TM:  Red Skelton Studios, and speak for yourself regarding mentally challenged.  You know, it strikes me that there are an awful lot of clowns involved in this episode.

MB:  I’d like to see Perry Mason investigate TAPS.  Then they’d be sorry.

TM:  Grant wouldn’t stand a chance.   If Perry Mason grilled him, he’d admit to building Al Capone’s vaults.

Same disclosure applies per The Assent of K2..

TAPS has finished “investigating”  at the house that is sort of but not exactly on the site of the Manson murders, and is moving on to Muppet misdeeds.

Case #2

Hollywood, California – Henson Studios

Wednesday 4:20 PM

Grant: “So Jim Henson Studios.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “This is interesting, huh?”

Jason interviews: “We’re all pretty excited about going to the Henson Studios ‘cause a lot of the claims of activity.”

Donna, in boss car: “You know I was talking to a few people over there and the activity is constant, it’s occurring, and it’s recent, too.”

MB: Donna has some weird speech patterns.

TM: Leave Donna alone!

MB: Okay!

Grant: “Sweet.”

They pass Grauman’s Theater, with stars visible on the sidewalk.

TM: Big Bird has a star, you know.

MB: I did not. Judge Judy and Big Bird. Huh.

TM: TAPS may end up there yet.

MB: The glaciers can’t get here too soon.

Tango, in van: “This studio used to Charlie Chaplin’s place, right?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Tango: “Awesome. I’m a fan of his.”

Steve: “It is awesome.”

Jason on radio: “Well, cool, guys. We’re almost there so – uh – let’s just check it out.”

MB: The lameness. I want to give them all crutches.

TM: This is what – like their 50 millionth episode…

MB: Let’s see – oh, my lord. This is the 44^th.

TM: Do you want to know how many there are in all?

MB: What do you think?

TM: As of this week, 111. One hundred and eleven.

MB: Jesusmaryandjoseph did I say I wanted to know? We’ve only done what – twenty percent?  Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

TM: Ideas always start out good.  Well.

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Henson Studios

Wednesday 4:45 PM

Jason: “Hey, I’m Jason from TAPS?”

Unidentified man: “Hi.”

Jason: “How ya doin’?”

Grant: “Grant. How ya doin’?”

Man: “Hi. Good to meet you.”

Steve: “I’m Steve.”

Man: “Hi, Steve. My name’s Johan.”

Grant: “So what can you tell us about this place?”

Man: “This place was built in 1917 by Charlie Chaplin.”

Jason: “So we hear there’s a lot of paranormal history as well over here.”

TM: Oh, dear. They’re all dying.

MB: If only.

Johan Filla, Studio Employee is finally introduced to us: “I’ve been here six and a half years and since day one that I’ve worked here – uh – there’s – almost everybody’s had some kind of encounter or experience.

Johan interviews: “I wanted TAPS to come and investigate because people have seen numerous things and nobody can actually explain ‘em, and I though it’s be great to have these guys come out with all their equipment and check out the property and see if we can find something, get something on tape.”

MB: I don’t think the Jim Henson Studios need the publicity, so really, the why question remains.

TM: I bet they wanted to go to Universal for Lon Chaney and Thomas Ince, but Universal didn’t want them.

MB: But here?

TM: I think Mr. Filla won an office make-a-wish lottery. Or maybe he lost.

Johan in scene, outside the building, under a long second-floor balcony: “I had my own personal experience right here. It was right up on the roof line up there . One evening I was talking with somebody and out of the corner of my eye I see some movement and I looked up and I seen a dark figure wearing a – like old top hat and old coat, walkin’ up on the roof, and I go racin’ up the steps to tell ‘em to get the heck off the roof and nothing was there.”

They move indoors.

Johan: “”This is where – uh – we build puppets.”

Grant: “Wild.”

MB:  Wild?

TM:  Perhaps it’s the Rhode Island for cool, pronounced wicked in Massachusetts.

MB:  Far oot.

Johan: “And we had an employee here – uh – workin’ over there and he saw an apparition of a woman.”

John Criswell, Animatronics Supervisor: “From out of the corner of my eye I – I saw this woman. She had this – this real – um – distinct black hairdo, probably from the 40s maybe, and she went from left to right, and I looked over and to – just finish her – literally disappear into this wall”

Johan: “Well, before I take you into the stage, I’d like to talk to you about this hallway. Uh – this door has been known to open and close by itself, and also people have seen a woman walk through the hallway and just disappear into the door at the end of the hallway.”

Jason: “All right.”

Johan: “And now into the stage.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

Grant: “Cool.”

Johan: “And this is the original sound stage – uh – back then it was open air. Superman, George Reeves was shot here, along with Perry Mason.”

Grant: “Holy cow.”

MB: Perry Mason!

TM: Nobody every mentions Red Skelton owned the place.  You know, it strikes me that a lot of clowns are involved in this episode.

MB: I never liked Clem Kadiddlehopper, either.

Johan: “There are times when these barbers [?] would rattle for no apparent reason, and also people would hear voices up in the catwalk. People have seen a short, dark-complected person with a handlebar mustache – uh – walk away from this area.”

Jason: “All right, Johan. Appreciate the tour, man.”

Grant: “Yeah, this is a great place.”

Johan: “You’re welcome.”

Jason: “What we’re gonna do from here is set up all the – uh – equipment and see if we’re able to catch some of this activity. There seems to be enough of it.”

Jason interviews: “Yeah, this place is incredible. There’s a lot of claims of activity. Everything from full-body apparitions, to – uh – doors opening and closing, objects moving. I’m just ecstatic to be here and – uh – I’m hoping to catch some of this activity that they have.”

MB:  He is never going to learn how to pronounce “ecstatic.”

TM:  He’s not an ecstatic kind of guy.  He shouldn’t need to.

Steve interviews: “I can’t believe I’m here in this studio. We have – uh – open-door access. I’m in places that nobody gets to go, I’m in heaven. I mean this is – this is amazing for me.”

TM: It is always such a thrill to get to see mop closets and boiler rooms.

MB: Some people might enjoy boiler rooms. Especially people who don’t get to go to Ireland.

TM: I guess Steve won’t be accessing the catwalks.

Jason: “So we’re good to go, guys, so pretty much let’s bring some digital recorders and – uh – let’s get lights out.”

There is a group chorus of okays and let’s do its. Go team. Lights out.

Grant: “All right.”

Jason: “Let’s head out and do a thermal sweep.”

Soundstage 7:40 PM

Grant: “All right. Studio.”

The FLIR thermal imaging camera screen indicates it is 11/10/06 at 11:40:43, if we are to believe it.

Jason: “A lot of the reports in here were that they see a short little guy who had a tendency to turn off the power. I’m getting some hot spots in here from the computer or something.”

Now it’s suddenly 12:47:48, same day, per the FLIR.

Grant: “Look at that! What is that? See it moving right there?”

Jason: “Do you wanna rewind the tape?”

Grant: “Jeez.”

Jason, sotto voce: “That looked like a body. I think we caught something.”

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Henson Studios

Wednesday 8:37 PM

Now the FLIR is back to 11:35.

Grant: “That was over there, right?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “What is that?”

And the FLIR is back to 12:42:51 again.

Grant:  “Look at that. Look look look. Boom.”

Jason: “Ooh. What the heck was that? Go back.”

And we have returned to 11:41:30 on the thermal imaging camera.

Grant: “Jeez. Look at that.”

Jason: “Wow.”

Jason interviews: “Grant and I decided to head into the soundstage and start a thermal sweep and right away we got a thermal hit and it sorta disappeared as fast as it came.”

Jason in scene: “That looked like a body.”

Grant: “It did, and it moved behind something.”

And now the FLIR is back to 12:47.

Jason: It almost looks like a lady.”

MB:  I will never get why they think an incorporeal presence is going to show up as a thermal body.  Why didn’t they run over and tackle it?

TM:  Because tackling ladies is uncouth.  Plus all evidence indicates they still believe in the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

Grant: “Mm hmm. Where were you pointing it when you did that?”

They take themselves and FLIR over to site of supposed ghost sighting.

Jason: “Right over here.”

Grant: You’re getting nothing.”

Jason: “Nothing.”

Grant: “Not even signs of footprints.”

Jason: “Not even a heat signature.”

Of course, they can’t allow us to see nothing on the FLIR, because why would we want to see nothing? Unless nothing is not there.

MB:  Why do we have to not see no footprints?  Surely they could have arranged that at least.

TM:  Because all the hooey is obscuring the footprints that are not there.

Jason interviews: “So Grant and I caught what almost appeared to look like a woman on the thermal.”

The Barn 4 hours into investigation

Donna: “I wonder where the staffer saw the apparition…Did you just say ‘Tango Tango’?”

Tango: “No.”

Silence.

Tango: “Did you hear Tango Tango?”

Donna: “I did. I heard [whispers] ‘Tango Tango.’”

Tango: “Are you serious?”

Donna: “I swear, yeah.”

Tango, to recorder: “Mark that Donna heard ‘Tango Tango.’”

Donna interviews: “Tango and I are in what they call the Barn and I thought he said to himself Tango [whispers] ‘Tango Tango’ in a whispery voice.”

MB: I think she heard mumbo jumbo.

TM: Or mambo mambo. Hey Mambo.

MB: Mambo italiano?

TM: I suddenly want fish enchiladas.

Tango: “Is someone here? What was that? Does it sound like a parrot?”

Donna: “Uh – yeah. What is that? Did you hear a ‘ssh’?”

Tango: “Yes.”

Donna: “You did?”

Tango: “Yes. What is goin’ on here?”

Soundstage 1:20 AM

Grant interviews: “J. and I decided to start out the night by investigating the soundstage. We caught a thermal hit. Um – upon reviewing it, we found that there was what looked like a figure in the room, and instantly you want to try to debunk it. You wanna figure out what it is.”

MB:  We do.

TM:  We do.

The FLIR image we’re shown is now at 12:47. I’m getting seasick.

Grant in scene: “All right, this is perfect. Get it behind the (?).”

They are shoving crates and equipment around.

Grant: “All right, I’ll be on thermal duty.”

Grant interviews: “So we went back on the tape and got the footage and tried to line it up with that footage.”

Grant in scene: “Yeah, you’d actually have to be even higher.”

Jason: “I’m two feet off the friggin’ground. What is this thing – nine feet tall?”

MB:  There. It’s definitely Big Bird.

TM: Big Bird is only 8’-2” you know.

MB: I was using my literary license. At least there is such a thing as a literary license. There is no license for paranormal chicanery.

The FLIR tape of their debunking set-up now says it’s 11/10/06 and 10:15:39, which means either they are doing their debunking before the actual incident or TAPS has discovered a major flaw in the space-time continuum.

TM: It’s Hollywood, after all. They film out of order there all the time.

MB: This is so stupid, I’d quit right here, except we’re almost at the end.

TM: We could leap ahead and do the end first, like TAPS.

MB: I happen to believe in linear time, in this reality anyway.

TM: Linear thinking is for saps.

Grant: “Put your left arm like to your side or behind you.”

Jason: “All right.”

Grant: “Now lean to your right a little bit. Boom – that’s it.”

And now we are shown the two FLIR images side by side, same day, “ghost at 12:47, and “attempted debunking” at 10:15, or, in most people’s reality, two and a half hours earlier.

MB: Okay, never mind that TAPS seems to have found the secret to reversing the flow of time, what kind of ghost has a heat signature that is the equivalent of a live human being?

TM: Look how hot Jason’s head is!

MB:  That figure is a human being.  A live one.

TM:  Or it could be a very recently deceased human being who is somehow walking upright.

MB:  You don’t mean…

TM: Yes.  Zombies are the dark secret behind the muppet empire.  The Jim Henson Studios are a hotbed of zombies.  Or, more likely,  it’s Grant.

Grant: “We found that J. had to be about three feet off the ground in order to recreate this image, so whatever was there was – gone in an instant and was floating three feet off the ground.”

The Barn 9 hours into investigation

Steve: “All right, Dave. Let’s head to the back.”

Steve interviews: “Tango and I are here in the Barn and we’re going to do some EVP work.”

Tango: “Last time we heard both things over in this area.”

TM: Did they ever look for a parrot?

MB: What gives me the heebie-jeebies is that it might be a Muppet.  Because you know, I was just joshing about Big Bird.

TM: A possessed Muppet would be better than a zombie. A possessed Big Bird would be – okay, now I’m scared.

Steve interviews: “Tango and Donna claim they heard some voices and heard some different noises so we wanna be able to capture that.”

Steve in scene: “Is anybody here with us? Can you please make a noise? Let us know you’re here?”

Tango: “Please show yourself. We need to know that you’re here.”

Steve goes quizzical-looking and points: “Did you hear that?”

There is a long silence.

Tango, whispering: “I heard a popping.”

Steve: “Can you talk to us? Is there anything you’d like to say?” In sotto cove: “It didn’t sound like it was coming from any…” He stops and whirls. “You heard that. I know you heard that.”

Tango looks in the same direction.

Steve interviews: “We would hear strange noises. Hopefully, something is gonna come out in our recorder that we can – uh – you know – have as evidence.”

Elsewhere, Jason and the gang are sitting around waiting for quitting time.

Jason: “Well, I – I’m figuring it’s getting’ late or it depends on how you look at it- early. {chorus of hos] So – why don’t we – uh – break it down, call it a night?”

We see Jason winding extension cords. What does it mean?

TM: It means Brian isn’t here.

MB:  Oh.  Right.

Jason interviews: “I know a lot of people have had some personal experiences here tonight, so there might be some – uh – credence to what they state over here as paranormal activity going on.”

Steve is walking by a ramp entrance that has been cordoned off with yellow caution tape. As he passes by, the tape falls down all by itself. The camera lingers on this spookiness.

TM: Steve is an electromagnetic phenomenon.

MB: He probably had a string attached to that.

Grant interviews: “I was pleasantly surprised with this place. I think we’re gonna find some good stuff.”

Jason: “Hey, Johan.”

Johan: “Hey.”

Jason: “We appreciate everything tonight, man.”

Grant: “It’s been a night, I tell ya.”

Johan: “Well, thank you guys for comin’ out.”

Jason: “We’re gonna analyze everything we’ve gathered here and we’ll come back, sit down with you, and let you know.”

Johan: “Okay, great.”

Grant: “All right?”

Jason: “I’ll see ya later.”

Grant: “Get some sleep, Johan.”

Johan: “All right, thanks. Bye.”

Johan interviews: “When TAPS comes back, I’m sure they’ll have some proof that there is somethin’ goin’ on.”

MB: Oh, god. I can’t take much more of this.

TM: We’re almost done. Just some fake analysis and a fake reveal.

Jason, in car: “Well, I’m just psyched about the investigation, man. That was awesome.”

Grant: “Good job, good job, good job.”

Jason: “Yep.”

TM: Well, words are failing even me here.

MB: I like the way Grant is always responsible for telling people to get some sleep, while Jason tells them how wonderful it all was. It’s the TAPS dance.

TM: Mambo!

The Analysis

Hollywood, California – Henson Studios

Friday 9:05 AM

Steve interviews: “Tango and I are getting ready to read the evidence for the Henson studios. We have a lot of stuff to go through, a lot of mini-DVs, a lot of thermal footage, uh – we have a lot of DVR to go over and tons of audio to listen to.”

Steve in scene: “Um – I’ll take mini-DV and uh – wireless.”

Tango: “Okay. All right.”

They set to “work” for a brief interlude of silence.

Tango: “Steve. Yeah. Yeah, I found that spot.”

Steve: “Thermal?”

Tango: “Yeah. Right there.”

Steve: “That really does look like a woman.”

Tango: “It does.”

TM: I do think it’s Grant with a wig.

MB: Jason is taller.

TM: I don’t think Jason would wear a wig. But Grant totally would.

MB: You don’t suppose it’s Donna?

TM: No! Never!

Steve: “Which is interesting because there’s no reports of a woman apparition seen in the soundstage.”

MB: Except there were reports of women apparitions everywhere else, so big deal. Where does he think that woman was going when she went through the wall, fer crissakes?

TM: If they’re reversing the flow of time, I hesitate to speculate.

Interval.

Tango: “Hey, Steve.”

Steve: “Yes, Tango.”

Tango: “I found that spot.”

Steve: “Which one?”

Tango: “That Donna and I – with the ‘shush’.”

Steve: “Oh, nice. Seriously?”

Tango: “Yeah.” He hands head phones over.

Steve: “Okay. Oh, yeah. I heard that, Tango.”

Tango: “You heard that?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

MB: Remember how I’m always saying I find this inane sort of dialogue amusing?

TM: Mm.

MB: I think my sense of humor has filed for divorce.

TM: You’re probably up on cruelty charges.

The Findings

Hollywood California – Henson Studios

Friday 6:45 PM

TM: Well, they couldn’t have had that much evidence to go through if it only took two of them nine hours to go through, assuming they took a lunch break, and I assume they did.

MB: They don’t have to go through evidence anymore. They just make it up, so they know exactly where it is, right?

TM: That certainly would be more efficient.

Steve: “Hey, guys.”

Grant: “Guys, Jim Henson Studios – how cool was that?”

Tango: “Very cool.”

Steve: “Yeah, that was awesome.”

Jason, grinning in anticipation, since he already knows about Big Bird, of course: “So what’d we end up getting?”

Steve: “Um – one sound clip. This is from the Barn area.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Steve: “So I’ll play that for you.”

We hear a clip of a hiss.

Grant: “Sounds more like ‘psst.’”

Jason: “Something hmm – sounds hmm [spying?]. Yeah, it is.”

Steve: “Hmm, you know they do make a lot of puppets there and I bet a lot of the equipment they use might use hydraulics.”

Jason: “They all do.”

Steve: “That could be a little discharge or a little bleed-off or something possibly.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Jason: “All right, well – did we catch any – anything else?”

Steve: “Well, we looked over – uh – the thermal that – uh – “

Jason: “Yep.”

Steve: “You guys said that you thought you saw a female – um – apparition.”

TM:  Do you think Steve knows?

MB:  Eh, he always sounds like he can’t remember his lines.  I have no idea.  But if he doesn’t, he’s even denser than I thought.  Body!  Over 90 degrees Fahrenheit!

Grant: “The weird thing about this was just how – not necessarily the form but what happens to…”

Jason: “Right there.”

Grant: “You know, it just…”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Like just disappears.”

Steve: “Guys, I did some research on – on the Henson property and uh – on the history and a lot of the reports are of a female apparition being sighted by employees and patrons in the soundstage.”

MB: Quelle surprise!

TM:  Scherzate!

Grant: “Hmm. That’s nice. That’s a – that’s a spot of verification, you know?”

Jason: “All in all, we caught some good stuff. I think we were able to shoot down some stuff. All right, well – make us a copy of it and we’ll go show him. All right?”

Tango: “Will do.”

Steve: “All right.”

Grant: “Good job, you guys.”

Jason interviews: “I think the fact that Steve pulled up during research that a woman had been seen on the soundstage – uh – many times in the past is huge. I mean that helps solidify what we were able to catch on the thermal.”

The Reveal

Hollywood, California – Henson Studios

Saturday 4:25 PM

Grant: “What up, Johan? How you doin’?”

Johan: “Good, good. How you doin’?”

Jason: “Good to see you again, man.”

Johan is tapping the table top in front of him as if it is a pair of bongos.

Johan: “Glad to find out if you guys caught anything.” He is so damn happy.

MB:  I hate that they’re playing Johan.

TM:  He works around puppets.  He’s used to it.

Jason: Well, you know what we did. We came in, we listened to the claims of activity. Then we ended up setting up all our equipment and trying to capture some of that evidence that you guys have all experienced. There were a few personal experiences that were gathered that night. A couple of our members were in the Barn area in the back and – uh – they head a couple voices.”

Johan: “Really?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “And when Steve was in that area, too, he thought – he kept hearing footsteps around him or down at the further end of it.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Um – but we weren’t able to catch these on any kind of equipment to share with you.”

Johan: “Ah, that’s too bad.”

MB: Poor Johan is so disappointed.

TM: But wait, Johan! There’s more!

Jason: “There is one thing that we captured right here.”

Johan: “Really?”

Jason: “In this room.”

Grant: “We were in this room probably about five minutes and whammo.”

Jason: “Now watch.”

The clip of the ghost of Big Bird from 12:47 is played.

Johan: “Whoa. That’s just – amazing. That looks like a woman.”

Jason: “That’s exactly what we thought so we ended up trying to synch it up and lemme go a little forward and we’ll show ya.”

The clip from 10:15 of Jason, is played.

Jason: “Now this is me. As you can see, it’s pretty much lined up exactly the same.”

Now they’ve got the two clips on screen together. Surely Johan will notice that little problem with the time stamp, won’t he?

Jason: “We needed to move stairs over there and get myself three feet off the ground to match up to what we caught just prior.”

Nope, of course he doesn’t. Who can blame him? Why would the Ghost Hunters fake a ghost in a haunted building? Who in his right mind would ever suspect them of doing that?

TM: As opposed to faking a debunking in a haunted building, or faking a non-debunking in a haunted building, or not debunking a faking in a haunted building, or…

MB: ?

TM:  I think I’m done.

Johan: “Really?”

Grant: “If you look, the stairs are actually still over there.”

Jason: “Yeah, it’s a good piece of evidence.”

Johan: “Glad you guys got somethin’.”

TM:  Even if it is totally bogus!

MB:  Johan doesn’t know.

TM:  Oh, surely he’s figured it out by now.

Grant: “When we went on the tour with you, we were told about a female spirit out in the hallway and I think out in the – in the Barn area but no mention was made of anything really in here. We had one of our members, Steve, do some research and he found out that one of the major reports is of a woman walking around in the soundstage, which…”

To emphasize this incredible piece of hard-hitting investigation, the editors again show us the clip of Steve talking to some guy somewhere, presumably uncovering the astounding coincidence.

Johan: “Really?”

Grant: “Was a nice little point of verification.”

Jason: “That helps definitely solidify those claims.

MB: I should say something here, but really, it’s like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon.

TM: Trying to dam the Mississippi with Dixie cups.

MB: Trying to – oh, forget it. I’m spent.

Johan interviews: “It definitely proves to me that there’s somethin’ – somethin’ or someone – uh – hangin’ around here.”

Jason: “I have to agree with you.”

Johan: “I think more on the friendly side, too.”

Grant: ‘Yeah, I think comfort in the fact that this place has been around for so long and no one’s really had any negative run-ins with anything paranormal here. If at any time it does get out of control, give us a call.”

MB: Because that would be fab, although I think they may have burnt their bridge to the muppet empire here.

TM: Ghosts are such wusses. Grant prefers elementals.

MB: Jason loves demons.

TM: They’re really hoping business picks up with the Apocalypse.

Johan: “Oh, we will.”

TM: When hell freezes over.

Jason: “Oh, we’ll – we’ll be back in a heartbeat. Well, Johan – really wanna say thank you for havin’ us. You guys have been wonderful.”

Johan: “Oh, great. Thank you very much for comin’.”

Grant mumbles something inane.

Jason: “Not a problem. C’mon. Let’s get outta here.”

Johan: “All right.”

TM: They’re taking everyone to dinner out here. What are we having for lunch?

MB: Not fish enchiladas.

Johan interviews: “Oh, definitely TAPS has confirmed that there is some haunting or something happening here.”

In the car, Grant finds a surprise on his laptop computer!

Grant: “Hey, J. – I just got this in. Check this out.”

Jason: “Who is it?”

Grant: “It’s a video from Brian.”

Brian, on video: “Hey, everybody. Uh – sorry I couldn’t come to L.A. with everybody but I – uh – I wanna show you somebody. This right here is McKenzie Lee Harnois.”

Jason: “Ha ho. That’s awesome.”

Grant: “Oh my gosh, look at her.”

Brian: “This is the main reason why I didn’t go to L.A. with the gang. Family comes first and now I gotta wonderful little girl.”

Jason: “There’s no question that family first all the time.”

Grant: “Fair enough.”

On video, Brian talks baby talk and smooches baby McKenzie Lee Harnois.

Grant: “Fair enough. We’ll let it slide this time, Bri.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

TM: But next time, Bri…

MB: Jeezum crow. I’m exhausted. That was – how can something be totally outrageous and incredibly boring at the same time?

TM: It’s positively supernatural.

MB:  But Brian’s baby is cute.

TM:  Brian’s baby is cute.

MB:  And somewhere Perry Mason is rolling over in his fictional grave.

In which TAPS reveals the full extent of its esteem for its pathetic fans, by pretending to lower the temperature of a room, and using a blinky EMF detector as an electronic ouija board, and faking a ghost and a debunking of said ghost without even having the courtesy to try to be realistic and generally makes it crystal-ball clear they despise us, their audience gullible enough to watch them. Also, they can’t like themselves much anymore, and their shrink bills must be huge, if they went to shrinks, and I’m sure they don’t, but they should.

Tm: So, we’re having some fun then. A little irked, Mme. B?

MB: Moi?

TM: I assume there’s an ass in assent.

MB: There is.  More than one.

Okay, so this is another Talking Mongoose/Mme. Blahblatsky recarp of the infamous Episode 312 of the fantasy reality show Ghost Hunters, in which TAPS plays a battery-powered version of Twenty Questions in a house that is nearish but not really on the site of the ghastly Manson murders. Also, they invade the home of the Muppets. We would say things can’t get much more ridiculous than this episode, but we have seen the future, and we would be wrong.  This episode has probably been talked about enough, but we wanted to add our two cents.

TM:  Four cents.

MB:  Four cents?

TM: I am no penny-ante. Plus we need more to jam the K2 switch.

Disclosure: As always, I have worked my fingers to a nubbin to retrieve every last bit of tedious dialogue that belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc, who are perfectly aware that said dialogue is so not worth retrieving and have probably had a number of snorts over my idiotic efforts.

TM: There’s a theme here, I’m thinking.

MB: Alas, yes.

Episode 312

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads for the Hollywood hills to investigate the scene of the Manson family massacre. Has the spirit of the murdered actress Sharon Tate returned to the neighborhood? Then, TAPS takes center stage at the old Charlie Chaplin studios. Will the ghost of the former owner make a surprise appearance?”

Credits roll. Dave Tango is still in training, in the world’s longest apprentice program to learn absolutely nothing.

TM: You have to work at learning nothing. Things get by you without constant vigilance.

MB: He’s probably being forced to unlearn things.

TM: Like reason and logic.

MB: And grammar.

Jason and Grant are “plumbing.”

Grant: “All right, so.”

Jason: “She lost her wedding ring?”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So we’re gonna have to pull the trap system. Yeah.”

Grant is groveling under a sink. A phone rings.

TM: We haven’t seen the phone call while plumbing scene in ages. I missed it!

MB: I’d be more convinced if that ring came out with a giant hunk of hair.

Grant: “You got another call?”

Jason: “Yep. Hello?”

Donna, for it is Donna calling: “Hey, it’s Donna.”

Jason: “Hey, Donna. What’s up?”

Donna: “I have two great cases in Hollywood, California.”

Jason: “Hollywood, California.”

Grant squeaks: “What?”

Donna chortles: “Yeah.”

Jason smirks.

MB: He wants a star on Hollywood Boulevard, don’t you think?

TM: Judge Judy has one. He can dream. Heck, for $25,000, it’s his.

Donna: “And I’m just wondering when you guys are getting in.”

Grant: “Whoa whoa whoa!”

Jason: “Hang on.”

Grant: “Oh!” He triumphantly pulls the ring out of the pipe where it was previously placed for him to triumphantly pull out. “Aw! There you go.”

Jason: “Somebody’s gonna be really happy.” He laughs. “Give us about an hour.”

Donna: “See you then. Bye.”

And we are done with the plumbing for a while.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

Jason, Grant and Donna rendezvous at the office conference table for a conference.

Grant: “Hey, Donna.”

Jason: “What’s goin’ on?”

Donna: “Hey, fellas.”

Grant: “All right, hold on. California?”

Donna: “Hollywood, California. It is absolutely worth it. Two great cases that you cannot say not to. First one is the Jim Henson studio, which was the former Charlie Chaplin studio.”

TM: Have you ever noticed that Donna’s hair is always freshly done for these things?

MB: There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have clean hair.

TM: No – curly. Done.

MB: She is the Vanna White of Ghost Hunters.

TM: I prefer to think of her as Della Street.

MB: So Jason and Grant are Perry Mason and Paul Drake? But I loved them.

TM: I didn’t claim it was a perfect analogy.

Grant: “Like as in everything we ever grew up on?”

Donna: “Exactly.”

Jason: “Why do they want us there?”

Donna: “They want us there because there’s a lot of incidents – everybody that works there claims something has happened.”

Jason: “The Jim Henson studio.”

Grant: “That’s just an honor and an opportunity you don’t wanna turn down, you know?”

Donna: “Also I have a case. Do you remember the Manson murders?”

Jason: “Yeah. Sharon Tate and all that.”

MB: The Nutshell Award goes to Jason Hawes.

Donna: “Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring. The original house where the murders took place is no longer there.”

Grant: “Oh ho.”

Donna: “There is a house a few houses down from where they were murdered that the man who owns it claims that it is completely haunted by these murder victims, and he wants us to come out and see what’s going on. I mean, he’s had crazy things happen there. For instance, apparitions being sighted, footsteps coming up from nowhere, and I think it’s worth looking into.”

TM: You know what we’ve missed, Mme? They did a show about Titanic artifacts being haunted. In Georgia.

MB: What, like tea cups?  And were they?

TM: I guess. I don’t know.  I don’t watch such silly stuff.

MB: Like this?

TM: Oh, well…

Jason: “Yeah, it’s awesome. I’m psyched. Let’s set it up.”

Grant: “Thanks, Donna.”

Jason interviews: “Brian’s not going to be able to join us. He’s got some personal family issues that he really need to take care of and – uh – he’ll be missed but you know, we’ll make do without him.”

Brian interviews: “Well, I can’t be out there right now with the team because my fiance’s about ready to give birth, and I gotta make sure I’m home so that I can take care of her and the baby. I’m there with them in spirit so hopefully – uh – they’ll come back with some good evidence.”

MB: Personal family issues? Jason made it sound like someone was going into rehab, or dying.

TM: Perhaps he was just being very very literal.

MB: Puh. He’s not literate enough to be that literal.

TM: No remarks about Brian reproducing himself?

MB: Nope. Now if it were Grant…

The TAPS caravan has barreled across America while Brian was talking, tornadoing through Kansas and landing in the middle of Hollywood by night. We are not going shopping this time, though.

Jason interviews, reading cue cards: “On August 9^th, 1969, four members of the Charles Manson family cult invaded the home of Sharon Tate, a Hollywood starlet, brutally murdering her, her unborn baby, four other people including close friend jay Sebring. The murders were so gruesome that it made worldwide headlines.”

Grant interviews: “We could catch everything from full-body apparitions to sounds. We’ll have to be on our toes to try to figure this one out.”

MB: So are we to take it they are not always on their toes?

TM: No, I think we are to take it that they are not going to figure this one out.

MB: So, business as usual.

TM: Same old, same old.

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Saturday 5:35 PM

The three stooges knock on a door. It opens. “C’mon in,” says the overeager homeowner.

Jason: “Jason from TAPS.”

Grant: “Grant. We’re here to help.”

David Oman, homeowner: “Nice to meet you. C’mon in.”

David Oman, “homeowner” interviews: “The reason why I called TAPS was because after so many experiences in the house I definitely would like to get some type of proof that I’m not the only one that believes that the murder victims from Sharon Tate’s murder are actually visiting my house.”

MB: Because that would improve his life how?

TM: I’m so glad you asked. Look at who David Oman is.

MB: He made a movie? With his dog Sebastian?

TM: It’s Hollywood. I like the sounds of his barbecue video better.

MB: Oh, for crissakes. Well, that explains a lot.

TM: Frank Noir is in it! Although nobody seems to have seen it.

Jason: “Beautiful house.”

David Oman: “Thank you very much. My father and I built this house, finished it four years ago.”

It’s completely hideous, like a short motel built on the side of a steep hill.

TM: It is stunningly awful, isn’t it? But don’t worry. It will fall off that hill soon enough. A few fires and mudslides and it’s going to have frontage on Sunset Boulevard.

Grant: “I can’t imagine building this place – on a hillside? It’s a little rough.”

Oman, because that name suits him: “Well, we are, as a matter of fact – we’re about two hundred feet from where the infamous Sharon Tate murder took place at the hands of Charles Manson and his family.”

Grant: “Yeah, we heard.”

TM: As if TAPS would be here otherwise. Hey, you don’t suppose Oman built this house hoping to have ghosts move in, do you?

MB: That would be…

TM: Diabolical! I vote yes. He probably started the screenplay before the house.

MB: But ghosts don’t just move in. Or at least, you can’t count on it.

TM: You don’t have to, silly.

Oman: “Ever since I started building here we’ve had nothing but strange strange things happen. During construction about six months before we were done, I assembled all of my laborers and I said to them I said ‘Tell me, have you guys had any weird experiences in the house during construction? And one of the guys said ‘Yeah, I’m working on the third level and I heard voices and footsteps coming down the staircase.’ He said they got louder and louder and then they just stopped and then all of a sudden this cold breeze came across his shoulders. He just took off. He took off, man – didn’t come back for six weeks.”

Grant: “Jeez.”

TM: Now wait just a minute. If he took off, how was he there to tell the story? Or is he saying hey – remember when I was gone for six weeks? But now I’m back and it’s cool.

MB: His laborers. I thought you’d pick up on that one.

TM: I’m getting to that. Who calls people “my laborers?”

MB: David Oman!

Oman: “And since then I’ve had people that have been in the house that have told me different experiences that they’ve had before they even knew where they were.”

Jeff Mandel, witness: “I was standing over in the corner by myself, and all of a sudden I heard footsteps. I went out there to see what it was and as I stepped out, I heard these very distinct footsteps – uh – leather-soled shoes on the wood floor cross the room, go up the steps into the dining room and then they disappeared.”

MB: Leather-soled shoes on a new floor – how do they do that?

TM: It’s demons. It was hooves.

Jason: “Okay, where to now then?”

Oman: “Let’s go down to – uh – the second level, and this is the master bedroom where I’ve had a lot of personal experiences with some of the spirit activity in the house. Right here I was lying down, I put my head on the pillow, and I turned. My eyes went right to that spot and I see a guy standing there. He’s got his left hand extended . He’s – from the waist up he’s turning pointing toward the driveway and then poof, disappears.”

Jason: “Did he look the least bit familiar to you?”

Oman: “He didn’t look familiar to me until three months later when I was doing some research at the LAPD trying to find out about the murders and I come across this picture of Jay Sebring. I said oh, my god – that’s him.”

TM: How convenient! Who’d have thought?

MB: Who else could it be?

TM: If you write the screenplay, they will come.

Jason: “All right, so that’s pretty much it?”

Oman: “That’s pretty much it in this room, yeah.”

Jason: “All right, where next?”

Oman: “So now we’re going down to the third level to the most active part of the house. Now this is the infamous guest bedroom where we’ve had – I can’t even tell you how many experiences in this room.”

TM: Okay, I have a theory. Ghosts must collect at the bottom, like cold air, or coffee grounds.

MB: That’s stupid. Only…hmm.  I might have to consider that.

Lisa Rigsbee, witness: “One night I woke up to footsteps in the room. Then I felt someone sit on the bed. So I shot up and looked and the corner of the bed was pushed down. It was definitely weight there. There was no one there.”

Jason: “So is that everything?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

Jason: “Well, what we’re gonna do from here is we’re gonna end up setting up equipment through the whole house and uh – just start investigating, see what we can catch.”

Oman: “Sounds great. Thank you very much.”

Oman interviews: “I don’t know what TAPS is gonna find. I think they’re gonna be quite surprised and impressed with the phenomena that exists here in my home.”

MB: He looks just like Grant.

TM: It’s the twisted grin.

MB: He’s also quite sure of his ghosts.

TM: He’s their agent.

Jason: “He’s got a lot of pretty substantial claims of paranormal activity going on here. Everything from shadows to full-body apparitions, so when it comes down to getting evidence for the homeowner, I can just hope that we’re able to gather something to help solidify his claims.”

