A “Ghost Hunters” Recarp
Mme. Blahblatsky did the transcript work and then shoved it and the DVD at me muttering about “effing shadows,” and “yesterday is tomorrow,” and I got concerned enough not to argue with her. So the Talking Mongoose is your reluctant guide to the fourth episode of the second season of the dimwittedly fabulized “reality” show “Ghost Hunters.”
Disclaimer: Mme. Blahblatsky toiled to capture almost every word spilling from the mouths of the language-challenged TAPS crew for us to read and marvel over, but all the scintillating dialogue belongs to Pilgrim Television and Films, Inc. We are not responsible.
The Narrator guy attempts to whip up a frenzy of anticipation.
Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, TAPS heads to North Carolina for a routine training mission. Does the ghost of Andrew Johnson inhabit this house? Will this investigation sour the ghost hunters’ spirits? And then, Jason and Grant are asked to investigate a haunted battleship. How will they maneuver around this 35,000 ton steel maze? Are the ghost hunters now being hunted?”
Answers to these questions: no; damn it, no; with lots and lots of extension cords; no.
Credits: CARL!!! Demonologist Carl is back. I never thought I’d be so glad to see one of the Johnson twins. And – oh, Andy Andrews returns.
Case Manager Donna LaCroix and Tech Specialist Steve Gonsalves are in conference with the big guys, “lead investigators” aka plumber/producers Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson, in the headquarters of The Atlantic Paranormal Society, Warwick, Rhode Island. Where is Brian?
Donna has no cases for the guys. None. But she has a swell idea. She thinks Dustin Pari and Jen Rossi need some training. Hmm. Where do you suppose they could get this training? Because there are no ghosts in Rhode Island. Or Massachusetts or Connecticut or anywhere within several hundred miles. TAPS has eliminated them, through sheer mind control.
Jason: “I talked with Jim Hall and Dave Gurney from North Carolina and they’ve got a place that they use down there, but that’s a trip.”
Donna awkwardly tries to join into this manufactured conversation, but she’s not having fun with it. “Yeah. North Carolina – that is – that’s going to be a haul.”
Tch tch, Donna. It’s only 680 miles! What’s 23 hours out of a weekend when it’s spent on the road with the always hilarious TAPS gang?
Steve plays the role of the reluctant techie, who is still thinking he wants to spend his weekend playing Halo. “Why do we have to go all the way to North Carolina just to train people?”
Because, silly, there’s a battleship just waiting to be debunked. Only we’re pretending we don’t know about that just yet. We’re just heading off on a little training retreat.
Jason: “They were tellin’ me about a place they got down there – Mordecai House. Um – it’s the birthplace of – uh – Andrew Johnson, the 17th president.”
Grant: “They train there for a specific reason, because they have a lot of success there.”
Steve is totally convinced that the 1,360 mile round-trip is now worth it: “Being this location is familiar to Jim and Dave it should make for an easy set-up for us and make for probably a better training exercise, you know?” Also there’s that whole no-ghosts-in-southern-New-England problem.
Jason: “If that’s going to happen then you gotta make sure the van is all packed and ready to go.”
Steve: “Okay, everything…”
Jason: “Like soon.”
Okay! All right! Awesome!
Donna: “All right, well – I’ll make the calls.”
Wait! Where’s Brian? We can’t go without Brian.
It’s raining outside. There are puddles. Jason has a Roto-Rooter umbrella he has nicked from “the day job.”
Jason: “Oh, this sucks. Well, the bright side – we’re heading to North Carolina.”
And he has a free umbrella, now that he has advertised Roto-Rooter.
Grant: “Yeah, right. Hopefully the weather is better down there.”
Jason: “It’s going to be a hell of a lot better than this.”
Steve, Dustin and Andy trail out through the rain. Andy gets into the driver’s seat of a vehicle. The earth shudders slightly, its orbit disturbed. They can’t have thrown Brian out because they haven’t shown us any dramatic interludes or loud brouhahas or tearful recriminations. Jason did fold his arms and look scowly in New Orleans, but he does that all the time. But there’s no Brian, and more ominously, no mention of Brian.
The TAPS black vehicle caravan caravans out and down rainy highways.
Jason interviews: “We’re bringing Dustin and Jen with us to North Carolina for training purposes. Dustin already has a lot of experience when it comes to video. We’re trying to give him first-hand experience when it comes to investigation.”
Dustin interviews: “TAPS is a tight-knit family and we’re here to help people having problems when they don’t know who else to turn to. And – uh – that’s a big part of why I’m here ‘cause – uh – I want to be able to help somebody.”
Sure, kid. Keep telling yourself that.
Speaking of “tight-knit families” – Brian?
Jason: “The same applies to Jen. We’re trying to get her trained on the equipment so – um – I think it’s going to be good for both of ‘em.”
Riding in Steve’s van, Dustin is trying to groom himself. The producers have decided to use Dustin’s sense of self as a humanizing touch.
Dustin: There’s no mirror in this. Hold this just for a second (he gives a hand mirror to Steve which some production assistant borrowed from the make-up department). Down.
Jason, who apparently has not eaten his green olives today and is psychic, or who has been cued by one of his fellow producers, radios: “Dustin, how long does it actually take you to get ready to go out?”
Dustin: “It doesn’t take that long, man. You know, about 15, 20 minutes to get the hair done.”
Grant: “Dustin, you’re the most flammable member of TAPS.”
Everyone laughs merrily, including Andy and Jen in the third vehicle, since they have been listening in on their radio.
Here I am not sure if Grant is making a joke in very bad taste about Dustin being gay, or if Grant dimly thinks that today’s “product” is akin to the hair sprays of yore in its combustion potential. But they are obviously one big happy family, so – whatever.
Jen is wearing that damn red hoodie again.
Jason: “Oh, man, this weather sucks.”
Rain pours down on the highways, windshield wipers wipe. Grant sleeps while Jason drives. Andy sleeps while Jen drives. Jason sleeps while Grant drives (and the earth gets a little more off-kilter because when do we ever see Jason let Grant drive?). Grant sleeps while Jason drives, sleeping. Ha ha, good one, guys. Watch out for that tractor-trailer.
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
The Next Day
I guess this means they drove through the night, although we didn’t see any night-time driving, because they didn’t tell us what yesterday was. Scenic Raleigh is represented by a statue of a woman holding a giant tobacco leaf high above a cenotaph. Also, a memorial to President Andrew Johnson notes that “He defended the Constitution,” to which we say ‘Way to go, President Johnson!” Presidents don’t defend the Constitution the way they used to, these days. So never mind about that impeachment thing.
DINNER BREAK 5:00 PM
Okay, so they didn’t drive through the night. They are in what has to be the grimmest restaurant in downtown Raleigh, with a fake mansard roof straight out of the 70’s on the outside, and fake wood paneling ditto on the inside. The color scheme would appear to be liver and onions. “Dinner” of a reddish meat substance is being served inside hot dog rolls, which seem to be a favorite deal of Jason and Grant. They each have three of the things in front of them. One can only hope it’s some form of North Carolina barbecue and not New York System Wieners.
Grant, Andy, and Jen on one side of the table face Jason, Steve, and Dustin on the other. TAPS hierarchy determines one’s nearness to the camera. Now we must listen to some pointless dinnertime explication about what is going to happen next.
Jason: “This is going to be interesting tonight at the Mordecai House. Nice training session.”
Grant: “Yeah, supposedly there’s a lotta activity over there and that’s why they train there. It’s just a training situation so as long as you go with someone else, that’s all that matters. Someone – you know – if you’re – if you’re new whatever, someone who with a little more experience just do it up.”
Andy: “Yeah, that is cool.”
Andy acts like he understands Grant’s insane rambling. So does everyone else. They nod. I guess it’s better that way.
Jason doesn’t even try to segue. “Well, just – uh – we’ll have a blast. Eat up and let’s get out of here.”
