Gumbo

Mme. Blahblatsky and the Talking Mongoose recap and carp about the third episode of the second season of the putative reality show “Ghost Hunters.”

Disclaimer: All of the inane dialogue that Mme. B. has so kindly transcribed gratis with no help from closed captioning because there isn’t any belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc.

We are getting extra wary of that narrator, but here he is again.

Narrator: “On this episode of Ghost Hunters, when a paranormal investigator gets attacked, Jason and Grant come to the rescue. Can a woman make this apparition jealous? To lure out the spirit, Jason decides to use the girls as bait. And the investigation leads Brian and Steve into danger. Then, TAPS travels to Bourbon Street to investigate a famous restaurant. Have the ghost hunters discovered a vortex?”

CREDITS: On the changing slate tonight – Andy Andrews and Paula what’s-her-name, the new r&d person.

Paranormal plumbers Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson sit in their office at The Atlantic Paranormal Society in Warwick, Rhode Island, waiting for that special phone call that will make them spring into action. It has been a slow week. Jason got thrown out of a White House tour when he attempted to bring in a thermal imaging camera. A poltergeist in Pawtucket turned out to be raccoons. And Brian has been infuriatingly well behaved, going so far as to dress up as a clown and make balloon animals at a Hawes family birthday party.

TM: Stop that. You can’t fabulize in the story line. That was your rule, you know.

MB: Yeah, I’m thinking of changing that.

Grant’s cell phone rings. Grant looks at the screen. “It’s Pam from Louisiana.”

TM: Fancy that. It’s Pam.

MB: From Louisiana. You know.

TM: Their Louisiana branch. Right.

Jason’s brow furrows in mystification. He is wearing a bright red shirt today.

TM: What are the odds?

MB: Maybe he wears red because he’s always mad.

TM: Well, we know he’s not a Communist.

MB: I could see him as a Stalinist.

Grant: “Hello. Yeah, it’s been a long time. What’re you guys up to? Really? All right. So wait – whenever he brings – a friend over? Okay. All right. Yeah, let me call you back. Right.”

He hangs up.

TM: That was the worst re-enacted phone call ever. Look – even Jason is smirking about it.

Grant: “That was Pam, from Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters. She’s got a case down there. Uh – this guy every time he brings a friend over, the ghost acts up. So he can’t get a date. The problem is that she’s been doin’ this case for a while. Uh – she’s had quite a few experiences there – they don’t know what to do about it. They can’t solve the guy’s problem. She’s hoping that we would come down.”

TM: See – she couldn’t have said half of that in the time she was “on the phone.”

MB: So she’s hoping TAPS can help the guy get a date?

Jason’s computer is set to a chat room.

TM: I bet he’s a demon in chat rooms, terrorizing hapless newbies. I mean, I think he’s a demon, anyway, but…

MB: Not a real one?

TM: Maybe. Or possessed. At the least.

MB: That would explain a lot.

TM: The complete lack of a sense of humor tipped me off.

MB: Are we sure he has thumbs?

Jason: “I love Louisiana. I do. But Steve and Brian have to drive all the way down there – that’s two days.”

Off camera, Grant cannot help himself, and is laughing.

MB: I hate these stupid phantom trips. Why do they bother?

TM: Phantom mileage. It’s a tax thing.

Grant: “Well, let’s get Steve in here – I know Brian is not around – and see how he reacts.”

Jason summons Steve by intercom. Steve trots into the executive office.

Steve: “What’s up, guys?”

Jason: “Hey, gotta question for you.”

Grant: “Did you like Louisiana?”

Steve: “Sure.” He bobs his head enthusiastically.

Grant: “Would you like to go back?”

Steve: “Yeah.” He is now wagging his tail and panting. “I’d love to go back.”

Jason: “You sure?”

Steve: “New Orleans? Yeah, c’mon!” He rubs his hands together in anticipation of – boas? Beads?

TM: It’s all the Stuckey’s on the way.

MB: It’s all the ladies the camera crew attracts. Poor Sheri. You don’t even remember her, do you?

TM: Nope.

Jason: “Pam down there – she – really needs our help but – uh – talk to the other guys. Make sure that everybody’s – uh – game and we’ll take it from there.”

Steve: “I will. I’ll go talk to ‘em.”

Jason interviews: “One thing that really motivates our group is evidence, and Pam and Michelle really need our help to gather evidence to try to support their claims.”

MB: What? Insurance claims? Why do they “need” help to “support claims?” Who cares what Pam and Michelle are claiming?

TM: Scientific American? The National Enquirer?

We see Brian and Steve leaping into the vans in the snowy parking lot out back, embarking on their faux-1500-mile road trip, which they already did a couple of weeks ago. America’s highways flash by. It almost seems like they’re going somewhere.

