Big City
Continuing the recarp of the sixth episode of the second season of the faux-reality show “Ghost Hunters,” Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose finish off Bright Light.
Disclaimer: The dull and stilted conversations Mme. Blahblatsky has laboriously typed out belong to Pilgrim Films and Television Inc.
The narrator promised us a TAPS throw-down and a startling development on the Brian front. So we’re still waiting, but we’re not holding our breaths.
TM: I am. I want to see hair-pulling.
CASE #2 MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Saturday 2:13 PM
Another schoolroom grouping has been assembled at TAPS headquarters. Steve and Dustin in the front-row chairs, and Paula and Andy perched on stools behind them, eagerly await the arrival of their overlords. Jason sweeps in first, distributing “what’s up”’s, followed by Grant. It’s Grant’s day to wear red – a sweater today.
MB: I hate red clothing.
TM: I’ve noticed. You might want to try to get over it.
Jason: “We’ve got a really interesting case. It’s one of the oldest brownstones in New York City.”
Grant: ‘It’s been unchanged for what – like 170 years?”
Jason: “Yes, it’s a museum. It’s still the original furniture, everything else in the house.”
Grant: “I guess what they’re experiencing there are noises, stove shaking.”
Jason: “Piano playing by itself. Let’s get the van packed up and get out of here, guys. We got a good trip ahead of us.”
The black vehicle caravan lumbers out of Warwick.
TM: If it were black camels, this would be so much more fun.
MB: Also, more eco-friendly. Black camels, like the ones that come for dead Shriners?
TM: Ooh, yeah. I’d forgotten that. Jason would look good in a fez.
Jason: “New York is a different kind of city. I was born in upstate New York, so…”
Grant: “It’s a different world.”
Jason: “Eh, yeah, the city – it’s a whole different world.”
TM: Did you know that?
MB: I’d heard something.
In another vehicle,
Andy: “Man, am I gonna drive in freakin’ New York? I hate driving in New York.”
The editors justify Andy’s fear and loathing with a shot of a tow truck and wrecked car.
Paula, somewhat resentful: “I would have drove.”
Andy: I’ll remember that next time.”
In yet another vehicle,
Steve: “I love New York, I think. That’s the Empire State Building right there? See it?”
Back in the boss car,
Grant: “Empire State Building – that’s where I proposed to my wife. Right there.”
Jason: “You bastard!”
TM: Grant promised never to talk about that.
MB: That’s so romantic. Who does that?
TM: Everybody except New Yorkers.
A taxicab has blocked an intersection.
Jason: Yellow taxis. There, now I’m starting to sound like a New Yorker, huh?”
Grant: “Yeah, huh, you fit right in.”
The sign for NBC Studios and the Rainbow Room is the only other iconic New York spot we get to see.
TM: Jason dreams of being on the Today show.
MB: Except not so much anymore, because he wanted to be interviewed by Katie Couric.
TM: How about a Ghost Hunters sitcom?
MB: It already is. Well, the com part is accidental.
The caravan whips down tree-lined streets into a little parking lot. Andy staggers out of his vehicle. Steve alights and exhales. Dustin and Paula are all chipper, not having had to drive.
Jason: “Welcome to chaos.”
Dustin: “You like driving through here?”
Jason: “No, I hate it. Ho ho ho. Me and Grant are going to head in, see if we can get a quick tour. I think this is it. Yeah.”
There’s a giant sign saying Merchant’s House Museum, so probably, yeah, this is it. It’s a very narrow, 3-story brick townhouse with a dormered roof.
TM: That’s not a brownstone.
MB: Neither are these. Give it up.
Jason knocks on the door, and the wonderfully named Pi Gardner, Executive Director, opens it.
TM: That’s almost as good as Thaxter Tewksbury.
MB: But not quite.
Pi interviews: “I hope that we’ll have some answers to some of the questions about the sightings, apparitions, and as a museum, a lot of it can be very damaging, I think, to the image that we need to convey to the public. If there are ghosts here, that’s great, and if there aren’t, well – that’s good, too. At least, we’ll know. And TAPS, I’m sure, will find out for us.”
MB: Do none of these people do any pre-ghost hunt Ghost Hunters research? I know everyone in the first season gets a free pass, but after that, they really have no excuse.
TM: They want to believe.
THE INVESTIGATION
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Saturday 7:35 PM
The exhibition of the moment is called “With this Ring: An 1872 Wedding at Home in New York City.”
Pi: “I’m gonna take you first into the parlors so I can give you a brief introduction. The house was built in 1832, and if you can see Seabury Tredwell, his wife Eliza. The family lived here for a hundred years. There were seven funerals in the house, so there was a lot of death, a lot of that kind of activity.”
