hotel was bought out by pretty much con artist who thought he had a magical cure for cancer, but – uh – the claims he made ended up just killin’ – uh – hundreds of people.”

MB:  Either he was a con artist or he thought he had a magical cure.

TM:  Either TAPS is a bunch of con artists or they think they have scientific proof of ghosts.

MB:  If you’re implying both realities can exist within the same space-time continuum, I suppose you have a point.

TM:  No.  Actually I was just calling TAPS a bunch of con artists.  Except for Donna, of course.

Jason: “This the place that they actually had the bodies?”

Ken: “Uh – correct. All the cancer patients – uh – received an autopsy, and I want to introduce you to one of our best artifacts that we have of the hospital period, and that’s this autopsy table.”

Grant: “Wuuuhh.”

Jason: “I’m a Roto-Rooter plumber. I actually had to work at a morgue one time. It’s a nasty job.”

TM: Hey, I don’t think the autopsy table is all that thrilled about meeting Grant and Jason, either.

MB:  I want to know how long the Crescent Hotel was really a “fake cancer-killing place.”

The morgue now has a boombox.

Ken: “Okay, what I want to show you now is a special room over here. In this room is where they stored the body parts that they were studying.”

Grant: “Ah, come on!”

Ken: “Yeah, and they were stored in large jars of formaldehyde, and the activity in this room is from the guard. He kind of feels hostile.”

TM:  And who wouldn’t be, if you had to guard body parts?

MB:  This is ridiculous.  Why would “they” be studying body parts if “they” had a miracle cure?  And especially if the miracle cure didn’t work.  I don’t believe there were any jars of body parts.   And anyway,  I don’t think body parts haunt places.

TM: Aren’t you the cynic now?

Grant: “Okay.”

Ken: “Um – so if you can give us some help with that we’d appreciate it.”

Grant: “Yeah, okay.”

Jack interviews: “We invited TAPS in because we hear all the time that we’re America’s most haunted hotel. We had employees that have had occurrences. Even I’ve had some strange things that have happened that I can’t – can’t explain. So we thought it was about time that we find out if we truly do have some spirits here at the hotel.”

TM:  They also thought it was time they got some national publicity.  They’re claiming to be America’s most haunted hotel.

MB:  I thought that was the Queen Mary.

TM:  I’m sure Jack would say that technically, the Queen Mary and the Crescent Hotel aren’t in direct competition.  Because – you know – the Crescent Hotel can’t claim to be an enormous ocean liner.  Also, their ads put in the qualifier “resort” for hotel, and I don’t think Long Beach qualifies as a resort, despite the beach.

MB:  I suppose there could be dozens of America’s most haunted hotels, then.

TM: I’m sure there already are.  Jason and Grant are going to open the most haunted inn owned by plumbers.

MB:  No way!

TM:  In the land of “Live Free or Die,” which seems appropriate.  Speaking of con artists,  I can tell you that the Crescent Hotel was a fake cancer-killing place for all of three years – 1937 to 1940, the year the owner got hauled off to Leavenworth for mail fraud.

MB:  Not enough people get hauled off to Leavenworth for fraud.

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SATURDAY 6:40 PM

The minions left cooling their heels outside want to know “what’s up” upon the return of their masters from the tour.

Jason: “Hey, this is gonna be a work-out, that’s what’s up.”

Grant: “It’s a big place. We got the dining room, we got the annex, we got all the way up to the fourth floor.”

Jason: “Also we got downstairs, we’ve got the morgue.”

Steve perks up: “Oh, can I go down there?”

Jason: “You can go down there after you get my equipment set up, you guys can go down there.”

Steve smiles happily.

MB:  He has got to be paying them.  Who would put up with such a pompous tyrant otherwise?  “After you get my equipment set up.”  Psshh.

TM:  I know you think Steve is a pill, but at least he seems to have a work ethic.  What I keep wondering is how much does he know and when did he know it, and how does he justify continuing with TAPS given what he must know by now.  I mean – he’s their go-to guy for everything.

MB:  And do you have a theory as to why he would sacrifice his self-respect to further this business endeavor of the two plumbers?

TM:  Yep.  Girls!  He gets girls.

Tables are toted, extension cords are extended.

Steve interviews: “This is a really tough set-up, so in order to move things along, Donna’s talkin’ to Jason and Grant about the camera set-up.”

MB:  And I smell trouble!

TM:  This sounds awfully familiar.

Steve, in scene: “Donna’s comin’ up with a list, I guess.”

Dustin: “Okay.”

Steve: “Donna, you got that list for us?”
Donna: “Yeah. Obviously one camera in the morgue, hopefully two.”

Steve: “Impossible. Uh – we won’t have a cord that reaches that far.”

Donna: “They said there’s a window back there that can run…”

Steve: “I don’t know. Again they don’t tell us anything so…” He is peeved.

Donna: “We need a camera in the hallway – um – near 203.”

Steve: “They said they told you where and when the phenomena is happening.”

Donna stares at her list and screws up her mouth.

Donna: “Sorry. I didn’t get that.”

Steve: “Okay.”

MB:  That look on his face!  Why doesn’t he just scream “Idiot!” at her and be done with it?

TM: Girls wouldn’t like it.

Steve interviews: “I think Jason and Grant should probably get a better system down. The plan of telling Donna where to set up the tech stuff clearly didn’t work.”

Donna is still sitting on the stairs, rubbing her head.

Donna: “Oh boy.”

Steve, in scene: “We don’t know where in the room to aim the cameras or where the cameras are goin’.”

TM:  This sounds so familiar.

MB:  Two words – Andy Andrews.

TM:  New York City!  Oh, jeez.  More sucky melodrama about nothing.

MB:  Either the Lead Investigators are as dumb as posts, or they do this on purpose.

Elsewhere, Ken is trying to hook TAPS up with more Eureka Springs ghosts.

Ken: “If you guys are going to be in town for a while – uh – there’s a house – uh – that is quite active. It was Dr. Ellis’s home.”

Grant: “Oh, from 212?”

Ken: “It’s known around town as the most haunted house – the most active house in town.”

MB:  “Active” must mean they have “paranormal issues.”

TM:  Is that a scenario or a situation?

MB:  I guess that’s what TAPS has to find out.

Jason: “Yeah, let us check our schedules, and squeeze that in, especially if it’s one of the most active houses.”

TM:  He’s got to see if he can squeeze it in between his Swedish massage and his rosemary mint body wrap at the New Moon Spa.

MB:  Ack.  Must you  put the image of Jason getting a massage into my head?

TM:  Mud bath?

MB:  Better.

Steve barges in.

Steve: “Hey, guys. Sorry to bust this up for a second. Donna said that you guys want cameras in hallways…”

Grant: “No, there’s not…”

Steve: ‘That’s what she told me – two hallways.”

Jason: “Nah, let’s go for a walk.”

Steve interviews: “There’s no communication between Jason and Grant and myself as to where the camera placement should be. Uh – for some reason they told Donna, which doesn’t make any sense ‘cause she’s not in the tech department.”

TM:  Poor Steve. I think they do this on purpose.

MB:  It must be awfully dull without Brian to chivy.

Everyone has assembled to watch this flare-up of the tech wars.

Grant: “Right, we don’t need any cameras in the hallway. We need a camera in…”

Steve: “No cameras in the hallway.”

Grant: “In 203, filming the hallway to the elevator. Sorry if we weren’t clear, Donna.”

Jason: “All right? 419, we’re puttin’ the camera in the room.”

Donna: “Okay.”

Grant: “High-8 in the morgue.”

Jason: “In the morgue.”

Steve: “Just for future, like, this is a whole step that could have been completely – you know – skipped if I had – if you had just told me instead. It just goes back like the Merchant House with Andy Andrews.”

MB:  What did I tell you???

Jason, pointing at Donna: “If you were Andy Andrews, he would have said ‘You should have known better.’”

TM:  See?  It’s because Donna is a girl.

Donna is chewing her pen.

Grant: “Ah, it would have been chaos.”

Jason: “So don’t even tell me…”

Jason interviews: “We understand Steve’s point of view – uh – with not knowing where the equipment’s going and everything else, and me and Grant have talked and we really need to start including him on the tours.”

TM:  You think?

MB:  Aha!  So if the Queen Mary took place after this, and they included Steve on the tour, they actually learned something.

TM:  Yeah, but they’ve got memories like sieves.  The New York City episode was less than a month ago.

MB:  Oh, well.  I don’t care.

The taping of cords and  aiming of cameras ensues.

Steve: “What are you doing to this tape?”

Dave is struggling to rip off a piece of duct tape.

Dave: “I don’t know.”

Steve: “You gotta pinch and pull. See – pinch…”

Dave: “Yeah.”

Duct tape master Steve demonstrates : “And pull.”

TM:  Is that really duct tape?

MB:  I don’t know.  What else would it be?

TM:  Gaffer tape.

MB:  Whatever.

Dave: “Sort getting it now. No, I’m not.”

The gaffer tape refuses to pinch and pull properly, and he throws down a wad in disgust. Then he passes his hands over a nearby camera.

Dave: “Oh, crap.”

Dustin comes in: “Did you just move that camera?”

Dave: “By mistake.”

Dustin claps a hand to his forehead.

Cut to Dustin carrying extension cords and camera upstairs. He tries to open the door to room 419, but it doesn’t open easily. He shoves at it, looking down at the floor, then reaches into the room and switches on the light.

Dustin interviews: “When I opened the door to Grant’s room, his computer bag was propped up against it from the inside. I thought that was really weird so I figured I’d better go back and talk to Grant about it.”

TM:  JESUS H. CHRIST HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!  He is shameless.

MB:  Dustin?

TM:  Grant!  I just know he propped his computer bag up against the door as he shut it.  That’s ridiculously easy.

MB:  Oh.  Yeah.  It is.  Hunh.

Dustin proceeds downstairs to Jason’s room 303.

Dustin: “Hey, guys? Dude, where did you have your laptop, when you left?”

Grant: “I think it was in front of the t.v.” He scratches his face.

Dustin: “Yeah, and when I tried to get in there, I couldn’t , because it was propped up against the door. I couldn’t get in the damn door.”

Jason is grinning like a fool and shaking his head.

Grant blinks and pulls a face: “Great, and I gotta sleep in there tonight?”

Dustin laughs and pats him on the shoulder: “It’s your room, big guy.”

Grant laughs.

MB:  Mummer.  Charlatan.   To think that I used to like Grant.

TM:  If they had smart clients, who weren’t necessarily looking for back-up to their claims to being the most haunted hotel in America or whatever,  the clients would tell Grant something wrong, like – the ghost always puts toothbrushes in the toilet and Grant would have to put his toothbrush in the toilet and then ha ha ha the joke’s on him.

MB:  I’d pay someone good money to do that.

TM:  I’d pay someone good money to get to see that.

MB:  It will never happen.

TM:  You never know.  We can hope.

Dustin, back in room 419: “So we’ll put the bag back in front of the t.v. where Grant had it and focus the camera on it and we’ll see if it moves again.”

At the 4-screen monitor, we see it’s June 9, 2005.

TM:  See?  New York City was just over three weeks ago, and the Queen Mary is over six weeks hence.

MB:  Stupid fake time-line.

TM:  That’s what I always said.  But I gave up.  I don’t care anymore.

MB:  Yeah. North Carolina should have taught me.

Steve: “Stop. Perfect.”

Jason: “We’re good. Let’s just kill all the lights.”

The ritual switching off of the lights is done to entice the ghosts out.

ROOM 2500

9:44 PM

Steve and Dave are looking for electromagnetic fields.

Steve: “The story in this room is that – uh – this is the room when patients couldn’t take it anymore and they were in so much pain that the drugs weren’t working anymore, so they would bring ‘em in here to basically sit until they died, and once they’re dead, they’d go down to the morgue. Something that’s interesting in this room is getting 2.0 all over the place.”

MB:  That Steve.  Such a graceful storyteller.

TM:  But he does work.

MB:  I wonder if he had to stop being a policeman because of his phobias.

TM:  Policemen don’t usually have to deal with spiders.

MB:  But chasing burglars down fire escapes, and rescuing small children from trees – he couldn’t do that.

TM:  Hmm.  I think his parents must have used him in terrible psychological experiments when he was a toddler, poor tot.

MB:  Or perhaps in a former life he was a squirrel with bad eyesight.

TM:  It’s nice he finally found something meaningful to do with his life.

MB:  What – setting up cameras for charlatans?

TM:  Getting girls, as an E-list “celebrity.”

MB:  E-list?

TM:  Okay, maybe F-list.

Grant interviews: “An EMF detector is design to detect strength of electromagnetic field.”

Steve: “2.8, 3.2.”

Grant interviews: “We’re looking for any kind of spikes, unexplainable electromagnetic fields.”

Dave: “Well, actually it goes up 2.5 on the bed. I don’t know if that’s coming up a lot. Back down to 1.”

Grant interviews: “But once we have the spike we just don’t call it paranormal activity. We then slowly try to locate where that spike is originating from.”

Steve: “Travel this way.”

Dave: “2.0, 2.1, 2.2, 1.5, 1.8, 3.3.”

Steve: “There we go. It’s coming from this frickin’ hot tub. Yeah, 3.1, 3.2.”

Elsewhere:

Dustin: Donna and I are heading to room 419, Grant’s room, where the computer bag moved.”

MB:  They went looking for some stupid EMF thing to debunk so we’d forget about Grant’s oh-so-conveniently relocated computer bag.

TM:  But we didn’t forget.

MB:  We’re not idiots.

TM: That’s debatable.

ROOM 419

2 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Dustin: “We’re going to do an EMF sweep. Point 2, a point 2 reading.”

Donna takes pictures of nothing.

Dustin: “Are you the spirit that is moving things in this room? 1.4, 1.5. Do you have the camera, Donna? 1.4, 1.0. I did have a 1.4 at one point over here. Right now it’s just at point 8. My readings have dissipated. Point one again, point 2.”

MORGUE

1:09 AM

Jason and Grant are exploring with their beloved FLIR thermal imaging camera.

TM:  So here it comes, Mme.  Brace yourself, and again, I’m sorry.  But you had to find out.  And you’ll still have the Easter Bunny.

MB:  Oh, shut up.

Jason: “There’s the famous autopsy table. Man, that’s just freaky. Think of how many bodies were down here. Ah, boo – just the thought.” He drops his voice to a whisper: “I hate morgues. Oh god, I hate morgues.”

Grant: “Just to work in one…”

Jason: “Euh. Just the thought. Let’s check this room out.”

MB:  I never expected Jason to be quite so fastidious about death.

TM:  He’s a big old girl at heart.

MB:  Excuse me?

TM:  You know what I mean.

Grant: “Now this is the room that was filled with jars of formaldehyde and body parts.”

Suddenly there’s an extraneous-seeming image of person on the FLIR view-screen.

MB:  There it is.  I remember that scared the bejeebers out of me the first time I saw it.  So not a ghost?

TM: Ha!  Look at it!

Jason: “There’s something went right past me. Do me a favor – just rewind quickly. When we first came in, I was right on that cabinet.”

We see the image again, which appears to be a man in a short-sleeved shirt, leaning partway through a doorway, and then looking down at something.

Grant: “What the heck?!”

The FLIR footage is replayed again.

Grant, laughing: “Did you…?”

Jason: “Yeah, that was – that was a form. That was a form.”

Grant: “Holy crap! That’s freakin’ me out!”

MB:  It’s Grant?

TM:  It’s not bald.

MB:  But the hat?

TM:  You are suffering from an acute case of pareidolia.  Snap out of it, or I will have to sent you to Dr. Disillusion.

MB:  Damn.

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SUNDAY 1:13 AM

Jason interviews: “While me and Grant were checking out the morgue with the thermal imaging camera, I noticed something odd I just had never seen before. I immediately asked Grant to rewind the tape so I could see what we had caught on the thermal imaging camera, and – uh – upon him rewinding it, I can see a figure. I can see a figure standing right there in the door next to us.”

The scene has been replayed, in case we forgot during the ghost commercial.

Grant, in scene: “Oh sheesh!”

Grant interviews: “When Jason say rewind the tape, I was expecting a flash or something.”

Grant, in scene: “Holy crap!”

Grant interviews: “Normally when we catch something on the thermal imaging camera it’s not very impressive.”

Jason, in scene: “Oh my gosh – hang on. I gotta look at that again before I start flippin’ out.”

Grant interviews: “But there staring us down was this figure that was – no more than two feet away from me and obviously gave me chills. That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen very often. It’s the Holy Grail – uh – for us investigators, and to know that it happened right next to me – uh – [he shakes his head and shivers] really kind of freaks me out.”

Jason, in scene: “Hey, does it look like a hat? It looks like it’s wearing a hat?”

We see Jason and Grant in night-vision, staring at the FLIR view-screen, then the FLIR footage is replayed again.

Jason: “Like the brow? From a hat?”

An arrow helpfully directs us to what Jason is referencing.

Jason: “I really wasn’t sure if it was a apparition or Grant’s reflection.”

Grant: “You think that’s my reflection, J.?”

Grant interviews: “The image that showed up was so clear that I thought it’s got to be one of us.”

Grant, in scene: “Let’s just make sure it’s not my reflection.”

Grant interviews: “We immediately set about trying to [he pauses and looks to the side] make a reflection in that locker.”

Grant, in scene: “I was right about here.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “You see me?”

Jason: “No.”

The FLIR view-screen is a big mess of green, and it’s saying its battery is low.

