To Be Orb Not To Be

This is a recap and partial transcript of the sixth episode of the first season of the “reality” show Ghost Hunters, in which two plumbers from Rhode Island and their faithful if screwball team set out to catch some ghosts. There’s a lot of bickering, and a little weirdness. Except this episode is all bickering and no weirdness.

The Talking Mongoose is in such a bad mood it refuses to talk, much less watch the “Church Residence” episode again. Hence there will be no Ouija Board evaluation at the end. I, Mme. Blahblatsky, found a few things of interest, but I am easily amused. Caveat emptor.

Disclaimer: All the quoted conversation belongs to Pilgrim Films and Television, Inc. I’d just as soon they keep it.

 

This week the Narrator has to cobble together something from nothing, but the Narrator is resourceful: “This episode of Ghost Hunters, the TAPS team visits a converted church to help a couple who have witnessed a ghost. Brian and Andy spar, doors open by themselves, and the TAPS cameras capture strange phenomenon, creating a feud over the evidence.”

The CREDITS now include Andy Andrews as an investigator.

THE PITCH

Church Residence

Thursday 9:55 PM

Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Brian Harnois, and Steve Gonsalves are at TAPS headquarters, the miniature construction trailer in Jason’s front yard, Warwick Rhode Island. They’ve had an exciting few weeks lately, what with the moving chair at Race Rock Lighthouse, and the spooks at Eastern State Penitentiary in Philadelphia. Not that we’re going in order here, because I still have extreme suspicions about that push-pin map of the United States in the trailer. What could the editors and producers have in store for us now?

Jason: “So what do we got goin’ on this weekend?”

Brian: “All right. Ah, don’t hit me. It’s in upstate New York. He (pointing to Steve) set up the case for us. He actually took the phone call.”

Steve: “It’s – um – a church that’s been converted to a house. Actually, friends of mine had been telling me ever since they’ve been there about these things that have been going on, but I’ve never gone up there. They moved to this house, and right away stuff started happening. Um – there’s a chandelier that spins and moves around. She’s kinda creeped out about that. Um – what freaked him out was that he actually saw a – uh – a full body apparition. It’s an older man, he says, in a grey suit, and now he’s kinda freaked out. It still has a bell tower and everything – you can ring the bell, and…”

Grant appears to have been suddenly possessed, rasping out hideously: “She gave me water. She gave me water.”

There is much laughter.

Brian: “It’s awesome.”

Steve: “It’ll be fun.”

Grant: “Okay.”

And so they are going to ghost-hunt at Steve’s friends’ house with no discussion whatsoever. In upstate New York. I still don’t understand why they have to keep making these long road trips. But perhaps they have wiped out all the ghosts within a hundred mile radius of Warwick. I don’t know.

THE BRIEFING

Church Residence

Friday 1:00 PM

Assembled at the TAPS trailer – Jason, Grant, Brian, Steve, Donna, Carl of the demonology twin set, and Andy Andrews again.

Jason: “All right. Well, we’re off to New York. Uh, New York State, and – uh – what used to be an old church.”

Grant: “Yep, they moved in and – uh – you know – they’re not comfortable there. I guess a lot of stuff has been going on, right, Steve?”

Steve: “Uh, yeah. I’ve been up there and in the past week they’ve had these – these bangs that happen like 4 o’clock in the morning, and the whole house shakes and wakes them out of bed.”

Jason: “What we’re gonna do is – Brian, Andy, Steve – you guys are in charge of the equipment, setting it up, maintaining it, uh – you know. Donna, Carl, you guys can do the interviews. Me and Grant will do whatever we do.”

Grant: “Sleep.”

There is tittering. “Me and Grant” keep a lot of things private on this reality show. I guess it’s one of the perk of being a producer.

With a surprising amount of grunting and groaning, the gang piles into the vans. This hectic lifestyle may be getting to them.

Jason: “We’ve got a long ass ride ahead of us, man.

Grant: “You know what’s funny is Brian keeps shafting us with crazy weekends and you know we chew him out but he keeps shafting us with…”

Jason: “I definitely – l think that us chewing him out hasn’t become productive yet, you know?”

Grant: “No.”

Jason: “Who’s getting the short end of that stick?”

You’d think from this that Brian Harnhois was actually calling the shots here, poor sacrificial lamb.

Grant: “I can’t wait to see this house. I love it when people do that. They take like barns or old firehouses and they turn them into houses? I want to ring the bell.”

Jason, strangled voice: “She gave me water.”

Grant: “The bells! This one is Rosita.”

They think their re-enactment of the Hunchback of Notre Dame is hilarious. I don’t know why. I think my sense of humor must be out of kilter. I never laugh in the right places watching these episodes.

Highways, trees, highways, trees. Arrival. Trees. Anywhere, U.S.A., but supposedly, we’re in New York. Anywhere, upstate New York.

Grant: “Check this place out!”

We’re in front of a charming little grey wood church, trimmed in white, with a central bell tower. The date 1867 is over the front door, and there are pink flowers flanking the entry. The church is not much bigger than a one-room schoolhouse.

There is general approbation of the TAPSspeak variety – “This place is nuts!”

Jason: “This is wild, Steve. You get an eery feeling just walking up to the door.” To explain that, we are shown a gargoyle, because otherwise the place looks like Laura Ingalls Wilder and her family might attend Sunday service there regularly.

Steve’s friends Justin and Melissa greet the guys.

Justin: “Welcome to our home.”

Jason: “Gosh, this place is incredible.”

Grant: “Niiiice.” He is laughing nervously because he has just seen some of the contents of the interior. Jason, Grant and Steve get a tour while everyone else stands around in the front yard. This seems inefficient, but it is TAPS standard operating procedure. Perhaps they all need to smoke furiously to calm down after being cooped up in the vans with each other for hours.

Justin and Melissa seem to be sort of Goth, in a very mild way. They also seem pretty late to the party because they’re in their mid-20’s. Isn’t Goth dead yet? Justin wears a black t-shirt with “Distraught” in elaborate blackletter font on it, and he has decorated his face with odd bits of beard and multiple piercings. Melissa has black-and-white striped hair. Other than that, they look pretty average.