TM: Which he will then use as collateral to bankroll his production of House at the End of the Drive: The Night of the Warwick Warlocks.

Steve, Donna and Tango are unrolling extension cords.

Grant interviews: “There’s a lotta stigma attached to the Manson murders. We really wanna try to overcome that and try and figure out what’s really happening.”

TM: Yeah, well, wait until the stigma of being investigated by TAPS gets rolling.

MB: I don’t think the weasel means stigma, by stigma.

TM: Oh. Right. Never mind.

Out at Command Central, which is the van, Tech Manager Steve is managing.

Steve: “All right – uh – that’s fine.”

Jason: “Everything good?”

Steve: “Yeah, we got all the cables up. Everything’s rolling. This is, of course – uh – the master bedroom. Uh – this here is that lower room. We got another shot of the stairs so we can catch the bottom two tiers, and uh – here we have the bedroom, so that’s it.”

The camera monitor screen announces that it is 11/11/2006 at 2:56:35.

Jason: “All right. Awesome. Let’s get the lights out and – uh – start investigating.”

MB: It’s nice that ghosts never do anything before TAPS “starts investigating.”

TM: It would be so awkward if the ghosts showed up during equipment set-up. Because that’s when Jason and Grant are out at the snack table.

There is an interruption to the side, which is greeted. A new actor is joining the troupe. “Hey, there he is!” “What’s going on, man?”

Grant interviews: “Chris Fleming is a great friend of both J. and I. He investigates a little bit differently. He brings in different equipment. We really just felt like this was the perfect case for Chris to come in and work with him again.”

Grant in scene: “We’re just about to head in and turn off all the lights, so perfect timing.”

Chris Fleming, investigator, interviews: “When Jason and Grant called me about this place, I was very excited. I figured this’d be a great chance for me to work with the K2 meter – uh – which basically can pick up any type of electromagnetic disturbances.”

TM: At last, we’ve arrived! The infamous K2 I’ve been promising you for ages.

MB: I’m riveted.

TM: Yeah, well, that will probably cause a false positive, so cool it.

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

Steve: “Okay, guys. All right.”

The lights are murdered.

Guest Bedroom 8:47 PM

Steve: “What’ve you got there, EMF?”

Dave Tango is walking backward staring at his EMF meter.

Tango: “Yeah. Getting a weird reading over here. There’s a spike and then…”

Grant interviews: “An EMF meter is designed to detect electromagnetic fields. The higher the number, the more intense the electromagnetic field is, and the more intense the field is, the more potential there is for some paranormal activity.”

TM: Which is why ghosts cluster around electrical outlets.

MB: You don’t suppose that’s why they like light switches?

TM: Let’s add that theory to the one about ghosts as coffee grounds. We can write a book!

Tango: “To 2. It slowly went down and not it’s just point one.”

Steve interviews: “Tango and I were investigating the guest bedroom. We were getting’ a spike on the EMF gauge.”

Steve in scene: “Is there anybody in here with us?”

Tango: “It’s at zero. 1.7. 2.3. And it goes back down. Can you come near me? Oick. 1.8. Look at this – look look look look look. Where’s it coming from?”

Steve: “I don’t know. Do whatever it is you need to do to move something, make a noise, let us know you’re here, or else we’re just not gonna think you’re here. We’re not gonna think you can do anything.”

Tango’s eyebrows go up, as they both look at the window.

Steve interviews: I was asking for a sign of some sort of presence and the blinds started to move a little bit.”

Steve in scene: “You see?”

Tango: “Yeah, I see it. Did that just start doin’ that?”

Steve: “There’s no breeze back here whatsoever.”

Steve interviews: “We tried to find anything that would cause these blinds to move and – uh – we weren’t able to find anything . We’re not really sure what it could have been.”

TM: Well, obviously, it was ghosts.

MB: If I’m reduced to rattling blinds to communicate when I’m dead, I’m going to be so pissed.

TM: I wouldn’t mind snapping shades.

Living Room 9:20 PM

Jason, Grant and Chris are having a séance!

Chris: “Can you give us a real concrete sign you’re here?”

Chris is holding a small meter with blinking lights, and sweeping his hand around in front of him.

Jason: “Come over here. Feel this.”

Grant is sitting on a sofa holding the FLIR. It’s registering 74.5.

Chris: “Ooh. There’s a difference in…”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Chris: “Density, something.”

They are moving their hands over a chair, as if conjuring.

Jason: “I don’t know what to call that.”

Chris: “It seems dry over here, though. Uhh …”

Jason plops himself in the chair.

MB: That will get its attention.

TM: Ouch.

Chris: “Can you manifest? Can you move an object? Can you throw something? C’mon. We need something concrete.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Chris: “C’mon, this is…”

A loud noise.

Chris: “What was that?”

Grant: “Hello?”

The Investigation

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Saturday 9:20 PM

We have to listen to Chris’s dumb questions again, because Pilgrim thinks its viewers’ shot-term memories are seriously compromised.  Also, they probably need filler. The FLIR says it’s 11/12 and 1:09:31, not 9:20, but whatever.  We don’t care.

The noise repeats.

Grant interviews: “We were sitting in the living room on the top floor and then we heard this loud bang from the kitchen.”

Grant in scene: “If we go into the fridge right now, we can see if the ice maker is doing something.”

They all troop out to the kitchen.

Jason: “Yeah, I can show you how to check it. Is it – did it refill?”

MB: Jason thinks Grant doesn’t know how an ice maker works.

TM: Maybe he doesn’t. It’s not like he’s a plumber.

Grant: “No, it’s frozen together.”

TM: But he’s been studying up.

Grant interviews: “I opened up the freezer and inspected the ice to find that it was all actually frozen together and there was no fresh ice in it, so we knew it wasn’t that.”

Grant in scene: “Look for anything that’s out of place.”

Chris, to himself: “No, that’s rubber.”

Jason interviews: “The noise came from in that kitchen, but what it came from, we have no idea.”

TM: It was time-traveling ice.

MB: TAPS driving the ghosts to drink.

TM: Drinking ghosts of the future, because I still don’t believe ghosts act like squatters.

Jason in scene: “Whyn’t you bust out your K2 and we’ll start askin’ questions.”

Master Bedroom 10:05 PM

Grant interviews: “The K2 meter measures magnetic fields and it’s been specially calibrated for paranormal investigations. The theory behind the K2 meter is that if there’s a spirit in the area, the K2 meter will pick up its magnetic field. Now you can then train the spirit supposedly to intensify its magnetic field therefore lighting up the lights on the meter.”

MB: “Training” ghosts – what’s next?

TM: Next, they will be offering ghosts on-line degree programs. If they can train ghosts to use filched credit cards, Jason can get himself that star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Chris: “You can communicate with us through this device by yes or no answers. You can make it jump up quickly twice for yes, once for no.”

MB: And next, Grant will go into a cabinet and pull cheesecloth ectoplasm from various bodily orifices.

TM: OMG – now I’m seeing that.  Thanks a lot.

MB: I thought TAPS believed ouija boards were the gates to hell.

TM: Gates of hell don’t run on batteries.

Jason: “Chris wanted to ask the spirits to pass in front of the K2 meter, making this meter light up.”

Chris: “Look at this. Look at this. Are you getting this?”

The K2 meter, held by Grant, is flashing like a Vegas strip joint.

Chris: “Okay, come forward please and cause it to go off again. Make it go crazy, all excited like. What’s this in here?”

He leans over to prod something on the table nearby.

Grant: “That’s recording…”

TM: Well, if that’s a recorder, the K2 must be picking up that, although frankly, I think it’s just Grant pushing the button, because look – it’s doing the power up and down flash. You need to watch this video, Mme.

MB: Pft. I’d believe a Ouija Board over Grant, any day.

TM: Ouija Boards don’t believe in grosts.

MB: Ghants.

TM: Neither one. Two portals to the same hell.

Chris: “Uh – here we go.” The light is flashing again.. “There we go.”

Grant: “There it is.”

Chris: “It’s back.”

Grant: “Let’s see how long it – J., what are you doing? Sending vibes over here?”

Jason: “I’m not. I’m just – you can feel almost a coolness in the air.”

Jason and Chris are waving their hands in the air in front of the K2 meter held by Grant.

Chris: “Yeah.”

Jason interviews: “Grant and Chris and myself were in the master bedroom and we started experiencing cold spots. Some paranormal investigators believe that cold spots are indications of spirits’ presence [from them?] drawing in the energy in the air around to try to manifest themselves, and during experiencing those the K2 meter started going haywire.”

Grant: “There’s gotta be something normal about that.”

TM: Okay, so the weasel doesn’t always fib all the time.

Jason: “Do you think there’s a problem with the battery in it? Or something?”

Chris: “I put a brand-new one in.”

Jason interviews: “I asked Chris if maybe the batteries were – were getting low or if there was a problem with them and – uh – we decided that we’re gonna head out and change the batteries just to see if that was the issue.”

TM: That means it’s snack time. Or cigarette break. You know, it’s been a long time since we saw someone light up.

MB: It’s important that TAPS set a good example for America’s youth, I guess.

TM: It’s not like fibbing damages your lungs.

Living Room 10:20 PM

Steve: “Uh – we’re in this living room. The original stories are – uh – noises, footsteps, shadows.:

Donna: “What say we do some EVP work in here?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Donna: “If there’s somebody here, could you let us know your name?”

TM: But only if you’re a famous murder victim.

Steve interviews: “EVP stands for electronic voice phenomena, a sound or a voice that imprints on a recording device, in this case a digital recorder.”

Steve in scene: “Is anybody here with us? Can you make a noise?”

Donna: “We just wanna communicate and – uh – hear what you have to say.”

Steve: Are you in fact the people that were murdered?”

Donna: “Are you angry about what happened? Are you upset with Charles Manson?”

MB: Oh, Donna.

TM: And what would you ask?

MB: Leading the witness is never useful. She might as well ask if they’re upset with health care reform.

TM: They probably are.

MB: There you go. If stupid questions are to be asked, at least they should be useful stupid questions. Like, why are you in this ghastly house?

TM: And thumbs up or down on the movie? And why can’t you haunt somebody classier, like Scorsese?

Jason interviews: “After changing the batteries we headed back to the bottom floor of the house.”

Guest Bedroom 11:14 PM

Chris: “You wanna hold this?” He hands the K2 meter to Jason.

Jason: “Yeah, okay, that’s fine.”

Chris: “Please come forward in front of this device and cause it to spike. Two spikes means yes, one means no. Are you a male? Two for yes, one for no.”

The K2 meter obediently blinks twice.

Chris: “There we go. Two for yes. It’s male. Are there more of you here? Yes or not? Yes. Are you one of the people that was murdered? From the house that used to exist… Before I finished, it said yes. Who’s one of the males that died?”

Jason: “Jay Sebring.”

Chris: “Is your name Jay Sebring? Yes or no? Two for yes, one for no. Yes.”

Grant: “Yes, Jay Sebring.”

TM: Yeah, they just don’t want to try to say Wojciech Frykowski.

MB: I don’t suppose we’ll hear any mention of the fact that ouija boards lie all the time.

TM: We do not.

Chris: “Is one of the females that haunts this house Sharon Tate? Yes.”

MB: This is not only silly, it’s kind of tasteless.

TM: The “t” in TAPS does not stand for taste.

Jason interviews: “We started getting spikes in the K2 meter as Chris was asking some pretty personal questions and it was – it was kind of startling to start seeing this meter answer yes or no through the amount of blinks.”

MB: For a guy in reality television, Jason’s got a strange view of what personal questions are.

Chris: “Let’s move up to the next level.”

Jason: “You wanna go up a level? Absolutely. How do you think that spirits are able to manipulate this thing?”

Chris: “The theory is that since they are energy and not matter, and this measures energy, coming in close proximity can cause this to go off.”

TM: Hence, Geiger counters. Hey, where are the Geiger counters?

MB: I think they’ve gone the way of the night vision goggles.

Master Bedroom 12:45 AM

Jason: “There is definitely a heavy feeling when you get into this room.”

Chris: I’m gonna try something. All right, everybody just try not to move at all. Can you please come back into this room with us? Please respond. Yes. Okay. Who killed you? Who murdered you? Who was this person that did this to you?”

Grant is holding the K2 meter, which flashes aimlessly. Bet they’re sorry they don’t have ouija board now.

TM: Yeah, because there are only so many yes-no questions you can ask before you start getting bored.

Chris: “Are you still here?” [flash] Yes. You don’t get a chance to talk to people like this, do you? No. It’s – see, it’s like using a weejee board but no one can push it. You know what I mean?”

Grant: “Yeah, you’re not asking for – it’s yes or no.”

Chris: “Right.”

Grant: “You can’t [?]”

Chris: “Did Dave bring out a weejee board once before? Yes. Have you ever played with a weejee board before? Yes or no? Yes.”

MB: “Played with a weejee board” is an interesting turn of phrase.

TM: Ol’ Chris is a psychic. He doesn’t need any weejee boards. He’s only using a K2 so he can be on Ghost Hunters. Although I still haven’t figured out why he wants to be on Ghost Hunters using a K2 meter.

Jason interviews: “We experienced some cold spots again, and the K2 meter started acting up again, so it definitely appears that it wasn’t the batteries. Um – it appears something else was goin’ on.”

Guest Bedroom 9 hours into investigation

Dave Tango has joined the séance group.

Chris: “This is Dave. Will you please show him that you can affect this device and you can communicate to us through it?”

Tango is holding the blinky K2.

Chris: “Yes, okay, good.”

Tango: “Whoo.”

Grant: “Isn’t that crazy, Dave?”

Tango: “Wow.”

Chris: “Can you drop the temperature in the room, yes or no? Yes. Okay.”

Jason: “We’re at 66.4 right now.”

Chris: “Okay, 66.4. If the temperature in this room in front of this device that’s Jason’s holding is 66, can you make it drop down to 62? Prove to them that you are here by dropping the temperature to 62.

A small interval of silence. Very small.

Chris: “I’m feeling it getting colder and colder and colder in front of me.”

We are shown the FLIR screen saying it’s 11/12/06 at 2:43:43 and the temperature is 65.4.

Grant: “65.6.”

Jason: “That was weird.”

Grant: “65.6.”

Chris: “Drop the temperature. What do you got now? Controlled reading.”

Jason: “64. 65. Yeah.”

Chris: “We got 64. You need to have it go to 62. Bring it to 62. I know you can do this.”

Jason: “64.1”

Grant: “Yep.”

Chris: “62. Bring it to 62.”

Jason: “63.9. 63.7”

Jason interviews: “To my amazement, it started goin’ down.”

MB. Oh, for god’s sake. As if.

TM: Yeah, this is all hooey. Jason is bald-faced prevaricating.

MB: I don’t understand why they even tried, it’s so ridiculous. It’s like the Fiji mermaid.

TM: It’s not that good.

Jason in scene: “63.1. 63.”

Chris: “62.”

Grant: “63.7”

Chris: “62. Bring it to 62. I want 62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.9. 62.9.”

Chris: “62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.4 I’m stuck at.”

The Investigation Hollywood, California

Manson Murders Sunday 2:43 AM

Guest Bedroom 9 hours into investigation

We hear Chris again.

Jason interviews: “Chris, Grant and myself were all downstairs and Chris decided that he wanted to try to see if the spirit could lower the temperature in the room.”

Chris: “ I want 62 point zero.”

Jason: “62.9. 62.8.”

Chris: “Keep going. Cold spot.”

Jason: 62.4 I’m stuck at.”

Jason interviews: “To my amazement, it started goin’ down.”

Chris: Bring it to 62.”

Jason: “62.3. 62.1”

Chris: “Make it drop down to 62.”

Jason: “62.”

Chris slaps hand: “Oh!”

Grant cackles.

Chris: “62!”

Jason interviews: “Finally we got down to 62 degrees. It was a pretty big shock because the whole room didn’t change temperature, just in front of the thermometer is where it happened.”

MB: I wonder if they’ve bought into the idea that they’re “entertainment.”

TM: So this is a big goof, you mean?

MB: Nah. That would require a sense of irony. I guess not.

TM:  It is entertaining, in a backwards kind of way.  Look at you and your transcripts!

MB:  What’s wrong with us?

TM:  Us?

Jason in scene: “I’m going back up.”

Jason interviews: “And at that point the temperature started raising back up to the normal temperature of the room.”

Living Room 3:30 AM

Steve: “EMF is pretty flat – point 1, point 2, point 3, point 1, point 2.”

Tango: “You want to do some EVP work in here? Can you tell us your name?”

Steve: “Point 2.”

Tango: “Make your presence known right now.”

Steve: “All we want to do is document your presence.”

Jason on radio: “All right, guys. It’s gettin’ late. You know – it’s time to wrap it up.”

Jason interviews: “Tonight we found everything from high EMF to sounds coming from all different areas of the home. I’m really lookin’ forward to starting to look at it and really try to break it down and see what we caught.”

TM: Everything from high EMF to sounds – whoo!

MB: No mention of the temperature drop to order?

TM: Well, they haven’t done post-production on that one yet, so it’s probably prudent not to mention it.

Grant interviews: “We still have a lot of video and audio evidence to go over. Um – hopefully we have something that proves it one way or the other.”

Jason: “Hey, Dave.”

Oman: “Hey, Jason. How are ya?”

Jason: “Good. Well, we’re pretty much all wrapped up.”

Grant: “We’re ready to get out of here, man.”

Jason: “So what we’re gonna do in the next few days is go over the evidence we’ve gathered and come back, sit down with you and let you know what we found, what we didn’t find, and take it from there.”

Oman: “Well, again, I wanna say thank you both and your whole team for coming out here and investigating the house. I really appreciate it.”

Jason: “Hey, thanks for havin’ us out, man.”

Oman: “My pleasure. Take care of yourselves.”

Grant: “Okay, and get some sleep, all right?”

Oman: “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

TM: You know, America’s Next Top Model is way more intellectual than Ghost Hunters.

MB: Oh, pshaw.

TM: No, really.

Oman interviews: “It would definitely be a sense of confirmation if TAPS comes back and can show me some interesting evidence of paranormal activity in the house.”

MB: Because if TAPS says so, it must be true, and he hasn’t known it was true before because he had only himself and his friends and laborers to confirm it. Oh, Oman. Do you suppose he knows they were fabricating all that stuff?

TM: We’re in Hollywood. He may not know, but he can hope.

The Analysis

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Monday 9:00 AM

They’re at the Holiday Inn, which must have given them a discount.

Steve: “All right, Tango. Uh – Cielo Drive?”

Tango: “Yep.”

Steve: “We’re gonna review all this stuff? I’ll start with wireless audio. You wanna start with digital audio?”

Tango: “Okay, will do.” Tiny time lapse. “Mm. Oh, wow. Wow wow. Steve, I got somethin’ pretty – pretty crazy.”

The Findings

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Monday 10:45 PM

Jason: “All right, guys.”

Tango: “All right.”

Steve: “All right, I got you the Cielo house.”

Jason: “Yep.”

Steve: “Cielo Drive.”

Grant: “What a place, huh?”

Jason: “A little strange bein’ right next to the Manson murders.”

Tango: “Ah, it’s a creepy feeling.”

MB:  They still haven’t crushed the humanity out of Tango.

TM:  That’s why he’s still “in training.”

Jason: “A lot of us had personal experiences that night.”

Grant: “Well, I remember one point in the night we heard a noise from the kitchen area.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “And we couldn’t figure out what it was.”

Jason: “What about you guys?”

Steve: “There was one time when we were in the –uh – that bedroom in the basement area.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Steve: “And uh – a section of blinds started to move.”

Tango: “Right.”

Steve: “And it was just as…”

Tango: “You asked for a sign.”

Steve: “Right. I asked for a sign. It was just a certain section of blinds. Nobody was standing next to them. Nobody walked by.”

Tango: “Yeah. No drafts anywhere.”

Steve: “No drafts. It was just like five or six of them just kinda goin’ like this.” He waves his hands a lot more than the blinds moved. We do have three audio clips.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Steve: “That are pretty cool.”

Grant: “Sweet.”

Jason: “Well, let’s listen to ‘em.”

MB:  Because we’re not going anywhere with those blinds.  Pft.

TM:   Poor Steve.  He never gets the good stuff.

Steve: “I’ll let you hear the first one here.”

He plays a clip of Donna asking if whoever it is, is angry at Charles Manson. There are peeping sounds, like that of a small girl.

Steve: “And this was happening while Donna and I were investigating that living area upstairs and – uh – we never heard that.”

Grant: “Yeah, it sounds like ‘take take” – like it’s trying to come through and then –phumf.”

Tango: “Wow. Oh, yeah – take.”

The clip is played again.

Tango: “The lie, maybe?”

Steve: “Take me to the lights?”

TM: Someone’s been watching Poltergeist.

Jason: “That’s strange. Okay.”

Steve: “Here’s another one, and that also comes from where Donna and I were investigating in that living area. Still a woman’s voice, I think, but – uh – different tone.

We hear a clip of extended squeaking.

Grant: “Holy crap! Freaky.”

Jason: “I can’t make out what it’s saying.”

Grant: “Sounds like completely desperate.”

Tango: “That’s creepy.”

MB: It is creepy.

TM: Too bad they’ve got it in an episode where they’re faking everything.

MB: It doesn’t help.

Grant: “Why are you something – sounds like to me.”

Tango: “The opening would could like they’re in distress, though you know they – like they’re not comfortable.”

Jason: “It was an interesting case with one of the most morbid histories I think we’ve ever dealt with.”

Steve: “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.”

Jason: “Make us copies of this. Let’s – let’s go talk to Dave.”

Tango: “Will do.”

Steve: Okay, guys.”

Jason: “All right?” He slaps Grant on the back. All right, guys. Catch you later.”

Steve: “See you later.”

Jason: “Thanks, guys.”

The Reveal

Hollywood, California – Manson Murders

Tuesday 12:25 PM

Grant: “Dave.”

Oman: “It’s nice to see you again. Jason – nice to see you again, too.”

Jason: “How are you?”

Oman: “Fine. Well, dying to hear what’s going on, so to speak.” He laughs.

Grant: “Well, as you know we came here to hear your stories and try to find out what the heck is going on. Now there are a few factors we kept in mind the whole time, and that was of course the brutal murders that happened at the end of the road.”

Jason: “Bunch of us had our own personal experiences and there were a few things that were caught.”

MB: But what are the other “few factors?”

TM: David Oman’s connections to the next incarnation of Hollywood Squares. Oh, and the bit parts they’re going to get in the sequel to The House at the End of the Drive.

Grant: “We were actually sitting in this upper living room here and we need your help so if you listen close.”

Oman: “Sure.”

Jason: “Just let us know if you hear this noise often or whatever.”

The clip with the noise that sounds like an ice machine is played.

Oman: “The ice maker is – matter of fact is broken.”

Grant: “That’s what we surmised ‘cause as soon as we went in there and looked at the ice in the ice tray, it was all frozen together.”

Jason: “We just could not figure out where it – where it came from.”

Oman, grinning: “The ice maker doesn’t work at all.”

Jason: “Good.”

TM: It’s the ghost of the ice maker! We were close.

Grant: “Chris had brought this EMF detector called a K2 meter – uh – which he feels he can use to communicate with the spirits and make them flash it twice for yes or once for no.”

Jason: “Actually, while we were downstairs, Chris was tryin’ to ask some questions. We had the K2 meter going. Now have you ever used the weejee board or done séances in the home?”

Oman: “Yes, as a matter of fact I have.”

Jason: “Listen. Go ahead.”

The Chris ouija questioning is played again.

Oman, laughing: “God. No way. As a matter of fact, I have been told not to use the weejee board because it has a tendency or it is believed that it can open up a portal to the other side.”

Grant: “We’ve never seen anything good come out of the use of a ouija board.” [he calls it weejee, too]

MB: Hunh. And the K2 is different how?

TM: In fairness, the K2 is less likely to tell you Lucifer is demanding the sacrifice of your uncle Henry.  Well, it could, but you’d kind of have to be thinking about it already.

Oman nods.

Grant: “Ready for more chills?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

The idiotic Jay Sebring and Sharon Tate questions are played. Oman is mugging extreme disbelief.

Oman: “You gotta be kidding me. Holy moly.” [more mugging] From all the questions I’ve ever had about if it’s Sharon, if it’s not Sharon who is it – this to me in confirmation that Jay Sebring and Sharon Tate are haunting this house.”

Jason: “It’s really tough to ever put it a name with any activity that you catch unless you’re a hundred percent sure it’s that person.”

MB:  What?

TM:  You can’t name anything unless you already know the name.  He was perfectly clear.

Jason:  “One other thing – downstairs in the very bottom floor in the – uh – bedroom, Chris decided he wanted to try to make contact with the spirits and see if they could actually lower the temperature of the room. He was asking them to drop it down to – 62 degrees?”

Grant: “Yes.”

Jason: “And the average temperature in the room was about 69 degrees and uh – surprisingly it – it went down. It – it slowly but surely went all the way down to 62 degrees. [Oman is mugging throughout this surprisingly brief account] It – yeah, we’ve got a couple audio clips we’d really like you to hear.”

TM: Yeah – see – they’re still in post-production. It takes a while to fiddle with those numbers.

MB: That FLIR really has come in handy, hasn’t it?

TM: We skipped over the thermal capture of goblins chasing them through the Irish woods, you know. We really should go back.

MB: Let’s not and say we did. Although I do like goblins.

TM: Well, it might have been sheep.

Oman: “Please. I’m – I’m very curious to listen.”

Jason: “You have heard voices and so forth in the home.”

Oman nods vigorously and eye rolls.

Jason: “Well, good. Then you can listen to these and you can let us know if they sound the least bit familiar to you.”

Oman: “Oh, yeah, please.”

Grant: “All right, here we go. You ready?”

The “take” squeaks are played.

Oman: “Holy sh___!”

Grant laughs.

Oman: “Uhh – I’ll just say that no, I have never heard that sound ever, in my entire life. Yeah.”

Grant: “EVPs are not the most comfortable thing to listen to.”

Oman: “Yeah. That’s just – whoo.”

Grant: “You ready?”

Oman: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Any idea, any guesses as to what it is saying?”

Oman: “I – it’s – it’s – it’s something – it’s – uh – it’s – uh – something or other that I hear definitely – it’s – that’s weird. That is very very interesting.”

TM: In other words, no. He has no idea.

MB:  And yet, he is so sure he does.

Grant: “Well, that’s not the last of it.”

The other clip is played.

Grant: “Yeah, that one sounds like it’s in complete despair.”

Oman: “Personally, I – I – I have to strongly say I’m not much of a believer in EVPs but hearing that, I am just dead curious as to what the hell that is.”

Grant: “Any guesses as to what it’s saying?”

Oman: “The first words I hear is why…did…why do I have so much… that really just takes me to another level of going – okay.”

Jason: “Well, but you’ve had a bunch of experiences.”

Oman: “Yeah, but it’s one thing to be able to say all right, I saw a ghost. All right, you saw it. It’s an intermittent incident. But this – it’s confirmation. It means this is actually here. It’s really happening. It’s not just my imagination. It’s a little bit more – real now.”

MB: Be careful what you wish for! I hope he had some whacking big nightmares after this.

TM: That’s kind of mean.

MB: He deserves worse. It’s too bad ghosts don’t throttle people except in the movies.

Jason: “God only knows with the area – you know – we did a lotta research on this entire area and – uh – lemme tell ya, you got a different kind of neighborhood. You got people who have killed themselves, and people who’ve been killed and everybody from George Reeves who you know took his own life right down the road. So…”

Grant: “The native American bodies were found all over the place here and…”

Jason: “Yeah.”

TM: Oh, so now it’s not the Manson murders anymore, but anybody and his uncle.

MB: And yet, the title remains the same.

TM: Anybody and His Uncle Murders does not have the same ring.

Grant: “And we still don’t know quite what’s goin’ on but you gotta understand one thing is that just because you can hear it now, it doesn’t mean that there’s anymore of a threat level or anything…”

Oman: “Oh, no.”

Grant: “To be afraid of or anything like that.”

Jason: “We – we caught a few good things over here so – there definitely seems to be some sort of paranormal activity going on and we really wanted to say thank you for having us out here.”

Oman: “Ah, Jason. Thank you very much.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Oman: “Grant. It’s been a pleasure.”

Jason: “Awesome. Well, let’s get outta here. C’mon.”

Oman, who must be going out to dinner with the guys for a little lighthearted post-séance evening and has forgotten he’s supposed to be pretending to bid them adieu: “Yeah, let’s go.”

Oman interviews: “Well, after hearing the EVPs, I have to say I’m a little bit floored to say the least with what I heard. I think that this has been a very validating experience and corroborates my suspicions and beliefs that this house is haunted.”

MB: And I’ve been on national television.

TM: Well, only cable, but yeah! If that isn’t validating…

Jason, in car: “I think – uh – those EVPs definitely caught him off guard.”

Grant: “They really did. Uh – as soon as he heard the things it seemed to really just unravel him.”

Jason: “Well, wanting and getting verifiable proof is something totally different, you know? Well, all in all, a good job.”

Grant: “Excellent job.”

They fist bump.

Grant: ‘That was a wild ride. Heh.”

Jason: “Yeah. On to the next.”

To be continued

MB: That ride was about as wild as Mr. Toad’s at Disneyland.

TM: The one with Hell at the end?

MB: Well, take out that part.

TM:  I’d leave it in.  All that hot air.

The luck of the Irish ran out in 2006 with an invasion from the west, in the form of our fake plumbers from Warwick. Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp Ghost Hunters episode 306, The Attack of the Irish Elemental. Whether the TAPS guys actually know what an elemental is, we honestly can’t tell you.

Talking Mongoose Spoiler: this is a Landmark Episode not because it marks the start of the scary amoeba-like splitting of this bizarre franchise, but because they have given up on the stationary camera, the one thing that was supposed to provide “proof” of the existence of ghosts. This is terribly disappointing.

MB: You’re not disappointed at all.

TM: Nope.

Disclaimer: All dialogue quoted belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who are still, three seasons on, too embarrassed to send it out for captioning so Mme. Blahblatsky is still exposing herself to severe brain damage doing the transcribing. It is a good thing she is amused by very little.

MB: You know there’s no way I’d be doing this otherwise, don’t you?

TM: I do.

MB: Because really, this is an insane thing to do.

TM:  It’s a good thing you have all  your shots.

Narrator: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to Ireland for their first overseas investigation at Leap Castle…

Brian, in car, is shouting “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?

Narrator: “reportedly one of the most haunted places in the world.”

Jason is saying something about a murderous elemental and Tango seems to be about to jump out of his skin.

Narrator: “As the team come face to face with the demonic entity that lurks on these grounds.”

Brian is either trying to trap something, or avoid it, by closing a door.

Narrator: “Then, who becomes the target of a vicious attack?”

There are cries of “Oof!” and “Aw!” and “Dude!”

TM: I’m guessing it’s one of the Three Stooges.

The old credits roll: Steve, Donna, Brian, Dustin. Dave Tango is still an investigator-in-training. TAPS must have incorporated as a medieval guild.

TM: That’s got to be unconstitutional.

MB: I think they’re still making him pay for being such a smart-aleck on the Queen Mary.

The Atlantic Paranormal Society

Warwick, Rhode Island

There’s the old storefront. Inside, Donna is addressing Jason and Grant across the conference table. Donna is stoked.

Donna: “I have the. best. case. ever. ever.” She is beaming.

Grant: “Whoa.”

Donna: “I was talking with Barry Fitzgerald over in Ireland.”

Jason: “Yeah.” Jason is acting cool.

Grant is not acting cool: “Oh my god!”

Donna: “You ready for this? He said he could get us into Leap Castle.”

Grant whooshes: “Aw!”

Donna: “And we have the whole run of the place ourselves. Leap Castle!”

Grant and Donna high-five each other across the table. Jason is too cool for that, but he allows himself to smile.

Grant: “That’s frickin’ awesome.”

Donna: “I mean we’ve all dreamt about – like really – this is the top of the top of the top. The cream de la crème.”

MB: But there isn’t any cream in crème. That’s why they have to call it crème.

TM: I like crème.

MB: You also like cream.

TM: True. but I’d rather have crème in certain things. Like Easter eggs. Easter eggs are the cream de la crème. More so than Leap Castle, certainly.

MB: Never mind about Easter eggs. I want to know how long it took them to learn how to pronounce “Leap” correctly.

TM: Oh, sure, they can say it, but can they spell it?

Jason interviews: “Over the years we’ve heard great stories from Leap Castle about the paranormal activity going on there. I know the owner doesn’t let paranormal investigators in anymore but with Barry’s pull he’s able to get TAPS in there.”

TM: Pshaw. The owner lets everyone in. Although maybe on Barry’s ghost tours of Ireland, they get garden teas, too.

MB: Ghost tours?

TM: Ghost hunters have to do something when they don’t have a t.v. show.

Jason in scene: “What are we up against there?”

Donna: “You’re up against twenty – supposedly twenty ghosts that roam the grounds of the castle.”

MB: Because what – they did a census? That’s just silly. You can’t count ghosts.

TM:  How do you know they’re not pretending to be each other, like sock puppets on the internet?  You know, that commercial where the sock monkey is driving the car is really disturbing.

MB:  Off topic.

TM:  Okay, they’re just making it up, like being the only ones allowed  to investigate Leap Castle, and being scientific.  And plumbers.

Grant: “That ups the odds right there.”

Jason: “Absolutely.”

Donna: “Um – but however the most fearsome is that of a demonic entity that supposedly…

Jason, to Grant: “Sweet.”

Donna: “Is half-human and half-beast which smells of sulfur and rotting flesh. Now this has been reported numerous times. It supposedly haunts the tower stairs and it’s believed to be the embodiment of all the evil deeds that were done in the castle.”

TM: Donna, Donna, Donna. She’s swallowed the were-sheep story.

MB: And the were-sheep story is?

TM: Later.

Grant: “Bring it on.”

Donna: “So – he’s warning us that it’s nothing like we’ve ever experienced here in the United States as you guys know. I mean this is – this is gonna be dark, this is gonna be insidious, this could be dangerous.” She shakes her head.

TM: I don’t think I can watch this with you, Mme. I can take terrifying, but insidious – what can you do against insidious?

MB: There are sprays.

Jason: “I’m totally – uh – content with that.” He smirks.

Donna, all smiles herself again: “Okay. Haven’t seen you smile that big in a long time.”

Grant: “I know, hunh?”

They’re all very pleased with themselves.

Jason: “I’m gonna do it.”

Grant: “Movin’ up, man. I mean, this is awesome.”

Donna, laughing: “This is gonna be an opportunity of a lifetime, so – bring back a leprechaun if you find one as well.”

MB: As if they could handle a leprechaun.

TM: There are no leprechauns.

MB: How would you know?

TN: I have cousins who are elves.

Grant: “You didn’t mention yourself in that.”

Jason: “You’re not goin’?”

Donna: “I can’t get that time off of work.”

Grant: “Well, you know what? This may not be the fir- last time we go to Ireland.”

Donna: “Oh, I hope not. I hope we do follow-up cases.”

TM: Be careful what you wish for, Donna!

Jason: “Awesome.”

Donna: “So yeah – so can I call Barry and tell him that we are down for it?”

Grant: “Please.”

Jason: “I’m totally – I’m totally up to this.”

Donna: “You’re into it? Yeah.”

Jason: “Yeah, and just – how are we gonna break it to Steve? We know he doesn’t fly.”

Shot of scary blue sky with little puffy lamb clouds. Then Steve knocks on a closed door.

Grant: “Come in.”

Jason and Grant are staring at their laptops in their “office,” “working.” There is a coat rack with lots of red and blue shirts hanging on it. Steve enters.

TM: I kind of miss the dueling red sweaters of yore.

MB: I doubt if they’re gone.  But Grant and Steve’s shirts aren’t nearly blue enough.

TM:  Jason coordinates, though.

MB: He does.

Jason: “Hey, bro.”

Steve: “Hey.”

Jason: “How you doin’?”

Grant: “Steve.”

Steve pats Grant on the shoulder: “Hey, guys.”

Grant: “Steve, what’s up, man?”

Steve: “Not too much. What’s goin’ on?”