Grant: “Oh my gosh, I’m not there.”

Grant interviews: “We open up the locker in case someone was inside, but – uh – there’s no way someone could have ever stood inside it. It’s just a bunch of shelves in there.”

Jason, in scene: “That’s you, on camera.”

The battery is still low. Grant shows in a close-up view on the FLIR. Hmm. He does seem to have the very same shirt on as the ghost.

TM:  It’s a grost.   A ghant.

MB:  It’s Grant?

TM:  Go here now.  Rip the Band-aid off quickly.  Swallow the nasty Nyquil in one gulp.  Just do it.

Grant: “All right. Put it on the thing again.”

We view the locker with a stenciled “2” on it.

Jason: “It’s gone now.”

Grant: “Where is the 2?”

Uh – that battery is still low, if anyone cares.

Jason: “It’s right there.”

Grant: “Why was the 2 hot?”

Jason: “I don’t know.”

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant were looking at the locker and – uh – we kept seeing the 2 glowing red. There’s really no reason why that 2 should be red.”

Jason, in scene: “All right, look at the 2.”

Grant: “The 2 – is it black? ‘Cause maybe then it would retain heat. I – I’ll be honest. I’m tryin’ to think of anything.”

He waves a hand in front of the camera.

Grant: “Hell, it’s frickin’ spray-painted white.”

MB:  There’s not really any point in discussing this, is there?

TM: No, I think the guys at darkrealmlabs.com said at all. Except you might also read this, and then you could go here.  The picture of that gas burner there is worth about ten thousand words, by the way, if you’re at all foggy about what the FLIR can and cannot do.

MB:  So it’s just a reflection of Grant.

TM:  And a damn good one!

Jason interviews: “I – at first I thought it was Grant’s reflection, but it turns out it wasn’t. It’s somethin’ we’ve never caught or seen before but we really need to analyze it and try and understand it before we present it as evidence.”

MB:  Look at that innocent baby face on him!

TM:  He really really doesn’t want to go back to being a plumber is all.  “Cause you have to work in morgues and stuff.

Jason, in scene: “Dude, we gotta – we gotta show Steve that.”

The Lead Investigators take their thermal footage of the Ghant upstairs.

Jason: “I want you guys to take a look at something and give me your impression. Me and Grant were in the basement and we were walking around with the thermal.”

He displays the footage to the guys. There is a chorus of “AH!”s and nervous laughter.

Steve: “Lookit that!”

Dustin: “That’s unbelievable.”

Dave: “Scary, man.”

There are various expostulations. Grant is frowning.

Steve: “Are you serious? Tell me that’s a [?] joke.”

Jason: “Steve, Steve – you know I wouldn’t pull your leg on something like this. Gimme a break.”

MB:  Dave Tango’s left ear with its earring is stealing the scene here for some reason.

TM:  You know, we missed the whole “Dave Tango leaves New Jersey to come work for TAPS” business by skipping around.

MB:  Eh.  I suppose the television prospects were not as bright in New Jersey.

TM:  No, but think of him in his sad little Warwick apartment, away from family and friends, with only his paranormal library to keep him company.

MB:  Psshh.  Nobody in TAPS reads.  Well, I suppose Donna does.

TM:  Even worse! Nothing to do but – oh never mind.  I don’t care about Dave Tango, either.  He’s doltish, but nowhere near as amusingly doltish as Brian.

MB:  NOBODY CAN REPLACE BRIAN.

Dustin: “You can see like a whole outline. Like a whole figure. Wow. That’s…”

Grant: “No, it looks like – it looks like one of those army – the military hats.”

Dustin: “Wow, man. That’s unbelievable.”

Jason: “All right, I’m gonna stop it right here. I’m ejectin’ this and puttin’ a safeguard on the tape.”

Dustin: “Yeah.”

Steve interviews: “I was really excited when I saw that footage that Jason and Grant caught. Um – I haven’t seen anything like it before.” It’s – uh – it could be very big. It could end up – uh – changing a lot of people’s minds about the paranormal.”

TM:  It could also end up changing a lot of people’s minds about The Atlantic Paranormal Society’s collective brain power.

MB: Or not.

TM:  Or not.  Yeah, not.  Three years later they’re still trying to catch ghosts with the FLIR, and they’ve never felt the need to retract anything about this.

MB:  Mountebanks.

Jason, Cheshire-cat grinning: “That’s huge.”

Steve: “I can’t believe it.”

Jason: “Neither could I. Oh – I think I can keep on watching it over and over again, man.”

MB:  Now that I can see perfectly well what it is, watching it over and over again is as much fun as root canal.

TM: Ignorance is bliss.

There is much shaking of heads.

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant caught some – uh – evidence in the basement. Um – I really wanna analyze that and go through it and just try to pick it apart.”

Grant, in scene: “It’s weird whatever it is, man.”

The whole gang is now gathered around the computer at Command Central.

Dustin: “Yeah, it’s – uh – it looks like he’s holdin’ something.”

Grant: “It’s potentially a full body apparition which, you know, can – blows your mind instantly, but my natural instinct is to not trust what I see right off the bat. I wanna get to the bottom of it. I wanna analyze it and really try to figure out what it could be.”

TM  You know he wants to do that as much as he wants to wrestle rattlesnakes.

MB:  Grant Grant Grant.  GO WITH YOUR NATURAL INSTINCT.

TM: Not going to happen.  He didn’t want to be a computer guy, and he doesn’t want to be a plumber.

MB:  What’s wrong with being a plumber?

TM: No fan club.   No fan letters.  No deductible trips to Arkansas.  No deductible pie.  I wonder what they put on their income tax returns as their “profession.”

MB:  Charlatans. Does the government let you deduct pie?

Everyone trots downstairs to view the scene of the crime.

MORGUE

3:51 AM

Jason: “It was this room, right? The head was over here. The 2 was on its shoulder.”

Donna is looking at the locker.

Donna: “Yeah, that surface is really – I mean it’s all dulled down.”

Grant: “Look at this flashlight.”

Donna: “It’s not even shiny. It wouldn’t even reflect…”

Grant: “It’s no more reflective than the flippin’ wall.”

Steve: “I’m doubting that it’s any kind of reflection.”

Steve interviews: “Seeing the locker really helped me understand that what Jason and Grant caught wasn’t a reflection.”

Donna: “It’s clearly not a reflection.”

MB:  Jeez.  It’s almost  sad listening to them blither about it.

TM: Nuh-uh.   I love listening to scientific talk.

MB:  This is science the way a 6-year-old saying vroom-vroom in the car is driving.

Grant: “It’s all matte.”

Jason: “Well, you know, I – you know what I think is a big sell feature on it is that hat. And also you know it just – the way its clothes seemed…” He fumbles at the neck of his shirt.

Donna: “Yeah, like buttoned up?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

MB: Only, not buttoned up.  Because it’s not buttoned up just like… oh, forget it.  What’s the point?

TM:  They really want to believe.

MB:  WHICH IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT…

TM:  You have to let them go, Mme.  Off into the ether of their paranormal plumbing fantasy world.  Let them fly free, like seagulls.

MB:  Seagulls.  Right.

Donna: “That’s some pretty crazy crazy footage.”

Jason: “It’s awesome.”

Back at Command Central:

Grant: “You guys, you think with the bag, we got that and just a few other things…”

Jason: “We have 40, 50 hours of footage. Let’s wrap up. Let’s pack everything up.”

Steve: “We’re gonna put everything in my room for the night.”

The winding of the cords takes place.

Grant: “Ken, it’s 4:30 in the morning, man.”

Ken has emerged from somewhere.

Ken: “Yeah, I know. You guys get some rest.”

Jason: ‘Yeah, we’re gonna call it a night. I got the guys packin’ up right now.”

TM: If it’s 4:30 in the morning, maybe he doesn’t have to call it a night.

MB:  It can’t be 4:30 in the morning.

Ken: “Good. Don’t forget maybe if you have time to check out that – uh – house.”

Jason: “Yeah, you definitely can’t turn down one of the most haunted houses around, so…”

Grant nods: “He’s got a point.”

Jason: “And again, thank you for showin’ us all around. It was a pleasure.”

Ken interviews: “I was very impressed with the professionalism of TAPS and I hope – uh – that TAPS was able to get a lot of hard evidence.”

TM:  Hard evidence that they are boobs.  Yes.  That evidence is indubitable.

MB:  So now they are charlatans and boobs.

TM:  The two things are not mutually exclusive.

MB:  Hans Holzer is looking more and more statesman-like.

TM:  Eh – that’s kind of like Quayle vs. Palin.

THE ANALYSIS

CRESCENT HOTEL

MONDAY 11:15 AM

The three male minions are slumped over their equipment in a guest room where the bed remains unmade.

MB: Is Donna getting facials with the bosses at the New Moon Spa?

TM:  Is that a giant doughnut on the bed?

Dustin is in work mode with his cut-out backwards upside-down baseball cap on.

Dave: “Oh oh oh. Holy crap.”

Steve and Dustin’s heads swivel towards Dave’s corner.

Dave: “I thought I just saw something. Watch. Look on the right. There it is. There it is. What do you think? Is that an orb? What do you think that is?”

Dustin gives Steve a look.

Dave: “You see who – something’s walking back and forth and you just see – pwwt – it’s fast.”

Steve: “You bein’ serious right now?”

Dave: “Yeah, I’m bein’ serious. Look on the right. You see that?”

The editors have helpfully ovaled the dark spot on the right, where something dashes back and forth.

Dustin: “I see it, man, but it – it’s a bug.” He’s smiling.

Dave: “How are you – how are you sure it’s a bug? You just see somethin’ shoot across. I mean it’s…” He trails off.

Grant interviews: “Reviewing the evidence, sometimes the guys think they see an orb, but it’s really a bug. It’s really easy to tell when it’s a bug ‘cause it’s movin’ fast and it – it flutters. You can see the wings flap, and it’s – it’s always solid.”

Dustin: “You’ve got good eyes. I mean you’re lookin’ and you’re catchin’ things but that – I think it’s a bug.”

TM:  Poor Tango is in his early stages of lame newbie.  But soon he will redeem himself.

MB:  Now I’m starting to suspect they never thought he’d figure out that trick on the Queen Mary.

TM:  Yeah, and I’m not sure I was right to think he might have done it himself.

THE FINDINGS

CRESCENT HOTEL

TUESDAY 1:45 PM

Jason and Grant come to the peons’ work room.

Steve: “Hey, guys.”

Jason: “What’s goin’ on?”

Grant: “Let’s see what we got, man.”

Steve: “There’s only one piece to show you.”

Jason: “Which room is that? Okay, that’s…”

Grant: “Okay, that one’s my room.”

Jason: “419.”

The footage reveals it was filmed on June 10, 2005 at 1:05 AM. It shows Grant crossing the room with an “orb” behind him.

Jason: “There was a bug in that room that we had already seen prior.”

Grant: “Yeah, we did see a bug in there.”

Jason: “So this might be the bug.”

Steve: “Um – I can show you – I’m gonna have to show you the thermal that you guys – when you caught that in the basement. I have – I have that cued up.”

We are shown the Ghant again.

Jason: “Look at that. That – that’s a hat. You see that – the actual – this part of the hat.” He grabs the bill of Steve’s hat. To Grant: “Me and you need to go downstairs and try to recreate this. I just want to take away the possibility of that somehow being a reflection from you maybe catching it.”

Steve: “You know what? People are gonna pick this apart anyway, whoever sees it, so it’s better that you guys probably cover all angles.”

TM:  Yeah, so don’t say you weren’t warned!  Except you will never say anything, so… screw those pesky angles.

Jason: “All right. Then we’re gonna head down and we’re gonna test this out.”

Steve: “All right, guys.”

Jason interviews: “The more and more I see that footage of that man, the more and more I wanna disprove it. Me and Grant are actually gonna head down and try to recreate it and see what it could be before we go to the reveal.”

MB:  Pft.

TM:  Double pft.

MORGUE

2:20 PM

With the lights out downstairs [and upstairs], Jason and Grant fumble around trying to do a re-enactment of their encounter with the Ghant the night before.

Grant: “I was right here. Now we pan like we did.”

Jason, swinging the FLIR around: “Pan pan pan pan pan.”

Grant: “Panalana ding dong. Are we on the locker?”

Jason: “I’m on the locker.”

Grant: “Pan up and down.”

Jason interviews: “With the thermal imaging camera, heat can reflect off walls, glass, metal objects, pretty much anything.”

Grant, in scene: “Now, it doesn’t change a thing.”

Jason: “So what I’m wondering, Grant, is if that 2 is really – maybe it was just hot and was showin’ up on the screen hot. Put your hand on that 2 because I’m lookin’ right at it, man.”

Grant puts his hand on the locker over the 2.

Jason: “Yeah, all right, now take your hand off. I was dead on it.”

Grant’s handprint remains visible on the locker in several colors. A split screen shows us the 2 from the night before in comparison. The 2 there is right in front of the Ghant’s shoulder. Here it’s beneath a handprint. So, hunh. It looks different.

Jason: “Look – look at the 2. It’s still your handprint.”

And apples are still not oranges.

Grant: “That’s it.”

Jason: “Why wouldn’t the 2 be reflectin’ like it did that night?”

Grant: “I don’t know. I mean…”

Jason: “Step over one more foot.”

Jason interviews: “We put Grant in the same exact position, and me in the same exact position, and we couldn’t recreate anything. No heat at all was coming off of that locker.”

TM:  Humbug,

MB:  Bah.  Gah.

Grant, in scene: “Nothin’, nothin’ anywhere.”

Jason: “Then it doesn’t reflect.”

Grant: “Let’s go look in the mirror in the other room.”

Jason: “All right.”

Grant interviews: “We found a mirror down there and – uh – saw what a reflection should look like.”

Jason, in scene: “All right. I gotcha.”

Grant: “See?”

Jason: “You’re reflectin’ heat. I can see your arms and legs.”

Grant moves his arm: “Up, down, left, right.”

Amazingly, the thermal image does the exact same thing.

Jason: “Put your head down. Lower your head down. Look at that.”

Grant puts his face close to the mirror, sticks out his tongue, and says “ahhh.” Just before he does this, his forelock looks remarkably like – part of a hat! Or a headlamp attached to his forehead. Or almost anything but hair.

Jason: “I can see it all, Grant. All right, let’s… I don’t have an explanation for it. I’d love to.”

Grant: “We can’t pretend to have all the knowledge out there.”

TM:  Yes, you can.

MB:  They certainly pretend to have more than they do.

Jason: “All I know is I see a guy with a cap, a military guy, with a cap. That’s what it looks like to me.”

TM:  I think it looks like  giant weasel.

MB:  It looks just like Grant.

TM:  I already made that point.

Grant: “Let’s get out of here.”

Jason: “C’mon.”

Grant interviews: “If there’s an answer to it, I just don’t know it yet.”

THE REVEAL

CRESCENT HOTEL

WEDNESDAY 3:00 PM

Jack and Ken are sitting with Jason and Grant at a table outside on a terrace overlooking a lot of woods, aka the Ozarks.

Grant: “How you guys been over the past – uh – little while?”

Jack: “We’ve been anxious.”

Grant: “Yeah?”

Jason: “The way this group runs is when we go to a place we’re going there to try to dismiss claims of a haunting. It’s a lot easier for somebody to go into a place and say “Yep, it’s haunted” but where’s the evidence to support those claims? How do they prove that?”

TM:  Well, one way would be to do fake debunkings!

MB:  They sure aren’t trying very hard to dismiss claims here.

TM:  But we don’t know if that’s because they’re boobs, or because they’re charlatans!  It’s kind of great, if you think about it.

MB:  I just don’t have your appreciation for irony.

TM:  I know.

Jack: “We’ve had literally hundreds of reports, so we’re anxious to hear what you found.”

Grant: “After we had all the equipment set up, we let it run, and during that time we – uh – had investigators go around with equipment, also their own bodies, tryin’ to – you know – see what they feel.”

Jason: ‘One of our investigators Dustin went to go into room 419 which actually we had rented for the night and Grant had stayed in.”
Grant: “I gave the key to Dustin so he would go up and get something else and he couldn’t open the door. He had a hard time and he realized that if he just pushed hard enough, it would open, and sure enough, there was a com – a computer bag that had been blocking the door.”

Jason: “So the computer bag had been moved from the t.v. stand to the door and nobody was in the room.”

Grant: “The problem is we didn’t capture it on tape. While it’s an impressive experience, it’s just another story that you’re adding to your – list of stories.”

Jack is nodding through all of this.

Jack: “”Sure.”

Jason: “Me and Grant started doing a walk-through with the thermal imaging camera. We went downstairs to the morgue, we headed to the back room. Upon going in that room is where we caught some footage we’d really like to show you.”

Grant: “It’s going to be on the left-hand side of the screen.”

And once more, the Grost makes an appearance. Ken’s expression doesn’t change. Jack shakes his head.

Jack: “That’s amazing. It’s clearly a person.”

Ken: “It looks like to me that brim…”

Jack: “It looks like the hat of a – of a stone mason.”

Ken: “Yes.”

Grant: “No one down there had a hat on.”

Jason: “We tried to recreate that with Grant standing there and with me standing there.”

Grant: “The end result is that we tried to recreate it twice, and we couldn’t get so much as a reflection off the locker. We couldn’t get it to reflect us. We are true to our evidence. We’re tryin’ to find real real answers and – uh – if we lie to ourselves and everyone just to make ourselves feel like we caught something then there’d be no progress. We don’t do that.”