Justin says they definitely need TAPS’ help. One might think that they’ve conjured up some demon that got out of hand or something, after getting a look at the interior decoration. Inside the house there is a large quantity of odd bric-a-brac. Heads and skulls are a favorite motif. A fake skeleton hangs from the highest part of the ceiling, in the former church nave. A creepy figure sits on the mantel. But it is all carefully arranged and extremely tidy. Devil-worshippers, they’re not.

There’s a quick shot of a praying angel child, so really, they’re not.

Justin doesn’t know what “religion” the church was. He thinks “Unitarian.” The place last functioned as a church in 1982. It was abandoned for a while, then someone else renovated it, and Justin and Melissa are the second homeowners since. We aren’t told if they were warned the place was haunted, or if this is something they found out all on their own. Ghost Hunters is not fond of back story. They have more important things to cover, like whether Brian has remembered to bring Jason’s chair or not.

Justin isn’t really clear on what they’ve experienced. He doesn’t seem to have put a lot of thought into it. Perhaps they thought we were coming tomorrow, not today.

Justin: “A lot of the noise has been centered over in this corner over here.”

Grant: “Based on hearing it, what would you say it was hitting? I mean was it the floor, the pillar…”

Justin: “It sounds like the house, like it’s in the house. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

Melissa: “It sounds like metal knocking.”

Grant: “So like metal on metal?”

Melissa: “Almost like a door knocker.”

Justin: “That zombie right there (on mantel) – that was down here. I was vacuuming, like right in this area. I just happened to turn and look up, and it didn’t just flip off. It actually went up and flipped through the air and fell over onto the counter.”

The zombie is a horrid half-torso figure with wild eyes and protruding teeth, and little stick arms. It looks like someone’s art class papier mache project.

Grant: “Jeez, if anything’s going to fly at you, it has to be that, right?”

The vacuuming business – again, I don’t really think these kids are serious Goths. Since when do Goths vacuum?

There’s another skull, this one with glass eyes.

A tabby youngster looks at us suspiciously. There’s another yellow cat lolling about as well.

Justin: “The cats have definitely seen things, and the cats will stand over there and look up into the corner, and make these little miaows, and flick their tails and just stare up there, as well. My dogs do it, too.”

The tabby kitten decides to run away on its white socks.

Justin shows the guys a pair of doors that he thinks have a mind of their own. There is a confused account of how one opens seemingly by itself. The doors are in the entry foyer and there’s talk of a vacuum effect when outer doors are opened and closed. But Justin claims to have actually heard the click of the door latch disengaging.

We’re getting to see more of Justin and Melissa’s interior décor. There’s a charming bloody leg stump, and a big Frankenstein poster. There’s also a poster for the movie The Undertaker, a skull-and-crossbones banner, and various ghouls and zombies hanging on the walls and sitting on shelves. It is still not as alarming as Brenda’s doll collection in Altoona. It is too damn neat. And it is also kind of boring, sans that spirit the collection of a Day-of-the-Dead aficionado might have.

Justin leads the way up to the bell tower, which is reached by a steep ship’s ladder, “if you’re not afraid of heights,” but –

Steve: “I am.”

Grant: “But he’s also a troopah!”

Elsewhere, Steve interviews: “I don’t like heights at all. I’ve never like heights.”

Steve on the ladder: “How is it coming down? Is it all right coming down?”

Melissa: “It’s scary.”

Steve, alarmed: “It is?”

Steve interviews: “When it comes to helping people and any investigation, I’m willing to face my fears. It’s pretty scary but I’m going to do it anyway.”

We should remember here that Steve is a police officer!

Up in the tower, Steve pokes his head out of the stairwell. “You know what? I think – I’ll…” He’s peering at the view from the tower floor. Grant, behind him on the ladder, gets impatient.

Grant: C’mon, Steve! It’s a one-way trip, man. You can do it.”

Jason and Justin are laughing.

Grant: “There’s no backing down. I’m already started, man. Friggin’ pantywaist – go!”

Jason: “Take my hand. Don’t you knock me down.”

Grant: “Just hug a post, Steve.”

Steve: “Will they hold me?”

Grant: “But think about it. You’re up here, man. You did it!”

Justin: “You did it. You did it, man! One hurdle.”

Jason slaps Steve on the back. “Don’t worry about the bugs that are on your back.” He brushes him off.

Let’s see – Steve’s phobia count now includes mannequins, bugs, and heights.

Justin: “Here’s the original bell.”

Grant pushes at it and makes it ring. “Woooo! She gave me water.” He’s doing his Quasimodo impression again, of which I have had more than enough. There is nothing remotely reminiscent of medieval Paris here. Mme B. has rung bigger bells than this and not been taken over by the ghost of Charles Laughton, if that’s who Grant is channeling. Perhaps it is Anthony Quinn. Whoever it is, I don’t want to hear it again.

Grant calms down as the bell vibrations cease. “The neighbors must love you.”

Justin: “Oh, yeah. They love it. Every night around 11 o’clock I do it.”

Steve eases himself back down the ship’s ladder.

We return to the group standing sheep-like in the front yard. They have put out their cigs before we get there.

Grant: “You guys are going to be blown away.”

Jason: “Guys, this house is going to be kind of tough. It’s a big wide-open area.”

Grant: “It’s kinda like – it’s one big room pretty much.

Like, maybe – a church?

Jason: “All right, well, let’s make it happen.”

THE INVESTIGATION

Church Residence

Friday 7:22 PM

Jason shows Andy and Steve where he wants them to set up the equipment.

Jason: “Don’t listen to Grant. Listen to me where the cameras are going.”

Brian: “Oh, dude! I already know that.”

Jason wants a wireless camera here, there, wherever. He wants the whole living room covered, the kitchen area, and the bedrooms. “Get it set up where we’re not leaving any space unturned is what I want to see.”