Jason: “You know, I wanted to talk to you. We got some good news, we got some bad news.”

Grant: “Good news is we’re checkin’ on a castle.”

Steve: “Good. Castle.”

Jason: “Bad news?”

Grant: “Where do you find castles?”

Steve looks at him.

Jason: “We’re goin’ to Ireland.”

Steve chortles, and bares his teeth in a fear grin.

Grant: “And we can’t drive there, man.”

MB: So they’re going to the “most haunted castle in Ireland,” in which they supposedly get attacked by an elemental, and yet they must fill out their 42 minutes with more of Steve’s neuroses.

TM: You’re not entertained?

MB: Well, I don’t mind if he ends up crying like a girl.

Steve: “Guys, I mean – a castle in Ireland – that’s fantastic, obviously, but I – I don’t fly. Yeah, you know that. I drive everywhere.”

Grant: “We need you there, man.” He fixes Steve with a look.

Jason, looking somewhat disgusted: “If you’re not there, then Brian’s runnin’ that department while I’m out there and I don’t have enough people.”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Jason: “I understand – I understand your fear, you know. Uh – whatever you need to do, whoever you need to talk to, whatever you need from us, just let us know. We’re there, a hundred per cent for ya.”

TM: The TAPS health insurance includes shrinks! 100%! No co-pay!

MB: Yeah, no. I bet you only get to sit under a pyramid somewhere in North Providence.

Steve: “The last time I flew, I cried the whole flight.”

TM: Well, forget it. He’s on the no-fly list for sure.

MB: That must have been an interesting travel day for a lot of people.

Jason, cajoling in a most unconvincing way: “C’mon. I’d never let anything happen to ya. You know that.”

Steve: “You’re not flyin’ the plane.”

There’s a lot of ho-ho-ing. Then the TAPS van is at the airport and Steve is handing out baggage. He’s going to go!

Steve interviews: “I used to fly. Uh – I’ve flown quite often actually but about six or seven years ago I – uh – had a really bad flight to California for a cousin’s wedding.”

We see Grant, Brian, and Dustin, smartly attired in the American male summer traveling uniform of long shorts and t-shirts. They are striding along with purpose. “There he is, guys,” says someone.

Steve continues the interview: “And – uh – the flight was all over the place. Uh – the plane was going up and down, left to right, and dropping, and people were praying and uh –“

There is a sedan parked at curbside, and Steve is inside crying, wiping his eyes and being patted on the back by a hand attached to an invisible woman.

Steve interviews: “It was – it was really bad and pretty traumatic and – uh – I’ve been ta two different physicians for this, I’ve been to see a psychic, I’ve been to see a hypnotist, I’ve been to a actual psychiatrist to try to work out this phobia and uh – I’ve even tried different medications and – and nothing has worked.”

MB: See – he doesn’t really want to be cured. He’s been to “a actual psychiatrist.” One. The guy needs serious long-term therapy, but he’s seeing psychics and hypnotists. Pft.

TM: I wonder what the psychic said. Maybe he was thrown off a castle in another life.

MB: Or a lighthouse.

TM: Or a spider-filled clown car at the top of a roller coaster.

Now Steve is somewhere in a terminal, looking at the ceiling: “See in my mind all these people are gonna die. No one’s fine. They’re not gonna make it home. That’s the way it feels. You literally think that all these people are gonna die and if I’m on the plane, I’m done.”

MB: If he’s so afraid of dying, how does he manage to leave the house?

TM: Yeah, because he could be hit by a plane while he was out jogging, you know.  Perhaps he’s afraid of getting suffocated by a folding bed.

Jason interviews: “Steve showed up at the airport, which was huge enough and he – he actually got himself on that plane, but he couldn’t stay on there. He had to get off – the minute the door started closing, he started flipping out.”

TM: It’s like Final Destination! Only without the good parts.

Grant interviews: “He just broke down and you know he – he was begging me to get off the plane and I can’t force him to do that.”

Someone has made Steve come down an escalator and be followed outside the terminal by a camera.

Steve interviews, outside: “I wanted to go to Europe and investigate ghosts. It’s of course every ghost hunter’s dream. I didn’t want to let Jason and Grant down. Uh – or TAPS, but uh – I can’t fly. I can’t get on the plane. Unless you have the fear, I don’t think you’ll ever understand it. I just can’t – can’t go.”

TM: I just thought of something – can you imagine how pissed Steve must have been about Ghost Hunters International? Brian and Andy and Donna get their own show, and he has to stay home and lug extension cords.

MB: That show we’ve never watched?

TM: Speak for yourself. Oh, wait. Yeah. I guess I haven’t either.

MB: Ooh, I bet he was ripped. Ha.

TM: Except now he has his own Ghost Hunters Academy.

MB: Okay, I don’t know this and I don’t want to know this.

TM: And Brian and Donna and Andy… omg. I wonder if it was all a plot by Jason and Grant. They send the pesky ones off to Europe, thus expanding the franchise cheaply, and Steve can’t go, because he can’t fly, and then the pesky ones all quit because they can’t pay their bills and…

MB:  Okay, this is way too Tudors for me.

A plane takes off, without poor Steve. Jason and Grant doze, Brian sits by himself reading, with headphones. Then it’s picturesque Ireland, with sort of a castle except it’s really some roofless houses and a tower but it’s all very green, and then clouds are going in two directions over a body of water, so we’re not in Rhode Island anymore.

Grant interviews: “It’s always been a dream of mine to come to Ireland and – uh – here I am and what better way to do it than to come researching its history of its ghosts.”

We drive through a quaint Irish village.

Jason: “The place is incredible. Where else can you go they got castles and buildings that were built two thousand years ago that are still standing?”

MB: I think he thinks he’s in Italy, not Ireland.

TM: Oh, you know. It’s all the same, Europe. Castles. Coliseums. Ireland. Italy. Whatever.

Dustin, in car with Brian and Dave: “Well, Leap Castle, here we come.”

Brian, who is driving on the wrong side and talking at the same time!: “Yeah, dude. Do you believe we’re actually in Ireland right now?”

Dave, from the back: “This is it, dude. It’s awesome.”

Brian: “This is ridiculous.”

Dustin is swigging lemonade, or something.

Dave: “I can’t believe we’re in another country, honestly. It’s like – weird.”

Dustin: “You’re always in another country, Tango.”

There are ho-ho’s at his sally. They are lacking the TAPS black caravan. Instead, they have blue and red station wagons, with “TAPS” stuck on the hoods. It’s not much of a caravan.

Brian: “Are you serious? We’re investigating here?”

Dustin gasps. Leap Castle is pretty small for a castle, but it’s very scenic, with little crenellated battlements.

TM: It looks like a little Eastern State Penitentiary.

MB: Tch. That’s a terrible comparison. But it does, doesn’t it?

Brian: “Look at this guys. Holy shit!”

The editors kindly provide some atmospheric lightning over the castle.

The Investigation

Ireland Leap Castle

Friday, 6:45 PM

Jason: “Well. Jeez. You ready to do this?”

Grant: “We’ll head in. You guys wanna try to find a place to set up?”

Brian: “Yep.”

Jason: “All right.”

Brian: “All righty.”

Grant: “Take it easy.”

Jason: “This castle was built in 800 A.D. and we’ve never investigated anything this old. We don’t have anything this old in our own country. It’s just – it’s wild. It’s gonna be an awesome investigation.”

MB: 800 A.D.? Okay, now those Irish Europeans are just making fun of us stupid Americans. They were living in blocks of peat in 800 A.D.

TM: They were not. They had very nice stick huts back then.

A big double door creaks open.

Grant: “Barry! Dude.”

Barry: “How’s it goin’?

Jason: “What’s up, man? Good to see you.”

Barry: “Well, oh – c’mon in.”

Jason: “Awesome.”

Grant: “Can’t wait.”

TM: Do you ever get tired of transcribing these vapid chats?

MB: Not really. If I did, we would have never gotten past the second episode. There’s just something about inanity that makes me happy.

Grant interviews: “Barry’s pretty much the TAPS family in Ireland. He’s our contact out here. He’s been working really hard in the industry trying to find great theories and new ways to use equipment.”

MB:  So now it’s an industry.

TM:  I think it’s always been an industry for Grant.

Sean Ryan, castle owner: “Barry Fitzgerald recommended TAPS and that was fine with us. Uh – we feel that TAPS are just the fellows to – to investigate it and whatever they find out it’s great with us.”

Barry Fitzgerald, TAPS family member: “I want to give you a tour of the castle, so let’s start from the bottom up.”

Jason: “Sounds good.”

Grant interviews: “Barry’s going to give us a tour of the castle because the homeowner’s away.”

Barry, in a damnably thick Irish accent: “That it is. This is as looo as you can gooo.”

They are in a brick-arched room about four feet high, which makes them all have to stand around bent over.

Barry: “Now the worst entity within this castle by far has been identified as the elemental.”

Grant interviews: “An elemental is just a short being, a short creature that – uh – is kinda neutral?” Doesn’t really care what you think. It’s gonna do what it’s gonna do, and that often comes across as malicious or someone trying to ply pranks on you.”

MB: OMG that’s you to a T. You’re an elemental! Who knew???

TM: I am not short.

MB: But that’s a pretty lousy definition of an elemental. Short?

TM: Maybe he’s confusing it with leprechauns.

Barry: “The elemental itself does not like being prodded with a stick. It will fight back. After you start provoking, you’re going to get action back. The elemental appeared shortly after the introduction of Mildred Darby and her husband around 1850 onward until 1921.”

TM: Well, does anyone like being prodded with a stick, really?

Barry: “And now Mildred herself was involved with black art practices.”

Jason: “Sure, the occult?”

Barry: “And this elemental appeared from then and they believe she is responsible for bringing it in. She described its [?] as almost the size of a sheep and – um – surrounded in -in a white mist. Now its face itself was – was decayed – uh – like a decayed corpse. There were no eyes and – and they talk about the smell, the horrendous smell of sulfur that was emanatin’ from this thing and the generation of fear that also came off it and as it – you know – she – she described it in her occult journal which was written in 1908.”

Jason: “Well now, with the elemental, it sounds like you’re referring to like a demonic.”

TM: See – there is the start of the were-sheep story. Read Mildred Darby’s “account”:

“The thing was about the size of a sheep, thin, gaunt and shadow in parts. Its face was human, or to be more accurate, inhuman, in its vileness, with large holes of blackness for eyes, loose slobbery lips, and a thick saliva dripping jaw, sloping back suddenly into its neck. Nose it had none, only spreading cancerous cavities, the whole face being a uniform tint of grey. This too was the colour of the dark coarse hair covering its head, neck and body. Its fore arms were thickly coated with the same hair, so were its paws, large loose and handshaped and as it sat on its hind legs, one hand or paw was raised, and a claw like finger was extended ready to scratch the paint. Its lustreless eyes, which seemed half decomposed in black activities, and looked incredibly foul, stared into mine, and the horrible smell which had before offended my nostrils, only a hundred times intensified, came up into my face, filling me with a deadly nausea. I noticed the lower half of the creature was indefinite and seemed semi-transparent at least, I could see the framework of the door that led into the gallery through its body.”

MB: Oh, my word. She’s fond of her purple prose, isn’t she?

TM: So “size of a sheep” turns into “half-beast.” I like the saliva-dripping jaw.

MB: I like the “spreading cancerous cavities” beneath the lustreless eyes half-decomposed in black activities. It’s almost a poem. What the heck was this?

TM: An article for The Occult Review.

MB: Oh. That explains it. Mildred Darby was probably shopping a book proposal.

TM: Gothic fiction never loses its charm. I’m going to start having deadly nausea. It sounds so much better than “I’m going to puke.”

The editors make dark skies rip by over the castle.

Jason interviews: “A demonic entity is a negative type haunting. It’s there usually for two reasons – malicious intent or possession. It is definitely one of the worse type hauntings you can get.”

MB: Can you imagine anyone wanting to possess Jason?

TM: Pshaw. Elementals don’t want to possess anyone. He’s a boob.

MB: How’d we get into demonic entities, anyway? Oh, that’s right. Jason looooves demons.

TM: He really wanted to call this show Demon Hunters, but Pilgrim refused.

The guys have moved upstairs, and can stand upright again.

Barry: “Now folks, this is the banquet hall.”

It’s kind of small for banquets, but it does have a balcony.

Jason: “Wow. What kind of activity do you experience up here?”

Barry: “Other investigative teams have come up here – um – and from up on the balcony there they were able to see the manifestation of this elemental start to appear. It has formed itself as a lady in red and with a red dress.”

Jason: “Oh, so it would actually manifest itself in forms.”

Barry: “Yes, and now we’ll go further up, folks.”

They climb a quaint stone spiral stair.

Barry: “All right, now listen – down here is where the elemental has been seen. Now this is the old access to the battlements. Down here you’ll get the strongest smell of sulfur. Now there is [?] the castle and I was able to see it but I also felt the [?] as it was racing out.”

Barry is gesturing at some dark narrow corridor and is getting totally incomprehensible with the brogue.

Barry: “And I got hit at the same time.”

Grant nods and grunts.

Barry: “And it leaves you in a nasty way for three or four hours so bear this in mind – this is one of the darker places of the castle. Okay, fellows? Let’s go.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

TM: I don’t know about you, but I’d like more of an explanation of “nasty way.”

MB: Deadly nausea.

TM: Oh. Okay.

They move on.

Barry: “Okay, guys – this is called the Bloody Chapel.”

Jason: “The Bloody Chapel?”

Barry: “Yeah, it was up here that brother went against brother. One was a priest, the other one was a warrior…”

MB: What happened to warriors, I ask you? Do we still have warriors?

TM: The movie was good. I don’t know. I hear about warlords occasionally, but not warriors. Unless they’re high school football teams.

Barry: “And the warrior didn’t approve of his brother and slaughtered him over the altar and hence it got the name of the Bloody Chapel.”

TM: Now, see – I wouldn’t call the brother a warrior, so much as a thug.  But warrior sounds better, like deadly nausea.

MB: Maybe you’re a warrior if you carry a spear? I’d rather be a harrier.

TM: I’d rather be a terrier.

Barry: “The holding pen itself is called the oubliette. At the bottom of that there was spikes, iron spikes which punctured the lungs, the necks of anyone who was threw down.”

Grant interviews: “Back in medieval times, the owners of the castle used to torture and kill their enemies by throwing them down in the oubliette.”

TM: I don’t like that grin.

MB: He does seem inappropriately gleeful.

Grant: “They would toss them in there just to forget about them. They’d throw ‘em in, they’d land on the spikes, and pretty much just suffer till they died.”

TM: Okay, the weasel really likes this idea. It’s that scary weasel nature of his, the stuff that basilisks fear.

MB: You should probably never get near an oubliette if he’s around.

Jason: “So what kind of activity do you experience up here?”

Barry: “Activity up here – you’ve still got the priest that’s up here. Now he’s seen across on the other side of the hall.”

Grant: “Is there any activity out on the grounds? Or is it all…”

Barry: “Yes, there – there is activity in the grounds as well and in the old ruing of the priest’s house.”

Grant: “What kind of stuff you get out there?”

Barry: “There’ve been a few sightings of monks, of all things, that have been seen there as well and there’s been sightings of the elemental also in the priest’s house. Now let me show you where I’ve seen the priest.”

Jason: “Okay.”

MB: So Barry’s been here a few times, I take it.

TM: I think Barry lives here. I think he’s their publicist.

Barry: “It was behind this doorway, and as the door was opened the priest run from the back of the door as it swung open and down the steps.”

Grant: “Barry, what did the priest look like? Was he see-through? Solid like us?”

Barry: “Solid. Solid.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Barry: “And, um – he run like the wind.”

Jason: “All right. We really appreciate the tour, man. This place is incredible.”

Barry: “No trouble.”

Grant: “Now, Barry – you’re going to join us on this tonight, right?”

Barry: “Eh – I’m – yeah, I’ll keep an eye on what’s going on in the background.”

Jason: “We’re gonna go set up the equipment.”

Barry: “Okay.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

Jason interviews: “This is the biggest investigation of our careers and we’re down a key member, Steve. And I don’t know how TAPS is gonna do this tonight.”

TM: Oh nooo!

MB: Oh, fer crissakes.

Grant interviews: “This place was designed to trip people up on the stairs. There’s holes everywhere. There’s exposed electrical, there’s bats. I mean, it’s a castle. Me personally, it is overwhelming and I really have to try hard to calm that down and treat this as a space and just investigate it.”

TM:  Yeah, well – that better not involve any string.

MB:  Once upon a time, he must have been a real ghost hunter.

TM:  You’d almost think.

Dave Tango interviews: “I really haven’t had the personal experience for me. Um – I’m waiting for it. I need that one thing where it – it’s – and I know it – I want to have a personal experience with a ghost.”

TM: Poor Tango. Now we know they’re going to vote him off the island.

MB: Huh?

TM: I think Ghost Hunters would be a lot better if they had blindfold challenges.

MB: I think they already do. It’s called Lights Out, aka Going Dark.

TM: Okay, but Zero Lux would be a lot more fun with water hazards.

Tango in scene: “I brought my own mini-DV – my personal mini-DV.”

Jason: “Ah – okay, good. Well, one more camera’s definitely going to be beneficial.”

Tango: “All right.”

Jason: “Well, let’s go dark.”

MB: Wait! Where are the cameras?

TM: Cameras are too much trouble.  And when do the ghosts ever cooperate?

MB:  St. Augustine?

TM:  Yeah.  Ha.

They proceed to blow out many many candles, some looking set up by a Martha Stewart acolyte.

Brian: “All right, ? Barry – you know this castle like the back of your hand. I don’t, so. You think it’s here tonight?”

Barry: “Ah, it’s watching very carefully.”

Brian: “Well, let’s let this thing to come out and play.”

MB: Barry is different.

TM: Barry is Irish.

Brian interviews: “Barry decided to take me to the ruins of Leap Castle, the outside area where they haven’t fixed it up yet.”

Priest House Ruins 3 hrs. into investigation

Brian: “So we decided to go under the floorboards until like the so-called basement area of the ruins.”

We see legs disappearing.

MB: Okay, I really don’t get that. Why do they need to crawl under the floorboards?

TM:  Because they’re looking for that short elemental.  Would you like to read Barry’s description of an elemental?

MB: For some reason, I’m thinking I don’t.

Barry: “Ah, give it a second. [incomprehensible] make it an idea of what direction it’s going’ in.”

The editors provide some scary music.

Brian: “Barry – ? go over just came from behind you.”

Barry: “Yeah, I was watchin’ that.” Silence. “Right. There’s somethin’ movin’ somewhere.”

This is all a big batch of nothing to us.

Brian: “Hey, did you hear that?”

Barry: “Yeah.”

Brian interviews: “And it was like kinda like a really creepy feeling, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, my eyes started watering. It was very very weird feeling.”

Barry: “Barometric pressure stayed stable.”

Elsewhere –

Jason: “Why don’t you guys start all the way at the top and work your way down?”

Basement 10:00 PM

Dustin: “Cool. All the way to the top, man.”

Jason: “How are you guys with bats?”

Dustin: “Um, how’re you doin’?”

Tango: “Batteries or bats?”

Dustin: “No, baseball.”

Jason: “Bats.”

Dustin and Dave trudge up the stairs.

Dustin, whining: “Why are there always bats?”

TM: He should be thanking his lucky stars there are bats. We need filler! Bats are great filler.

MB: Better than Steve’s acrophobia, anyway.

Bloody Chapel, top of Leap Castle

Tango, to recorder: “This is Dustin and Tango, in the…?”

Dustin: “Chapel.”

Tango: “Chapel. All the way on top.”

Dustin: “Look!” He’s waving his flashlight over Tango’s head. Tango ducks and flinches.

Tango: “What? What?”

Dustin: “Shit.” He is laughing.

Tango: “Don’t do that to me.”

Dustin: “I hate bats. Shit. Here we go.”

Tango: “Don’t dodge, man.” They are cowering together.

Dustin: “Just sit over here. Why you gotta sit so close?”

Tango: “Because.”

They crouch in a corner.

Dustin: “Dude!”

Tango: “Oh, my god that was close. ‘Oh, jesus!

Dustin: “Oh, jesus christ!”

Tango: “It’s gonna go past right around your head. You hear him?”

Dustin: “All right, we need to go quiet.”

Tango: “Slowly, slowly.”

They are now walking in tandem, as if they are about to tango.

TM: Tch.

MB: I couldn’t help it.

Dustin: “Are you going to take a step every time I take a step?”

Tango: “Let’s just keep it even.”

Dustin, giggling: “So you’re using me as a shield.”

Tango: “I feel like I’m dancin’ with ya.”

Dustin: “Okay, okay. Just over there.”

They seem to be edging through a minefield.

Tango: “Just gonna get over to the corner.”

Dustin: “Slowly.”

There is some unexpected hold-up.

Tango: “What? You okay?” he is addressing Brian Hodge, Cameraman.

Dustin: “Dude, it smells different.”

Brian Hodge, Cameraman: “Dude, swear to God, I just got pushed.”

Tango: “Are you serious? You just got pushed?”

Brian Hodge, Cameraman: “There’s nothing here, and I just literally felt heavy and went forward.”

TM: He’d better not be the same cameraman who ran with Brian at Eastern State Penitentiary.

MB: No, that was Dave Hobbs.

TM: Oh, right, Hobbs. But – Brian H.! It’s almost a Fortean coincidence, on two sides.

MB: No, it’s not.

TM: You’re no fun.

Dustin: “It smells completely different.”

Brian Hodge, Cameraman interviews: “Right before it happened I did get the chills a couple times during the night and I gotta say I ‘m pretty much the biggest skeptic there is and – uh – I don’t know. Tonight felt a little bit different.”

Dustin: “It just got really weird. Point 5, point four – oh, definitely in this area – 1.5, 1.6.”

Tango: “Did it just get really cold or is it just me?”

Dustin: “Well, I don’t know if it’s just a draft.”

Tango: “My hands just – my hair’s standing up, man.”

Dustin: “The smell is different.”

Tango, holding his hand out: “Dude, the hair is standing up. Look at that.”

Dustin, preoccupied: “Yeah.”

Tango: “I…” He gasps. “What was that?”

Dustin: I just saw something over there, too.”

Tango: “What the fuck was that?” It was a light.”

Dustin: “It was like a greenish light.”

Tango: “Dude!”

Dustin: “Okay.”

Tango: “What was that?”

Dustin: “I don’t know, but something’s here to play.”

Tango: “Holy shit, man. Finally. Wow.”

MB:  Notice we don’t get to see anything.

TM:  Yeah, if this is Wii ghost-hunting, they need to work on the visuals.

The Investigation

Ireland Leap Castle

Friday 11:23 PM

Bloody Chapel

5 hrs. into investigation

Dustin: “It – to me it looked greenish.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Dustin: “About the size of like a tennis ball.”

Tango: “Yep. Same here.”

Tango interviews: “I saw this little ball of greenish-blue light. It was just dancing around real fast and at first I thought it was a reflection off the EMF because – uh – he had a flashlight on it.”

There is a screen note to explain EMF in the most cursory way. Apparently Grant has gotten tired of doing these explanations.

TM:  He’d rather talk about oubliettes.

Dustin: “One point, 1.8…”

Tango: “Oh, really?”

Dustin: “Yeah, 1.5, point 4, point 2. I don’t understand. There’s no electricity in here.”

Tango: “No.” Addressing the room at large: “Let’s see what you got. Can you touch me? Hit me? Push me?”

Dustin: “Dude, there’s something going on over there.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Dustin, pointing to another corner: “This way.”

Tango: “What? You saw it again?”

Dustin: “Yeah, keep the video in the corner.”

Tango: “Oh, my god, you saw it again. Oh, awesome. And you…”

Dustin: “I – I – the light’s off.”

Tango interviews: “And then he turned the flashlight off and he saw it again, so that really got me.”

Dustin: “Something’s up with this – this area. I mean it all ties in with that corner.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Access Corridor 12:40 AM

Elsewhere, the door squeaks open to reveal the B boys.

Barry: “I think this is gonna be a good place to leave the camera on if you can spare the battery life.”

TM: Ooh, look – they’re translating Barry for us.

MB: I don’t know why they couldn’t have provided me with captions before.

Brian: “Okay. Hold on a second, folks. All right, there’s problems. Our barometric pressure’s dropping.” He’s looking at his wrist watch.

Barry interviews: “I wear a wrist watch that is able to register the barometric pressure. Whenever it drops very low, that’s when these things are able to hit us.”

MB: How does that work?

TM: Ghosts as weather fronts?  Weather fronts as ghosts?  I dunno.  It must be part of Barry’s new theories and equipment Grant was gassing about.  Or it could be Barry’s way of writing off his wrist watch.  Do you think they call themselves ghost hunters on their tax forms?

MB:  Well, mountebank isn’t really a  profession.  So maybe.

Brian: “Something just moved back there. Something just moved. I just saw it.”

Barry: “Yeah.”

Brian interviews: “All of a sudden, I could see some shadows in the background, moving.”

Brian in scene: “Helloo.”

Barry: “Brian.”

Brian: “What up?”

Barry: “Be very very careful.”

Brian: “Okay.”

Barry: “The barometric pressure’s lowering.”

Brian: “That usually means something bad’s going to happen, right?”

Barry: “Yeah, uh huh.”

Brian: “Okay.” To the corridor: “Whyn’t you come out?” To Barry: “Dude, it just went pitch black in there.”

Barry: “Take a few steps further, Brian.”

Brian: “Okay. Helloo.”

Barry: “Easy! Easy!”

Brian: “Can’t see anything.”

Barry: “It dropped another three bars.”

Brian: “Whoa.”

Barry: “Easy!”

Brian: “It just got – uh – my light – my light couldn’t penetrate back. It’s pitch black back there. Something’s about t happen. Yeah, there’s something back there. My light can’t even penetrate it now. Can’t make out what’s back there. All right, [mumble].”

Barry: “Just do like – how far this pressure has dropped.”

MB: I’d just like to interject here that Pilgrim’s sound recording really sucks. So add to that Barry’s accent and Brian’s sloppy enunciation and none of these incomprehensible statements are my fault.

TM: Calm yourself. No one cares but you. It’s not like they’re saying anything we need to know.

MB: I keep forgetting.

Brian: “Whoa. I think I just caught something.”

Brian interviews: “I was looking at the screen for the mini-DV and I saw a shadow moving around.”

Brian in scene, backing his way out of the narrow corridor: “That was weird. I think I might just caught something on camera.”

Barry: “All right, we’ll review it later.”

Brian: Holy shit!”

Barry, getting a little frantic: “C’mon! Keep comin’ out keep comin’ out.”

TM: Barry is something of an old biddy, isn’t he?

MB: He’s not exactly phlegmatic.  The TAPS family vetting process may have glitched here.

Brian: “Dude, there’s something standing right there!”

Barry: “C’mon c’mon c’mon!”

Brian backs out more rapidly.

Barry: “Close the door.”

Brian: “Dude, I just caught something on camera.” He closes the door. “I just saw it. There was a shadow and it came around the corner and it went right back into the …”

Barry, look disturbed: “As we encroach in, it’s startin’ to make its attack.”

Brian, in a loud whisper: “That was crazy!”

TM: Did you see that?!? THEY CLOSED THE DOOR!!!

MB: I know! Did you ever?

TM: Never! That’s like –

MB: The stupidest thing we’ve ever seen on Ghost Hunters.

TM: Well, I’m not sure I can say that.

Bloody Chapel 1:15 AM

Dustin: “Padre, you with us tonight? Are you mad because of what happened in this church”

MB: He’s asking if the priest is “mad” about being slaughtered.

TM:  Small talk is so hard with the invisible.

Tango: “Dude…”

Dustin: “Yep.”

Tango: “I don’t know if I just saw something. It could be – oh my god – boy – no – all right. I don’t think I did. Holy shit, that was so weird, though.”

Dustin: “Did it look like a face?”

MB: Whatever happened to not prompting each other?

TM: I think it fell by the wayside with the cameras.

Tango: “Yeah, did you see that, too?”

Dustin: “Yeah, I saw it once before but I thought my contacts were just a little dry.”

Tango interviews: “I saw this face flash in front of me, and at first I was like wait – maybe you know it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me, and I didn’t know it but Dustin – uh – saw that before and he didn’t tell me.”

Dustin in scene: “I thought I saw it twice so far, but the first time I was just blinkin’.”

Tango: “That was – it flashed.”

Dustin: “It was like – one of those cheesy Hollywood like 50s special effects where like it…”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Dustin: “Shimmered in and shimmered out.” He waves his hand to demonstrate.

Tango: “Yeah, it was so fast. It was weird [here he looks at cameraman, apparently forgetting he’s supposed to pretend the guy is not there] because it had – you know, it could have been a monk, too.”

Dustin, putting his hands up to his head: Yeah, ‘cause it had like…”

Tango: “A hood.”

Dustin: “A hood.”

Tango: “It was a hood, yeah.”

Dustin, to the room: “Are you a monk? Are you a priest? Are you trapped here?”

Tango: “If you’re trying to give us a warning, give it to us again. We need to be sure.”

Dustin, under his breath: “Ah, Stevie’s gonna be pissed he missed this.”

Priest House – ruins 1:58 AM

The FLIR camera tells us it’s August 8, 2006.

TM:  It’s Tuesday.  They’re still pretending they’re weekend ghost hunters, in Ireland.

Jason, whispering: “C’mon. Don’t be a coward. Show yourself.”

MB: Honest to god, I don’t know why Jason thinks there aren’t a million other reasons to avoid him by anyone, living or dead.

TM: He still thinks he’s Vic Mackey.

Jason, aloud: “Is there anything here?” Back to whispering: “I don’t know what that hot spot right there is.”

There’s a red spot on the floor seen in the FLIR’s mostly yellow screen image.

Jason, still whispering: “See it? Right there.”

Grant, whispering back: “Yeah, look at that.”

Jason: “Right there, what is it?”

Grant kneels down to point at it: “J., there’s nothin’ here.”

Jason, still whispering: “No, now there’s two of ‘em.”

Jason interviews: Grant and I located a couple heat signatures that showed up on the floors of the ruined building. All I know is – it could have been anything. It’s a wide-open building. Maybe a rat, maybe a mouse. Possible a bird.”

Grant crawls around and puts his face next to the floor. We get to see the two spots again. They are pretty small.

MB: Maybe closing the door on the ghost wasn’t the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen on this show.

TM: See?  It’s a crowded field.

Jason, whispering: “C’mon, you coward. Where are you? Hey, we’re low on battery here so I need to hurry up.”

Elsewhere, back in the Bloody Chapel:

Dustin: “C’mon, what’re you afraid of? You can’t be afraid of us, right?”

Barry enters: “What’s goin’ on, guys?”

Tango: “Oh, man.”

Dustin, laughing: “What’s not going on?”

Bloody Chapel 8 hrs. into investigation

Dustin: “Let’s exchange things that you’re not going to believe have happened so far.”

Barry: “Yeah.”

Brian: “Yeah, let’s exchange things.” He points to a corner. “Something just moved back there.”

Dustin: “Yeah, it’s been moving there quite a bit, and there’s actually a face with a hood.”

Brian, expostulating: “I just – I just saw that! I just did!”

Tango: “Is that what you saw?”

Dustin: “I don’t know what to keep doin’. It flashes, right?”

Brian: “Yeah, it was [he waves his hand in front of his face and blows through his lips] like that – a fwa- a fuzziness.”

Dustin: “It’s friggin’ crazy. It’s happened twice so far that I’ve seen.”

Brian: “I swear ta god I just saw it. I wasn’t gonna say nothin’ because I wasn’t…”

Tango: “Yeah, that’s what Dustin did.”

Dustin: “Right.”

Tango: “And then I saw it and then…”

Dustin: “Like a little hood?”

Brian: “Yeah, a little hood and and a face with like a little beardie thing.”

Dustin: “And you weren’t here and you didn’t know that it had the beardie thing, ‘cause I [?].”

Brian interviews: “I saw something look like a face with a beard and a hood on it – uh – for a split second. I didn’t say nothin’ to Tango and Dustin ‘cause I didn’t believe what I saw, and then they started describing what they saw and I’m like – yeah, it had a beard and everything and – and it totally coincided with what they saw.”

Brian in scene: “What do you think – what do you think that face was?”

Barry: “That – that’s where the priest is usually seen.”

Dustin interviews: “For us to be able to exchange information without either one of us knowing what we’d actually seen, and for it all to come together is just fantastic.”

MB:  We still haven’t seen a damned thing.

TM:  This is a faith-based initiative now, Mme.  Get with the program.

Brian: “Dude, that was just crazy.”

Brian interviews: “Barry and I continued investigating downstairs while Dustin and Tango stayed up in the Bloody Chapel.”

Dustin: “Can you imagine being thrown down that shaft, dude?”

Bloody Chapel 2:34 AM

Tango: “I’d – I’d – it hurts to even think about it. Getting impaled?”

TM: Weasel doesn’t mind thinking about it!

Dustin: “It’s starting to smell weird again.”

Tango interviews: “We had smelled this – rubber smell. It was weird. It was like a stale rubber smell and um – Dustin started feeling weird.”

Dustin: “I’m gettin’ very uneasy in that corner.”

Tango: “Are you really?”

Dustin: “Yeah. Like a little shaky.”

Tango: “All right.”

Dustin: “You wanna come out and play, come out and play. What have you got, boys?”

Tango: “Don’t be a wuss.”

Dustin: “Yeah, don’t be a wuss. Uh – play. Come out and do it.”

There’s a small crashing noise and “Oof!” and “Aw, shit!”

Tango: “Are you all right? What happened? Dude! What the hell happened? Dude!”

Dustin is prostrate on the floor.

The Investigation

Ireland Leap Castle

Saturday 2:35 AM

Tango interviews: “Dustin and I were doing some EVP work. We were provoking and I remember I called whatever was there a wuss ‘cause it wasn’t showing itself.”

MB: Would a 15^th-century monk even understand the word “wuss?”

TM: Begorrah and sure but it’s old Gaelic.  Anyway, rudeness needs no translation.

We get to see the scene again, and hear all Tango’s dismayed “Dude!”s.

Tango in scene: “Dude! Dude! Where’s your flashlight? Dude, are you all right? Dude!”

Dustin is lying on his back, grunting.

Dustin: “Yeah, I’m all right. It’s my shoulder.”

Tango: “What the hell happened?”

Dustin: “I don’t know. Just like something just knocked me real bad.” His voice is shaky and he is gasping.

Tango: “Are you – are you serious?”

Dustin continues to gasp and swear, so apparently he is..

Tango: Are you hurt? I mean – is your arm broken?”

Dustin: “No no no no. No, it’s fine.”

Tango: “ [?] punk?”

Dustin, still on his back, eyes closed: “My chest feels like – not very good.”

Tango: “All right, just stay there, man. Just relax.”

Tango interviews: “When Dustin fell on the ground, I was there tight with him. He fell down, he clinged [sic] to me for a second, and I felt the force of him hitting the ground. I mean I didn’t get hit, but I mean – I was there. I was sha- – shaking just as much as he was.”

Tango in scene, to the room: “You can’t touch me?”

TM: It’s like one of those cheesy Hollywood 50s movies Dustin was just talking about.

MB: Yeah, and Tango would be weeping like a little bitty baby if he were on the ground, so I wish he were. Because I get so sick of these scenes. All the he-man macho blustering – do they not realize how stupid they look posturing to an empty room?

TM: Apparently not. Or, they enjoy looking stupid!

Dustin: “Tango, seriously, I wanna get out of here.” He puts his hands over his eyes.

Tango: “All right, man. Just get up. Let’s get up. C’mon, let’s get up.”

TM: Dustin is crying right now, isn’t he?

MB: Kinda looks like it.

Dustin: “I can’t. No, I can’t. My chest is…”

Tango: “I smell it!”

This causes Dustin to raise his head to look around with alarm.

Dustin: “Yeah, I can.”

Tango: “Oh, I smell it.”

Tango interviews: “After he fell on the ground, I started smelling something – that stale rubber smell again.

Tango, in scene: “C’mon, hit me! C’mon!”

MB: Preferably in the mouth.