Ken nods.

Jason: “So you do seem to have some kind of activity goin’ on here.”

Jack: We’ve had so many reports, we were pretty sure we had something going on, so we’re glad that you’ve come in and shown us that is the case.”

Jason: “Yeah, some people that don’t show up to the human eye may show up to other instruments. We really want to thank you guys for havin’ us out here.”

Jack: “Well, thank you.”

Jason: “You made this a wonderful trip.”

Hand shakes all around.

Jack interviews: “I found the image that TAPS showed us amazing. It really was chilling. I mean we’ve had many incidents and reports down in that area and we’re very satisfied with TAPS and what they’ve – what they have proven for us and – uh – obviously they have shown their expertise.”

Jason interviews: “The image me and Grant caught in the morgue was really strange.” The Ghant is shown again. You know the people at the Crescent Hotel said that it looks like a Civil War soldier. Maybe it is. As far as I’m concerned, we captured an apparition.”

Jason lifts innocent eyebrows, and then the ghant is shown again.

MB:  Cripes, but this is depressing.  Have they no shame whatsoever?

TM:  Not so much, apparently.  Because you know, while they may have been overly excited at the moment, it’s not like they didn’t have time to think about it afterwards.  Being producers and all, and – uh – also very scientifical?  To be fair, they may have gotten all crazy,  and were just incapable of being anything but idiots at first.  But to have never admitted in all the time since – months, years! – that  they were mistaken and carried away by the moment, in light of irrefutable arguments, that makes them – good businessmen.

MB:  Well, then – I’m an idiot. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

TM: Don’t feel too bad, Mme.  Even Logisti is getting testy about FLIR images over on the Skeptical Viewer, and he and his colleague Stephen are like saints when it comes to giving TAPS the benefit of the doubt.

MB:  You are never to buy me Ghost Hunters DVD’s new again.  Do you hear me?  I appreciated it, but  never again.  Might as well buy shares in the Brooklyn Bridge.

TM:  Or contribute to the McCain campaign.

MB:  Or buy  dog boots.

TM:  Or cat hats.  I get it.  Believe me, I won’t.  But in the next part, something strange really does happen, so don’t get all completely disillusioned yet.  Sometimes TAPS comes up with something in spite of themselves.

MB:  A plague on all their houses.  We can do that part later.

TM:  Happy Halloween, Mme.

MB:  Whatever.  You, too.

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose grouse about the highly unsatisfactory TAPS “investigation” of the haunted Queen Mary, per Ghost Hunters episode 211, as recarped in For Sham! Part II.

MB: I’m still trying to understand how this happened. TAPS goes to a public hotel with 365 rooms on the upper decks of this gigantic ship. They set up an independent camera in the “haunted” room, not hooked up to any monitoring system, leave it running, leave the door unlocked…

TM: Heck, for all we know, they left the door open, and put a big sign outside saying “ghost hunt in progress – stop and say hi!”

MB: They leave the door – no – doors – multiple doors unlocked, leave the room totally untended, go off down into the bowels of the ship thousands of feet away to frolic for hours, and then pretend to get all distressed over the camera being messed with by “unknown” people. WHY? That’s what I want to know. I can actually understand why they would want to fake a door opening at the DeVille house and do a fake non-debunking. It was exciting! I bought it. You bought it. Countless  chumps all over bought it. But what good does it do them to fake fakery on the Queen Mary? That’s just whacky.

TM: No, it’s not. It’s perfectly logical. You pointed it out yourself. There they are, in what is supposedly one of the most haunted places in the world, and they leave with footage of fakery. What if the hoax had not occurred?

MB: Then they would have had – uh – FLIR footage of a hot water tank in the engine room, and…  a nice breakfast?

TM: The dreaded PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. Most Haunted had just spent three weeks – three weeks! – investigating the Queen Mary. Low-budget Ghost Hunters had one night, maybe two. They probably didn’t know what the Most Haunted crew got, which would have made them even more paranoid, although maybe Erika Frost told them?

MB: And what did Most Haunted get?

TM: Eh – wet footprints by the empty pool leaving salt deposits, i.e. saltwater.

MB: Cool!

TM: Yeah, I don’t know. I think it’s hooey.  Never mind that. My point is what is going on in the teeny-tiny pea brains of TAPS’ lead investigators? What are they going to do here to make an impression?

MB: It would have been mortifying for them to find no evidence.

TM: Can you see Jason and Grant swaggering off the Queen Mary and announcing it’s not haunted? After all the other investigations done there? You can’t do a drive-by debunking of the Queen Mary. They are nowhere near that sure of themselves. And one of the reasons they aren’t that sure of themselves is because they cheat. So even though they assume everyone else cheats because they cheat, it also makes them think that everyone else can figure out that they cheat, which is why they are so bloody paranoid about being exposed as cheaters. Which is more veranoia than paranoia, but…

MB: You’re going off on a tangent.

TM: I know. But I was on a roll, and it just hit me why they throw people out of their forums and why they dump inconvenient TAPS family members.

MB: So the guys who are trying to set themselves up as the big American ghost hunters of the 21^st century can’t afford to hang around the Queen Mary waiting for “scientific” evidence, but they’re too embarrassed to leave without something. Therefore…

TM: Bait and switch. Pre-emptive strike. Smoke and mirrors. Divert the attention elsewhere. It doesn’t even matter what the initial intention was, because it worked either way. Let’s say Grant did it, not expecting anyone would figure it out.   Other than, of course, his partner in crime Jason, and at least someone at Pilgrim.

MB: Hoaxing on the Queen Mary must have been a cakewalk compared to hoaxing in the DeVille house.

TM: Then Dave Tango has to go and be all smart-ass, and while they may not have “undebunkable evidence” of a ghost in B-340, now they have Dave heroically rescuing them from being “tricked.”

MB: Don’t you know Steve hated that? And then everyone gets all depressed over being nearly done in by dastardly hoaxers, and it’s such a huge and  smelly red herring that nobody even notices that they didn’t find any ghosts on the Queen Mary, and they don’t have to make fools of themselves by finding nothing, because they did find something.

TM: And they don’t have to say the Queen Mary isn’t haunted, because they had personal experiences, but – so sad – didn’t catch anything on film, sorry. And everyone’s happy.

MB: That’s sick.

TM: Isn’t it great?

MB: No, it is not! I can’t believe anything anymore. What’s left? Anything from the second season on is suspect. What’s left? Race Rock Lighthouse?

TM: Uh, about that…

MB: No. I do not want to know.

TM: Yeah, but…

MB: NOT NOW. I need some time to get used to all this. You know, I didn’t start this blog to be a naysayer. I wanted to do recaps, not recarps.

TM: I know. Poor Mme. Your idols turned out to have feet of clay, only not even real clay, but that kind you make out of cheap white bread and Elmer’s glue, which the weevils then eat.

MB: Oh, shut up. The paranormal field always has and always will be full of fakery. That I thought these idiots were going to be any different is just indicative of my innate chumpiness. Gullible? I still believed in the Easter Bunny when I was nine.

TM: You still believe in the Easter Bunny.

MB: Oh, shut up.

TM: If it’s any consolation, I still think a ghost shoved Frank DiAngelis.

MB: That’s probably because you so want the New Bedford Armory to be haunted.

TM: Not at all. Really. Hey, you know what we could do? We could dowse for answers to all our questions.

MB: You mean I could dowse for answers to all our questions. You couldn’t find water unless you fell into a well.

TM: Just get out the old pendulum and let’s see what it thinks. It’s just as reliable as those TAPS knuckleheads blabbering about Science, Truth and Honesty all the time.

MB: Sigh. You’re not wrong.  Okay. Let’s go.  Pendulum, would you please answer the following?

TM:Who moved the bed covers in B-340 on the Queen Mary on the night of 26 July 2005?

Dave Tango: NO

Grant Wilson NO

Erika Frost: NO

Jason Hawes: YES

Steve Gonsalves: NO

Donna LaCroix: NO

Pilgrim crew: NO

Girls gone wild: NO

TM: Color me surprised! I wouldn’t think Jason would do it, because I think he likes deniability, but hey – the pendulum knows all!

MB: Eh. Next.

TM: Was it a conspiracy?

YES

TM: Is the Queen Mary haunted?

Big YES

MB: Well, this is stupid. Should we continue with this?

Big NO.

TM: Ask it if Sarah Palin is an alien-human hybrid with toxic green blood.

MB: Hunh. Pendulum says big YES.  I think it’s time to take the dogs for a walk.  I need some fresh air.

TM:  I need to go check out that stairwell behind the infamous moving chair.  I kind of like these conspiracies.

MB: I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  LA LA LA LA LA.

TM:  You can’t keep your hands over your ears forever.

MB:  WHAT???  I CAN’T HEAR YOOOOOUU.

(Next on the Ouija Board -  the Talking Mongoose predicts Mme. Blahblatsky will have an apoplectic fit over some FLIR footage dear to her heart.)

Continuing on this merry California holiday in the second season of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads south from the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose to Long Beach, where they are going to do a definitive cursory investigation of the fabled ocean liner Queen Mary.  Somewhere Peter James raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.  R.I.P.

See disclaimer in En Vacance Part I.

Desert landscapes whisk past.

Jason: “During our drive through California, we got to see some of the great places. L.A. (he shrugs) – jeez, that’s bigger than Rhode Island is.”

TM:  Everything’s bigger than Rhode Island.

MB:  The Queen Mary is bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  The Winchester Mystery House is bigger than Rhode Island.

MB;  I have a dog bed that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

TM:  You have a cat that’s bigger than Rhode Island.

The obligatory B-roll shots of Hollywood are unrolled.

Grant: “That is cool, to see the Hollywood sign, the Chinese theater – to just be dumped right into Hollywood like that. It was awesome.”

Roll the obligatory shots of towering palm trees seen from below,

MB: Just once, I’d like to see palm trees from above.

TM:  Here.

MB: Cute!  Like turtle bowls.

and stars on Hollywood Boulevard.

MB: Who is Jimmy Boyd?

TM: He saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

MB: Get out of here. He got a star for that?

TM: Wikipedia knows all.

MB: Then who’s Alan Curtis, and why do cartoon characters get to have stars?

TM: I don’t know. I googled him and I still don’t know. Godzilla has a star, too.

MB: Weird.

Jason interviews: “Grant and I decided to stop in Beverly Hills Rodeo Drive before our tough investigation tonight on the Queen Mary.”

Grant: “Look at this. Pierre Deuce [sic].”

Jason: “How would you even pronounce that name?”

They are looking at  a “BCBGMAXAZRIA” sign.

MB:  So they’re not fashionistas after all.

TM:  This is the most peculiar tourist stop for Hans and Franz.  I see them more as the wax museum type.

Grant: “Wow. That’s a nice lookin’ [mumble] you know, right there.”

They are looking at a statue of a nude female torso.

TM:  He’s wishing they had that in Rhode Island instead of a bunch of Mr. Potato Heads.

MB:  I’m not even going to ask.

TM:  That’s probably best.

Grant: “30 % off and it’s still 600 bucks?”

Jason: “Good pair of underwear.”

Grant chortles: “Ah ha ha ha. It’s like an amusement park for the insanely rich. This is cool up here, man. I feel like I’m in Europe.”

They are descending Rodeo Drive’s version of the Spanish Steps.

Jason: “Yeah, it’s nice.”

Jason interviews: “Beautiful area, great people, but you know what – it was a great place to visit but you know my home’s always back on the East Coast.”

MB: He didn’t say he didn’t want to live there.

TM: Why would one want to leave Warwick?

CASE #2

QUEEN MARY

TUESDAY 11:13 AM

The caravan arrives at the Queen Mary Seaport.

TM:  I don’t think two cars constitutes a caravan.  Two camels, maybe, but an SUV and a van?

MB:  I have a literary license that allows me to use caravan.

Donna: “Oh my gosh.”

Jason: “Oh my god. Is that the boat?”

Donna: “I didn’t know it was this big.”

Grant: “Donna, is the whole thing haunted or what?”

Donna pooh-poohs this: “No, just parts of it. Look at it as a challenge that we can overcome and conquer.”

The black caravan looks very tiny parking next to the Queen Mary.

Donna: “I have everything under control.”

Jason: “We’ll soon find out, won’t we?’

Grant: “We should have brought the whole TAPS family.”

Jason: “And their families, and…”

Grant and Donna chortle obediently.

MB:  A TAPS family reunion – the thought chills my blood.

TM:  There would be Kool-Aid.  Did you know Kool-Aid is the official soft drink of Nebraska?

MB:  I did not.  That’s – nice.

TM:  Not like it was.  If Jim Jones had used Tang…

MB:  Tang!  No, we have to focus.

TM:  Then I can’t tell you about new mango-flavor Tang.

MB: I’d rather get through this episode.

Donna and Dave are left somewhere to cool their heels while Jason, Grant, and Steve get the tour. The executive branch strides across an acre of patterned red carpet inside.

Jason: “Look it there.”

Grant: “Ah, it’s nice, huh?”

Jason: “It’s beautiful.”

Three people are waiting for them.

Grant: “I’m Grant, from TAPS.”

MB: Here to help!

TM:  Here to cast a black blanket of doubt and deception!

Will Kayne, Queen Mary Tour Director: “Hi, Grant. Welcome aboard.”

The usual niceties are exchanged.

Grant: “This place is wild, huh?”

Jason: “Huge.”

MB: I’m cringing.

TM: If you didn’t know better, you’d think they didn’t get out much.

Grant: “We just did a battleship before, and then we saw this and this is way bigger than that, so…”

TM:  So it’s really big!

Valerie Seale, Queen Mary Tour Guide: “Really? Well, Erika and Will, they can give you a tour of the ship if you like.”

Grant: “Great.”

Jason: “Perfect.”

Grant: “We don’t have any time to waste.”

TM:  Because they just drove 3,500 miles to get here, and they’ve got to leave tomorrow.

MB: I thought they didn’t drive.

TM:  If they hadn’t been lollygagging around Rodeo Drive, gaping at nude torsos, they might have some time to waste.

Will: “Right this way.”

Jason: “After you.”

Erika Frost, Queen Mary Ghost Guide, interviews: “I guess what I’m hoping is that TAPS will be able to find all kinds or paranormal activity aboard this ship. Legend has it, it’s been haunted for quite some time, and it would be nice to have – um – the science to back it up.”

MB: They always want the science.

TM:  I think Erika’s definition of science is a little loose.

Grant: “It’s pretty much a skyscraper on its side.”

Will: “Yes. She’s a thousand nineteen and a half feet long, a hundred and eighteen feet wide. She’s eight feet too wide to fit through the Panama Canal.”

MB: I bet somebody got fired.

TM:  Nah.  The Brits never wanted go to Long Beach.  Nothing fits in the Panama Canal anymore, you know.

The camera pans over a lot of lifeboats.

Will: “The second-class swimming pool was taken out and they turned it into the Royal Theatre.”

Grant: “So what can we expect to find down here as far as paranormal activity?”

Erika: “Um – well, there is a little girl who likes to reside in here from time to time. I believe she’s been spotted by a few different people as well as myself. I have also seen her.”

Grant: “So now you’ve actually seen her with your eyes?” He gestures from his eyes outward to make his point clear. “Something in here?”

Erika: “Yes.”

Grant: “Yes?”

Erika: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Okay.”

MB: That seems kind of rude.   She understands English quite well without sign language.

TM: I think Erika is kind of dim. Speaking of dim, you’ll have to watch her talking to a light bulb on Youtube.

The camera zigzags through a lot of corridors and down stairwells.

Will: “This is the first-class swimming pool. We have been told that this is probably the most active area aboard the ship. The little girl is also very popular here. Many people have heard giggling, peeking out from the sides of the pillars. Okay, let’s hit the vortex.”

Grant: “Let’s go vortex surfing.”

The camera travels more corridors, ending up in a tiny hall flanked by small cubicles.

Will: “These are the 18 dressing boxes. There were showers on either side.”

Jason: “Now do they say specifically where this vortex is, or is it through this whole area?”

TM: Who is “they?”

MB: Who are they.  I told you about “them.”   Remember?

TM: Giant ants?

Will: “The vortex is supposedly right there, in the center of the aisle.” He waves his hand in a circle and points to the middle of the hallway.

Jason interviews: “A lot of people believe a vortex to be an opening to the other side – uh – a doorway allowing human spirits to cross over to our world. Um – [he lifts his eyebrows] I’ve just never really seen much proof to support those claims.”

The camera zooms along more endless corridors.

TM: Look! We’re in Triangle.

MB: I thought it looked strangely familiar.  I want the Lone Gunmen back.

TM: They’d be useful here.

Will: “The reason that room B-340 was taken off the list of available hotel rooms was because people claimed that they were awakened by someone pulling the covers off their bed. When they did a little research about the room they discovered that back in 1948 a third-class passenger was found dead in bed.”

Erika: “I’ve been told that housekeeping makes it up and then – um – it gets pulled apart.”

They are all standing around staring at a small bed in a small room.

Jason: “Oh really?”

Erika: “Mm-hmm.”

Grant: “Let’s get a camera in here.”

Steve: “Yeah, make a note to camera there.”

Jason interviews: “While I was there with Steve and Grant, we’d come up with an idea we would make up the bed and set the camera up and see what we caught. Um – we wanted to see if the bed actually did unmake itself.”

Grant is tucking in sheets. Then we see the bed with a red and green striped coverlet spread the whole length.