The plot remains stationary, and we leave it there with a few cold French fries.
MORDECAI HISTORIC PARK
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
Friday 6:00 PM
Two guys in ghost logo’d shirts are waiting out front of the night’s destination. They are Jim Hall and Dave Gurney, Co-Directors, Haunted North Carolina.
Grant: “Gentlemen! Hey, hi. What’s going on?”
Grant interviews: “Dave and Jim head up – uh – Haunted North Carolina. They’re great investigators. They’ve been in the field for a long time. Um – recently – a matter of a couple years ago they joined the TAPS family. They’re pretty much like us – scientific. They’re out to disprove, debunk. We’re so glad that they extended an invitation to us to come down and check out the Mordecai House. Um – I think we’re going to have a good time trainin’ our people there.”
Mordecai House is a 2-story white clapboarded building with a 2-story columned portico, looking very old South. Jason bangs the door knocker. Chandra Milliken, Museum Educator, is glad to have them come in, having never seen the first season of Ghost Hunters.
PARLOR, MORDECAI HOUSE
Chandra: “75 per cent of what you see belonged to this family.”
Someone forgot to straighten those very tippy candles in the candelabra, and someone is going to get reamed by her director. Non-profits are snake pits.
Chandra: “We have five generations of the same family live in the house. The piano is the key piece in this room. Um – I’ve been on so many tours where we heard the piano playing. Upon inspection, nobody else was down here.”
Ghosts and pianos – they’re like kids and puppies. Ghosts and accordions – not as much.
Grant and Jason say wow and awesome, but I expect they’ve heard their share of piano stories.
They follow Chandra upstairs, where she stops before a door that was made to knock out drunken people over 5’-8” looking for the bathroom. It is a nifty gene-pool screening device if you want your family to stay short. The drunken tall people bounce off the door jamb and immediately fall down the stairs to their deaths. Perhaps this is why the place is haunted?
Chandra: “And the bathroom here is actually where most of the activity occurs for me personally. And other people as well. This is where I’ve actually had an experience where my hair was lifted off of my head. That’s the only time I’ve actually had physical…”
Grant: “It just lifted up?” He waves at the back of his head.
Chandra: “Oh, it was right here.” She points to her forehead.
There is the obligatory plumber “joke” about the bathroom fixtures.
The tour moves along outside to the President Andrew Johnson birthplace, which is a teeny tiny cabin with very few windows. A marker tells us that Johnson was born here on December 29, 1808, only not really here, because it used to be somewhere else. The Colonial Dames bought it and gave it to the city of Raleigh. Now I am wondering what Colonial Dames are and whether ghosts object to having their houses moved.
Grant thinks the one-room house is awesome. Grant thinks everything is awesome. Sometimes it’s endearing, and sometimes it’s annoying. Tonight, he’s a cuddly bunny. It won’t last.
Chandra: “This is Andrew Johnson’s birthplace, native to Raleigh. This is the – the creepy building. I like this one the least – um…”
Grant: “That means we like it the most.”
Chandra: “It’s – absolutely, you will. Um – it’s more in here of just a feeling of ‘get out.’ Hair stands up, um – on my arms, back of my neck. And it’s like a – it – it sounds strange – like a male presence in here.”
So that’s all the tour we get. Time to start indoctrinating the new minions.
Jason: “After that tour with Chandra, and hearing stories going on, it looks like Dustin and Jen are going to get some really good training tonight.”
The rain has washed away and it is a lovely sunny day now, so the editors do that faux-lightning effect on Mordecai House that they got so fond of in Louisiana. It still isn’t what I’d call effective, but those editors must get horribly horribly bored so I’m going to try to be more tolerant of their frolicking.
INVESTIGATION TRAINING
MORDECAI HOUSE
Friday 7:30 PM
Actually, it’s Sunday, and… but I don’t want to spoil the surprise just yet.
Andy is “training” Jen, that is to say, he’s telling her stuff we’ve been told over and over throughout the first season so she must be ready to whack him because we’re pretty confident she’s watched the first season at least once by now.
Andy: “One of the things that we want to make sure is make sure we have juice, in the batteries. So then that’s probably the best thing to start off with.”
Jen: “Aye-aye, captain.” She does not hit him with a tripod although we would hand it to her.
Andy interviews, wearing two giant coils of extension cord on his shoulder: “I think she might be a little frustrated with me as far as maybe things going too slow or she doesn’t feel like she’s being utilized enough.”
Andy decides to torment Dustin instead. “Okay, Dustin. Let’s grab an EMF detector.”
Dustin: “All right.”
Andy: “All right? Let’s turn it on.”
Dustin: “Okay. All set.”
Andy: “Okay, can you read it?”
Dustin: “Yeah, I can see that pretty good.” He can also speak English, after a fashion, and knows how to do CPR for when he “accidentally” hands you a plugged-in extension cord with a large chunk of insulation removed.
Andy: “Okay, good.”
Dustin: “Point two. Point one.”
Andy: Okay, the first thing I want you to do is walk around…”
Dustin: “Get like a base line.”
Don’t interrupt when you’re being trained.
Andy: “And get a base line reading of …”
Dustin: “All righty.”
Andy: “Of what we have here.”
Dustin, in a red shirt, interviews: “When I was 7 or 8 – um – I had my first paranormal experience. One night when I woke up there was a – uh – dark shadowy figure just hovering near the side of my bed and – uh – you know – I was just freaked out as a little kid and – uh – it turned out that it – uh – came back a couple months later and uh – I sat up one night and I said you’re not welcome here. I don’t want you here. And – uh – after that it – it just dissipated.”
Seven or eight and he’s adjuring a night visitor? Hunh. Yeah, no. I don’t believe him.
Andy: “Why don’t you extend it out just a little bit more. Hold it away from yourself.”
Dustin: “Okay.”
Andy: “Okay? And really kind of evenly and at a – I don’t want to say slow motion but at a slow pace scan, all right? Try not to make any sudden jerky movements.”
Elsewhere, “training” is not going so well.
Grant: “Jen, you’re looking terrible. Are you okay?”
Jen: “No.”
Grant: “What’s wrong?”
Jen: “I don’t feel good.”
Grant: “You feel nauseous?”
Jen nods. Over-exposure to Andy can do that.
Jason: “We’ll send you back to the hotel. You can chill out.”
Jen: “Yeah, that’s cool.”
Grant interviews: “Well, after we had dinner tonight, Jen started feeling really nauseous, really sick and I know how passionate she is to go on cases. She really is looking forward to being trained. She made the trip down here and it’s kind of unfortunate that she got so sick and is not able to complete it.”
Jen interviews: “I’m disappointed about the Mordecai House about missin’ out on my trainin’ with the guys. I was really excited to be there you know – learnin’ the procedure and getting started with trainin’ but I was really sick and I didn’t think I could – I knew I couldn’t make it for the rest of the night. I had to definitely go back to the hotel.”
Well, don’t be feeling too bad about Jen traveling 630 miles for a training session she has to miss because she’s sick. Because – surprise! She just spent two nights on the U.S.S. North Carolina, a haunted battleship anchored in Wilmington. So the trip from Warwick was actually 787 miles, but wouldn’t you drive that to spend two nights on a haunted battleship?
But keep pretending you don’t know, because the storyline for this episode is so thin, it’s on its deathbed, and too weak to take any shocks.
And no, I don’t know why they thought we needed to be spun a story about needing to go train in North Carolina instead of the simpler truth, but I suspect it has something to do with Jason’s control issues, of which he has a lot.
Grant and Jason are sitting at the monitors all la-di-dahing here we are training away when Jim and Dave enter the room. They have a “question.”
Jim or Dave, for I don’t know which is which, and the title people aren’t saying: “Got a question for you while you’re down here. There’s a particular case we’ve been working on and with the crew that you guys got – have down here and the technology you have, it would make it a lot easier. It’s the battleship North Carolina.”
