I think I’m stuck in some sort of alternate dimension, where time passes so slowly it is almost imperceptible. This is the second half of the recarp of the the second episode of the second season of the quasi-reality show “Ghost Hunters.” Mme. Blahblatsky is off in “therapy,” watching her BtVS DVD’s and eating bonbons.
Same Disclaimer as before: Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. gets all the credit. Which they so richly deserve.
What did the narrator say before?
“Then, Jason and Grant investigate a house with multiple hauntings. When the ghost hunters get close, a TAPS member gets attacked.”
Right. This was the part he was looking forward to, so maybe it will make up for Cody and the cow bones.
CASE # 2 DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Saturday 3:20 PM
The TAPS flunkeys are sitting in chairs arranged classroom style, with Brian and Steve in the front row, and Donna, Paula and a strange woman in the back.
Grant: “Hey, have we got a case for you!” He claps his hands, either because he’s so excited, or he needs to wake them up.
Jason, in his red t.v. sweater: “Yeah, actually a nice local case right here in Rhode Island.”
That’s incredible! Our first Rhode Island ghost.
Grant tells them it’s interesting, but he has to say that to keep them from running home to clean the stove or something. A family with two daughter in their 20’s has been experiencing paranormal activity for over two decades. So there’s no rush.
The family is saying they’ve experienced “poltergeist-style activity” and they’ve heard a woman’s voice.
Grant interviews: “We took this case obviously to help the people. The people have reported all three types of human-style haunting – um – from intelligent to poltergeist to residual activities.”
The women are to do the interviews with the family. The house is small, so that Mobile Command Unit is going to be useful. Jason wants two people in the van at all times. They’re going to need more snacks in there.
Grant tells us who the new person is.
Grant: “Jill is the TAPS archivist. She – um – she loves to do investigations so she hits it from more of a feeling aspect rather than the equipment.”
I think he’s saying she’s sensitive, but TAPS has never seemed too keen on touchy-feely stuff, so it must talked around.
Jill Raczelowski TAPS Archivist: “I’m hoping to find some kind of evidence of ghostly apparitions.”
She shrugs in the middle of this sentence. She seems a little depressed. I think she’s watched the first season.
A caravan of two black SUV’s and one black van motors off. There’s some idiotically intense drummy music. They’re going to Cranston, for godssakes.
They reach another mini-Amityville house. What is it about Dutch gambrels?
Grant knocks on the door and announced that he’s here to help.
Ken DiRaimo Homeowner tries to explain his family’s taking leave of their senses.
Ken: “We figured we’d like to have our house investigated for paranormal activity. I firmly believe there is something – some entity in this house and we just wanna have a little resolution to what’s happened.”
THE INVESTIGATION
DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Saturday 4:35 PM
Hayley DiRaimo Daughter conducts the tour of the house. She has a lot to say.
Hayley shows Jason and Grant the kitchen, and tells them that a couple of times the cabinets and drawers have been found wide open. She also saw the apparition of a man in dark clothes leaning against the wall by a doorway. She demonstrates how tall he was.
The editors sneak in a flash of a man’s face with his eyeballs rolled up into his head and his teeth bared. Scary! I’d think it was Jack Nicholson in The Shining if it weren’t for the fact that I think they’d have to spend money on that.
Then, it’s on to the living room, where the family has heard a woman talking and humming.
Grant: “Wow. Like she’s in the room with you?”
Hayley agrees that it is like that. And there’s more.
Hayley: “And then the Shakespeare head right here was facing me as I came down the stairs, and then I walked in the kitchen and I came into this room and he was actually facing me in the dining room.”
Grant: “So he turned left.”
Hayley: “He turned this way.” She moves the bust on the mantel 45 degrees.
I don’t know whether I’m more impressed that these people have a large bust of Shakespeare on their mantel or that it swivels around on its own. Who owns busts these days?
Hayley: “Then there was one time one of my friends was walking in the hallway, felt someone push him and I watched the whole thing. He didn’t even touch the stairs. He just landed right on his – behind.”
Grant: “Just…” He waves his hand downward.
Hayley: “Um-hmm.”
We see the flight of stairs, from the bottom.