The group moves on to the ship’s bowels.

Will: “This is the aft engine room.”

Jason: “This is an active room?”

Erika: “It is very active. Some of the noises actually that you’re hearing right now are caused by this particular spirit that is passed away.”

There’s a lot of general mechanical clanking going on, but it doesn’t sound too purposeful.

TM: She’s a true believer.

MB: She is dim.

TM: All the wattage goes into that smile. There’s nothing left to work with upstairs.

Grant: “What makes you say that here?”

Erika smiles knowingly: “That thing over there does not work and what’s happening is he is actually making it – um – start up for us.”

Grant: “What – what is that?”

Erika: “I don’t know what it is but – uh – he likes to – he likes to make that – um…”

Jason: “Are you okay?”

Grant: “You seem uncomfortable.”

Erika just smiles more broadly.

Grant: “Are you nervous or…”

TM: The Erikabot just needs a jump-start.

Erika: “I just think that there’s some stuff going on here right now. Yeah.”

Jason interviews: It really started appearing that Erika was claiming to be sensitive psychic. A few points during the tour she started to – uh – claim to be sensing something in the room.”

MB: Oh, I get Grant’s hand gestures now.  The external eyes vs. the internal eyes.  Well! If Jason doesn’t believe her, I guess that means I must.

TM: Jason believes the sky is blue.

MB: It isn’t. It’s pink. And Erika is a medium of the first water, the fabulosa Dona Erika the All-Seeing.

TM:  But she talks to light bulbs.

MB:  We all have quirks.

Jason: “We really wanna say thank you for the tour.”

Erika: “Thank you so much.”

Jason: “We’re gonna go upstairs.”

Will: “Good luck. Have a good night.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Jason interviews: “This place is going to be a real tough case. We’re gonna be running a couple more high-8’s than usual, the mini-DV cameras. Eh – maybe they got somethin’. Maybe they don’t. I don’t know. I’m gonna have to really look and see.”

TM: Yeah, really look and see, bubba.  We’re counting on you.

MB: This going to be another one of those fake investigations because they don’t want to pay the production crew overtime, isn’t it?

TM: No, yeah – never mind that. Notice that he says they’re going to run “a couple more high-8’s.” Remember that.

THE INVESTIGATION

QUEEN MARY

TUESDAY 8:30 PM

Jason: “All right, so we’re set up. We got a high-8 here.”

There’s a view of the 4-screen monitor, which inexplicably only has two camera views on it. It’s July 26, 2005, and by the time stamp it’s 10:54 p.m.

MB: Okay, they’re on this humongous ship and they’re using two DVR cameras hooked to the computer, and one high-8? Isn’t that extreme underkill?

TM: And don’t forget that they can manage at least nine camera views with that equipment. But like you said, they’re on vacation! They need time to go see that burlesque show in the Lounge!

Donna: “We got two DVR’s here on D deck.

Grant: “Yep, everything’s all set up and marked.”

Jason: “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Donna: “I’d like to go to the pool area.”

Jason: “You, Dave and Donna can go with you and me and Grant can split off and so forth. I wanna go walk through with the thermal.”

TM: “Me and Grant can split off and so forth.” Ha. And so forth.

There’s a chorus of yeps and awesomes.

Donna: “All right, well, we’ll go to the pool.”

A lot of mumbling and moving off. We get to follow the fearless leaders.

Jason: “You ready?” He fiddles with his beloved thermal imaging camera.

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “Eh.”

Jason interviews: “Our main goal tonight is to – uh – cover as much of this ship as possible. It’s one of those things that you’re hopin’ you’re gonna catch footage on your cameras and not personal experiences but it’s just the size of the boat. It might only be personal experiences you have to go on.”

MB:  Jason usually refers to “personal experiences” with a curled lip.

TM: I think he’s feeling out of his league.

MB:  Hmm.  If they don’t catch something, they’re going to look…

TM:  Exactly.

They’ve descended to the room where the fabulosa mystic Dona Erika said the ghost was playing with the machinery.

Grant: “What I want you to do up here, J…”

Jason: “Honestly I wanna see if anything is hot so I know if it’s working.”

Grant: “That’s what I was gonna say. I want you to look at that container. I betcha that’s hot. ‘Cause I betcha that’s a hot water heater.”

Jason: “I betcha you’re hot, pal.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

TM: What’s that about?

MB: Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Jason: “Up – whoop whoop. It’s a hot water heater.”

Grant: “When Donna and I were in here, setting up, there’s two circulators under there and one just kicked on and was spinning.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “She said that thing’s not functional.”

Jason: “Yeah, that’s functioning, pal.”

Grant: “It’s – it’s hot.”

The FLIR shows the tank is indeed a bright red.

Jason interviews and thanks his corporate sponsor: “Debunking the sump pump and the hot water tank was definitely right up our alley as plumbers for Roto-Rooter.”

TM: Cats could do just as well.

MB: Oh, Erika. You disappoint me.

TM: The Erikabot is not equipped with the heat-sensing apparatus of the average household cat. She’s probably still in beta.

Grant: “The one on the right kicked on. The sump pump kicked on.”

Jason: “There’s nothin’ paranormal about this stuff turnin’ on, pal.”

Jason interviews: “It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.”

TM: I’ll say!

Jason in scene, with a grotesquely bad English accent: “The idea of the circulator tuning on the pump has now been proven not to be paranormal. Dear Watson, I think you’ve got it.”

Grant: “That’s brilliant.” He laughs, feebly.

1^ST CLASS POOL

2 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Steve interviews: “Donna and I are in the pool changing rooms where the supposed vortex is, and we’re going to try to debunk it.”

TM: Where’s Dave?

MB: Why?

TM: Just pointing out Dave is missing. For future reference.

Donna: “Slightly cooler in here. About 66 to 69.”

Steve: “EMF point 2, point 1. Is anybody in here with us? Would you make a noise for us? Give us a sign of your presence?”

Donna listens in vain.

Donna: “People say they get scratched and pushed in here.”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Meanwhile, Jason and Grant have left the engine room and moved over to the former second-class swimming pool.

ROYAL THEATRE

3 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Jason: “She said she’s actually witnessed a little girl in here, right?”

Grant: “A little girl, yeah.”

Jason: “Go down on stage to give me something to adjust to.”

Grant: “Okay. Finally, I made it to the stage. “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.”

TM: Pft. He’s been acting for ages, the little shank de jambon.

MB: In The Edge of Fright.

TM: As the World Squirms.

MB:  The Dumb and the Restless.

TM:  Cash-ins.

MB:  I give up.

Jason: “All right. I gotcha.”

Grant: “Good?”

Jason: “Yeah, it’s good.”

The sound guy makes a lot of scary noises to make sure we are still awake, and the editors take us back to Steve and Donna.

TM: Dave Tango is still missing.

MB:  It’s a big boat.  Ship.  Gah.  I have been listening to Jason for too long.

Steve, whispering: “Hey, Donna – come here for a second. It’s kinda gone right now. For a minute, I kinda felt like kinda light-headed right here. Dizzy.”

Steve interviews: “Yeah, I was in the shower room area of the pool where they claim there’s a vortex. I did experience some dizziness and some – uh – light-headedness. I called Donna over to confirm it and see if she could experience it, but by the time she got there it wasn’t there anymore and I couldn’t experience it again.”

Boom bang.

BACKSTAGE AREA

12:45 AM

Jason: “Wow. Gee. That’s a long hallway. What’s this?”

Grant: “I don’t know. Something just touched my back.”

Jason: “What’d you say?”

Grant: “Something just touched my back.”

The editors flash a skull a couple of times here, once with the nifty effect of letting us see Grant through the eye socket.

MB: You know, I kind of feel for these editors. It’s not like editing this crap was their life dream.

TM: True. They would probably rather be editing The Apprentice, or Dancing with the Stars. At least they’d be paid better, and be contributing to society in a meaningful way.

Jason: “Is it one of these 50,000 cobwebs?”

Grant: “No, there’s no cobweb behind me.”

Grant interviews: “Right after J. and I left the theater I felt somebody touch me on the back and I turned around and there was absolutely no one there. There have been reports of people being touched and – uh – maybe that’s what I was experiencing.”

TM: Sure he was.

MB: The  boy who cried werewolf.  Will we ever again believe a thing he says?

TM:  Not me.  Not that I did.

MB:  Ha.  You did.

TM:  Never again.

MB:  Nope.  Me, neither.  Fool me ten or twenty times and I’m done.

1^ST CLASS POOL

4.5 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Dave Tango finally reappears from whatever he was doing wherever. Donna apparently is hearing things.

Donna: “Did you…”

Dave: ‘Yeah. What was that?”

Donna: “Sounded like a little girl’s voice, huh?”

Donna interviews: “When Tango and I were in the pool area we both heard a little girl’s voice and the story is that a lot of people have heard a little girl’s voice in that – in that area.”

Donna in scene: “57, right here, Tango.”

Dave: “What?”

Donna: “Take a picture right here. Quick.”

Dave dutifully takes a flash picture.

Donna interviews: “Around the time we heard the little girl’s voice I felt a cold spot.”

Jason interviews: “Some paranormal investigators believe that cold spots are an indication of spirit activity, that they’re manifesting themselves by drawing the energy out of the air.”

Donna is feeling around for cold spots.

MB: Bored now.

TM: Something fun will happen soon, I promise.

MB: It better. I could be watching the Lone Gunmen run around here with Scully instead of the stupid old Atlantic Paranormal Society.

Grant, somewhere else: “Dave, anybody – find Steve and Donna ‘cause they gotta change the tape in B-340.

Jason interviews: “Room D-340 [sic] – supposably [SIC] it’s one of the most active rooms on the ship – blankets and sheets being pulled down on the bed, a lot of different things going on in the room.”

MB: There it is – “supposably” – just what Commenter Hallie described! Only Jason is saying it here. Steve must have learned it from him.

TM: Rhode Island is a strange place. Maybe they all say that there. I’m going to start using it, myself.

MB: You will not.

Steve: “All right – uh – we’ll break out of here and go change that tape, okay?”

Grant: “Okay. Sounds good.”

Steve: “Let’s go, Tango.”

MB: That’s an awful lot of set-up for just changing a tape.

TM: Consider it the TAPS version of humming a little tune as they shuffle the shells around.

Dave is walking along a dark hall in night vision when Steve suddenly grabs his wrist from a doorway.

Dave: “Son of a gun!”

Steve: “I gotcha?”

Dave: “Yeah.” Grumbling.

STATEROOM B-340

1:40 AM

Suddenly we’re inside B-340.

TM: Note that we don’t get to see them unlocking any doors.

MB: They left the room unlocked? Why would they leave the room unlocked?

TM: That does beg the question, doesn’t it? Why, indeed.

Steve: “Hmm. This is interesting. The bed is all disheveled.”

Dave: “Whoa.”

In addition to being “disheveled,” the bed now has a completely different coverlet on it, stripe-free.

Steve: “Grant says he made it.”

Dave: “He did. I saw him make it. Steve, are you going to review that?”

Steve is removing a tape cartridge from the camera.

Steve: “This? Right now.”

Dave: “Good man. I wanna see what happened with that. That’s weird.”

Steve interviews: “Dave and I went into room B-340 to change the high-8 tape and when we did, I noticed that the covers to the bed were down and I got pretty excited, ‘cause I knew that’s the kind of phenomena we’re trying to capture in that room.”

Steve in scene: “This would be amazing if we get this on video. Now I’m gonna mainly fast-forward.”

Dave: “Oh!”

Steve: “What?!”

Dave: “ Oh! What the – oh my god!”

There is a flurry of excitement over the camera view-screen.

THE INVESTIGATION

QUEEN MARY

WEDNESDAY 2:05 AM

Elsewhere, Jason wants to round up his minions.

Jason: “Hey, Steve.”

Steve, on radio: “Yeah, J.”

Jason: “Are you and Dave gonna be hangin’ out in that room?”

Steve: “We came into the room and the bed was disheveled so – uh – we rewound the tape to the beginning and pressed “play”, and I fast-forwarded it until I saw the bed unmake itself.”

Jason: “You serious?

Steve: “Dead serious.”

TM: Such a card.

MB: I think all of these people lack thumbs.

Dave is nodding as Steve speaks, but it does not help convince Jason, since he cannot see him over the radio.

Jason: “Uh – me and Grant are gonna be on our way.”

MB: So there was that one moment where Jason was able to say “Grant and I” in this episode, but it’s been canceled out by at least two “me and Grant”’s since then.

TM: He’s not good at multi-tasking.

Jason is doing unnecessary exposition that we’ve already heard twice as he hoofs it along a corridor.

Jason: “They shut this room off purposely because people would stay in the room and the sheets would – and the sheets would get pulled right off.”

The Lead Investigators storm up to B-340, trailed by Donna.

Jason: “What’re you talkin’ about?”

Grant, pushy: “See this. Let me see this.”

We are finally allowed to see the footage of the bed unmaking itself, which it does, curling from the top like a quilted wave.

Grant: “It’s frickin’ wild!”

The footage is played again. The bed cover rapidly folds over in a series of jerks.

Grant: “What the fetch?”

Donna murmurs.

Jason interviews: “When we saw the footage of the covers actually moving down the bed, it was astonishing. All the claims that they had said about that room looked like – they were true.”

Donna interviews: “I was like – am I actually seeing what happened? I was so in shock, I couldn’t believe. I mean it correlated to all the stories we had heard about what had happened in this room and here it is happening on video tape.”

Grant interviews: “This is it. This is perfect. We set up this trap for this ghost and it worked.”

Grant in scene: “It is frickin’ wild!”

Steve: “I know. But watch.”

The footage is played again.

Steve: “So you see that? Dave Tango got this out. That’s because someone pauses the tape. Pause and unpause would give you that little fluctuation.”

Grant: “What fluctuation? Where?”

TM:  I may be wrong, but I get a feeling that Grant is a little peeved here, and not because he’s disappointed it isn’t real.

MB:  You mean…

TM:  If he did it, not intending for it to be discovered, it’s a little embarrassing that an investigator-in-training would scope it right out so fast.

MB:  That’s so twisted.  I cannot believe…

TM:  However, all’s well that ends well.  It doesn’t really matter if it’s discovered or not.  It works either way.

MB:  Double-twisted?  But surely they wouldn’t go so far as to…

TM:  Two words – DeVille door.

MB: Oh.  Yeah.  Nothing is beneath them anymore.  I keep blocking that out.

Dave: “ Look at the top.”

Steve: “Look at the top of that comforter. See it up? And all of a sudden it goes down and the tape flickers? See?”

Grant: “Oh, yeah. Look at that.”

Steve: “That happens twice. So somebody pulled the covers for a while, pressed “pause”…”

Dave chimes in: “Pressed “pause” and came back here.”

Steve however, really wants to tell this story, even if Dave is the one who made the discovery: “Came back, pulled the covers again, and they kept doin’ that to give that effect.”

Dave keeps trying: “So they wouldn’t see hidden…”

Grant squeals “What?”

Steve interviews: “Dave explained to me how they use – uh – old-school camera tricks – things like that and – uh – it made sense. I could see that it was clearly tampered with.”

Donna: ‘But how would they – I mean – you can see the floor. How…”

Steve: “Because they’re back there, they press “pause,” come over here, whatever they’re doin’, reset, push again. There’s two doors. Someone could get into…”

Jason: “You know what? Put it on a bigger screen. See if you can see a shadow. See if you can see anything.”

MB:  Jason doesn’t seem all that shocked.  None of them do. Except for Donna, and maybe Grant.

TM:  They don’t have Grant’s thespian skills.

Jason interviews: “When we first saw the footage of the covers actually moving down the bed, there was gonna be no way to debunk this. And then we realized that somebody had messed with the camera and tried to make it seem like the covers were moving down by themselves.”

Grant interviews: “My heart couldn’t sank any further. I mean it was just like I was on top of a roller coaster and I was immediately at the bottom.”

Donna interviews: “When we realized that somebody had tampered with our equipment, I was really, really hurt and disappointed, and that’s an understatement.”

Grant in scene: “This is the only part of the ship that’s around where people are sleeping. We have to prop the door open.”

Jason: “Okay, where does this go?”

The camera is declining to let us see the room layout but previously it looked like the bed was in small room that had been thrown open to an adjacent room, so presumably there are two exit doors to the hallway from each former room. Grant and Jason are messing with a narrow (maybe 20-inch wide) door that lead somewhere we don’t get to see.

TM: Look at this deck plan of the Queen Mary that shows these rooms. It’s impossible to pick out B-340, but it looks like all the rooms have multiple doors to bathrooms and entries.  For TAPS to pretend it didn’t notice the access points until after the fact is ridiculous.

MB:  And the film crew is obligingly not showing us anything they don’t want us to see.

TM:  There are no Pilgrims at Pilgrim.  You said it.

Jason examines the door: “It would take a really frickin’ small-ass person.”

Grant: “ Let me see. Lemme see it. I can fit through there.”

And he can, easily.

TM: Of course he can!

Grant interviews: “On investigation, we found that there was a door that you could get through behind the camera.”

Grant in scene: “You could enter this room easy, without – uh – changing the light in the room.”

Donna: “Yep. Just go over and tap the – uh – “pause” button.”

Jason: “Put that tape in your high-8 and hook it to the monitor downstairs and just play. Just see if you can see under the bed, see if you can see beside the bed, see if you can see a shadow. See if you can see anything.”