Besides mangling metaphors, Jason is getting all pissy in advance of problems – I think he is pms-ing. He’s lecturing Grant about how he doesn’t want anyone in view of the cameras – the house is to be empty. Grant protests mildly. He wants to include a human element in the investigation. Jason says sure, fine, as long as no one walks in front of his cameras. “We’re not here to lounge on a couch in the living room.”

Jason is perpetually irritated, which is irritating.

Grant suggests EMF sweeps are needed. Jason dismisses this, because he thinks there’s too much Romex cable in the house, and the EMF readings will be screwed up. Jason walks off huffily. Grant flaps his arms in disgust. Patient Grant must be abnormally ticked if he is flapping his arms. What aren’t we seeing here?

Grant: “When J. and I stated talking he made it like set up the equipment and then leave the place empty, and I always think it’s good to have at least someone – you know – doing some kind of run-through inside to have a human experience in there.”

This seems reasonable. It’s kind of like the tree falling in the forest when no one is there. Are there ghosts in empty buildings?

We get another skull flash to remind us we may be in a scary haunted house.

THE INVESTIGATION

Church Residence

Friday 8:05 PM

Brian: “All right, guys. Listen up.”

But Andy has his own ideas.

Andy: “Well, what I was thinking was like a criss-cross with the cameras…”

Brian: “We only have 4 DVR cameras.”

Andy: “Right – what I’m saying, we still can cover those angles.”

Brian: “But you see, that’s the whole thing. I don’t want two of them up there because when you – when you – going out you’ve got to think the DVR camera is not going to shine down, it’s going to shine out.” I’m clueless here. What did he just say?

Andy: “Well, no – I’m just thinking because I thought from the standpoint of…”

Brian: “We can put one up there.”

Andy: “They don’t pivot down enough? Is that what you’re saying?” Andy can apparently speak Brianese. He will interpret.

Brian: No, they don’t.

Andy: Because they’re on a hard stand.”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Andy: “That makes sense.”

Brian, unloading the van with Steve, directs Andy to go to the basement to set up equipment. “A few more minutes and I was going to knock him.”

Steve: “Is it just that he’s too…?” Steve makes the hand motion for excessive gabbing.

Brian: “Yeah.” He tells the camera confidentially, “I like Andy. And I’m not going to say anything bad about him. You know he’s – he’s a little hyper and stuff but he’s not a bad person. I like investigating stuff with him. It’s probably my only problem with him is him.” Yes, that’s it in a nutshell. Brian’s only problem with Andy is – heh – Andy. That’s not a Freudian slip. That’s a Freudian head-on collision.

There’s another flash of a skull. It’s gotten silly.

Jason directs Brian to do an EMF walk-through after the equipment is set up. He doesn’t want people walking in front of the cameras. We know! Except, he returns to a slightly different theme. “I don’t want to see people hanging in the living room sitting there and having to worry about that.”

Why is he so sure his crew is going to be vegging out on the furniture in full view of the cameras? Does that, perhaps, mean that this is their normal behavior? One we haven’t seen in bigger buildings? This would explain what’s going on all those hours we don’t see them. As I suspected, they are playing poker, lolling about in easy chairs eating Cheetos, and gossiping about rival ghost hunters. AHA!

Brian: “They won’t. I’ll make sure of that.”

Jason has more pointless dispute with Grant about nothing.

Andy has found a perfect spot for one of the remote wireless cameras – next to the horrid zombie up on the fireplace mantel. He asks Brian’s permission to set it up. Brian waves him off to do it, and then Brian repeats Steve’s previous hand motion for jabbering as he looks at our camera. “Andy’s driving me crazy, ‘cause if I don’t get this set up in the time I usually get it set up, the Big Boss is going to come down looking at me.”

Andy calls out to check on the camera position at the mantel, and Brian orders him to clean it. Andy wipes lens. Brian thinks that he should have just blown on it. Andy asks for permission to get down from the mantel if everything is set now. Brian agrees, and continues to carp to us about him. “Yep. Yip yip yip yip yip. I know that’s mean, but it’s funny.”

My sympathy for Brian is on the wane. Actually, it’s funny because Brian himself is the original yipper. Brian is like the picked-on kid in the playground who finds someone smaller to pick on. And since Andy’s the one who makes Brian look almost catatonic, it’s kind of fitting. Except it won’t work, for precisely that reason. Brian cannot out-talk Andy.

We see Brian asking Andy to do this, ordering him to do that, don’t do this, make sure about that.

Andy is laboring away, taping down a camera industriously. “We should be getting’ ready to go dark soon, which would be good ‘cause that will get Brian off my back. It seems like he’s – uh – a little pushy tonight. Everyone has their bad days, I guess. He’s really kinda barking orders at me tonight and he’s really starting to get on my nerves. Uh – you know, this is the TAPS “family” (he uses quick air quotes) – we’re a team, we’re supposed to work together, not dictate, and it seems like Brian’s definitely in the mood to do that tonight.”

This is the first clear mention of the concept of the TAPS “family” we’ve heard. Maybe this is one of those personal things Jason and Grant don’t choose to share. Is TAPS a cult?

Jason somehow gets wind of the Brian/Andy kerfuffle, and interrogates Andy. “What’s going on between you and Bri?”

Andy: “I don’t know. He’s really barkin’ orders tonight.”

Both guys rub their faces. What does this mean in chimpanzee, I wonder?

Jason: “Like what?”

Andy: “Go do this. Go do that. You know, not even ‘Hey, I’d like to do this next. Do you think you can give me a hand doing that?’ He’s in a bossy mood tonight. I don’t know.”

Jason: “Well, we both – we all know that he’s in charge of the hardware. Simple as that. Not a question about it.”

Andy: “Right. No question about that.”

Jason: I really think maybe you should go have a talk with Brian. Explain your concerns to him, let him voice his. Let’s get it resolved, you know? Your guys’ little conflict isn’t gonna be fixed until you guys talk.”

Andy: “Understood.”

