False Alarms

A “Ghost Hunters” recarp by Mme. Blahblatsky

The Talking Mongoose tells me this program is supposed to be viewed and judged as entertainment. I remember when I thought it was kind of entertaining. This episode, however…

The Talking Mongoose refuses to help out on this one, except for the rude Disclaimer, so I am on my own. And I’m still in a bad mood. Boredom makes me even crosser than stupidity does. Put the two together and my brain crashes. This is the fifth episode of the second season. Only seventeen to go, sob. And then the third season. And the fourth? I may not make it.

Disclaimer: You know. Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. blah blah blah. Own it, bozos. This is your stupefying product. Proud of yourselves? You’ve reduced Mme. B. to a pale shadow of her normal frolicsome self.

The Narrator, who probably cries himself to sleep every night: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, while Jason and Grant investigate an historic playhouse, Brian’s attention is somewhere else. His distraction affects the whole team, and forces some tough decisions. And then, TAPS investigates a haunted firehouse. Is Steve over his head as the TAPS tech manager? And what will Jason and Grant uncover at the old firehouse?”

There’s a closing shot of Steve, open-mouthed, which pretty much sums it all up.

CREDITS: Paula, Andy – cripes but they’re stingy with their weekly credits. God forbid a millisecond should be shaved off our contemplation of the “stars” of the show to give some regular space to the minions.

Jason: “So we’re on our way to Bradley playhouse in Putnam, Connecticut. A lot of reports of activity up there from the theater personnel.”

At least we’re being spared the usual office pep talk, as we’re in the black vehicle caravan. Jason is driving Grant as always, since those control issues of his preclude his ceding the wheel in any but the most dire of circumstances – like a 781-mile drive to Wilmington, North Carolina. It’s Grant’s turn to wear red, though. I bet Jen Rossi’s red hoodie pisses Jason off no end, but he can’t fight with her about it because she’s a girl.

Jason: “They’ve witnessed everything from an entity running behind them while they’re on stage…

Grant: Supposedly there’s a – the figure of a woman up on the balcony and people just don’t like to go downstairs in the dressing room area, so we’re gonna try to help these people out ‘cause they’re just too uncomfortable. I mean – if you’re an actor you can’t do your part, you’re no good.” He waves his hand helplessly.

This would be true anywhere, no? And anyway, this is just another big fib. These people don’t need help. TAPS is just scrabbling for ghosts as usual. If TAPS can’t find ghosts to hunt, they’re will have to sublet the front room of headquarters to a nail salon.

We arrive in a snowy parking lot in downtown Putnam, population 9,002.

TAPS troops into the Bradley Playhouse.

Pat Green Theater Manager welcomes them.

Pat is giving Jason and Grant “the tour.”

First place visited is a corridor with an ironing board set up in it and costumes hanging from the walls. It’s a fire marshal’s worst nightmare, and the Talking Mongoose bets he came by right after this episode aired. Tch tch.

Pat tells them the theater was opened in 1901, and held almost 1000 people.

Jason says “awesome” twice within the first minute.

Pat: “There’ve been a lot of sightings in the balcony – some members that talk about being on stage and seeing a lady dressed in a long white gown up here in the balcony.”

Jason: “This is the entity known as Victoria.”

Pat: “Yeah, and it’ll be the times when they are on stage and the balcony is empty more than not that they see a lady up here.”

The editors have gotten much more sophisticated, and instead of flashing a shot of a lady mannequin from last year’s Altoona railroad museum, they splice in a green blob to make us quiver. It still doesn’t work, but I like the green blob a lot better than mannequins and skulls.

The tour moves along to the stage.

Jason: “Now has anything been witnessed up here?”

Pat: “Yes, a lot of members have – uh – experienced – uh – an entity or a feeling while they were on stage but most of them speak about seeing a reflection in the glass. They’ll be on stage by themselves performing and they’ll see something go behind them. They describe it as going by in like a flash – like a – something on roller skates.”

A ghost on roller skates would be so cool. Alas, that’s not going to happen.

The back wall of the theater is a window wall about four feet off the floor, to the ceiling, large panes, with a curtain behind to block the view. So when you’re on stage, you can see a reflection of yourself in the glass, and, presumably, any roller skating ghosts behind you.

The tour moves on to a room where there’s a large mirror.

Pat: “This is the area backstage that some of your younger members have see – um – a lady in a white dress. They’ll be looking in the mirror or they’ll come up to check their costume before they go on stage and they’ll see something reflected in the mirror and turn around to see someone that isn’t there.”

Pat interviews: “It’d be my hope that through the scientific investigation TAPS could tell us whether there are entities in the theater or not.”

Jesus, lady. Have you watched this show at all? I guess not.

THE INVESTIGATION

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Saturday 8:15 PM

The children have found hats in a costume box. This persistent TAPS habit of rummaging in other people’s belongings while on the job seems so unprofessional. Only usually it’s Steve and Brian doing it.

Jason, in a bowler: “Get me a turkey!’

Grant, in a newsboy’s cap: “One as big as me?”

Jason: “As one as big as you.”

Steve and Brian stand by, grinning at their hilarious bosses doing Dickens. Apples, meet trees.

Grant then finds a giant green bonnet and gobbles like a turkey, or maybe googles like a baby. I am unsure which. This is what passes for TAPS humor, I guess.

Steve: “I don’t know why they always let him drive that van.”

He is out in the parking lot where Brian is maneuvering.

Steve: “C’mon!” He waves directions and claps. “Chop chop! Cut it! Cut it to the right, Bri!”

Brian: “I got it!”

Steve: “All right.”

The horn sounds.

Steve: “What’s he beepin’ at?”

I think Steve is especially irascible because he’s cold. They’re both outside in short sleeves. It’s Connecticut winter. Didn’t their mothers teach them anything?
Brian: “Wanna hold the keys?” He shoves them at Steve.

Steve: “Why me?”

Brian grabs back the keys, which he needs, anyway, to open the back of the van.

Steve: “I have pockets just like you do.”

Brian: “Yeah, man – all my pockets are full.”

Steve jerks his head towards the camera in surprise/disbelief, and then shakes it. Brian is always asking for these huge favors, like holding his keys. It’s unbelievable.

Elsewhere, Grant is yapping about the team, in case we didn’t already recognize them.

Grant: “So we got Donna on this case. We also got Jill who’s the TAPS archivist. She’s been looking to get more involved in the investigations so we brought her on this one.”

Jill Raczelowski: “I really wanted to come along on this case tonight because I’ve been doing a lot of case research and administrative work and I’ve been really interested in seeing how a case actually works out in the field, so I’m excited to be going out tonight and be a part of it.”

I figure Jill must be responsible for filing all those non-files on the 80% of cases that turn out to be non-cases. And you know the real cases are pretty deadly, as well, what with all those hours and hours and hours of footage of things like cameras focused on empty rooms and the bust of Shakespeare. This might explain Jill’s generally subdued, if not outright glum, demeanor.