Jason: “That’s a long fall.”
Grant: “Not to get too personal but – I mean – is it something that he deserved?”
Hayley half-smirks: “He was a negative aspect.”
Is aspect a euphemism? I don’t know. None of this is sounding very convincing. Maybe Hayley has told these stories one too many times.
They go upstairs to look at the bedrooms.
Hayley: “My sister’s felt the bed vibrate erratically once in a while.”
Grant: “A lot of things shaking in the house, huh?”
Hayley: “Oh, yes. Especially my bedroom.”
Jason: So what kind of activity goes in this room?”
They’ve reached Hayley’s room, which has an interesting poster of either Emilio Estevez or Fox Mulder clinging to a chain link fence, wearing a Miami Vice jacket and an alien t-shirt.
Hayley: “Well, this is where I’ve seen this apparition of this – like – brownish woman with no feet. She walked right across the foot of my bed and disappeared into my vanity mirror and that’s when my bed and my vanity mirror started to shake.”
Grant: “Anything else?”
Jeez. I’d like to hear some more about the brownish woman with no feet before they change the subject. But nooooooo.
Hayley: “I have actually heard the male talk like – once in a blue moon – mostly the female. I mean she’s very vocal.”
Jason: “So that’s pretty much all the spots of the home?”
Hayley: “That’s pretty much all the spots that have activity in them, yes.”
Grant: “Awesome.”
Hayley interviews: “I know a lot of people don’t believe in this type of thing but all of us have experienced many things in this house and I really just want to capture something on film just so people don’t think that we’re crazy and just so we don’t think we are either.”
If wishes were horses…but that particular horse has left the barn and is in the next county by now.
There’s an Amityvillish shot of the house, lit as night falls.
Brian distributes cords and cameras, and seems to be in two places at once – busy in the van and the house. Isn’t anybody else helping? Where are they?
The bust of Shakespeare gets a camera all to itself.
Light-killing time.
HAYLEY’S SISTER’S BEDROOM 7:17 PM
Steve, Donna and Jill are trying for EVP’s, checking EMF’s, taking pictures, and reading temperatures. Nothing is happening.
But meanwhile, somebody is getting attacked by a malevolent force, and it’s Jason! Par-fay.
Jason interviews: “Uh – me and Grant were downstairs and we’re talking to the family and all of a sudden I – I felt like somebody was holdin’ a match to my back. I lifted up my shirt and I’ve got my whole shoulder blade is red and I’ve got some welt marks on it.”
Oh, cripes. Now we have to look at his shirtless back. Someone is pointing out a red spot among the hairs.
Jason: “I’ve dealt with cases where there’s been some kind of a contact – physical contact . Um – I can say I didn’t have it before I went in the basement and there’s nothing I leaned up against or I scraped up against. We aren’t going to tell the family what happened of course. We’re going to keep that between us, just take it as it comes and move on.”
In night-vision, Jason the professional puts his TAPS cap back on determinedly. There is a trill of significant music. Whee!
HAYLEY’S BEDROOM 11:54 PM
Wow. They’ve been stuck in this place for like four hours. Grim.
Paula questions the room: “Are you attached to Hayley in some way?”
Grant comes into the room that Brian and Paula are staking out. Brian has evidently had a lot of time to think, because he has an idea.
Brian: “This haunting might not be because of the house. It may be surrounding them, so if they’re not up here and if they’re on the first floor nothing’s gonna happen.”
Unless that was Paula’s idea.
Paula: “What if Hayley came up and sat with us?”
Grant: “Yeah, we can do that. That would actually be a very good idea.”
Grant interviews: “Paula mentioned to me that she would like to try sitting up in the room with Hayley. I thought it was a brilliant idea – bring her up there, sit her in the room and see what happens. I think anything could happen from seeing the actual apparition to the bed shaking to just Hayley sharing her feelings in the room.”
Hayley is duly summoned and returns to her room, where she gets chatty again.
Hayley: “Is there a spirit here? Are you trying to protect me? Can you give me a sign that you’re here?” She whispers, “I do feel like a cold thing on my right arm and my elbow.”