Dustin is still wheezing and swearing and sniffling. There is a very long camera shot of him lying back down, hands to eyes.

Tango: “Let me know when you can get up. I’m shakin’ right now.”

Dustin: “Oh, fuck. Let’s go.” He sits up, grunts and gasps. “Oh! Ow!”

Tango: “You wanna hit me? You like hittin’ people, huh? Hit me!”

Dustin: “Tango, don’t – don’t provoke it. Don’t provoke it. Don’t, dude.”

Tango interviews: “I was actually a little angry at first – like – you know I tried to call it again and I just – maybe I shouldn’t have done that but I – you know it – he hurt my friend, whatever it was.”

TM: Aw.  Since you refused to watch the deleted scenes, let me just tell you that there’s a deleted scene where Tango goes to sit by himself in the Banquet Hall and tries to raise Beelzebub by himself, and then Jason comes in and chastises him for being so rash because Tango is just a newbie and can’t handle Beelzebub on his own.

MB:  Beelzebub?

TM:  And Jason himself socked Beelzebub in the head somewhere in Maine.

MB:  Really?

TM:  Well, sort of. I imagine you had to be there.

Dustin: “Take this.” He hands over his flashlight. ‘Let’s get the fuck out of here.” He stands up. “Ow! Ow! Fuck, dude.” He rubs his shoulder. “I need to go outside. I wanna get outside.”

Down below, Brian is bending the ears of Jason and Grant.

Brian: “All right, well, if you go through like a third level there’s like a doorway. There’s like a little storage area. Well…”

Downstairs 2:43 AM

Brian: “Barry was like the barometric pressure’s dropping, the hair on the back of my neck’s standin’ up and it’s like it was just getting’ weird so I put my camera down and I seen the shadow move on the camera. It went all the way up to the top and – um – Dustin – here they come now. Dustin and Tango were up there…”

Brian’s babbling is interrupted by several “What?”s, as the split screen shows the arrival of Tango and the wounded warrior.

Tango: “He just – he just got punched.”

Duelling Pilgrim cameras focus lights on the only visible event of the evening.

Tango: “He just got hit real bad.”

Someone, probably Grant, squeaks another “What?”

Tango: “He was just smacked – just got hit and thrown on the ground.”

Another squeak of “What?”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Dustin is standing still, hunched over like he’s come out of a deep freeze.

A chorus of “Where is he? What happened?”

Dustin: “Dude, it was like something just went right – right through my shoulder. I was talkin’ to Tango and the next thing I know I was on the fuckin’ ground.”

Brian: “Did you catch it on tape, Tango?”

Tango: “I don’t know – I mean I went as fast as I could.”

Jason: “Clearly something hit you?”

Dustin: “It felt like something went right through and there’s this – this musty smell. We’re in the front corner. I was talkin’ to Tango. I just – I was just talkin’ to him and the next thing I know it was just like – bam.”

Jason: Where were you – all the way up in the – uh – chapel room?”

Brian feels the need to burst in: “Well, see, that’s what I was tryin’ to tell you. What happened was we saw a face, a blurry face with a hood and a beard.”

Dustin, faint: “I saw it twice.”

Grant: “Wait wait wait.”

Brian won’t: “And he…”

Grant: “Now wait. When you say you see a face, it doesn’t – does it just appear in front of you?”

Brian: “It was in the corner, exactly where they saw it and…”

Tango is saying yeah and Jason is trying to talk to Dustin, but Brian is determined to be in on it.

Brian: “…and they said did you see it? Yeah, it was like – joo joo joo and I – and they said did you want to see a face – did you see a face? I said yeah and a beard and everything.”

Meanwhile Jason and Dustin are talking unheard.

Grant, to Tango: “Did you see him go down?”

Tango: “I saw him go down . He was right next to me, went boom, go down, I turned.”

Jason: “Grant, let’s go.”

Brian: “When you see what happens, let me know.”

MB: Poor Brian. If only he could have been the one the ghost made eat dirt.

TM: He had his chance.  He closed the door.

Jason interviews: “Grant and I rushed up to the chapel and the main reason behind that is if there’s activity going on right now, we wanna be there for it. We wanna experience it. If this thing was willing to knock Dusting down, I don’t wanna give it a chance to cool off.”

Grant interviews: “After you know he’s okay, you kinda get this instinctual – you just wanna fight back. You wanna get in there and you wanna – you wanna provoke the heck out of it to see if you can catch it, and that’s what J. and I did instantly, instantly and headed right up there and that’s where we started getting this heavy feeling.”

Bloody Chapel 2:57 AM

Jason: “Ah, it’s getting hard to breathe.”

Grant, whispering: “It does feel heavy up here, huh? Whaddaya think?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “I don’t know about you but to me, it does.” Aloud: “All right, little man – you attack our team. Or you afraid of us? You think it’s afraid of us?”

MB: Oh, god. More.

TM: Grant is obsessed with height, you notice?  We might even call him a heightist.

Downstairs, Dustin is still having fits, repeating his traumatic toppling to Tango.

Dustin: “And the next thing I knew it was just like bam. I was down.”

He sniffles and Tango pats him on the shoulder.

Brian: “Is that what that – is that what that yell was? We heard a yell.”

Dustin: “Dude, there was something fucked in that room.”

Brian: “[indistinct mumble] everything’s going to be good. You’re all right.” He’s staring at the camera screen, not Dustin. First things first.

Dustin: “I’m just scared – uh – I don’t know – uh – if we went too far busting chops.”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Dustin is twisting away from the film crew camera, putting his head down. He’s in a state. He clutches his chest, then his mouth, and swallows hard.   It looks like he’s about to vomit.

Dustin: “I feel like I’m going to be sick.”

Brian: “Are you all right?” He is watching the video of Dustin’s dusting on the camera. “Don’t be a wuss, huh?”

Dustin is still gasping.

Tango: “Now bro… I…”

The editors take pity on Dustin and leave him to gasp and retch in peace.

TM: Deadly nausea! That was a first.

MB: I know. I guess anyone willing to cry and practically vomit on camera is either an incredible actor or some invisible fiend really did smack him.

TM: Shades of Frank di Angelo, huh?

MB: I guess.

Upstairs –

Jason: Maybe it’s willing to show itself when people are alone, and I’m willing to go alone. I know you are, too.

The Oubliette in the Bloody Chapel

We see a ladder propped in the hole.

Jason interviews: “Barry suggested we investigate the oubliette and one of us would head down there being along and vulnerable and a likely target for this thing to attack.”

Barry: “I think Grant is best for this job.”

Jason: “All right, no disrespect but you’re…”

Barry: “Then there’s one of us.”

Grant: “You want me to climb in there?”

Barry: “Sure.”

Grant: “All right. Let’s do it, then.”

Jason: “Okay.”

Jason interviews: “To try to duplicate the attack in the Bloody Chapel, Grant and I felt that we needed to be up in the Bloody Chapel alone and Barry backed that, heading to Command Central and listening to the wireless audio that was set up near us.”

Grant: “I just have no light to…”

Jason: “Here, take this camera and use it to see.”

Grant: “All right.”

Jason: “It’s got the IR on it.”

Grant: “Okay.”

Jason: “It’s recording.”

Grant: “Okay. There you are. All right. Here we go in – into the oubliette. Don’t forget about me, J.”

We get a camera’s eye view of this whole exchange.

TM: You know, for the most haunted castle in Ireland, there’s not really a whole lot going on here.

MB: That’s the problem with ghosts.

Jason, on radio: “Hey, Barry.”

Barry, in Command Central: “Go ahead.”

Jason: “All right, Grant’s down in there.”

Barry: “Okay.”

Grant: “Well, I’m pretty much where people got killed and tortured. It goes down a lot further but they filled it up with sticks so that no one would fall on the spikes.”

MB: How far down is he?

TM: Six feet, at least. Maybe seven.

Jason, on radio: “All right, so no fluctuations or anything with Grant in there?”

Barry: “Everything’s remaining cool.”

Grant: “Ask him what I can say to make this thing mad.”

Jason, on radio: “He wants to know what he can say to piss this thing off.”

Barry is seen to be sitting, thinking.

Jason” “I don’t think Barry’s going to tell us.”

MB: Well, of course he isn’t. He thinks you’re trying to unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Grant: “C’mon, little elemental. C’mon, you little demon.”

TM: I swear – he’s mixing up his elementals and leprechauns.

Barry is looking at the audio signal readout downstairs with furrowed brow.

Grant: “Not afraid of you. C’mon little demon. So horrible right now. Bring it on.”

On the floor a few feet above, Jason is standing poised for action. There is a thumping noise.

Jason, whispering: “Grant?”

Grant: “What?”

Jason: “Getting something walking up here.”

Down below in Command Central, Barry lifts his head like an Irish Setter.

Barry: “Jason, that sounds like wooden furniture being dragged across the floor.”

Jason is looking around him, apparently searching for the sound source.

Grant: “C’mon. Do something. Something, to someone, please.”

The thumping continues. The camera pans the ceiling. Below, Barry removes his headphones to listen.

Jason, whispering: “Grant.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason: “I heard walking, then all the sudden I heard running.”

Grant: “How close to you?”

Jason: “I don’t know if it was on the steps or if it was in here.”

Barry, on radio: “Jason.”

Jason: “Yes, Barry.”

Barry: “Could you step away form the oubliette back toward the main door?”

Jason: “Do you want me to leave my little buddy in there?”

Barry: “Yeah.”

There is a shot of Grant, forsaken, peeping from the not-very-deep depths of the oubliette, next to the ladder.

Jason interviews: “Sometimes a thing’ll only come to somebody who’s alone.”

Jason, on radio: “Barry, did you catch what sounded like running a minute ago?”

Barry: “There’s a whole mixture of sounds coming out. J., what’s going on with Grant?”

Jason: “Are you okay in there?”

There is no response from Grant.

Barry: “Is Grant responding to your question?”

Jason: “Grant?”

There is more silence.

Barry interviews: “This thing was ready to make a move and my concern is again for the guys and their safety.”

Barry, on radio: “What did you just hear up there now?”

There’s more thumping. Jason is looking around, brow furrowed.

Barry: “Okay, I can hear fooststeps. Is anyone comin’ up the stairs?”

Jason: “No.”

Barry: “I think it’s gonna make a hit.” He abandons his post and runs up the spiral stairs, gasping. He bursts into the chapel where Jason is standing, and runs to the oubliette opening and leans over it. ‘Oh, dear god.”

Heh, then they went to commercial.

The Investigation

Ireland Leap Castle

Saturday 3:51 AM

We get to see a repeat of Barry’s prophecy and mad run. Grant is not visible down in the oubliette, until he coyly peeks out from under the floor structure.

Barry: “You okay?”

Grant: “Yeah. What the heck is goin’ on?”

Barry: “Then you couldn’t hear him comin’ up the stairs?”

Grant: “Hear him coming up the stairs?”

Barry: “C’mon, get up here as quick as could.”

Grant laughs.

Barry: “I’ll step downstairs, have a heart attack in private.”

Jason, chortling, slaps him on the head: “Oh, we gotta bring you to the States.”

Grant, back at floor level: “Why’d Barry come flying up here?”

Jason: “Well, we kept hearin’ footsteps.”

Grant: “That’s awesome. Was – were the footsteps responding to anything you were doing?”

Jason: “”No, they were and then there [pointing to a corner] and just like…”

Grant: “Just like this?” He walks.

Jason: “Yeah. That’s exactly what it sounded like.”

The editors have dug up a picturesque cloud-wracked full moon for us.

TM:  There really was a full moon that night.  Or almost.

MB:  I find that hard to believe.

TM:  No, really.

MB:  I bet it wasn’t that one, though.

TM: You have gotten so cynical!

Tango and Jason are standing around in a room, while Dustin is huddled next to the fireplace with Brian and Grant.

Tango: “Ready to start breakin’ stuff down?”

Jason, feeling a need to complain first: “Yeah, sure. It’s a whole lot to analyze because we’re down a guy. We don’t have Steve. Well, you know what – why don’t we start breaking down?”

Tango: “Yeah.”

Jason: “Pack up and get the hell outta here.”

Grant interviews: “The investigation has been amazing. The history, the evidence, the location, and the sequence of personal experiences that have happened here are – are overwhelming, not to mention what we have yet to discover with the footage.”

MB:  Yeah, if they have any.

Jason interviews: “We were informed that here are about twenty human spirits and there was one elemental. That negative entity in this home really didn’t know why we were here, and it seemed like it was trying to figure us out as well as we were tryin’ to figure it out.”

Dawn breaks over Leap Castle. The blue and red station wagons depart.

Grant, in car with Jason, who, as always , is driving, only on the other side of the car: “I hope we have a good shot of Dustin getting nailed. That can offer a lot of information on how it happened, why it happened.

TM: No, it can’t. Unless he’s expecting to see an anvil fall from the ceiling.

Jason: “I can’t wait, man. Can’t wait to find out if we caught it. I’m hopin’ man. Cross your fingers.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

The Analysis

Ireland Leap Castle

Monday 7:39 AM

In a very dark and plaid hotel function room, Brian, Dustin and Tango are lined up at a table with their “footage.” Except there doesn’t seem to be any.

MB: I told you there were no cameras. Look at this. There’s one laptop. Tango looks embarrassed because they’re making him pretend to be working at a pretend computer.

TM:  He’s still in training.  It’s a simulation.

Brian interviews: “Well, we have a lot of evidence to review today. We’ve had a lot of personal experiences so I’m hoping that when we sit down and review all the evidence that we catch a lot of good stuff.”

Across the Atlantic, we see sad Steve sitting in the TAPS conference room, with headphones.

Brian continues: “Steve has got all the wireless and digital audio. He’s gonna be reviewin’ that and he’s going to be giving us a call after he’s done.”

MB: WTF? Because these guys have so much footage to review?

TM: We don’t want Steve to feel left out.

MB: Pft. I think it’s more like we want to point out what a great a time we’re having over here in Ireland.

Lonely Steve interviews: “Brian sent me some audio to review from the overseas investigation – uh – they’re having a great time over there but they have a lot of stuff to review and – uh – they’ve asked me to help out with this and – uh – of course I’m definitely – you know – excited to do that for ‘em.”

MB: Definitely.  We can tell.

Dustin: “Hey, Brian, you wanna take a look at this? I think it’s that shadow you were talkin’ about.”

Brian: “All right, let’s see it. Yeah, it’s when I was placin’ the camera. Yeah, there it is. There is is. Now look, when you – when you watch it, see this little thing – I don’t know if it ‘s anything. Yeah, okay, yeah – it’s got to be me.”

Dustin: “Yeah, ‘cause it washes up on the wall.”

Brian: “It washes up on the wall. If it didn’t wash up on the wall behind I’d been like…”

Dustin: “Right:”

Tango: “Look at the side of the shadow it was like if it was like a shadow it would be you would see the body.”

MB: I give up. They’re all speaking gibberish here.

TM: Explaining light optics is not their forte. That thing Brian closed the door on? The impenetrable darkness?

MB: Yeah?

TM: Was Brian’s shadow.

MB: Oh, my god.  All that melodrama from Barry and his barometric pressure wristwatch was…

TM:  For Brian’s shadow.

MB:  Okay, so closing the door on it is back in the running for stupidest thing ever.

TM:  I like this version even more.

Brian interviews: “It kind of disappointed me because I was feeling so good about that area, I just felt something was gonna happen, and when I saw that shadow on that – on that two-inch screen I was so excited. I figured it’d be great to show Jason and Grant. I figured we had it.”

Brian, in scene: “Ah, crap. Okay.”

Dustin: “Oh, well – we keep lookin’, bro.”

Steve interviews: “I really do think that not being able to fly hinders – uh – my life in some respects. I definitely did want to be there. Uh – it’s actually been pretty depressing. I think about it quite often and say – ‘Gee, I could be there with them’ but – uh – you know if I was in Ireland, all I would think about every waking moment would be the return flight.”

TM: There.  It’s sad.  We should be nicer.

MB:  Pft.  This phobia has become shtick.

Steve, in the TAPS conference room: “Holy cow. Might have something.”

The Findings

Ireland Leap Castle

Monday 3:31 PM

Steve, on phone: “Hey, guys.”

Grant: “Hey, Steve. It’s good to hear you, man.”

Jason: “How’s it goin’, Stevie?”

Steve: “I’m curious to see what you make of these. They sound pretty good to me but I’d like to get your opinion on them.”

Jason: “All right, sweet.”

Steve: “Um – there’s one section where – um – Jason says that – you know – “did you hear that?” and – uh – you can actually kinda hear a voice saying “help.” “

Grant: “All right, let’s hear this.”

The clip of “help” is played several times, captioned.

Grant: “Oh, yeah – it’s like desperation.”

Jason takes the headphones from Grant, and we hear the clip a few more times.

Jason: “Oh, wow.”

Grant: “You hear that?”

Jason: “That’s pretty wild. That’s awesome.”

TM: Well, it’s hardly being tapped on the shoulder by the boney hands of a decaying corpse. I think “wild” is stretching it.

Steve: “In this clip I can hear what sounds like footsteps and shuffling.”

We hear a clip of that thumping we heard back in the Bloody Chapel.

Jason: “That’s when we were in the Bloody Chapel.”

Grant: “Yeah, I was down there but I didn’t hear anything while I was in there.”

Jason: “Hmm. All right.”

Steve: “There’s another section where there’s a – a lady’s voice. Now is there any women with you guys? I know no – no TAPS women.”

MB: Omg, you don’t suppose they have groupies, do you?

TM: Since there’s no accounting for taste, but of course.

Brian, who chastised Steve once for this very thing: “No, no women.”

Steve: “No.”

Grant grabs the headphones. We hear a screechy wailing over one of the guys talking.

Grant: “That’s really disturbing.”

The Reveal

Ireland Leap Castle

Tuesday 3:17 PM

Jason and Grant stride out to the blue station wagon.

Jason interviews: “We caught a bunch of EVPs from possible human spirits, and there’s a lotta claims of human spirit activity at Leap Castle.”

MB: So is he giving up on the demonic entity or what?

TM: You were right, Mme. No cameras – maybe they couldn’t afford the extra baggage charge?

MB: And I think you were right. They’re going all wireless sensory touchy-feely. So much less fuss.

TM: So all the complaints about Steve not being there were smokescreens to conceal the non-use of tech. It’s classic! You have to admire the nerve.

MB: I do not.

TM: Well, I do. They’ve perfected their Queen Mary system!

MB: I’m listening.

TM: They go to the most haunted castle in Ireland. They can’t go to debunk it – they know they’d look ridiculous doing one of their drive-bys and debunks in a place that according to Jason was built during the Viking invasions. Have you once heard even the faintest whiff of what used to give them all their bragging rights?

MB: You mean debunking? Come to think of it, no.

TM: So they can’t or won’t try to debunk it, and they also don’t want to look ridiculous not catching any ghosts in the most haunted castle in Ireland, so they decide to do an end-run and -

MB: Not look!

TM: Isn’t it brilliant? Why go to all the fuss of setting up cameras in the Bloody Chapel when you can just stroll around and have your television crew do the work?

MB: Okay, it is kind of smart. I refuse to call it brilliant. But it certainly is efficient. Also truly lame.

TM: Well, yeah.

Jason, Grant, and Barry sit down at a long table at the castle with Sean Ryan. They’ve set up a computer screen with “TAPS” on it at the end, just like in the old days. It’s quaint, especially with the antlered head looming over it in the background. Sean Ryan looks like a Hogwarts professor on holiday.

Jason: “So how’s everything going since we left?”

Sean Ryan: “Fine. Back to normalcy, yeah.”

This inexplicably gets a big laugh from Grant, joined by the rest.

Jason: “Well, you know what we did. We came in, listened to the claims of activity here, different teams went through performing investigations. Well, we all had a lot of personal experiences – a couple of our investigators believed that they had seen what appeared to be a face which they didn’t talk about it to each other till later, and they all had the same image that they had seen – a face with a mustache and beard.”

Grant: “And a hood.”

Jason: “And a hood.”

Barry: “Un – when I was talkin’ to the guys and introducin’ them to the castle, I purposely kept that – uh – description of the hood and what not away from them.”

Jason: “So that helps definitely solidify those claims. One of our cameramen actually felt like he’d gotten shoved, and also one of our TAPS guys did get shoved down. We’ve actually got some video of that I’d like to show you.”

TM:  Well, it might solidify claims if the Leap Castle monks weren’t all over the internet well before TAPS got there.  I think Jason officially doesn’t care anymore.

MB:  If he ever did.

The wuss video is shown.

TM: Actually, I’d like Jason to stop saying actually.

MB: I’d rather have him saying actually than honestly, honestly.

TM: Actually?

MB: Honestly.

Sean Ryan watches the clip with no expression.

Jason, to Barry: “Now you were here to experience that.”

Barry: “Yeah.”

Jason: “And to talk with Dustin after. Now what’s your feelings on that?”

Barry: “Well, certainly, I’d warned the guys beforehand that not to be prodding this and understand the castle.”

MB: Maybe Barry is afraid of lawsuits. With his tours and all, he must be constantly slapping people away from teasing the elementals.

TM: I thought he was just being a biddy, but that’s a good point. One cardiac arrest could ruin everything.

Sean Ryan: “We find that sometimes when we take people up – um – they’ve got this kind of pressure on their chest. They don’t feel like they can stay up there.”

Jason: “We also caught some audio that we’d really like you guys to hear. Grant and I were upstairs in the Bloody Chapel room and we – uh – caught the sounds of footsteps and other things moving, possibly furniture. Uh – it was all on the wireless audio. Grant was down in the oubliette.”

The clip of thumping is played.

Jason: “You were actually able to hear those, too, Barry.”

Barry: “Sure, yep.”

Sean Ryan: “This was all in the chapel?”

Jason: “Ye – ah – yes. This was where wireless audio was up in the chapel. A couple of these you’re going to hear a male voice. You’re also going to hear a female voice.”

A garbled clip we haven’t heard before is played.

Jason: “Now did you hear that?”

Barry: “Yep.”

Jason: “That voice? To be totally honest with ya, I’m not sure if it’s even English.”

Sean Ryan listens again: “If it’s from maybe 1400s, 1500s, it’d be middle Gaelic, which we don’t speak now.”

Jason: “We’ve got another one.”

The “help” clip is played.

Barry: “It certainly does sound like get up or get out.”

Jason: “It almost sounded like help to me.”

The clip gets played three more times, with captions, to make it clear Jason is right and dumb old Barry is wrong.

Jason: “Now this is a little interesting. You’re gonna hear Dustin and Dave talking and then right in this area you’re gonna hear something.”

The clip of wailing is played.

MB: Gah. Okay. I’ve heard it enough. If it’s real, it’s awful.

TM: Maybe she’s just reacting to the presence of TAPS. I’d wail, too. Here – watch Sean Ryan in this. It will make you feel better.

Grant: “My first thought was a cat.”

Sean Ryan: “Well, we don’t have any.”

Jason: “I’m gonna loop it for you.”

It’s played several more times.

Sean Ryan: “That’s different. That’s – that’s like a plead.”

Grant: “That’s what we were saying.”

Sean Ryan: “A plea for help or something.” Repeat of caterwauling. “We have lots of spirits in the house but they’re happy to be here. There’s definitely – there’s fear in it.”

Jason: “Honestly, when it comes down to with all the experiences we had here, Sean, I have to agree with Barry. I believe this place to be haunted.”

Sean Ryan: “Hauntings – uh – it’s kind of – really, we talk of it in a different way.” He looks at Barry, who nods. We like to say we’ve lots of spirits in the house.”

Jason: “You’re not referring to the alcohol?”

Sean Ryan: “No, no.”

General ho ho ho’s all around.

Jason: “We really wanna say thanks for having us. You guys have been wonderful, you and your family.”

Grant: “And you’ve got a lot of spirits in your house!”

Another round of ho ho ho’s.

Jason: “C’mon, let’s get out of here, guys.”

Sean Ryan opines: “Jason and Grant mentioned that the castle was haunted but in Ireland we don’t really feel that. We like to think that there are lots of spirits, but friendly spirits, in the house. Ah – they don’t interfere with us but they do let us know they’re here.”

TM: Yeah, you silly Americans.

MB: Indeed.

Jason, in the car: “How do you feel about that investigation, man?”

Grant: “It was very interesting. It was certainly different from what we experience in American and I’m not sure that what was in there was an inhuman negative entity.”

MB: Oh, look. We’re back to Grant not knowing what an elemental is.

TM: I knew he was funning us when he said he was coming to research the history of Ireland’s ghosts. Unless he said spirits.

Jason, shaking head: “No, me neither.”

MB: And he is so disappointed.

TM: Demon Hunters, I tell you. That was the Holy Grail.

MB: The Mona Lisa?

TM: The cream de la crème. So sad.

Grant: “I think it could have been an old old intelligent spirit or it could have been…”

Jason: “An old grouchy spirit.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Jason interviews: “The investigation at Leap Castle went awesome, um – just some great. evidence that we caught. Even though Steve wasn’t there, the team really pulled together and – uh – got through it, and we had such a great time in Ireland that I think we’re gonna look around and try to find some other places to investigate while we’re here.”

TM: Specifically those ones Barry scheduled for us six months ago.

MB: You’d think they’d be using GPS by now.

TM: Driving on the left side of the road has probably confused them.

Jason, in car: “Eh, awesome. Good job, man. On to the next.”

Grant: “Good job.”

TM: Good job, Mme! We did it all in one go!

MB: There’s no point prolonging the agony.

TM: Oh, admit it. You enjoyed this one.

MB: Yeah, but these guys don’t get knocked down nearly enough for my taste.

TM: On to the next!

MB: How many more are there?

TM: You don’t want to know.  There’s going to be a sixth season.

MB:  2012 can’t get here too soon.

TM:  It could be black and white.  Striped.

MB:  You’re just saying that to encourage me to go on.

We left Jason and Grant recovering at Mission Control after chasing a crow ghost up the stairs at the St. Augustine Lighthouse, or so we are to believe.  See Part I here.

Lovely photo courtesy of www.flickr.com/photos/wordridden/9157511/

Steve’s fear of heights is keeping him out of the lighthouse with its 140-foot high spiral staircase.  Brian and Dustin have been sent in.

Lighthouse Tower

2:02 AM

Brian: “Can you hear me?” He whispers: “Dude, it’s responding to us.”

Dustin interviews: “It started when Brian and I get to the landing, we started giving the hellos, and we’d actually get a response.”

Brian: “These kind of responses or something…”

Dustin: “It sounded like a whisper.”

Brian: “Helloo!”

MB: Eek! I heard a squeaky hello just now.

TM: Pft. That could be the sound guy.

MB: Don’t be such a spoilsport.

Brian whispers: “That was a definite female voice.”

Dustin: “Didn’t it sound like somebody said ‘help’?”

Brian interviews: “Every time that we’d say hello, you’d hear a woman’s voice going – some kind of moaning noise.”

Brian in scene yells upward: “Can you show yourself?”

Dustin: “We’re not here to scare you.”

The damn sound guy is adding mechanical whines.

MB: I wish he’d stop that.

TM: He would if there were anything else to hear.

MB: Even so. It’s annoying.

Brian: “We need to know where you are. We need to help you.”

Dustin: “Dude! Did you see that?”

Brian: “Move it move it go!”

The camera man stumbles around. General chaos ensues.

TM: This would be a perfect moment for Brian’s signature phrase.

Brian: “Somebody’s moving there.”

The Investigation

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Sunday, 2:36 AM

A repeat of the chaos, to make sure we know something significant is happening.

Dustin: “Dude! Did you see that?”

Brian: “We got somethin’ – go, go! Someone just moved. Go go go!”

They are crashing up the stairs, with the camera crashing around behind them.

Brian: “Helloo!”

Brian interviews: “Me and Dustin were investigating the lighthouse and we looked up and all you could see was totally dark up there, and then it got totally light like the shadow moved away from the area.”

Lighthouse Tower

8 hrs. into investigation

Dustin: (incomprehensible)

Brian: “Light just changed on the _”

Dustin: “Something just moved across that window up there.”

They are both peering upward intently.

Brian, whispering: “Didn’t it look like somebody grabbed the hand rail. Lookit.  At the top, it was like this.”

He demonstrates, by flashlight.

Brian interviews: “So I saw something I’d never seen before in my life. You could see something moving around on the top level. Then you see a hand grab the hand railing.”

Brian in scene, whispering: “It’s coming down. It’s coming.”

Dustin: “Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me?”

Brian, whispering: “Here it comes. Dude, it came down one floor. It’s two floors up now.”

There is a small ruckus.

Brian: “Oh! What the fuck was that? Did you see that? Holy fuckin’ shit! Dude, that was like a fuckin’ ball of light or something.”

The editors get busy here, bleeping Brian. In their captions, they declare that he said “bucket ball of light.”

Brian interviews: “We looked up again and there was a big ball of light flash. Poof.”

MB: God damn it. I didn’t see a thing. Did you?

TM: Nope. It was a lot of nothing. In the dark. Although I must say, Brian does seem exercised about something.

MB: But he’s an excitable guy. Still, he usually remembers to use “frig” and “frick.” He said “fuck” three times in a row there.

Brian in scene: “Dude, that was the most crazy shit I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Dustin: “I know. I still can’t believe it.” They are still whispering.

Dustin interviews: “It was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced before. It’s one of those things, it’s like if I weren’t there personally, I wouldn’t believe it myself.”

Brian interviews: “This is like the – the Mona Lisa of all paranormal activity that I’ve experienced with my own eyes. I can die a happy man now.”

MB: Ah. I do like Brian and his unbridled enthusiasm.   It’s the saving grace of this dreadful show.

TM: You’ll be interested to know he now refers to this as the Holy Grail of the paranormal.

MB: See, that’s what happens when you over-think  things.

TM:  Nude Descending a Staircase, No. 2 would have been more appropriate.  Or – Dude.

Brian in scene: “That was crazy.”

The guys retreat, downward.

Light Keeper’s House

Basement

2:42 AM

Jason and Grant are ambling about with the everlasting FLIR thermal imaging camera.

Grant: “So this is the room where the gentleman walks.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Like this.” He sweeps his arm out.

Jason: “Come out.”

Grant: “Come out, wherever you are. The room looks pretty much the same temperature wherever you go, denoting that (mumble). What the heck is that? Something went right in front of us.”

They replay the film segment on the camera monitor.

Jason: “Nope.”

Grant: “I guess I was wrong. I thought I saw like a head and shoulders go by, but it was something else. Either we’re jumpy tonight or I don’t know what’s going on.”

Jason: “Jumpy?”

MB: Yeah, speak for yourself, Ghant.

TM: I want it noted that Brian confirms the whole haunted house thing vs. the lighthouse pre-TAPS.  I quote: “Funny thing is, they didn’t want us to investigate the lighthouse. They said nothing ever happens in there.”

MB: They being?

TM: The lighthouse people, I assume. It was the gift shop that was supposed to be haunted.

MB:  Gift shops can’t be haunted.

TM:  That’s what Steve thinks.

MB:  Then I take it back.

Jason: “Just lettin’ the thermal do its thing.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

But the thermal’s “thing” is, as usual, nothing so Jason and Grant go find Steve and start to regale him with their adventures on high.

Jason: “So, Steve – me and Grant were in the lighthouse and all of a sudden we looked up and all you see is a black mass. It just – whomp.” He sweeps his hand up.

Light Keeper’s House

3:33 AM

Grant: “Dude, it rocketed off the landing.” He repeats Jason’s gesture.

Jason interviews: “We’re experiencing a lot of activity in the lighthouse and you know I want Steve to experience it as well, so we decide to try to get Steve to come with us in the lighthouse.”

Jason in scene: “But then, to top it all off, you hear ‘help me’ from a female.”

Steve interviews: “I didn’t really wanna investigate the tower of the – of the lighthouse. After I started hearing the first-hand experiences – uh – from J. and Grant, I really had to get in there and experience it for myself.”

Steve runs to the tower and charges through the door, holding a flashlight.

TM: Look at him go! Maybe you’re right about that acrophobia after all.

MB: Yeah, lickety-split. Just wait. It will come right back when it’s time to fetch the equipment.

Then Steve starts climbing those fearsome stairs.

Lighthouse Tower

9 hrs. into investigation

Steve interviews: “Climbing the lighthouse tower stairs in the dark is pretty difficult, especially with my fear of heights. It was really dark, I was alone, I just had a flashlight, um – it was disorienting at some points. It was really difficult to get up to the top but – uh – I didn’t want to be the only one that left there empty-handed without any personal experiences.”

In scene, he seems stalled on the stairs, whether by the ghost or the phobia is uncertain. Jason shows up behind him.

Jason: “What’s going on with these heights? You okay?”

Steve: “I can’t really see in the dark so it’s not so bad.”

MB: Now, see – I think the phobia should be worse in the dark if it’s real.

TM:  Yeah, I wouldn’t be closing my eyes around clowns.  That wouldn’t help at all.

Jason: “All right, good.”

Steve, loud: “Would you please give us sign to let us know you’re here with us?”

Jason, whispering: “Do you hear that?”

Steve: “I did hear footsteps. Did you hear those?”

Jason: “I heard that, too.”

They’re both looking up.

Jason: “Make yourself known.”

Steve: Can you give us a sign, please?” He whispers: “What’s that up there?”

Jason: “There’s something up there.”

The Investigation

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Sunday, 4:16 AM

Jason interviews: “Steve’s terrified of heights but the minute activity started picking up in the lighthouse he was more than willing to climb the stairs, ‘cause he need to investigate.”

TM: If I were Steve’s therapist, I’d lock him in a room for a while with no food, except for box of pizza on top of a really tall ladder.

MB: If I were Steve’s therapist I’d push him off a cliff.

TM: Mme!

MB: Well, with plenty of water underneath, of course.

TM: I think my system would work better.

The editors repeat the moment, after the invisible commercial.

Steve: “Can you show us a sign, please? What’s that up there?”

Jason: “There is something up there.”

Steve: “There it – it is.”

MB:  There is sort of a shadow.

TM:  Psh.  They’re making it up. I don’t see a thing.  They’re flashing their flashlights around making shadows.  They don’t want poor Steve to go home empty-handed, and Steve sure doesn’t want to, either.

Jason: “Yeah, on the next big landing – not this one but the next one.”

MB: How many stairs are there between the landings?

TM: I think it must vary, because – uh – let’s see. 219 steps divided into 8 flights is about 27. But the diameter of the spiral gets smaller at the top, which would mess up things up and all the landings are aligned. So I dunno. I can tell you the risers are about 7-5/8” high though!

Steve: “Yeah.”

They go up further. Grant has been trailing them.

Grant: “Can we get some footsteps – just walk a little?”

Steve: “Can you tell us your name?”

Jason, whispering: “Whaddaya think, Steve?”

Steve: “Maybe she’s done for the night. I definitely heard a few noises and I saw – I did see a shadow.”

TM: He doesn’t sound very certain.

MB: He wants to believe.

Steve interviews: “I was able to get all the way to the top of the lighthouse with the help of J. and Grant. My desire to experience the paranormal did overcome my fear of heights – uh – for that half hour or so.”

Steve in scene: “We’re gonna say bye now. It’s your last chance – say hello?”

TM:  Last chance?

MB:  As if.

Steve interviews: “I was able to have a few experiences myself. I heard footsteps – uh – coming up the lighthouse stairs and I was able to see the shadow that everybody was talking about – uh – so hopefully this’ll help me the next investigation we have that involves heights but I do wish that I’d been there with – uh – Brian and Dustin so I could experience the – uh – half-body apparition.”

MB: How do you suppose it’s going to help him the next time?

TM:  I bet he doesn’t go to IMAX movies, either.  Think of the horror of To Fly!

MB:  Hey, 3D can’t be too good either. Those dinosaur birds in Avatar.

TM:  He probably can’t even manage a Cinerama roller coaster.

Back at ground level –

Jason: “You know what? It’s that time so, let’s wrap it up.”

Brian is doing a good job of making Steve want to kill him.

Brian: “Dude, you’ll never ever experience what we experienced. I saw a bon? apparition now.” He demonstrates on stairs. “We saw this, [he puts his hand out on the stair rail] and we see a shadow moving back and forth like it was pacing. It was deciding whether or not to come down again.”