TM: That kind of activity?
MB: I hope the editors haven’t squirreled away clips of that bride mannequin for future murdered bride ghosts.
TM: Me, too. Although she’s less disturbing than the Altoona mannequins.
Pi: “The piano you see in the corner, a lot of stories about that piano. People walking down the street at three in the morning, the piano’s playing, they call the next day and they say - you know – ‘Hey – what were you – were you havin’ a party last night?’”
Grant: “Have any of you guys experienced that, who work here?”
Pi: “Oh yes, yes – uh – Kerriane Biele.”
Kerrianne Biele, Museum Volunteer interviews: “I was here working on a Saturday afternoon, and two couples in the house came up and they said ‘Well, who’s playing the piano?’ That piano does have all its original parts but cannot play a tune anymore. It needs to be restored.”
MB: Pianos. It’s always pianos.
TM: I meant to tell you about the piano in a haunted Maine lighthouse. It was a much more enthralling story than Ernie at Ledge Lighthouse. The caretaker slaughtered his wife and the piano because she could only play one tune, over and over again.
MB: I know that impulse.
Pi takes them to a room decorated with flowers, fabric swags, and a fake cake.
Pi: “Here in the rear parlor, the gasolier hanging from the ceiling about a year ago was shaking. One of our guides was giving a tour and this actually started moving back and forth. So let me take you upstairs to the bedroom floor. We get to the top of the stairs, quite often a woman is at the end of the hall, dressed again in 19th-century garb.”
The tour moves to a bedroom with a four-poster canopy bed.
Pi: “This is the bed in which Gertrude died and Gertrude was the youngest child of Seabury and Eliza Tredwell. She was born in the house in 1840. She died in the house in 1933, unmarried, and the story is that she wished to marry Dr. Lewis Walton. Her father forbade the marriage and that she decided she would never marry again and she lived here alone. A lot of people think the apparition is Gertrude.”
We see a photograph of Gertrude. She looks very respectable.
Jason: “Do you guys publicize at all that this place is – uh – haunted?”
Pi: “No. No.”
Jason: “All right.”
Pi: “There’s a lot of activity in this room, a lot of cold spots. A lot of cold wind over in this corner. The editor of a major New York magazine – somebody pushed her from behind but nobody was there.”
Jason: “Where to now?”
Pi: “I’m going to take you down to the original 19th-century kitchen where you’re going to see a very heavy cast iron stove that has been known to shake, so it was explained that it was the express subway. Well, that thing must weigh hundreds of pounds.”
It’s a huge black kitchen range.
Grant: “Oh, yeah.”
Jason tries to shake the stove.
Pi: “Don’t touch.”
She grins, baring teeth. Jason recoils.
MB: You’d think they were in a museum.
TM: Museum people are so fussy about their museums.
Grant, rushing in to cover the faux-pas: “Well, we’ll get to work.”
Pi: “I can’t wait to find out the results.”
Grant: “All right!”
Jason, less enthusiastic: “All right.”
Meanwhile out on the sidewalks of New York, the TAPS gang is looking for trouble.
Dustin: “We should go find a bar.”
Steve: “Heh, find some girls.”
MB: I still find it surprising that Steve is such a party animal. I mean – a policeman!
TM: I don’t think he’s a policeman anymore. Give him a boa and party hat and get out of the way.
The more mature Paula and Andy pay no attention.
Steve: “After the case, we should go do something.”
Dustin: “Phoo, I don’t know, man. I definitely want – I just want to get inside and get started at this point, you know.”
Paula is smiling at something off-camera. There’s a sudden disturbance and mixed cries of “Hey, shit!” and “Dude! What’s that guy?” Steve shouts “Hey!” very loudly. A passing guy has casually picked up a TAPS carrying case and casually walked off with it, although how he missed seeing the camera crew filming everything is a mystery. Further along the sidewalk, he breaks into a run. Steve charges off in hot pursuit, followed by Andy. Dustin must not want to disturb his hair.
MB: That was very oddly set up.
TM: It was re-enacted.
MB: No!
TM: Sure! The camera crew didn’t catch it the first time. So they had to get some production assistant to play the part of the would-be thief. Look at how the camera follows the “thief” even before he picks up the case.
MB: Oh. My. God. That is so stupid. You can’t be right.
THE INVESTIGATION
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Saturday 8:27 PM
The sound guy has added a lot of frenzied guitar music to indicate the TAPS gang is ready to rumble to protect their equipment. Or at least Steve and Andy are. We see Steve running after the thief again.
MB: It is a re-enactment. Cripes. That’s incredible.
TM: The live part of live filming has always been such a problem. Who needs it?