Steve: “And listen to audio.”

Jason: “Listen to audio. What I would think if you’re gonna hit “pause” on the camera, you’d hear a beep when you hit “pause.”

Grant: “Mm-hmm.

TM: Hee. Such enthusiasm.

Everyone goes downstairs to watch.

TAPS COMMAND CENTRAL

2:50 AM

Steve hooks up the camera to the monitor.

Steve: “Oop. J., you can hear the beep on the camera just like you said.”

Jason, Grant and Steve bend their heads close to the camera.

Steve: “Listen.”

Jason: “I heard a click.”

Steve: “You can almost hear after that too that the door had been closed.”

Grant: “It’s the one part of the whole ship that’s around where people sleep.”

TM: Interesting how he wants to keep repeating that. You’d almost think…

MB: Jesus Mary and Joseph. Grant did pull those covers down.

TM: Or Dave. Either one. But I like to blame Grant for everything.

Steve: “You know, and [mumble] if it wasn’t for that last piece where they goofed up and the comforter was different…”

Jason: That was a good catch, guy.” He shakes Dave’s hand. “Nice job.”

Donna pats Dave on the back. Grant looks less enthused, and just stands there.

Dave: “Thank you.”

Grant interviews: “I gotta say, kudos to Dave for finding that little flicker – uh – that let us know that that evidence had been tampered with.”

TM: There’s no reason for him to be so disappointed, because if Dave Tango spoiled Grant’s little scheme in one way, he also made TAPS look like expert debunkers.

MB: Oh. My. God.

TM: And my other theory is that Dave did it so that he could debunk it, thus positioning himself to get out of that rut of investigator-in-training, and blow old Steve out of the water with his brilliance. There are so many ways this works out beautifully for everyone.

MB:  And Jason and Grant have already been in cahoots at the DeVille house, so this is just…

TM:  More of the same, only…

MB:  Twisted.

Jason: “Hundreds of people knew we were there that night. We had one camera that was a thousand feet away from us on the other end of the boat. You know the possibilities are endless. Anybody could have tampered with it.”

TM: See? It’s perfectly perfect.

MB: Mummery.  It’s all mummery.

Jason in scene: “All right, let’s move on, Steve.”

Grant interviews: “As soon as we realized that footage wasn’t real, it pretty much just put the brakes on the night, and no one wanted to do anything. They just wanted to go home. But that’s not fair to the people of the – the Queen Mary. I don’t think they faked the footage, so why should we deny them a f- a full investigation?”

TM: Why indeed, my little hocus-pocuser? Of course you don’t think the Queen Mary people were the fakers.

Donna: “Where else do we need to do EVP work? It doesn’t make sense for three people to go.”

Steve: “We’re going to the boiler room now. It’s a huge room so even if all three of us aren’t doing EVP, one person can walk around.”

BOILER ROOM

3:30 AM

Steve: “All right, this is Steve, Dave and Donna.”

Donna: “Boiler room.”

Steve: “Queen Mary. Is there anybody here who would like to speak with us today? We hear that there is apparitions seen here. We’d like to make contact with you.”

Dave: “Could you tell us your name?”

Steve: “Are you a soldier that was transported on this ship, or were you a passenger?”

Donna is taking pictures.

Elsewhere:

Grant: “That just knocked me on my butt, man. I just don’t even want to friggin’ [mumble] now.”

Jason: “I don’t want to talk about it until I know the whole story.”

TM: He needs more rehearsal time.

MB:  Mummery.  Mummers, all of them.  What was that you wanted to tell me about Tang?

TM:  No, Mme.  We must focus.

ROYAL THEATRE

8 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Jason: “We’ll close the door and – uh – try to listen.

Grant: “Chill out. See that happens.”

They are sitting in a row of seats.

Grant: “I can’t picture a company trying to pull one over onto investigators. I can see people who would think it would be in the best interests of the ship to try to make it appear haunted and not doing a good job of it, but I don’t think it was anything that these guys did.”

TM: Who else would go to that much trouble?  But the Queen Mary people don’t need to go to that much  trouble.  They don’t need the publicity.  They’ve got the Queen Mary for that. It’s not Bob’s Bed and Breakfast.

MB:  I think he’s feeling guilty, biting the hand and all.

TM:  The gall of it all.

MB:  I’ve never seen you so agitated.

TM:  I am not agitated.  I am irked.  My goat has been gotten.

Back in the boiler room:

Steve: “Did you hear anything?”

Donna: “Yeah, I heard a couple of little noises. That’s why I shot the pictures.”

Dave: “Yeah?”

Donna: “Yeah.”

Steve: “I’m ready to get out of here. Let’s call it quits, Tango.”

Steve interviews: “We continued to do some EVP work, some EMF sweep, we were coming up empty-handed and – uh – we’re all just ready to call it quits.”

The group moodily is reassembled back at Command Central.

Jason: “I think at this point we just wrap it up, call it a night.”

The gang emerges from an elevator onto

A-DECK

4:15 AM

Jason in over-voice: “My overall feelings of this place is it’s a beautiful ship. Maybe it has some activity, maybe it doesn’t.”

Jason in scene: “All right, guys. Have a good night. See you in the morning.”

The group disperses to their various, probably comped rooms.

TM: Which is one of the reasons why ol’ Jason isn’t mouthing off about how they debunked the Queen Mary. It is too ironic that the Most Haunted episode about the Queen Mary aired this very night, albeit in Britain.

MB: Why?

TM: I’ll tell you later.

Grant: “What we learned from this whole situation is in setting up a room we gotta make it sealed. If you’re gonna set up a situation where you’re trying to capture a ghost in the room you gotta completely seal the room. You gotta check for every way in and make impassable.

TM: The yegg tells you how to safeguard your safe.

MB: That is Ghost Hunting 101. No, it’s Ghost Hunting Pre-School, even in a small building. But this is the Queen Mary! A hotel open to the public. How many guest rooms?

TM: 365.

MB: 365 guest rooms, and they don’t lock the door.

TM: They didn’t want to lock the door.

MB:  And they didn’t want to put two cameras in the room.

TM:  And they put the camera right in front of the access door.

MB:  Guilty guilty guilty.  Off with their heads!  All of them!

TM:  Except Donna.

MB:  Yeah, Donna gets a pass.  She’s the only one who sounded genuinely surprised and disappointed.

THE ANALYSIS

QUEEN MARY

THURSDAY 9:15 AM

Steve: “Tango and I are getting ready to review the evidence. The Queen Mary’s been nice enough to lend us a board room here. We have about ten hours of video footage to watch and we have some high-8 to watch, thermal to review, audio to listen to. So we have a lot to do and hopefully have some good stuff to present Jason and Grant.”

MB: Is that ten hours per camera? Or ten hours cumulative? Because with two cameras, that’s only five hours.

TM: Hardly a night. But let’s call it a night.

MB: The time stamp reads 16:11. It’s filming at four o’clock in the afternoon.

TM: That gets the crew off by 10, then if it’s five hours.

MB: Perhaps Jason always wants to call it a night because it isn’t a night, so he feels he must call it “a night.”

Dave: “Hey, Steve – I’m finished with the thermal.”

Steve: “Anything?”

Dave: “Nothing whatsoever.”

Steve: “What’s next?”

Dave: “High-8.”

Steve: “Okay.”

We get to watch the bed unmake itself again.

Dave: “Steve, look at this part right here. Look at that.”

Steve: “I don’t know if well ever know for sure who did it but… [mumbles]”

Dave: “Yeah, it’s stupid.”

Steve is looking at the 4-screen monitor with only two video feeds on it. The time stamp is 15:24.

Steve: “I don’t get dust. I don’t get weird lights or anything.”

Dave: “What’s your call?”

Steve: “My call is let’s get out of here.”

Annnnddddd, so much for THE ANALYSIS.

TM:  Yeah, no overtime for that film crew.

THE FINDINGS

QUEEN MARY

THURSDAY 5:17 PM

Grant: “All right, boys. What do we got?”

Steve: “Um – we reviewed everything. We went over – uh – mini DV, we went over all the DVR footage, high-8’s, thermal, listened to all the audio. The audio was extremely contaminated with – you know – sounds you’d expect from a ship, right? Uh – behind the pool where the supposed vortex is, I got a little light dizzy feeling.”

Jason: “Um – you don’t think it was due to the area of the floors.”

Steve: “Well, that’s what I think it was. I tried to re-experience it, tried to call Donna over to experience it with me, but – uh – it didn’t happen and I couldn’t re-experience it.”

Grant: “We noticed on the tour that that area certainly had a funhouse effect to it because so many angles and everything on board was crooked.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Steve and Dave nod.

MB: Lame.

TM: Feeble. It wasn’t crooked, either.

MB: And anyway, who cares?

TM: Pas moi.

Grant: “Well, I gotta tell ya, supposedly they stuck J. and I in haunted rooms last night, and I had a couple things happened that were kinda odd.”

Jason is frowning and shaking his head.

MB: Do you think he’s doing that because he’s impressed or…

TM: Horrified that Grant is going to tell another whopper?

MB: Eeee.

Grant: “ I was sitting – just sitting on the bed watching t.v. and then about a half an hour later one of the lights clicked off by itself. I thought maybe the bulb had burned our or whatever so I figured – wait – I thought I heard it click, so if I click it one more time it should go on, and I clicked it and it turned on. Nothin’ major but things that I couldn’t figure out.”

TM  Everything always happens to Grant.  Have you noticed?

MB:  I’m starting to.  Is it a dietary deficiency?  Lack of green olives?

Jason: “And of course we’ve got that lovely footage that was toyed with, so…”

Steve and Dave nod solemnly.

Grant: “Now the way we’re gonna approach it when we talk to these people is we’re just gonna say ‘Look – we’re all tryin’ to get to the bottom of this place. This happened, so just be on your guard.’”

TM: Pfagh.

THE REVEAL

QUEEN MARY

THURSDAY 7:31 PM

Jason and Grant are sitting at a big table in some ship function room opposite Erika the Smiler and Valerie.

Grant: “As you know this is a place we’ve wanted to investigate for a long time and we’re just grateful for the chance to come out here and – uh – have run of the ship. First thing we set out doing was obviously setting up our equipment to try to capture the evidence that we could then show you. We set up a camera in the area near the door 13, and – um – I heard that machinery making noises, clicking and stuff.”

MB: They never talked about door 13.

TM:  They were busy.

Jason: “And with the thermal imaging camera we were able to see that there is power still going to that unit, and there still is water coming out and going in so it’s – it’s a functioning system.”

The thermal image of the bright red tank is displayed.

Grant: “So it’s going to make noise.”

Erika: “Right.” Her smile has decreased in width.

Jason: “As for personal experiences – uh – me and Dave Tango were going to – uh – retrieve the thermal imaging camera and – uh – upon getting in there we grabbed the camera, we walked out of the theater, Dave shut the door behind us, we walked about twenty to thirty feet, and we realized we needed to go back through the theater to get back to where we were. We turned around and walked back and the door was wide open with the door leg down. It was a little strange.”

MB: Which we didn’t get to see.

TM:  Which they didn’t tell us about because they were too busy setting up smoke and mirrors in B-340.

Erika’s smile has resumed normal proportions. Valerie looks noncommittal.

Erika: “Yeah.”

Grant: “The bad part about it is that this happened in ways that we couldn’t record.”

Erika: “Yeah.”

Grant: “You know it’s…”

Erika: “Absolutely.”

Grant: ‘That night we did record quite a few hours of footage of both video and audio – um – but there was something that happened in the middle of the night. Um – we sent out guys up to change tape, right?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “To – at B-340.”

Jason: “Steve walked into the room and realized that the blankets had been pulled down on the bed. Now of course he wanted to review the tape so he rewound the tape.”

Grant: “This would be what he saw.”

Grant cues the unmaking-bed footage.

Jason: “Now on this footage I’d really like you to look close.”

Erika smiles at the seemingly ghostly bed attack.

Valerie murmurs in disbelief: “No way. No way!”

Grant: “That’s exactly what we said.”

Valerie: “Oh, my goodness.”

Jason: “Watch this.”

Grant points to the tell-tale coverlet lump.

Jason: “Did you see that jump in the tape?”

Grant: “When we saw this footage our jaws dropped. We set up a trap for a ghost and it worked, we thought.”

Jason: “We just want to show you guys something. Now if you look.”

Grant: “Now watch this section here.”

Jason: “You’re gonna see a jump in the camera.”

Grant: “Ready?”

Jason: “Now we don’t know who did it, but somebody went in and they messed with the camera. They paused the camera and they put themselves over here.”

Erika is still smiling with her mouth, but her forehead is frowning.

Jason: “The door was open and we had to leave it open ‘cause it was the only way we could get back and forth, so somebody did something.”

TM: The invention of keys must have bypassed Rhode Island.

Grant: “Now there are three ways to get into that room. Two are very obvious. If you open any of these two, it would allow a lot of light from the hallway into the room and we don’t see that here. But we did find another passageway back that comes right into the room behind the camera. You’d have to be very small to get through past the pipes but you could enter in one door, close it, walk through this passageway, open another door in the room and there would be no light.”

Jason: “Actually, when me and Grant went walking down there were a bunch of girls running up and down the hallways.”

MB: Ah, the girls-gone-wild theory.

TM:  Girls gone wild with old-school camera tricks are such a pain.

Grant: “So needless to say, our hearts are broken.”

Erika grunts.

Grant: “You know, we thought we had it but – uh – we wanted to show you this just for the sheer point of ‘watch out’ because there are people out there who think they’re doing the best for the Queen Mary who aren’t, and there are people here that may be bringing you evidence that is tampered.”

TM: So the girls running wild were actually on a mission to help the Queen Mary.

MB:  See, that’s what happens when you start making up stories.  You start stepping on your own feet.

Jason: “I think what it comes down to it, people have enough of their own personal experiences on this boat, you know…”

Erika: “Oh yeah, absolutely.”

Jason: “Just like most of us had our own personal experience.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “We didn’t need this to – to push it over the limit, which would have been – you know it would have been great but…”

Grant: “That’s the bane of the field, you know? And you have to have something concrete to show and unfortunately we come here empty-handed, and – uh – just to make you a warning you know – just be careful. Be careful of foul play.”

TM: Yeah, be careful of foul play, Queen Mary!

Jason: “Again, thank you very much for having us. You guys made this – uh – an very enjoyable trip, and this is a wonderful place, so thank you for everything.”

Erika: “Oh, thank you so much.”

The Queen Mary people shake the hands of the “ghost hunters.”

Insincere thank you’s fill the air.

Erika interviews: “The thing that happened with B-340 – um – honestly, I am – I’m quite disappointed in the fact that – um – it was a hoax. Very disheartening, almost to the point of wanting to cry.”

TM: Those fiends. They made poor Erika want to cry. And they probably got a free breakfast, too.

MB: And dinner.

TM:  And dinner!  And free wireless and probably chocolate mints on the pillows, too.  Ingrates.

Valerie: After we found out that somebody tampered, my heart just sank. I mean it was so heart-breaking.”

MB:  Oh, Valerie.  The Queen Mary doesn’t care about TAPS.  TAPS is a single tiny barnacle on the Queen Mary.

Erika: “We do have a problem with people coming aboard the ship and doing mischievious [sic] things and tampering with evidence, and when we do have people that do those types of things we certainly escort them off the ship as quick as possible – um – because we hold a lot of truth to the paranormal here on the Queen Mary and – um – we hide nothing and we want it to be very real for those who come aboard this ship looking for experiences.”

Valerie: To me this place is still haunted. It doesn’t matter who comes in and tells us what. This ship is very haunted.”

MB: Yay, Valerie.  Throw them under the boat.  Ship.

Jason and Grant cross the lobby and try to make a graceful exit from this crappy ghost hunt.

Jason: “It’s just an awesome boat. This was great.”

Grant: “It sucks to have to leave.”

Jason: “Uh – be nice to get home.”

The peons are slumped in chairs.

Grant: “All right, so that’s all done.”

Donna: “Hey, guys.”

Jason: “This was an awesome trip.”

Donna: “Yes, it was. Aren’t you glad you came out here?”

MB:  Yes!  Because they found – uh – no ghosts anywhere!  Not even in one of the supposedly most haunted places in the world!  So, kudos.  TAPS rules.

TM:  Ah.  That may be the crux of the situation, the genesis of this whole sorry affair.  A pre-emptive strike, as it were.

MB:  Huh?

TM:  I need to work on this theory.  We’ll talk later.

Grant: “Yeah. I’ll be glad to get home though.”

Donna: ‘Yeah.”

Jason: “So let’s do that. Let’s get outta here. Gotta long trip.”

Everyone smiles, and they troop out to the caravan.

Jason: “All right, stay with us.”

In the car:

Jason: “All right, well – go to sleep, Donna. We got a long ride.”

Donna: “Yeah, head east.”

There is a lot of laughter from the three over nothing discernible.

TM: They’re laughing at the chumps who just watched this.

MB: That would be us.

TM: Yeah. Pft.

MB: I know these Queen Mary shenanigans require more parsing, but I’m pooped. I need to go scrub a floor or something.

TM: Here – go watch Unsolved Mysteries at the Queen Mary instead.  It will perk you up.  I need to go stick my head in an ant hill or something.

The Ghost Hunters episode rating system has been found to cause the Ouija Board headaches and hysterical blindness, and has been discontinued  until further notice.  Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose will discuss Queen Mary questions on another post.