MB: I cannot figure out why they want us to think they drove to Louisiana twice. It’s not like the IRS is going to be fooled, either.

Brian, driving, radios to Steve: “Ready to get down to New Orleans? Dude, I’m just lookin’ forward to the food, man. Steve – a lot of crayfish for you, man.”

Steve: “I don’t eat seafood – at all – crayfish, crawfish, crawdaddies, prawns, shrimp, lobster, crab – none of it.”

TM: It’s that arthropod phobia of his.

MB: Heh. Although if you knew how a lobster’s blood system worked…

Brian listens to this list of unacceptable foodstuffs, grinning.

MB: I bet Steve won’t eat anything green, either.

TM: I bet Steve is afraid of clowns. And escalators. And needles.

We pass the Nashville/Birmingham sign, the “Alabama the Beautiful”, and then we are back in New Orleans “again.”

Brian radios: “I called Jason yesterday and he wants us there on time for when he arrives and I do not need to get yelled at by him. He’s giving me this responsibility of making it there and there’s no way I want to – uh – be in trouble with him.”

So then they have a flat tire.

Brian: “This sucks, man. Only us. Only us…”

Steve: “Only you.”

Brian: “Shut up and give me the damn thing – (sputtering) hurry up! Let’s go c’mon c’mon!”

There is a view of a plane landing against an ominous lurid sunset.

TM: Pilgrim put a nail in their tire at the last rest stop.

MB: Or they paid Steve to do it.

TM: Ten miles down the road, they are overturning an oil tanker truck.

NEW ORLEANS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

Friday 6:30 PM

That merry music TM loathes plays merrily, as Jason, Grant, and one of the TAPS girls come into view pulling their luggage.

Grant: “Ah – I don’t see him.”

Jason is already working his phone: “Brian, this is J. Where are ya?”

Jason, Grant, Paula and Kristyn stand in front of their terminal with their bags. Jason sits down on one, and ostentatiously looks at his watch. “This is going to be ridiculous.” He folds his arms, fumes, phones again. “Brian, where are you?”

More waiting. Grant has plunked down on luggage. “Is that him?”

Nope.

Jason: “Wake me up when he gets here.” Except he’s standing.

Grant: “I’ll do the psychic thing.” He holds his fingers to his temples. “Brian! Brian!”

Jason phones again: “Brian, it’s J. It’s after 7. We’re still sitting here.”

Paula has now collapsed on her bags.

Grant: “Does he even know the name of the hotel we’re at?”

Jason shakes his head. Grant throws himself down laughing. The girls smile.

MB: How come Steve doesn’t come in for any of this abuse? He’s half of the ground transportation crew.

TM: More to the point, how is any of this a problem? Why doesn’t that stupid production crew that’s filming them – oh, right. Advancement of the plot.

MB: There’s no plot. Except the plot against us.

Grant starts singing “Kumbaya” off-key. The other three are

A van pulls up.

Grant: “Is that him? Is that him? Brian! Friggin’ A! What the frig happened to you guys?”

Steve is first up: “Safe flyin’?” He and Grant hug and slap backs.

Brian goes to grab a bag from Jason: “Flat tire and everythin’, man.” No hugs for Brian.

Grant: It took you four hours to change a flat tire?”

Jason, to nobody in particular: “I just wanna get out of here.” He flounces off, flings himself into the driver’s seat of one van, and slams the door.

TM: He’s such a diva.

MB: To be a real diva, you need hair to toss.

Grant interviews: “J. and I were just too tired to deal with Brian and Steve bein’ late at the airport so – uh – we decided to head back to the hotel, get some rest, so that we could be ready to – uh – help out Pam in the morning.”

TM: They will also need some beignets to help administer those thirty lashes. Do you suppose Grant remembered to pack Jason’s cat o’ nine tails?

MB: Too bad keel-hauling isn’t an option. The scum. Having the nerve to be late to the airport after driving 1500 miles to get there.

TM: Except they didn’t.

MB: Well, they did once.

TM: This is so confusing.

MB: TAPS’ tangled fucking web.

QUALITY INN TOWER HOTEL

Saturday 1:15 PM

Two women are sitting in the lobby, wearing light blue shirts, stenciled on the the back à la TAPS – “SLGH.”

Grant interviews: “Pam and Michelle head up a group called – uh – Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters. It’s part of the TAPS family. A majority of the groups out there investigating the paranormal investigate it from a believer’s standpoint. TAPS doesn’t do that. We go in there saying this place isn’t haunted. Now there are a lot of groups out there that research the way we do and we have incorporated them into our family and make that nice big network so we can help people everywhere.”

TM: The real story? You want to hear the real story? Or at least the story I found on the internet?

MB: Mais oui.

TM: It seems TAPS tried to arrange some New Orleans cases, and got Brennan’s and the Hotel Monteleone to agree, but somebody planned wrong or something didn’t work out and they had to find another case to make it worth the trip. So they found Pam Gates’s group on the internet!