Grant: “We also got Paula, who’s relatively new, and she was with us down in New Orleans. She’s a problem solver, she’s a debunker, she’s – she’s very skeptical and – and that’s always good.”

Paula: “I take my background in being a research scientist over to paranormal investigation and hopefully I can help them a lot with their technology and also with their debunking.”

Good luck with that, Paula. If you could invent a point-and-shoot lie detector, it would be useful in all sorts of ways.

Steve and Brian are unloading the vans.

Steve, in lowered voice: “The girls are always saying how they wish they could be more helpful. See me and Brian carrying all this stuff? What are they doing?”

He hisses and points. There’s some raucous noise off to the left.

Steve: “Look at Donna just kibitzing.”

Grant is standing doing nothing. Donna and Jill are flouncing around, and then some evil editor cuts to them dancing on the stage, badly. They perform some sort of jig. It might be a French-Polish version of an Irish jig.

Steve, fake simpering: “Oh, we wish we were more helpful, we wish we were more helpful.”

Steve sounds a tad bitter. Perhaps he is still mourning the loss of Sheri, who carried stuff around like a good girlfriend.

He yells to Brian: “How about some juice?”

Brian: “We got power there now, schmuck?”

Steve: “Yep.”

Brian: “Well, Steve, I may be an idiot but I love my job.”

Cruel cruel editors. This will be so sad in retrospect. Yeah, spoiler. Sue me.

Steve: “Dude, what is this, though?” He holds up some long long blonde curls.

Brian: “It’s your mom’s wig.”

Steve: “My mom’s wig don’t look like that.” He puts it on under his TAPS cap. It’s seriously about four feet long. True, his mom’s wig is more of a pixie cut.

Brian cracks up.

Brian: “You look like the worst – transvestite I’ve ever seen in my life.”

How many transvestites has Brian seen? Is Warwick a transvestite hot spot? Come to think of it, we never get to see much of Warwick.

Jason: “What’s going on?”

Grant: “Ohhhhhh. Rapunzel. How ya doin’?”

Jason: “You make an ugly girl.”

Brian: “Yes, he does.”

Steve: “What’re you talkin’ about? Give me some make-up and I’m good.”

Grant: “Should we call you Stef now?”

Jason: “What about the five-o’clock shadow?”

Brian: “Hey! No Stef.”

Steve: “I’m Portuguese, man. Portuguese women have five-o’clock shadow.”

Everyone bursts into guffaws over this inanity. Steve actually looks more like Cousin Itt than Rapunzel.

Grant, in his Quasimodo voice: “I am Stephanie.”

A phone rings.

Brian: “Oh. My bad. Son of a bitch.”

Grant purses his lips.

Steve interviews: “Brian’s got a new girl and – uh – he seems to be on the phone with her like 24 hours a day.”

Brian interviews: “I noticed a lot of people been lookin’ for me. I’m always on the phone. I’m actually talkin’ to my girlfriend. Um – we just started goin’ out a couple months ago and there’s been a couple of issues that came up.”

Grant: “I feel personally I’ve gotta get – I’ve gotta compensate for his lack of energy. I mean it took me five minutes to untangle the stinkin’ cable to get to the van.”

We get a glimpse of Grant in the dark parking lot, paying out extension cord and yelling wordless curses. It’s very gratifying.

Grant continues to bitch: “That’s why right now we’ve got Paula with Steve.”

Grant shakes his head. It is outrageous that he, Grant Wilson, co-founder of The Atlantic Paranormal Society, should be dealing with extension cords, when he really should be standing somewhere doing nothing, with the other producers. Because he’s a producer, damn it, not a peasant. But Grant doesn’t have to kill Brian, because Steve will do it for him. Steve is a good peasant.

Steve: “I’m gonna kill Brian.”

Paula: “Why?”

Steve: “He’s still on the phone. Like he needs to get rid of this girl ‘cause he’s on the phone – constantly.”

Paula: “He’s on the phone a lot.”

Steve: “I couldn’t find those wires ‘cause he was on the phone the whole time.”

Paula: “The other night, too.”

Brian interview continues: “The last couple days I been on the phone with her just to talk to her ‘cause I miss her a lot and stuff and – and she’s always worried that – since – you know – I’m with TAPS and I’m out and about that I’m gonna cheat on her or somethin’.”

So I’m guessing this is the person who doesn’t recognize the zip code rule. It must be tough having a boyfriend in TAPS, because we know how all the ladies throw themselves at paranormal investigators trailed by film crews.

Suddenly – subtitles! Because the editors really don’t want us to miss this conversation! Donna and Brian are having a fight!

Donna: “Are you on the phone again?”

Brian: “Is that a problem?”

Donna: “We’re on an investigation – you’re always on the phone.”

Brian: “Is that a problem?”

Okay, they’re not exactly having a fight. They’re having “words.” Still, you know, with Donna, that’s as good as a fight. Pretty exciting.

Brian interviews: “Me bein’ on the phone all the time isn’t – is not interferin’ with TAPS. I’m still doin’ my job. I’m still setting up my equipment. I’m still doin’ my investigations. If it’s my off time, it’s none of your business.”

Oh, dear. Do not switch logics midstream unless you want to fall in and drown.

A phone rings.

Brian: “Helloo?”

This is not going to end well.

THE INVESTIGATION

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Saturday 8:46 PM

Grant is putting a mike on the ironing board in the corridor and showing Steve how to trip up people fleeing a fire in a crowded theater. Or something else less exciting.

Grant: “Here’s where I’m putting the mike – right here, Steve, so you know – obviously listening for footsteps, so it we could get people to announce themselves on it? I don’t know if you heard me spread the word on that.”

Steve is throwing extension cord up to Brian on a level above him. Brian catches the end.

Steve, inordinately impressed: “Hey, look at you. Ninja?”

They think they’re almost done setting up.

Steve: “Yeah, we’re just hooking up this one last camera and then we’ll be ready for lights out.”

Brian: “What we’re gonna do is we’re gonna set it up so we can capture that doorway over there and all those seats over there (pointing to back of auditorium) ‘cause that’s where it says they see a white lady over there – a lady in a white gown. So we’re gonna camera all that and see what’s goin’ on.”

Steve: “Bri – come back over here and I’ll throw you the camera.”

Brian: “Kay.”

Steve: “No, weirdo. You can’t do that. Are you crazy?”

Paula titters off to the side.

Jason is messing around with the computers, making life more difficult.

Jason: “You’re connected down here, so, as soon as you get that connected you’ll be all set.”

Brian is seen untangling a mess of extension cords.

Brian: “All right. I’ll be connected in about two seconds.”

Jason: “Got no video yet.”

Brian: “I haven’t plugged it in yet. I gotta find a plug. Can’t plug that in there. You have any adapters, J.?”

Jason: “What is it? Just because it’s a two-prong and you got a three-prong? Grab a pair of pliers, rip out the third piece. It’s only a ground.”

OSHA would beg to differ, but as long as we’re already working in a fire trap, let’s go with the flow.

Brian: “Okay. Lazy son of a bitch. Nothin’ personal.”

I’m with Brian, except the part about it not being personal.