THE INVESTIGATION
DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Sunday 12:26 AM
Hayley: “I feel like a cool – like – breeze on my elbow.”
Grant interviews: “Hayley was up in her room on the bed. Her and Paula felt some cold spots. Paula checked it out with the thermometer.”
HAYLEY’S BEDROOM 5 HRS. INTO INVESTIGATION
Hayley: “Feel it? Told you.”
Brian: “It’s cold.”
Hayley: “It started when I asked it to give me a sign.”
Brian: “Look, this is pointed right at it.” He shows us the thermometer screen. “It’s 69 on the cold spot of the arm, and you got to also think of her body temperature.”
Hayley: “Like I have chills going up – my nose feels ice cold.”
Brian: “I think it’s moving.”
Hayley: “I have chill – my leg – my leg is like – tingling.”
Paula: “Lookit – 55.
Brian: “That’s weird.”
Paula: “Lookit.”
Brian: “It went down to 40.”
Hayley: “I’m actually shivering like – my body like – I can’t stop it like from shaking.”
We don’t get to see this because we have been taken back to the
TAPS MOBILE COMMAND UNIT 12:38 AM
where Jason is feeling some tingling sensations of his own.
Jason: I kinda got some mixed feeling with what’s going on in there. Uh – it seems that most of the activity only happens when Hayley’s home. It’s just appearing more and more like she’s – she’s the reason for the manifestations.”
Grant: “Good possibility. She could be doin’ it herself.”
Jason nods.
Back in Hayley’s room,
Hayley: “Are you near my right elbow? Do you mind that TAPS is here to help us?”
Paula: “How do you feel now, Hayley?”
Hayley: “My arm’s not so cold anymore. Nothing.”
Brian: “When I was using the digital thermometer I was getting down to 47, 46 degrees… Shouldn’t be possible, shouldn’t be happening.”
LIVING ROOM 2:39 AM
Paula is sitting on the sofa with Grant in night-vision. They’re going to be in trouble with Jason. Jason hates it when people loll about on sofas during investigations. Unless he’s the one doing it.
Paula: “Hypothetically, let’s say the cool breeze was the presence of the spirit.”
Grant: “Okay.”
Paula: “There’s no way to use that as evidence.”
Grant: “You got it. It’s not concrete in any way, shape or form.”
Jason is in the van with Jill, and sees Grant and Paula on camera, lolling on the sofa gabbing!
Jason: “I’m getting out of here.” He abandons Jill, alone in the van where he wanted two people at all times. Hunh. Could he be – jealous???
Back in the living room,
Paula: “If we get those EVP’s back and hear like answers to a question, I’m having a hard time getting myself not to believe that that’s really the real thing but on the other hand there’s no way you’re going to convince people – especially people who don’t know me or us that…”
Grant: “Right. That you weren’t standing in the corner whispering.”
Jason comes in and breaks up this cozy little chat. “It’s about that time.”
Paula: “Time to wrap up?”
Jason: “Yes, ma’am.” Time to wrap you up and throw you in Narragansett Bay, you little hussy. Sitting on a sofa with Grant!
He tells them they’ve got about 30 hours of video.
Grant: “Perfect.”
Paula: “Wow.”
Jason: “Start kickin’ on lights.”
Grant: “Awesome.”
The extension cords get wound up, the cameras packed, thank yous delivered.
Jason and Grant take to the executive van for the usual post-investigation gossiping.
Grant thinks it was an interesting night, but “not much we can prove to anybody. I mean you got that thing on your back. Does it still hurt?”
Jason, stoic: “Yeah, it burns like hell.”
Grant: “Too bad Andy wasn’t there ‘cause it was nice to see how – you know – how you had some serious pain goin’ on and you didn’t even let anyone know about it.”
Oh, here we go. The martyrdom of St. Jason of Warwick as recounted by Grant the Lame in the chronicles of TAPSland.
Grant: “What Andy needed to do – I don’t know if he was panicking about losing his breath or whatever but you can’t do that. You gotta – you gotta keep your cool and know what’s around you and when to say what.”
Jason: “It’s definitely something that has to be noted. You know, hopefully he’ll understand and not do it in the future.”
Grant: “Yeah, I agree.”