MB: So it’s like those poor ghostchatter ladies.

TM: Sort of. Only maybe worse. Pam’s group doesn’t seem to exist anymore. I think it was zeroized, or amoebaed.

MB: Oh, dear. But you dance with the devil and …

TM: The devil rips up your nice hardwood floors. It’s those hooves that do all the damage.

Jason: “So what’s goin’ on?”

Pam Gates Co-Founder Southern Louisiana Ghost Hunters: “Uh – we have a gentleman that lives in bayou country down on a working sugar cane plantation. Been there for hundreds of years. Uh – feels he has a female entity – spirit that has attached herself to him. Very jealous, so much so that it’s affecting his social life. He can’t bring a girl home! She throws a fit, slams doors, knocks things off the wall. Um – he’s actually felt someone crawling in bed with him at night. She’s very possessive.”

Jason: “Wow.”

Pam: “I personally have felt her push me when I get near him.”

TM: Actually, she claims to have had her head pushed into a beam. And a windowsill.

MB: Ouch. I don’t believe it, but cool!

Jason looks at Grant.

Grant: “Well, we had a case like that in Connecticut – um – except it was the other way around. It was a male spirit that was hangin’ around this girl and the husband felt very uncomfortable.”

Pam: “If this spirit is uncomfortable with me being around, it’s going to be uncomfortable with any female being around.”

Jason: “Okay, so we brought a few.” He gestures to Paula and Kristyn, who smile girlishly.

MB: Where’s Jen Rossi?

TM: They’re pretending she isn’t here. She was on that first trip to the Myrtles, not this one. Remember?

MB: Idiots.

Jason: “You’ve got everything in the van?”

Brian: “Everything’s ready to go.”

Jason: “Sweet. Let’s get goin’.”

There’s a dutiful chorus of let’s do it and all rights. They head out for Georgia Plantation, Labadieville (thanks, TM).

Jason and Grant plot their strategy in the executive van.

Jason: “We definitely don’t plan on coverin’ the whole plantation while we’re there. I just wanna try to cover this guy who supposedly the activity happens to when he brings a friend home.”

TM: That’s because Pam was too generous. She gave them a case involving confederate soldiers and cursed ground and stuff all around the plantation.

MB: God damn it. Why can’t we ever hear the good stories?

TM: And miss those golden moments with Jason and Grant trying to find new ways to say nothing in fractured English? Bite your tongue. It’s Waiting for Godot for the MTV generation.

MB: I hated Waiting for Godot.

Grant: “You know we are bringing a whole lot of women into this house.”

Jason: “Well, look on the bright side, man. If this thing gets annoyed with females I’m gonna tell you right now all the females we’ve got annoy the shit out of me, so I think it’ll be perfectly fine. Just stick ‘em in the house – they gotta irritate somethin’.”

MB: Jason Hawes is just a pig.

TM: Demon pig.

MB: And – way to be professional.

TM: Professional demon pig.

Grant thinks Jason is sooooooo funny. He laughs and laughs.

MB: I used to think Grant was a nice guy by choice. Now I think it’s just relative.

TM: Professional demon piglet.

MB: I think you called him a weasel.

TM: Weaselly. Weaselly professional demon piglet.

In another van, Steve is indulging in some wishful thinking.

Steve: “This case seems pretty good. We could have a possible inhuman, we could have a possible poltergeist, we could have a possible…”

Brian: “Pissed-off ghost.”

Steve “Pissed-off ghost, we could have a possible poltergeist…”

Brian: “You said that.”

Steve: “I know it but I’m goin’ on the list of what we could have.”

Now it’s complain-about-Brian time in the executive van.

Grant: “So Brian is still consistently on the phone, like at all times.”

The editors helpfully cut to Brian, on the phone, while driving.

Brian: “I love you, baby. I love you, Dina, with all my heart.”

Grant: “He was on the phone non-stop.”

Brian: “Okay, sweetheart.”

Jason: “It’s an on-going problem. Last investigation he was on the phone for for 45 minutes, then he was on the phone for a half hour, then he was on the phone for another 45 minutes.”

Grant: “I mean, you and I are married with kids and we’re not on the phone that much.”

TM: He’s unclear on the concept here.

MB: These are the guys who have made a profession out of avoiding the wives and kids.

TM: As soon as Brian gets married, this problem will be over.

Steve: “You might want to save your phone a little tonight.”

Brian: “Why? What’s the matter?”

Steve: “J. and Grant are kinda catching wind that you might be on your phone a lot during investigations.”

Brian: “Really?”

Steve: “Yep. So…”

Brian: “All right.”

Steve: “Just a heads up.”

Jason: “Just getting’ old having’ to pull the kid aside.”