Steve smiles tightly. They are winding extension cords.

Brian: “I’m all set now, dude.”

Steve: “It’s not a full-body thing. Unless you’ve seen full body…”

Brian: “Doesn’t matter. I seen a hand and shoulders…”

TM: If he’d seen a full body, would it have been the Venus de Milo of the paranormal?

MB: Not if he saw a hand.

Brian slashes his hand across and clucks his tongue to emphasize his paranormal coup.

Brian: “And I was – the whole time I’m like – it figures the one time I see an apparition my boy is not with me.”

Steve mumbles resentful assent.

TM: His boy. I hope he isn’t walking down those stairs in front of his boy.

MB: Steve was his boy.

TM:  I’ll bet Steve would beg to differ.

Brian: “Jeez, I can’t win.”

MB: Aw. It’s nice of him to want to share. Ol’ Steve would never be that gracious.

TM:  He’s still mad about the hat.

They slam the doors on a van full of extension cords.

Dustin: “That’s it for now.”

Brian: “That’s it.”

We get a last look at the lighthouse for the night, with Brian, back to camera, staring at it.

Brian: “Damn.”

Jason and Grant are doing their bread-and-butter chat with their host.

Jason: “Well, Paul, we really wanna say thank you for having us out and it’s been wonderful.”

Paul: “It’s no problem.”

Jason: “And what we’re gonna do over the next couple of days is go over the evidence we gathered here, and we’re gonna give you a shout and come back, sit down with you and let you know what we found, what we didn’t find.”

Paul: “Sounds good.”

Jason: “You have a good night.”

TM: Isn’t it 5 in the morning?

Paul: “Yeah. You, too.”

Grant: “Get some sleep, all right?”

Paul: Yeah. You, too.

Grant: “Take it easy.”

Paul: “Thank you.”

Paul interviews: “It’s gonna be very interesting. The jury’s still out with me. If TAPS does find something I will definitely have to rethink my viewpoint on the paranormal.”

In the lead SUV, Grant is exulting.

Grant: “Dude, everybody experienced something.”

Dustin: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Just stare that friggin’ apparition right in the face as it looked down at us – ha ha ha – that was awesome.”

MB: Grant is such a bozo. I only hope when he’s dead and flailing around in some damp, miserable place, he gets hounded by ghost hunters who taunt him and cackle over his inefficacy.

TM:  And what would Grant be haunting?

MB:  Fort Delaware!

TM:  I vote for Race Rock.  Even damper and more miserable.

Jason: “I’m – ecstatic. I can’t wait to see what we’ve actually caught.”

The Analysis

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Tuesday, 7:17 AM

They are pretending Steve and Brian are doing the analysis back at the hotel. Dustin is missing.

Steve: For the lighthouse case, we had five different camera angles running, mini DVs, we had audio recorders everywhere, digital audio running – you know we’re pretty excited to watch this evidence because there’s a lot of first-hand experiences, a lot of stuff went down, and I hope that we’re able to validate some of our personal experiences with the evidence we find so that’s what we’re hoping for.”

There’s a camera shot from the bottom of the tower staircase, which is not the FLIR camera. Its date/time tag says it’s 01/14/06 23:55:42. This is, of course, a day before the FLIR screen we saw earlier. Interestingly, there is a split second of a shot of the 4-screen monitor, in which there is only the single camera at the bottom of the tower at 01/14/06 at 23:55:43. The other three cameras are in the house. A Pilgrim crew member seems to be filming Steve in the basement at the moment.

MB: They’re messing with us, again. As usual.

TM: Hmm. So they were actually filming on Saturday night before Grant and Jason were using the FLIR in there on Sunday night.

Steve: “Check this out.”

Brian, grinning: “No, check this out, man.”

Steve: “Wait. Wait wait wait. Check this out first. This is somebody what’s not accounted for, or (he points to a bright spot at the tippy top of the spiral staircase) some thing that’s not accounted for.”

A figure has appeared at the top, and seems to bend over the rail and straighten back up.  There are shoulders and a head visible.  It looks quite like a person.

Brian: “Whoa!

Steve: “See him come out?”

Brian: “Dude, that’s cool!”

Steve: “You see a little light but I don’t think that’s a flashlight because you would see the beam.”

Brian: “Yeah, you’d see the beam. It looks like someone going like this.” He bends over the edge of the desk.

TM:  But would you see the beam?

MB:  What do you mean?

TM:  We’re looking a a night-vision shot.  I don’t know how light beams register on an infrared spectrum.

MB:  But the motion detector hasn’t gone off!

TM: Stop wailing!  My ears.

Steve: “Which is exactly what J. and Grant said they saw.”

Brian: “Dude, that’s awesome.”

Steve: “So that’s…”

Brian: “That’s pretty good, really. You wanna see something else that’s amazing?” He is grinning broadly, and pokes Steve.

Steve: “Can’t top that.”

Brian, gleeful: “Oh –ha ha.” He singsongs: “I don’t know.”

MB: Brian is so happy! Look at that!

TM: It’s like watching puppies frolicking.  Or puppy with a bulldog.

Steve pooh-poohs: “Nothing could. Come on.”

Brian: “Okay, watch this, right here. On the stairwell right now see it moves over a little bit? And he’s not moving – and then poof – it’s gone.”

On screen is mostly blackness, with an unhelpful white oval drawn on by the editors to delineate more blackness.

Steve: “And that’s not a shadow because there’s no underlight coming up to you guys.”

Brian: “No! So when we were up there doin’ that it was on the stairs lookin’ at us.” He chortles. “Can you believe this?”

Steve: “Jeez.”

MB: He’s happy happy happy.

TM: It’s kind of heartbreaking.

MB: And then there’s Steve.

TM: Steve is not so frolicsome.

The Findings

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Wednesday, 5:30 PM

Jason and Grant pretend to visit the peons to inspect the fruits of their labors, although of course they already saw this stuff or they wouldn’t have been setting up the silly FLIR at the bottom of the stairs the day after the prize video was recorded.

Grant: Now that lighthouse was awesome so there better be some good stuff.”

Steve: “We didn’t catch anything with the thermal [Surprise!] but we did catch the ‘help me.’ Here we are.”

A clip of the production crew’s filming of Jason and Grant getting frantic in the tower is shown, which may be some sort of first. A very scratchy possible “help me” is heard, helped out a lot by a caption. Then there’s a second one, which is slightly clearer.

MB: They’re both clearer this time.

TM: Yeah. Wonder why.

MB: Oh, stop.

Steve: “And you hear it again.”

Grant: “One more time.”

Jason: “That’s awesome. That’s great. Did we catch any video of it?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Brian: “Yes. This is – now we’re gonna show it. Watch this right here. Me and Dustin’s upstairs – we’re hearin’ the voices, seein’ the shadows. This is the next landing up, and that’s the stairs going up to the next landing. It’s right above us.”

We’re back at the clip of mostly blackness.

Jason, whispering: Oh, my god.”

Brian: “See – wait. See that?”

Grant: “Oh, yeah.”

Brian: “Watch, watch.”

Steve: “Now watch it take off.”

Brian: “It takes off to the right.”

There is more view of blackness, with some apparent movement in front of a light source, which must be a window.

Grant: “That’s like what I saw? That’s exactly what I saw?”

There is a general nodding of heads and verbal agreement.

Grant: “That’s when you were up there and…”

Jason: “That’s awesome.”

Grant: “And at the landing…”

Brian: “It was – it was pacing. That’s what we saw pacing.”

Grant: “That’s exactly what I saw.”

They’re all talking over each other, most excited.

Grant: “When I was like ‘J. – go up another level.” He’s squeaking.

Jason: “Look at how fast it moves, too.”

Grant: “That’s sweet.” He cackles.

Brian: “Now you’re not – you can now picture what we’re gonna see in this one.”

Grant is beside himself: “That – that’s awesome because that’s exactly what I saw.”

TM: Well, I suppose you could say that Grant is evincing genuine emotion here.

MB: Or…

TM: Or well-rehearsed emotion. Fake wolf!

MB: But then you’d be crediting him with being able to act.

TM: True, so that’s where it falls apart a little.

MB: Real wolf.

TM:  Nothing I’d bet real money on, though.

Steve: “This one – let me set this up for you. What you’re actually gonna see is a little disturbance here, and then something peek [sic] over the railing. See there?”

The clip from the night-vision camera at the bottom of the stairs is shown.

Grant: “Yeah.”

Steve: “And then…”

Grant: “Oh! Look at that!”

Jason: “Dude, that’s nuts.”

Steve: “There’s a – a trigger light when you go all the way up top so if it was a person, that light would have gone on. It doesn’t.”

Grant laughs.

Jason: “That’s awesome. That gives you chills right up the spine.”

Grant: “It does because that’s so perfect. That’s what we saw. That’s what I saw, that’s what we heard. Everything…”

TM: He is going on, isn’t he?

MB:  I view this as a good sign.

TM:  Overexcited weasels are never a good thing, though.

Jason: “Great job, guys.”

Steve: “And everything validates the experiences we had.”

Jason: “Well, make me a copy of that.”
Grant: “That’s awesome.”

Steve: “All right.”

Grant: “All right, guys. We’ll see you later.”

There is a farewell chorus of see-yous.

TM: You know what we don’t know?

MB: Probably not, by default.

TM: We don’t know when Brian and Dustin had their little encounter. There is no film footage with a time stamp on it. We also don’t know when the clip with Jason and Grant is from, although I’m betting on the 15^th. But there’s no way of knowing how this all fits together as an investigation sequence. The only thing we know is when the “ghost” peered over the railing, Steve was in the basement of the house.

MB:  It might have been Brian.  It’s someone wearing a hat.  I can’t tell who it is.

TM:  Whatever.  They’re being awfully parsimonious with the details of how all this happened.  And if it’s the Mona Lisa of the paranormal, you’d think they wouldn’t need to be quite so circumspect.

MB:  It didn’t show up in Scientific American, did it?

TM:  I don’t think it even showed up in Fortean Times.

MB:  Ow.

The Reveal

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Wednesday, 6:45 PM

Jason and Grant stride out to their black SUV waiting poised in the hotel driveway – men on a mission.

Jason: “I am like ecstatic to do this reveal over there.”

Grant: “Yes. I can’t wait to talk to Paul and see what he thinks. I think he’s gonna blow his mind.”

Jason: “It was a lotta creepy things that happened over here.”

Grant: “Now see – we caught like good evidence but I mean rarely does it corroborate perfectly with what you experience.”

MB: Well, it doesn’t help when you’re faking things, Grant, you nitwit.  Although you’d think it would, if you were doing it correctly.

TM:  Like the DeVille Door?

Jason: “Kicked ass that night. Guess we made the right call by putting a camera in that lighthouse.”

TM: Oops.  I don’t think he’s supposed to imply they were considering not putting a camera in there.

MB: That silly FLIR.

TM: Yeah, that wasn’t the smoothest move ever.  They should have had Jason yelling at Brian about forgetting to put the DVR at the bottom, not the wireless audio at the top.

MB:  Whatever happened to that wireless audio, anyway?

TM:  Maybe the ghost turned it off.  Do you realize that two out of the three pieces of “evidence” are Pilgrim-recorded?

MB:  That must be a record of some sort.

Grant: “Yeah, should’ve put more.” He chortles.

Jason: “Yeah, well – I’m ecstatic. Let’s get over there.” He claps both hands, and looks over at Grant, while driving, in the dark. “Let’s talk to this guy.”

MB: For crying out loud, that’s the third time he’s used the word ecstatic in this episode, and it’s the third time he’s said it without a “c.”

TM: He thinks the word is asstatic. Same root as “asinine.”

Grant: “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Jason: “Hey, Paul. Good to see you again.

Paul: “You, too, Jason.

Grant: “How you been?”

Paul: “Good, good.”

Jason: “Anything strange happen since we’ve been here?”

Paul: “Not since you’ve been here, no. But I‘m interested in seeing what you guys found.”

Jason: “Well, you know what we did. We came here, we listened to the claims of activity that have gone on – um – everything from reports of voices…

Grant: “Yeah – um – the banging of a bucket in the lighthouse – uh – you name it, we tried to catch it all. We set up cameras, audio equipment – we carpeted the place.

MB: Carpeted. I didn’t see any carpeting.

TM: Brian did carry that wireless audio around a lot.

Grant: “One of the things we set about doing was trying to – uh – debunk that bucket in the lighthouse – that drop of the bucket, and we went in and as actually there was a window because of the wind was banging so we secured that window and we also – J. went down and dropped the bucket and we announced it – here’s what the bucket sounds like [crash]. Here’s what the window sounds like [similar crash].”

Jason: “’Cause we wanted to take the two sounds and you know – pretty much put ‘em together and hear how different they were.”

Grant: When it came to debunking, we thought maybe that window had slip [sic]open at times and people think they’re hearing the bucket drop ‘cause they sounded very similar. But we got three things that we wanna show you that we all experienced.”

Paul, who clearly has heard all about it already: “Yeah, I’d love to see it.”

Grant: “Okay. No further ado then.”

Paul: “Okay.”

Jason: “Yeah, me and Grant at this exact time had been chasing something up the stairs and trying to make contact.”

Film crew clip shown of Grant and Jason on stairs.

MB: So after they “carpeted” the place, the only thing they have to show for it is a Pilgrim film clip.

TM: I guess the haunted gift shop didn’t co-operate.

Grant: “Now listen close.”

Jason: “Here.” Grant points, to make sure Paul can’t miss it.

Jason: “Rewind it just a hair.”

Paul: “I thought I heard something.”

Grant: “Right after I say something, it’s there.”

Paul mumbles.

Jason: “No, upon checking it out what it appears to be is a woman saying ‘help me.’”

Paul: “Really?”

Jason: “For whatever reason we’re not sure why she’s asking for help.”

Grant: “Right here, give it another listen.”

Paul: “I feel like…”

Grant: “Right here.”

Jason: “That’s twice.”

Paul: “Twice. Wow.”

Jason: “That’s definitely – that’s a great piece of – you know – audio evidence because there were absolutely no females here. There’s no females from TAPS and you had no females here.”

MB: Females. Jason doesn’t think much of women, does he?

TM: They’re always trying to make him use proper grammar, and pronounce things correctly. Bitches.

Paul: “Yeah.”

Jason: “So.”

Paul: ‘Wow.”

Grant: “Let’s move on. So what you’re looking at here is the stairs going up and here are the landings all stacked.

Paul: “Okay.”

Grant: “Okay? Now you can see some light passing through the stairs.”

Paul: “Mm-hmm.”

Grant: “Okay? Just keep your eye on that.”

In the clip, Dustin is announcing that they’re not going to scare whomever it is they’re pursuing.

TM: I’d be calling for help pursued by TAPS guys, too.

Grant: “You can see something moving on it.”

Paul: “Yeah, I saw something there.”

Grant: “Hold on – it keeps…there it goes. Watch – it’s gonna blast off to the right.”

Paul: “Wow! Yeah, can I see that clip again?”

Jason: “Absolutely.”

Grant: “Of course. It’s like it stopped while they were talking and then continues.”

Paul: “There it is.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Paul: “I can see it. [mumble] Wow. That sent a chill up my spine just now.”

Jason: “So there was something over them and – and it’s funny cause me and Grant were experiencing the same thing. It felt like something was toying with us.”

Paul: “Okay.”

Jason: “But now this next piece of evidence that we’re gonna show you – this is during the time that we were following something and it was like every time we went up the staircase, it would go up the staircase. Now me and Grant are right around here on the staircase

MB: They are not.

TM: Watch out, Paul! Jason’s pants are going to self-combust any second now.

Jason points to half-way up the stairs on the clip that was shot by the DVR camera on January 14.

Jason: “You’re gonna see something up here and you’re gonna see it move. And it’s going to go straight up to the very top in a very very short time.”

Grant: “Okay, you see this thing moving?”

Jason: “Now look – look at the very top.”

Paul: “Was that [laughs] just leaning over right there?”

Jason: “Watch. You’re gonna see it go up two flights of stairs in a matter of a couple seconds. Watch. Boop.”

Grant: “Look at that. Peeking right over at us. It gives me chills right now.”

MB: If it’s not peeking over the rail at Jason and Grant, what is it looking at?

TM: Us! I mean – the camera. Which…makes me a teeny bit suspicious.

MB: But I want this to be real. It’s creepy! It’s fabulous!

TM: It would be, if it were real.

Paul: “Wow. I wanna see that one more time.”

Jason: “Oh, absolutely. There it goes. It moves to the right.”

Paul: “Yep.”

Jason: “And that’s where it will disappear.”

Grant: “There it goes. Poof.”

Paul: “And then it’s gone.”

Jason: “It’s gone. Your motion sensor didn’t pick that up, so I think that that’s a very important thing that you need to understand when it comes down…”

Paul: “You’re sending chills down my spine.”

Grant cackles.

Jason, grinning: “I’m not trying to – I’m just telling you the facts what – you know – I mean…”

Paul: “You know I gotta go in that tower after you guys leave tonight.”

Jason: “I can honestly say – and I don’t say this much – that I do believe that lighthouse to be haunted.”

Grant: “A hundred percent.”

Paul: “Wow.”

Grant: “I mean…”

Paul: “Wow.”

Grant: “I mean this – you can’t ask for any better evidence in my mind what we’ve been through.”

Paul: “I will – I am a skeptic, and uh…”

Jason: “How do you feel now?

Paul: “I think you got me believing now. So how many spirits do you think are in there?”

MB:  How many? What else did we miss?

TM:  Hours and hours of pirates and jilted brides and Indian burial grounds, no doubt.  Thank god.

Jason: “Can’t tell you that. I can tell you that we caught one thing for sure.”

Grant: Now Paul. we don’t wanna just show you this and then say ‘bye’ and hightail it outta here.”

Paul: “Okay.”

Grant: “We wanna give you some advice and that is everyone who worked here has been comfortable here. There’s been stories but no one’s been hurt or harmed or anything like that so there’s no need to be afraid. I mean it is chilling but there’s no need to change behavior – uh – or to get panicked at all.”

Jason: “You ever need anything, just give us a shout.”

MB: That’s a big help.

TM: Selfless. Although it would be even more selfless if they offered Paul copies of the tape at cost to sell in the gift shop.

Paul: “Okay, I definitely will. I mean, thanks a lot.” He laughs.

Jason: “Appreciate it.”

There is the ritual departure shaking of the hands, probably for the third or fourth time.

Paul: “Thanks a lot.”

Paul interviews: “It’s one thing hearing them say they saw something but to actually see the video, it’s got my mind racing right now because that video is pretty conclusive proof that TAPS did catch something. I have to say that I’ve gone onto the other side, that I do believe that there’s something in that lighthouse so…”

Jason and Grant are exulting in the SUV.

Jason: “Well, man – that went awesome.”

Grant: “You had awesome evidence, you had a down-to-earth guy, who was blown away by what we found. I mean it’s…”

MB: I suppose we could say he’s thrilled because they actually caught something.

TM: Or he could be thrilled because he didn’t have to fake anything, or because he did have to fake something and it worked out really really well, or because somebody else had to do the faking and he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore or…

MB:  Enough.

TM:  Okay.

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Ten for ten.”

Jason: “We caught what people have been experiencing there and I think that that’s a huge thing. It helps bring credibility to them and – you know – to the field, of course, and solidifies everything that they’ve been saying.”

MB:  But I thought they caught what people hadn’t been experiencing there.

TM:  Yeah – you don’t want to think about that too long.  It’s like those Magic Eye pictures that make you go cross-eyed.

Grant: “It’s just too bad it’s so far away, man. I’d come back in a heartbeat.”

Jason: “Well, let’s definitely plan on coming back here in the future. And I gotta be honest, the team did really well that night. Brian, Steve and Dustin really did awesome.”

Grant: “They were on their game.”

Jason: “Well, you know what, man? Good job.” He holds his fist out for a fist bump, which is delayed due to Grant looking the other direction, mooning over their coup.

Jason: “On to the next one.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

TM: I dunno.

MB: What?

TM: The lighthouse people don’t think the lighthouse is very haunted before this. They’re pushing the house. TAPS sets up 3 cameras in the house, and one in the lighthouse. That camera captures one figure, or is it two? near the top of the lighthouse. We don’t get to see any footage before the Moment, so we have to take Steve’s word for it there’s nothing amiss before or after.

MB: Steve.

TM: We’re supposed to believe there’s a ghost leaning over the rail on the landing third from the top, which then whisks dramatically up to the top landing and peers over again. And there’s that light, which Steve and Brian are saying can’t be a flashlight because there’s no beam.

MB: Precisely.

TM: But what if a flashlight beam doesn’t register in the infrared light that the scene is shot it? I don’t know how infrared vision reacts to light sources.  But there could be two guys up there – one with a flashlight to disable to motion detector at the top, and one two landings below. And maybe it isn’t even TAPS. Maybe it’s Pilgrim, setting them up. It’s just a little too perfect.

MB: I’m going to start wailing. But what about Brian and Dustin seeing something on the stairs above them. That was filmed. Brian wouldn’t cheat.

TM: That’s a thin thread to hang on, but I’ll give you that. It seems like something did happen. But we don’t know what the timeline is. Assume Brian and Dustin had their experience first, which I’m betting they did. The lighthouse wasn’t supposed to be haunted, so Jason and Grant take the haunted house and send the flunkies to the tower. They get all excited when Brian and Dustin find something. Maybe Pilgrim decides to “enhance” the investigation after that, and upon seeing this, J. and Grant are convinced to pretend to act as if they were chasing the ghost at the time, hence the silly thermal set-up the next night.  They played that Mona Lisa clip of the thing leaning over the rail eight times.  Maybe it was nine.  Compare that to them showing Frank DeAngelis falling down twenty-one times, or the twenty-one runs of that ridiculous apparition at Eastern State Penitentiary.  Why did this get so little attention, hmm?

MB: But – but – but we heard the woman calling for help.  And I thought you thought the Eastern State apparition was “brilliant.”

TM: I was wrong.  And I’m not saying the lighthouse isn’t haunted. Although I still think it could be a combination of hoaxing by TAPS and Pilgrim. I’m just highly skeptical they filmed a real ghost peering over the railing. And again – why would a ghost peer over the railing? Remember, Jason and Grant are chasing the “ghost” up the tower to where the motion detector turns on the night after the film was actually made. So we have no idea if the motion detector was messed with on Saturday night. We just see it working on Sunday night.

MB: Why wouldn’t a ghost peer over a railing? You’re no fun at all.

TM: I just don’t want you pitching a fit if someone manages to prove it was all hooey. You got really ugly over Race Rock.

MB: Allow me a little bone here.

TM: Okay, TAPS has proof positive ghosts exist! They filmed a ghost peering over a stair railing at the St. Augustine Lighthouse. The perennial question of whether there is an afterlife has been solved, by fake plumbers from Warwick and their estimable t.v. crew.

MB: Jeezum crow. When you put it that way…

TM: Sorry.

MB: Cripes.   I guess it’s just as well.

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recarp St. Augustine Lighthouse, episode 19 of the second season of the putative reality show Ghost Hunters, in which a couple of fake plumbers continue their attempts to become paranormal answer to Penn and Teller.

MB:  Hey – what did you do to that lighthouse?

TM:  I shortened it, for Steve and his acrophobia.

MB:  How thoughtful.

So it’s been a while since we’ve done this.  The Talking Mongoose has been nagging me (Mme. Blahblatsky, the default secretary of the Ouija Board), insinuating that we are missing out on some fabu stuff by abandoning ship in the middle of the second season.  There’s no way I’m going to continue to transcribe every single asinine episode, but I’ve consented to do a few select ones.  The Talking Mongoose promises this one makes up for the other lighthouse episodes.

TM:  I did not.  I said it might.

MB:  I thought there was going to be a real ghost!

TM:  I don’t know. Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who can tell?

MB:  There’d better be.

Disclaimer: Sole proprietorship and full blame for the quoted dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Films & Television, Inc., who saw fit to disseminate it on the public airwaves. We still think they’ve got an illegal dump for the out-takes  somewhere off Block Island.

Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS hunts for spirits in Florida’s oldest lighthouse. Will Steve’s fear of heights hamper the investigation? And what has the team frantically running up the stairs?

There is a lot of fast-cut commotion.  Then Brian issues the singular judgment:  “This is the Mona Lisa of all paranormal activity.”

MB:  Well, that’s all I need. I’m in.

TM:  I told you so.

The old credits roll, with everyone trying to look extra-dashing and earnest.

TM: Look! Donna is still the case manager.

MB: And Brian has been reduced to a mere investigator, but why is Dave still an investigator-in-training when he’s the only one who figured out the Queen Mary hoax?

TM: That would be why!

MB: Oh. Look.  Race Rock Lighthouse, when we were all younger and stupider.

TM: I miss those days.

MB: Me, too.

There are big snowbanks in front of the TAPS storefront in Warwick.

TM: You’d think Warwick was in the Yukon, they use that same damn snowbank shot so much.

MB: They were probably very proud of that snowbank in Warwick.

Jason: “So are you guys ready? St. Augustine, Florida. Nice lighthouse out there.”

Grant: “The warm weather?”

Dustin, Brian and Steve are lined up in chairs facing Donna, Grant and Jason.  They all look like they feel as foolish as they look.

Jason: “There is a lot of history to this lighthouse, a lot of the locals talk about it being haunted. Donna’s actually got a bunch of information on it.”

Donna: “Basically – uh – the history of the lighthouse – it was built in 1871, completed in 1874. It has some tragedy attached to it. A man hung himself – one of the caretakers hung himself on the front porch. People think that they hear footsteps and little girls running up and down the stairs, and they’ve heard the female voice of the 12-year old girl calling out so there’s a lotta – a lotta history and events attached to this lighthouse.”

TM: Oh, hey – I looked this up. Nobody hanged himself.

MB: Well, maybe not technically. Maybe he hung over the railings. People often do that on porches. Although – most lighthouses don’t have porches.

TM: It’s the house. The house is the thing that’s supposed to be haunted. Or it was. These days they only talk about the tower. All because of this.

MB: This?

TM: Episode 219.  Ghost Hunters is largely responsible for the homogenization of ghost stories on the internet, you know.  Repeating the same tired stuff over and over and over…

MB:  Like we’re doing?

TM:  Never mind.  Carry on.

Jason: “Yeah, I know a lot of the locals talk about it being the most haunted place in St. Augustine. We’ve got a heck of ride ahead of us.” He chuckles. Heads bob all around.

MB: Did you know that St. Augustine is the oldest continuously inhabited city of European settlement in the continental United States?

TM: Yes.

MB: Did you know that the datil pepper was…

TM:   The foundation of the famous St. Augustine hot sauce Dat’l Do It!  Yes.

MB: Oh, for god’s sake.  We’re not providing free advertising here.

TM:  Datil peppers are “rare and elusive,” quite like ghosts, so I would think datil hot sauce is a worthy cause, unlike certain paranormal societies.

MB:  You just want a free gift basket.  You’d have to blog about hot sauce all the time.  And then you’d have to declare it as income.

TM: Forget it, then.  Wait – do bloggers earn money?

MB:  Certainly not!  We do it for…  You know, we really need to keep moving here.

Donna: “Well, I’m really jealous but I can’t go with you guys.”

Jason: “Don’t worry about us guys. We’ll have a blast.” ha ha ha all around.

Donna: “You have a good time.”

Grant: “Thanks, Donna.”

Jason: “Let’s go.”

Jason interviews outside the office: “We have a tech department that we’re running out of the downstairs here so…”

So they’re not ready to go before Steve and Brian pay a visit to the basement equipment wizard.

Ron in the basement: “Hey, Steve. How’s it goin’?”

Jason: “We got Ron Milione who’s heading that up. He’s an inventor and he’s been building equipment suited to our needs.”

TM: Now there’s an opening.

MB: I expect they’ve got him working on a trumpet that floats.

TM: Or a remote-controlled tambourine.

MB:  Or an electronic ouija board.

TM:  Already got it.

Ron in the basement: “The latest thing that I have would be a portable Geiger counter system.”

TM: Okay, I didn’t see that one coming.

MB: Aren’t Geiger counters usually portable?

TM: If they aren’t, Ron probably doesn’t need to be working in the basement of TAPS anymore.

Ron Milione, Research and Development interviews: “We got some big new cases happening – uh – he wanted to do – is expand some new equipment.”

Ron in the basement: “It’s pretty simple.”

Steve: “Tell us about these things, Ron.”

He pretends the Geiger counter is a microphone.  Ron is justifiably not amused.

Ron: “Take the cap off, first. Turn the power on.”

Steve interviews: “A lot of scientists think that a Geiger counter would be useful in paranormal research because one of the theories out there is that paranormal phenomena or ghosts or spirits does [sic] emit some sort of radioactive detectable frequency.”

TM: One of the theories out there.

MB: Where?

TM: I don’t know. Some alternate universe that Steve visits, apparently.

MB: Oh, yeah – the one where the fear of ghosts is perfectly rational because they’re radioactive.

TM: Some ghosts glow, don’t they? Although I always thought that was more of a nontoxic glow-in-the-dark kind of thing. Like my X-Files t-shirt.

MB: Oh, yeah, and these must be the same ghosts that they’re expecting to pick up on the thermal imaging camera because they’re shedding hot radioactive isotopes!

TM: You got it. And I thought I was the scientific one.

MB: Jeezum crow.  Radioactive ghosts.  I thought they’d given up on this after Altoona.

TM:  No, it was Mike Dion’s Geiger counter at the New Bedford Armory that Brian was showing Steve how to zero-ize.  They gave up on night-vision goggles after Altoona.

MB:  OMG – for use in zero lux!  I’d forgotten that.  And zero-ize.  It’s so much more fun when Brian’s around.

Ron: “So what that’s doin’ right now – we measure some background radiation.”

Ron and Brian hold their sensors to Steve’s head.

Ron: “I got some real radioactive sources here.”

Steve: “Petroleum?”

Ron: “Uranium.”

Steve: “Uranium.”

Ron: “Uranium.”

There’s a rattley whirr coming out of the Geiger counters.

Brian, gleeful: “It’s acting crazy.”

MB: They’ve got uranium in the TAPS basement.

TM: Wait, can we go back to the petroleum?

MB: Best not.

Ron: “You hear that? And once that tone starts getting louder and louder, you get into a concentrated area of maybe some entity out there.”

Brian: “Okay.”

Steve: “And then we melt.”

Ron: “You got something active right there, so you zero in on it.”

Steve: “So as soon as we get a Geiger reading, or an EMF reading, it’s time to do EVP, time to take pictures, time to…”

Ron: “Yeah, exactly. The cool thing about all the devices is now we can take all the data that we capture – we can really focus on getting closer to an answer about this paranormal activity.”

MB: Oh, dear.  More useless data to store.

TM:  It can go right next to all the hours and hours of video tapes of nothing.  Didn’t they have an archivist once?

MB:  I think so.  The poor thing probably had a nervous breakdown ages ago.

Ron sends Steve and Brian off with their handy new portable Geiger counters.

The doors on the black caravan slam shut. An instant of road flashing by, and bang! It’s the “Welcome to Florida the Sunshine State” sign.   The editors aren’t wasting valuable time on the road.

Grant: “At least it’s warm down here, right?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Palm trees pass.

Grant: “58 degrees compared to 20.”

TM: 20.

MB: Poo. 20 is a heat wave.

TM: 58 is what you keep your house, Mme!

MB: Tropical, then.

Brian and Steve are traveling in the van.

Brian: “See the drawbridge?”

Steve: “Yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

TM: Drawbridges are cool. We don’t have enough of them.

MB: We don’t have enough moats, either. I don’t know why moats went out of style.

Jason on walkie-talkie: “Make sure you take a left over the drawbridge.”

Dustin is in the back seat behind Jason.

Dustin: “Does this place have power? I remember the other one didn’t have power.”

TM: The other one.

MB: This is like the third lighthouse they’ve done. They could do a whole season of nothing but lighthouses.

TM: What is it with lighthouses?

MB: Well, I have a theory…

TM:  If it involves stairs, I’ve heard it.

MB:  Well!  Okay then.

TM:  On this 10-most-haunted-lighthouses list, St. Augustine is the 8th most haunted, but on this one, it’s the 6th.

MB:  It’s 8th in front of Ledge Lighthouse as 9th, and there’s no 10th.

TM:  And Ledge Lighthouse isn’t on the second one at all.  Silly internet. I thought they were better at copying each other by now.

Jason: “Yeah, there’s actually power here.”

Grant: “Bathrooms?”

Jason: “Yes, there’s bathrooms.”

Grant chortles: “Sweet.”

TM: Is it just me, or do you think he is happier than he needs to be about bathrooms?

MB: I don’t know. I like to have bathrooms nearby at all times, too. It’s not like he’s going to use it to thread strings through his jacket, is it?

TM: Tch. I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.

MB: I’m not. I said he wasn’t.

Steve on walkie-talkie: “Is it both patrons and employees who say they experience things?”

MB: I wonder if they still get filmed having these distracting radio conversations while driving one-handed now.

TM:  We’d have to watch new episodes to find out.

MB:  Forget it.

Jason: “People have been camping around here and they’ve come in the next day and asked who lives there because they heard people talking so even visitors have experienced a lot of things.”

Steve: “That’s good. So we may have a good probability of capturing something.”

Grant: “This lighthouse – how is it different from other ones?”

Jason: “It’s really tall.”

TM: Me! I know! It’s striped!

MB: It’s in Florida.

TM: You can’t fish from it.   Unless you’re hoping for squirrel.

Grant: “Okay.” He chortles obediently.  “Yeah, the ones we’ve been to haven’t been that tall.”

Jason: “Tall.” He points to the tower, to reinforce his thesis.

MB:  I think we’d better see the tower au naturel, in order to appreciate Jason’s nuanced description.

TM:  Oh, all right. 

MB:  Ooh.  Poor Steve.

Grant: “Gosh. There it is right there.”

Jason: “It’s tall.”

Grant: “It’s beautiful.”

Jason: “And that’s the house right in front of it.”

Grant: “Ah. That’s weird. You got like a lighthouse in the middle of [?] on the coast.”

MB: I’m not sure I understand why St. Augustine needs a lighthouse.  Does it look like ships are going to crash here in the middle of town?

TM: Well, let’s say you’re cruising off-shore in your shrimp boat, and you want to go to the Cracker Barrel Restaurant in St. Augustine. How are you going to know you aren’t going to end up at the Cracker Barrel in Daytona Beach instead, were it not for the lighthouse?

MB: Shrimp boat?  And you’re not allowed to make cracks about crackers in Florida, because you’re a foreigner.

TM: Applebee’s then. IHOP. Whatever.

MB: I see your point. It’s a locational beam.

TM: Exactly. The pirates didn’t want to cruise up and down the coast looking for places to pillage.

MB: Pirates?

TM: Like Ponce De Leon.

MB: Ah! Who claimed the entire continent right here.

TM: Did you know he was 4’-11”?

MB: That explains a lot. The Indians should have squished him like a bug.

TM: Someone taller would have come along anyway. Hey, remember that X-Files episode where Mulder escaped from an office retreat and got trapped under the Everglades by leaf monsters who were actually conquistadors who drank from the Fountain of Youth?

MB: I thought they were mothmen.

TM: Yeah, that ep was a mess.

Jason: “You can see the water. You can definitely see the water. [mumble]”

They grunt as they get out of the cars. Someone whistles. “Wow.”

Jason: “That’s a tall building.”

MB: Well, I think it’s been established that this is a tall lighthouse.

TM:  I think my version is cuter.

Steve interviews: “Your first reaction when you see something like that – having a fear of heights – is uh – you know – I’m not doing it and uh – you know I did tell Jason and Grant if you guys – you know there’s no way I can get up there and investigate that. My first response was definitely there’s no way I can go up there.”

Grant: “All the activity is at the very top.”

Steve: “Are you serious?”

Grant: “No, I’m just kidding.”

Everyone chortles.

Jason: “All right, whyn’t you two start getting the equipment ready. Steve, let’s go in.”

MB: You’d think he could afford some treatment by now.

TM: The TAPS health insurance plan specifically excludes mental illnesses.