Next morning, in the Hawes kitchen, Jason is sitting at the table pretending to write on a piece of paper. Wife Kris happens by in order that we can hear some more about Jason’s encounter with the forces of darkness aka Hayley. Because you know Jason didn’t wake Kris up to show her first thing.
Kris: “Hey! How’d it go last night?”
Jason: “Well, we just – we got some strange little things goin’ on. I was downstairs in the basement and my back felt like it was on fire. Went upstairs and I lifted up my back and I got this wicked scratch – scratch, burn, I don’t know what it is but it’s - it’s pretty – uh – profound.”
Kris: “You still have it?”
Jason: “Yeah. Sure do.”
Kris, bless her, doesn’t inflict his whole back on us again, but just pulls his shirt down at the shoulder to reveal the red mark.
Kris: “You never had anything like that.”
I think I see an alien face in that mark. Or maybe it’s a skull. Or an alien skull?
Jason: “No, it’s the first time I’ve experienced anything like that. There’s been other scenarios where – you know – people have been pushed or slapped or shoved but I can definitely say it was due to something in that house.”
Kris: “So you have to go back there?”
Jason: “Yeah, we’re gonna have to go back and sit down with them and go over what we found in the home and so forth. I can’t – uh – let a little scratch stop us from trying to help the family.”
Awww. He’s so brave.
Kris: “Can’t get hurt, either.”
Jason: “No, I – I won’t.”
He’s still working on that paper, and he’s still at the top of the page. He has barely glanced up during the whole conversation. I think he’s working on his memoirs - “I Honestly Believe.”
THE ANALYSIS
DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Monday 8:15 AM
Whoa. Not even banker’s hours. Life in TAPS is tough.
Brian and Steve are, as usual, the chumps du jour.
Brian: All right, Steve. Let’s do this. Long hard road of evidence analyzing.”
Brian foresees such a long hard road that he counsels Steve to fast-forward in places, like that footage from the camera focused on the bust of Shakespeare.
The guys are already bored for so early in the morning. Horseplay ensues. Steve yawns, burps in Brian’s direction, then stares long and hard at him.
Steve: “You didn’t smell that?”
Brian: “Yeah, I’m just trying to ignore you.”
More dopey stuff.
A sign on the wall say “I love the smell of ectoplasm in the morning.” Also dopey.
Irritating music.
No results.
Brian: “What the hell. C’mon.”
Steve: “I’m not gonna watch the Shakespeare head for three hours.”
Brian cackles, and answers a phone ring by holding a candy bar up to his ear. He fast forwards some more. “I’m done.”
Steve: “You’re done? Completely?”
Brian: “Yeah. I fastwarded them mostly.”
Some funeral music would be appropriate here.
THE FINDINGS
DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Monday 9:45 PM
Donna’s been demoted or something. It’s just the four guys again sitting around the conference table.
Grant: “Hopefully you got a nice long list for us.”
He’s never said that before, so – again, cue the organs, and maybe some thunder.
Steve: “Yeah. Unfortunately we don’t have a very long list.”
Brian: “No.”
Jason looks at them meaningfully. Really – roll thunder.
Brian: The Shakespeare bust never moved. No pictures, but – uh – out of all four of those cameras, we got one little piece. See it there?”
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhiiiiiiiii – it’s an orb!
Jason: “Dust.”
Run, dude!
Brian: “That’s what I’m saying. There’s nothing there. We didn’t catch anything in that place.”
Brian’s amygdala needs a tune-up.
Grant: “That house – we had a cold spot, J. got something weird on his back. I don’t know – I mean – are we – are we really watching the evidence? All of it? Hard? Are we listening to it all close? Paying a hundred per cent attention?”
Well, no, Grant. “We” are not, are “we?” “We” never watch the evidence at all. That’s peasant work.
Brian and Steve have turned into bobble-head dolls.
Jason: “What I’m trying’ to figure out is how do you get 30-something hours of footage that we covered in less than 10 hours. You know on a 4-screen you’re not actually able to watch 4 screens at the same time and see every single thing.”
Steve is puffing out his cheeks, but while this may work for frogs, for human beings, this is a futile defense.