Jason, calling: “Uh – we still don’t have video, Brian.”

Jason interviews: “Set-up is taking – uh – a long time tonight. For whatever reason small things are really droppin’ out on him. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s a personal issue or what but – I’m hopin’ he can pull it together.”

Sure. As if Jason ever hopes for the best. When things go right, he has no reason to yell about things going wrong. Where’s the fun in that?

Brian, calling: “How about now?”

Jason: “Yup.”

Elsewhere, another scene.

Paula: “Ready?”

Jason: “Yeah, sure.”

Grant: “C’mon.

Jason: “Like a ninja in the night.”

Ninjas are on everyone’s mind tonight, evidently.

Paula sprints towards and past us, and is seen behind Jason and Grant reflected in the glass. She then bounces back. I’m not sure why they’re making Paula do the running for this, except that she’s a peasant and they’re not. Run, Paula, run.

Jason interviews: “Generally, the first thing we do is try to debunk the stories. In the case of the theater we wanted to try to debunk the ghostly images that were seen in the glass while people were up on stage.”

Jason, in scene: “First off, of course, if – if anything went behind here that was physical, people in the audience would have noticed.”

Grant: “Reacted.”

Jason: “She would have heard it.”

Grant: “That’s why my best guess is something behind the glass.”

Paula interviews: “The first thing I did was run along the back of the stage and Grant and Jason were looking in the glass to see if it looked the same, and it did not.”

Grant: “Okay – run.”

Paula runs along behind the window wall.

Paula interviews: “I also tried to run behind the glass to see if that would look the same, and it wasn’t as quick. The way the light reflected me, it looked different.”

Jason: “She saw something white go by. That’s not it. We’re runnin’ out of time. We gotta kill these lights.”

Grant: “Yes.” He waves hands, in a gesture of hopelessness.

So – hunh? Giving up so soon? When debunking gets difficult, the debunkers decamp?

Jason: “So let’s do it. Let’s go dark.”

Zero lux time. Pat helps with the switches.

Grant: “All right, we’re dark downstairs, so that’ good.”

Brian: “All right, guys. C’mon. Let’s get down here and do some investigating.”

Paula: “Here we come.”

PLAYHOUSE BASEMENT 1 HOUR INTO INVESTIGATION

Downstairs, Brian has a camera, Paula has a flashlight and – thermometer? Steve is somewhere.

Brian: “You wanna do some EVP work here?”

Steve: “Yeah, I think Grant would like to.”

Brian: “Is there a presence in this room with us tonight?”

Steve interviews: “We often start our investigations with an EVP sweep. Uh – this is in hopes that we will capture some voices that we didn’t hear at the time. (EVP screen definition: “disembodied sounds imprinted on audio recording devices) We’ll listen to these recordings later and – uh – hope that we do hear something.”

Brian: “We would like to help you move on from this world.”

Steve: “Give us a sign of your presence – visual, or verbal.”

The editors must be almost as bored as me, because they split the screen to produce two identical Steves, for no discernible reason. They are doing editorial doodling.

Paula: “Are you the one that they see when they’re on stage sometimes?”

Jason and Grant are back at the monitors. It’s February 12, 2005, 11:12 PM.

For the Talking Mongoose’s benefit, I will point out that this is happening before we got dragged to Louisiana and North Carolina in the past weeks. We are time-traveling again.

Grant: “There’s Donna. There’s Jill.”

Which takes us to – Donna and Jill in night-vision upstairs. Donna opens a squeaky door. They peer into an office.

PLAYHOUSE OFFICE 11:45 PM

Donna: “It’s all in disarray. What’s that picture of?”

Jill: “The dress? Gorgeous.”

Donna: “That’s really – that’s a creepy picture.”

It’s a little girl with one arm held out, in a long white frilly Victorian nightgown or angel costume, with a crown of flowers. The sound guy adds some quavering stringy sounds.

Jill: “That’s exactly what I would picture Victoria looking like.”

Donna: “Yeah. Me, too.”

Jill: “I mean, not that that’s a picture of a ghost.”

Donna: “No.”

Jill: “But that’s what I pictured when they said her – like – Victoria in a white dress – that’s what I pictured.”

Donna: “Yeah.”

This is getting way too meta for me. I need coffee, and I don’t even drink coffee.

PLAYHOUSE BASEMENT 2 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Brian: “Guys!”

Steve: “Yes, Bri.”

Brian: “Bang this. That was a trap door, dude!”

Steve: “It’s planks of wood over concrete.”

Paula: “Hope Brian doesn’t fall in.”

Steve: “Yeah, Brian. Don’t fall in.”

Brian has picked up a piece of flooring to reveal a sheet of wood about 2 feet x 4 feet x ½ inch, which he proceeds to step on.

Brian: “Fuck this shit.”

He pulls it up to reveal rubble immediately beneath.

Steve: “It’s a trap door of concrete.”

Paula: “Yeah, try not to fall in.” She laughs at her own repeated joke.

PLAYHOUSE BALCONY 1:04 PM

Donna is sitting up in seats with Jill, holding a mike.

Donna: “Victoria, are you here?”

Jill: “Why do you sit up here, up high in the balcony?”

Donna gives a heavy sigh. “Oh, man.”

Jill: “Are you getting anything?”

Donna: “Yeah. Yeah.”

Jill: “Do you think it’s Victoria?
Donna: “I don’t know. It’s – it’s – it’s like a sadness. I don’t know where it’s coming from.”

It’s coming from your audience, who wish they were watching Season 2 of Kid Nation.

Donna interviews: “I’m not saying I’m psychic. There’s a lot of things I feel that I – and I sense, but I’m very hesitant to speak of them because we’re going in as a scientific endeavor, you know. We’re not going in to feel things out. I just keep the information to myself or I speak to others who I know are sensitives as well.”

Does that include Jason, when he isn’t eating green olives?

Donna in scene: “It could be because you know – really dark up here, it’s up in the corner. It just feels like, you know – a heavy heart.”

It could just mean you’re on another pointless TAPS stake-out.

Jill: “Right, but I don’t – it’s not for me – it’s not overwhelming sadness falling but we should maybe come up here with EMF or something like that.”

Donna: “Okay.”

Jason and Grant are still at the monitors. What the frig?

Steve, sotto voce: “Right now we’re at the balcony upstairs…”

PLAYHOUSE BALCONY 2:08 AM

Steve: “…where supposedly you see a lady in white.” He switches to a normal voice. “Please make yourself known. We only want to document your presence. I just got a 4.0 from nowhere . That was a big spike. And I can’t find the source.”

Brian: “Could it be maybe the lights above ya?”

Steve: “No, Brian. This is – I got a point 6, point 5, point 7.”

Paula: “What about the fire alarm stuff?”

Grant interviews: “When we use the EMF, what we do is we go around, we try and find the base reading. Every room, every area is going to have some base reading. Typically it’s below a one, like a point 7 or something like that, and then as we investigate we’re looking for any kind of spikes. So as we go around and we look for these spikes, the higher the number the more intense the electromagnetic field is, and the more intense the field is, the more potential there is for some severe paranormal activity.”