In which the Atlantic Paranormal Society pretends to investigate the Winchester Mystery House, and then, in a tour de force of – something, “debunks” faked “evidence” on the haunted Queen Mary.  Who faked the evidence?  The Talking Mongoose has some ideas.

Now that we chumps at the Ouija Board know to our dissatisfaction that those hucksters of hauntings, peddlers of the paranormal, drummers of duplicity, TAPS, are working both sides of the fence, we’re not going to subject ourselves to the agony of examining episodes like the Bradley Playhouse yawner in depth. Life is too damn short. Mme. Blahblatsky has dogs to walk, and the Talking Mongoose has become enamored of Gordon Ramsay and Sir Alan Sugar. Where we focus our gimlet eyes from now on will depend on pure whim. It’s not like we’re going to run out of episodes anytime soon, as they’re being run off the Pilgrim production line as fast as Krispy Kreme makes doughnuts.

So per Talking Mongoose request, we’re off to California. This is a transcripty recarp of episode 211, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, of the “reality show” in which “Ghost Hunters” pretend to hunt and/or debunk ghosts.

Disclaimer: Pilgrim Pilgrim Pilgrim. Have you told your mothers what you do for a living? All the silly dialogue of these hustlers belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television. They are making moola off it. We are just getting moody.

In this episode, TAPS “investigates” the Winchester Mystery House, which, in terms of hunting ghosts, unless you are deeply invested in the wild imaginings of the sad, guilt-ridden Sarah Winchester, is akin to visiting Cinderella’s castle to verify the existence of Cinderella.

TM: Or ordering Welsh rabbit expecting to get rabbit.

MB: Or finding diamonds at Diamond Head.

TM: Or a casino in Clams Casino.

MB: Or Queen Mary on the Queen Mary.

TM: Or ham in hamburgers.

MB: Or Pilgrims at Pilgrim Films.

TM: Or eggs in egg creams, or cream in cream soda, or…

MB: Okay, I think we’ve run this one into the ground.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to California, to investigate one of the most unusual haunted housed yet. But will Steve’s inexperienced tech team hold up the investigation? And will this tangled web of a mansion overwhelm the team? And then TAPS tours a luxury liner full of supernatural activity. Will the ghost hunters capture evidence of the spirits? Steve and Dave make a shocking discovery.”

We see staircases to nowhere, Donna slapping Dave Tango’s hand away from a fruit bowl, then Donna and Dave in a dance clutch, an infrared view of Jason, Steve getting dizzy, Grant getting “touched” and Steve and Dave getting in a tizzy. There is the usual dramatic drummy music.

TM: American reality show music is so overwrought compared to British reality show music. They just whack you with a two-by-four, don’t they?

MB: That you would even be able to draw a comparison concerns me. Look – there’s Race Rock Lighthouse again.

TM: We were so young and innocent back then, weren’t we?

MB: Eh. We were rapidly aging chumps.

The episode credits include Investigator Andy, Demonologist Twins Carl and Keith, and Tech Specialist Dustin, who are all, alas, going to be missing in action for this one.

The Roto-Rooter van is on the road in Rhode Island. A phone rings inside it, and we hear Jason say hello.

Donna: “Hey, Jason. Donna.”

MB: Donna!

TM: See? You’re almost glad to be back in the second season, aren’t you?

MB: Temporarily.

Jason is driving. Grant is in the passenger seat. They have been driving around for ages in that damn van, waiting for Donna to call.

Jason: “What’s up?”

Donna: “Uh, listen. I have a really interesting case that I really want to speak to you guys about.”

Jason: “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll be there in about a half hour.”

Donna: “All right. Bye.”

It’s time for an over-rehearsed confab in the conference room at TAPS headquarters in downtown Warwick.

Donna: “How you doin’, guys?”

Grant: “Good.”

Jason: “So what’s this all about?”

Donna, with glee: “The Winchester Mystery House.”

Jason: “In California?”

MB: No, the one in Jersey.

TM: No, the one in Dubai!

Donna: “Yeah, Sarah Winchester is the – uh – was the widower [sic] who owned the house.”

Grant: “Right.”

Jason: “Yeah, I’m very familiar with the Winchester mansion. Uh – she died at the age of 83 and that’s when construction stopped but up until that point a psychic had told her she need to keep on building to protect herself from the spirits that killed her husband and daughter. I love the idea of checking it out but it’s also in San Jose, California.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

TM: You know. Jason totally had to look up who Sarah Winchester was before this scene.

MB: No, he didn’t. “She died at the age of 83” just came tripping out of his mouth. Didn’t you know Sarah Winchester died at the age of 83?

TM: I did not.

MB: Yeah, I couldn’t even remember her first name. But I don’t believe Jason looks things up. I don’t believe he knows how. It’s that darn alphabet – very tricky.

TM: Donna looked it up for him.

Jason: “Is there anything else we’ve got?”

Donna, all smiles: “I’m glad you asked that question. The Queen Mary.”

Jason pretends to consider this, furrowing his brow.

Donna: “Long Beach? It’s a tourist attraction that’s touted for having paranormal activity.”

Grant: “As long as they’re ready for our answer, be it haunted or not.”

MB: I don’t think the Queen Mary could give two figs whether two plumbers from Rhode Island think it’s haunted or not.

TM: Or one fig.

Jason: “These places have always been on our list.”

Donna, acting up a storm: “So I’m really excited. I really want to go and check this out.”

Jason pats her hand: “All right. Absolutely.”

Donna squeals and giggles: “Thank you!”

Grant, taken aback by Donna’s near-hysteria: “Thank you! Jeez. Merry Christmas.”

Jason: “The – uh – mystery house – me and Grant have always wanted to go there and check it out. We’re finally gonna get the chance and Donna just sweetened the deal by bring up the Queen Mary so we’ve got two places that have always been on our top ten list. It’s definitely worth the four-day trip it’s gonna take us to get there.”

TM: Me and Grant’s top ten list – what do you suppose was on that?

MB: Well, the Myrtles, pft. I don’t understand why they aren’t going to the Whaley House, though. Instead of the silly Winchester house. They are not driving all the way to California for that and Queen Mary.

TM: Of course not. Steve is driving. Because, you know – shrieking phobia about planes.

MB: And everyone else is flying.

TM: Well, Hans and Franz, for sure. Maybe they are actually going to Hollywood to try to sell Ghost Hunters The Movie.

MB: I feel a shrieking phobia coming on, myself.

A much reduced TAPS gang is loading up the van. Even the Lead Investigators are helping. This is what happens when you lose your prime whipping boy. Also, apparently not everyone can dash off on the California gold rush. Tech Manager Steve Gonsalves, Investigator-in-Training Dave Tango, and Case Manager Donna LaCroix are the only ones going. They’re packing a lot of extension cords.

Donna claps: “We’re all set.”

The van doors slam.

Grant interviews: “I think the team that we happen to have for this is gonna be perfect. We got four experienced seasoned investigators and one new guy. I mean it’s just – it’s a perfect set-up.”

MB: In other words, he’s very unhappy.

TM: Not enough worker bees.

MB: No Brian to push around.

Jason: “California, here we come.”

The vans roll out of the parking lot and are transported instantaneously to the Midwest.

Dave, excited: “Horses! I’ve never seen so many horses and cows – tons of cows.”

Steve: “We’re gonna get mad cow disease just lookin’ at ‘em.”

The editors furnish flashes of state border signs – New Jersey, Ohio, Indiana, Arkansas, Kansas, Arizona, Nevada.

TM: Can you imagine the horror of spending four days driving across the country with Steve and Dave?

MB: No. Nooooo.

Jason: “It’s gonna be an interesting night at Winchester Mansion.”

Grant: “Seriously, it’s gonna be difficult. We have to be on our toes.”

Jason: “There are a lot of areas that are unsafe. You need to remember that those rooms are about 1922 so they don’t even meet codes.”

TM: Codes for rooms? 1922? What is he talking about?

MB: Earthquakes? Plumbing? Conduct?

Steve: “It’s probably going to be the single largest building that TAPS has ever investigated.”

Dave: “Are you serious?”

Steve: “Yeah, man. This place has 163 rooms.”

MB: He must mean biggest house.

TM: Or Eastern State Penitentiary had 162 rooms.

Dave: “I’m just really afraid I’m gonna get lost in one of those rooms, man.”

A “Welcome to California” sign indicates somebody drove there, even if it was only Steve and Dave.

Grant: “Here we are, gentlemen. California!”

The caravan is pulling up at the San Jose Burger King drive-thru for lunch. No, it is the entrance to the Winchester Mystery House.

The Investigation

Winchester Mystery House

Friday 1:15 PM

We see a very large shingled Queen Anne house with a lot of gables, dormers, turrets, and porches.

TM: That is a flashing nightmare. That is just one big leak waiting to happen.

MB: It doesn’t rain in California.

TM: Oh.   Well, then.

Grant: “Wow.”

Jason: “Wow.”

They go inside the “Mansion Tour Entrance” under an illuminated sign that notes no. 54 is being served, and find a woman waiting for them.

Jason: “Hi! How you doin’? I’m Jason from TAPS.”

Woman: “Nice to meet you, Jason.”

Grant: “Hi. Grant.”

Woman: “Hi, Grant. Nice to meet you. I’m Cheryl. Welcome to the Winchester Mystery House.”

Jason: “Thanks. This place is incredible. Can we get a tour?”

Woman: “Definitely. Come on.”

Grant: “After you.”

Cheryl Hamilton, Marketing Coordinator, interviews: We’ve been aware for some time that TAPS has wanted to come and do an investigation at Winchester Mystery House and we were happy to accommodate them and let them try to prove or disprove the hauntings.”

MB: Aha!

TM: What?!?

MB: Nothing. Just jumping the gun. I’m out of recarp condition. It’s been a while.   Anyway, they can’t pretend the Winchester Mystery House asked them to help.

Cheryl in scene waves them off in a direction: “You guys can go up the staircase.”

Grant complies. “Yeah, okay.” He then laughs. The staircase ends at the ceiling.

TM: Good one, Mrs. Winchester.

MB: I hope she had cats.

Jason: “Alrighty. Feel like I’m in a carnival house.”

Cheryl: “Mrs. Winchester built a lot of strange things like that into the house. She built the house 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for 38 years. She didn’t want construction to ever stop ‘cause she was told by a psychic that if construction of the house did stop, the spirits of the people who’d been killed by the Winchester and who she believed were responsible for the deaths of her husband and daughter would come and kill her as well.”

The house is a warren of hallways and rooms, with woodwork everywhere – a festival of paneling. There is a large display of Winchester rifles in glass cases.

TM: Have you ever seen so much beadboard?

MB: I like beadboard. But gosh, there must be a lot of echoes in there.

TM: The better to hear the ghosts.

MB: Poor Mrs. W. Imagine hearing hammering 24 hours a day. For years.

TM: I expect after a while she sort of enjoyed the whole thing. Something to do.

Cheryl: “There are 10,000 windows in the house. There are 40 bedrooms.”

TM: There are not 10,000 windows. It’s a big house, but it’s not that big.

MB: Maybe she means window panes.

The tour has entered a derelict-looking room where plaster has fallen off its laths.

Jason: “So what’s this room?”

Cheryl: “This we call the Daisy Bedroom and this is actually Mrs. Winchester’s bedroom she was using before the 1906 earthquake. When the earthquake struck she had the front 30 rooms of the house boarded up and didn’t use them anymore. That’s why she changed bedrooms.”

Grant is doing his signature face twist and shaking his head.

Cheryl: “But we’ve had a lot of guests who come through here feel temperature changes in this room just passing through.”

Jason: “So where to now?”

Cheryl: “We’re going upstairs but we get there by a pretty strange way. This is the Goofy Staircase. We call it that because you’ve got 44 stairs, 7 complete turns, and you’re going to travel about a hundred feet but you’re only going to make it 9 feet up to the second floor.”

Grant: “Was she a short woman?”

Cheryl: “She was. She was 4 feet 10 inches tall.”

The Goofy Staircase consists of many huge treads with tiny risers, switching back and forth.

Grant: “GPS units. We shoulda brought GPS.”

Jason whistles: “This is gonna be a lotta room to cover.”

MB: Oh for crying out loud. They have no intention of covering this house. They’re on their freaking California vacation. No ghosts = no work.

TM: But it is a swell house.

Cheryl stops at an antique lamp: “This is a gas lamp fixture. There were – was electricity in the house but only for the last 3 years that Mrs. Winchester lived here. Before that it was all gas lighting.”

Grant: “Hey, speaking of electricity, we have a lot of stuff that we have to plug in and uh – is that going to be an obstacle here?”

Cheryl: “Um. I hope you have extension cords.” She laughs, and leads them onward.

Jason: “I cannot believe that you know where you’re going.”

Cheryl: “And about three different ways how to get here, too.”

Jason: “It defies all laws of logic. Oh my gosh.”

Grant: “Holy …”

They have come upon a large room with an old organ, parquet flooring, and more paneling.

TM: That psychic was married to a carpenter, wasn’t she?

MB: And all their children and brothers and uncles and cousins were carpenters.

TM: And they became very rich, and lived in big stucco houses with plaster walls and tile floors, and the sight of beadboard made them all gibber and moan.

MB: Which is why no carpenters haunt the Winchester Mystery House.   Or all of them do.

TM: It is carpenter hell.

Cheryl: “This is the grand ballroom and this is where you take off your shoes. It’s all original hand-done floors in here.”

Jason: “Oh my god.”

Cheryl: “I think she probably used it as a music room. They said she played the piano, the organ, and the violin, and we have had people in the house who’ve heard an organ playing and think that it came from this room. You ready to go down to the basement?”

Jason: “Yes, we are.”

They climb down to the cellars.

Jason: “What kind of things have gone on down here?”

Cheryl: “We’ve sent people down here to clean up the basement and while they were doing that they’ve seen a man in coveralls walking down here around this boiler.”

Grant: “All right.”

Jason: “Cool. So this is pretty much it?”

Cheryl: “This is it.”

Jason and Grant retreat to the parking lot to exhort the minions.

Jason: “Now Steve – no taping to the wooden floors. You can tape on the carpet, all right? No taping to the wooden floors.”

Steve: “Okay. No wooden floors.”

Jason: “If you’re going near the ballroom, take your shoes off. Do not walk on that floor with your shoes on. We gotta get moving, so let’s go.”

Tables are toted, extension cords are unpacked, night falls.

Winchester Mystery House

8:30 PM

MB: That tour must have been a lot longer than it seemed.

TM: They went and had dinner. I want more dinner scenes. If they’re just being tourists, they could do something more interesting that unpacking extension cords. It’s not like we haven’t seen them unpack extension cords before.

MB: There aren’t many plot elements to these episodes, that’s for sure. You know, if we’re willing to watch extension cords being unpacked for the umpteenth time, we probably deserve whatever we get.

TM: Pft.   On the other hand, contemplating nothing is very zen, so it’s good for us.

MB:  I think you have to be happy to do it for it to be zen.

TM:  Then forget it.

Donna is trying to walk around the Mystery House without a map and compass.

Donna: “Fuck.” She giggles and waves her hands. “No, that’s alright. I just almost walked into a closet. This house is kinda creepy. I mean I just totally went off in the wrong direction. There’s just a lotta little nooks and crannies and turns that you think you’re going the right direction, then you hit a wall, and then you gotta bounce back and it’s like a little madhouse.” She throws her hands up in defeat.

Dave is wandering, and makes a loud frustrated noise. Apparently he is lost.

Steve: “I think you guys gave Jason the wrong end.”

Grant is sitting in Command Central acting frazzled.

Grant: “What’s up? How’re we doin’?”

Steve: “Um. We – don’t know yet.”

Steve interviews: “It’s kinda disorganized right now.”

Grant interviews, disapproving: “Right now the set-up’s taking a little longer than usual. I don’t – I don’t know what’s goin’ on. We need to get these guys back into efficiency mode.”

The editors cut to Donna and Dave dancing in the ballroom in socks.

Donna: “I want you to show me how to do the Tango.”

Elsewhere, Steve pontificates: “Two people on the team completely in- – Donna’s completely unfamiliar with the equipment. Uh – Tango pretty much is, as well. Um, for some reason they didn’t bring an investigator that was familiar with the equipment.”

TM: Was he going to say incompetent?

MB: So much for Grant’s perfect team.

TM: Because jeez, how complicated can this be? We’re talking extension cords and a couple of cameras, not installing computers at the NSA.

Dave is wandering again. The tech group regroups. Steve snaps at Donna. Donna raises her hands and retreats.

Donna: “I know why you’re getting frustrated. We’re trying to work fast.”

Donna interviews: “It’s – it’s turned into a really stressful night. I – Tango – could have been more efficient tonight.”

TM: If this non-drama is supposed to deflect us from the realization that they’re not really there to non-hunt non-existent ghosts, it’s not working.

MB: I think you may have over-negated your point there.

TM: But you know what I mean.

MB: Yes, as a TAPS crisis, this one is pitiful. Let’s hurry up and do nothing.

Winchester Mystery House

9:42 PM

Donna and Dave are still messing around with stuff, to no obvious point.

Donna: “Leave it there. We’ll go grab the cords.”

Dave stares at some infrared lights, looking confused.

Dave: “I don’t think – uh – anyone has planned the set-up. It was really my fault. I was just trying to think what I could do instead of actually doing it.”

Grant interviews: “Dave Tango – he’s loyal, but he’s still got a lot to learn. He’s gotta ask more questions. He’s gotta be more bold.”