Steve interviews: “So look, sure enough, he had the grade pelican case. The first thing that came to my head is to – uh – get that case back.”
TM: What is a grade pelican case?
MB: It’s the case for the ground-level pelicans. I don’t know. Steve mumbles. It’s a miracle I get half of what I do.
Andy: “Man, that was crazy! Steve just took off out of nowhere.”
The thief drops the case as Steve is catching up to him, and flees.
Steve: “I was just about to tackle him when I lost my footing and he took off, but we’ve got our case back, which is all that matters.”
Jason and Grant have emerged from the tour by now.
Jason: “So I heard some guys stole some equipment?”
Steve: “Yeah, I gave chase all the way up around the corner.”
Grant: “But you got the stuff.”
Andy: “He got the stuff back, yeah.”
Grant: “And you’re all right?”
Steve: “I’m all right.”
Never mind Steve and the thief. Jason is still fuming over being told not to put his oily hands on the historic artifacts.
Jason: “You guys – I think do an investigation in this place is sort of ridiculous. You can’t – touch anything in there.”
Dustin: “What about setting up our cameras? Are we going to have to put ‘em on like out cases and…”
Jason: “Yeah – and there’s a room right down there. Do you think setting up down here is gonna be the best? We can just run wires right out of there?”
Steve: “Yeah.”
Jason, Grant and Andy head back into the house, to the kitchen.
Jason: “All right. In here supposedly the stove shakes, rattles and rolls so, get a high-8 on that.”
Grant: “They thought that one of the reasons that would shake was the express subway. They said they watched it when that goes, and - I mean - it’s a heavy stove.”
Jason: “It’s probably three – four hundred pounds, cast iron stove.”
Andy: “Check it out.”
Jason: “All right. Come on, Andy.”
They go upstairs to the parlor/dining room with the fake cake.
Jason: “I know in here we’ve had the chandelier swinging. It’s – uh – the chandelier looks like it’s moving.”
Grant: “Look out the corner of your eye, you mean?”
Jason: “Yeah.”
Jason interviews: “As I was talking to my guys and telling them where to set up equipment, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the chandelier moving. That was kinda strange because that was one of the reports of activity going on.”
TM: Did you see anything?
MB: No. Did you?
TM: No, damn it.
Steve has shown up at Jason’s elbow, looking like he wants something.
Jason: “All right, what, Steve?”
Steve: “Um - is this the tour for where cameras go, or is this the debunking stuff?”
Jason: “This is gonna be where – uh – the cameras are going.”
Grant: “Both.”
Jason: “Why? You wanna be on – along?”
Steve: “Yeah.”
Jason: “Let’s do it.”
Steve interviews: “I’m responsible for the equipment. To do that effectively I do need to know where the equipment is. There’s not really any reason for Andy to go on that tour. It is never just been Andy on that tour, so it didn’t make much sense.”
MB: Caesar’s corpse is barely cold, and they’re already squabbling over the spoils of Rome.
TM: Caesar? Spoils of Rome?”
MB: The hyenas are quarreling over the fallen wildebeest.
TM: It’s only Steve.
MB: You want hair-pulling. I want drama.
Jason: “If you take one of these DVR cameras and get it right here, ‘cause they hear people walkin’ up and down the stairwell. At the end of the hall, they see a lady in a white down. All right, it’s gonna be a biyotch to set up, so. I’m no e – I’m not even gonna give you time limit on this one.”
Steve: “Well, you couldn’t ‘cause I don’t even know where half the stuff goes, ‘cause, I wasn’t on the…”
Grant, Andy and Jason all start objecting loudly to this line.
Jason: “The only thing you missed was the – the camera downstairs in the kitchen on the stove.”
Andy: “You didn’t miss anything.”
Steve: “Well, I missed the camera on the stove.”
Jason claps a hand on Steve’s shoulder.
Jason: “I didn’t catch you on that. I’m sorry.”
Jason interviews: Steve’s right. We brought Andy around to show him where the equipment should go and it’s Steve’s in charge of it. You know, Steve took it a little personal tonight, and – uh – in the future, I’ll remember that.”
Andy: “Okay. Let’s do it.”
Steve is not done yet, though.
Steve, to Andy: “You should know better, a little bit, ‘cause I’m in charge of all the equipment and that jazz, and if you’re runnin’ around with all the cameras, then you say ‘hey, they’re doin’ the tour now, for the cameras.’ You know what I mean?”
Andy’s eyebrows shoot up. Grant laughs nervously. Steve looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.
TM: You don’t much like Steve, do you?
MB: What’s not to like? The priggish overgrown choirboy is a charmer.
Andy: “Okay. Sure.”
Grant: “We’ve all learned.”