Grant: “It’s the principle of it, you know – you should have that kind of common sense.”

Brian: “I love her so – you know – I – I just like to call every once in a while and see how she’s doin’.”

Steve: “Well, I’ma yaima blooer.” Or, something else. It’s unclear what he thinks about this.

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

4:22 PM

They arrive at a very Louisiana-style old house with an extended roof over the front porch, and odd dormers. It looks rather like a modest version of the Myrtles. It’s still pretty big.

Jason: “Oh, this place is awesome.”

Pam: “A very old sugar cane plantation.”

TM: That’s a 200-year-old house. The plantation overseer lived here. I read that.

MB: Why would I want to know that?

The weather is very changeable in this part of Louisiana. One second it’s brilliantly sunny, and the next it’s grey and rainy, and then back again.

TM: Psst. That’s an editing continuity problem.

MB: Psst. I know that.

TM: Oh.

Bruce emerges from the house. Pam introduces him. Grant, as always, is here to help.

Bruce: “Y’all c’mon in.”

Grant: “This house is incredible.”

Bruce DeVille Homeowner explains his problem: “The reason I called TAPS is every time I bring a lady friend over, they tell me the same. Each and every one of ‘em is like ‘I feel like somebody’s starin’ at me. I don’t feel right.’ Some’s don’t want ‘em here, due to the fact this lady dyin’ here, she don’t understand that she’s deceased. I can’t bring no lady friends here, because of that reason. It’s getting’ really really irritatin’.”

MB: Now see – here is somebody with a real problem, and a clear grasp of it. He isn’t babbling nonsense about wanting them to prove he’s not crazy.

TM: That’s not good. They’re not going to like that. They’re going to want to prove him crazy.

MB: They don’t have to prove it. They can just call him crazy. It’s the exact opposite of being haunted.

THE INVESTIGATION

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

Saturday 5:13 PM

Bruce is giving Jason and Grant a tour. They are in a downstairs bedroom.

Bruce: “This is one of the hot spots of the house.”

BRUCE’S SISTER’S BEDROOM

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

Bruce’s sister has wisely skedaddled.

Bruce: “I’ve seen shadows come from the hallway and come like in here. It seems like I’ve heard voices comin’ from this room.”

Grant: “What kind of noises are you hearing?”

Bruce: “I’ve heard like male and female start talking and then they’d get loud, and I’d get up real quick and walk through the front, and right when I get to the door, grab the knob, everything shuts off.”

Grant: “Awesome. Okay.”

BRUCE’S BROTHER’S BEDROOM

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

Bruce’s brother is another smart cookie, and has vamoosed.

Pam: “In this room you very frequently smell the smell of death. I’ve smelled it myself.”

Bruce: “Mm-hmm.”

MB: That might be dead rats in the walls.

TM: It’s Louisiana. Maybe it’s alligators.

In an astoundingly empty upstairs, Jason asks what kind of activity takes place there.

Bruce: “At night it would feel like someone would just crawl in bed and snuggle up with me.”

MB: If he’s serious, yikes! Not fun.

TM: Especially if it’s an alligator.

Jason: “So is that all that’s happened in this room?”

Pam: “I’ve encountered a young Cajun child in this room. If you look at the doors you can see ‘Genevieve – 5 years old.’ This is the child spirit I encountered up here on our initial investigation. I spoke in English asking if there was anyone here that wanted to communicate. I didn’t get an answer but on our second investigation I actually spoke to her in Cajun.”

Grant: “That’s awesome.”

Jason: “We should definitely put a camera in this room.”

Bruce: “I’ve seen shadows move across the wall.”

Grant: “Did you move downstairs because of it?”

Bruce: “I stayed up here a while but no – (shakes head) I just couldn’t handle it stayin’ up here.”

Bruce interviews: “I mean – I do know that there is spirits in this house so I hope TAPS can help me out with this.”

TM: Hey, I think Bruce is really for real! Cool!

MB: He must be. No one abandons the whole upper floor of their house without a good reason.

TM: Unless the upper floor is infested with something besides ghosts.

MB: Like bats, yeah.

TM: Or alligators.

MB: Are you already bored?

TM: I was bored starting when Grant got that “phone call” from “Pam in Louisiana.” Allow me my fantasy alligators, please.

THE INVESTIGATION

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

Saturday 5:58 PM

The editors do that fake thunder and lightning thingy they did at the Myrtles with a sunshiny shot of the house. It’s just as dopey here.

Jason is retelling Bruce’s stories to the minions.

He wants Bruce’s sister’s bedroom fully covered, with two cameras maybe, because it’s a hot hot spot, but it’s only hot when door is closed so the door must be closed. The sound guy screeks the door shut for us, and give us a drum slam.