They are recycling interviews now. “Severe paranormal activity.” If only. My dream of severe paranormal activity would be to see Jason and Grant chased by a broom, and if the broom could get in a few good solid whacks, that would be perfect.

Steve: “Point 6. It’s not this ‘cause I’m getting’ point 7, point 6. Where’d that come from?” He moves his meter around.

THE INVESTIGATION

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Sunday 2:43 AM

PLAYHOUSE BALCONY 6 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Steve: “Man, that was a big spike. I can’t find the source.”

Steve interviews: “We got a spike of 4.0 on this EMF detector – uh – and then it disappeared. It didn’t come back. A spike like that could indicate paranormal activity but unfortunately since it didn’t come back – uh – I’m going to have to throw that reading away.”

Elsewhere,

Jason: Well, I definitely think this is an interesting place.”

Grant: “A lot of visual apparition, not a lot of audio. It’s usually the other way around.”

Jason: “Mmm.”

Grant: But you know you’re in a house of lights, you know, and weird angles. You got some – these eight panes of glass. You got mirrors and stuff.”

Steve and Paula are still in the balcony.

Steve, sotto voce: “You’ll know, like when you walk into a place, you’ll know if it’s haunted – you’ll get a feeling. And if you don’t get an initial feeling, you’ll get that feeling when you get into where this thing is, you know what I mean?”

Paula: “Mm-hmm.”

Steve: “Like there’ve been times when I thought a place wasn’t haunted but then I’ll – I’ll start investigating a certain room and then all of a sudden you’re like – you know what? This place might be haunted and then all of a sudden you start getting EMF’s and EVP’s.”

A phone shrills.

Brian: “Uh, that was me. That was me. That was me.” He looks at his phone screen. “Yep, that was me. My bad. I gotta figure out how to shut those buttons off.”

Steve grins.

Jason, to Donna and Jill: “We are going to start wrapping up.”

Steve interviews: “Paula worked out really good tonight. All the questions she asked for the EVP were right on the money. I think she’ll be probably one of the better investigators.”

It is terribly hard to ask good EVP questions. Most people go with dumb stuff like “What is tonight’s lottery number?” and “What happened to Judge Crater?”

Paula: “I think tonight went okay. Uh – we worked pretty well as a team setting up and taking down the equipment.”

Outside in the parking lot, Brian picks up an orange traffic cone and yells “Ricola!” through it, then grins at the camera.

Brian is really the only person who makes this show worth watching.

Paula continues interview: “However – um – maybe some of the group didn’t take the investigation as serious as they might have, but I can’t say I didn’t goof off a little bit myself.”

Paula is seen making a mustache for herself out of black electrician’s tape, which she dons for Grant’s amusement.

The van door slams.

THE ANALYSIS

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Monday 1:15 PM

It’s suddenly June in downtown Warwick!

Brian: “All right – so you wanna hit up the EVP – tapes?”

Steve: “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

Brian: “I’ll start the DVR systems. Want a Newton?”

Steve shakes head. Brian eats the Newton. It’s impossible to tell what kind of Newton it is. I hope it’s fig. Those red ones aren’t so great. Time passes.

Brian: “What was that? It started from over there. Then it swooped down and came around and came this way and like four things followed it.”

Steve: “I think it’s dust.”

More time passes.

Brian: “Dude – oh, whoa, whoa.”

Steve: “Dust.”

Brian: “Think so?”

Steve: “Yep.”

More time passes.

Brian: “That’s pretty cool.” He points to an orb.

Steve: “If you want to write it down for somethin’ to show ‘em.”

Brian: “Somethin’ to show ‘em, yeah.”

More time passes.

Brian: “What about the hall?”

Steve: “Bug.”

Brian: “Look look look look look. It disappears.”

Steve: “I changed my mind. Dust.”

More time passes.

Brian: “Okay. That was pretty cool.”

Steve: “I think it’s dust, though.”

Brian: “Will you give me something, once?”

Steve: “We did. Remember?” He points to the orb notation he allowed.

Brian laughs: “One thing.”

THE FINDINGS

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Tuesday 4:45 PM

Brian: “Well, on Bradley, we got one thing.”

Steve: “What makes this one maybe not dust, bug – is the longevity of it and how long it stays in frame like…”

Grant: “It’s a big room, too.”

Steve: “It’s – it’s – it starts at the stage and comes all the way behind camera. Whatever it does behind us, I don’t know but…”

Grant: “Yeah – uh – the thing you gotta remember is that you don’t know exactly how far out that thing is. That could still be in front with the cameras, guys.”

Steve: “That does – uh – change size, though – like it…”

Grant: “Right, but you still don’t know how big it is.”

Oh god. These arguments about orbs.

Grant interviews: “Orbs are just collections of energy. They are not entities in any way (sneers). A real orb is what is called plasma lights. It’s a natural phenomenon, it’s a natural form of energy much like lightning.”

Grant has been hanging around the party store too much. As for what a real orb is – your guess is as good as mine. Grant can only describe what it isn’t. I think he might as well give up at this point.

Jason: “So I’m wondering did some kind of a blower unit turn on that’s shooting…”

Brian: “Well, there is a blower unit in the back.”

Grant: “The one right over here.”

Brian: “You can hear it – like bloooooit.”

Jason interviews: “A lot of times in pictures or on the DVR system we catch what appears like it could be an orb. It could be anything from dust particles in the camera actually pixilating around the object, to – uh – moisture in the atmosphere.”

Grant: “So, in the theater you got absolutely nothing.”

Steve: “Nothing.”

Brian shakes his head.

Steve: “I saw you guys trying to debunk – um – when you were onstage with the running and the people with the glass. Did you get anything out of that?”

Jason: “Honestly, I just think maybe it was a – little thing with light that might have screwed up their eyes while they were up there or whatever. You need to remember also something passed behind them and they could see the reflection of it, then all those people in the audience could see what was behind them. I know Donna was claiming that she was getting some feelings but – can’t base an investigation on feelings, simple as that.”

Steve: “That’s true.”

Ah-ha! So they really didn’t debunk. They just dismissed. That’s convincing. Not. It seems to me that ghosts as wholly unknown quantities could easily show up as reflections while not showing up physically, in three dimensions because – heck – they’re ghosts. But I understand that TAPS doesn’t want to waste time on silly hypotheses after they’ve decided all those people at the Bradley Playhouse are bonkers. Who really cares if some poor actor can’t do his part because he is so frightened by entities zipping through mirrors and windows? Because it’s all made up, including the part about the actors being frightened. And now I’ve managed to forget where I was going with this. But basically, the TAPS conclusion to the Putnam mystery seems to be the always cogent “whatever.”

THE REVEAL

BRADLEY PLAYHOUSE

Wednesday 3:00 PM

Jason drives, as always.

Jason: “Uhhhh. You ready?”

Grant: “Yes.”