We see another shot of the skeleton hanging by its neck from the ceiling, which is exactly how we feel right now.

It’s time to kill the lights. Lights are killed in the basement. Lights must be killed upstairs. Apparently it is not enough to turn them off. You’d think there was a giant breaker board somewhere, but it’s just wall switches.

Jason is now on Brian about the Family Crisis. “You and him need to sit down and talk. Let’s get this resolved.” Andy can be seen busily working in the living room, not sitting around sulking, so the investigation does not seem to be threatened by an imminent worker uprising. Jason doesn’t have enough to do, I think.

Jason: “I told him that you’re in charge of equipment. There’s not a question about that.”

Brian is unconvinced. “Eh.”

Jason: “Gotta get by this b.s.”

Now they’re “going hot” per Brian as they “kill” the lights. Jason blows out a bunch of candles.

Jason: “Andy, document the cameras went on line 21:30.”

It’s all very exciting. Not. Even more not than usual. I’m suspecting the editors had a straw shortage this time, never mind Rumpelstiltskin not showing up.

Grant: “Brian, we’re just going to stick all the cats in the bathroom, all right? So if you happen to come in here, don’t open that. Spread the word.” Poor cats.

In the darkened living room, Andy is telling Donna about the EMF sweep they’re to do, and is warning her that all the appliances may interfere Outside, Jason is yammering at Brian, now equipped with an important-looking headset earphone/microphone. I hope that’s for communicating with the spirits, but I’m afraid it’s just a direct line to some production assistant.

Jason: “Go inside and have a talk with him.”

Brian: “All right. I already tried that earlier and now he’s in there with Donna.”

Jason: “Pull him away from Donna and have your talk.”

Brian: “Okay.”

Jason: “I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore. I want it taken care of. Take care of it now.”

Vic Mackey would just go shoot the son-of-a-bitch himself, but Jason is not Vic Mackey. What is his problem?

Brian: “All right. You want me to go in there and interrupt him? Cool.” Poor Brian. His pleasures are few.

Inside, Andy is expounding, as is his wont.

Andy: “To manifest themselves, what they do is they suck energy – they steal energy from items.”

Donna: “So wouldn’t they be warmer than…”

Andy interrupts Donna: “No, because a lot of the times…”

Brian interrupts Andy: “I need to talk for a second.”

Elsewhere.

Brian: “I know I sound a little bit bossy and I just expressed that, but it’s my job.” Andy stares at him bug-eyed, but lets him proceed. “I’ve gotta make sure everything runs smoothly cause I don’t want his ass on me.”

Andy: “All right. I understand that, but you’re the boss of the equipment.”

Brian: “I understand that.”

Andy: “I’m an investigator with this team, okay? You know, that’s what I’m here for.”

Brian: “It’s just that, you’re part of the tech crew, all right?

Andy: “Absolutely.”

Brian: “I run the tech crew.” Eek – big mistake, Bri.

Andy is off: “Yeah, I – I understand that but also keep in mind that as head of the tech crew, barking orders – I mean honestly I feel like you say ‘hey you’ snap your fingers and go do that.”

Brian: “Well, okay, that’s – that’s usually not me. I understand that. I apologize.”

Andy: “All right, you know, no – that’s cool. That’s cool.”

Brian: “It’s just that I was concentrating on stuff so much…”

Andy goes in for the kill: “You know, and I totally understand that. You know what – we had a long drive here today, and you just wanted to make sure that things up and working and correct, so that we could just get investigating.”

Brian, looking a little stunned, having lost control of the higher ground: “Yeah.”

Andy: “All right?”

Brian: “Exactly.”

Andy: “Awesome.”

Brian: “Cool.”

Andy: “I’m good.”

Brian: “I’m good.”

Andy: “Good.”

Brian: “I’m good.”

Andy: “All right.”

Brian: “All right.”

Brian does the most feeble fist bump ever with his nattering nemesis.

DOWNSTAIRS LIVING AREA 9:50 PM

Steve is taking still photos and Brian is doing EMF and thermometer readings. Something shows up on the electromagnetic field reader.

THE CHURCH RESIDENCE 10:00PM

I think the title people are bored by this episode, and are throwing titles in for no reason. Absolutely nothing happened during that ten minutes.

Brian gets a false 17.1 EMF reading from some sort of water device/container.

Steve salaams to it: “Hail, Satan.”

Then, Brian and Steve investigate the bell tower.

Brian: Noises can excite and stir up paranormal activity. That’s why me and Steve are gonna go up to ring the bell in the bell tower. Hopefully our cameras will catch something.”

This is the first I’ve heard that you can catch ghosts with noise. Driving them away with noise – yes. Everybody all over the world has done that for centuries. I don’t know where Brian got this theory.

Steve has other things on his mind.

Steve: “This is my second time up here and it’s not any easier.”

They ring the bell. Steve puts his fingers in his ears. Andy calls up from below. He says the bell ringing is stirring up orbs on camera downstairs. The activity has doubled on-screen. “It’s not like dust that’s all flying in one direction. They’re all individuals that are criss-crossing.”

Hunh? Mme Blahblatsky is a dust expert, with decades of experience, and in her experience, dust flies in all directions, criss-crossing, all the time. It’s one of the things that makes watching dust in a sunbeam so – uh – fascinating. Moving along…

Andy closes the hatch to cut off drafts that might influence the dust/non-dust. They ring the bell again. Andy reports the same orb activity is happening.

Brian, all excited, reports to Jason and Grant outside where they are standing doing nothing. Perhaps they have been eating Cheetos and hid the bag when they saw Brian coming. Andy also arrives.

Andy: “We’re talking like three times as much activity. It doesn’t look like a dust particle but it doesn’t rule out bugs or anything like that.”

Jason: Well, all the wood’s tied in, too. The whole thing’s held up by the beams. You know, anything that sets on those beams, when you start rocking that it’s going to give enough vibrations stuff’s going to push off the wood.”

Andy chatters on. We will have to wait and see, but I’m betting Andy’s orbs are dust, and any sensible ghosts fled at the sound of that bell.