Andy: “Yeah. Let’s move. Yeah. No sweat.”
Jason pats Steve on the back.
Grant interviews: “Steve did say to Andy ‘you know you should have known better.’ No one likes to hear those words.”
Jason: “It’s not like you’re looking’ towards the floor here.”
Grant interviews: “I think if I were Steve I would have said something like did anyone notice I wasn’t here or something like that rather than ‘you should have known better.’ That’s just – makes Andy feel like he’s five years old. You know? Ha ha ha.”
TM: You notice how Grant here is saying Steve should have known better?
MB: Bunch of five-year-olds.
The setting up and laying of wire ensues, with Andy and Dustin working together. Dustin is not satisfied with the angle on one of the cameras shown on the 4-screen monitor.
Dustin: “So I’ll just go tilt that down a little bit. Can I take a walkie and you can tell me if it looks alright?”
Andy: “No.”
Dustin grins and grabs a walkie talkie anyway: “No walkie?”
Andy: “No, no, no. Let Steve call the shots.”
Dustin interviews: “I don’t understand why he’s being so difficult. He’s just over-compensating to try to please Steve.”
Dustin in scene: “Let’s not play this game. I mean…”
Andy: No, it’s – it’s not a game.”
Dustin: “All right.”
Andy: “He got pissed off.”
Dustin: “All right. Well, I’m in the tech department. You’re going to tell me what it looks like.” He shoves the radio at Andy.
Andy: “No.”
Paula is grinning nearby.
Dustin: “Paula, would you just go upstairs, and just tilt that down for me a little bit and I’ll let you know if it looks all right.”
Andy: “Don’t do it. Steve got mad, dude.”
Dustin interviews: “We’ve got an investigation to do. We’re a paranormal team, let’s get this done.”
Andy to Dustin: “In a situation where we’re not allowed to touch anything to begin with…”
Dustin interviews: “Things like this are what really take away time and focus.”
Paula interviews: “Now Andy’s saying he wants Steve to call all the shots. Basically he sounds like he wants us to wait until Steve tells us to do something.”
Steve interviews: “Which is kinda childish.”
MB: Well, who started the childishness, Mister Whiney?
TM: I want to see some hair-pulling and face-to-face verbal dissing. They’re not even throwing any gangsta hand signs at each other. This is highly disappointing. They have better fights on Girlicious, for crying out loud.
MB: They have better fights on Top Chef.
TM: They have better fights on The McLaughlin Group.
Grant interviews: “This is definitely a challenge I’m personally gonna try and make sure that it doesn’t wear everybody down too much tonight.”
Jason interviews: “I think I’m gonna stick Steve and Andy together. I know there was a little tension between ‘em earlier, and it’ll give a chance for Steve to explain why he feels the way he feels and also let Andy explain.”
Jason: “Is everything all set?”
At last, it’s time to go dark.
PARLOR 9:05 PM
Dustin: “So what’s the story with this room?”
Paula: “This room has the famous piano.”
Dustin: “Oh, right, right.”
Paula: “People here think it could be Gertrude because I guess she had an affinity for playing the piano.”
Dustin: “Play us a song, sweetie.”
MB: Pft. No respect for the dead.
The sound guy plays some piano chords that sound more like soap opera theme song than 19th-century parlor music.
Dustin: “It’s just a real sad story with her, huh? With the whole love lost and just kinda spending your whole life just upset about what happened.”
MB: Or, she spent her whole life thanking her lucky stars she was a free woman.
Paula: “Yeah. Gertrude, I bet you when you were alive, you were much better looking than this mannequin here.”
Elsewhere, Steve and Andy are handcuffed together by Jason’s evil machinations. Actually, they’re just hauling the thermal imaging camera around.
Steve to recorder: “Cutting EVP until we get up to the third floor. Ready?”
Andy, with wholly obvious fake cheer: “Mm-hmm.”
TM: Oh, man. Maybe there will be hair-pulling yet.
THIRD FLOOR BEDROOM 9:25 PM
Steve: “All right. Thermal scanning a go.”
He sees something in the camera.
“Is that us?”
Andy, laconic: “Mirror.”
Steve: “Oh, there’s a mirror right there? Are there any spirits in here that would like to speak with us? If you have anything to say…”
The sound man crashes around in his bag of tricks for something scary.
Elsewhere,
Paula: “Do you wanna hang out in this room for a little bit?”
Grant interviews: “Paula and Dustin are at the time now where we could put them together, see how they do together, and see what they’ve learned, and – uh – so far they’re doing great.”
SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM 10:45 PM
Dustin: “I feel bad that you got in the middle of that stuff with me and Andy downstairs, so I apologize for that.”