Jason: “I think it’s really going to come down to what do the people at this theater want to believe. Do they want to believe it from a spiritual or just a feeling aspect or do they want to believe it from a scientifical aspect?”

Educated people go for the scientifical over the feeling.

Grant: “We could easily tell them what they want to hear. We don’t work that way. We tell them what we find.”

Jason: “Well, and because the way we do things is why that we’ve built such a respectable foundation for our group over the years and I’m not gonna change that for anybody.”

Grant: “Nah. When you gotta tell them what they don’t wanna hear, you’ve gotta have the backbone to be able to do that.”

Jason: “There’s just a lotta groups out there that really make this field hard, let alone there are some out there that are collecting paychecks from every investigation.”

Grant: These groups, they go out there, they tell the people what they wanna hear, and they collect money for it. I mean that honestly if you step back and look at it, it’s like how can you take that and expect to be credible.”

Jason: They’re nothing but a glorified paranormal group with a 1-900 number.”

As opposed to TAPS, which only has a fake reality television show. Life is so unfair.

Thank god they’ve reached Putnam. Listening to these two congratulate themselves isn’t even as much fun as sweeping up cluster flies.

Conveniently right next door to the Bradley Playhouse is “The Cosmic Cat,” a “New Age Metaphysics” shop advertising psychic and tarot readings in the window, as well as a “Past Life Class.” But we don’t get to go in, which is too bad, because we could have found out that Jason in a past life was an overseer at the pyramids and Grant was a frontier schoolmarm.

Jason and Grant sit down with Pat Green at a table in the auditorium.

Grant: “So we came here – um – to the theater with two goals in mind – one to actually capture evidence for you guys – um – so we can give you some answers and also for our own research purposes. One of our members – um – had certain feeling up in the balcony. Feeling is – is – not worth much honestly when you’re trying to validate something. (he laughs) We sat up here on the stage and tried to debunk this – uh – (he waves his hand) apparition that has gone by and honestly, when we did all the math, it just didn’t add up. We couldn’t prove it. We also looked at the chairs are going up and down and I mean it’s impossible to get the chairs to stay down without holding it.

Pat smiles slightly, her first expression to date, and waves her hand dismissively: “I haven’t seen it, either.”

Jason, laughing with glee over finding his soul mate: “So you understand where we’re coming from.”

Pat: “I understand. I haven’t seen the chair go up and down or the lady in the glass or anything.”

Jason: “Your own feeling, Pat. Do you believe this place to be haunted?”

Pat: My own experiences haven’t shown me an entity or a ghost or a spirit here.”

Jason: “Oh, so now see – look at you and sometime you seem similar to us that ya – ya want the evidence. Ya – ya want something that you can look at.”

Pat: “I’m a skeptic.”

Jason and Grant cheer.

Pat: “It’s – uh – it’s the old mother skeptic thing.”

Jason: “We were unable to capture any video or any audio footage in this place. I think when it comes down to it, we’re not questioning what – what people at the Bradley have seen…”

Grant: “Of course not.”

Jason: “All we’re stating is the facts that we didn’t catch anything during the period we were here.”

Jason extols the wonderfulness of the Bradley Playhouse people, or at least the skeptical ones. Grant goes so far as to call Pat a “sweetheart.” He is so happy he doesn’t have to display a backbone after all.

Pat’s last words: “I’m almost relieved that TAPS didn’t find anything because then no one can say – you know – they just put it in there to sensationalize it. Um – the people who believe will still believe and those who don’t won’t, and that’s kinda the way it’s been and that’s kinda the way we like it.”

Well, then. Great! Why did we come here again? Those actors who were useless because they were afraid to – oh, who cares? If TAPS can’t find any ghosts, I guess we don’t have to worry.

We leave Putnam and February.

We are spared Jason and Grant congratulating themselves yet again on the way home because the time is needed for some slightly more thrilling Brian drama.

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

THE NEXT DAY

3:30 PM

A tree is in full leaf and flower outside. It seems to be June.

Brian in red t-shirt knocks on a closed door. It’s Jason and Grant’s office.

Jason: “Come in.”

Brian: “Hey, can I talk to you guys for a sec?”

Jason: “What’s up?”

Violins play suspenseful chords.

Brian: “Gotta talk to you guys. Um.” He pulls a chair up to the table/ desk. “As you know there’s been a few problems.”

Jason has on his pissy face, as usual.

Brian: “A few things I’ve been dealin’ with outside of TAPS, and uh…”

Jason: “You’ve been dealin’ with them inside of TAPS.”

Brian: “That’s what – that’s what I’m sayin’.”

Brian interviews in shirtsleeves outside in a February alley: “It’s difficult comin’ in today – talk to Jason and Grant, especially Jason – uh – ‘cause he really does – uh – intimidate me sometimes, you know, with his yelling and his screaming sometimes he does to me.”

Brian in scene: “Lookin’ at – uh – takin’ some time off. Uh – had some –uh – you know had some problems in the last few weeks with phone calls, stuff happenin’ at home and I know it’s been affectin’ with – the way – judgment on cases – my attitude on cases…”

Jason interrupts: “It’s been affecting a lot of things and a lot of people. One case alone you spent three hours on the phone.”

Brian: “Yeah, I know. That’s why I figured I’d have to step aside, step in the background for a while and take care of my business.”

Grant: “You told me you promised me that you would try harder and I don’t know that that’s really happened.”

Jason: “Bri. Bri – me and you used to be together for four, five, six days of every week, you know what I mean? You were there with my kids, you were there – we were just always hangin’ out, and then you changed, and everything became a lie, to the point where Steve would just be talkin’ to me, he’d walk over, see you on the phone, and you’d tell Steve you were on the phone with me, which he knew – he was just talkin’ to me – that you weren’t on the phone with me, and it’s just many other scenarios that we won’t even get into. So, to be honest with you, I think you should take some time.”

Brian: “All right, I will.”

Jason: “When you get yourself straightened out, I think you should give us a call at that – that point.”

Brian: “That – that’s fair. I’ll give you a call and…”

Jason: “Good luck, man.”

Brian: “Thanks. Appreciate it.”

He leaves, grabs his jacket from a hook, and goes out the back door. Put your jacket on, Brian!

Goodness. That was – anticlimactic. Jason couldn’t even manage to pound a fist on a desk when he declared “everything became a lie.” I think they all rehearsed the scene so many times, they just lost interest. So did I.

Brian is gone. But he’ll be back, so there’s no point getting hysterical about this.

CASE #2 HARRIS FIRE STATION

Friday 5:15 PM

In the front room of TAPS headquarters, Donna and Dustin sit in chairs, and Steve and Andy sit on stools behind them, arranged like a neat little class. Grant and Jason enter room from the back. Grant’s in a red shirt again.

Jason: “What’s going on, guys?”

“Hey hi how are ya” choruses the class.

Jason: “Everybody ready for tonight?”

Grant: “You guys know what’s up tonight? We got a fire house…”

Jason: “Built in 1887 – um – there’s been reports of hearing footsteps upstairs, apparition at the end of the bed – uh…”

Grant: “The activity that’s goin’ on there is such that the – uh – morale is really dropping and they may risk losing volunteers, which there’s not enough firemen out there to being with.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and no.