TM: Ooh – foreshadowy. In an ironic, editorial sort of way.

Grant in scene: “Steve, uh – do you think we can – uh – kind of get everyone to maybe stop for a second and re-attack it ‘cause they go and place the camera and then they come back and they get the cords. So just take – you know what I mean?”

Steve mumbles something, either assenting or dissenting. Elsewhere, Donna is trying to get Tango to snap out of his fog.

Donna: “Hello? You gotta turn the volume up.” She grabs his radio and demonstrates the technique.

The Lead Investigators finally seem to have torn themselves away from the  craft service van and are trying to finish this excruciating set-up. Three of the four quarters of the four-screen monitor have video. It is July 22, 2005, and it seems to be 11:19 PM.

Grant: “How’s that?”

Jason: “Yeah, why’d we just lose video?”

Cheryl: “When you’re plugging stuff into sockets in the house, so we’re not going to be able to turn off the lights without turning off the power to the sockets.”

Jason: “Ah. It’s a friggin’ nightmare.” Grant slaps him on the shoulder.

Grant: “Make it work, brother.”

Jason interviews: “We’ve run into a few obstacles – uh – you know – certain areas we can’t get into – uh – some power issues.”

Grant: “We’re runnin’ out of time.”

Jason: “It’s workin’ real slow here. It takes two people to put a camera up there? We need to – uh…” He snaps his fingers. “One person can run a wire.”

Grant: “I think going to the area they should run a…” He waves his arms.

Jason: “Dave, Dave – while one person’s putting the camera in somewhere we gotta grab the cable. We gotta get goin’ here, all right? It can’t take two people to place one damn camera on the floor. So let’s get it going.”

MB: As opposed to two people doing nothing…

THE INVESTIGATION

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE

FRIDAY 10:35 PM

Jason interviews: “Set-up was moving way too slowly and me and Grant pulled Steve aside. We turned the heat up on him. I gotta be honest. Steve pulled through. He pulled through with flying colors. Because of the limited outlets we had to reroute the power to active rooms of the house. Luckily we had enough extension cords.”

The three peons labor at unreeling cords.

Steve: “I finally found some power.”

Jason: “Steve, we’ve got power.”

Grant, on radio: “Power’s on. Thank you.”

The four-screen monitor is seen to have four video screens.

TM: But where did they put the cameras? And why?

MB: They’re not looking for ghosts, silly.

TM: I keep forgetting.

Jason: “So let’s get lights out. Let’s do it. All right? All right. Let’s get switched out.”

There is a faint chorus of agreement from the dispirited TAPS labor force.

Steve: “I’m gonna go upstairs and start [something or other].”

Dave: “Okay.”

Steve: “Ballroom. Ballroom?”

Dave: “Ballroom? Where’d it go? I think it’s in here.”

Grant interviews: “It’s interesting how much psychology’s involved walkin’ through the place. It’s like you’re walkin’ through Mrs. Winchester’s mind. It’s just – twisted and weird.”

Steve, still looking for the ballroom: “Where the hell are we?”

Dave: “Which way to the ballroom?”

Steve: “Oh, that’s right. It’s down here. Ready?”

Dave: “Here we are.”

BALLROOM

11:29 PM

Steve: “Gotta take our shoes off.”

Dave: “Your feet smell?”

Steve sniffs his shoes.

Dave: “You? I don’t smell anything.”

Steve: “No, I’m pretty good.”

Steve interviews: “I guess the next thing they hear an organ plays, I guess. Yeah.”

Steve and Dave examine the organ. A clanking noise off behind them is heard. Steve looks in that direction.

Dave: “What was that?”

Steve: “I don’t know what it is.”

There’s some more clanking. It doesn’t sound like ghosts.

Dave: “It’s such a big room.”

Steve: “Yeah, it is.”

Dave: “What is that?”

They run their flashlights over paneled ceiling and walls. There’s some more clanking. Steve finds a small door to investigate. And we’re suddenly in the cellars.

BASEMENT

2 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Jason and Grant are, as usual, hogging the thermal imaging camera, the only piece of equipment cool enough for them to stoop to use. Jason is wearing a head lamp and looking like and ill-tempered optometrist.

Grant: “Watch your head. So this is the area people see that guy lookin’ around.”

Jason: “Mm-hmm.”

Grant: “Did you hear that?”

The same clanking we heard upstairs is audible in the basement.

Grant: “So many weird sounds.”

Jason’s head-lamp light bounces around as he tries to find the noise source.

Grant interviews: “While Jason and I were down in the basement, we kept hearing these odd banging sounds we couldn’t identify. At the same time, Tango and Steve were up in the ballroom hearing the same thing.”

Grant in scene: “It’s like you can’t trust this place. It’s just – sounds could be coming from anywhere.”

TAPS COMMAND CENTRAL

SATURDAY 1:19 AM

Donna is sitting in front of the 4-screen monitor, smiling tightly and jiggling a knee. It is not clear why the editors thought we needed to see her, as we immediately return to the upper regions.

Dave: “You smell that?”

Steve: “It’s just musty. Phantom smell maybe.”

They check their underarms.

Grant interviews: “Phantom smells or psychic smells are any random aroma that you just cant’ be explained by your surroundings. Typically they’re cigarettes or flowers, perfume.”

Dave and Steve have moved on to another room.

Dave: “Steve, Steve – this is what I was smelling before. You smell this room?”

Steve: “Some must.”

Dave: “This is what I was smellin’. But it was like three times worse.”

Grant interviews: “The theory on phantom smell is that an entity, in trying to express itself, will express itself through smell, and smell is one of the most powerful memory joggers.”

TM: Phantom smell, pooh. Why isn’t Grant lecturing about matrixing here? Why aren’t they debunking the phantom smell? For that matter, why are they doing nothing more ambitious than smelling their armpits? Where are the EVP recorders? Where are the EMF meters?

MB: I think I saw a thermometer, but again, dear, they are not looking for ghosts.

TM: Oh. That’s right, too.

DAISY BEDROOM

5 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Jason and Grant are still doing their useless thermal trolling.

Grant: “This used to be her bedroom but she then moved it after the earthquake to the other one. I guess they say quite a few people have felt cold spots in this area.”

Jason: “Ho.”

Grant: “What was that?”

Jason: “What was what?”

Grant: “Go back.”

Jason: “What? What did you see? You want to check it?”

Grant: “What’s weird is you just came back across there and I didn’t see it the second time. This place is filled with so much glass. Oh, yeah. We got a reflection over there. Yeah, that – it was you.”

Jason: “Yeah, there’s ten thousand windows.”

Grant: “It’s a nightmare for us.”

TM: There are not ten thousand…

MB: We know.

TM: The Empire State Building only has 6,500.

MB: Really?

TM: The Pentagon only has 9,000.

MB: That’s fascinating. Let’s keep moving.

Steve and Donna are peering into some inaccessible corner of the house.

Steve: “Look it – that place looks awesome. Too bad it’s padlocked.”

Donna: “Where does that go? Is that door open? Wow. I really wish we could go in there. Oh.”

Elsewhere, Jason calls them back from their “ghost-hunting.”

Jason: “Hey.”

Donna: “Hello.”

Jason: “It’s time. Let’s wrap up. Let’s get out of here. Call it a night.”

Steve: “Sounds good. I’ll go round up some cameras.”

There is much reeling of cords, and closing of cases.

Grant: “Phew. All I can say is what a place.”

Cheryl laughs: “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

TM: That’s not what he said.

MB: Hush.

Jason: “What we’re gonna do now is in the next couple days we’re gonna analyze the evidence that we caught. We’ll set up a time to come back, sit down, let you what we found and what we didn’t find.”

Cheryl: “All right. I’m looking forward to it.”

Jason: “Thank you for having us. It’s been wonderful.
Cheryl: “Thank you.”

Grant: “Thank you. And get some sleep, okay?”

Cheryl: “Thank you, and you, too.”

Cheryl interviews: “TAPS seemed to have covered every room that we’ve had activity in before, so hopefully the investigation will be able to help us confirm some of the stories that we’ve been hearing from guests and employees.”

TM: People are always so damn hopeful.

MB: Hope. Eternal. Sad.

TM: On the bright side, TAPS confirmation is fairly worthless.

MB: True. Except at lunatic asylums.

TM: Did I tell you the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum is hawking ghost tours and “investigations” at $40 and $150 a head? “The Hospital of Horrors.”

MB: Rebecca Jordan is going straight to hell.

THE ANALYSIS

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE

SUNDAY 8:00 AM

A function room in the San Jose Holiday Inn.

Donna: “I’m ready, guys.”

Steve interviews: “Donna’s expressed an interest in helping us review the evidence so I’m going to let her help us out an – uh – I think an extra pair of eyes will definitely help.”

Steve, Donna, and Dave sit slumped over in various positions at a table with their respective recording devices. Time passes. Positions change.

Dave: “Look at this camera. It’s just bouncin’ around. Look at this. They’re goin’ in circles – whsshh whsshh whsshh.”

He twirls his finger in the air to demonstrate the spinning camera action. Donna looks over and grins. Steve remains glum.

Donna: “I wonder why they did that.”

Dave: “Probably got lost.”

Donna chortles.

Steve must put a stop to such frivolity: “If you’re watching this alone, just so you know, every time you take your eyes away, you have to press “pause.” Okay?”

Donna: “Okay.”

Steve: “Okay?”

Donna: “Okay.”

Steve: “’Cause that second you could miss…” He wags his finger.

Donna: “Something significant.”

Steve: “Yeah, like that – penitentiary footage? You know if Brian and I had looked away for ten seconds…”

Donna: “You would have missed it.”

Steve: “We would have missed it.”

MB: Brian!

TM: Maybe that’s why they’re having such a hard time setting up. No Brain.

MB: I miss Brian.

Steve interviews, snippily: “More than experience, I think Donna lacks the focus. She needs to understand that the good investigator sees the investigation through to the end. Because of all that data you never know where that key piece of evidence is that could prove it’s a legitimate haunting.”

MB: Well, with you guys at the wheel, that’s going to be never and nowhere, so we all can relax.

TM: Are there illegitimate hauntings?

Donna: “Wait. Go back. I just saw something.”

THE ANALYSIS

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE

SUNDAY 4:01 PM

Donna is looking at the screen showing a staircase. Why they have a camera trained on this staircase has not been explained.

Donna: “I thought I saw something in this upper right-hand corner. The stairs – can you just go back and look at it?”

Steve: “Mm-hmm.”

A large fluffy white thing floats by the camera lens.

Steve: “I’d probably say that’s a bug because of the speed it’s moving and how…”

Donna: “The direction, too.”

Steve: “…it’s distorted when it moves. Dust usually doesn’t distort.”

Dave leans back from his monitor: “[Mumble] DVD.”

Donna: “You’re done?”

Dave: “I’m done.”

Donna: “Oh my god. You know what? I give you guys a lot of credit for – uh – being able to do this time and time again, because it’s – it’s more intense than I thought it was.”

Steve smiles modestly.

Donna: “I’ll never underestimate your job again.” She laughs.

The three peons vanish magically from their chairs.

TM: They have discovered teleportation. Someone has been studying Tesla!

MB: The editors got tired of faking lightning. They have a new toy.

THE FINDINGS

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE

SUNDAY 6:12 PM

Knocking is heard.

Donna: “Hellooo! It’s us!”

The three peons are admitted access to the room of the grand pooh-bahs. The pooh-bahs have laptops out and are pretending to be working.

Jason: “So what’s goin’ on?”

Donna: “Hey, guys.”

Grant: “Hey.”

Steve: “Not so much. Uh – we analyzed everything. We didn’t find anything unfortunately.”

Grant: “At all?”

Steve: “At all.”

MB: Gee.

TM: What a disappointment.

Jason: “Yeah, I think it’s just creepy enough to see a lady spend that much money doing that all based on what a psychic told her. Yeah, well, all right. Good job.”

Steve: “All right, guys.”

Jason: “Get ready ‘cause we got the Queen Mary coming up.”

The Atlantic Paranormal Society chuckles in anticipation. Jason waggles his eyebrows.

MB: It’s like Christmas is coming.

TM: More like Halloween. No, Cabbage Night.

THE REVEAL

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE

MONDAY 5:47 PM

TM: What makes it 5:47? Is it when they arrive in the parking lot? Open the door? Sit down? Do they have a special intern who is keeper of the time-stamp log? Do the editors throw dice to choose a time?

MB: Do you really care?

TM: No, but as they’re about to reveal nothing, I need something to think about.

Cheryl, Jason and Grant are sitting on opposite sides of a picturesque arbor. They have foregone the usual laptop set-up, since, of course, there is nothing to see.

Grant: “So how you doin’?”

Cheryl: “Great, thanks. Nice to see you again.”

Jason: “Always a pleasure.”

Cheryl: “We’re interested to find out what you found.”

Grant: “Well, as you know – uh – we’ve always wanted to investigate this place. It’s – it’s been touted as one of the most haunted places.”

TM: By who?

MB: By whom.

TM: By whom?

MB: By the all-knowing Them. The ones who are always saying stuff.

Jason: “We try to deal pretty much with the evidence at hand – what we catch, we can actually put out there for the world to see.

MB: The world, ha.

Jason: “And with that we didn’t really catch any evidence that would support claims of a haunting.”

Cheryl nods.

Grant: “I wish we had experienced something but – uh – the place is just –mysterious, and I can see why somebody would assume it’s haunted.”

Cheryl nods.

Jason: “It’s a wonderful place, wonderful people, and you guys have made it delightful for us being out here.”

Cheryl: “Thank you.”

Jason: “We really want to say thank you for having us.”

Cheryl: “It’s great to have you guys come out.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Cheryl: “Thank you.”

The three vanish magically from the arbor.

TM: If they do that too much they’re going to end up dead, or stuck halfway through a rock somewhere.

MB: The editors will get sick of it eventually.

TM: They could spice it up with some of that fake lightning.

Cheryl interviews as the diabolical duo take to the road again: “Even if Jason and Grant didn’t find anything, just know that when they were here there was nothing, but it just leaves the mystery open for us, and that’s what we do. We present all of our guests with all of the facts.”

In the car:

Jason: “That went really well.”

Grant: ‘I really think it did. She was very accepting. She understood and uh…”

Having no place else to go with that thought, Grant subsides.

Jason: “Now the Queen Mary, man.”

Grant: “It’s a big boat.”

Jason: “Yeah, it’s huge. Huh. Hopefully it’ll go a lot smoother than it went at the – uh – Winchester mansions.”

Grant: “Hopefully.”

Jason: “So let’s get back to the hotel and – you know – get everybody and head off to Long Beach.”

Grant waves his hand: “Onward.”

Jason: “On to the next.”

TO BE CONTINUED

After rewatching the DeVille house episode (203) of Ghost Hunters, in light of Pam Gates Hoyt’s recent revelations, Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose are both feeling pret-ty silly about being taken in by that door. They don’t like being so thoroughly hoodwinked. They need to vent.

TM: So.

MB: Pft. Charlatans! Mountebanks! TAPS enters the long roll of paranormal frauds in my book. I’m peeved. I am officially disgruntled.

TM: Well, at least it got you out of the tomato patch. Those bloody wankers. You get the tar. I’ll fetch the feathers.

MB: You were right. Way back when, you were right.

TM: To be fair, I thought the door was real, too. We wanted to believe.

MB: No, I mean when you said if they lied about the little stuff, why should we believe them about the big stuff? Nothing they say is credible. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

TM: “And the self-righteous shall be laid low and trampled by ducks.”

MB: Huh?

TM: A quote seemed called for, so I made one up. In honor of TAPS. So I told you what Pam said about them filming the attempted door-debunking back in Rhode Island. Did you notice they didn’t even bother to try to get the door swing right when they filmed the fake door?

MB: Idiots.

TM: And there’s a wall right next to the door at a right angle, and there’s a dropped ceiling in the interior room.

MB: We’re idiots. We are idiots. No wonder we never saw Bruce with them as they “examined” the door. They never examined the door, because they didn’t need to, because they faked the whole thing.

TM: Where’s old Bruce in all this? He reacted in just the way they wanted him to.

MB: Oh my god – it was so easy for them to dupe him, because he lives in a goddamn haunted house. That is positively diabolical. The ghost hunters duping the homeowners, in order to spice up their “reality” television show. No wonder Jason and Grant are so suspicious of other people’s claims, because they’re both incorrigible liars, themselves.

TM: I thought we liked the word “fabulist.”

MB: Great big creepy fabulists. Or maybe vile little creepy fabulists.

TM: Flaming-pants fabulists. So while they were filming the door opening and closing, Jason DeVille was being kept outside, Bruce was being kept in the living room, and Pam and Michelle were being herded around by various TAPS people. It must have been a breeze. I mean easy-peasy, not a breeze. I assume some form of string was involved. Did you notice how the door bounced kind of oddly as it reached the end of its swing? I’m guessing someone out of line of the light coming under the door leaned over and opened the door knob, pushed it slightly, let it open a bit, and pulled it back with string attached to the door knob.

MB: Jesus H. Christ. We’re idiots.

TM: If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t found anything on the internets to indicate anyone else noticed either.

MB: It does not make me feel better.

TM: Oh, well. Yeah. We’re idiots. If I hadn’t been salivating over Texas hot wieners in Altoona, I might have noticed they were doing funny editing right from the start. Sidetracked by sausage. LORD GOD ALMIGHTY – GUESS WHO MOVED THE BED COVERS ON THE QUEEN MARY???