Grant: “Close that house up!”

Jason: “So what we’re going to do now is lock down the house, get everybody out, you know, shut off all the lights. I don’t want any dust getting kicked up. I want clean evidence.”

HOUSE LOCKED DOWN 10:30 TO 11:30 PM

Everybody hangs around outside. The big “lock down” consists of sending Andy to make sure the front door is securely closed.

Justin’s last name is revealed, and young Mr. Talarski tells stories of his and Melissa’s experiences in the house. On the first night they were there, they were in bed and heard a crashing and banging.

Melissa Klebes tells Donna “We thought someone was actually in the house. He came outside, looked all around. There was nobody around.” Donna raises her eyebrows.

The music guy keeps ringing bells in the background. Thank god Quasimodo Wilson can’t hear them.

Justin is talking to demonologist Carl: “I was just talking on the phone, you know, normally. Off in my peripheral vision I saw an old man standing there. He was wearing a grey tweed suit (flash of office manager mannequin from railroad museum). He wasn’t moving. It was almost like a photograph. A still photograph (another flash of mannequin), and as I turned my head it was gone. It wasn’t like it flickered away. It just – it was like it was never there.”

The editors are so cheating here, throwing in flashes of that office manager mannequin from the Altoona railroad museum.

Brian reports to Jason that the Family Crisis is over: “It’s all set. I told him – I said look, I’m the head of the tech crew. I need you to do something. I had a lot on my mind. I was bossy. I apologized.”

Jason: “You came to an agreement where it’s not going to be an issue in the next case?”

Brian: “No. It’s not going to be an issue at all. You don’t have to worry about it.”

Jason: “All right.”

They fist bump. Ninnies.

The Church Residence 12:00 AM

Grant wants everyone back in the house to finish up EVP’s, the EMF sweep, etc. We’ve lost a half hour. Those title people – now they’re off eating snackfoods and gossiping somewhere.

Donna is taking “thermo-sensor readings” in upstairs bedroom #1, i.e. she is using a thermometer to see what temperature it is. There’s a cold spot, but it seems to be under a skylight. Donna, though, feels very creeped out, like she’s being watched and she’s not supposed to be there. Donna frequently gets the heebie-jeebies out on cases. I like Donna, but I wish she would represent the gender with fewer vapors.

Andy jabbers about the skylight and differential temperatures and won’t shut up. The dramatic organ chords of the music guy aren’t helping. It’s all tedious tedious tedious.

Justin is telling Carl about how many people said to him “Oh, you live in that haunted church.” Carl listens sympathetically. Carl seems like a nice guy.

Carl: “Let me ask you, Justin. Do you have a specific aim for inviting TAPS into your home?” Other than sheer self-aggrandizing publicity-seeking? That’s my question, not Carl’s.

Justin: “Basically what we’re looking to get out of this experience is – uh – to know what – what’s going on, if we really do have a haunting and what’s its purpose, if anything.

Carl nods, and kindly says nothing.

UPSTAIRS BEDROOM #1 12:30 AM

Steve and Brian are investigating the room where banging has been heard. Brian gets an EMF reading over the bed. Steve tells him to step on the bed to get closer to the spot. Brian won’t. Stepping on the bed is rude. They’re not his friends. From downstairs, Andy asks if they’re ready to turn the lights on. Steve snaps “No!” Brian gets a 5.1 EMF spike in mid-air.

Brian: “Is there anybody in here tonight? Anybody that’d like to speak to us?”

Steve: “How about you give us a sign? What’s your name? Is that you running up the stairs?”

Brian: “It’s gone. It’s gone.”

It’s Andy running up the stairs, come to tell them Jason has said to wrap it up. He uses twice as many words as he needs to while Brian tries vainly to shut him down before he’s ready to stop.

Flash of snarling wolf gargoyle head.

THE CHURCH RESIDENCE 1:20 AM

Jason announces that they are going to test the door that supposedly opens by itself. This is one side of the inner set of double entry doors.

Justin and Melissa try to reproduce the door opening by standing in front of it pretending to be unable to open it. They try to imagine their arms are full of phantom packages. This does not work. Justin says again he had thought perhaps a vacuum created by closing the outer doors was the cause, but they hear an audible click of the latch opening when it happens.

Nobody can make the door open. When the door is firmly closed, it stays closed. The door is not doing a command performance for TAPS tonight.

Jason is dismissive: “They’re not closing that door all the way. They’re – they’re not. You know. And the humidity factor was the humidity is lighter, less swelling in that, that door’s going to be that thousandths of an inch smaller which is going to allow it to move the minute you step on planks.” What he’s saying, badly, is that in dryer weather, the door incompletely closed will open if you’re jarring it with movement nearby. Grant agrees with him, and says there could be a hundred explanations for it.

Jason: “We can’t base an investigation on something we weren’t there to witness.”

Grant: “Yeah, exactly. No discredit to them.”

They’ve had enough of the damn church, in other words. They’re not about to hang around waiting for ghosts who won’t perform to order. I’ll bet Steve gets an earful tomorrow about his silly friends. It’s time to pack up. Not going to stay up until 4 in the morning for a bunch of dust orbs.

Jason consults Carl: “So what do you think? You getting any feelings?”

Carl: “Not so much impressions of the house, but –uh – after looking around, of course, and talking to Justin, I’m wondering if they so much wanted this house to be haunted that maybe they’re seeing something they want to see. I mean, it’s a possibility.”

Jason: “All the – collections and everything – that – that just – that breeds negativity.” Something Jason knows something about.

Carl: “Well, we know when someone has a preoccupation with the macabre, the fantastical – that that can produce phenomenon.”

In other words, don’t be putting zombies up on your mantel if you’re not looking for trouble.

Meanwhile, Andy has figured the door out. No flies on Andy. He demonstrates, with the door closed in an average shut position, enough that it looks firmly closed. When one of the outer doors is slammed, the suction in the small space between the two pairs of doors pulls the door open.

Andy: “Solved!”