An upstairs area needs cameras and audio. Downstairs again,

Grant: “He hears ridiculous noises coming from the next room. That’s where a woman died.”

MB: I want “ridiculous” noises defined.

TM: Clown horns, sheep baa-ing, and music boxes playing “Feelings.”

Brian’s face is flashed in negative, followed by that Jack Nicholson guy they used at DiRaimos’ house.

Jason: “So that’s pretty easy, guys. You got three rooms to cover. You know – let’s make it happen.”

Hey – there’s Jen Rossi in her red sweater.

TM: How the heck did she get here? Quel surprise!

MB: Idiots!

She’s helping with the cords. Everybody is, because the cords are a mess.

Brian: “I – I just unraveled this. Ughh. Why are these all like this now?”

Kristyn interviews: “I don’t mind havin’ to do the cords. It’s just Brian probably should have wrapped them a little better.” She’s shrugging and smiling sweetly.

TM: Bithc!!!

MB: She doesn’t mind doing the cords because it gives her a chance to jump on the Bash Brian Bandwagon.

TM: Ambitious little lady. I like how she smiles when she knifes him on camera.

Cords are getting thrown everywhere.

It’s February 26, 2005.

TM: Ah hah! So the Myrtles is two days from now. Egad, time travel makes my stomach feel funny.

Jason and Grant grab Bruce for a confab.

Grant: “Um – what we were think’ what we wanna do is since a lot of the activity that happens happens when you bring a friend over, particularly a lady friend, we wanna try to recreate that.”

Jason: “Are you comfortable with that?”

Bruce: “I’m fine with that.”

Grant: “Awesome. So we’ll go get them.”

Bruce: “All right.”

Elsewhere,

Steve: “We’re setting the camera up in the living room here because the client’s gonna sit in here with a – with a lady friend and un – see if they can’t get this thing riled up and get it to come out. That might be kind of fun.”

We follow him into the kitchen, where a giant stock pot sits on the stove.

Steve: “God, that gumbo smells so good.” He removes the lid and stirs it, then whispers “I betcha it’s gonna taste good. I just don’t know if I can get myself to eat it.”

TM: OH MY GOD STEVE IS MENTAL. Look at that gumbo!

MB: Yeah, but it might be alligator gumbo.

TM: Who cares? Who would refuse Cajun gumbo made for you by a Cajun?

Grant is outside at the van with Kristyn and Jen.

Grant: “Now Kristyn, I would like for you to sit with Bruce.”

Kristyn interviews: “My first experience with the paranormal, I was about 15. My stepmother had a ghost in her house that would overturn t.v.’s, open windows, move things all around the house, and that’s really what got me into the paranormal.”

MB: Overturn t.v.’s my aunt fannie. She’s fabulizing.

TM: Maybe it was a very tiny t.v.

Grant: “Also, you know, we can be getting information from Bruce. Just kinda sit on the couch and hang out so that – ‘cause that’s when the activity happens. We’re gonna have a camera on ya at all times.”

Bobble-headed Kristyn has got a smile on so tight it’s about to split her lips.

Grant, oblivious: “If that’s something you’re comfortable with, I’d appreciate it.” He departs.

Jen gives Kristyn the hairy eyeball.

Kristyn has her arms folded, with one hand stroking her neck.

Kristyn interviews, much later: “When I originally walked into the house I got a really uncomfortable feeling, almost like a heavy weight that there was someone there watchin’ me and I didn’t feel comfortable sitting alone in this house even though there were members that weren’t that far away. I didn’t feel comfortable sitting by myself without another TAPS member present. So I changed my mind about sitting with Bruce.”

MB: Ninny! What kind of ghost hunter can’t sit on a couch in a room in a house with like two dozen people nearby? And cameras?

TM: That does seem excessively delicate of her. I take it back about the ambition. But perhaps she thought Bruce was going to ravage her.

MB: Oh, piffle. She’s being useless, and rude.

TM: So we don’t like Kristyn.

MB: Not tonight.

Jason interviews the same night: “After Kristyn agreed to sit with Bruce, she came to me – uh – in confidence and she feels uncomfortable so she’s not gonna do it. We’re gonna have Bruce call and see if he can have a friend stop by.”

MB: “Kristyn’s being worse than Brian in the penitentiary. But why don’t they ask Jen to do it? Or Paula? What’s wrong with these people?

TM: Jason is a sociopath and/or he is possessed by a demon. I think we’ve established that. Tell me where you keep the DSM-IV and I’ll look everybody else up.

Jason and Grant descend upon Bruce to get him to supply what TAPS apparently can’t. A rational woman.

Grant: “I don’t know if you got someone you can call or whatever?”

Bruce: “Yeah, uh – I’ve got a lady friend.”

Grant: “Perfect. That’d be great.”

Jason: “Let’s do that. Let’s make that call.”

Bruce: “That’ll work. That’ll work.”