Jason: “A lot of the newer guys also don’t wanna be – be upstairs alone so…let’s do it.”

Donna makes a sympathy face.

Grant: “Get my coat.”

Six people, three giant black vehicles, caravan to Coventry. TAPS doesn’t believe in that silly global warming business.

Jason: “Well, this is going to be pretty interesting tonight. What I’m really – uh – looking forward to at this fire house is tryin’ to take some of the stories that have been there a long time, put them to the test and – uh – seein’ what’s fact and what’s fiction.”

Grant: “I think we got a good team tonight, too. I think it’s just gonna be well-oiled machinery. It’s gonna go smooth.”

Jason: “This is the first case without Brian so it’s going to be really interesting to see how Steve handles being – uh – the unofficial tech manager.”

Steve, in van, to Dustin: “Good team tonight.”

Dustin: “Yeah, this should be good.”

Dustin is still a “tech trainee.”

Steve: “Me and you on the tech, Andy doing the debunking, perfect size.”

Dustin: “Yeah, we won’t be stumbling over each other at all.”

Because they were doing that all the time when Brian was around. Bastards.

Alas, there will be no Ricola horn-blowing on the traffic cones tonight.

HARRIS FIRE STATION

COVENTRY, RHODE ISLAND

at twilight.

Jason and Grant go in to meet William Fontaine, Fire Chief, and Ted Dion, Fire Fighter. It’s tour time.

Ted: “All right, guys, this is – this is one of our hot spots. From time to time we’ll get members that’ll say that they see like silhouettes – uh – walking into and out of the stairwell.”

Grant: “That door right there?”

Ted: “That door right there. I’ve seen it myself.”

Jason: “Can we walk that way?”

Ted: “Certainly.”

There’s an Igor joke just going begging here, but I’m too enervated to bother.

Ted interviews: “I’m hoping that with TAPS being here that we can find out what’s going on – whether it’s truly a haunting or if it’s our imaginations running wild. You know, we sit around the table and we toss these stories back and forth. I’d love it to be something that would be factualized that we could say yeah, you know somethin’ – somethin’s goin’ on here.”

Ted, in scene: “This is our common area dayroom, with kitchen, and our bunkroom is behind this wall here. Um – again a lot of visions of people comin’ in, silhouettes.

Chief Fontaine: “I’m not sure of the dates but I was told that this used to be used as a funeral parlor – um – because they didn’t have anything local so they used to do the showings here.”

Steve backs a van into the fire house garage.

Steve: “All right, Andy, we’ll just set up central command, get it goin’.”

Steve interviews: “The tech supervisor in this case – uh – made the call to bring the van in here, get it all set up in the bay but when it finally comes down to it J. and Grant will let us know where they want it, whether it’s in the van or not in the van. Hopefully we won’t have to move it but if we do, we will. Uh – I think it makes the most sense being here.” Why is Steve talking about himself in the third person all of a sudden? Has the new responsibility gone to his head?

Dustin: “From now on, we should only work out of places that have big garages.” Dustin, you could go be a bus driver if it’s that important.

Jason and Grant come in to inspect. The following scene is totally fake, badly acted, and just plain… but wait! It’s entertainment. Except it isn’t entertaining, so is it still entertainment? Perhaps it is entertainment product, like Velveeta is cheese product?

Jason: “Hey. Hey! Who told you to bring this in here?”

Grant: ‘Who brought the van inside?”

Dustin exits the van to give the camera a view of Steve inside.

Steve: “’Cause – uh – it makes some more sense.”

Jason: “Steve, use your freakin’ head. Look – right there. That’s where they get all the – the calls in and everything else (pointing to a desk nearby with radios and buttons, which looks official). You can’t be here. Get the van out. Get the van out now.”

Grant: “What if they have to start in the middle of the night? You’re going to screw everything up.”

Steve is grinning. He’s ruining the scene.

Jason: “I don’t see a smirk on my face. I see you smiling. Get the van outta here! Now!”

Dustin is grinning. Steve gets out of the van, staring at Jason and smiling. Jason breaks into a chortle. Everyone laughs and laughs. It’s so funny to see Jason pretend to be the asshole he really is.

Jason interviews: “For the last couple years we’ve had some really hard issues – uh – getting things done, always having to be on top of it – you know – just looking over people’s shoulders and – uh – I can honestly say that I don’t feel that anymore, and everybody knows what they need to do. Everybody gets it done.”

Well, everybody except Jason and Grant.

Grant: “Who had the idea to bring it inside? That’s pretty smooth.”

Steve: “Well, it made the most sense – bring it in here, set it all up, you know – under shelter and…”

Grant: “This is beautiful!”

Jason: “Well-oiled machinery, G.”

For once Jason actually looks genuinely pleased. It won’t last. Well-oiled machinery is boring. Squeaky wheels are the spice of life.

Jason interviews: “Me and Grant came downstairs to find Steve. He had already had the whole truck set up and – uh – I can definitely say we expected to come down and have to – uh – tell ‘em to bring the truck in, get it all set up, everything else. We didn’t have to.”

Jason in scene, with Steve yepping continuously: “You got the four cameras, set up on the DVR, otherwise you walk through this with the high-8 and the mini-DV. You got the wireless audio in there. How long do you figure?”

Steve: “40 minutes.”

Jason: “40 minutes. All right. So it’s 8:05.”

Steve: “That’s with a ten-minute buffer.”

Jason: “That’s not a problem. 9:45.”

Steve: “9:45.”

Jason: “9:45.”

Steve: “So we’ll be up and running at 10:00.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

The unwinding and stringing of extension cords proceeds.

Grant speaks sotto voce and the editors think it is so important that they put his words in subtitles!

Grant: “Jay – It’s so much smoother. It’s so much smoother.”

Grant interviews: The only thing that’s different is obviously Brian’s gone. That’s the only thing that’s changed since Steve’s in control and it’s just runnin’ smooth.”

Steve: “What time is it?”

Jason bursts into cackles: “Well, you did it, man. You’re actually – uh – you’re one minute late. Well, we’ll just dock you out of the paycheck a minute.”

Steve: “Paycheck? Sweet. I’m getting a paycheck?”

Jason laughs. Grant laughs. Jason slaps Steve on the back.

I slap myself on the forehead to regain consciousness.

THE INVESTIGATION

HARRIS FIRE STATION

Friday 10:30 PM

FIRE STATION KITCHEN

1 HOUR INTO INVESTIGATION

Steve: “Dustin and Steve are now in – uh – the large room – the kitchen. Point 3 to point 9 is my base reading for the room. I’m getting a 1.4 right here. 1.3. 1.4. Dissipating again. Point 6. 1.2, 1.9 – I don’t know, man. It’s comin’ from nowhere. I will – I have gone every single direction and the points dissipate. The reading’s gone, Dustin.”

Donna and Andy are talking to Ted somewhere else.