Grant: “Wow. You’re the man. You’re the door-slamming man.”

Andy demonstrates again, and there’s even a click sound like the latch is opening. So that’s that.

There are a bunch of less than sincere farewells about how great it’s been. Elsewhere, Jason and Grant talk carefully about their conviction they got nothin’.

Jason: “It was definitely an interesting case.”

Grant: “Yeah, it was weird. It’s – the whole fact that it’s a church with like severed heads in it, you know – kind of throws you off.”

Jason: “I know.”

Grant: “What do you think? As of now.”

Jason: “I’m impressed by the place. I – don’t believe it’s haunted.”

Grant: “I don’t feel it’s haunted right yet. You know, I have nothing to make me think it’s haunted but we’ll see what kind of evidence…”

Jason: “Then again the evidence will tell, you know. Bottom line. Let’s get out of here.”

THE ANALYSIS

Church Residence

Saturday 2:15 PM

TAPS HEADQUARTERS

Brian, Steve and Andy get to relive the evening together. Brian announces they have four hours on hard line tapes, 4-1/2 hours of DVR’s, and 2 hours of something else – RVP’s? So if the cameras went on-line at 21:30, they really had given up by 2 AM. All the way to upstate New York for that?

Brian: “So let’s rock ‘n’ roll.”

But ack. Because they got nothin’, they really have to work to make it seem like they have something, for fear we’re going to wander off and watch a re-run of Lost.

The following is totally a re-enactment or I’m an orb.

Brian: “Dude, check this out.”

Andy: “What you got?”

Brian: “I don’t know, but dude, that was crazy.”

Andy goes bug-eyed: “How bright is that?! Holy smokes! That’s crazy! Look at how bright that is!”

Steve, very certain: “That’s an orb.”

Brian: “I’d like to see Grant try to disprove that one.”

Andy: “That’s a definite textbook orb. I mean you can’t – you can’t beat that. That’s awesome.”

A chorus of “mark it down”’s all around.

Brian can’t find the swarm of orbs Andy saw when they rang the bell – the ones Jason predicted would be dust. Andy says he saw them, but “It doesn’t matter. We got some great orbs on here. I’m thrilled.”

Cool. Awesome.

THE FINDINGS

Church Residence

Saturday 8:30 PM

We’re still re-enacting. And from the sounds of it, they’ve already fluffed several run-throughs.

Jason: “All right, Brian! Another week. Me and Grant are here. Why don’t you show us some more dust.”

Brian: “All right, all right. We got some good stuff for ya.”

Steve: “Yeah, it’s not – it’s not all dust. There are some things that I think you guys may be like ‘hmm?’ (scratches his head) – especially you (points to Grant). I’m excited to show you one piece because it’s going to put you to your test.”

Brian: All right, let’s check it out.”

Jason: “Again, like usual, if we catch anything I’ll be surprised but…”

As if we needed to be told. Jason can make Doubting Thomas look gullible.

Brian: “Look at this.”

Grant: “They got some light going on there, man.”

A dab of light moves around over the living/kitchen area as seen from above, maybe the zombie’s perch.

Jason: “Yeah, but that – that does actually change form, Grant. That does change form.”

They are continuing a prior conversation we were not privy to, so they don’t need to make sense, because we’re just, you know, the audience.

Steve: “That emits its own light.”

Grant: “No, watch, it’s just turning.”

Jason: “No, I wouldn’t say that’s turning.”

Steve: “You think it’s a dust, or bug?”

Grant: “I think that’s a lint.”

They’re talking funny.

Brian: “Okay, here we go. Now as you see it backing up – you can actually see it better backing up. Watch – it backs up – you see the flight path.”

Brian always talks funny.

Grant: “Yeah, but notice it’s always in front – like it’s not coming from behind anything. It’s always in front of the camera so you won’t know how big it is.”

I’ll bet the editors needed a lot of aspirin that day. These people are speaking Greek. Or Geek.

Jason: “Yeah, well, feasibly couldn’t that have been an insect?”

Grant nods. “Yeah. It’s moving pretty fast.”

Jason is smirking. He has cheek dimples he is smirking so much.

Brian begs for open minds. Good luck with that. “Just keep – just keep these – just keep soaking all these in, okay?”

Grant: “There’s still more dust in there. Soak it in.”

Jason: “There’s going to be a big piece of dust. (chortling) Aww, Steve – are we upsetting you?”

Steve: “No. I mean – it’s good. I mean it’s what we gotta do. We find stuff, you guys say it sucks, so…”

Jason: “We don’t say it sucks…”

A large bright ball of light darts around the computer screen, over another section of the living room.

Steve: “It’s fast.”

Brian: “It ain’t no bug.”

Steve and Brian look at Jason and Grant expectantly. Jason is smirking still, and does a reptilian, disbelieving blink.

Brian: “Say it, man.”

Steve: “You won’t hurt our feelings.”

Grant: “Do it again.”

Jason: “It’s – (takes TAPS cap off and puts it back on) I just – I – seriously I can’t…”

Grant: “The way it changes…”

Jason: “get impressed by that. I can’t. No matter how much…”

Grant: “No. The way it changes its color it’s becoming more intense as it comes up. To me that tell you it’s an object, that it’s dust.”

Jason: “Yes, how many web sites do you go to and you see stuff like that, you know? And everybody says it’s signs of spirit activity when it’s not. We all know it’s not. It’s dust, lint, bugs, whatever it may be, you know? Orb activity doesn’t mean that spirits are – ”

Brian: “You’re right. All right. No problem.”

Jason: “When we disproved the door that night, that was great. Andy did some great work on that.”

Grant: “That was good.”

Brian is looking not happy to hear praise of Andy right now.

Grant: “Whatever it is is moving fast but because it’s repeating the same path – it’s – (shakes head) you know?”

Jason: “The thing is, you just need to question what it could be – you know? If it’s a possibility that it can be something else – you know there’s that possibility.”

Brian gives up on this non-orb and moves to the next.

Brian: “Okay – moment of truth.”