MB: What? Who? When? Stop shouting.

TM: Third season! We must go there next, Mme!!! They did it themselves!!!!!!! It’s too perfect – it works if it isn’t discovered, and it works if it is. I don’t know if Dave Tango was a patsy or in on it from the start, but it is sublimely perverse. Grant got to be all outraged that someone was playing a trick on them, when they did it themselves!!! I’m actually starting to feel a teeny-tiny bit of respect for the sheer brazen effrontery of it all.

MB: Wait, wait, wait. God knows, there’s going to be plenty of time for rethinking everything we thought we knew. Let’s stick to the case at hand. So Kristyn Gartland is revealed to be an aspiring actress rather than a total disgrace to female ghost hunters everywhere.

TM: I wonder if she thought of stroking her neck in that scene with Grant herself. Because – actressy foreshadowing!

MB: And Pam says the lamp that Paula got the minus-9 temperature reading was unplugged.

TM: I never understood how Pam picked up a cold spot first before Paula “proved” it was interference from the halogen lamp, plugged or unplugged.

MB: And the great ghost hunt shut down at ten o’clock to avoid film crew overtime. Where else do you suppose this has happened? Why did they even bother to go? What’s the point?

TM: My dear, I know you say you are officially disgruntled, but you have to start realizing the “ghost hunters” of TAPS are not hunting ghosts. Maybe they once were, but they stopped long ago.

MB: The Myrtles slave shack did look in awfully good condition, come to think of it.

TM: I guess all the controversy about the moving lamp there was more than justifiable. It was that weasel Grant.

MB: And, too bad, the scary shadow on the porch was just…

TM: Grant. I’m for blaming it all on the weasel. I told you he was bad.

MB: He’s no worse than Jason, though.

TM: Eh – Leopold/Loeb. Bush/Cheney. What’s the difference?

MB: Harry Price never would have survived the internets.

TM: Surely you’re not comparing the diabolical duo to Harry Price?

MB: Well, no. Grant is no Marianne Foyster. He’s cheesier. And the diabolical duo is surviving the internets nicely, isn’t it?

TM: Yes, but when future generations dig up our documents, which I am saving printed on acid-free paper sealed in a water-tight, fireproof steel box in a bomb-proof metal vault in a secret location, their goose will be cooked.

MB: Something to look forward to, then.

TM: Yes!

MB: At least they ate the gumbo.

TM: There’s that. Although if anyone ever deserved to have a pot of hot gumbo poured over them…

MB: A waste of good gumbo.

TM: Vraiment vrai. Alors, maybe you will think about a return to work now? A plethora of paranormal travesties awaits.

MB: And I still need to find Steve saying “supposably.”

TM: There you go.

MB: But there’s that tomato chutney I need to make…

TM: Oh, first things first. Anyway, I think I have go rewrite all the dang nutshell recarps. Cripes. A pox upon you, Hans and Franz.

Regular Ouija Board transmissions will resume anon. We have Mme. B.’s word.

Mme. Blahblatsky is still in a stew about the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum episode. I, the Talking Mongoose, am trying to tend the shop in her absence. Fate has kindly bestowed upon me the fascinating Pam of the DeVille “Gumbo” episode (part of the TAPS invasion of Louisiana in the second season of Ghost Hunters, February 2005). Pam was a founder of the Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters group, whom we were supposed to believe had called up Grant Wilson and Jason Hawes, as a member of the TAPS “family,” asking for help regarding the haunted sugar plantation. Well, we’re not idiots, and we knew that wasn’t the way it happened, but we couldn’t figure out the real story until now, because Pam herself has given us the other side.

Go with us now into the roiling depths of the icky TAPS “family” as we get an exclusive interview with Pam Gates Hoyt. Remember that opening and closing door they couldn’t debunk? Oh, dear.

How did TAPS approach you with the idea behind the episode? What did they tell you up front? Did you know they were going to pretend you were asking for help? Did that annoy you?

I was contacted by someone with Pilgrim Productions through my website. I didn’t even know Taps was in town. I gave him my phone number and he called me. He said that they were in New Orleans and would be taping for a week. They had made arrangements to do an investigation of a private residence (they didn’t want to do just public places). I thought it hilarious that they had made arrangements for this residential investigation through one of those phony, money-grubbing fakes in town (she takes buses into cemeteries, dresses all in black and charges money for something tourist could do for free). She was a member of their “Family” and they had never even met her. So, her investigation [fell] through at the last minute and they were clambering to find an investigation at the last minute. I guess they started scanning the net and they came across Michelle and me. No, we did not know they were going to pretend we were asking for help. I would NEVER have asked them for help. And Hell Yeah, it annoyed me. I thought it made me look incapable and I have been involved with the paranormal a lot longer than they have. I started training as a medium from my Cajun Grandmother around three years old.

How did you happen to meet the DeVilles?

They contacted me through our website, referred to us by a friend who had a group in North Louisiana.

When had you first been involved in the DeVille house, and what was the status of your case when TAPS called?

I was originally contacted by Bruce DeVille’s younger brother a couple months prior to the taping. We went out and did an initial investigation. I asked the clients not to tell me anything about what was going on there (something I always did). Michelle did background investigation on the property; she knew more about it than me. After our initial investigation, we were in the process of scheduling a full investigation. We were gathering the proper equipment and making arrangements when TAPS came into the picture.

Had you seen the first season of Ghost Hunters previously? What did you think about TAPS before you actually met them?

Yes, I had seen the first season. Michelle and I did things alone for a long time before deciding to form a group. We used The Myrtles as our training ground. We thought that we wanted to use TAPS as a model for our group as far as having certain people in charge of certain things, such as Case Manager, Tech Manager, etc. And we were looking at the equipment they were using to decide what we liked and didn’t like. What did I think about TAPS? I thought Jason was a total Ass and swore I never would treat people that way.

Exactly how long did it take to do the filming?

Not long enough. We met them at their hotel on the West Bank that afternoon. I was immediately annoyed by the filming and refilming of stupid little things like greeting them, walking out of the hotel to go to the cars and even re-filmed leaving the hotel THREE times. I took an immediate dislike to the Director. He was snotty, condescending and controlling. Look, Cajuns have traditions, just like the Japanese, Chinese and other cultures and this guy was just insulting. I also thought it was extremely disrespectful to me, Michelle and our clients that they (TAPS members and crew) were all hung over from too much Bourbon Street the night before.

Who was in charge of the production? Who made decisions affecting content? You mentioned Kristyn Gartland didn’t really refuse to sit with Bruce. Whose hare-brained idea was that?

I was first contacted by someone in California, then by the location manager who was with TAPS in New Orleans, then the Director of the shoot. It was clear that the Director was calling ALL the shots. As far as Kristyn, that was a complicated one. Michelle’s sister Ashley had gone with us. She was not a member of SLGH, [she] didn’t plan to be a part of the show, she just came along to watch her sister tape a TV show. Originally they had asked Ashley to sit with Bruce. Well, they didn’t ask her. The Director kind of shoved it at her. Ashley is kind of skittish about the paranormal and had never met Bruce before that night. She originally reluctantly agreed to do it, but then Mr. Hot-Shot Director insulted her and she came to Michelle and asked her to get her out of it. So that’s when they decided to use Kristyn. But, Michelle decided she wasn’t going to let anyone treat her sister that way and pulled Grant aside and said “look, you just don’t treat people like this in the south. If you want Ashley to sit with Bruce, she0ll do it, but show her some respect. The part with Kristyn refusing to sit with Bruce was a complete lie and completely scripted.

What was in that gumbo? Who made it? It sounds like it wasn’t Bruce, to my disappointment.

The Gumbo was a chicken and Andouille (sausage) gumbo and it was made by Bruce’s sister who owns a little café in town. It is a Cajun tradition to cook a gumbo when company is coming. To not at least taste it, is an insult. Steve’s remarks were an insult to Bruce’s family and to Cajuns in general.

(They did eat the gumbo, although we still don’t know about prissy-sissy Steve. TM)

Did you get those shirts on your own, or did the producers make you wear them?

Those were our shirts. I mean, we wore those shirts on all our investigations and all of our team members (who the production company said COULD NOT COME) wore those shirts on all our investigations. They didn’t make us wear them, it was our investigation and we were representing our group, not TAPS.

Was the filming straight “documentary” or did they make you repeat scenes multiple times? Was there any script?

We didn’t have a script, but we were at times told what to say. Multiple times????? We introduced Jason and Grant to Bruce about 5 times at the door. It got so damn annoying! For example: we were told to introduce Jason and Grant and that they would then say, “We’re from TAPS. We’re here to help.” How lame is that?

Bruce made one of the most rational presentations of paranormal household problems ever. What did you think about the editing decision to try to make him look like a nut?

I was FURIOUS!!! Bruce is a down to earth, hardworking guy, who has taken care of his youngest brother since both their parents died. He is a good person, the kind of guy you would want to have for a big brother.

What is the “smell of death?” Did they make you say that, or was that for real? We are familiar with the smell of a dead rat inside a wall, mind you.

No, they didn’t make me say that. Maybe it is something only a medium can understand. But can you imagine finding a dead body after it had been there for a few days. Just a rank and disgusting smell.

Do you think the door opening incident was real? Where was everybody between 8 and 8:30 anyway?

OK, this is kind of tricky. I don’t want people to think that there is not activity at that house. They chose to zoom in on only one of the spirits on that property. The history of that property has recorded everything from the Houmas Indian tribe, a Civil War skirmish, deaths of children from yellow fever, the overseer dropping dead of a heart attack in the kitchen, his wife [dying of] a brain tumor in the bathtub, and one of the original owners of the Plantation (who was German) allowed Confederate soldiers to camp on the grounds and then informed the Union, thus a bloody battle ensued. The Deville House is only one of several houses on a working sugar cane farm called “The Georgia Plantation”. The big house has been gone for years, but two overseers’ houses still remain. The house is over one hundred years old.

So, now to answer your question and burst everyone’s bubble. For you to know that I am telling you the honest truth, let me give you the layout of that room in proximity to the house. You saw us greet Bruce at the front door. As soon as you walk into the front door, the room is directly to the right. So that anyone going in and out of the front door had to pass that room. When you go into the front door, there is a long hallway with two bedrooms on each side and the stairs at the end of the hallway before you would go through a closed door into the living room where Bruce was sitting all during the taping. Jason DeVille was kept outside, supposedly [being interviewed] the whole time. The hallway was never dark, in other words, there was no “lights out” in the hallway because crew members were constantly going in and out of the house. You can’t go by the time they showed you on TV – that was totally fabricated. We got to the house around 6-7 pm. At some point (when Ashley was in the living room with Bruce), Jason called Michelle and me out to his Tahoe or whatever it was, to have a frank and honest talk with us. [Ha! TM] He wanted to give us advice, find out if we had any questions and wanted to steer us away from a certain person (I won’t name him) who has been in the field for many, many years. He was really hating on this guy. So he kept us out in the truck for at least forty-five minutes or more. So, it really upsets me that when I was in that room, trying to tell that brainiac girl that there was someone in there with us, she debunks the temperature change by pointing the thermometer to a lamp that WAS NOT PLUGGED IN! But then the door of that same room opens and closes on its own twice while people are constantly in the hallway in front of it! You decide. Did I mention that there were 21 crew members from Pilgrim Productions, 7 members of TAPS, myself, Michelle and Ashley, Bruce and Jason DeVille all there at the same time?

And that reminds me. Where does everybody go and what do they do during the hours and hours we don’t get to see what’s happening? Is someone really watching the video monitors all the time? How did that door get missed, if so? Isn’t it really true they’re all lollygagging around the craft services truck, smoking and gossiping?

I don’t know about that one. Like I said, we arrived at the house between 6 and 7 pm and we were told that they had to have the crew back to the hotel in NO before midnight or they would have to pay them double time. So, everything wrapped up by 9:30 or 10 at the very latest. Not much of an investigation huh?

What was the story with the younger brother Jason? Was he filmed at all and cut out in post-production, or cut out from the start? Too many Jasons for Jason’s taste? Is it true he shaved his head bald to look like the TAPS Jason?

This is the saddest story of all of it. Jason has epilepsy. He keeps his head shaved because he has an electrical device and a shunt in his brain to cut down seizure activity. They pretended to be filming him, but never intended to use him on the show. He has a bit of a stammer. He was such a fan of the show and was so excited about the shoot and then they crushed him. He was SO hurt! We made him an honorary m ember of SLGH to try to make up for it. He is the one that caught the debunking of the door scene. He called me and said, “Pam, you know when they came back out here for the reveal (we were not allowed to go), the door that Jason is looking at to make sure it couldn’t have opened and shut on its own? That door is not even in this house.” I questioned Jason about it. He got pissed off and gave me some crap about it being too dark to film in there so they filmed it back at their office in Rhode Island. That was the beginning of the end of me with TAPS!

What happened after the episode was filmed? What was your reaction upon seeing it? How did you get banned from the TAPS chat board?

Michelle and I watched it together at my apartment. We were told it was to air on a certain date and it turned out [to air] a week prior to the date we were given. We had planned to have a little get-together at my apartment for the whole team on that night. Michelle and I use to watch together every week, mainly always on the lookout for new equipment. We were shocked when they announced it was our episode on. Then, we were a little stunned and didn’t know what to say, especially when we saw how they had cut Jason DeVille completely out. We didn’t know what we were going to tell him. It was weird seeing ourselves on TV and I was furious at the segment with me and what’s her name in the bedroom. When we saw the door, at first we were excited, but then it was Jason DeVille himself who discovered the first deception and pointed it out to us.

I was banned from the message boards for telling the truth; plain and simple. I wouldn’t lie to people.

What’s that business about you getting your head run into a beam and a window sill about? We want details.

The female entity is a possessive spirit. Having been a medium now for over forty years, I can tell you that the more familiar spirits get with you, the more they will interact with you. She did physically attack me on several occasions. At one point, she cornered me in a room in the attic and it took Michelle and two guys on my team to pull me loose from her. She also attacked a couple other people on the team. But she singled me out, I think, because I specialize in cleansing houses of malevolent spirits and demonology.

We called TAPS a lot of names in this episode. What would be your preferred names for them? (You don’t need to use ours – make up your own!)

Cruel, gold-digging fakes who don’t care who they hurt to make a buck. They give people who are doing this for the right reason (finding the truth or comforting the grieving) a bad name. They are using the paranormal for fame.

What do you think is TAPS real agenda? What is this TAPS family nonsense, anyway? Are they trying to be the Sopranos of the paranormal? Is it really a cult, and is there a secret handshake? Dues?

You know, that is a good way to put it. Yes, they are trying to be the Sopranos of the paranormal. If you are not one of their “Family members” in their eyes, you’re nothing. No it’s not a cult; it’s just two guys who play good cop/bad cop for ratings. Grant has some kind of bachelor’s degree in computer technology; you think he really wanted to work as a plumber?????? There are no monetary dues, but when you get in bed with those guys, you pay, believe me.

What do you think of Jason’s green-olives system of keeping away ghosts? And is he as much of a pill as he seems?

I don’t know anything about the “green olive” thing. I never heard of it. He is more of an ass than you will ever know. He is a know-it-all, pretentious, condescending ass. Why do you think the twins are no longer on the show? I quit watching the show after the Myrtles Episode. It was soooooo wrong. The supposed “slave” house they were staying in: it is a building that is not original to the property. When Mrs. Teeta Moss first bought the house, she lived in it. Her sons were toddlers at the time and she had this built for them as a club house or play house. After Teeta built a million-dollar home at the very back of the property, she did have her maintenance guy stay in it for a while, but eventually it was incorporated into the bed-and-breakfast and could be rented out. That room is no more than twenty years old. Michelle and I became friendly with Teeta. We spent every Friday at that house when we first began to explore the paranormal together as two friends and co-workers. We both taught at a Health Career College and had every Friday off. Michelle practiced Wicca, and taught me about it, while I used The Myrtles to exercise my skills as a medium and taught Michelle about the Cajun rituals of Cadoo. That episode pissed us off just about as much as our own. The Myrtles is a sacred place to us.

What was going on at the Deville house the last you heard?

The last I heard, Bruce was working offshore and had another brother living there with him. This brother felt that TAPS had made Bruce look foolish and was angry about what they did to Jason. He wouldn’t allow anymore investigations. Bruce has told other people that he won’t allow anyone else to investigate but me. The reason is because, also as a Cajun, I respected him and his family and he knew I would never exploit him.

What’s your favorite haunted house in Louisiana?

The LaLaurie House in New Orleans.

What is your most interesting paranormal experience ever?

Dying. I have been clinically dead twice in my life.

What are you doing now?

I have a book coming out soon. “Spirits of Louisiana; Experiences of A Cajun Medium.” It is an autobiography of my life, from the confusion of my childhood. My Mother was a fire-and-brimstone minister and my Father believed in my gift. I also consult with other paranormal groups, as long as they are not with TAPS or LASpirits fans.

We’re of the opinion, generally, that ghosts are mostly sad and dull. They’re unnerving because we don’t understand how they can be. Also, that TAPS’ version of ghost hunting is kind of pointless, because it will never be possible to prove anything. What’s your take on this?

You are right about TAPS and the International show is even worse. But you are wrong about ghosts being sad and dull. They are anything but. I love playing with the children at the Myrtles and I love a good fight with an inhuman. You’d be surprised at what happens when you are not doing this to promote yourself!

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