Jason: “C’mon – tell me that if you were lookin’ at the 4-screen, you would have picked up the chair move. Tell me if you were lookin’ at the 4-screen you would have see that thing that we caught at Eastern State.”
Grant: “I’m not saying that there has to be something there, but I’m thinking that maybe we’re not hitting it hard enough so I’d like to hit it again. I’d hate to have some nice piece of evidence cast away in the archive because we were distracted by a phone call or something or – or whatever.”
Steve: “I agree, and we’ll do it if that’s what you need.”
Jason, still basilisk-like, if basilisks wore red sweaters: “All right, well, let’s do that and see where we end up.”
Jason interviews: “I think a lot of – uh – the evidence that we’re getting from this places is – uh – being rushed through so hopefully we can get back to square one and get everybody on the same page with us. Really start evaluating the evidence like it need to be. Like it used to be.”
In the good old days of – uh – last fall, when these damn peasants appreciated the privilege of being able to dig potatoes for us.
THE DAY JOB
Tuesday 1:30 PM
Holiday Inn lets Jason and Grant play plumbers on a sink while they badmouth their help.
Grant: “So what do you think? Do you think it’s a little too much to ask to have these guys watch that evidence again?”
Jason: “I don’t – I honestly don’t think that we really need to have Steve go over it again. I – I think it’s mainly Brian who’s not investing the time anymore.”
Grant: “No, I agree with you. I think Steve…”
Jason: “They’re not bringin’ us anything. They’re not bringin’ us dust, lights, reflections…”
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’m beginning to understand why Jason knows so much about demons.
Grant: “Not even a potential evidence but – uh…”
Jason: “I really think that we need to go over Brian’s footage. Um – not that I’m lookin’ forward to going over footage again. That’s ridiculous but…”
Grant: “Well, why don’t you and I take – uh – what Brian has supposedly reviewed and break it up and check it out.”
Jason: “All right, so I guess we’re – uh – gonna go back over some footage. That’s lovely. Wonderful.”
Fer crissakes, why don’t you just execute Brian and get it over with? Digging a pit in the jungle and filling it with sharp pointy sticks seems unconstitutionally cruel.
I think Jason should have to look at the ten hours of the Shakespeare bust not moving. But that was Steve’s and Steve would never – oh, wait! He did!
Hunh.
RE-ANALYSIS
TAPS HEADQUARTERS
Tuesday 4:15 PM
Grant and Jason sit in an office facing each other across computer monitors. They should have a partners’ desk.
Grant: All right, want to hit those EVP’s?”
Jason: “Not really, but okay.”
Brian and Steve are in another room, re-examining evidence they’ve already examined, however cursorily.
I’m trying to imagine watching a film of an empty kitchen for nine hours, without even an unmoving bust of Shakespeare on-screen to divert my attention. Now I’m trying to imagine doing it twice. I think the military could use this to replace waterboarding.
Brian interviews: “If we miss something it’s not that we’re not paying attention. I just think it makes us look like we’re not paying attention. It makes us look like we’re slacking.”
Um, okay.
Meanwhile, Grant, darn the weasel, has found something he wants Jason to hear.
Jason: “What am I listenin’ for?”
Grant: “You’ll hear it.”
Brian and Steve enter the room, looking apologetic.
Grant: “How’d it go?”
Steve: “It – uh – same as before. We didn’t get anything.”
Grant: “J. and I were both analyzing the other stuff and I think we got a couple things.”
Steve: “Oh, really?”
Grant: “Yeah.”
Basilisk Jason remains silent, but oozes venom. I think Grant must have done all the finding.
THE REVEAL
DIRAIMO’S HOUSE
Wednesday 3:00 PM
On the way to Cranston, Jason is still brooding about whether it’s Satan’s handmaiden Hayley who is to blame for everything.
Jason: “I wanna talk with Hayley and see if – you know – I’m just wonderin’ if a lot of it revolves around her or not.”
Grant: “”Bring that up to them as one of the possibilities and help them understand the different types of hauntings.”
Jason: “I just still can’t understand what that was on my back.”