Steve: “This is one that’s going to put you to the test.”

Brian: “We’ve looked at all this stuff, all these – all these potential orbs and you know – things flying around. This is the big one. We’ve been saving this till last.”

Jason: “Yeah, the biggest piece of dust.”

Brian: “Right when we, me and Steve first saw this we were like Holy Crap that was…”

Steve: “Yeah, we were…” (he rubs his hands together).

Jason: “You guys aren’t going to hurt yourselves if we think it’s another piece of dust or orb?”
Brian: “Nah. Nah.”

Steve: “I won’t be here next week. I’ll be…”

Jason: “Why does this put you to the test and not me?”

Grant: “Because I’m the hater.”

Steve: “Because he’s the orb hater.”

Jason: “No, you just assume I’m going to hate it anyways?”

Steve: “Well, you hated it. You were both going to…”

Brian: “Okay. Ready.”

Jason: “Let’s do it.”

Twangy suspenseful music. My heart. I can’t take much more of this.

Brian: “Check that out, hah?”

Grant: “who’s that?

Brian: “That’s Carl. No, that’s Andy.”

Steve: “C’mon guys. C’mon guys.”

Grant: “Where are we here?”

Brian: “This is up, looking down. Check that out, huh?”

Steve: “C’mon guys. C’mon guys.” I think he is doing a magical chant.

Brian: “Look at that…”

Grant: “See, the only issue is you got a back light right there.”

Steve: “That’s not a light.”

Brian: “That’s the IR camera.”

Jason: “But you’ve got an IR camera picking that up as well so no matter what comes in between it, it’s gonna be lit.”

Grant: “If that’s dust it’s gonna refract from your light and that light so it won’t ever be transferred…”

They’re lapsing into incoherence again, which seems to be normal TAPS speak. Steve brings the conversation back.

Steve: “Hold on. It’s got the three elements that yu kind of put forth. It emits its own light. It’s a sphere – it’s a circle – perfect circle.”

Brian: “And it moves on its own.”

Steve: “And it’s got its own flight pattern.”

Grant: “Well, watch it again as…”

Jason: “It moves with a type of intelligence, I’ll agree.”

Grant: “It’s gotta have a movement trail.”

Jason: “It’s funny how it stays totally in frame right in front of the camera.”

Steve: “It’s weird how it – the perfect circle never…”

Brian: “I’m going to go frame by frame.”

Steve: “If there’s such thing as orbs, Grant, that’s an orb.”

Jason: “All right, but – an orb. It – because you caught an orb, even if we were willing to say it’s an orb, are you willing to say the house is haunted because of an orb?”

Steve: “No.”

Brian: “No no no no no no.”

Steve: “If we had EVP back-up, if we had picture back-up, EMF back-up – maybe.”

Brian: “Cause he had – he had a hundred pictures, and he had nothin’.”

Steve: “Nothin’. Cause an orb is just energy. It doesn’t mean energy from a spirit.”

Brian: “No, but we – we finally caught an orb and we wanted to put it to the test.”

Jason: “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head.

Grant: “This is why I hate orbs.”

Steve puts his head down on the table.

Jason: “Steve, it’s okay!”

Steve: “I quit.” He throws papers he’s holding down on the table.

Jason: “See ya around.”

Brian: “We only had one EMF reading that was pretty crazy.”

They describe the spot above the bed, where their highest reading was 2.4, in that single spot.

Jason: “Is there anything else?”

Brian: “That’s it.”

Jason: “Thanks for your time.”

Brian: “No problem, dude.”

Steve: “No sweat.”

Grant: “Want a box of tissues?”

Outside the trailer, Brian and Steve grouse to each other about their pig-headed bosses.

Steve: “Even if it is, like, the greatest orb you’ve ever seen, he’s going to hate it.”

Brian: “Every single thing we showed them, everything – it could be a full body apparition – everything is dust.”

Steve: “I know. Orbs do not mean a spirit. It’s just energy, but the crazy thing is every time I go to a haunted place they’re everywhere.”

Brian: “I know.”

Steve: “Like, I could set a camera up in my house and not get one orb. Go to a place that’s haunted, you get fifteen.”

Brian: “I know. It’s just crazy.”

Steve: “Oh, you.”

Jason and Grant emerge from the shadows.

Jason: “What about?”

Steve: “You guys – why you gotta hate?”

Jason: “You actually gonna take that evidence, put it out there and say this is a sign of a haunting and then, as you get laughed out of this field, you’re gonna sit there and wish that me and Grant…”

Grant: “What pisses me off the most about groups out there is they put crap up there and it makes us all look like crap.”

Steve: “Yeah, I know, but your three elements that – is from your head is emitting your own light, its own flight path, and perfect circle.” He is upset. His sentence structure is rarely this bad.

Jason: “Orbs are not signs of hauntings, guys. We’re in this trying to find and prove hauntings, so bringing me orbs, bringing me dust, bringing me lint…”

Steve: “I know but…”

Jason: “isn’t going to prove anything.”

Steve: “What’s a spirit? A spirit is energy, right?”

Grant: “Right.”

Steve: “Orb’s a result of energy, so if there are spirits in the house there’s more energy.”

Grant: “Exactly.”

Steve: “Which means you’re going to get orbs.”

Grant: “But orbs itself is no good.”

Jason: “But aren’t orbs also present where there aren’t hauntings?”

Steve: “Of course. Electricians see ‘em all the time.”

Jason: “Well, okay. So – you know? When you got something substantial – Brian, you brought me a chair moving. That was incredible.”

Grant: “That was awesome.”

Jason: “I have the utmost respect, but not for an orb. So if you aren’t willing to take it from me, what are you going to do when you put it out there on the web and people tear into any bit of evidence?”

Grant is doing his twist-face expression.

Jason: “Try to disprove it yourself. Is it possible it’s a bug? Okay, well – if it’s possible you know we’re going to say that, so throw that piece out, go to the next.

Steve is wearing a t-shirt that says “Ghost were people, too” on the back.