Donna: “You were at the lockers, correct? The red lockers over there. You were standing and facing the lockers. Out of your peripheral vision to your left which would be right over here, you see a figure moving.”

Andy: “Is it – is it flat or does it have depth and shape to it?”

Ted: I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t call it flat because it’s enough to catch my attention where I – I…”

Andy: “To – to make you think…”

Ted: I turn around to look at it…”

Andy: “That it’s some…?”

Grant interviews: The first thing that we collect are the claims from the people, the stories, and what we do with them is we try to recreate them, therefore try to debunk them, so if someone comes in and tells us they hear banging in the walls, uh – the first thing we do is set about trying to figure out what could naturally cause that bang in the wall besides paranormal activity. Sometime you could look and you could try all day long and you can’t find a satisfactory reason, and then you’re stuck with something that’s worth considering.”

Unless you don’t want to consider it, in which case dismissing it works, too. Grant has already forgotten that pesky roller skating ghost, because it was over a month ago that they were in Putnam. Time travel wreaks havoc with short-term memory.

Andy: “So if you can, explain to me this ‘pass’ episode that happened.”

Ted: “Okay, well, I guess they were all racked out in the bunkroom, they were in bed asleep and they work up to one of these personal alarms going off.”

Grant interviews: “Every uniform at the fire station has what’s called a ‘pass unit’ on it. Each unit has a little pin in it that is actually attached to the fire struck so when the fire fighter jumps out of the truck, it pulls that pin and arms the device and should something happen to that fireman, it sends an alarm to everyone else to know ‘hey, man down – we gotta go in and get him.’”

Ted: “When they came downstairs they found several of them just blinking, and another several of them in full alarm.”

Andy: “In the case of the personal alarm systems I believe it’s called the ‘pass’ – uh – again – went into it thinking that I was going to be able to nail that one right on – on the dot. It’s an electrical piece of equipment so there’s tons of electrical failures that happen. After looking into that, none of it can be used to debunk it.”

FIRE STATION BEDROOM 11:30 PM

Steve: “Dustin and Steve upstairs in the – uh – bedroom that’s connected to the – the loft area in the kitchen.”

Dustin: “I’ll tell ya, man, until I see otherwise I stick by my theory that’s just stories handed down to razz the probies, and they just get kinda caught up in ‘em over the years.”

Dustin thinks Ted is fabulizing?

Steve: “Is there anyone here that would like to speak to us? We would like a sign of your presence, please. What was that? Did you hear that?”

Dustin: “Yeah, I did, but I don’t know what it was.”

Steve: “Like a squeaking. Can we have another sign of your presence please? If that was a sign?”

There’s a sort of bang.

Dustin: “What was…”

Steve is gape-mouthed for a long minute.

Steve: “Maybe that’s a delayed sign of its presence.”

TAPS MOBILE COMMAND UNIT 12:00 AM

Grant: “So what I’m lookin’ for is what kind of frequency this operates on or anything, I mean – I got the website up.”

Andy: “Oh, you drew up the website. Awesome.”

We see a page of product specifications.

Jason: “Can I see that for a sec?”

Andy: “Sure.”

Jason: “Now, when this goes off…”

Andy: “Mm-hmm.”

Jason: “It sends a signal to something else.”

Grant: “To this unit, J.”

Andy: “To that unit there that’s in all of the trucks.”

Grant: “It’s in on the trucks.”

Jason: “So there’s a frequency that allows this to send, there’s gotta be a frequency that allows it to receive.”

Ansdy: “Mm-hmm.

Grant: “Yeah, right, ‘cause it can receive an evacuation signal.

Jason: “If this receives a frequency…”

Grant: “Well, that’s what I’m lookin’ for is a frequency this operates on.”

Jason: “It’s gonna be the only logical explanation of why all these would go off…”
Andy: “Go off…”

Jason: “At once, whether the key’s in it or not.”

Andy: “Yeah, so you’re sayin’ it – it – even if it wasn’t that unit itself as long as it was that same frequency going by…”
Jason: “I – I’m going by the – the site – even a – even a CB radio that only covers 40 channels…”

Grant: “It’s like your wireless router at home that shuts off when your phone rings.”

Jason: “2.4 gigahert yeah. Who would have thought that a 2.4 gigahert – you know – portable phone would shut down a wireless routing system?”

Andy: “Right. The personal alarm system, if we’re looking at it from the standpoint of some kind of spirit activity, that’s pretty complex and pretty involved as far as setting that stuff off.”

FIRE STATION KITCHEN 3 HOURS INTO INVESTIGATION

Jason: “What’s goin’ on, guys?”

Dustin: “What’s up?”

Jason: “Not much.”

Steve: “Nothin’ at all.”

Jason: “Did you guys get any readings up here?”

Steve: “We got a slight EMF fluctuation right next to the couch. It was – uh – the base reading’s about point 3 to point 7. It went up to about 1.9 was the highest reading.”

Jason: “Did – did it seem to move or…”

Steve: “No, it was here.”

Dustin: “No, it stayed right there, right in front of the couch.”

Steve: “Yeah, yeah.”

Jason: “So almost like something was – some thing was there.”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Jason: “And it was gone. Well, why don’t you two – uh – go downstairs, take a break for a few. We’ll chill out up here.”

Steve: “All right. See you guys.”

Donna is sitting at the monitor in the van. It’s March 26, 2005.

Grant, staring at a meter: “What the heck? Now it’s holding steady at a 4.”

Jason: “Maybe we have company.”

Cracking sound.

Jason: “What the heck was that?”

Grant: “Somethin’ just turned on over there. It just turned on. Volume maxed.”

TAPS MOBILE COMMAND UNIT 1:29 AM

Andy and Dustin are now watching monitor showing Jason and Grant. Steve and Ted are also hanging around.

Steve: “What happened?”

Grant: “You can’t even turn it on. It’s turned on max. Now watch the…”

Jason: “Yeah, I heard a pop.”

Grant: “Look, you can’t even turn it on from here.”

Jason: “Turned on by itself.”

Andy to Dustin: “Interesting. What are they talking about – the t.v.?”

Dustin: “I don’t know. They said the volume – they said turn down the volume was on max.”

Well, something must have happened, because everyone is getting incoherent.

Andy: “That’s just the t.v., right? That’s the only thing up there. Do you have a stereo up there or anything?”

Ted: “No, just the t.v. and the surround sound. Got my interest now.”

THE INVESTIGATION

HARRIS FIRE STATION

Saturday 2:08 AM

FIRE STATION KITCHEN 4 HOURS INTO THE INVESTIGATION

Jason: “Somethin’s movin’ like that of course you want to try to track it and - uh – whatever it was, it moved, then it came back, and the power came back. You know Grant went down to see about havin’ somebody research this thing.”

Grant to Andy: “What we had was we had a…”

Andy: “I heard. High spikes.”

Grant: “Some had high spikes but the sound system turned on twice by itself.”

Andy: “And I asked around. The remote for that – went dead like three years ago.”

Jason: “Hey, what’s going on?” He’s ready to quit. They’ve got 30 hours of video, 10 hours of audio, wrap it up.