MB:  I wonder if they get workman’s comp if a ghost pushes them down the stairs.

The Investigation

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Saturday 5:33 PM

Paul: “Hi, guys.”

Jason: “I’m Jason.”

Grant: “Grant. How you doin’?”

Paul: “Nice to meet you, Grant.”

Steve: “Steve. Hey.”

Paul: “Steve, nice to meet you.”

Paul Wenglowsky, Director of Education interviews: “I don’t know what TAPS is going to find but hopefully Jason and Grant can answer our questions if there are spirits here at the lighthouse.”

“Wow.”

There is another view of the very tall tower.

Steve: “We’re gonna need a lot of cord to get up there.”

MB: We?

Paul: “It’s the eighth tallest lighthouse in the entire United States. While they were building this lighthouse there was some tragedy involved. The – uh – supervisor that was in charge, Hezekiah Pittee, moved his entire family down here while they were building the lighthouse, and in order to get the supplies up from the beach, they had a hand rail car type system. Now his children would love to get into the railcar and ride it down, and one day unfortunately the brakes failed and the car plunged into the ocean. Two of his daughters – Mary and Eliza did drowned [sic].”

TM: Let’s not mention the third poor little girl, because she was probably a maid. Maids don’t count.

MB: Excuse me?

TM: I’m being sarcastic. They don’t even remember her name.

MB: Pity.

TM: Nope. Something else.

MB: Eh.

Grant: “Jeez.”

Paul: “Let’s go in.”

Grant: “Wow. It’s beautiful.”

Paul: “It’s only 219 steps.”

Steve: “Yeah. Only?”

Grant: “We’ll take a picture.”

Jason: “Ready for this, Steve?”

Steve: “I’ll go up as high as I can.”

Jason laughs.

Paul: “Guys ready? Here we go.”

They start climbing upwards.

Steve interviews: “I didn’t really want to investigate in the lighthouse. I told J. and Grant that – you know – Dustin and Brian do that if they need someone else.”

TM: But look at that. There he goes.

MB: Oh, sure. He goes up now. Wait until it’s time to run those extension cords, or retrieve them. Then we’ll have to get out the smelling salts.

The climbing has become plodding.

Paul: “It’s approximately a hundred feet in the air right now, guys.”

Jason: “How you doin’, Steve?”

Steve grunts, as he presses himself to the tower wall, away from the open stair rail.

TM: It’s not like you to make fun of people with disabilities.

MB: Humph. I’m not sure I believe this one so much anymore. If it were that bad, should he be keeling over right now and clutching his chest?

Paul: “Now at this landing up here has been spectivity [sic]. This bucket simulates the weight of oil that the lighthouse keepers would have to carry.”

There’s a large metal bucket in front of a large photo of a former light keeper, with a sign that says “Try our hand again at “Toting the oil.””

TM: Here, Mme. I copied this for you. It’s the label on that sign:

“Each night the light keeper would stand vigil to the needs of the lighthouse, tending to the light burning in the tower and winding the clockwork to rotate the lens every two and a half hours. The keeper would heat the fuel in this room and then carry it up the 219 steps of the tower five gallons at a time. Try lifting the fuel bucket the keeper used. It held five gallons of fuel, and weighed about 30 pounds. Now imagine that you are carrying the bucket as you climb the 219 steps to the top of the tower. What might you do to make this task easier?”

MB: Ha! I’d claim acrophobia and make the assistant light keeper do it!

TM: It was lard, too.  Melted.  That’s a lot of pie crust.

MB: No wonder this place is haunted.

Paul: “And people inside the tower have heard it been picked up [he picks it up] and dropped.”

Paul drops the bucket, producing a huge reverberating clang.

Grant: “Can’t miss that.”

Paul: “No. That goes through the entire tower.”

The editors splice in someone we have never seen and will never see again.

Allan Studer, Retired Lighthouse Guide interviews: “Just as I was going up to the top of the tower there was a very long, delayed, drawn-out groaning sound that just emanated from the interior of the tower.”

TM:  That certainly adds to – wait.  What does that add?

MB:  Atmosphere.  It is the clanking of chains before the spectre appears.  Dragging its hot lard bucket.

The metal stairs rattle loudly as the group forges on.

Paul: “Right now you’re standing at a hundred forty feet up in the air.”

They have gone through a doorway, and are outside at the tippy-top of the lighthouse, with a lovely view of the Atlantic Ocean.

Jason: “All right, Steve?”

Steve has remained in the stairwell, probably leaning against the wall with his hands clamped over his eyes.

MB:  If we are to believe him.

Steve: “Yeah, I’ll be right there, guys.”   He peeks out briefly.

Grant: You stayin’ in there, Steve?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Steve interviews: “I was able to get all the way to the top of the lighthouse. I wasn’t gonna go outside though. Once you get up there, there’s a viewing tower, that viewing stoop, where you can look down and there was no way I was gonna go on there, and J. knows when to push me appropriately and when not to push me appropriately, and he let me stay back in inside so it was good.”

TM: See how brave he is?

MB: Pft. Yeah. He’s a hero.

Paul: “Every evening the closing person will close that door and padlock it. Numerous times the opening person will come in, come all the way up to the top, the door’ll be open, unlocked, and the alarm in the tower has not gone off.”

Jason: “All right.”

Grant: “Has that been investigated by the alarm company?”

Paul: “It has been, but nothing has tripped the motion sensors or anything causing the alarm to go off. People have also seen either a woman in white or a little girl in period dress up at the top of the tower during severe storms.”

We miss out on Steve whimpering and crying all the way down the 219 stairs, because suddenly they are outside, at the base of the tower.

MB: See, we don’t actually know how he behaved on the way down. He could have skipped down whistling the William Tell Overture, for all we know.

Jason: “All right. From here we’re headin’ into the house out there?”

Paul: “From here we’re gonna head into the house and this is where the lighthouse keeper lived. Now the room that you’re entering right now is the parlor – what would have been the parlor room for the lighthouse keepers.”

The group heads for a two-story house across the way.

Jason: “Now what kind of activity goes on in here?”

Paul, smiling: The last lighthouse keeper, James Piffin (?), when he was inside this house he heard footsteps. Lights would turn on and off, uh – he heard voices, so he refused to sleep in this house. Instead, he slept in a little Coast Guard bungalow. I’m going to take you downstairs now.”

They descend to the basement, via another spiral stair.

Grant: “Can you handle this one, Steve?”

TM:  Burn!  The weasel gets mean!

Steve: “Yeah, this will do.”

Paul: “Now the basement is where the majority of the activity has been found.”

Grant: “Anything in this room right here?”

Paul ignores him.

Paul: “Now in that room over there our executive director, of all people, saw an image of a man walk past. She called out to him, and when she walked in here, there was nobody there. And other people have also reported seeing a man walking in that area.”

Grant: “People ever report any details about the guy that walks around?”

Paul: “They know it’s a male, and it looks to be a uniform that he’s wearing.”

Grant: “Maybe this guy slides across.” He points to a cardboard cut-out of a British Revolutionary War soldier. There is obliging chortling from all, despite the fact that it is not in the least funny.

Paul: “Exactly.”

TM: I think that’s the same cardboard cut-out that’s in this video.

MB: Well, that is just truly lame. But it’s a lot funnier than Grant.

Jason: “Thanks, Paul. We really appreciate the tour. What we’re gonna do now is set up all the equipment in all the different areas and – uh – start investigating.”

It’s dark now.

Paul: “Well, good luck!”

MB: Heh. I like Paul.

TM: Me, too.  But we always like the clients.  It’s partly the contrast with creepy TAPS.

MB:  Oh.  Yeah.

Paul interviews: “I’m not a so-called believer in the paranormal. I’d like to be proven wrong so I hope TAPS finds some evidence that I am proven wrong. Being a man of science, I need those cold, hard facts.”

MB: Go, Paul.

The Investigation

St. Augustine Lighthouse

Saturday 7:37 PM

Grant, Steve and Jason find Brian and Dustin slouching in porch chairs.

Grant: “There they are.”

Jason: “What’s goin’ on?”

TM: I think the answer to that is nothing!

MB: Ghost Hunters is a lot of nothing.

TM: “Waiting for Ghost Hunters.”   Haven’t we seen that one before?  Brian is Estragon.

MB:  Yeah, but not with Dustin.   Steve has to be Vladimir.

TM:  And here are Pozzo and Lucky!

Grant: “Gentlemen.”

Jason: “A little cool for Florida, huh?”

Dustin has his hands firmly tucked into the pockets of his hoodie.

TM: Yeah, it’s probably down to 55 by now.

MB: 56 is my cut-off for balmy. He’s allowed to be cold.

Dustin interviews: “We’re looking for a couple of things tonight. Reports of people talking inside the lighthouse, shadowy figures in the basement, so. If we get everything set up then we just gotta see what we’ll catch.”

Jason: “Well, we got a lot of room to cover tonight.”

Dustin: “Where’re we settin’ up base?”

Steve: “We’re setting up right in the main building.”

Grant: “So how we gonna cover the actual tower itself – the lighthouse?”

Jason: “I’m thinkin’ the best thing to do is have a camera at the bottom shooting all the way up – one of the big – uh – DVR cameras.”

Brian: “Show me where they go and we’ll be going.”

Jason: “Okay, let’s do it. I think it’s gonna be a real good investigation. It’s gonna be a tough set-up but once we get it all set up and start goin’ – uh – everything will fall into place.”

MB: How much of our lives have we wasted listening to this drivel?  No, don’t answer that.

TM: They may not have captions for the hearing-impaired, but they certainly are generous with the verbal explications for the dumb.

MB:  And I actually write them down.

Brian, staring at the stairs, sighs: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – at about four levels up we’ll run the wireless audio.” He starts running up the stairs. “Like Rocky. All right. Now we’ll put the wireless audio right here. Learned my lesson with other places with steel that if you put it on the steel itself the reverberation of your voice make everybody sound like a robot. So I gotta make sure it dangles off so it doesn’t hit that metal and doesn’t’ reverberate like that.”

MB: Brian sounds much more intelligent when he’s on his own.

TM: Everything’s relative.

He ends up back at “base,” where Jason is lolling around, idle as usual.

Jason: “Hey, Brian – is the wireless audio up?”

Brian, peeved: “Yeah. It’s about the fifth or fourth floor.”

Jason: “I didn’t say halfway up. I wanted to get it as high as possible.”

Brian: “Yeah?”

Jason: “Cause there’s been reports of sounds [here he laughs witheringly, to indicate the measure of Brian's folly] up near the top.”

Brian: “Well then – tell Steve that ‘cause he told me halfway up.”

Jason: “All right, well – get it up top for me. Okay, thanks.”

Brian interviews: “We’re having a little problem with the wireless audio. Steve told me to put it up half – about half-way so I put it up more than half-way, about three-fourths of the way.”

Brian goes to fuss with equipment, as Steve looks on.

Steve: “What’re you gonna do?”

Brian: “I’m gonna go to the top floor now and put the wireless audio.”

Steve:  “Why?”

Brian: “J. wanted it all the way up.”

Steve: “He wants it all the way up at the top.”

Brian, peeved: “Yeah.”

Brian interviews: “So I go all the way back up there, went up to the top floor, come all the way back down…”

Brian enters “base,” now occupied by the idle Grant: “How you doin’?”

Grant: “Did you check the battery in there?”

Brian: “Yeah, I checked everything.”

Grant laughs, skeptical: “Cause it’s – we’re not pickin’ anything up.”

Brian: “Really?”

Grant: “No. We had it and it cut out. Look. I got – I just recorded there and then it stopped. So I stopped it.”

Brian: “Aw. You gotta be kidding me.” He sighs.

Brian continues his interview: “Grant said it’s not working anymore so then I had to go all the way back there and make sure the battery was working and everything else was on and the battery was on and the battery was not drained. Came all the way back down.”

MB: See how convenient a fear of heights can be?

TM: Are you implying Steve is faking it???

MB: I’m just making a logical observation.

TM: Okay, Mr. Spock.

Brian in scene: “Well, it better be working now ‘cause if it’s not I’m not going back up there.”

Grant: “It was – it was working but it’s coming in fuzzy. How far up the tower is it?”

Brian: “All the way.”

Grant: “Well, no wonder we’re gettin’ crappy signals. It’s at the top.”

Brian: “Well, that’s great. I’m not goin’ back and changing it.”

Grant: “Then there’s no point in recording.”

Brian interviews: “And Grant said it was not workin’ – it was very tinny. So most likely it was the steel inside the building itself not letting the wireless feed go back and forth to the transmitter.”

Grant: “All right. Well, at the top is not gonna work so we gotta put it back.”

MB: Aaaaaagh! WE! Again!  Poor Brian.

Brian huffs and puffs his way back up the stairs.

MB: Really, this is cruel and unusual.

TM: Eh, he’s enjoying it.  Sometimes it’s fun to be the victim.

Brian interviews: “So then I had to go back to the top of the lighthouse, put it back on the bench that I originally had it on, and it’s working fine now, so. I did about 800 stairs in the last half an hour so, and everything – my legs are all wobbly.”

TM: It’s actually more like 1400 stairs.

MB: See?

TM: But it’s not like he’s carrying 30 pounds of hog fat.

Jason: “All right, so – we got wireless, we got digital recorder…”

Brian: “Oh, we got wireless all right.”

Jason: “Eh – the camera’s all set to go, so let’s – kill the lights. Lights out.”

There is a crashing of chords as someone hits the switches. Darkness descends.

Basement

Light Keeper’s House

Brian: “So what’s supposed to happen down here, Steve?”

Steve: “Down here, Brian, is where they hear a lot of noises and they see black shadows. In this hallway here and in this room they’ve seen supposedly apparition in soldier uniform.”

Brian: “Well, let’s sit back and relax and we’ll find out.”

Steve: “You have EVP going?”

Brian: “Mm-hmm.”

Steve: “Sweet. Could you please tell us your name?”

Grant interviews: “EVP stands for electronic voice phenomena. This is a phenomena [sic] that happens very frequently. It’s when we capture voice on recording device [sic] that you don’t hear with the human ear at the time.”

MB:  Human ear, as opposed to dog ear, or your third eye.  I wish Grant just once could get out a half-way intelligible definition of EVP in two sentences.

TM:  Maybe he could memorize the Wikipedia one.

Brian: “Are you one of the three girls that died? In this area? When we go on a case for an investigation we wanna get scientific proof of an actual ghost. I wanna sit there with a camera and watch the ghost walk through the room. Even if I feel it and Steve feels it and Jason feels it, if there’s no seeing it on the cameras, there’s no proof.”

TM: Some would say that seeing it on TAPS cameras is also no proof.

Steve: “If you’ve passed, why are you still here?”

Dustin: “What the hell is that?”

Brian: “Did that sound like a girl?”

Dustin: “Yeah, it sounds like a guy and then a woman.”

Brian: “There’s no woman in it _?”

The guys are creating something of a hubbub, and are milling around in the dark.

Steve: “Ssh. Ssh. What was that?”

Brian: “What the hell was that?”

Dustin: “Did you hear that?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Dustin: “That was weird.”

Steve: “Where’d it come from?”

Brian: “It sounded like it came from inside that thing.”

Dustin: “No, I was standing right there. It sounded like it came from somewhere over this way.”

Steve: “All right. Let’s go.”

TM: I don’t think they should allow any three TAPS underlings to investigate together. They just make each other hysterical.

MB: I want to see Steve look for cold spots again.

Steve interviews: “When Brian, Dustin and I were in the basement investigating – uh – all three of us thought we heard a female voice, and there are no females with us investigating.”

Steve in scene: “Does it sound like it’s coming from anything?”

Dustin: “No, it sounded like it was coming from somewhere over here.”

Steve interviews: “We looked around and we couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.”

MB: Well, so much for that.

TM: You see? Useless.

MB: Where are the EMF meters? The Geiger counters?

TM: Perhaps they’re saving them for the witching hour. It’s going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, in the tower, Jason and Grant are preparing their assault.

Jason: “All right – the thermal. We’ll do a walk-through.”

Lighthouse Tower

9:25 PM

Jason: “I say we set this up so it just shoots up while we’re walking.”

Grant: “Okay.”

Jason interviews: “When Grant and I headed into the lighthouse we decided that we were going to set the thermal camera at the bottom pointing straight up.”

MB:  I thought Jason told Brian and Steve to set up one of the big DVR cameras here.

TM:  Ha.  He did.

MB:  So why…

TM:  The plot may be thickening.  Or not.  Just saying.

Jason in scene: “All right, lemme see that monitor so I can see what I’m shooting at.”

He messes with his camera at the bottom of the stairs.

Jason interviews: “It being stationary would be able to catch anything that might lean over the railing or any change in temperature.”

MB: And why are they expecting something to be leaning over the railing?

TM: Aha! I don’t know, but I have an idea.

Grant: “That’s good. All right. Let’s go up. I wanna get up to that bucket so we can just get the sound of that bucket.”

Grant interviews: “One of the claims of the lighthouse was that there was a bucket that would raise up and slam into the ground and make just a huge noise.”

Jason interviews: “Grant and I are gonna see if we can debunk the sounds of the metal bucket.”

MB: He seems to be trying with that “me and Grant” thing. I wonder if his third-grade teacher got in touch with him on Facebook.

Grant in scene: “Well, look right here.”

Jason: “You got a window.”

Jason interviews: “We found a window being held shut by a sandbag.”

Grant in scene slams the window with a clang: “If the wind hit that…”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “You wanna drop that bucket?”

Jason: “Yeah, I gotcha.”

He picks up and drops the bucket, which results in a very loud metallic crash.

Jason: “Holy crap.”

Grant: “All right. Here’s the window. You ready?” He slams the window in its frame.

Jason: “It’s pretty close.”

Grant: “Wanna do the bucket again?”

More crashing.

Grant: “Window.” Another slam, which does indeed sound almost identical.

Grant interviews: “We debunked the sound of the bucket. We found that the window slamming makes almost exactly the same sound.”

TM: Okay, for once they’ve done it right.

MB: Big deal.

TM: You’re bitter.

MB: I am bitter. I am cowslip leaves in June. I am dandelion greens in August.   It will always be too little, too late now.  Forever.

TM:  You need a new hobby.

Jason: “Let’s go down a level or two.”

Light Keeper’s Bedroom

3 Hrs. into investigation

Steve interviews: “We’re gonna investigate the entire living quarters, especially where the bedrooms were. That’s where most of the activity happens and that’s where I think we have our best chances of finding something.”

Steve in scene: “If there’s anybody in here, please tell us your name. We understand there is a light keeper here that you’re finding quite a bit and you wouldn’t sleep in here. We’d like to see what made him so scared.”

MB: Has he been swilling down beer or something? Because that is gibberish.  And I got it right, too.

TM:  He’s still light-headed from the tower.

Steve interviews: “I didn’t really want to investigate the lighthouse – uh – because I do have a fear of heights. I’m afraid of a lot of things. Um – I don’t like spiders, I don’t like heights, I don’t like flying. It seems to me that the one thing I’m not afraid of is ghosts.”

TM:  Except when Blinky looked like he was going to cry at the Lighthouse Inn.

MB:  And you think I’m mean about Steve.

Steve in scene: “This is a Geiger counter. It detects radioactivity. Can you give us a sign of your presence? Would you please show yourself? Is there anybody here with me that would like to communicate? Perhaps make a noise?”

The Geiger counter starts chirping.

TM: Ack – look!

MB: What’s it reacting to?

TM: If it isn’t gamma rays from a UFO, there could be a potato truck passing by. Or somebody could be having a banana and cocoa in the next room.

Steve: “Well, that’s a little weird. That’s a little more of what you’re lookin’ for when you – when you think of – a reading from this Geiger counter. So that was a nice little spike we had there. This Geiger counter’s great and works appropriately. I’m not quite sure how this is going to – uh – fit into – you know – our arsenal of tools, but I’m sure we’ll make good use for it.”

TM: Yeah.  Sure.

MB: He sure likes the word “appropriately” a lot.  I think it’s the inner prig talking.

TM:  There.  I only called him Blinky.

Back at the tower, the FLIR camera monitor screen indicates it is 1/15/06 11:41:10 and the temperature is currently 49.6 degrees.

MB: January 15, 2006 is a Sunday, by the way. I made a point of looking that up for you.

TM: Why, thank you.

Jason and Grant are still fumbling around in the dark, climbing the lighthouse tower stairwell.

Grant: “You gonna be all right in here?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Watch this step here.”

Level 2

Lighthouse Tower

11:38 PM

Grant: “All right. Here’s the wireless audio.”

They are on one of the stair landings, somewhere  half-way up the tower.

Jason: “Yeah. Sweet. Let’s just listen.”

Grant: “Okay.”

There is some faint human-sounding babble in the background, somewhere.

Grant, whispering: “Do you hear talking?”

Grant interviews: “Jason and I, we started hearing some weird noises, and we decided to just be quiet and listen and see what we could hear.”

Grant in scene: “Hellooo. Okay, so it’s not an echo.”

Jason: “Anybody here?”

We seem to hear voices, but there’s so much extraneous noise from the damn soundtrack guy, it could be anything. Jason looks at Grant.

Jason: “Did you hear footsteps? That sounds like a girl’s voice.”

The Investigation

St Augustine Lighthouse

Saturday, 11:57 PM

Grant: “Hellooo.”

Jason: (again) “It sounds like a girl’s voice.”

Level 2 Lighthouse Tower

5 hrs. into investigation

Grant nods.

Grant: “I hear a man, then a girl.”

Jason interviews: “When me and Grant were in the lighthouse we could hear steps and voices coming from above us. There was something there and it was moving. It kept us on the move.”

Jason in scene: “Hellooo.” He whispers: “There’s like a conversation.”

MB:  It kind of does.

TM:  Maybe.

Grant: “Totally.”

Jason interviews: “We’d actually hear conversations. It would sound like a man talking to a woman, uh – sometimes a woman talking to a child.”

Grant: “You can totally hear someone just chattering.”

They both are looking up the stairwell intently.

Grant interviews: “It was very clear to us there were voices so we tried to follow them up the tower.”

A minor ruckus breaks out.

Someone – Jason?: “Holy shit! All the way up, all the way up! Did you see it?”

MB:  I don’t think this voice sounds like either Jason or Grant.

TM:  A crew member breaking silence?  Hmm.

MB:  Out of shock?

TM:   That would be interesting.

Grant: “What’s up there, dude?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “Did you see that?”

Jason: “It was like it walked by the window.”

Grant: “It totally blocked out the window. Right there. It did it again.”

Jason: “I don’t think we’re alone.”

Jason interviews: “We were able to witness a shadow back up under a set of lights – just floated, just floated right up against the wall, kept on going.”

Grant: “What is that?”

Jason: “There it is.”

Grant: “I saw something look down at us. Oh, my god! Did you see it, too?”

Nothing is discernible.

Jason: “It looked just like some dude was just looking right over the railing.”

Grant: “Yeah.”

Grant interviews: “Jason and I saw a figure lean over the railing at us not more than ten feet away from us.”

We sure don’t get to see that, unfotunately.

Jason: “Wait. Do this. Hold this light right here. Make sure nothing goes up those stairs. Hold it. Don’t move it. Keep it right there.”

Grant interviews: “We saw something move in and out of the light, and – uh – Jason wanted to intercept it so I had the light on the stairs to make sure nothing came off the landing.”

Someone: “Hey, it went up another flight!”

MB:  Again, I can’t tell whose voice that is.

TM:  No, that’s Grant.  And I don’t see a bloody thing.

Jason: “Another flight?”

Grant: “It went up and around.”

Grant interviews: “I saw something come off the landing and swoop up the staircase.”

Grant in scene: “You’d see it now, dude.”

Jason, half-whisper: “There’s nothin’.”

Grant: “It was – it should be right on this landing right here.”

Jason: “Ain’t nothing.”

Grant: “This is really some _?”

Grant interviews: “I was watching the staircase the whole time and uh – nothing came off that other floor above him. He would have come and run right into it.”

Grant in scene: “You all right?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “I watched it – walk right on the stairs, right on _?”

Jason: “Mm hmm.”

Grant: “Right here. Right – these stairs.”

In between Grant’s bouts of gibbering, there is what sounds like a woman’s voice somewhere in the distance.

Jason: “What the frig was that?”

There’s been a lot of frantic looking up and down the stairwell by Grant at this point.

MB:  If he’s acting, he’s doing a much better job than he usually does.

Jason: “Sounded like a lady.”

Grant: “It did.”

They are both looking up and down, in a swivet.

Jason: “It sounded like a lady said ‘help me.’”

MB:  It actually did.

TM:  Kinda.  If only Grant would shut up.

Grant: “Oh, my god. Did you hear that conversation?”

Jason: Yeah. ‘Help me.’ It didn’t sound like a child to me, man.”

Grant: “No.”

They keep going up the stairs.

Level 7 (Second from Top)

12:37 AM

Jason: “Something keeps moving above us.”

Grant: “Well, whatever it is, it can only go up ‘cause we’re blocking the way down.”

Jason, whispering: “Well, what we have to do is when we go up there if we go out the main door the only (mumble).”  He rotates his finger in a horizontal circle to show the path around the tower.

Jason interviews: “You know we came up to the top with the whole idea that nothing could get by us.”

In the scene, a light at the top suddenly floods on as Jason and Grant climb the last stairs. They stop in unison, like a pair of cat burglars, and look down the stairwell, as if expecting to see someone at the bottom.

Jason: “That scared the shit out of me.”

Grant: “Motion-activated?”

Jason interviews: “A motion light went off. It was an extreme shock. It – we – we had been walking around in the dark for the last hour.”

Grant: “Well, that kills the whole sneak up and surprise it.”

MB:  That’s kind of cool.

TM:  I guess I shouldn’t tell you there might be a way to blind motion sensors.

MB:  Yeah, you can leave that until later.

Grant interviews: “As we continued to investigate – uh – we went all the way to the top to make sure no one was playing tricks on us.”
Jason: “It’s frickin’ padlocked.”

Grant: “So is that. Boom, boom.”

Jason: “There’s no way out.”

Grant: “That means whoever was up here would be standing right there.”

Jason: “Yeah, he ain’t gettin’ in or out of this.”

Grant interviews: “We came to a dead end with two padlocked doors. There’s no way anyone could have gone anywhere and of course we were like – where did this thing go?”

Jason interviews on site: “Me and Grant are going to take a break for a few and we’re going to sent in Dustin and Brian, see maybe if they can get some EVPs while they’re in there.”

More helloos in the tower as the new shift enters, while Jason and Grant sit in Mission Control looking at the monitor.

TO BE CONTINUED

MB:  I thought we were going to plow on through this to the end.   I mean – it’s swell to maybe hear a voice, and on Pilgrim equipment, no less, but we’re not exactly at the real ghost part, are we?  I haven’t seen a thing.

TM:  But it’s lunch time.

MB:  It’s always lunch time.

TM:  Okay, but I don’t want you getting too excited.  I can’t take the drama if you get disappointed later.  You need to consider the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

MB:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the last time he cried wolf, it was a real wolf, and I thought you were promising a real wolf here.

TM:  My dear Mme., this is a year and a half after Race Rock Lighthouse, a year after the DeVille Door, and half a year after the Queen Mary.  They’re capable of anything here.  Maybe it’s real.  Maybe it’s not.  Fort Dearborn is still 2-1/2 years in the future.  So I think we should fortify ourselves with grilled cheese before we press on.

MB:  Oh, all right.  I suppose I have to make it.

TM:  Tomatillo salsa on mine, and a side of green olives for both of us.  I don’t suppose you have any Dat’l Do It?

MB:  No.

TM:  Someone sent me a link to a supposedly haunted doll a few months ago, which I showed to Mme. Blahblatsky and she shrieked “My eyes!  My eyes!”  It seemed she was looking at a picture of the doll in the arms of our favorite ghost hunters, Hans and Franz, and objected to them more than the doll.  I have been reminding ever since, lo these many months, that we have unfinished business here, and it might be good therapy.  So as it’s Halloween, she’s agreed to come back and heap some abuse on the Warwick mountebanks, in honor of the season.

MB:  Lordy.  It has been months.  Okay, almost edging into years.  I got really really peeved after that Fort Delaware debacle last Halloween, and frankly, I don’t think  Ghost Hunters is worth a red cent at this point, but the Talking Mongoose has talked me into continuing.  I’d finished the transcript way back in Ought-8, so all we had to do was – god help us – watch it again and complain.

We left Taps stranded in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, half-way through episode 213 of Ghost Hunters, right after they presented  the thermal reflection of Grant on a metal locker as a ghost.  Grost.  Ghant.    We don’t think they can really cap this, but the Talking Mongoose says they’re going to get something special next.  So let’s see.

The disclaimer from part one still applies – dialogue, Pilgrim, oil drums, blah blah blah.   (And now we think we know the origins of the Montauk monster.)

THE PITCH

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 3:00 PM

The gang has assembled at the van for a pep rally.

Jason: “This home’s supposedly one of the most haunted homes around this area. It was a physician, Dr. Ellis.”

Grant: “Dr. Ellis – he was the guy that supposedly came out of the elevator and went to that room.”

Dustin: “Right.”

Donna: “Oh, really?”

Grant: “This is his house.”

Jason: “Let’s get over there, let’s hear the stories and take it from there one step at a time.”

Grant: “We’ll play it by ear.”

TM:  As opposed to pre-planning hoaxes.  We’re going to be more spontaneous.

MB:  Hoaxes?

TM:  Just kidding.  You know me.

Jason: “All right, guys?”

Steve: “Cool.”

Jason: “Let’s get out of here.”

The black caravan trundles through downtown Eureka Springs. [can a ghost be in 2 places?] Jason, Grant, and Steve approach the door of a Victorian house.

Jason: “Hi, Carroll?”

Carroll Heath, Homeowner: “Gentlemen? Yes.”

Jason: “Hi, I’m Jason from TAPS.”

Carroll: “Jason.”

Grant: “Grant.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Grant: “This is Steve.”

Steve: “Nice to meet you, Carroll.”

Carroll: “Nice to meet you, gentlemen. Please come in.”

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

THURSDAY 6:39 PM

Carroll interviews: “I certainly hope that TAPS gets on film our unseen friends. Anything we get on film will be really very wonderful.”

TM:  He doesn’t know about the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

TM:  The grostly ghant.

MB:  This house better not be ghanted, that’s all I can say.

TM:  Er…

MB: What?

TM:  Nothing.

Carroll, in scene: “All right, gentlemen – I’d like to show you the house that I share here with Dr. Ellis, and I’m very conversant with Dr. Ellis because I’m a medium.”

Grant: “A medium, or we like to call him a “sensitive” is someone who is sensitive to personalities, electrical fields around them, someone who can pick up on the emotions of someone who is alive as well as someone who is dead.”

TM:  They can do both?  La!  Imagine.

MB:  Like Grant would know.  Like Grant would know anything.  Grant of the jerking jacket…

TM:  Mme. -  you promised to leave that out of this discussion.

MB:  Cripes!  God damn it to hell.  Okay.  But it’s all ruined, I tell you.  There’s not even a handbasket left.

TM:  I know.

Carroll: “I’m a pianist, and when I play the piano I feel a crowd of people gather, watching.”

The interior of Carroll and Dr. Ellis’s house is very 19^th-century fancy.

Carroll: “As we go through the door here, we go to the back parlor.”

Grant: “Any people seeing things or heard things in here?”

Carroll: “Yes, quite often.”

Grant: “Such as?”

Carroll: “When we’ll be sitting downstairs and you hear people walking on the floor.”

Carroll interviews: “I’m the 12^th owner. I know that two owners ago, they heard so much noise that they had the building exorcised.”

Jason: “So where do you want to head next?”

Carroll: “I’d like to take you to the bedroom level. We’ll first go into the master bedroom.

Grant: “Look at that bed! Holy cow!”

Whistles from the group. It is a nice bed, but it is not really anything to whistle at, unless you are used to sleeping in cardboard boxes.

Carroll: “This is furniture built in the 1870’s.”

Jason: “All right, so what kind of activity is goin’ on in this room?”

Carroll: “A lady is seen in Victorian clothing sitting in the bay window reading. These windows open with a beautiful view of the hollow. There are many stories of hauntings and sighting of beings down in those grounds.”

Jason: “Maybe we’ll send some guys out there.”

Back downstairs:

Jason: “So what we’re gonna do from here is we’re gonna go upstairs, we’re gonna talk to the rest of the crew. Steve runs the whole tech department.”

TM:  The whole tech department, which consists of Dustin.

MB:  And Dave.

TM:  Dustin and Dave.  The annual tech department picnic is awesome.

MB:  It probably was when Brian was in charge.

TM:  He did have a certain joie de vivre that Steve seems to lack.

Carroll: “All right.”

Jason: “He’s responsible for setting up cameras in all parts of the home.”

Carroll: “Okay, great. Can’t wait!”

Steve interviews: “Jason and Grant took me on the tour of the Dr. Ellis house. It made everything go a lot smoother. I could see the exact locations of the cameras. I knew where the activity was and where the camera should be pointed. I hope they continue to do that.”

MB:  None of this silliness about involving Donna.

TM:  Donna should be kept away from technical equipment.

MB:  Because she’s a stupid girl.

TM:  Precisely.  Girls can’t be in the tech department.  Although I suppose that means the tech department picnics consist mostly of Cheez Whiz and Cheetos.

FRONT PORCH

8:25 PM

Jason: “Hey, Dust – Steve went on the tour with us. He knows a lot of the areas of activity and we need to set up cameras. Save the high-8 because you and Dustin are going to go for a walk. There’s a wooded section across the street you guys are gonna check up.”

Steve: “I’m not goin’ in the woods.”

Jason: “I can’t go in the woods. I’m terrified of ticks.”

MB:  He’s not afraid of ticks.  He’s afraid of Lyme Disease.

TM:  Nah.  He’s not afraid of bubonic plague.  It’s those scary rats.

MB:  But it’s okay if the minions come down with a debilitating incurable disease.

TM:  Well, yeah.  Duh.

Steve: “Spiders! You have a bigger tick phobia than my spider phobia?”

A major hubbub ensues, with Grant trying to intervene, and Dustin looking on agog.

Jason: “Spiders are…”

Steve interviews: “I’m afraid of a lot of things, you know, like heights. I don’t like flying, I don’t like spiders.”

TM:  Seafood, clowns, frogs.

MB:  Books.  Bridges.

TM: Carrots.  Mushrooms.

MB:  I wonder if he has used any of his Ghost Hunters money for a little therapy.

TM:  Therapy is for sissies.

MB:  Sissies get to go see the Pyramids.

TM:  Real men go by boat.

Steve, in scene: “Spiders are anywhere that there’s a branch, wood, trees. Dustin and Dave can go in the woods.”

Jason: “You standin’ your ground on this, yes or no?”

Steve self-debates a moment, then decides: “Yes.”

Jason: “All right, then. I respect that. All right, let’s get the cameras set up.”

A bunch of unintelligible jokes and comments follows, finished up by someone exhorting a dude to rock’n’roll.

Steve grabs Dave from behind and makes him jump.

Carroll interviews: “I would expect the results to show some activity in the house here. When we do get things on camera, that’s going to be even more proof that this is, in fact, real.”

TM:  Ha!  Not the way these guys operate, dude.

MB:  Don’t call Carroll “dude.”  He’s so not a dude.  He’s civilized.

Jason interviews: “Including Steve on the tour made the set-up of the equipment go a lot smoother. He pretty much had first-hand knowledge of where everything needed to be set up and how to run the equipment. We definitely gotta keep on doing that.”

MB:  No, no, no.  Information passed along second- and third-hand adds so much more to the mix.

TM:  Yeah.  It’s no fun when things run smoothly.  I like seeing Steve get all steamed and sarcastic.

Steve: “We’re puttin’ this camera here because they’re gonna get a shot of this going all the way into that corner including the piano, and so I’m just gonna hang it this way. So it is not gonna go anywhere.”

He tapes a camera to window glass. [Which, you know, if the tape fails and the camera falls to the floor – well, no one wants to be Steve.]

TM:  That’s like trying to glue apples into a box.

MB:  Who would do that?