Grant: “Well…”
Jason: “Battleship?”
Grant and Jason chortle in disbelief. Yes, guys. You remember. That big metal thing you were crashing around last night. And the night before that.
Jim or Dave: “Yes. It’s a 500-foot battleship. It started during World War II. We’ve done investigations out there (just last night!) and the problem is just the sheer size of the place. We cannot give it the coverage that it – that it needs.”
Grant: “Well, is it the whole ship that’s haunted or is it certain sections?”
Jim or Dave: It’s – from what the night watchman has told us out there, it’s…
Dave or Jim: “All over the place.”
Jim or Dave: “All over the place. The spirits just roam the decks out there.”
Grant: “You know what? That’ll actually be nice because then we can get the training with Jen ‘cause she’s sick tonight.”
Jason: “Count us in!”
Sweet! Awesome! Cool! All right!
Except, you know, don’t, and she won’t, because they already did, and tomorrow is Monday and they have to go home. Or maybe they’re driving to Pennsylvania again or something.
Jason interviews, trying to shore up the non-plot: “Dave and Jim just came over to me and Grant and started asking us about the U.S.S. battleship North Carolina. It’s gonna definitely be a challenge like nothing we’ve ever encountered.” Because they’re going to twist the space-time continuum into a knot and cause the disappearance of half the population of Raleigh.
Dustin and JimorDave go off to check out the Andrew Johnson crib.
Dustin: “Hey, it’s really coming down out here, huh?”
JimorDave: “Yeah. Sorry I can’t do anything about the weather.”
Never mind the weather. Can you do anything about this story line?
Dustin squeaks open the door. “It’s not much, but at least it’s dry.”
This could be said about a lot of things.
PRESIDENT ANDREW JOHNSON BIRTHPLACE
is seen in brilliant red, through the thermal imaging camera, or some playful editor’s filter.
Dustin, going coy for his recorder: “We’re back out here in the – uh – Andrew Johnson house. We braved the storm again. My hair looks – good, still. We’re going to take the thermal cameras and look around in here.”
They see their heat reflections in the window and wave at themselves.
Elsewhere, DaveorJim is lagging behind Steve: “Hey, Steve. Uh – I really just don’t feel well.”
Steve: “No?”
DaveorJim: “Yeah.” He rubs his head. “I feel really feverish.” He sniffs pathetically.
Steve: “You think from this place or you just sick?”
DaveorJim: I just am sick, yeah. I’ve been battlin’ a cold for the past couple of days.”
That’s what you get hanging out in cold musty battleships two nights running.
Dustin feigns ignorance: “I’m not sure what’s goin’ on, but a couple members fall sick tonight so – uh – we had to cut some things short.”
Jason gives up immediately. People are sick. It’s late. And he’s pooped, after all.
Jason interviews: “Everybody’s getting sick. We’re all dropping like flies. We’re pretty much goin’ to scrap this investigation and training session and – uh – try to make up for it on the battleship tomorrow.”
Yesterday. Aiiiieeee.
Grant: “You know, I’m not feelin’ well at all but I don’t think it’s anything paranormal. I think it’s called Buffalo chicken salad.”
I think it’s called U.S.S. North Carolina.
Dustin interviews: “So once my training’s complete I’m hoping to really make a difference with Steve in the tech department and – uh – keep everythin’ runnin’ smoothly here, and if nothin’ else (he touches his hair) I got the sex appeal so I make us look good.”
Self-esteem is a valuable asset.
Steve: “I think Dustin was able to get some good training in. I think tonight will be a step in the right direction for him.”
Because he was getting it all wrong before, because he was being trained by he-who-shall-not-be-named-in-this-episode.
Grant: “Thank goodness we got this battleship to do – uh – maybe salvage this trip but, hopefully we can get some rest, feel better tomorrow, and hit it up.”
I do wonder how stupid they all felt trying to set up this time warp of yesterday being tomorrow. So much time wasted. I mean MINE. We could have been hearing battleship stories. Except that we couldn’t because that would be giving too much air time to other people. Which we don’t do. So shut up.
CASE #2 BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Saturday 2:35 PM
Now we are back to before Mordecai House. Pay attention or you will never get back to 2005. Oh, you don’t care? Fine. Remember the Philadelphia Experiment? No, not the TAPS one – this one. And don’t complain if you come out of this with one of your limbs still stuck in a ship wall.
Steve: “This battleship should be pretty cool. Never done a boat before, that’s for sure.”
Dustin: “No, that’s probably going to be different, huh?”
Steve: “It’s like every paranormal investigator’s dream to have a whole haunted battleship for themselves, you know? And we’ll have more equipment than any paranormal group can dream of.”
I told you it was worth the 787-mile trip. Especially when you factor in getting to make all the other paranormal groups jealous. The really lame ones who don’t have antennas and colored lights on their EMF detectors. So nyah nyah nyah, you losers.
Grant and Jason approach a giant battleship with a giant sign. They kindly assume we are blind.
Grant: “This is it.”
Jason: “Yeah. Here we go. Jeez. Look at that sign. ‘Entrance U.S.S. North Carolina’.”
Grant: “You can’t miss that.”
Jason: “There it is.”
Grant: “Is that it?”
Jason: “Yeah.”
Grant: “Holy crap. Look at that.”
Jason: “It’s a big boat.”
Here, I have to admit, I am coming around to Mme. Blahblatsky’s way of thinking about Ghost Hunters dialogue. It is kind of priceless. Somewhere, Garrison Keillor weeps with envy.
Grant: “Look at the guns. Wow. This is going to be crazy.
I think the reason they are having such a hard time talking intelligently, other than the everyday handicap, is that they must concentrate so hard on not revealing that they haven’t had their “training session” at Mordecai House, which is two days in the future, instead of last night. As Mme. B. has observed – TAPS’ tangled fucking web.
Jason: “Oh my god. It’ll take us a day to investigate just one of the guns.”
A middle-aged man with red hair that is standing straight up and not because he’s using product comes out to greet them. It’s Danny Bradshaw Night Watchman. Danny has written a book (or rather, has helped someone else write a book) about his twenty years of nights on the U.S.S. North Carolina, which I’d rather read than do the rest of this recarp, even if the book were totally ghost-free (I don’t think it is), but lucky for you, I don’t have the book.
Grant announces he’s here to help.
The TAPS guys continue to effuse over the ship.
Jason: “Look at this place. This is incredible.”
Grant: “Well, I’m sure we’ve got a lot of ground to cover.”
Danny: “Oh, yeah. Would y’all like to see the ship?”
Absolutely! Okay!
Danny and his amazing red hair take them on a tour. There are a lot of squeaky doors and clanging metal.
Grant: “We’re going to get lost in here, aren’t we?”
Danny: “Oh, probably.”
He unlocks a padlock on the door of a room labeled “Duty Office,” which turns out to be his home-away from home. He’s left the t.v. on, but he locked the door. Interesting.
Grant: “So where are we right now?”
Danny: “Now this is my room. I stay on the ship all night six nights a week.”
Grant asks what he’s experienced here.
DANNY’S ROOM
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Danny: “Uh – well.” He sighs. “Um – there’s a ghost on here. I’ve actually seen him three times. The first time, a friend was coming in to see me. I was walking down the ramp when I saw her drivin’ in and – uh – she said the porthole curtain jerked back real quick and a head came up amd was starin’ out. She started hollerin’ you know – ‘There it is!’ and I said ‘Yeah, I see it.’ I knew nobody was in my room ‘cause I’d just left here and I always put a lock on my door. It – uh – only lasted for maybe ten seconds and then you could sorta see the head move back to the side and then the curtain shut.”
Jason has his usual frown on, while Grant looks merely goofy.