In the van,

Jason: “I think that investigation went well.”

Grant: “Yeah, I mean it was a small spot but we got some pretty interestin’ things happen.”

Jason: “I’m still tryin’ to understand what the heck that was with the – uh – that surround sound system turn on by itself. That was wild.”

Grant: “I can’t wait for them to review the evidence and see if anything happened in conjunction with that on the stuff – audio video.”

Jason: “That’s what I’m really waiting to see.”

Grant: “Eh.”

They drive through streetlight-lit central Rhode Island.

THE FINDINGS

HARRIS FIRE STATION

Tuesday 12:45 PM

We are spared “analysis” of 30 hours of video and 10 hours of audio compressed into 3 minutes of the guys staring at monitors. This show has more scenes of guys staring at monitors than – well, any show ever, because who in god’s name is going to put on a show involving guys staring at monitors all the time?

Andy and Steve are at the conference table with Jason and Grant.

Grant: “The findings – some pretty crazy stuff happened to us. What’d you guys catch?”

Steve: “We didn’t get anything. We watched all the video, we watched – uh – the DV’s, all the high-8 – nothing.”

Andy: “Is there any way scientifically we could prove or explain that phenomenon with the stereo?”

Jason: “Well, I think when it comes down to that you know a remote of course works off of a frequency and it – you know – so it could be somebody driving by using a certain cell phone. We can’t label the place haunted ‘cause the stereo turned itself on.”

Grant: “No.”

Andy: “So are you linking – uh – the possibility that what affected the stereo might also be affecting the pass units that they…”

Grant: “Well, that’s something that I want to bring up – those units – those t-pass units. Well, I’ve talked to – uh – to Paula about it because she works with frequencies all day long and I asked her is there any other device that could operate on that frequency ‘cause – we had the frequency from the website, and she said certainly.”

Jason: “There’s another fire station that’s not even a mile and a half down the road.”

Grant: “So their device may have set off these. It’s a device that works on a – works on a signal. It – it can set off – I don’t think that we can base anything on it.”

THE REVEAL

HARRIS FIRE STATION

Tuesday 3:30 PM

Jason and Grant sit down with Chief Fontaine and Ted Dion.

Grant: “One of the first things we were interested in was the pass units. Why did they go off? These units have – I guess they operate in one of the most busy frequency ranges there is. When there’s too many devices working on a frequency range, they tend to scan – they leap frequencies back and forth trying to find something that’s open and so it’ll set the device off.”

Jason: “It doesn’t explain why the clips were pulled off the systems and stuff like that so that still makes us sit there and wonder.”

To summarize, apparently they’re saying that the personal alarm safety systems that are supposed to protect fire fighters from being left to suffocate or burn to death in a fire can be set off by anything that operates on electronic frequencies. By this theory, it would seem fire fighters are liable to be sent into burning buildings to rescue non-fallen colleagues by you ordering a pizza or closing your garage door. Think about that while you’re debating extra mushrooms and shifting into reverse. Of course, there’s the other “stuff like that” that still makes them sit and wonder, so who knows. If this is the way TAPS wields Occam’s razor, they must use up a lot of band-aids.

Jason: “Now that night – um – me and Grant got a few strange things that happened that night upstairs. Uh – the EMF, which is electromagnetic frequency, uh – started rising. While that happened the stereo system that’s attached to your guys’ t.v. the surround system would turn itself on.”

Grant: “Normally that EMF field would stay in one area but this we could track around the room which is really odd.”

Jason: “It didn’t go over a table. It seemed to go around the table.”

Grant: “Right.”

Jason: “And, you know – all those things – it – it just makes you sit back and wonder.”

It’s a scientifical mystery.

Grant: “The only thing that we didn’t experience and couldn’t really try and debunk was the shadows that you had seen. They couldn’t figure it out – it wasn’t anything like cars going by or anything.”

Jason: “I think when it comes down to it the main thing you guys need to understand is if there is something actually going on here there’s no need for your volunteers to fear it at all.”

Grant: “We have experience things here that we can’t really explain but we don’t have anything that we could give you to show someone – ‘Say look, you know our place is haunted. We have proof.’ All we can say is that what you’re experiencing you have nothing to fear, nothing to worry about.”

Of course, it’s not Grant going into a burning building with equipment he’s just labeled scarily defective.

Ted: “We’ve all seen things happen in the station and to have you guys come in and say ‘You know what – we can’t exactly put our finger on it. We have some evidence.” I mean that proves we’re not crazy and then you know what? It’s not so bad that we can’t stay here and work.”

Grant: “Yeah, if any of your volunteers at any time really do feel bothered by the place, you’re more than welcome to have them call us and we can come and talk to ‘em, and help ‘em understand. You don’t need to lose guys over something that’s not going to hurt ‘em.”

Jason: “Guys, I really appreciate you having us out. You were wonderful.”

Thanks thanks blah blah.

Ted’s last words: “TAPS came in and did their investigation and they can’t denounce it and they can’t prove it. They had some odd findings upstairs with – uh – stereo equipment. Hasn’t happened with me. I hope it doesn’t happen with me. Um – I’m glad they came, ‘cause I think it’s going to put a lot of people’s minds at ease with in the station that – you know – nothing here can hurt us or is going to bother us. It’s just the way the station is now, I guess.”

The odious happy TAPS music plays. The SUV heads back to Warwick, TAPS having shed exactly zero lux on the case.

Jason: “So that went well.”

Grant: “Yeah. I think that they – uh – feel a little bit more at ease which I wasn’t really expecting, which is good.”

Jason: “Well, I think they’re also happy that we didn’t come in and say ‘hey, you guys are crackpots – you know. Um – we had some weird situations that happened that night as well, and it kind of makes ‘em feel a little more at ease ‘cause we had our own experiences there.”

Grant: “Yeah, I think we got a good team, man. And clearly Steve’s a huge improvement over Brian, in the tech department.”

Jason: “I agree.”

Grant: “He’s very organized and he just makes the right decisions and it paid off, especially in this – in this case.”

Jason: “Well, good job, good job.”

Grant: “Yeah, very good job.”

They bump fists.

Grant: “Nice to know those firemen are a little more at ease.”

These guys are so delusional they could sell themselves the Brooklyn Bridge.

THE OUIJA BOARD

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose try to find the entertainment value of the episode and fail.

MB: Cripes.

TM: Haunted?

MB: Haunted. Both of them.

TM: Lame.

MB: Feeble.

TM: Tiresome.

MB: Tedious. Terrible. Torturous.

TM: Taxing. Are you tapped out?

MB: Totally. I vote for putting this episode at the bottom of the list. Number 15 of 15.

TM: If I agree, can we stop talking about it?

MB: Yes.

Tags: Bradley Playhouse, Brian Harnois, COnnecticut, Coventry, debunking, EMF, fig newtons, fire house, ghost hunters, ghosts, Grant Wilson, Jason Hawes, orbs, paranormal, reality shows, Rhode Island, Ricola, Steve Gonsalves, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society