Paula: “I didn’t feel so much in the middle even though that’s where you guys were putting me. I just felt like I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”
Dustin: “So what’s the story with this room, Paula?”
Paula: “For apparition of a woman in a white dress, who’s been seen in here, and I wonder – it could be Gertrude that we’ve heard about. This is where Gertrude died at the happy old age of 93.”
Dustin: “All right, Gertrude. Let us take a photo. I just want proof that you’re here. I’d love it if you show up.”
He takes a still picture.
Dustin: “Look. Paula, come here. See that? Right above the – uh – headboard. Looks like we got company.”
MB: Bet you it’s an orb.
TM: Can real orbs be seen or can they only be recorded on cameras? I have no bloody idea, and I’ve only listened to Grant explain the difference between real and not real orbs a gazillion times.
MB: I don’t know. They don’t know.
TM: It’s all hooey?
MB: Pretty much.
THE INVESTIGATION
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Saturday 11:38 PM
Dustin interviews in night-vision: “In one of the photos there was a little spot. It has that orb-like look to it. But there’s no reflecting surface. It’s – looks off the lining of this canopy. We’ll see.”
Dustin to Jason and Grant: “I took a photo. It got – it could be just a dust thing.”
Grant peers at it. “Yeah.”
Dustin: “It was under there, you know.”
Jason has no time for orbs: “Has there been any tension in the air, with Andy?”
Dustin: “Um. There was some stuff with Andy during set-up. Andy was like kinda weird with me and …”
Grant: “What about anybody else? Everybody?”
Dustin: “I – Steve and I are fine. Paula and I are fine, right?”
Jason: “Cool. I just wanna make sure everybody’s okay.”
Grant interviews: “The problem with contention in the air is that, I mean, this place is hard enough to investigate and when everybody’s distracted by a little bit of contention and stuff, it just makes it that much harder.”
TM: Hunh. I guess the impulse to touch stuff here must be almost irresistible. Otherwise I do not see why it’s so much harder to investigate this place than the average house. Where also, maybe, you shouldn’t be touching stuff.
MB: Well, we know how they love to rummage. And besides, since they will stagger around in the dark, I guess they could be crashing into things accidentally, and feeling more guilty about it than usual. Because it’s 19th-century furniture and not file cabinets.
Elsewhere, Andy is stomping on the floor.
Andy interviews in night-vision: “I’m basically just walking over the chandelier that is one floor below us at this moment. Steve’s down there with a flashlight trained on the chandelier, paying close attention to see if the chandelier is moving. This is just one way to rule it out.”
Andy in scene: “How was that?”
Steve: I did see the chandelier moving.”
Andy interviews: “This could be someone walking on the floor above causing it to move.”
Steve: “Shall we hit those downstairs rooms?”
Andy: “Sure.”
Steve: “First floor?” You okay? You seem awfully quiet.”
Andy: “Yeahhhh. Got a migraine.”
Steve: “Migraine?”
Andy: “Yeahhh.”
Steve: “Sure that’s what it is?”
Andy, with false cheer again: “Mm-hmm.”
Steve: “Positive?”
MB: Poke him some more with that stick, why don’t you? If he didn’t have a headache before, he’s going to have one now.
TM: Or give Steve one, when he grabs the stick away and whacks him on the head with it.
Jason interviews: “If the tension between Andy and Steve keeps on getting greater and greater then we’re going to have to look at the option of leaving one at home during certain investigations and trying to switch ‘em out.”
Jason in scene: “Are you goin’ to be hookin’ up with Andy?”
Dustin: ‘Yeah- um – where do you want us to go?”
Dustin interviews: “I am a low-stress, easy-going guy. If you got a problem with me, let’s talk about it.”
MB: Okay. Shut up about how cool you are. If you were a low-stress, easy-going guy, you wouldn’t be nattering on and on about this.
TM: Mme. B., do you have a headache?
Dustin and Andy are going upstairs together.
Dustin: “Just watch your step. We’ll walk around, just do a little sweep. PoInt 3, point 2, point 3. Absolutely nothing. I haven’t noticed anythin’, or felt anythin’, no spikes, no nothin’. So why you bein’ so quiet tonight, bro?”
Andy: “I – uh – migraine.”
Dustin: “That’s nothin’ to do with everythin’ with Steve and me and everythin’?”
Andy: “Noop. Got a migraine.”
Dustin interviews, scornful: “He wants to sit there and say ‘I have a headache, I have a headache.’”
Dustin in scene: “If you got somethin’, I’d rather just get it out ‘cause I don’t like bullshit.”
TM: Pull the hair!
Andy is sitting cross-legged on the floor, hands steepled to support his chin, looking downward fixedly.