Grant: “No one is stringent on the evidence like we are, you know? We’ve gained a lot of respect with that. We’re not jumping. We’re not eager to see stuff.”

Jason: “If something comes back, it doesn’t just bite you. It bites Brian, it bites me, everybody…”

Grant: “It bites the whole community because no scientist is gonna look at that and want to put his career on the line to help research it. You know what I mean?”

Brian: “Definitely.”

Steve: “All right. It’s all good.”

Jason: “Nothing personal, you know?”

Grant: “Keep up the good work.”

Ritual handshakes all around.

TAPS HEADQUARTERS 1:30 PM

Jason: “Long trip to New York again.”

Grant: “Ha, jeez.”

I want to know how they justified this return trip to the wives. Oh – right. They’re filming it. But why?

Grant: “What’s the day today?”

Jason: “The 13^th.”

Grant: “But what day is it?”

Jason: “Friday. Oh, okay Mrs. – Mr. Superstitious.”

Grant: “I’m not Mr. Superstitious.

Jason: “It’s just another day of the week.”

Grant: I’m the exact opposite of superstitious. I don’t believe in any of it. I think we should break a mirror under a ladder while stepping on a black cat. I think that’s what we should do today and see what happens. Challenge it.”

Jason questions doing “all of that at once.” “We got the whole ride back thing.”

Grant: “So you’re pretty much saying you’re superstitious – “

Grant likes to live on the edge.

Jason: “You’re a rebel.”

Rain starts.

THE REVEAL

Church Residence

Sunday 6:00 PM

If they left on Friday the 13^th, they must have run into some very bad luck indeed, because it has taken them over two days to drive from Rhode Island to New York.

Or, the title people live in an alternate reality.

Jason and Grant sit down with Justin and Melissa.

Grant: “Sooo. First off we gotta say we love your house.”

Because they have nothing else to say. Melissa and Justin thank him.

Grant: “And it was – it was just interesting.” He’s honest!

They look at some illuminated dust. Or lint. Or spirits. Who knows. The term “rod” is mentioned for the first time. Justin apparently knows all about rods, having been “obsessed” by them at one time, although I think he was probably obsessed with the skyfish type of rod, and not illuminated house lint. They’re like orbs, only they’re rods. I don’t know if this is the lingam-yoni of the paranormal or what. Anyway, one has been filmed darting around the house.

Jason does his bell ringing/structure vibrating/dust shaking talk as they look at other orbs or non-orbs. Then he presents some startling news. Well, startling to me.

Jason: “In certain homes, orbs are everywhere. Orb – you can catch pictures of ‘em out in your yard, in your house – all the time. All it is is energy in the air.”

Justin: “It’s not supernatural.”

Grant: “No. It’s – it’s a collect – it’s just one of the ways energy manifests itself. It’s a collection of energy. Now we found, through this evidence, that there are a few examples of that in your home, so it’s got potential. So if something wanted to manifest itself here, it could.”

The “good candidate” for being a real orb – the big bright circle of light moving fast and changing directions – is shown.

Jason: “Again, it’s – it’s tough to really say what that is.”

We see the circle moving at different speeds.

Grant: “That’s a good candidate for an orb.”

Except they don’t know what orbs are, so how can they decide what is or isn’t an orb? Oh, right. Grant’s definition. Except an orb isn’t anything. Orbs are everywhere. I’m so confused. It’s all well and good for them to poo-poo the significance of rogue orbs, but I find the idea that energy is floating around in invisible balls highly unsettling. Static cling is bad enough.

Jason: “So basically it comes down to we caught a bunch of dust, possible orb here and there, also some lint by the looks of it. But no EVP’s. We didn’t catch anything that we could say stood out.”

They talk about Andy debunking the door opening by itself. That’s got to hurt.

Jason: “Bottom line, if you can recreate it, well – others can, too. We gotta go by the evidence that we have.”

Grant: “The way I look at it is – there may be something here. If there is, you have to make the decision – if you want to keep it in your home, you gotta be prepared for it. Or if you don’t want it, then we can help you out.”

And do what exactly? I remember! Nothing! Tell you to do it yourself. Grant and his “help” again. Pft.

Jason takes the opportunity to warn about those “collections” he was discussing with Carl, although he doesn’t come right out and say it might be a good idea to get rid of some of the skulls.

Jason: “There’s always the possibility that something might be attached to an object. If you remove these objects from the house for – even a week, week and a half, well – then you might know what it’s attached to. That’s one way to try to resolve it yourself.”

Justin: “I never thought of that.”

Melissa: “Can it be attached to people, too?”

Grant: “Yes. So you’d have to kick Justin out.” Ha ha.

Jason: “I just want you to understand that in no way are we trying to shoot down what you guys believe you experienced in the house. You gotta remember, you guys have lived here for eight months. We were here for one night.” Not even.

Grant: “We just didn’t catch anything, so we can’t go saying it’s haunted.”

Justin, wearing his new TAPS cap on top of another cap, and looking deranged rather than goth , says things will go along for a week with nothing happening. “It’s never negative or malicious or anything like that.”

Grant: “So it’s kind of like a novelty?”

Justin: “Yeah.” They both nod. SO WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, PEOPLE? Honestly. We were dragged all the way up here, got bored senseless, and to what end?

Grant: “Collect a ghost.” Ha ha. To go with the severed heads. Insensitive boobs. As the t-shirt says, “Ghost were people, too.”

Jason: “We just hope the investigation didn’t disappoint you with our findings.”

Justin says not at all, and deems it all awesome. Of course.

Grant: “We’d love to come back for like another three days or something.” Liar! Unless “something” is to never set foot on the property again in this lifetime.

After Jason and Grant leave, Justin admits to being a little disappointed, but he’s still convinced that something is going on in his house. Melissa says she’ll probably sleep a little better but she still believes.

Kthxbai.

 

Tags: bells, bugs, dust, EMF readings, Friday the 13th, ghost hunters, ghosts, goths, lint, New York, orbs, rods, TAPS