I, however, have serious goosebumps. I read Fritz Leiber’s Our Lady of Darkness over twenty years ago and it left me susceptible to severe heebie-jeebies about strange things looking out familiar windows. Anyway, go Danny.
Danny: “The second time, I hear my t.v. cut on – like something was – you know – towards the doorway and I glance over and it was the ghost. He had like a – a blank look on his face and you could see right thoo him and – um – one thing that stood out more than anything was his hair. It wasn’t like normal hair. It was like a white flame. It lasted about five seconds and then, bam – that was it. That was all.”
Danny’s own hair is like a red flame, so he should know what he’s talking about. Maybe he does use product. I thought it was the wind outside, but it’s still standing up inside, so unless it’s been permanently scared into that posture, I’m thinking gel may be involved.
Jason: “So where we goin’ from here?”
Grant: “Oh. Goin’ down.”
Yikes. We nearly fell down that stairway. Thanks, Grant. I left my white cane back in Raleigh Warwick.
MESS HALL BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Danny: “Yeah, I would walk thoo here, cuttin’ out the lights and I came down here one night and as soon as I cut the switch off, I felt a hand placed on my shoulder. I sort of screamed a little bit and I turned around. As I turned around, off to my left right over here the ghost appeared right there and what happened when I shone the light, the light went all the way thoo and um – it had the white flame – you know – whatever.” (He waves his hands around his head)) “I let out a scream. It scared me so bad. When I screamed, he turned his head toward me and he had a look on his face like ‘Don’t do that.’ And he started to turn his head back away from me and just disappeared.”
Heh! I can only imagine the look on the ghost’s face. I’ll bet all the screaming gets to you eventually.
So that’s the tour. Or as much of it as we’re going to be allowed to see. It’s time for Jason to go push the flunkeys around.
Danny: “The reason that I wanted them to come was to let people understand – you know – that there are things that I’ve been seein’ – you know – that these apparitions and things are true.”
Grant interviews: “His stories do kind of creep you out. What’s nice is that a lot of them had to do with visual and audio which is exactly what we’re lookin’ for.”
Jason: “The experiences Danny had on this ship – uh – while he’s tellin’ ‘em they just send shivers down your spine. I really can’t wait to get in there and investigate. Um – I really want to see if there’s any proof behind Danny’s claims.”
Watch out, Danny.
It looks pretty claustrophobic inside that battleship. The dark tunnels may seem endless, but they look small.
Jason: “The size of the battleship’s gonna make this investigation unique. Usually we can do a thorough investigation in a night but because of the size of this place it’s gonna take us two nights just to get to the known areas of activity.”
Normally I’d make a crack about having to call the wives about this unexpected lengthening of the “weekend training session” but I think the wives already know. Besides, the weekend has just begun, even though it’s the day after tomorrow.
We get to see the “Big Guns” which aren’t Jason and Grant at all, but some serious-looking 16”-diameter cannons which can hit targets up to 23 miles away. I wouldn’t mind having a couple of those in the back yard (for the zombie invasion I’m expecting in 2012).
Andy and Dustin are doing inexplicable riffs on the guns vs. their own manly physiques. I think they must have been sampling more than Cheetos while Jason and Grant were on that tour.
Andy: “These aren’t the only big guns on this ship.” He pats an invisible bicep.
Dustin bares and flexes his much bigger bicep, and pats Andy’s head. Dustin has been lifting weights! I mean beyond camera cases. Steve looks on glumly while Andy and Dustin giggle about their muscles.
The unpacking of the cameras eventually proceeds.
Steve interviews: “Set-up on the battleship’s really tough. A lot of places we need to cover and very far from central command. Um – but as soon as we get that done we’ll be able to get in there and really start – uh – finding these ghosts.”
Steve is directing his underlings (because let’s face it – Brian’s a goner by now, whether they’re telling us or not) in the ritual stringing of the extension cords. They need every inch.
Steve: “We’re going to want as tight as we can with no slack. Good job, man.”
Dustin: “All right, bro.”
White boys.
Elsewhere,
Jason: “We actually found a hatch that allows us to get four floors below there we’re standing right now, so we’re gonna take the Roto-Rooter camera and send it down try to make sure it’s safe. Andy wants to go down there and set up a camera because there’s been some stories that a couple people lost their lives down there.”
If the owners are letting you down there, I kind of think you don’t need to Roto-Rooter the place, but maybe the agreement with Roto-Rooter calls for some more product placement. That was a big umbrella.
And the Roto-Rooter camera is humongous! Or rather, its case and accessories are. Andy lugs a large box, while Grant and Jason between them haul what looks like a large tire on a stand. They bring it to the edge of an open hatch in the floor.
Grant: “That’s the gateway to hell.”
Andy: “All right, let’s plug this sucker in and check it out.”
Jason: “We use the Roto-Rooter camera to find breaks in drain lines but we found that it comes in pretty handy in paranormal investigations as well.”
Yes. We got a fantastic view of dirt at the John Stone Tavern, when they were searching for the Underground Railway underground. That was fun!
Grant: “Ready?”
Andy: “This is supposed to drop straight down through all of the decks of the ship. It’s quite possible that it hasn’t had anyone down there in years and years and years and years.”
Anything is possible.
The Roto-Rooter camera is fed down into the abyss, sending back remarkable scenes of – wall. Painted metal bulkhead, occasionally interrupted by various pieces of painted metal bulkhead thingies, but mostly just wall.
Andy is ecstatic to see wall as shown on the amazing Roto-Rooter extendable camera. “Ah – this is great! This is awesome!”
Jason: “Really not much to see.”
No – look! There’s a length of chain. And there’s more – wall.
Jason: “You got a door that you’re gonna have to go through.”
Andy: “Where’s the door?”
Jason: “It’s off to the right.”
Andy: “Okay.”
Grant: “You wanna pull this thing up and get him down there? So whyn’t you go get your camera and stuff.”
Andy: “Great. Awesome.”
And that’s it for the Roto-Rooter camera. We have verified that Andy is not climbing into an actual hellmouth full of ubervampires and boiling oil. Now the billion feet of cable can be wound back up and packed away again. Good job, guys!
Jason: “We brought Dustin and Jen to North Carolina to get some training and then we got the opportunity of a lifetime – a battleship and they’re really gonna get some valuable experience here.”
Jason is instructing the newbies in some arcane function of the computer.
Jason: “All you gotta do is hit S2.”
Jen: “Ah! That’s awesome!”
Jen has made a miraculous recovery from the nausea she will be experiencing two days from now, and is all animated when she interviews: “The battleship is really cool and I feel really lucky to have a second chance in training.”
This was filmed afterwards, and kudos to Ms. Rossi for summoning up so much emotion that she was not actually feeling!
Andy is descending into the bowels of the ship, now declared demon-free by Roto-Rooter.
STARBOARD LAVATORY 7:10 PM
Andy exhorts his camera crew: “If we get lost just keep heading up. I mean eventually we’ll hit the deck somewhere. We’ll come out on top.”
[Ha. After a long night of scrabbling through hatches down endless corridors, pursued by skeletons, Andy emerges on deck, clutching his treasure map and weeping. His camera crew has been slaughtered one by one in various unpleasant ways.]
JimorDave: “Yeah, and there’s the hole, right there.”
Andy: “Okay, so this is – this is the area right here.”
JimorDave: “This is where they took the torpedo hit.”
At last, the title people decide JimorDave has been humiliated enough, and consent to identify him. It’s Jim Hall, Co-Director, Haunted North Carolina.
Jim: “If they were in the shower when the torpedo hit, if we were gonna get any kind of EVP, it’d be best to have the camera mike…”
Andy: “Right there.”
Jim: “Right there where it is.”
Andy: “Excellent.”
Jim sets up a camera tripod.
Jim: “Okay and we are in the shower room of the U.S.S. North Carolina where the torpedo hit took place and we are now recording.”