Andy interviews: “Mm – you can only take so much when people keep coming up to you saying ‘well, what’s the matter what’s the matter what’s the matter’ and everyone’s kind of pushing you.”
Jason appears from somewhere.
Dustin: “I’m tryin’ to clear the air with Andy ‘cause I feel there’s tension between us. We need to snuffin.”
TM: Snuffin?
MB: That’s what I heard. Perhaps it’s an old Rhode Island ritual. Like a pow wow.
TM: A duel would be more better.
Andy is still sitting on the floor staring at it with determination.
Jason: “The only thing I know was when Steve said – uh – that Andy should’ve known better.”
Andy, aggrieved: “And was there any tension there? I didn’t have any issue.”
Jason snorts: “Yeah, well, you know – I’m sure you’re a little bothered by it.”
Andy interviews: “In the future I’ll just be a little more aware and say you know, well, ‘Where’s Steve? Maybe Steve should see where the cameras are go.’”
Grant interviews: “It’s tough for J. and I because these guys are like family. But someone’s off on a night, we try and give them the opportunity to talk about it, overcome it, so everyone is on the team. Everyone is entitled to a bad day. Team work wavered a little bit but you know what? We got the job done.”
MB: Depending on your definition of job.
TM: And done.
Jason: “Let’s wrap it up. Let’s get out of here.”
Grant: “It’s 3 in the morning. Let’s move.”
Steve interviews: “Andy – uh – really pisses me off sometimes. He gets under my skin, but – uh – all in all he’s a really good investigator. Uh – so at the end of the investigation, even if we’ve run into a coupla head butts, he usually comes out of it okay.”
MB: “He,” not “we,” of course.
TM: I’d wear a helmet to head-butt Steve.
Pi: “I thought the investigation was terrific. It was so high-tech; they were so professional. I have no doubt but that if there’s something here that TAPS will have found it.”
Kthanxbai. Times Square rushes past.
Grant: “I know, man. Tonight was just a chore.”
Jason: Seemed like a real slow night at that house, man.”
Grant: “Yeah, but we did investigate the heck out of it. I mean we beat it to death.”
MB: They didn’t even give that house a bloody nose. That house is laughing at them.
Jason: “Oh, we did. I’ll give you that. That was awesome. Now we just gotta go through the evidence, see what we got now.”
Grant: “That’s what it comes down to. It has to come down to that.”
TM: That’s always what it comes down to, isn’t it?
MB: Yes, indeed. Time after time after time. That’s what it comes down to.
TM: You go there, you get the evidence, then you look at the evidence, and you see what the evidence is. Am I right?
MB: Yes. Evidence. Look at it. See what it is. That’s it.
TM: Except, of course, when you don’t have any evidence.
MB: That’s always a problem.
TM: It is. Because then, you know, you got nothing.
MB: Yep.
We are going through a tunnel. There is no light at the end.
THE ANALYSIS
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Sunday 6:15 PM
At TAPS headquarters, it’s June again.
Steve interviews: “We’re getting’ ready to sit down and review all the evidence with Merchant’s House museum and we have a lot to go over. We have a lot of video to watch. Uh – we have a lot of audio to listen to. It’s going to take us a really long time but it’s gonna be worth if we do find something. It’s always worth all the hours you put in once you find that one piece of evidence.”
Andy: “Yes! Finally.”
Steve: What’s up, man?”
Andy: “All right, watch this. The time code’s 10:42:30.”
They’re watching footage from the thermal imaging camera.
Steve: “All right, I don’t know how near I am, do you?”
Andy: “I don’t know. I can’t explain this. Watch this.”
Steve: “Wow.”
Andy: “That’s definitely worth noting.”
THE FINDINGS
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Monday 7:45 PM
Jason: “What’s going on, guys?”
Steve: “Merchant’s House Museum.”
Grant: “Show me the abundance of evidence you have collected.”
Andy: “On thermal we do have one piece of – uh – whatever you want to call it. Let’s play that.”
Ooh – new wall bracket for monitor, because that round table sucks for evidence presentations. Of course, everybody still has to crane around to look at it.
Andy: “And we have it nice and cool, and then it jumps to heat.”
The film jumps from 71 degrees to 65 degrees to 71 degrees so – whatever.
Grant: “Well, if you look at the gauge to the right, you can see the maximum temperature you’re gonna see so when you see white, it’s going to be 75 degrees.”
Jason: “I think that was when we were goin’ around the corner startin’ to head upstairs. I think that my hand or whatever might’ve gotten in front of it. Boom. So where we going next?”
Andy: “As far as the DVR?”
Jason: “Yeah.”
Andy: “Nothing.”
Grant: “Nothing, huh?”