Ken DiRaimo and his daughter take the meeting with Jason and Grant at the kitchen table. The other daughter and the wife are evidently too sensible to get involved in this little circus.
Grant: “As you know in your home you’ve got quite a lot of action that’s been reported.”
Jason: “These different things that you’ve told us represent different styles of hauntings. Um – seeing the same apparition walk the same path – that represents the residual-type haunting – kinda like a tape player rewinding and playing itself.”
Grant: “With intelligent haunting that’s where you will get interacting with the living person – maybe someone grabbing you or pushing you at a very inconvenient time.”
Jason: “And you also had the poltergeist-style haunt that you claim with the cabinets and the chairs all being moved back and forth.”
Grant: “It’s not just things moving on their own – there’s always something that’s gotta move it. Typically it’s not an entity.”
Jason: “Strangely enough, it’s usually a female in the house that’s manifesting those things themselves.”
What moving chairs???
Although it’s not perfectly clear from this disjointed discussion, it would seem TAPS espouses the quaint 20th–century view that poltergeists are people like Carrie.
Grant: “Now a lot of it centers around you, Hayley. You know it’s all subconscious. You’ve got no control over it so don’t feel guilty for any of it.”
Jason: “The other day when we were – when we were downstairs in the basement me and Grant were talking with you, I started questioning you and at that point it felt like somebody was holding a lighter or a match to my back.”
The sound guy provides a drum roll.
Grant: “We’ve got a picture – J. doesn’t want us to see his back but this is – uh – this is a picture from the next day of what showed up on his back.”
Ewww – close-up.
Grant: “The broken blood vessels which denote – you know – scratching or smacking but he never felt that.”
Okay, seen it enough now. Too many hairs.
Ken: “Wow.”
Hayley: “That’s very odd.”
Jason: “The thing is I didn’t lean up against anything when we were downstairs. I was standing right between you guys and we were talking. But that happened to correspond with the exact time that I started questioning whether you were in the house or not. First time it’s ever happened.”
We’ve seen it, editors. Got it – something scratched him. Although I personally think a sudden allergy to red wool sweaters should be investigated.
Grant: “Yeah, I mean – J. and I have been investigating for many many many years and we’ve never seen anything like that.”
Ken: “It’s an oddity.”
Jason: “But we did catch a few things we’d like you guys to hear and get your opinions on.”
All the huffing about overlooked evidence has resulted in two feeble EVP’s. The first one is static. Ken gets a chill hearing static. I guess you had to be there.
The second EVP is static with maybe a mumble. Ken hears a man’s voice. Hayley thinks the static sounds more irritated in this one. I don’t know. I’m not hearing anything.
Ken: “Sounds like help them – help them go? ‘Have them go.” That’s what it sounds like. ‘Have them go.’ Maybe.”
Grant: “If he’s saying something about ‘them go’ we sure had a lot of people here focusin’ on you.”
Jason: “Yeah, he could – they could take it in a threatening manner that we’re here.”
Grant: “Exactly.”
Jason: “And look what happens to my back.”
Grant: “Uh – do the math. It all seems to add up.”
Ken: “That’s really – that’s really spooky.”
Jason: “We can’t sit here and tell ya that this evidence is going to hold up in front of skeptics and stuff like that but at least it’s a little evidence for – you know – for your own…”
Grant: “Peace of mind.”
Jason and Grant depart, having just managed to blame Hayley and unidentified entities for Jason’s back attack.
Hayley’s last words: “Regarding all the evidence that they found, it was very interesting – um – and very helpful in that aspect so now we really know we’re not crazy and this stuff actually does happen.”
Yeah, well – still crazy though. They just implied you were a – oh, forget it. Ignorance is bliss.
Grant thinks it was a “good reveal”, although the EVP’s hit them harder than he expected, given that they were mostly – you know – static.
And Hayley didn’t levitate the kitchen knives into you, so – awesome!
The Ouija Board for this episode will be posted when Mme. B. can be pried away from the Apocalypse. Actually that sounds kind of refreshing right now.
Tags: ghosts, TAPS, Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, ghost hunters, Rhode Island, Cranston, Hayley DiRaimo, poltergeists, back scratching, EVP's, cold spots