Elsewhere, everyone assembles in the mess hall around central command, i.e. a table with the monitor. The TAPS gang carefully places itself to hide the Haunted North Carolina guys from the camera. Upstarts trying to horn in on their own case. Some people are so pushy.
Jason: “Are we ready to go dark?”
Yep yep yep yep. Let’s do it. Let’s go dark.
Uh-oh. We see Danny at an ancient panel box, switching off large switches. I don’t think this is a good idea, Danny. Because you’re cutting all the power to…
“Oop!”
Total blackness ensues. Also known as zero lux.
Jason: “Oh, c’mon on! We just lost all that audio.” He is totally disgusted.
Grant grabs the nearest scapegoat: “Andy! That shut everything down. I don’t know if you want to try to separate it? Are they labeled at all?”
Dustin: “I don’t think we can separate it.”
Jason: “We need power or the equipment won’t run. I don’t care if you gotta unscrew the light bulbs.”
So Steve, Andy, Dustin and even Grant proceed to unscrew light bulbs and fluorescent tubes by hand. Re: the bulbs – ouch! The drama of “killing the lights” becomes real!
THE INVESTIGATION
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Saturday 8:45 PM
Jason interviews: “This is definitely a dangerous investigation. It’s pitch black. You get lost in this battleship very easy. It’s a big maze. (we see Andy wearing a head lamp, looking goofily lost) There’s low pipes, there’s holes in the floor that fall three four five decks. This could be a hazardous situation. Somebody could get hurt.”
So, uh – turn on the bloody lights???
No, that would be too easy.
CREW LIBRARY 10:42 PM
Steve: “Dustin, Dave and I went into the library to try to find some – um – physical evidence, tryin’ to see if we could pick up – you know – with our own senses – um – EMF, uh – we went in there with a thermal, we did extensive thermal sweeping.” He sets a thermometer in view of a camera. “Let’s do an EMF sweep, Dustin. Point 2, point 7, point 5, point 1, point 2. When doing your EMF sweep, first thing you do when you enter a room is you get a base reading. Uh – base readings are usually from point 0 to point 4. Sometimes even a little way up to one. What you’re looking for is any spike over the base reading.”
Didn’t Dustin already have Andy talk down to him about EMF’s at Mordecai House? Oh, no, that’s in the future. I keep forgetting. I’m sick of hearing about EMF readings myself. Steve drones on.
Steve: “1.4. Just snap me a pic over here. Point 2. 1.6. 1.3. You see how it comes and it goes real quick?”
Dustin: “Yeah, yeah.”
Steve: “If that was electricity it would be there at the time.”
Dustin: “It would be a constant.”
Steve interviews: “We got some weird EMF fluctuations that are kinda unexplained but that in itself isn’t enough to point it towards – you know – something paranormal.”
Jason and Grant are mulling over their investigation choices.
Grant: “All right, where you wanna go – just wander?”
Jason: “There’s no special place that these so-called spirits hang out so – yeah, that’s what I’m lookin’ for – long dark holes.”
They wander along a corridor. Every place looks the same on this battleship, especially in the dark.
Jason: “I don’t know – somethin’ – I felt – somethin’ brushed up against my leg and I wasn’t movin’. That was kinda cool. Friggin’ rat the size of a cat. It hit me right under the kneecap.”
There are no rats or cats visible in the night-vision camera. He could be lying, but Jason never lies. No, I’m wrong. He does. But surely not about phantom cats.
Jason reminisces: “My father-in-law was on a navy ship for many many years. I – I don’t know how he could have done it.”
A skull with bat ear appendages is flashed on screen by some restless editor.
CREW LIBRARY AFTER THREE HOURS
Jim: “If there’s someone here, give us a sign.”
Steve: “What I have here in my hands is a thermal camera that senses heat and cold. If you’d like to pass in front of this camera all we’re gonna do is simply see what it looks like.”
Next, he’s going to lecture the ghosts about electromagnetic fields.
Dustin: “34, 37, 32, 36 – 19, 16, 10, 13. It’s gone crazy. Now it’s back to 44. It’s getting’ cold. My – my f- my legs are gettin’ cold. These numbers are droppin’ and droppin’. It’s got to mean somethin’.”
THE INVESTIGATION
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Saturday 11:45 PM
Dustin: The number’s droppin’ and risin’. Now it’s 46, 44, 42.
CREW LIBRARY AFTER FOUR HOURS
Dustin: “39, 39, 34, 36.”
Steve: “I smell a weird smell.”
Dustin: “It’s getting’ cold. My – my legs are gettin’ cold. 28, 26, 46, 48.”
Steve: “You felt it?”
Pay attention, dude!
Dustin repeats: “I felt like my legs are gettin’ cold and everything. All of a sudden it got really chilly. All these doors are closed.”
Just in case we didn’t understand, whoever is in charge of keeping the action moving along at a snail’s pace makes Dustin sum up recent events.
Dustin: “There’s one corner in particular where I was shootin’ – uh – where I was getting’ all kinds of temperature fluctuations at one point – uh – it felt really cold sensation.”
Another skull screen flash caps this exciting interlude with Dustin. Through all of this, the thermal imaging camera has never shown a goldurned thing.
Grant: “Guys – time to wrap it up.”
Yay.
Jason: “Just remember that we still get tomorrow night, too, so…”
Boo.
Grant: “Uh – hit the sack a little bit early because tomorrow night we can kill ourselves.”
I’m not holding my breath.
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
THE NEXT DAY
Steve, the optimist: “I think we’re gonna have a lot better luck tonight. We’ve got a head start. Today our equipment’s already here. We already know how we have to run it.”
Grant: “Last night we were able to cover the aft side of the ship. Now we’re tryin’ to cover the bow.”
For you landlubbers, that means the back and the front.
It really is a big ship.
THE INVESTIGATION
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
NIGHT 2
Sunday 8:20 PM
Andy and Steve are somewhere.
Andy: “So this door right here should get us right to the lavatory where the torpedo hit.”
Steve: “Every time you talk to me with that head lamp and the backpack I just think of Goonies.”
I don’t see it myself, and they look like they’re having a lot more fun.
Andy turns a wheel to open a hatch.
Andy: “All right, Steve – I think it’s – uh – yeah, here it is right here.”
The two of them peer over the rim at us. We are crouching below, hiding with the camera man. BOO! we shout, and Andy and Steve fall over and down down down into the depths….
Andy: “There you go. That’s where it is.”
Steve: “All the way down?”
Andy: “All the way down.”
Steve’s fear of heights is kicking in.
Steve, whispering: “All three decks?”
The camera unzooms because we are lower than it looked.
Andy: “That’s where the shower is.” He sounds annoyed. I suppose after a while the phobia is more annoying than amusing. He starts down the ladder.
Steve cries down after him: “Geronimo! Geronimo! Geronimo!” I think he’s forgotten he’s the one needing mocking.
Andy: “All right, Steve. C’mon down.”
Steve interviews: “I’m afraid of heights but – this isn’t too bad, you know. It’s not like I can see ground and water and all that stuff. It’s just steel and there’s a lot to grab onto.”
We know, thanks to Roto-Rooter.
Steve: “Okay?”
Andy: “Yeah, you’re doin’ good. Keep goin’.”
Steve: “I feel like I’m in the Star Wars garbage compactor.”
Andy titters. They peer around a doorway, with Steve holding a camera ready to shoot over his head. What’s that camera man doing there? He is always where they’re going. It’s like he’s psychic. They must have almost as much footage of their camera crews as their camera crews have of them.
Andy: “Yeah, it’s this way, Steve. This is the way that leads to the shower room where all the sailors got basically blown apart by the torpedo.”
STARBOARD LAVATORY 10:40 PM
Steve: “Can you imagine just sitting here showering – all of a sudden you get hit with a fucking torpedo?”
Tattoo boy cuts short his reverie about the vagaries of life to take pictures and ask: “Is there anybody here who lost their life and would like to speak to us? Please give us a sign of your presence.”