Grant: “Yeah. You’re gonna call? Thank you.”

Upstairs, Brian is confused, not for the first time.

Brian: “Okay, third floor bedroom, we are now going to record audio. For some EVP I’m going to set up the white noise generator. So you’re going to hear the white noise generator in the background at all times. I’ve seen white noise used on different investigations. It works.”

Paula: “I find it hard to believe ‘cause it just raises up how much noise you have.”

Grant interviews: “White noise generator is a tool that we use to help us capture EVP’s. One of the main theories with white noise is that if there’s a steady constant noise then the entities will have something to draw from to make a sound or a voice.”

Brian finishes setting up the white noise generator. “Okay. Let’s rock ‘n’ roll.”

TM: White noise is so danceable.

LIVING ROOM 6:29 PM

Jason: “Bruce called his friend Ashley. She’s gonna come over and try to sit in the room with Bruce and see if they can bring the spirit out.”

We’re in the van, watching Bruce and Ashley on the monitor with Kristyn and Jen Rossi.

MB: Jen is not being allowed to speak on this episode because officially, she’s not actually there.

Bruce: “You know, I can’t have friend like you over here without somethin’ flarin’ up. It’s gettin’ really irritatin’. I just tell ‘em – go on about their business. Leave me alone. They’re deceased. They’re not livin’ no more. I’m livin.”

Steve whispers: “We just set up all our equipment. First impression’s I don’t think there’s really much goin’ on, but we never really find out until we go dark and get all the equipment goin’.”

MB: My impression is that Steve has the psychic sensitivity of a doorknob.

TM: He’s been pilfering Jason’s private olive stash.

Jason: “All right. Lights out.”

Brian: “I have a funny feelin’ about something’.”

UPSTAIRS 8:25 PM

Michelle French Co-Founder South Louisiana Ghost Hunters: “This is the little French girl that had spoken to Pam before that we think is in this room, Genevieve. Bon jour. Comment ça va? Talk to us. Let us know that you’re here.”

Brian: “Comment ça va?”

TM: Sacrebleu! Brian speaks French!

MB: It might be his mother tongue.

Steve: “Would you like to communicate with us, please?”

Brian: “Dude, you feel that?”

Steve: “What am I feeling?”

Brian: “I got all tingly.”

Steve: “You did?”

Brian: Ho ho ho!!! The last time this happened was when I ran out of the prison.”

Steve creeps forward in the dark. “I feel it, too, Brian.”

Brian, chortling: “Dude! This is good!”

Steve: “I feel like I’m going to drop through the floor.”

Brian: “I know, dude! Hello! Is there anybody – oh my god – I can’t even talk! Genevieve! Comment ça va?”

Steve: “What’s that?”

Brian: “Quoi?”

Steve: “I think I just saw a shadow.”

Brian: “Did you?”

Steve: “Yep.” He walks forward into a dark corner of the room.

Brian: “Watchoutwatchoutwatchout!”

THE INVESTIGATION

DEVILLE’S HOUSE

Saturday 10:35 PM

Brian is repeating his watchout’s after the ghost commercial.

Steve: “What?”

Brian: “Dude, there’s a board missing in the floor, dude.”

Steve: “It’s right there. I see it!”

Brian: “Okay.”

Steve interviews: “Brian and I were upstairs looking for the spirit of that little girl and – uh – I saw a shadow. Pointed it out to Brian, and it really freaked him out.”

MB: Hunh. It was Steve who seemed freaked out.

TM: It would have been great if Steve had really fallen through the floor. Hey – this must be the vortex the narrator was talking about.

MB: Darn. I thought the vortex was going to be in Brennan’s.

TM: Double darn. I thought there was going to be a vortex. Woozy feelings and missing floorboards do not a vortex make.

Steve: “I could have sworn right here I just saw it.”

Brian: “Right here right here right here.”

Steve: “A crazy shadow – I saw it on the ceiling.”

Brian: “Is there anybody here?”

Michelle returns.

Steve: “Did you feel anything up here when you came up here?”

Michelle: “Just now?”

Steve: “Yeah.”

Michelle: “Uh – no.”

Steve: “I came up here and my equilibrium was way off. Stepped in there and we were gettin’ dizzy and like heavy and like – we’re gonna go back in.”

He charges back into the crazy room.

Steve: “We’re gettin’ definite drafts from these windows.”

Michelle, holding an EMF gauge: “Yeah, it’s flickering. See – now it’s strong.”

Brian: “Getting’ somethin’?

Steve: “EMF reading – hasn’t been anywhere. Solid 2.”

Grant interviews: “EMF stands for electromagnetic field. The main theory is – is when an entity is trying to manifest itself it’s going to gather energy so you’re looking for pockets of unexplained energy.”

MB: Like those balls of energy that are everywhere, that aren’t ghosts.