TM:  Precisely.  It doesn’t work, Shazia.

MB:  God bless you.

Dave: “Steve got a little creative with the tape – uh – which is good, you know? He was like MacGyver with it.”

Out at the van, where Command Central is staying for the evening:

Dave: “This is the last thing and then we go dark, right?”

Donna is hanging out by the van not doing much besides pursing her lips.

Jason, uncharacteristically jovial tonight: “Let’s do it, brother.”

Dave: “Hit it?”

Jason: “He can flip my switch, baby.”

Donna: “I’ll flip your swatch.”

TM:  The thought of being on a road trip to Arkansas with this crew is just blood-curdling.

MB:  I know.  Hauling handcarts across the Rockies with Mormons would be preferable.

There are old-fashioned push-button switches in the Dr. Ellis house, which makes a nice change for the ritual killing of the lights. The house goes dark.

Jason: “All right, guys, we got all the cameras set up.”

[could there have not been anything the editors could use to fill out this episode? anything???]

Jason interviews: “I’m gonna put Dave and Dustin together and have them do just a quick walk down the path. There’s a wooded section across the street. There’s been a lot of reports of – uh – ghostly activity coming from the woods, also strange animal sightings.

TM:  The Legend of Boggy Creek strange animals?  Or gowrow strange animals?  Or albino squirrel strange animals?

MB:  Hardly anyone ever sees ghosts in the woods, you know.

TM:  And why is that?  Maybe’s it’s aliens and sasquatch.

Jason, in scene: “Keep a walkie on you. I don’t need you getting’ lost in the woods in Arkansas, ‘cause my ass is goin’ home in a couple of days with or without you.”

The gang chortles and shuffles around.

Jason: “Steve, you and Donna – [to Carroll] you – I’m sure you’re gonna do a walk-through with ‘em.”

Jason interviews: “They can talk with Carroll back and forth. If Carroll’s getting any impressions, snap off some pictures, check the EMF meters.”

Steve: “Maybe try to correlate our EMF with his – uh – feelings.”

MB:  Doesn’t he know his lip could stay curled that way if he keeps doing that?

Jason: “I think that’d be great. All right. So let’s get this show goin’. C’mon.”

Steve: “Okay, let’s go.”

PARLOR

9:30 PM

Steve: “This is Donna, Steve, and Carroll in Carroll’s parlor.”

Carroll: “Ah – I’m having a lot of energy.”

Steve interviews: “Carroll jumped right into the investigation. Even though he claims to be a medium, he respected our scientific methods so I respected his – uh – psychic methods and I think we worked pretty good together.”

Steve, in scene: “What do you think they prefer to be called, Carroll? Spirits? Entities?”

Carroll: “Uh – beings. Just beings.”

Steve: “Beings?”

Carroll: “Uh-huh.”

TM:  When I’m a ghost, I’d darn well better be called an entity.

MB:  I’d rather be a ghost.

TM:  Although Satan’s emissary would be okay.

Outside by the van, Jason is issuing orders to the lambs being sacrificed on the phobia altar.

Jason: “Dave and Dustin – get suited up and sprayed down with as much DEET as possible ‘cause I don’t want you guys coming back tick-infested.”

Dustin sprays Dave.

Dustin: “Don’t breathe through your mouth.”

Dave tightly purses his lips, as a self-reminder not to breathe.

Jason: “Be safe. Don’t screw around. Stay together.”

Dustin: “All right, bro.”

Jason, to Dave: “It’s a head lamp. You want to use it? Don’t lose it. If you lose it, I’ll castrate you.”

Dave: “Puh. Okay.”

MB:  See, this is the kind of thing that makes me want to call social services on this family.   He’s already threatened to leave them behind in Arkansas.

TM:  But it’s Jason’s head lamp.  It may cost, like thirty or forty dollars.  Whereas Dave’s testicles are…

MB:  Let’s leave poor Dave’s testicles alone.

HAUNTED HOLLOW

10:48 PM

Dustin: “I would love to catch somethin’ on film there. This would be awesome. Let’s look in the woods there, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Dustin: “I thought I saw something move.”

Dave: “Where?”

Dustin interviews: “This is a creepy situation because in this setting your eyes can really play tricks on you.”

Dave swerves wildly: “Ooh! Webs!” He waves his hands. “Uckh!”

Their flashlights shine on something that looks like a humongous toadstool.

Dustin: “Oh, it’s kind of like the other sundial.”

A giant spider lurks under the top of whatever it is, inspiring considerable fear and loathing, considering Steve isn’t around.

Dustin: “Look at that guy. That is unbelievable. Ooh – you can see [garbled]  whatever it is like where its mouth is.”

MB:  The sound quality is incredibly crappy on these episodes – thanks, Pilgrim.

TM:  All the money they save on sound and closed-captioning goes to the special effects.

MB:  Like jacket-jerking?  Oh, I know.   I’ll shut up.

The spider jumps off the thing, causing the guys to jump. Dave shrieks.

Dave: “Where’d he go? Where’d he go?”

Dustin: “We’re not hunting for spiders. We’re lookin’ for ghosts. Dave – right. What’s that right there? Take a picture of that.”

TM:  He still believes.

MB:  Or he’s still looking for ghosts.  Who knows?

Dave: I thought I just saw somethin’. I think I saw eyes.”

Dustin: “There it is! There it is! See it? Whoa!”

Dave: “What is it? What is that thing?”

Dustin: “There’s somethin’ down there.”

Dave: ‘We’re like a sittin’ duck out here. Where the hell is that?”

Dustin: “Dude, there’s gotta be something going on over there.”

Dave: “Those eyes!”

The two ghost hunters are flashing their flashlights around and taking pictures through all of this search frenzy.

Dustin: “What’s that?”

TM:  If only they could get a shot of a Sasquatch, or a gowrow.

MB:  Then they could get a reality show of their own.

TM:  Monster Hunters.

MB:  Never finding proof of monsters would be a surefire hit on SciFi.

TM:  SyFy.

MB:  Seefee?

TM:  Anyway, I think someone is already doing that.  Not that that should stop them.  We can’t have too many shows about nothing.

THE INVESTIGATION

HAUNTED HOLLOW

THURSDAY 11:39 PM

Dave: “Oh, this is as creepy as hell, man.”

Dustin: ‘Where’d it go?”

Dave: “It was right there.”

Dustin: “Let’s go close.”

Dave: “There it is!”

Dustin: “Where is it?”

Dave: “Right there. See it?”

IT’S BAMBI!!!

TM:  OH MY GOD IT REALLY IS BAMBI!

MB:  The mighty hunters have been stalking a fawn.

TM:  If that isn’t illegal, it should be.  Baby deer harassment.

MB:  Jason would have run screaming, because, you know…

TM:  Deer ticks!  RUN, GUYS!  RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Dave: “It’s a deer.”

Dustin: “Oh, yeah. Let’s leave him alone. You’re gonna scare him to death with your lights. Hey, it’s tough to do a case in the woods.”

TM:  Well, yeah.  Especially when it’s so imaginary they don’t even know what they’re looking for.

Elsewhere:

Grant interviews: “We need to make it a situation where J. and I sit down with Carroll and figure him out.”

Carroll is viewed through the FLIR.

Carroll: “I know as a medium that the spontaneous things are what really happen.”

Jason interviews: “If Carroll feels anything’s in the room, we’re gonna try to solidify it with the thermal imaging camera.”

MB:  Yeah, that’ll work.  Because ghosts are like walking space heaters.

TM:  Grosts certainly are.

MB:  Ghants.

Grant interviews: “And honestly, to find out if he’s really what he claims to be, not – not to shoot him down or anything, but we need to capture stuff that you can see with your eyes.”

Jason, in scene: “How long have you known that you’re sensitive?”

Carroll: “All – years. When I was a little kid I was knowing things that were going to happen.”

Jason: “Can you give me a psychic reading of myself?”

Carroll: “Well, let me try here. You need to repeat your full name three times to give me permission to ready your energy.”

Jason: “Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes, Jason Conrad Hawes.”

MB:  His middle name is Conrad!

TM:  I wanted it to be “Lee.”

Jason interviews: “A medium will sometimes give a person a reading. What that actually entails is trying to absorb some of the person’s energy to – uh – be able to see the events in the past that are leading them to the point where they will be in the future. We believe that very few mediums are legit.”

TM:  That is an incredibly touchy-feely definition of a medium.  Methinks Jason has been hanging around with psychics an awful lot.

MB:  That’s probably where they learned how to run strings through jackets.  And throw coat hangers!

Carroll: “This is come to me – a farm house in the country, uh – a big like oak trees or something around it, and – um – it’s not really your place of residence. Is it like an uncle or something?”

Jason: “Um – yeah, actually.” He scratches his head. “It was an uncle.”

Carroll: “Okay, okay. You’ve also got deceased family members who come to you when you’re asleep, is that correct?”

Jason: “That’s correct.”

MB:  I hope these deceased family members are slapping him upside the head when they visit.

TM:  Do you think the dead can be embarrassed by their relations?

MB:  I hope not.

Carroll seen through the FLIR suddenly has a rainbow aura vibrating around him, which is weird.

MB:  What’s that?

TM:  That’s the surprise.  I don’t know.  Although some people think it involves Grant’s thumb.

MB:  Do I want to know?

TM:  Probably not.

Carroll: “Yes, okay. I think your wife is not quite so interested. Is that correct?”

Jason: “That would be correct.”

Grant interviews: “When a medium or sensitive tries a reading, when it comes to sensitivity there are many different levels, but I think probably about 95-96 per cent of the people who I come across who claim that they are sensitives are not.”

TM:  95 or 96?  These guys really have been spending too much time around psychics.

MB:  Well, Grant would know.  I mean – it takes a fake to know a fake, n’est-ce pas?

TM:  Tch.

Carroll: “Uh – when you were a child you had a shock to your psyche in a sense, a life-changing experience.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Carroll: “Okay.”

Jason: “Yeah, I reckon that’s a way to put it.”

Grant: ‘Don’t forget – I get a turn, too.”

Jason: “You wanna sit here for a minute and get a reading? I’m gonna go outside.”

Jason interviews: “One thing you need to be cautious with when it comes to dealing with a psychic is the questions that they ask you. You’re tryin’ to block somebody from of course getting into your mind.”

MB:  So much for not believing in psychics!  “Getting into your mind” – pft.

TM:  I think he’s afraid of ol’ Carroll.  Psychics must be right up there with ticks.

Carroll: “Give me your full name three times and permission to read you.”

Grant: “Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson, Grant Stephen Wilson.”

Carroll: “You had a visitation from the other side that set you spinning.”

Grant: “Mm-hmm.”

TM:  These tiresome secret stories again.

MB:  I know.  The more they keep them secret, the less I want to know what they are.  I don’t care what stupid Grant experienced.  I don’t care if the baby Jesus himself crowned Grant with thorns and pronounced him the next messiah.

Grant interviews: “I was impressed with Carroll. The thing that got me the most was his percentage of accuracy with J. and myself.”

Carroll: “It was almost a near-death experience.”

Grant: “Uh – yeah.”

From somewhere nearby, there are two loud bangs. Grant turns his head, and upstairs somewhere, Steve and Donna are transfixed, too.

Donna: “What was that?”

Grant tells a returned Jason: “While we were downstairs we did hear a big bang.

Steve, upstairs with Donna: “Hold on. What was this?”

Grant: “It seemed like it was probably in here somewhere.”

Jason and Grant go to the parlor where the piano is.

Grant: “Ohhhhhh noooooooo! Crap.”

Steve’s MacGyvered camera has fallen to the floor.

TM:  I told you so.

MB:  And this is the guy in charge of the whole tech department.

Grant: “Steve had a crazy camera perch.”

Jason: “Ah – it fell off the window.”

Grant: “He perched it up. I had fear that was going to happen.”

Jason: “Did it burn you?”

Grant: “No one’s out in the van watchin’ it.”

Jason: “Oh, man!” He addresses the recording untended in the van. “This is Jason and Grant in here. There was a big bang that happened in this room. It was the actual camera falling from the window to the floor. So if it’s broken, Steve, you owe me four hundred bucks.”

MB:  Let’s see. So far Jason has promised his underlings abandonment in Arkansas and castration,  forced them out into a tick-infested wilderness, and now intends to collect financial damages.

TM:  Bad daddy.

We see the four-screen monitor, and it’s June 11, 2005, but all the cameras seem to be in place.

Jason: “So Dustin’s doin’ a walk-through in the woods [he makes a face] – puuhh – god, they gotta be covered in ticks.”

HAUNTED HOLLOW

6 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Dave: “Is there a black thing right there? Oh, there’s a shadow. Sorry.”

Dustin: “Whatever am I gonna do with you, Dave?”

There is a loud crunching noise. Dave looks down at the ground.

Dave: “Oh, glass! Watch out for the glass. Oh, look at this.”

Dustin: “It’s a little bench.”

He suddenly starts, and then titters. A lovely charcoal grey kitty is rubbing against his leg.

Dustin has had enough strange animal encounters: “I think we should probably start heading back, man.”

Dave: “All right.”

Back at the van, as the exhausted minions try to recover from their woodland travails, Jason is ruthless.

Jason: “You guys tick-infested?”

Dustin: “Uh – I hope not.”

Grant: “Hey Steve – you know your ingenious concoction on the window fell?”

Steve: “Are you serious?”

Grant: “No, that’s good, because now we know the cameras can handle a – you know – six-foot fall or whatever.”

Jason: “Yeah, try not to drop them anymore.”

Grant and Donna laugh, but nobody else does.

Jason: “All right, let’s pack up. Let’s do it. Let’s do it quiet.”

Donna winds extension cord on her arm.  There’s a lot of ripping tape off of woodwork.

TM:  For the varnish, I say ouch.

Jason: “We got a lot of evidence to go through – oh my gosh.”

MB:  Psshh.  He’s got nothing to go through.

TM:  He’s going back for another herbal body wrap and a mani-pedi at the spa.

MB:  Don’t say that.  It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Cases are shut. Doors are slammed.

Jason takes leave of Carroll.

Jason: “We’re gonna head out of here and over the next few days we’re gonna go through all the evidence we got here and we’ll come back, sit down and show you what we caught, what we didn’t catch and so forth.”

Carroll: “Great.”

Grant: “All right, well – thank you very much.”

Carroll: “Thank you very much.”

Jason: “It’s been a pleasure, Carroll. I’ll talk to you real soon.”

Carroll interviews: “I was so happy that TAPS came here to investigate. The experience with Jason and Grant has been wonderful. It’s like we’ve always done this.”

MB:  Carroll looks a tad out there.

TM: You’d look crazed too if you’d just had to spend a night with  TAPS.

MB:  This is true.

Grant pulls Jason to the side before they leave.

Grant: “I don’t know what was goin’ on in there but I just saw something I’ve never ever seen before.”

Jason: “What’d you see?”

The FLIR view of Carroll with his vibrating rainbow aura is replayed.

THE INVESTIGATION

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

FRIDAY 2:10 AM

Grant and Jason reprise the last bit of conversation. A split screen shows Carroll in FLIR-vision and night-vision as he talks to Jason.

Grant: “I was zoomed in on Carroll, and it was like psychedelic. It was like a 70s hippie show – colors flashin’, kaleidoscopin’ in front of my eyes. We’re not supposed to say things in front of the client. I’m sittin’ in the chair, video-tapin’ this crazy kaleidoscope show, and I’ve just been dyin’ to tell ya.”

TM:  I want to know how Grant knows about 70s hippie shows.

MB:  He saw Head.

Jason: ‘Well, it’s funny you say that because while he was tryin’ to read me, I was tryin’ to block it.”

Grant: “Well, that’s exactly when it happened was when he was asking you those questions you didn’t wanna answer but it only happened when it seemed like the conversation was getting intense.”

Jason interviews: “I asked Carroll a question that I really didn’t want him to have the answer for, to the point where it was gonna be hard for him to read me, and Grant picked up some strange thermal imaging camera – uh – images.”

Grant interviews: “It wasn’t subtle at all. It’s insane. It was coming from J. and it was almost like you could see that struggle, but hey, it’s just a theory. I’m not saying that’s what it was.”

TM:  Well, you have to admit it was a little peculiar.

MB:  Yeah, but it’s Grant, and I wouldn’t believe Grant now if he told me the sun comes up in the east.

TM:  It’s that over?

MB:  Yep.  Finito.  You were right all along.

THE ANALYSIS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

SATURDAY 8:15 AM

So they’re back at the Crescent Hotel, which they supposedly left yesterday.

Steve interviews: “We’re getting ready to analyze the evidence for Carroll’s house. We have a lot of work to do, and a little time to do it, so we’re gonna start now and – uh – get through it.”

TM:  That’s good to know.  Because I thought they weren’t.

MB:  The editors of Ghost Hunters must have terrible dreams at night.

TM:  Do you think they will go to hell for it?

MB:  Don’t be silly.

TM:  Purgatory?

MB:  They’re already in purgatory.  So are we.  Let’s get this done, please.

The three analyzers look exactly the way they did when they were analyzing the Crescent Hotel evidence.

Steve: “Dave, all set?

Dustin and Dave nod.

They look at some footage of orbs.

Steve: “Now there’s those two, but what about that first one? It’s pretty bright.”

Dustin: “The first one is pretty bright. It’s solid.”

Steve: “I vote dust.”

Dustin: “Agreed.”

Dave: “Agreed.”

Dave interviews: “We had a lot to go through but we got a few things that was definitely worth all the wait.”

Steve: “Jason and Grant mentioned that when they were talking to Carroll some weird stuff was going on with the thermal so I wanna check that out.”

Dustin interviews: “The thermal cam seemed worth its weight in gold this time around.”

Steve: “Crazy colors – check this out.”

Dave: “Wow.”

Steve: “This doesn’t read energy, this reads heat but then energy is heat, and maybe his body’s just gettin’ hotter and…”

Dustin: “That’s crazy.”

Steve: “Jason is sitting adjacent to him. The Jason one is the craziest ‘cause the energy starts to rise, starts to build off of him.”

Dustin: “Whoa. What is that?”

Steve: “Whoa. That has gone crazy. It’s pretty weird.”

Dustin: “I don’t know, man. That’ll make you think.

Dave: “Haaaaa. That’s – that’s weird.” He shudders.

TM:  This is like watching Bob and Doug do scientific analysis.

MB:  Or Bill and Ted.

TM:  Heckle and Jeckle.

MB:  Uncle.

TM:  The professor and Mary Anne.

MB:  I said…

Steve interviews: “I’ve never seen thermal footage like that that we recorded at Carroll’s house. I’ve never seen it in regards to working with a sensitive or a psychic, and I think it might lend a little more credibility to the spiritual side of paranormal investigation.”

TM:  Sure, it will, Steve.  Especially in conjunction with the thermal footage of the grost.

MB:  Ghant.

THE FINDINGS

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

MONDAY 11:45 AM

Jason and Grant come to the peons’ room, just like they did before in the first part.

MB:  That’s spooky.

TM:  I thought they left the Crescent Hotel.

MB:  Ssh.  The editors forgot.  And they have enough problems.

Jason: “Hey, guys. What’s goin’ on?”

Grant: “Let us see what we got, man.”

Steve: “The thermal – uh – the Dr. Ellis house.”

Jason: “All right.”

Steve: “Of you and Carroll.”

Grant: “Yeah, I’d love for him to see that. I was stuck in that chair. It was like I was watching a Hendrix video.”

Steve: “So J., this is where you’re being read by Carroll.”

Jason: “Okay.”

Steve: “Now watch it. The thermal image grows off of you toward Carroll.”

Grant: “That’s why I panned it across.”

Steve: “You follow it, some kind of light – here it comes.”

Jason: “What the heck?”

MB:  I don’t know.  I want to believe,  but I can’t.  What did you say about Grant’s thumb?

TM:  Stephen of The Skeptical Viewer points out that the psychedelia only occurs when Grant’s holding the camera, so he suspects it’s Grant’s sticky fingers right next to the lens.

MB:  For crying out loud – are we supposed to believe they screwed up this badly two times in a row by accident?

TM:  I’d prefer to think that than that they’re smart enough to do it on purpose.

MB:  Oh, right.  I forgot.  Grant’s version of a high-tech hoax involves string.

Jason interviews: “After viewing the thermal footage of when me and Carroll were sitting downstairs talking, I had no idea. I had no response. Uh – that’s – that’s different but you know, I’m not gonna draw any conclusions yet.”

Grant interviews: “I’m glad J. finally got to see it today and really understand what I was seeing.”

Steve: “Now watch Carroll. As soon as he moves his hand, he kind of wipes it away.”

In the footage, Carroll raises a hand and lowers it, and with that, the vibrating rainbow whisks back off into the ether. It’s like magic.

Jason frowns.

Grant interviews: “When Jason saw the footage, I think it had an impact on him to see something actually generating from around his area and span across the room. I think Jason is a little confused by it.”

MB:  Okay, now I’m wondering if Grant thinks Jason is a moron.

TM:  Dollars to doughnuts. Although in a perfect world it really should be doughnuts to dollars.

Jason interviews: “This case isn’t anything like any case we’ve ever worked on.”

Grant: “We don’t pretend to have equipment that’s specifically designed to pick up psychic energy, so maybe Carroll’s haunted, and not his house.”

MB:  Carroll is haunted by a ghant.

TM:   Grost.

Behind him, Dave lifts an eyebrow and nods.

THE REVEAL

DR. ELLIS’ HOUSE

TUESDAY 5:31 PM

In the van on the way back to Carroll’s house:

Jason: “Uh – what do you think about his psychic abilities?”

Grant: “We went there to see if the house was haunted and what we do have is some weird footage when had was tryin’ to read you. I don’t want to say that that’s proof because I don’t know what that means, but we have to show him.

Jason: “I am wonderin’ if when he sees that footage if he’s gonna toot his own horn.”

And with the milk of human kindness flowing as always in his veins, Jason goes to ring the doorbell.

Jason: “Hey, Carroll.

Carroll: “Just come sit down.”

Jason: “Thank you.”

Grant: “Well, Carroll, it’s good to see you again. How’ve you been the last couple days?”

Carroll: “Fine.”

Grant: “Any new activity in the house?”

Carroll: “Yes. Our unseen friends are really interested – ‘what are you doing with all this equipment and stuff in here?’” He chuckles.

Jason: “We’d like to show you some footage that we caught with the thermal imaging camera downstairs during the time that – uh – I asked you to give me a reading.”

Grant: “Keep in mind that this does not measure light, does not measure energy. It only measures heat. Now here it just goes psychedelic.”

Carroll: “That’s fascinating.”

Grant: “Take from it what you will. I don’t know what it is. At this point you were reading Jason and he was not wanting you to.”

Carroll laughs.

Jason: “Even though I was asking you to give me a reading, I was also trying to keep you from giving me a reading because my story has always been my story. I have always wanted to keep that private.”

Carroll: “We all have things that we would rather not have revealed.”

MB:  SO SO TRUE!

Grant: “So – uh – just watch what happens. It’s kinda interesting.”

Carroll: “Whoop. Ah!”

Grant: “J. launches a missile at ya.”

Carroll: “Ah, yes.”

Grant: “We use thermal quite a bit. We did not expect to find this, don’t know what it means, so I don’t wanna read too much into it, but it’s an anomaly that we can’t explain.”

Jason: “What would you think?”

Carroll: “There’s an awfully high level of energy obviously, either from me or from our unseen friends.”

Carroll interviews: “I don’t think Jason was getting tension or nervous. His curiosity was generating a lot of energy, and I was sending him energy, and reading energy at the same time. The thermal footage just validates what we mediums do. Our – our aura, as we call it around us, our energy will change color, so the thermal imaging is very good proof of that.”

Grant: We got something weird. What it was, I don’t know.”

Jason: “Just wanted to stop by, show you this and tell ya we really appreciate you havin’ us out. It was a pleasure.”

Carroll: “It’s been a real pleasure, Jason.”

Grant: “Thank you.”

Carroll: “Grant.”

Shaking of hands.

Grant: “Keep in touch, okay?”

Carroll interviews: “It’s an incredible thing that TAPS is doing. It helps to sell the general public on the fact that what we mediums do is real and that there is another side that communicates with us.”

TM:  Incredible is the word.

MB:  Poor Carroll.

TM:  Eh, I don’t think the weasel can do much harm to ol’ Carroll.

In the car:

Jason: “So that didn’t go too bad.”

Grant: “I was impressed with Carroll. I thought he was going to snatch that evidence and claim it but he really didn’t. He was like us. He didn’t know what to make of it.”

Jason: “We have a good day and a half ride out of this, man. Get back to Rhode Island, you know. Well, lay back, sleep a little, ‘cause I’m makin’ you drive some point on this trip.”

Grant: “All right. Fair enough.”

The black TAPS SUV tootles along out of the Ozarks, off to new horizons ripe for hornswoggling.

MB:  Gah.

TM:  Feel better?

MB:  No.

TM: At least we finished the episode.

MB: There’s that.

TM:  Happy Halloween!

MB:  Right.

In the wake of the debacle which was the annual live Halloween broadcast for Ghost Hunters 2008, from Fort Delaware, in which Grant pitifully faked being accosted by a ghost and told to go away, he has opined that the only people who would stoop to question his veracity are haters of the show and the whole paranormal field.

Au contraire, ma pauvre petite belette.  Only the deeply disappointed would be so outraged, to the point of dissecting the lameness in excruciating, mortifying detail.  To wit – a former Ghost Hunters fan, named formerghfan, has labored mightily to reveal the Truth, in 3D.  It would be quite devastating, if the notion of shame were part of the TAPS world view.  Happily for Hans and Franz, it isn’t.

And there are more former fans rending their garments and crafting sorrowful videos, like this one.  A lengthy and fascinating print vivisection of the episode may be read here.

Mme. B. is off sulking somewhere (although I think she believes the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum juju is directly responsible for this current disgrace) so I feel safe in contradicting her.  Grant Wilson is Marianne Foyster.     Next, he will enter into a bigamous marriage, move to North Dakota, and die in obscurity. Or, not.  I hear he has been throwing coat hangers.

Here’s some Halloween hilarity we missed.  Well, actually – we didn’t miss it at all.  Here it is!

Nice work, moviedan! Especially the grand finale.  We laughed and laughed.  Now Mme. Blahblatsky has a splitting headache.

But we totally know there are ghosts hanging around.  They just can’t be hunted on television, by idiots.

Here’s a message from Mme. Blahblatsky’s house ghost, written in dust on a dollhouse roof many years ago.  We can’t figure it out, either.  We think that may be the point.

And no, it’s not “dust me.”  Jeezum crow.

MB:  Are us?

TM:  Silly silly Joe the Plumber, trying to make a living plumbing.

MB:  If he were smart, he’d be out pretending to hunt for ghosts with a camera crew.

TM:  It’s  the American dream.

Disclaimer:  Mme: Blahblatsky did not make up any of the quoted dialogue.  She swears.  It all belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc., who we suspect are putting it in old oil drums and dumping it somewhere south of Block Island.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS travels to Arkansas to investigate a hotel with a macabre history. Will the spirit that haunts the morgue reveal itself? And then, Jason challenges a medium to prove his psychic abilities, and the tech team has an eye opening experience.”

TM:  Did you know the narrator is sort of famous? He has a t.v. show in which he does things like work as a hippopotamus keeper, a charcoal maker, an owl vomit collector…

MB:  Hippopotamus keeper – jeepers.  Did he have to get in the water with them? That would be icky.

TM:  I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  He’s making a perfectly good living on his own.

MB:  I would not call wallowing in hippo poop perfectly good.  Oh.  And yet he’s still narrating for this crappy show.

TM:  Dirty Jobs.  He’s obsessed.

MB:  Evidently.  It’s sad, isn’t it?

TM:  Maybe hippo poop is a refreshing change.  Farming maggots might be delightful in comparison to reading drivel dramatically.

MB:  I still think he must cry himself to sleep at night.  But wait – this is the episode with the fabulously creepy ghost on the thermal imaging camera.  Why are we going here now?

TM:  Oh, Mme.

MB:  Oh, no.

TM:  Oh, yes.

MB:  God damn it all to hell.  Will you leave me nothing?

TM: I’m sorry.

During the narrator’s introduction to tonight’s apparent folderol (per the goddamn Talking Mongoose), we see scenes with talk of body-parts storage, full-body apparitions, Grant’s mind blown, an insane something or other happening to Jason at a psychic’s house, and Steve and Dustin finding boogeymen in the woods.

MB:  No boogeymen, either, I suppose.

TM:  Ha.  Ha ha ha ha ha.

Brian is still visible in the credits – the back of his head, and part of a profile. Andy and Carl are in the credits, but where are they really? They must have actual jobs.

TM:  Not everyone can run off to Arkansas at the drop of a wrench.

The horrible swingy traveling music introduces the ever-popular Roto-Rooter van. Jason and Grant are “plumbing” somewhere, wearing rubber gloves.

Jason: “So I was talkin’ to Donna about this – uh – place in Arkansas, Eureka Springs? It’s the Crescent Hotel – literally strange history behind it.”

Grant: “Like what?”

Jason: “They’ve witnessed apparitions of a doctor that used to be on staff walking down the hallway, voices. Uh – it’s a hotel now but at one point it was a – a fake cancer-killing place.”

Grant makes a face: “Eww.”

Jason: “Yeah. So the basement used to be pretty much a morgue. So there’s a lot of activity down there as well. So they just want us to come up, check the place out.”

Grant nods: “Cool! Yeah, it sounds good.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

A cut to Dave Tango emerging from the TAPS alley in downtown Warwick, carrying equipment.

Grant interviews: “We’re really interested in the Crescent Hotel case. It sounds like it’s got amazing history. The whole town of Eureka Springs is built on these cold natural springs and – uh – there’s a theory out there that the whole town is haunted.”

TM:  Does that mean a ghost in every house?  Or just a ghost on every block?  Or maybe there are only a few ghosts but they move around a lot?

MB:  Stupid color commentary.  If the “whole” Queen Mary wasn’t haunted, I doubt that the whole of Eureka Springs can be.  Unless there’s a ghost in every house.

TM:  That would be different.

Donna, Dustin, Steve, Jason and Grant march out to the parking lot, followed by the still fetching-and-carrying Dave. The black caravan (two SUV’s and the tech van) saddles up and moves out.

Donna, atypically driving, carols: “Here we come, Arkansas! Watch out!”

TM;  Yeah, Arkansas, watch the hell out.

MB:  It’s nice of Donna to warn them.

TM:  Do you think Donna knows, or at least suspects, she’s not working with the Boy Scouts of America?

MB:  No.  It’s not like she’s psychic.

Steve: “It’s gonna be one looooonng drive, but when we get there hopefully it will be worth it.”

TM: It’s only 1,462 miles!  Just a nice 24-hour drive.  A mere weekend jaunt for The Atlantic Paranormal Society, surely.

MB:  What ever happened to those complaining wives?

TM:  I think they got bought new Volvo station wagons and shut the heck up.

We pass highway signs for New Jersey, Ohio, and Indiana.

Jason: “Hey, Arkansas state line.”

TM:  Missouri, the “Show Me” state, wouldn’t let them through.

Donna, still driving – now with one hand, yells into her radio: “Woo hoo!”

Steve: “Oh. We’re in Arkansas finally.”

MB:  And there, in a nutshell, is the difference between Donna and Steve.  Light and dark.

TM:   Cheese and chalk.

MB:  The half-full glass vs…

TM:  Chocolate and carob.

MB:  I can’t even…

TM:  Apples and rutabagas.

MB:  We’re done.

Arkansas has rolling green hills and limestone terraces.

Grant: “This is pretty nice.”

Jason: “I’ve gotta say, it’s actually beautiful. I never expected this for Arkansas.”

MB:  For crissakes it’s the OZARKS.  What did he expect?  Strip mines?

TM:  According to the Sterns, Arkansas is one of the seven top states for pie.  I want to see pie.

A “Welcome to Eureka Springs” sign welcomes us to Eureka Springs, which looks pretty picturesque.

Jason: “Cool thing here, guys, is this time we can check into the hotel and we go right into the investigation.”

MB:  They could have done that on the Queen Mary.

TM:  That hasn’t happened yet.

MB:  But this is episode 213.

TM:  It is over a month before the California vacation.

MB:  They didn’t even drive to California from here?

TM:  No.

MB:  So when do they plumb?

TM:  I’m guessing nights and weekends.

Steve: “Excellent.”

Donna: “Sounds good to me.”

A sign indicates the Crescent Hotel was built 1886.

TM:  That graphic designer should be sued.

MB:  It is a little jarring.  But not worse than the Winchester Mystery House signs.

TM:  Someday it will seem quaint, I suppose.

MB:  And someone will pay a lot of money to reproduce it.

TM:  Early 21st-century northwestern Arkansas interpretation of late-20th-century American graphic design zeitgeist.

MB:  Okay, maybe not.

It’s a large, 3-story limestone building with a multi-dormered roof and a lot of chimneys. The caravan sweeps up to the front entrance canopy, and doors open. Jason and Grant go inside. Two men are waiting for them.

Jason: “Hey. How you doin?”

Thirty-something Jack Moyer, Hotel General Manager: “Great.”

Jason: “Jason from TAPS.”

Jack: “Jack Moyer. I’m the hotel general manager. Welcome to the Crescent Hotel and Spa.”

Jason: “This place is incredible.”

Jack: “Thank you. Ken is our Eureka Springs historian. He’d like to show you around.”

Jason: “Awesome.”

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SATURDAY 3:13 PM

Ken, who seems to be of a more sedate age than his charges,  ushers them into a large dining room.

Ken Fugate, Historian: “The hotel was built in 1886 and over here at this table – um – is a gentleman that sits here.”

Jason: “This table right here?”

Ken: “He’s from the Victorian era. His name is Jacob, and it’s kind of a romantic story. What happened was he fell madly in love with this young lady, and he sits here at the table and he’s waiting for her to come to breakfast.”

Jason: “Now how do – how do you know that story?”

Ken: “It’s old stories that people have been telling since the Victorian days.”

TM:  Meaning it’s a bunch of embroidered hooey.

MB:  Hush.  I’ll take any crumbs of back story I can get.  Would you rather watch them unload extension cords?

TM:  We’re going to have to do that anyway.

The camera zips upstairs and down a hall.

Ken: “This room right here was Dr. Ellis’s office. He was a staff physician.”

Grant interviews: “Dr. Ellis was a well-respected physician back in the 1880’s. He really believed that these springs had healing power.”

Ken: “People report seeing a man dressed in Victorian outfit. The vision they have is him coming out of the elevator here and walking straight across and just straight through the door.”

Jason: “Where we gonna be heading now?”

Ken: “Uh – we’re going to go up to the fourth floor.” He stops in front of a door. “This is 419. A lot of people have reported – uh – you wake up the next morning and your clothes are neatly packed against the door.”

MB:  What, packed in a suitcase?  Or just stacked?

TM:  Neither.  It’s hooey.

Grant: “Against this door?”

Ken: “Yes, against the exterior of the door.”

Grant: “I’d love to stay in this. Is it possible we could get…”

Ken: “Uh – I will certainly get you the key. Let’s go on down to the hospital morgue.”

Grant interviews: “Back in the 1930’s, the Crescent Hotel was bought out by pretty much con artist who thought he had a magical cure for cancer, but – uh – the claims he made ended up just killin’ – uh – hundreds of people.”

MB:  Either he was a con artist or he thought he had a magical cure.

TM:  Either TAPS is a bunch of con artists or they think they have scientific proof of ghosts.

MB:  If you’re implying both realities can exist within the same space-time continuum, I suppose you have a point.

TM:  No.  Actually I was just calling TAPS a bunch of con artists.  Except for Donna, of course.

Jason: “This the place that they actually had the bodies?”

Ken: “Uh – correct. All the cancer patients – uh – received an autopsy, and I want to introduce you to one of our best artifacts that we have of the hospital period, and that’s this autopsy table.”

Grant: “Wuuuhh.”

Jason: “I’m a Roto-Rooter plumber. I actually had to work at a morgue one time. It’s a nasty job.”

TM: Hey, I don’t think the autopsy table is all that thrilled about meeting Grant and Jason, either.