The editors throw in another damn skull.
Andy: “Ho! Dude, just had a spike. 2.2.”
Steve is not impressed: “2.2. Puhh.”
Andy: “I’m hittin’ a spike.”
Steve: “How many of you died when the torpedo struck?”
Andy: “Steve, I – I’m gettin’ high readings in here.”
Andy interviews: “When we were investigating the shower room we had some EMF spikes. It was definitely something where I had to start thinking more towards the line of it being paranormal because we were in an area of the ship where we knew for a fact that all the power was cut so there was really nothing that could have been generating an electromagnetic field.”
Steve: “Is this you here with us right now? Why don’t you communicate with us?”
Andy: “1.3. 1.8. You see that? You know what? It’s this area. It keeps…”
Steve: Are you with us now?”
Andy: “1.2. 1.7. It’s some pretty high readings there.”
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA 11:20 PM
Jen is sitting at the monitor all by herself. So much for that fabulous training she was going to get.
Jen: “I’m more than willin’ to sit at the DVR system while everyone else is out investigatin’ and havin’ fun because I like to be the first one if any evidence does show up, I’m the first one to see it and I can let everyone else know what’s goin’ on around them.”
This is so pathetic I can’t even poke fun at her.
It’s March 12, 2005 by the way – according to the time stamp on the DVR.
Something’s going on somewhere else.
Jim is rapping out a peremptory: “Who’s there, please?”
Dave: “Better check that out.”
The Haunted North Carolina shirts are a lot cooler than TAPS wear. Jim has a black sleeved white sweatshirt with his group’s name and website in silly spooky font on the back. They have a better ghost logo, too. It isn’t quite so cutesy as the TAPS ghost.
MESS HALL 12:15 AM
Jim, very sharply: “Who’s over there? Please identify yourself.”
There is a loud metallic clashing sound nearby, but the Pilgrim sound guy has so completely messed us up it’s impossible to tell what’s extraneous ghost noise and what’s added effects these days.
Jim: “Dustin, David and I were down in the mess area. Uh – we were doing EMF and temperature sweeps and we heard a crashing sound like something fell over. Uh – somebody – you know – dropped something heavy on the floor. Uh – we went to go check it out.”
Dustin: “Well, the only people unaccounted for during that sound were – uh – Andy and Steve being downstairs.”
Jim: “Hang on a second.” He lets the lid on a huge cooking pot fall. It is similar to the noise we just heard.
Dustin interviews: “We tried droppin’ some pans and some lids and other things we found down there but nothing we could seem to imitate exactly what that sounded like.”
Jim: “There’s air conditioning vents that go through there, something rattling there, I still don’t think it would have made that kind of noise. You know, an old ship is gonna make noises at night but mostly it’s gonna be like groaning, creaking noises.”
Dustin changes the subject.
Dustin: “So what do you guys think about workin’ with J. and Grant?”
They’re too damn circumspect to give us any good gossip, like what they think about Jason’s green olive voodoo, and
Jim: “So much of this field is – uh – you know people that are just snipin’ at each other and bickering, and ‘my way is better,’ ‘your way is better,’ and Jason comes down and says ‘Hey, you know what? These guys are part of the family, and they do things a little bit differently. Let’s compare notes. Let’s find out what works’ and you – so we really appreciate it.”
Of course, this is the same Jim Hall that totally went along with that little charade at Mordecai House, about that battleship they so needed help on tomorrow. I mean today. No, damn it – yesterday. Anyway, his reliability is shot. Plus I think Jason must have slipped him a couple of sawbucks to say that. That’s what he should have done with Pam. Only I guess sawbucks don’t go far these days. So Benjamin Franklins.
Dustin: “No, it’s definitely good – it’s definitely good experience for everybody involved I think – you know? Especially me as a rookie member – you know – it’s really good to come down and work with you guys especially in my training and get everythin’ together ‘cause you know I really appreciate workin’ with you guys. It’s a benefit for everybody I think.”
Dustin is able to talk really fast at length without saying much.
Grant interviews: “J. and I decided to head down into the part of the ship that hadn’t been touched since the ‘50’s and uh – we went down there and that was awesome because it was completely quiet and it was just us.”
Awww. Or ewww.
THE INVESTIGATION AFTER FOUR HOURS
Jason gets uncharacteristically reflective during his quiet alone time with Grant. And the camera crew.
Jason: “The thing is also when you think about it, that guy? If he was actually here, he’d retire to back to where he is most commonly used to be – his place to sleep, where he felt safe and comfortable.”
Grant: “Yeah, that’s one way of lookin’ at it. It looks like there are more cots in here.”
Jason: “Yeah, so there are.”
Grant: “I wish we knew more about this guy. Then we’d know where to look, you know? Like was he an electrician, or a cook?”
There is a sudden noise nearby, like a stick hitting something.
Grant flinches and turns around to look back at the camera crew. “What was that?”
Grant interviews: “While we were down there, we started hearing banging, and the banging happened probably about ten feet from us in any particular room.”
The noise repeats.
Jason: “Is anyone fuckin’ around, you fuckers?” He glares at us, i.e. the camera crew. I’m bein’ serious. Off-camera, you fuckers.”
Grant is looking back reproachfully, too.
(Voice of) Phillip P. Brown Camera Operator (also Director of Photography in the end credits): “No. No. Swear to god.”
Jason: “Swear to god?”
Phillip P. Brown: “Swear to god.”
Producer Hawes seems awfully quick to suspect his crew of hijinks. Such language! Okay, it was bleeped out, but I’m pretty positive that’s exactly what he said. There were far more bleeps than usual.
Jason: “Who keeps throwin’ stuff?”
Grant interviews: “We couldn’t figure it out. I mean obviously there wasn’t someone hiding behind this piece of machinery or something but in order for that bang to have happened within ten feet, that person would have had to have been right there. I mean we would have seen or heard something . We would have found that person.”
They are now in a darkened room that seems to contain an airplane. Hunh. This is a big ship. There’s more thumping.
Jason: “Uh – who keeps throwin’ stuff? Bangin’ stuff?”
Grant: “At least show your flamin’ head. This is ridiculous. Where the heck are we now?”
Jason: “I have no idea. We are so friggin’ lost in the bowels of hell. Why is that movin’?”
In front of them, a curved metal strap hanging from a wall bracket at waist height is swinging back and forth about an inch or so.
Jason: “If that’s movin’ someone just took off. If somebody’s down here, let us know. I’m gonna be more pissed if you don’t tell me and I find you. You’re askin’ never to see the top of the boat again.”
The blow-hard then whispers: “Did you hear that? Steps.”
I don’t hear a goddamn thing.
Grant interviews: “At one point we had suspicion that maybe someone was down there playing a prank on us. Uh – we did hear footsteps running away several times, and voices.”
Grant in the scene, pointing stage left: “I heard it from in there.”
Jason: “Did you really?”
He turns back. Flashlights are flashing all over.
Grant: “Look in there with the zoom.”
Good idea! Then you don’t have to go in yourself.
Jason: “Prison. Prison. We found the prison! We found the brig!”
Grant closes the brig door and a long, hollow, squeaky creaking results.
Jason looks at Grant bug-eyed. “Now that was an awesome sound.”
Grant: “Sounds like a whale.”
Jason: “Nah, it was one of them ghost sounds. Ready?”
Grant: “Wait. It’s gotta open here.”
There’s another hollow noise, but now it sounds like the sound guy is up to his usual tricks. Jason gestures while raising his eyebrows, so maybe he heard it, too, in which case it may not be the sound guy.
Jason: “Now that’s down there.”
Grant: “I’m hearin’ voices, too.”
Somebody says “Shh, shh.”
There are more hollow metal sounds – heavy clanks and bangs. Jason and Grant look at each other.