Jason: “Nothing on the high-8’s?”
Grant: “No piano playing?”
Steve: “No audio.”
Jason: “All right, well, you did a good job, guys. Thanks for everything.”
Grant: “All right, we’ll go talk to her.”
Grant interviews: “I’m lookin’ forward to talkin’ to Pi. I think she’s level-headed. She’ll hear us out.”
TM: Two for two. How many times have they struck out altogether now?
MB: I don’t want to count. Drive-by ghost hunting is so incredibly silly. The only thing sillier is the debunking that follows the drive-by.
TM: A coin-toss and a phone call would be much more efficient.
MB: And equally scientific.
THE REVEAL
MERCHANT’S HOUSE MUSEUM
Saturday 3:00 PM
Jason and Grant are meeting with Pi in a lovely little walled garden.
Grant: “We came to this place very impressed with you guys. You’ve been dealing with some paranormal activity.”
Pi, vehement: “Yes.”
Grant: “And looking for some answers. Now keep in mind that this place was difficult for us to investigate because number one, we can’t touch anything.”
Jason, still pissed: “’Cause usually when we come to places we aren’t give restrictions. Uh – the door’s open and they’re like ‘Do what you need to do, try to find the problem.’”
TM: Yeah, Pi, you bithc. Because most people appreciate The Atlantic Paranormal Society is on a sacred mission and is not to be hampered by petty rules.
Pi, diplomatic: “Well, you were great in that understanding that we are a museum and we have to…”
Jason cuts her off, not interested: “Absolutely. We were able to recreate the chandelier just by having a couple people upstairs in the room above it. They got the chandelier to swing. Now is that what happened that day that the – the gentleman witnessed it?”
Grant: “So then it relies on the evidence.”
Pi: “Right.”
Grant: “We recorded hours and hours of video evidence, hours of audio. They came back to us and they could find nothing.”
Pi looks appalled, like she’s been slapped.
Pi: “I’m very disappointed, I will say, I have to admit.”
Jason: “Bottom line is if there is anything actually going on in there, it’s nothing to fear, and I think all your employees and everybody should know that.”
TM: He’s in a fugue state. He can’t remember where he is.
MB: No, that’s how Jason says “You’re all a bunch of boobs.”
Jason’s song and dance of thanks follows.
Pi: “Well, I appreciate your taking the time.”
Grant: If you need us, give us a call.”
Pi: “Will do.”
TM: Will not.
Pi’s last words: I think it was just happenstance that you didn’t catch anything, and maybe one day we’ll get TAPS back and find out that the stuff’s really real.”
Some people never learn.
TAPS HEADQUARTERS
THE NEXT DAY
It’s not June in Warwick anymore, again.
Jason interviews: “We’re on our way to meet Brian. He’s – uh – made a lot of bad judgment calls over the last year, year and a half, and – uh – you know – we stuck him on probation due to this. Brian’s a very important member of TAPS and a close and personal friend of mine. Well, he asked us for some time off recently and we obliged, but it’s coming down to the wire and he’s really gotta decide if he’s gonna be a member of TAPS or not.”
Jason, in van: “I gotta be honest. He’s probably the hardest worker we’ve ever had in TAPS.”
Grant: “The thing with Brian is that he is and asset. I mean he does bring certain positives to it. He is loyal. You tell him to do anything, he’d do it without question.”
MB: And he doesn’t get all pissy about who gets to go on tours.
TM: To be fair, Andy drove him crazy, too.
Jason: “Well, it’s gonna be an interesting afternoon.”
Grant: “Yeah.”
Jason: “Well, let’s get over there and see how this is gonna turn out.”
CITY PARK
NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT
At the edge of some non-descript playing field, with a porta-potty nearby, Brian approaches from one direction, and Jason and Grant from the other.
MB: Look. It’s choreographed.
TM: Brian insisted on having it outside, with room to run. Nice location-scouting. That looks like the kind of place where bodies are discovered by morning joggers.
Jason: “Good to see you.”
Brian: “Nice to see you, too.”
Grant: “How ya been?”
Brian: “Uh – all right.”
Jason: “What’s been goin’ on the last few?”
Brian: “Uh – you know – I been – redevivin – off – thinkin’ I’d come back and no yes no yes no and it’s – you know – it was – it was yes yes yes then no no no then yes yes yes. You know it was just – just a back and forth thing and…”
MB: Before you ask, Brian was nearly incomprehensible here.
TM: Oh.
MB: He was upset.
TM: Okay.
Grant: “What’s makin’ you change your mind?”
Brian: “I don’t know. It was just – (he huff-sighs) I think a lot of it had to do with my home here and my home there, you know , and…”
Jason interviews: “We believe Brian’s in a toxic relationship and it’s not just getting between him and TAPS but it’s really unhealthy for him.”