TM: Orbs!

MB: Orbs are so out this season.

Brian: “Steve! In here, dude.”

Steve: “Where you at?”

Brian: “Oh, yeah, Steve.”

Steve: “What are you gettin’ over here?”

Brian: “Just got that chill that I had in the other room.”

Steve: “Every once in a while I get a weird-like equilib…”

Brian exclaims: “OH!!! Scared the shit out of me, dude.”

Steve: “What is it?”

Brian, laughing: “It’s a squirrel. All I felt was fur.”

It’s a stuffed squirrel.

MB: You know, that gumbo might be squirrel.

TM: I still don’t care.

BRUCE’S SISTER’S BEDROOM 11:21 PM

Paula is working with equipment, and offers Pam the use of an EMF detector and thermometer. Pam declines.

Pam: “That’s fine. I just use my senses.”

TM: I don’t want you to think less of her, but Pam claimed to have had conversations with those Confederate soldiers that are supposed to haunt the plantation outside.

MB: Too late. Anyone who voluntarily joins the TAPS “family” after the first season of Ghost Hunters is a loony in my estimation.

TM: Poor Pam thought they were going to help her group widen their horizons, give them referrals, bring them along into some wonderful new world of paranormal investigations.

MB: That’s sad. But again, loony.

Paula interviews: “I take my background in being a research scientist over to paranormal investigating and hopefully I can help TAPS with their technology and also with their debunking.

Now we get to see Paula in negative. The editors are enjoying their new toy.

Pam: “Can you check the temperature right here, Paula?”

Paula: “Right here? It’s about the same – about 52 or 52?”

Pam: “Okay, go up a little bit higher.”

Paula: “That’s funny. I’m getting in the 30’s right here.”

Grant interviews about cold spots again. Energy blah blah cold blah blah. We’ve heard it before. It’s getting tiresome.

TM: Did you ever think you would be sick to death of hearing about cold spots?

MB: Not really, no. I feel a little bitter about it, too.

Paula: “I wonder what it is outside?”

Pam: “Like 50.”

Paula: “It’s 32, 29 – it’s in the 20’s – 24, 22. That’s pretty fantastic. 19. Definitely not 19 outside. I was cold but not that cold. 17, 13. Is there something else that this is pointing at?”

Paula interviews later: “As we continued to investigate, I started getting some really low numbers on the temperature gauge but I realized that my hand would be freezing if the temperature gauge was actually reading a temperature that low, so I figured it must have been some type of electrical interference.”

In the room, Pam says she doesn’t feel any drafts to account for the temperature.

Paula: “But it seems like it wouldn’t be a draft because it’s so low but maybe it’d be some kind of interference like – um – electrical or otherwise.”

Paula discovers a halogen lamp in the room is the source of the weird “cold.” The thermometer goes down to minus 9 when pointed at it.

TM: Science – 1, Feelings – 0.

MB: Let’s point out how lame our colleague is, and then beat the point into her back. Because god knows our viewers want to hear every excruciating detail about a halogen lamp throwing off a thermometer reading.

TM: Paula – brilliant. Pam – lame. But how did Pam pick up on the halogen lamp without a thermometer, I ask you?

MB: Hmm. Interesting question. Feelings?

TAPS MOBILE COMMAND UNIT 11:38 PM

Grant bursts in, breathless. “Hey, man.”

Jason is watching the living room monitor. “Hey. What’s up?”

Grant: “Not much. How’ it goin’ in there?”

Jason: “Ashley’s been in there for quite a while, and there’s been really no activity. It doesn’t seem that we’re pulling this female spirit out.”

Grant: “Nothin’s happenin’, huh?”

Jason: “No. You know what? Why don’t you come in, watch ‘em a minute. I’m gonna go see about switchin’ the girls out.”

TM: They could try Grant in a wig.

Grant: “Yeah, all right.”

Jason: “Cool.”

LIVING ROOM 11:55 PM

Jason and Pam enter. Bruce and Ashley have apparently been staking the living room out for four hours. That’s dedication.

Bruce: “Hey, how’s it goin’, brother?”

Jason: “Hey. Anythin’ happenin?” There’s a screw-up in the sound system, and he has to repeat himself. “Anythin’ happenin’?”

Bruce: “No.”

Jason, to Ashley: “Wanna take a break for a few minutes?”

Ashley: “Sure.”

Ashley Smith, Bruce’s Friend interviews: “I’ve heard the female ghost likes to aggravate Pam so I don’t think it was bothered by my presence with Bruce.”

MB: It’s sulking because it wanted to scare the bejeebers out of Kristyn.

Jason interviews: “Last time something happened, Pam was in there with Bruce, so – uh – it’s very possible that she might be the catalyst to the activity in the home. So we’re gonna let the cameras roll for a little while and see what we catch.”