It would be nice to know where they are, but the title people are lost, themselves, or too busy playing minesweeper.
Grant interviews: “At one point we actually had one of the portal doors close behind us.”
And where is this door? Did he say porthole door? Does this mean one of those heavy hatch things? We’re getting told about it after the fact? What good is hauling a camera crew around behind you then? Where are the thermometers and EMF detectors? Are Jason and Grant relying on their feelings? Because the thermal imaging camera sure isn’t helping.
Grant in scene: “Yeah, but I don’t hear footsteps or voices.”
He peers backwards, while Jason looks into the darkness ahead.
Jason, whispering: “Hang on. I just saw a shadow. I saw a shadow.”
Jason would sneer at anybody else saying this. So I should do it for him, because he’s busy. He says he saw a “shadow.” Pft.
Oh. The title people woke up. It’s time for a phantom commercial.
THE INVESTIGATION
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Monday 1:45 AM
But they don’t know where we are either. Sheesh.
Jason: “Hang on. I just saw a shadow. Hello? Hello?”
Grant: “That room’s okay.”
Jason: “We hear a noise in front of us, a friggin’ door closes behind us…”
Grant: “Oh, great. Now we’ll never find our way out.”
If only. But just follow Andy’s advice and go up, you morons. There are not really any animated skeletons waiting to pounce on you, although in my own version of this episode…
Grant: “You see that light down there? Something definitely moved.”
Down where? What?
Jason: “Something went by there. It’s like a black shadow.”
Jason and Grant keep wandering along anonymous ship corridors. It’s like a vast, dark tunnel system to nowhere. Very much like the basic concept of this program.
Grant: “C’mon, man. Hang on. Check inside these things. A guy could have jumped off to the side.”
Jason, sotto voce: “I already looked over there. G. – this is where we saw the friggin’ shadow.”
There is more walking around in the dark with flashlights.
Jason: “G.W., I think it’s down this way.”
I don’t think we’ve heard Jason call Grant “G.W.” since they had their special “experience” at Eastern State Penitentiary. So perhaps he’s really agitated.
Jason interviews: “When we got to the end of the hall to the room where we had seen a shadow go into and – uh – there was only one way in and one way out, well, there definitely it sent a shiver up your spine ‘cause we saw whatever it was go into that room.”
Grant: “It was right on here.”
Jason: “Whatever the sound was that came down this way, can you tell me how the hell it got out?”
Grant interviews: “All I know is that we were down in the bowels of the ship. We were chasing something or something was chasing us. We weren’t sure we were going to be able to find out way out so overall it was just an uncomfortable situation for us.”
Rhode Island plumbers lost inside the U.S.S. North Carolina. Rescue teams say time is running out.
Jason in scene: “Whatever was here isn’t here anymore. You know what – we got two days of footage, we got two days of audio.”
Grant: “Yeah, it’s getting’ late.”
Jason: “I think we should wrap it up.”
Someone has evidently told them that the way to get out is to go up, and a ladder is found. Phew. Someone says “Don’t fall ‘cause we’ll all die.” I’ve given up hope.
That stupid Roto-Rooter camera has to be packed up and hauled out again. That was pitiful product placement. We got to see walls! Who knew there were walls? I mean bulkheads.
This episode’s story-telling leprechaun (if only we’d seen more of him) is on deck to bid a courtly adieu.
Danny: “I just want to let y’all know it’s been a pleasurable experience havin’ y’all here and uh – y’all conducted y’allselves in a very professional manner.”
Yeah, well, everyone except Jason.
Grant: “Thank you! Likewise. You guys have been very hospitable. We had a good time.”
Jason: “We got a ton of evidence to go over…”
The usual thanks you’ve been wonderful etc. etc. follow.
Back to Rhode Island! Except, now we have to do dumb old Mordecai House, where everyone’s going to get sick from Buffalo chicken salad or two nights on a cold battleship or something.
THE ANALYSIS
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Monday, 10:15 AM
BEST WESTERN INN
Raleigh, North Carolina
Really, guys, if you’re going to make up a story, you ought to have the decency to stick to it. Or at least have the title people lie.
So they drove back to Raleigh to analyze their evidence. Their two nights of evidence. Think somebody’s going to be fast-forwarding on this one?
Steve, Andy, and Jen are all jammed around a motel room table with two monitors and a laptop. The “co-founders” are undoubtedly sleeping. Dustin must be off doing his hair.
By the way, what happened to Demonologist Carl? They promised us Carl in the credits! Carl has not shown up. I’m disappointed. I like the twins.
Steve: “Road trips are fun, but it’s such a pain doin’ the analysis in these little rooms on these little tables.”
Andy: “Yeah, I – I know what you’re sayin’. It’s frustrating.”
Jen: “Yes, it’s too cramped.”
Andy finds something odd with a camera that was outside on the ship’s deck, pointing up towards the main turret. Nobody bothered to tell us about this, and apparently they aren’t going to explain it now.
Andy: “You see that? It’s a shift in the camera.”
Steve: “I would think if it were to just move on its own, it wouldn’t go up and down.”
Andy: “It would just go down or – and stay down, right.”
Steve: “It wouldn’t go up.”
Andy: “And not go up.”
Steve: “I think we should take it – you know – as the evidence…”
Andy: “All right.”
Jim from Haunted North Carolina calls. He has an EVP he wants them to hear.
Best Western gets another plug from a view of its sign “Best Western Raleigh North Free High Speed Internet,” and I’m thinking TAPS/Pilgrim must get a really good room rate for that kind of product placement, and maybe Steve shouldn’t be complaining about the size of the table.
Jim arrives and hands over his evidence: “Here’s that disk I was telling you about. This was Dustin and I down in that – uh – in the brig and I’ll just let you listen to it.”
Steve listens to it on headphones, and looks blank. “I didn’t hear anything besides you guys talkin’.”
Jim: “Well, that’s just it. Uh – Dustin wasn’t talking. I already talked to him. You hear me talking, and you hear someone else’s voice. It’s not Dustin’s voice.”
Steve: “And there was no one there at the time – just you and Dustin?”
Jim: “Just me and Dustin, so that the (?) question I mean – who was it?”
Andy: “What’s the voice say?”
Jim: “It’s saying something about the ship. Long ship. Something ship. Listen to the longer version of the clip. It’s all on there.”
There’s a general round of “all right, man” and “awesome” and “good job” and now scram because you’re blocking our camera, dude.
Andy, usually Mr. ENthusiasm, is not completely enthusiastic: “Wow. That’s great.”
Steve, chagrinned: “Now let’s see what we can do.”
Staring at the two nights’ worth of footage resumes.
THE FINDINGS
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Monday 6:45 PM
Doppelgangers must be at Mordecai House right now. Or in Warwick. Seriously, does anybody actually have a real job? Because all this driving around the Old South is taking up some major time this winter.
And how did they get through all that evidence in 8-1/2 hours? Let’s see – 14 hours times at least 4 cameras plus audio divided by – nope. Can’t do it. Impossible. Somebody fast-forwarded. And it wasn’t Brian.
Grant: “All right, gentlemen. And lady. What did we find?”
Andy: “Really, after watching all those hours on the EVR we only got one thing that was kinda curious. This is what we got. Up and down, up and down, up and down.”
The footage with the camera moving on the ship deck is shown.
Grant: “No one’s sitting out there adjusting it?”
Andy: “Don’t believe so. That’s the other thing.”
Oh, yeah, and so much for poor Jen Rossi getting to see evidence as it happens and report it first. Where was she when the camera was going all whacky?
Jason: “Now camera 2 we never got anything on the porthole?”
Andy: “On camera 2, nothing.”
Jason: “Jen, what about high 8?”
Jen: “Nothing. No – no bangs or anything. The only banging was at the beginnin’ when everybody was leavin’ the room and then after that it was complete dead silence for the rest of the tapes.”