MB:  I want to know how long the Crescent Hotel was really a “fake cancer-killing place.”

The morgue now has a boombox.

Ken: “Okay, what I want to show you now is a special room over here. In this room is where they stored the body parts that they were studying.”

Grant: “Ah, come on!”

Ken: “Yeah, and they were stored in large jars of formaldehyde, and the activity in this room is from the guard. He kind of feels hostile.”

TM:  And who wouldn’t be, if you had to guard body parts?

MB:  This is ridiculous.  Why would “they” be studying body parts if “they” had a miracle cure?  And especially if the miracle cure didn’t work.  I don’t believe there were any jars of body parts.   And anyway,  I don’t think body parts haunt places.

TM: Aren’t you the cynic now?

Grant: “Okay.”

Ken: “Um – so if you can give us some help with that we’d appreciate it.”

Grant: “Yeah, okay.”

Jack interviews: “We invited TAPS in because we hear all the time that we’re America’s most haunted hotel. We had employees that have had occurrences. Even I’ve had some strange things that have happened that I can’t – can’t explain. So we thought it was about time that we find out if we truly do have some spirits here at the hotel.”

TM:  They also thought it was time they got some national publicity.  They’re claiming to be America’s most haunted hotel.

MB:  I thought that was the Queen Mary.

TM:  I’m sure Jack would say that technically, the Queen Mary and the Crescent Hotel aren’t in direct competition.  Because – you know – the Crescent Hotel can’t claim to be an enormous ocean liner.  Also, their ads put in the qualifier “resort” for hotel, and I don’t think Long Beach qualifies as a resort, despite the beach.

MB:  I suppose there could be dozens of America’s most haunted hotels, then.

TM: I’m sure there already are.  Jason and Grant are going to open the most haunted inn owned by plumbers.

MB:  No way!

TM:  In the land of “Live Free or Die,” which seems appropriate.  Speaking of con artists,  I can tell you that the Crescent Hotel was a fake cancer-killing place for all of three years – 1937 to 1940, the year the owner got hauled off to Leavenworth for mail fraud.

MB:  Not enough people get hauled off to Leavenworth for fraud.

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SATURDAY 6:40 PM

The minions left cooling their heels outside want to know “what’s up” upon the return of their masters from the tour.

Jason: “Hey, this is gonna be a work-out, that’s what’s up.”

Grant: “It’s a big place. We got the dining room, we got the annex, we got all the way up to the fourth floor.”

Jason: “Also we got downstairs, we’ve got the morgue.”

Steve perks up: “Oh, can I go down there?”

Jason: “You can go down there after you get my equipment set up, you guys can go down there.”

Steve smiles happily.

MB:  He has got to be paying them.  Who would put up with such a pompous tyrant otherwise?  “After you get my equipment set up.”  Psshh.

TM:  I know you think Steve is a pill, but at least he seems to have a work ethic.  What I keep wondering is how much does he know and when did he know it, and how does he justify continuing with TAPS given what he must know by now.  I mean – he’s their go-to guy for everything.

MB:  And do you have a theory as to why he would sacrifice his self-respect to further this business endeavor of the two plumbers?

TM:  Yep.  Girls!  He gets girls.

Tables are toted, extension cords are extended.

Steve interviews: “This is a really tough set-up, so in order to move things along, Donna’s talkin’ to Jason and Grant about the camera set-up.”

MB:  And I smell trouble!

TM:  This sounds awfully familiar.

Steve, in scene: “Donna’s comin’ up with a list, I guess.”

Dustin: “Okay.”

Steve: “Donna, you got that list for us?”
Donna: “Yeah. Obviously one camera in the morgue, hopefully two.”

Steve: “Impossible. Uh – we won’t have a cord that reaches that far.”

Donna: “They said there’s a window back there that can run…”

Steve: “I don’t know. Again they don’t tell us anything so…” He is peeved.

Donna: “We need a camera in the hallway – um – near 203.”

Steve: “They said they told you where and when the phenomena is happening.”

Donna stares at her list and screws up her mouth.

Donna: “Sorry. I didn’t get that.”

Steve: “Okay.”

MB:  That look on his face!  Why doesn’t he just scream “Idiot!” at her and be done with it?

TM: Girls wouldn’t like it.

Steve interviews: “I think Jason and Grant should probably get a better system down. The plan of telling Donna where to set up the tech stuff clearly didn’t work.”

Donna is still sitting on the stairs, rubbing her head.

Donna: “Oh boy.”

Steve, in scene: “We don’t know where in the room to aim the cameras or where the cameras are goin’.”

TM:  This sounds so familiar.

MB:  Two words – Andy Andrews.

TM:  New York City!  Oh, jeez.  More sucky melodrama about nothing.

MB:  Either the Lead Investigators are as dumb as posts, or they do this on purpose.

Elsewhere, Ken is trying to hook TAPS up with more Eureka Springs ghosts.

Ken: “If you guys are going to be in town for a while – uh – there’s a house – uh – that is quite active. It was Dr. Ellis’s home.”

Grant: “Oh, from 212?”

Ken: “It’s known around town as the most haunted house – the most active house in town.”

MB:  “Active” must mean they have “paranormal issues.”

TM:  Is that a scenario or a situation?

MB:  I guess that’s what TAPS has to find out.

Jason: “Yeah, let us check our schedules, and squeeze that in, especially if it’s one of the most active houses.”

TM:  He’s got to see if he can squeeze it in between his Swedish massage and his rosemary mint body wrap at the New Moon Spa.

MB:  Ack.  Must you  put the image of Jason getting a massage into my head?

TM:  Mud bath?

MB:  Better.

Steve barges in.

Steve: “Hey, guys. Sorry to bust this up for a second. Donna said that you guys want cameras in hallways…”

Grant: “No, there’s not…”

Steve: ‘That’s what she told me – two hallways.”

Jason: “Nah, let’s go for a walk.”

Steve interviews: “There’s no communication between Jason and Grant and myself as to where the camera placement should be. Uh – for some reason they told Donna, which doesn’t make any sense ‘cause she’s not in the tech department.”

TM:  Poor Steve. I think they do this on purpose.

MB:  It must be awfully dull without Brian to chivy.

Everyone has assembled to watch this flare-up of the tech wars.

Grant: “Right, we don’t need any cameras in the hallway. We need a camera in…”

Steve: “No cameras in the hallway.”

Grant: “In 203, filming the hallway to the elevator. Sorry if we weren’t clear, Donna.”

Jason: “All right? 419, we’re puttin’ the camera in the room.”

Donna: “Okay.”

Grant: “High-8 in the morgue.”

Jason: “In the morgue.”

Steve: “Just for future, like, this is a whole step that could have been completely – you know – skipped if I had – if you had just told me instead. It just goes back like the Merchant House with Andy Andrews.”

MB:  What did I tell you???

Jason, pointing at Donna: “If you were Andy Andrews, he would have said ‘You should have known better.’”

TM:  See?  It’s because Donna is a girl.

Donna is chewing her pen.

Grant: “Ah, it would have been chaos.”

Jason: “So don’t even tell me…”

Jason interviews: “We understand Steve’s point of view – uh – with not knowing where the equipment’s going and everything else, and me and Grant have talked and we really need to start including him on the tours.”

TM:  You think?

MB:  Aha!  So if the Queen Mary took place after this, and they included Steve on the tour, they actually learned something.

TM:  Yeah, but they’ve got memories like sieves.  The New York City episode was less than a month ago.

MB:  Oh, well.  I don’t care.

The taping of cords and  aiming of cameras ensues.

Steve: “What are you doing to this tape?”

Dave is struggling to rip off a piece of duct tape.

Dave: “I don’t know.”

Steve: “You gotta pinch and pull. See – pinch…”

Dave: “Yeah.”

Duct tape master Steve demonstrates : “And pull.”

TM:  Is that really duct tape?

MB:  I don’t know.  What else would it be?

TM:  Gaffer tape.

MB:  Whatever.

Dave: “Sort getting it now. No, I’m not.”

The gaffer tape refuses to pinch and pull properly, and he throws down a wad in disgust. Then he passes his hands over a nearby camera.

Dave: “Oh, crap.”

Dustin comes in: “Did you just move that camera?”

Dave: “By mistake.”

Dustin claps a hand to his forehead.

Cut to Dustin carrying extension cords and camera upstairs. He tries to open the door to room 419, but it doesn’t open easily. He shoves at it, looking down at the floor, then reaches into the room and switches on the light.

Dustin interviews: “When I opened the door to Grant’s room, his computer bag was propped up against it from the inside. I thought that was really weird so I figured I’d better go back and talk to Grant about it.”

TM:  JESUS H. CHRIST HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!  He is shameless.

MB:  Dustin?

TM:  Grant!  I just know he propped his computer bag up against the door as he shut it.  That’s ridiculously easy.

MB:  Oh.  Yeah.  It is.  Hunh.

Dustin proceeds downstairs to Jason’s room 303.

Dustin: “Hey, guys? Dude, where did you have your laptop, when you left?”

Grant: “I think it was in front of the t.v.” He scratches his face.

Dustin: “Yeah, and when I tried to get in there, I couldn’t , because it was propped up against the door. I couldn’t get in the damn door.”

Jason is grinning like a fool and shaking his head.

Grant blinks and pulls a face: “Great, and I gotta sleep in there tonight?”

Dustin laughs and pats him on the shoulder: “It’s your room, big guy.”

Grant laughs.

MB:  Mummer.  Charlatan.   To think that I used to like Grant.

TM:  If they had smart clients, who weren’t necessarily looking for back-up to their claims to being the most haunted hotel in America or whatever,  the clients would tell Grant something wrong, like – the ghost always puts toothbrushes in the toilet and Grant would have to put his toothbrush in the toilet and then ha ha ha the joke’s on him.

MB:  I’d pay someone good money to do that.

TM:  I’d pay someone good money to get to see that.

MB:  It will never happen.

TM:  You never know.  We can hope.

Dustin, back in room 419: “So we’ll put the bag back in front of the t.v. where Grant had it and focus the camera on it and we’ll see if it moves again.”

At the 4-screen monitor, we see it’s June 9, 2005.

TM:  See?  New York City was just over three weeks ago, and the Queen Mary is over six weeks hence.

MB:  Stupid fake time-line.

TM:  That’s what I always said.  But I gave up.  I don’t care anymore.

MB:  Yeah. North Carolina should have taught me.

Steve: “Stop. Perfect.”

Jason: “We’re good. Let’s just kill all the lights.”

The ritual switching off of the lights is done to entice the ghosts out.

ROOM 2500

9:44 PM

Steve and Dave are looking for electromagnetic fields.

Steve: “The story in this room is that – uh – this is the room when patients couldn’t take it anymore and they were in so much pain that the drugs weren’t working anymore, so they would bring ‘em in here to basically sit until they died, and once they’re dead, they’d go down to the morgue. Something that’s interesting in this room is getting 2.0 all over the place.”

MB:  That Steve.  Such a graceful storyteller.

TM:  But he does work.

MB:  I wonder if he had to stop being a policeman because of his phobias.

TM:  Policemen don’t usually have to deal with spiders.

MB:  But chasing burglars down fire escapes, and rescuing small children from trees – he couldn’t do that.

TM:  Hmm.  I think his parents must have used him in terrible psychological experiments when he was a toddler, poor tot.

MB:  Or perhaps in a former life he was a squirrel with bad eyesight.

TM:  It’s nice he finally found something meaningful to do with his life.

MB:  What – setting up cameras for charlatans?

TM:  Getting girls, as an E-list “celebrity.”

MB:  E-list?

TM:  Okay, maybe F-list.

Grant interviews: “An EMF detector is design to detect strength of electromagnetic field.”

Steve: “2.8, 3.2.”

Grant interviews: “We’re looking for any kind of spikes, unexplainable electromagnetic fields.”

Dave: “Well, actually it goes up 2.5 on the bed. I don’t know if that’s coming up a lot. Back down to 1.”

Grant interviews: “But once we have the spike we just don’t call it paranormal activity. We then slowly try to locate where that spike is originating from.”

Steve: “Travel this way.”

Dave: “2.0, 2.1, 2.2, 1.5, 1.8, 3.3.”

Steve: “There we go. It’s coming from this frickin’ hot tub. Yeah, 3.1, 3.2.”

Elsewhere:

Dustin: Donna and I are heading to room 419, Grant’s room, where the computer bag moved.”

MB:  They went looking for some stupid EMF thing to debunk so we’d forget about Grant’s oh-so-conveniently relocated computer bag.

TM:  But we didn’t forget.

MB:  We’re not idiots.

TM: That’s debatable.

ROOM 419

2 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION

Dustin: “We’re going to do an EMF sweep. Point 2, a point 2 reading.”

Donna takes pictures of nothing.

Dustin: “Are you the spirit that is moving things in this room? 1.4, 1.5. Do you have the camera, Donna? 1.4, 1.0. I did have a 1.4 at one point over here. Right now it’s just at point 8. My readings have dissipated. Point one again, point 2.”

MORGUE

1:09 AM

Jason and Grant are exploring with their beloved FLIR thermal imaging camera.

TM:  So here it comes, Mme.  Brace yourself, and again, I’m sorry.  But you had to find out.  And you’ll still have the Easter Bunny.

MB:  Oh, shut up.

Jason: “There’s the famous autopsy table. Man, that’s just freaky. Think of how many bodies were down here. Ah, boo – just the thought.” He drops his voice to a whisper: “I hate morgues. Oh god, I hate morgues.”

Grant: “Just to work in one…”

Jason: “Euh. Just the thought. Let’s check this room out.”

MB:  I never expected Jason to be quite so fastidious about death.

TM:  He’s a big old girl at heart.

MB:  Excuse me?

TM:  You know what I mean.

Grant: “Now this is the room that was filled with jars of formaldehyde and body parts.”

Suddenly there’s an extraneous-seeming image of person on the FLIR view-screen.

MB:  There it is.  I remember that scared the bejeebers out of me the first time I saw it.  So not a ghost?

TM: Ha!  Look at it!

Jason: “There’s something went right past me. Do me a favor – just rewind quickly. When we first came in, I was right on that cabinet.”

We see the image again, which appears to be a man in a short-sleeved shirt, leaning partway through a doorway, and then looking down at something.

Grant: “What the heck?!”

The FLIR footage is replayed again.

Grant, laughing: “Did you…?”

Jason: “Yeah, that was – that was a form. That was a form.”

Grant: “Holy crap! That’s freakin’ me out!”

MB:  It’s Grant?

TM:  It’s not bald.

MB:  But the hat?

TM:  You are suffering from an acute case of pareidolia.  Snap out of it, or I will have to sent you to Dr. Disillusion.

MB:  Damn.

THE INVESTIGATION

CRESCENT HOTEL

SUNDAY 1:13 AM

Jason interviews: “While me and Grant were checking out the morgue with the thermal imaging camera, I noticed something odd I just had never seen before. I immediately asked Grant to rewind the tape so I could see what we had caught on the thermal imaging camera, and – uh – upon him rewinding it, I can see a figure. I can see a figure standing right there in the door next to us.”

The scene has been replayed, in case we forgot during the ghost commercial.

Grant, in scene: “Oh sheesh!”

Grant interviews: “When Jason say rewind the tape, I was expecting a flash or something.”

Grant, in scene: “Holy crap!”

Grant interviews: “Normally when we catch something on the thermal imaging camera it’s not very impressive.”

Jason, in scene: “Oh my gosh – hang on. I gotta look at that again before I start flippin’ out.”

Grant interviews: “But there staring us down was this figure that was – no more than two feet away from me and obviously gave me chills. That kind of stuff just doesn’t happen very often. It’s the Holy Grail – uh – for us investigators, and to know that it happened right next to me – uh – [he shakes his head and shivers] really kind of freaks me out.”

Jason, in scene: “Hey, does it look like a hat? It looks like it’s wearing a hat?”

We see Jason and Grant in night-vision, staring at the FLIR view-screen, then the FLIR footage is replayed again.

Jason: “Like the brow? From a hat?”

An arrow helpfully directs us to what Jason is referencing.

Jason: “I really wasn’t sure if it was a apparition or Grant’s reflection.”

Grant: “You think that’s my reflection, J.?”

Grant interviews: “The image that showed up was so clear that I thought it’s got to be one of us.”

Grant, in scene: “Let’s just make sure it’s not my reflection.”

Grant interviews: “We immediately set about trying to [he pauses and looks to the side] make a reflection in that locker.”

Grant, in scene: “I was right about here.”

Jason: “Yeah.”

Grant: “You see me?”

Jason: “No.”

The FLIR view-screen is a big mess of green, and it’s saying its battery is low.

Grant: “Oh my gosh, I’m not there.”

Grant interviews: “We open up the locker in case someone was inside, but – uh – there’s no way someone could have ever stood inside it. It’s just a bunch of shelves in there.”

Jason, in scene: “That’s you, on camera.”

The battery is still low. Grant shows in a close-up view on the FLIR. Hmm. He does seem to have the very same shirt on as the ghost.

TM:  It’s a grost.   A ghant.

MB:  It’s Grant?

TM:  Go here now.  Rip the Band-aid off quickly.  Swallow the nasty Nyquil in one gulp.  Just do it.

Grant: “All right. Put it on the thing again.”

We view the locker with a stenciled “2” on it.

Jason: “It’s gone now.”

Grant: “Where is the 2?”

Uh – that battery is still low, if anyone cares.

Jason: “It’s right there.”

Grant: “Why was the 2 hot?”

Jason: “I don’t know.”

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant were looking at the locker and – uh – we kept seeing the 2 glowing red. There’s really no reason why that 2 should be red.”

Jason, in scene: “All right, look at the 2.”

Grant: “The 2 – is it black? ‘Cause maybe then it would retain heat. I – I’ll be honest. I’m tryin’ to think of anything.”

He waves a hand in front of the camera.

Grant: “Hell, it’s frickin’ spray-painted white.”

MB:  There’s not really any point in discussing this, is there?

TM: No, I think the guys at darkrealmlabs.com said at all. Except you might also read this, and then you could go here.  The picture of that gas burner there is worth about ten thousand words, by the way, if you’re at all foggy about what the FLIR can and cannot do.

MB:  So it’s just a reflection of Grant.

TM:  And a damn good one!

Jason interviews: “I – at first I thought it was Grant’s reflection, but it turns out it wasn’t. It’s somethin’ we’ve never caught or seen before but we really need to analyze it and try and understand it before we present it as evidence.”

MB:  Look at that innocent baby face on him!

TM:  He really really doesn’t want to go back to being a plumber is all.  “Cause you have to work in morgues and stuff.

Jason, in scene: “Dude, we gotta – we gotta show Steve that.”

The Lead Investigators take their thermal footage of the Ghant upstairs.

Jason: “I want you guys to take a look at something and give me your impression. Me and Grant were in the basement and we were walking around with the thermal.”

He displays the footage to the guys. There is a chorus of “AH!”s and nervous laughter.

Steve: “Lookit that!”

Dustin: “That’s unbelievable.”

Dave: “Scary, man.”

There are various expostulations. Grant is frowning.

Steve: “Are you serious? Tell me that’s a [?] joke.”

Jason: “Steve, Steve – you know I wouldn’t pull your leg on something like this. Gimme a break.”

MB:  Dave Tango’s left ear with its earring is stealing the scene here for some reason.

TM:  You know, we missed the whole “Dave Tango leaves New Jersey to come work for TAPS” business by skipping around.

MB:  Eh.  I suppose the television prospects were not as bright in New Jersey.

TM:  No, but think of him in his sad little Warwick apartment, away from family and friends, with only his paranormal library to keep him company.

MB:  Psshh.  Nobody in TAPS reads.  Well, I suppose Donna does.

TM:  Even worse! Nothing to do but – oh never mind.  I don’t care about Dave Tango, either.  He’s doltish, but nowhere near as amusingly doltish as Brian.

MB:  NOBODY CAN REPLACE BRIAN.

Dustin: “You can see like a whole outline. Like a whole figure. Wow. That’s…”

Grant: “No, it looks like – it looks like one of those army – the military hats.”

Dustin: “Wow, man. That’s unbelievable.”

Jason: “All right, I’m gonna stop it right here. I’m ejectin’ this and puttin’ a safeguard on the tape.”

Dustin: “Yeah.”

Steve interviews: “I was really excited when I saw that footage that Jason and Grant caught. Um – I haven’t seen anything like it before.” It’s – uh – it could be very big. It could end up – uh – changing a lot of people’s minds about the paranormal.”

TM:  It could also end up changing a lot of people’s minds about The Atlantic Paranormal Society’s collective brain power.

MB: Or not.

TM:  Or not.  Yeah, not.  Three years later they’re still trying to catch ghosts with the FLIR, and they’ve never felt the need to retract anything about this.

MB:  Mountebanks.

Jason, Cheshire-cat grinning: “That’s huge.”

Steve: “I can’t believe it.”

Jason: “Neither could I. Oh – I think I can keep on watching it over and over again, man.”

MB:  Now that I can see perfectly well what it is, watching it over and over again is as much fun as root canal.

TM: Ignorance is bliss.

There is much shaking of heads.

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant caught some – uh – evidence in the basement. Um – I really wanna analyze that and go through it and just try to pick it apart.”

Grant, in scene: “It’s weird whatever it is, man.”

The whole gang is now gathered around the computer at Command Central.

Dustin: “Yeah, it’s – uh – it looks like he’s holdin’ something.”

Grant: “It’s potentially a full body apparition which, you know, can – blows your mind instantly, but my natural instinct is to not trust what I see right off the bat. I wanna get to the bottom of it. I wanna analyze it and really try to figure out what it could be.”

TM  You know he wants to do that as much as he wants to wrestle rattlesnakes.

MB:  Grant Grant Grant.  GO WITH YOUR NATURAL INSTINCT.

TM: Not going to happen.  He didn’t want to be a computer guy, and he doesn’t want to be a plumber.

MB:  What’s wrong with being a plumber?

TM: No fan club.   No fan letters.  No deductible trips to Arkansas.  No deductible pie.  I wonder what they put on their income tax returns as their “profession.”

MB:  Charlatans. Does the government let you deduct pie?

Everyone trots downstairs to view the scene of the crime.

MORGUE

3:51 AM

Jason: “It was this room, right? The head was over here. The 2 was on its shoulder.”

Donna is looking at the locker.

Donna: “Yeah, that surface is really – I mean it’s all dulled down.”

Grant: “Look at this flashlight.”

Donna: “It’s not even shiny. It wouldn’t even reflect…”

Grant: “It’s no more reflective than the flippin’ wall.”

Steve: “I’m doubting that it’s any kind of reflection.”

Steve interviews: “Seeing the locker really helped me understand that what Jason and Grant caught wasn’t a reflection.”

Donna: “It’s clearly not a reflection.”

MB:  Jeez.  It’s almost  sad listening to them blither about it.

TM: Nuh-uh.   I love listening to scientific talk.

MB:  This is science the way a 6-year-old saying vroom-vroom in the car is driving.

Grant: “It’s all matte.”

Jason: “Well, you know, I – you know what I think is a big sell feature on it is that hat. And also you know it just – the way its clothes seemed…” He fumbles at the neck of his shirt.

Donna: “Yeah, like buttoned up?”

Jason: “Yeah.”

MB: Only, not buttoned up.  Because it’s not buttoned up just like… oh, forget it.  What’s the point?

TM:  They really want to believe.

MB:  WHICH IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT…

TM:  You have to let them go, Mme.  Off into the ether of their paranormal plumbing fantasy world.  Let them fly free, like seagulls.

MB:  Seagulls.  Right.

Donna: “That’s some pretty crazy crazy footage.”

Jason: “It’s awesome.”

Back at Command Central:

Grant: “You guys, you think with the bag, we got that and just a few other things…”

Jason: “We have 40, 50 hours of footage. Let’s wrap up. Let’s pack everything up.”

Steve: “We’re gonna put everything in my room for the night.”

The winding of the cords takes place.

Grant: “Ken, it’s 4:30 in the morning, man.”

Ken has emerged from somewhere.

Ken: “Yeah, I know. You guys get some rest.”

Jason: ‘Yeah, we’re gonna call it a night. I got the guys packin’ up right now.”

TM: If it’s 4:30 in the morning, maybe he doesn’t have to call it a night.

MB:  It can’t be 4:30 in the morning.

Ken: “Good. Don’t forget maybe if you have time to check out that – uh – house.”

Jason: “Yeah, you definitely can’t turn down one of the most haunted houses around, so…”

Grant nods: “He’s got a point.”

Jason: “And again, thank you for showin’ us all around. It was a pleasure.”

Ken interviews: “I was very impressed with the professionalism of TAPS and I hope – uh – that TAPS was able to get a lot of hard evidence.”

TM:  Hard evidence that they are boobs.  Yes.  That evidence is indubitable.

MB:  So now they are charlatans and boobs.

TM:  The two things are not mutually exclusive.

MB:  Hans Holzer is looking more and more statesman-like.

TM:  Eh – that’s kind of like Quayle vs. Palin.

THE ANALYSIS

CRESCENT HOTEL

MONDAY 11:15 AM

The three male minions are slumped over their equipment in a guest room where the bed remains unmade.

MB: Is Donna getting facials with the bosses at the New Moon Spa?

TM:  Is that a giant doughnut on the bed?

Dustin is in work mode with his cut-out backwards upside-down baseball cap on.

Dave: “Oh oh oh. Holy crap.”

Steve and Dustin’s heads swivel towards Dave’s corner.

Dave: “I thought I just saw something. Watch. Look on the right. There it is. There it is. What do you think? Is that an orb? What do you think that is?”

Dustin gives Steve a look.

Dave: “You see who – something’s walking back and forth and you just see – pwwt – it’s fast.”

Steve: “You bein’ serious right now?”

Dave: “Yeah, I’m bein’ serious. Look on the right. You see that?”

The editors have helpfully ovaled the dark spot on the right, where something dashes back and forth.

Dustin: “I see it, man, but it – it’s a bug.” He’s smiling.

Dave: “How are you – how are you sure it’s a bug? You just see somethin’ shoot across. I mean it’s…” He trails off.

Grant interviews: “Reviewing the evidence, sometimes the guys think they see an orb, but it’s really a bug. It’s really easy to tell when it’s a bug ‘cause it’s movin’ fast and it – it flutters. You can see the wings flap, and it’s – it’s always solid.”

Dustin: “You’ve got good eyes. I mean you’re lookin’ and you’re catchin’ things but that – I think it’s a bug.”

TM:  Poor Tango is in his early stages of lame newbie.  But soon he will redeem himself.

MB:  Now I’m starting to suspect they never thought he’d figure out that trick on the Queen Mary.

TM:  Yeah, and I’m not sure I was right to think he might have done it himself.

THE FINDINGS

CRESCENT HOTEL

TUESDAY 1:45 PM

Jason and Grant come to the peons’ work room.

Steve: “Hey, guys.”

Jason: “What’s goin’ on?”

Grant: “Let’s see what we got, man.”

Steve: “There’s only one piece to show you.”

Jason: “Which room is that? Okay, that’s…”

Grant: “Okay, that one’s my room.”

Jason: “419.”

The footage reveals it was filmed on June 10, 2005 at 1:05 AM. It shows Grant crossing the room with an “orb” behind him.

Jason: “There was a bug in that room that we had already seen prior.”

Grant: “Yeah, we did see a bug in there.”

Jason: “So this might be the bug.”

Steve: “Um – I can show you – I’m gonna have to show you the thermal that you guys – when you caught that in the basement. I have – I have that cued up.”

We are shown the Ghant again.

Jason: “Look at that. That – that’s a hat. You see that – the actual – this part of the hat.” He grabs the bill of Steve’s hat. To Grant: “Me and you need to go downstairs and try to recreate this. I just want to take away the possibility of that somehow being a reflection from you maybe catching it.”

Steve: “You know what? People are gonna pick this apart anyway, whoever sees it, so it’s better that you guys probably cover all angles.”

TM:  Yeah, so don’t say you weren’t warned!  Except you will never say anything, so… screw those pesky angles.

Jason: “All right. Then we’re gonna head down and we’re gonna test this out.”

Steve: “All right, guys.”

Jason interviews: “The more and more I see that footage of that man, the more and more I wanna disprove it. Me and Grant are actually gonna head down and try to recreate it and see what it could be before we go to the reveal.”

MB:  Pft.

TM:  Double pft.

MORGUE

2:20 PM

With the lights out downstairs [and upstairs], Jason and Grant fumble around trying to do a re-enactment of their encounter with the Ghant the night before.

Grant: “I was right here. Now we pan like we did.”

Jason, swinging the FLIR around: “Pan pan pan pan pan.”

Grant: “Panalana ding dong. Are we on the locker?”

Jason: “I’m on the locker.”

Grant: “Pan up and down.”

Jason interviews: “With the thermal imaging camera, heat can reflect off walls, glass, metal objects, pretty much anything.”

Grant, in scene: “Now, it doesn’t change a thing.”

Jason: “So what I’m wondering, Grant, is if that 2 is really – maybe it was just hot and was showin’ up on the screen hot. Put your hand on that 2 because I’m lookin’ right at it, man.”

Grant puts his hand on the locker over the 2.

Jason: “Yeah, all right, now take your hand off. I was dead on it.”

Grant’s handprint remains visible on the locker in several colors. A split screen shows us the 2 from the night before in comparison. The 2 there is right in front of the Ghant’s shoulder. Here it’s beneath a handprint. So, hunh. It looks different.

Jason: “Look – look at the 2. It’s still your handprint.”

And apples are still not oranges.

Grant: “That’s it.”

Jason: “Why wouldn’t the 2 be reflectin’ like it did that night?”

Grant: “I don’t know. I mean…”

Jason: “Step over one more foot.”

Jason interviews: “We put Grant in the same exact position, and me in the same exact position, and we couldn’t recreate anything. No heat at all was coming off of that locker.”

TM:  Humbug,

MB:  Bah.  Gah.

Grant, in scene: “Nothin’, nothin’ anywhere.”

Jason: “Then it doesn’t reflect.”

Grant: “Let’s go look in the mirror in the other room.”

Jason: “All right.”

Grant interviews: “We found a mirror down there and – uh – saw what a reflection should look like.”

Jason, in scene: “All right. I gotcha.”

Grant: “See?”

Jason: “You’re reflectin’ heat. I can see your arms and legs.”

Grant moves his arm: “Up, down, left, right.”

Amazingly, the thermal image does the exact same thing.

Jason: “Put your head down. Lower your head down. Look at that.”

Grant puts his face close to the mirror, sticks out his tongue, and says “ahhh.” Just before he does this, his forelock looks remarkably like – part of a hat! Or a headlamp attached to his forehead. Or almost anything but hair.

Jason: “I can see it all, Grant. All right, let’s… I don’t have an explanation for it. I’d love to.”

Grant: “We can’t pretend to have all the knowledge out there.”

TM:  Yes, you can.

MB:  They certainly pretend to have more than they do.

Jason: “All I know is I see a guy with a cap, a military guy, with a cap. That’s what it looks like to me.”

TM:  I think it looks like  giant weasel.

MB:  It looks just like Grant.

TM:  I already made that point.

Grant: “Let’s get out of here.”

Jason: “C’mon.”

Grant interviews: “If there’s an answer to it, I just don’t know it yet.”

THE REVEAL

CRESCENT HOTEL

WEDNESDAY 3:00 PM

Jack and Ken are sitting with Jason and Grant at a table outside on a terrace overlooking a lot of woods, aka the Ozarks.

Grant: “How you guys been over the past – uh – little while?”

Jack: “We’ve been anxious.”

Grant: “Yeah?”

Jason: “The way this group runs is when we go to a place we’re going there to try to dismiss claims of a haunting. It’s a lot easier for somebody to go into a place and say “Yep, it’s haunted” but where’s the evidence to support those claims? How do they prove that?”

TM:  Well, one way would be to do fake debunkings!

MB:  They sure aren’t trying very hard to dismiss claims here.

TM:  But we don’t know if that’s because they’re boobs, or because they’re charlatans!  It’s kind of great, if you think about it.

MB:  I just don’t have your appreciation for irony.

TM:  I know.

Jack: “We’ve had literally hundreds of reports, so we’re anxious to hear what you found.”

Grant: “After we had all the equipment set up, we let it run, and during that time we – uh – had investigators go around with equipment, also their own bodies, tryin’ to – you know – see what they feel.”

Jason: ‘One of our investigators Dustin went to go into room 419 which actually we had rented for the night and Grant had stayed in.”
Grant: “I gave the key to Dustin so he would go up and get something else and he couldn’t open the door. He had a hard time and he realized that if he just pushed hard enough, it would open, and sure enough, there was a com – a computer bag that had been blocking the door.”

Jason: “So the computer bag had been moved from the t.v. stand to the door and nobody was in the room.”

Grant: “The problem is we didn’t capture it on tape. While it’s an impressive experience, it’s just another story that you’re adding to your – list of stories.”

Jack is nodding through all of this.

Jack: “”Sure.”

Jason: “Me and Grant started doing a walk-through with the thermal imaging camera. We went downstairs to the morgue, we headed to the back room. Upon going in that room is where we caught some footage we’d really like to show you.”

Grant: “It’s going to be on the left-hand side of the screen.”

And once more, the Grost makes an appearance. Ken’s expression doesn’t change. Jack shakes his head.

Jack: “That’s amazing. It’s clearly a person.”

Ken: “It looks like to me that brim…”

Jack: “It looks like the hat of a – of a stone mason.”

Ken: “Yes.”

Grant: “No one down there had a hat on.”

Jason: “We tried to recreate that with Grant standing there and with me standing there.”

Grant: “The end result is that we tried to recreate it twice, and we couldn’t get so much as a reflection off the locker. We couldn’t get it to reflect us. We are true to our evidence. We’re tryin’ to find real real answers and – uh – if we lie to ourselves and everyone just to make ourselves feel like we caught something then there’d be no progress. We don’t do that.”

Ken nods.

Jason: “So you do seem to have some kind of activity goin’ on here.”

Jack: We’ve had so many reports, we were pretty sure we had something going on, so we’re glad that you’ve come in and shown us that is the case.”

Jason: “Yeah, some people that don’t show up to the human eye may show up to other instruments. We really want to thank you guys for havin’ us out here.”

Jack: “Well, thank you.”

Jason: “You made this a wonderful trip.”

Hand shakes all around.

Jack interviews: “I found the image that TAPS showed us amazing. It really was chilling. I mean we’ve had many incidents and reports down in that area and we’re very satisfied with TAPS and what they’ve – what they have proven for us and – uh – obviously they have shown their expertise.”

Jason interviews: “The image me and Grant caught in the morgue was really strange.” The Ghant is shown again. You know the people at the Crescent Hotel said that it looks like a Civil War soldier. Maybe it is. As far as I’m concerned, we captured an apparition.”

Jason lifts innocent eyebrows, and then the ghant is shown again.

MB:  Cripes, but this is depressing.  Have they no shame whatsoever?

TM:  Not so much, apparently.  Because you know, while they may have been overly excited at the moment, it’s not like they didn’t have time to think about it afterwards.  Being producers and all, and – uh – also very scientifical?  To be fair, they may have gotten all crazy,  and were just incapable of being anything but idiots at first.  But to have never admitted in all the time since – months, years! – that  they were mistaken and carried away by the moment, in light of irrefutable arguments, that makes them – good businessmen.

MB:  Well, then – I’m an idiot. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

TM: Don’t feel too bad, Mme.  Even Logisti is getting testy about FLIR images over on the Skeptical Viewer, and he and his colleague Stephen are like saints when it comes to giving TAPS the benefit of the doubt.

MB:  You are never to buy me Ghost Hunters DVD’s new again.  Do you hear me?  I appreciated it, but  never again.  Might as well buy shares in the Brooklyn Bridge.

TM:  Or contribute to the McCain campaign.

MB:  Or buy  dog boots.

TM:  Or cat hats.  I get it.  Believe me, I won’t.  But in the next part, something strange really does happen, so don’t get all completely disillusioned yet.  Sometimes TAPS comes up with something in spite of themselves.

MB:  A plague on all their houses.  We can do that part later.

TM:  Happy Halloween, Mme.

MB:  Whatever.  You, too.