Pam chats up Bruce: “In the weeks since I was here last have you had any activity – positive negative – from her?”

Bruce: “Well – she’s – been tryin’ to tick me off.”

Pam: “So what happened the last time you had a lady over?”

Bruce: “Uh – they didn’t stay long.”

BRUCE’S SISTER’S BEDROOM 12:37 AM

Kristyn has replaced Pam in the room with Paula.

Paula: “I have the chills but I think it’s ‘cause it’s like 40 degrees in here.”

Kristyn: “Yeah, it’s 55.”

They wave flashlights and EMF detectors around. Nothing happening here.

Kristyn interviews, again: “When I walked into the house, I got a really uncomfortable feeling and the last time I had this feeling, I had an inhuman spirit in my house, and it was the most uncomfortable situation, and I understand what he was going through as far as the uncomfortableness.”

MB: Uncomfortable much?

TM: Maybe it was the inhuman spirit that was overturning the television. That would be uncomfortable, I guess.

MB: Pft. And we already heard this. She must be paying off the editors.

TAPS MOBILE COMMAND UNIT 1:18 AM

Grant and Jen are manning the monitors. Jason comes in from wherever the producers hang out arguing about the budget.

Jason: “It’s about time to pack it up. Okay, seriously, let’s get it goin’.”

Grant: “All right. Um – just keep watchin’, Jen, while we break it all down, okay? “’Cause something might happen the last few seconds.”

Jen: “No, that’s fine.”

Grant: “Okay, cool.”

Elsewhere,

Steve, to ghosts: “Where are you?”

Grant comes in to tell Steve and Michelle that it’s time get moving. They’ve got enough stuff.

Steve: “Not really getting’ any goofy feelings anymore in this room.”

Jason goes back to the living room where Bruce and Pam aren’t having any luck, either.

Bruce: “With the full team here, she’s makin’ herself scarce.”

Jason: “I understand that.”

He says they have to look at the evidence they’ve collected. Bruce hopes they got something.

Jason: “Well, yeah, we’re hopeful but you never know.”

Jason interviews: “When people contact us, they usually have these claims that are extraordinary – beds shaking, doors opening and closing, full body apparitions, and most of the time they’re intriguing enough to actually get us to come out there and investigate. We have to remember that about 80% (view of Bruce with cap on backward and furrowed brow) of cases can be debunked.”

MB: Ooh. Totally dissing everyone, with the editors’ help.

TM: It’s good to be a producer. I wish we could have seen Jason’s face when Pam told him her extraordinary claims.

MB: I wish we could have seen Pam’s face when she saw this episode. No, actually, I really don’t.

TM: Toss her on that heap of discarded paranormal investigators over there. Doesn’t TAPS have a garbage removal service? Those guys from last season are getting awfully rank.

Jason: “All right, I’m going to go help my guys pack up.”

The extension cords are a mess again. Kristyn is trying to wrap up a length.

Kristyn: “This is insanity, seriously.”

TM: She’s not smiling now.

MB: She’s irritated because she’s realized her legacy from this episode will be Kristyn Kowardy Kustard.

TM: I wish we could watch Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Now that’s scary.

MB: Maybe after we finish this.

Brian and Steve pay no attention to her.

Steve: “Definitely weird.”

Brian: “Definitely weird.”

Steve: “I don’t know if it’s just funhouse effect – you know what I mean?”

Brian: “I don’t know. I – I – it was just weird ‘cause like I got that funny feeling in the back of my head. My eyes started watering and stuff. I don’t know if it was just because it’s a creepy room.”

Steve: Upstairs a lot of the boards are uneven. There’s long hallways, big window – it really adds to that effect of – of uneasiness and dizziness and heaviness.”

Jason does the routine farewell. “Like I said, you guys have been wonderful.”

MB: I think the rest of the DeVille family is really there, but hiding from us.

TM: Damn. I liked the idea of Bruce cooking that gumbo all by himself.

Bruce: “Appreciate y’all comin’ out tonight. Really appreciate it, you know?”

Jason: “Any time. Ladies, it was a pleasure.”

Pam: “It was our pleasure.”

TM: As you often say, it’s all relative. At least this time the ghost wasn’t ramming her head into a beam.

MB: Well, let’s hope those footprints on the back of her shirt come out in the wash.

Bruce’s parting words: “I hope TAPS can help me out with this as I mean I want to get this over.”

TM: He sounds like he means it.

MB: Alas, poor Bruce. I think he does. Not going to happen.

TM: Nope.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tags: Brian Harnois, ghost hunters, ghosts, Grant Wilson, gumbo, Jason Hawes, Labadieville, Louisiana, New Orleans, Pam Gates, paranormal, plantation, South Louisiana Ghost Hunters, TAPS, The Atlantic Paranormal Society