Jason doesn’t bother to pitch a fit about not looking at evidence closely enough because it’s no fun without Brian to yell at.
Steve: “Jim, from North Carolina, did however swing by here and drop off an EVP voice that he picked up.”
Jason: “Oh, he did?”
Steve: “Yeah. I’ll play that for you.”
The voice is played three times.
Jason: “It almost sounds like ‘the ship.’”
Andy: “That’s what I was thinkin’, too – the ship.”
The voice is played three more times. If TAPS had recorded it, they would be much more generous with the repetitions. Everyone sits around looking expressionless. Damn that Haunted North Carolina Jim anyway.
THE REVEAL
BATTLESHIP NORTH CAROLINA
Tuesday 3:00 PM
This is one long weekend. Well, only 787 miles to drive and they’re home.
Jason and Grant are sitting down with Danny and Capt. David Scheu USN (Retired) Director Battleship North Carolina.
Jason asks if anything’s been happening since they were here.
Danny: “It’s been sort of quiet.”
Grant: That’s good, huh?”
Capt. Scheu: “And that’s good, yes.”
Chortles.
Grant: “Well, as you know we came here – um – to investigate the ship. We placed our equipment in the hot spots as designated by the tour.”
Jason: “We brought in digital video recording system, also the cameras – the total zero lux cameras that shoot in total darkness, um – audio recording systems, uh – thermal imaging cameras that sense temperature changes and fluctuations.”
Zero lux cameras – here, we sigh, remembering Brian and his night-vision goggles.
Grant: “And – um – the first night we covered the back of the ship and the second night we covered more of the front. We have a few things to show you but first we want to tell you stuff that we weren’t able to capture on – with our equipment. The first was that two of our guys were down below and they caught some EMF spikes which is electromagnetic field. The base line reading was flat zero. There was no electromagnetic field generated by the ship itself, and they were getting spikes up to 2, which could denote paranormal activity, and this was up at the showers where – where the – uh – gentlemen died from the torpedo hit.”
Jason: “We also – me and Grant – our own experience while we were down there while we were walking through with the thermal imaging camera, we were getting objects that were either being thrown in front of us at some points, behind us at other points and right next to us. Then right after that we’d hear the pitter-patter of feet, and we kept on tryin’ to track it. To be honest with you at that time we – we felt that somebody was playin’ a game on us, somebody who knew the boat better than us. We did keep on following it to where we figured – you know – it was running out of space to go. Uh – we did witness what appeared to be a shadow go into – uh – one of the halls (hulls?). Uh – upon getting there there was nothing in the room, and there was no other way out, so we were able to see the shadow go in but there was only one door. It couldn’ta gotten out any other way.”
Grant: “And we looked in everything that was in that room, and there was no place for it to hide.”
Scheu: “Now you have your own great story.”
Jason: “Thank you.”
Chortles all around.
Now, to be absolutely precise, there was no sign of any objects being thrown at Jason and Grant. There was only the sound of things hitting other things. Which is not the same thing at all. Jason wouldn’t let anyone else get away with such a sloppy description, but since Jason won’t rein in Jason, we must.
Grant: “Now as far as evidence that we can show, we’ve got some that we’re kinda on the fence about, but we want to show you, at least so you have some knowledge of it. First one – this camera was – it’s an infrared camera that was placed out on the bow of the ship and that’s due to the stories of someone seeing him on the bow. So we got this radical movement.”
Him who? The guy with the white flame hair? Is there only one ghost? Who else has seen it? When? Where? If they didn’t spend so much time and effort setting up stupid fake training sessions, maybe they could tell us more about the ghost hunt? Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, we watch the camera dip and bob again. The deck comes in and out of view. Having no vested interest in this camera, since I know nothing about it, the supposedly surprising motion is unimpressive. For all we know, Steve was sitting in a deck chair beneath it, eating Cheetos, with a string connecting his feeding hand wrist to the camera.
Jason: “And aims towards a beautiful shot of the stars which…”
Grant: “Now, if one of our guys was positioning the camera intentionally, um – there’s no way we would say okay, that looks great, when it’s pointing up at the sky. We did have some relatively new people on the ship that night.”
Scheu gives Danny a look, but we don’t get to find out what it means. Perhaps Jen got seasick, and Dustin was sitting one of the guns making ack-ack noises for a good part of the evening. So much is hidden in television reality.
Jason: “What we’re going to be showing you here – um – is an EVP. It’s an electronic voice phenomenon. It was recorded from Jim Hall’s recorder. Jim – uh – from Haunted North Carolina.”
You remember Jim. The one who was originally heading up this investigation? Who gave it up to the paranormal world’s Don Corleone?
The EVP is played.
Grant: “Now we listened closely to the two voices that we know should be there, compared it to the one voice that comes out of nowhere.”
Jason: “They’re nothing alike. They’re totally different. Isolate that spot and let them hear it.”
Grant plays it again.
Jason: “Now can you guys make out any – anything of what it’s saying?”
Danny: “Something like – something ship, don’t it?”
Jason: “Yeah, it sounds like ‘something the ship.’”
I thought you weren’t supposed to prompt people, but Jason’s probably itchy to stop talking about something TAPS didn’t find.
Scheu: “It’s interesting that right after that it gets real clear.”
He means the static goes away when Jim’s voice returns. You can listen here:
Jason: “I think what it really comes down to it, like I said, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I believe – you know – that you’ve got a ghost on the ship but I am going to sit here and tell you that I believe you do have some kind of – you know – activity – you know – above the – uh – normal.”
You know?
Danny nods. Danny already knows. Tell him something he doesn’t know.
Jason: “So you seem to have a spooky and active ship.”
Danny laughs. Scheu smiles.
Jason: “Active with what I don’t know. But the main reason – you know – we wanted to sit down we wanted to show you guys this and we really wanted to say we appreciate you guys havin’ us out here. This – this boat is – um – I’m sorry, this ship is just incredible and it was a chance of a lifetime.”
Grant: “Exactly.”
Scheu: “Well, we’re glad you could come.”
The usual flurry of thanks and farewells takes place.
Danny’s last words: “I was really well-pleased with what they found. Um – fortunately they had a personal experience down below and – um – I was happy that – you know – that it did happen and I feel like in light of what had happened to them that – uh – they realized that – you know – the things that I’ve been telling people are – you know – the truth and it’s not just something that I had made up. But I was well-satisfied with everything. TAPS did a wonderful job.”
Jason and Grant congratulate themselves in the van on the way back to – Raleigh? Who the hell knows.
Jason: “I gotta say that reveal went well.”
Grant: “It was nice to see Danny realizing how much we experienced happened to him and to his friends and stuff like that.”
Grant is saying that backwards, but that’s what happens when you spend too much time hanging around with Jason.
Jason: “It was just some real strange things that happened that night, from – uh -the high EMF spikes to the constant banging in front of us or behind us that we were chasing down the halls.”
Grant: “Yeah, the video evidence I’m kind of on the fence about but I cannot deny what happened to you and I. I mean I – we’ve had experiences before where we’ve come face to face with stuff but not in that way.
Jason: “Us getting the chance to do that battleship allowed us to really teach our guys.”
Grant: “Yeah, the Mordecai House kinda fell apart and this kinda allowed us – our guys to get the training that we wanted them to, even more than the house could have ever offered.”
Jason: “We were droppin’ like flies at that house. Thank god we had the battleship.”
Grant: “That’s like a once in a lifetime thing, isn’t that? That was a blast. I had a good time.”
Mme. Blahblatsky and I will discuss whether we had a good time in another post.
Tags: Andy Andrews, battleship, Brian Harnois, Dustin Pari, ghost hunters, ghosts, Grant Wilson, Haunted North Carolina, Jason Hawes, Jen Rossi, Mordecai House, paranormal, Raleigh, Steve Gonsalves, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society, U.S.S. North Carolina, Wilmington