TM: Toxic relationship. Everyone thinks he’s a shrink these days.
MB: Except for us. We really are.
TM: Yes.
Jason in scene: “Just be honest. Are you back with her?”
Brian: “Yes.”
Grant: “I’ve personally seen you break up with her – three times.”
Brian: “I know. I know.”
Jason: “What are her issues with you being a part of TAPS?”
Brian: “The trips and – you know- going around with every night and no having family time and stuff like that.”
Grant: “I understand what you have here. Believe me, I have it in myself. I have a woman who loves me, I have a family, but I have TAPS, too. I don’t know what makes you think you can’t have both.”
Brian just looks dumbly at them.
MB: I don’t know, but I would think that having to do all the hours and hours of work that Grant and Jason won’t do might be one reason.
Grant: “Now are you afraid to come back because you’ll lose her? Or are you afraid to come back because of us?”
Brian: “A little bit of both.”
Grant interviews: “Brian has always had a problem with lying . Uh – he’s a good kid but he just can’t tell a straight story, and I believe that he’s lying to his girlfriend as well as us.”
TM: Twisty!
Grant in scene: “I told you before, Brian. You’re a nice guy. You really are. The only fault you have is lying to people to make them think you’re a nice guy.”
TM: Even twistier!
MB: Is this really necessary?
TM: Who doesn’t love a gibbeting?
Brian: “Look, I’m sorry, okay. I’m – really am sorry, sorry I (huff-sighs) Imina Imina Imina – I’m an asshole. I really am.”
Grant: “You’re not an asshole. That’s the thing. You’re not!”
Jason: “You just got some serious frickin’ issues.”
TM: Don’t we all?
MB: One of them is named Jason.
Grant: “You keep makin’ yourself one.”
Brian: “I’ve got some serious issues. I really do.”
Jason: “I’ve always wished you the best, Brian. Even though you’re sinkin’ every ship you’re in. You know what I mean? That’s your choice but I’ve always wished you the best. Yeah, you piss me off at times, and you know, of course, your lies wear me really thin.”
TM: Brian is the Flying Dutchman of TAPS.
MB: I think you mean the Jonah.
TM: Maybe Davy Jones?
MB: More like Peter Tork.
Brian: “Yes.”
Jason: “But you know I’ve al- and I’ve always told you to try to get your head out of your ass and you know – fix your life, fix everything else, but you just keep on digging it deeper and deeper and deeper.”
TM: That’s helpful.
MB: It’s nice that Jason has done everything he could.
Grant: “What if you had your chance? Would you say yes or no? Would you stay away or come back?”
Brian: “Stay away.”
Grant: “Okay.”
Jason: “It’s respected.”
Brian: “I just – I just know I’ve ruined one thing with you guys (Jason frown-smiles) and I don’t want to ruin everything. I think I can actually work everything out with her.”
Grant: “Well, I wish you luck, Brian. I wish I could tell you anything else, but – you know?”
Jason: “Good luck.”
Brian: “Thanks, J.”
He puts his hand out to Jason to shake. Jason takes an unconscionably long time to reciprocate, then grimaces and turns his head away while shaking hands.
TM: That will show that no-good Brian.
MB: Pft. Pissy petty pompous puffball.
Grant: “Take care of yourself, man.”
Brian: “Thank you.”
Jason interviews: “I think it comes to a point where we really – we gotta cut ties with Brian. It’s a shame. He’s a good kid. But – uh – (shakes head) it’s just – he’s sinkin’ himself, and I can’t let him take down TAPS with that, so – uh – it’s time to move on.”
Grant: “Well, we came down to try to talk to Brian and see how he was doin’. I’m the kind of guy that wants to help people out. There’s just no helpin’ him, you know? I’m wastin’ my time, my energy, my breath – to help him. I mean everything – I’ve been talking to him for the better part of five – six years trying to get him to figure his life out and he hasn’t done it, so I’m done. I’m tired.”
MB: Ew.
TM: No more Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Nice Guy is tired.
Brian in his white hoodie and blue nonTAPS cap strides off into the twilight.
TM: So Br’er Weasel and Bre’r Wolverine flushed Bre’r Rabbit out of the Briar Patch and ripped him into tiny bits and ate him for supper.
MB: Now available on video and dvd.
Tags: Andy Andrews, Brian Harnois, Dustin Pari, Empire State Building, ghost hunters, ghosts, Grant Wilson, haunted pianos, Jason Hawes, museum, New York, orbs, paranormal, re-enactment, reality shows, Steve Gonsalves, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society, toxic relationships
